In Living Color (1990) s03e15 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go Welcome to the Lamaze method of natural childbirth.
Let's see how well we remember last week's lesson, ladies.
We're gonna start by relaxing our groin muscles.
Well, well! Hey! I was gonna suggest spin the bottle.
.
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but look like y'all are a whole lot more advanced.
Frenchie, what are you doing here? This is a Lamaze class.
Lamaze? I thought you said LaBelle.
Where's Patti at? - [Chuckles.]
- [Singing.]
- And you are Mister.
.
.
- Oh, let me introduce myself.
I am Leonard, but all my friends call me Frenchie.
.
.
'cause I'm hip, I'm slick and all the ladies love my childbearing hips.
Ooh.
Well, Leonard.
.
.
this is not a Patti LaBelle concert.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is the Lamaze method of natural childbirth.
Well, that's great, 'cause I was born naturally.
That's right, right on the side of the road.
- Mm-hmm.
- That is natural.
Hey, Janice, you look pretty good laying down like that.
Last time I seen you like that was in the locker room of the Rams.
.
.
- after two shots of tequila.
- What? That's not.
.
.
Oh, I see.
Well, Janice, maybe.
.
.
maybe your friend Leonard.
.
.
would like to act as your Lamaze coach.
- I would be très pap smear.
- Oh.
Frenchie? No way.
I am waiting for my husband, the father of my child.
- He'll be here any minute.
- [Instructor.]
Oh, my goodness.
I'm so forgetful.
Your husband called.
Apparently he was driving along the highway and he spun out in an oil slick.
I knew I dropped my T.
C.
B.
Somewhere.
- Oh, my God, was he hurt? - No, neither is my Gremlin.
- Don't worry about it, baby.
- If you'll just sit right down here, Leonard.
- All right.
- Okay, now before we begin on our breathing technique.
.
.
I'm going to show you a short film.
.
.
that should take some of the mystery out of delivery.
[Woman Breathing On Tape.]
You see, this is the moment when we first begin to see the head.
Hey, hey, hey! Last time I saw something this freaky was at Clarence Thomas's house down in Tijuana.
Ain't Long Dong Silver in this one? Okay, that's enough of that.
Uh, let's move on to one of our most important techniques.
.
.
that's panting and heavy breathing.
Well, seems to me like that's what got you here in the first place.
- Frenchie! - And.
.
.
[Women Breathing.]
That's right, now push and push.
Push, push, intoJanice Push, push, intoJanice You know how to get down Ooh, ooh, go on, Janice My goodness, Leonard, you certainly have enough enthusiasm for the rest of us.
Janice, perhaps you would like to demonstrate the simulated childbirth.
You just help me push while I contract.
- All right.
- That's right, Janice.
Make sure you're really pushing.
Sometimes those little fellas don't like to come out.
Well, hell, can you blame 'em? I wish I could move back.
[Moaning.]
Good God I got to have it Somebody better callJames Brown, 'cause I think we got a hit on our hands.
- Go on, baby.
- Oh, there it is! Oh, my goodness, Janice.
Now, Leonard, what's the first thing you do with a child? - Well, let's see.
We gotta slap it.
.
.
- That's right.
Clamp it and then curl him down.
- Come here, baby boy.
- Don't get carried away, Frenchie.
Yeah.
You know, Janice, if we had a boy.
.
.
the house would stay clean, the fence would be painted.
.
.
- and the Gremlin would always be shiny.
- Really? That's right, 'cause I have someone to do it for me.
Gotcha! [Baby Talk.]
[Announcer.]
You're a New Yorker,and because you're a New Yorker.
.
.
you don't care how you travel,so long as it's quick and it's cheap.
That's why you travel Big Apple Airlines.
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your subway in the sky.
Yes, on Big Apple Airlines.
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.
courteous Guardian Angelsare ready to attend to your every need.
Enjoy a complimentary beverage.
Malt liquor? Thunderbird? And rest easy knowingthat New York's finest transit cops.
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.
are never morethan a few feet away.
But the real reason you fly Big Apple Airis that it's a taste of New York in the sky.
From the delightful urine scentthat permeates the cabin.
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.
to the crazy collectionof characters.
Honey-roasted peanuts.
Headsets for the movie.
To the impassioned cries for helpignored by all.
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't like to beg, and I don't want to steal.
.
.
but I have developed an allergy to my own sweat.
.
.
thus I cannot work or it will kill me.
Contributions will be appreciated.
[Announcer.]
It's Big Apple Airlines,where the street meets the sky.
[Jamaican Accent.]
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Unfortunately, someone jumped in front of our plane.
.
.
so we're going to be a little delayed this morning.
But in the meantime, please remember the rules of flying on Big Apple.
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no smokin', no spittin', no dischargin' of firearms.
[Gunfire.]
Street news! Street news! Yo, yo, listen up, everybody.
Looks like we're about to take off.
.
.
so if y'all please just sit down and hold on to your straps.
.
.
we're about to close the doors, all right? Prepare for takeoff.
[Karate Yell.]
[Announcer.]
Yes, Big Apple Airlines.
.
.
your subway in the sky.
[Whistling.]
Excuse me, but don't I know you? Hey, you're Darth Vader from those Space Wars movies.
- Is that? - Yeah.
- No, I'm not Darth Vader, okay.
- Uh, Abe Vigoda.
- No.
- Telly Savalas.
- No.
Guess again.
- Um, oh, Uncle Fester! Look, I might as well tell ya.
I'm Death, okay? I was gonna guess that next, either Death or Keith Richards.
Honey, it's Death! - Oh, my God.
- Honey, it's Death.
- He's come for us.
- No.
- But thanks for reminding me of Keith Richards.
- Whew! - Woah! - Hey, look, let me buy you a drink, huh? Hey, waiter! - Oh, no, no, I can't.
- What do you want, a suffering bastard? - No, I can't.
- How about a zombie? Zombies for everyone.
- Keep 'em coming.
- Perfect.
So, if you're not here on business, what are you doing here, Grim Reaper? Just like you, I'm on vacation.
First in 3,000 years.
I wanna leave all that behind at the office.
- I hear that.
- No, no, no, I don't drink.
- Really, I can't.
Please.
- Oh, come on, loosen up.
You're on vacation.
Like Liberace says, "Come on, bottoms up.
" Hey, that's not bad.
Hey, what's it take to get another drink around here? That's the spirit.
Well, l.
.
.
Can I ask you something? Oh, honey, come on.
The man's trying to get some rest.
No, that's okay.
Go ahead.
Ask away.
I just got to know.
.
.
the Kennedy assassination.
.
.
Did Oswald act alone? Hey, that's for me to know and Oliver Stone to find out.
- Death, you slay me! - Watch it.
You know, I have got an idea, but it is so naughty.
- Come on, honey.
Let's hear it.
- Well.
.
.
- Spill it, baby.
- Okay.
Okay.
Well, here it is.
I mean, I guess people must ask you this all the time.
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.
but I would be so thrilled if you would just kill somebody.
- Oh, here? - Yeah! - Oh, no.
- I mean, that would be so cool.
- No, no, I couldn't.
- Just a little person.
Just.
.
.
Oh, please? - Okay.
Who gets it? - All right! - How about, um, the waiter? - Good idea.
A little drinky-poo first.
[Belches.]
Oh, garçon.
Oh, yeah, um, uh, listen.
I think I'll have the swordfish.
.
.
and I think you'll have the kidney failure.
You are good.
! - And you are fast! - Did you like that? - That was beautiful.
- Really? Let me buy you guys a drink.
- Why not? - Bartender, another round over here.
- I got one for you.
You guys like Hitchcock? - Sure.
Watch this.
Birds.
Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck.
Oh, oh my God! [Yelling Indistinctly.]
- It's like a 3-D movie.
- Oh, wow.
Hey, you know what? A lot of people have seen a Heimlich maneuver, right? But not in reverse.
Quick impression.
.
.
Buddy Holly.
Aah! You might wanna get down for this one.
Drive-by.
- [Vehicle Passing By.]
- [Gunfire.]
- Oh! - And here's a little something.
.
.
I like to do on a hot day at Disneyland.
I call it spontaneous combustion.
[Moaning.]
[Thunderclap.]
That one always makes me thirsty.
- That was just great.
- Yeah, that was real great.
- But we gotta get outta here, man.
- Yeah.
- [Laughs.]
So what am I, a jerk? - No.
- You don't wanna be around me now, is that it? - Well.
.
.
I'm not good enough for you people? Hmm? Come on.
It's a party, right? - Well, yeah.
- Open the bottle.
For my next trick, I need a volunteer.
[Slurring.]
Sometimes you just gotta get in there.
.
.
- and get your hands dirty.
- [Bones Crack.]
Okay, who else wants a kiss? [Kissing Sounds.]
Kiss of death.
Don't be shy.
There's nobody left.
You killed everybody.
There's nobody left.
That's awful.
There's only one thing left to do.
- Oh, no, please, please, no.
- You said you weren't gonna kill us.
I'm sorry.
It is your fate.
I have to take you.
.
.
on a road trip to Vegas! - [Screams.]
- Jump on the funeral train.
[Vocalizing Rumba Beat.]
Couldn't you just kill us? [Vocalizing Continues.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Hip-hop Continues.]
[Fades.]
[Man.]
Captain's Log: Stardate, uh.
.
.
[Raspberry.]
Hell, I can't remember.
Our five-year mission has now turned into 25.
We just left the Romulan galaxy.
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.
and we're approaching.
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.
senility.
We are also being followed by an unidentified vessel.
.
.
which may be hostile.
This.
.
.
entity.
.
.
this thing has been chasing us for two solar systems.
Mr.
Sulu.
Establish warp speed.
And turn that blinker off.
We've been turning left since Rikus Five.
Aye, aye, Captain.
- Hey, look out for that asteroid! - [Crash.]
Damn you, Sulu! Are you.
.
.
blind? Well, legally, sir, I am.
However, in this galaxy, I am allowed to drive to work and back.
Captain, my sensors tell me.
.
.
there's a deadly gas emanating from the engine room.
- Scotty.
- Aye, Captain.
What's going on down there? Captain, I've lost complete control of my bowels.
You should be wearing your Starfleet Depends.
Aye, Captain, but I've sprung a leak,and I can't hold it much longer.
Stay where you are, Scotty, please.
Spock.
Spock, stop wandering around and tell us who these people are.
Actually, Captain, it's several ships.
They're honking and yelling profanities.
Well, tell them to go around.
Well, by the way, Jim, I must remind you that as a Vulcan.
.
.
I must mate once every seven years in order to survive.
I've only got two days left, and, well, sir, you're starting to look good to me.
Careful, Spock, that's how I broke my hip in the first place.
Captain, they're firing on us.
[Explosion.]
Damn kids! Uhura, try to establish communication with the attackers.
What did I tell you about wearing those old outfits? Oh! So, you wanna be down with O.
P.
P.
, huh? Pardon me.
[Gagging.]
Oh, God.
Uhura, believe me, at this point in your life.
.
.
no man is bold enough to go there.
- You didn't say that 500 light-years ago, sucker.
- Shh! Captain, wait.
I think they're trying to establish communication.
Screen up.
Everybody, clap on.
There's nothing on the screen.
Jim, their radar has jammed our frequency.
They're about to fire upon us again.
Mr.
Sulu, get us out of here! God, he's flatlining again.
I told him to take the nitro pills.
- [Beeping.]
- Clear.
[Yells.]
Aye, aye, sir.
- [Crash.]
- Whoa! Spock, my Vulcan friend,where are you? Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.
Spock needs medical attention.
Bones to the Bridge.
Bones to the Bridge.
Please do something.
Damn it, Jim, I'm a corpse, not a doctor.
Captain, sensors indicate that there are intruders onboard.
Oh, maybe it's Meals on Wheels.
I'm taking no chances this time.
Establish defensive positions.
Okay, people, you've had your fun.
It's back to the Sunny Side Retirement Colony.
Your children have been very worried about you.
We're not going anywhere until we get our trip to bountiful.
- Right, guys? - [All.]
Right.
We're having Salisbury steak tonight.
With mashed potatoes? And tapioca pudding.
You dirty bastards! - Spock, not you.
- Are you kidding, Jim? It's Bingo night.
Besides, live long and prosper.
Ahh! Damn arthritis.
[Beeping.]
Captain's Log: Stardate 2057.
I guess six sequels was not too bad for a "B" TV show.
.
.
that was canceled light-years ago.
I could stay and fight, but no sense beating a dead dog.
All right.
Thank you for joining us this week.
We want you to make sure you're here next week.
We're throwing the ultimate halftime party during the Super Bowl.
So instead of getting up and going to the bathroom like you usually do.
.
.
flip that channel and join us here.
We're gonna have some special musical guests, all your favorite characters.
- It's gonna be live, so be in the house.
Peace.
- Show ya right.
Ha! [Hip-hop.]
[Audience Whooping.]
[Audience Whooping.]