Just Shoot Me! (1997) s03e15 Episode Script

MAYA: Previously on Just Shoot Me.
Dad, I know this divorce has been hard on you.
It's been hard on everyone.
I hate the fact you guys aren't together anymore, but I know there's nothing we can do about it.
You gotta move on.
I'm talking about Tyra Banks for the cover.
Don't you have a huge crush on her? Maya, I deal with supermodels on a daily basis and I can assure you that I love her so much it hurts.
Why are you two holding hands? Why are you wearing the same thing as last night? Before you jump to any conclusions, there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your father and I had sex.
You two had sex? What's this? It's a stun gun.
The latest spy technology.
(ELECTRIC BUZZING) That's cute.
Tyra's on her way up.
Oh, I told you to stop playing with that thing.
Oh, it doesn't work anyway.
See? (EXCLAIMS) Oh, Elliott, it's nice to finally meet you.
(MUMBLING) You know what, you are scaring me.
(EXCLAIMS) Get away from me, you freak! (SCREAMING) Miss Van Horn and I are We're all through running around like a couple of crazy teenagers.
Thank God.
That's right.
We're getting married! What? Come on, Dennis.
Give your stepmom a big hug.
RED: Dennis.
Dennis, didn't you hear what we said? Nina and I are getting married.
What's wrong with him? He's gone to his happy place.
His happy place? Yeah, he does this whenever he gets upset.
God only knows what goes on inside that little head of his.
(CLOCK TICKING) (EXCLAIMS) I won! Yay for me! You lost.
You suck.
(IMITATING CRYING) I want my mommy.
(EXCLAIMING) Dennis! Dennis! Is he okay? Yeah.
There's only one thing that can snap him out of this.
Dennis, your math tutor is here.
Margie? Margie? Three bucks an hour, all he did was stare at her bosoms.
Do you think Spider-Man eats bugs? Why are you here? Dennis is in my office trying to deal with his dad's engagement.
Poor guy, I'm giving him a little time to pull himself together.
That's sweet of you.
He's got three minutes.
What? The Ernest Hemingway auction is about to start in London and I need him to phone in a bid.
So, what are you gonna bid on? Something for my living room.
Maybe an elephant tusk or stuffed marlin.
Something dead to spruce up the place.
Exactly.
Ooh, what about this? A set of solid gold golf tees given to Hemingway by John Wayne.
Hemingway and John Wayne.
I love it.
Just think, a set of tees passed from the Duke to Papa to The Kid.
The Kid? Who's The Kid? I'm The Kid, as of now.
Put out a memo.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Come on, Dennis, stop fooling around.
Now get out here or I'll break down the door.
(EXHALES) He's like the Big Bad Wolf.
(GROWLING) You know, the key's on the desk.
Really? Oh, thank you.
Killjoy.
Ow.
What are you doing? Nothin'.
Mind if I sit? It's a free country.
Don't eat those things lying down.
You'll choke.
You've lost your privileges to give me fatherly advice.
All right, then as a fireman, okay? I've seen a lot of characters choke on snacks.
What were you thinking? You and Nina are gonna move back to Albany and live happily ever after? For God sakes, the bars close at ten! Actually, I was thinking about moving here.
Maybe even finding a new line of work.
But you love being a fireman.
I don't know.
When you think about it, what do we even do? (STUTTERS) Pull people from burning buildings.
What's the point? Another one goes up the next day.
My God, listen to yourself.
What? Nina's sucking the life out of you.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What we do behind closed doors is none of your business.
You know what? I like Nina, a lot.
In a carnival sideshow sort of way.
But you shouldn't be marrying her.
Where was this tone of disapproval when your mother started dating Mr.
Fancy Preacher man? (CHUCKLES) Now that guy, he's a real jim-dandy.
Mr.
Wine with a cork.
Huh? Yeah, sure.
Mr.
Pretty Boy with his With his 1% milk and his digital watch.
And what does he have that I don't have, huh? Besides a direct line to God? Not my God, mind you.
My God is a vengeful God.
Jack! This Tyra Banks thing is getting out of hand.
She won't take my calls.
She refused the flowers I sent her.
She thinks I'm a slobbering idiot.
Well, can you blame her? What with the foaming and the twitching.
Very unprofessional.
If it hadn't been my fault, I would have fired you.
Here.
I'm dialing Tyra's number.
I want you to tell her that I'm not crazy.
All right, fair enough.
The Kid will handle this.
Yeah, I want you to tell her the whole truth.
Except for the part about me wetting my pants.
ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, this is Tyra.
Please leave a message and I'll call you right back.
(BEEPS) ON SPEAKER: Tyra, Jack Gallo.
About the other day with Elliott, he's gonna explain what happened and I vouch for every word.
Elliott, take it away.
(SCREAMING) Tyra! You know, you're not helping yourself when you act crazy like that.
There he is.
What are you wearing? Oh, we've been to Barneys.
You like the new duds, huh? I'm even wearing silk shorts.
Feels like my privates are resting on a cloud.
Here.
I noticed some of your clothes looked a little worn.
You bought me clothes? What do you say to your stepmom, huh? Stop calling her that.
Try the clothes on, Dennis.
No! Oh, look, you've got a little smudge right here.
What are you doing? Oh, now don't be afraid to be mothered.
I'm not afraid to be mothered.
I'm afraid of your saliva.
I just rented Outbreak.
I want you to get to know your stepmom better.
Me? I've known her forever.
It's you two that don't know what you're getting into.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm not as square as you think I am.
I've been line dancing.
NINA: (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
And tonight we're going club-hopping with my friend Binnie and that sexually ambiguous couple who train her on the trampoline.
(CHUCKLING) It sounds like fun, huh? Fun? What happened to the guy that chased the road company of Hair out of town? Nina, could you excuse the men for a second? Oh, when you talk like that it makes me just want to curl up in a little Back off, Nina.
Hey, you're not too old for a spanking.
And I hope I never am.
Dennis.
Dennis.
Dennis.
I can read you like a breakfast menu.
I think I know what's bothering you.
I told you what's bothering me.
You're marrying someone you don't know.
That's not it.
It's like that TV movie, I'm Your New Mom.
Tom Skerritt plays Crocker, a grizzled old something or other.
Who's haunted by his past.
Susan Dey plays the therapist who's trying to help him remember Or forget I forget.
Anyway, naturally they fall in love.
And all is swell.
Except with Crocker's daughter.
The saucy girl from Growing Pains.
Oh, I like her.
Yeah.
She's good.
She's always understated.
Hmm.
Anyway, she has a problem with her new stepmom and it's not till after her descent into madness and then the blizzard, that she realizes how much she needs her stepmom.
Don't you see? Dennis.
Dennis! You're the saucy girl from Growing Pains! (GRUNTING IN FRUSTRATION) What? My dad and Nina are about to make the biggest mistake of their lives, and Nina went camping with Ike Turner once.
Let me tell you a little story.
What is this, story day? The only memo I got was about calling Jack "The Kid.
" All right, I'll skip the story.
But it's pretty moving.
It's about a dog and a hamster and a balloon ride they'll never forget.
What are you talking about? Sometimes the most unlikely pairings can find happiness together.
Who knows? Maybe being with Nina is the healthiest thing your dad has ever done.
Damn it, don't you die on me! (GRUNTING) Come on, Red.
Come on, Reddy.
Come on, big Red.
Come on, Red.
Sorry.
Maya? Hi.
How's he doing? I don't know.
I just got here.
Nina called me looking for your number.
I thought I'd see if I could help.
DENNIS: Oh my God, look at him.
Thirty years of fighting fires, never once called in sick.
Three days with Nina and he's eating through a tube.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Cooper.
Hi.
I'm Dennis Finch, the patient's son.
How is he? Good news.
He didn't have a heart attack.
(BOTH SIGH) It was probably just anxiety.
Has he been under an unusual amount of stress lately? Oh, great.
Now there's a tube in his arm! (CRYING) Oh, why does everything have to happen to me? Nina.
Oh, I can't bear to see him like this.
Doctor, pull the plug.
I'm not going to pull the plug.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm practically his wife.
Nina, he's not even dying.
How's that? He's gonna be fine.
He just had an anxiety attack.
Anxiety? (SIGHS) Thank you.
Those weren't for you! Oh, sorry.
How much do I owe you? (SIGHS) You aren't, by chance, on any other kind of medication right now? Of course.
Which medication? Well, I'm gonna need a pen, some paper, and a Spanish dictionary.
You wanted to see me? Elliott, don't be mad.
Have a seat.
No, thanks.
I like it here where I'm two steps closer to the first aid kit.
You're overreacting.
Am I? Last night I dreamt I was in Tyra Banks' bedroom and she was calling to me.
Come on, Elliott.
It's so lonely here by myself.
Oh, this is gonna be so much fun.
ELLIOTT: Then you appeared.
Hey, Elliott.
Check out my new crossbow.
Jack? Put that thing down.
Oh, don't worry.
It's not loaded.
Ew! So you'll forgive me if I'm "overreacting.
" Elliott, what would Hemingway do in this situation? He wouldn't fret about a phone message here or a golf ball there.
He'd reach out and take hold of what he wanted.
What I want is not to have to shriek when I go to the bathroom.
So, I made a few calls, and Tyra has agreed to stop by this afternoon.
Really? Well, how'd you do that? How? 'Cause I'm The Kid, that's how.
Here's your chance to run with the bulls.
I appreciate it.
Thanks, Jack.
Hey, and speaking of bulls, check out my new bullwhip.
I just got back from the hospital.
How's Red doing? He's gonna be okay.
It was an anxiety attack.
(CHUCKLES) Times like these make you realize the only thing that's important is your health.
All that other stuff Is that my package? Yup.
Hey! A man waits his whole life for something like this.
From John Wayne to Ernest Hemingway to The Kid.
Maya, behold.
What the hell is this? Looks like a tea set.
I know it's a tea set.
It's supposed to be a set of tees! Golf tees! I think it's kind of cute.
Cute? The Kid is not about cute.
The Kid is about bullfights and bar fights and old fishermen and young whores.
Cute! Cute makes me sick! I was only trying to help.
It is kind of cute.
Hey! Hey, Dad.
You feeling all right? What happened? You had an anxiety attack.
An anxiety attack? Oh, boy.
The guys in the firehouse are gonna have a field day with this.
Son, do me a favor, will you? Anything.
Go downstairs to my car.
In the glove compartment you'll find a hunting knife with an eight-inch blade, bring it up here and jam it into my leg.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
(SIGHS) You're not the first guy Nina's put in the hospital.
In fact, you're not the fourth.
Don't put everything on her.
I didn't do anything I didn't want to do.
Although What? Well, Dennis, you've been with a lot of different women, right? (CHUCKLES) I do okay, yeah.
I want to ask you a question, man to man.
Is it normal for your partner to say, "Trust me" and then RED: That's it.
That's it.
That's it, your color's coming back, now what there is of it.
Yeah.
(MOANING) I'll be fine.
I'll just pretend that's something I read in a book.
Scooch over, will you? Oh, yeah.
Dad, I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass the last couple of days.
And if you want to marry Nina, that's fine.
She's a great girl and I think she'll make you really happy.
What if I don't want to marry her? Great.
I'm begging you, please don't.
The thing is, you know, Nina's great, but she's like She's like candied apples.
Once a year at the harvest festival, boy, it's a real treat.
But you can't have one every day.
And certainly not three times in one night.
Stay with me.
Stay with me, boy.
Stay with me.
(GROANS) Dad Dad, if you're having your doubts, you've got to break it off.
No.
No.
No.
I made a commitment.
I intend to live up to it.
You can't get married if you know it's not gonna work.
The hell I can't! That's the trouble with your generation.
No, you expect everything to be perfect.
Happy marriages, clean air, lead-free paint.
(EXCLAIMS) So you're gonna go through with it even if it kills you? Absolutely.
Like my friend Binnie says, "Never steal a police car "unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
" Oh, my God, Dad, you just said, "My friend, Binnie.
" I'm scared.
So am I, Son.
So am I.
She's here.
Tyra's in the building.
She's on her way up.
(SIGHING) Wonderful.
Shouldn't you be out there? Yeah, I should be.
You know, it's just It's gone wrong so many times, I'm a little nervous.
Are you saying you can't face a woman? Come on, be a man.
Is that your tea set, Jack? Yes, would you like some? It's chamomile.
That set's a little dainty, isn't it? Dainty? I'll have you know this used to belong to Hemingway.
Mariel or Margaux? Elliott, Tyra Banks is out there waiting for you.
(EXHALES) Okay, how do I look? Perfect.
Here.
Have some tea.
It'll calm you down.
(SCREAMING) Oh, Lord, it burns.
Oh, Lord, it burns.
Oh, Lord, it burns.
Oh, Lord, it burns.
(EXCLAIMS) I knew you were crazy! Give it to me (SCREAMS) Take that! Hey, I'm gonna take off.
Well, how is he? He's fine.
What are you What are you doing? Oh, I was just going over some wedding stuff.
You know, we thought it would be a great idea if we put some disposable cameras on all the tables and that way everybody could come up and take a picture of me with my happy wedding day smile.
What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Nina, you only have that smile when cops come to the office.
(SIGHS) Look, this may come as a surprise to you, but the truth is your father and I really don't have that much in common.
I mean, we both know you.
Well, then why are you marrying him? Because he asked me.
I mean, what was I supposed to say? "No"? Let me get this straight.
You don't want to marry my dad.
(SIGHS) I just didn't know it was gonna be such a big deal.
Do you know how many times I've been married? No.
Well, is there some place we could find out? Because my friend Binnie and I sort of have a bet.
Come on, Nina.
You're heading towards something here.
(SIGHS) Last week, I was at this really low point, and your father was just so big and cuddly and big.
And? I can't marry him.
(SOFTLY) Yes! That is so sad.
I just don't know how I'm gonna tell him.
I'll do it.
Oh, thank you.
I know how to handle him.
It'll be easy.
Easy? Not easy.
Losing a woman like you, he'll be crushed.
Crushed? I don't want him to be crushed! Okay, I'll just marry him.
No.
No.
No.
Nina.
Think about it.
We both know you can't marry my dad.
(SIGHS) Okay, then I won't.
Okay, it's settled? Okay.
Hey, Dennis.
Yeah.
It would have been nice having you for a stepson.
Well, it would have been nice having you as a stepmom.
All right, I'll marry him.
No! * Life keeps bringing me back to you * Keeps bringing me home * It don't matter what I wanna do * 'Cause it's got a mind of its own * Life keeps bringing me back to you *