Magnum, P.I. (1980) s03e15 Episode Script

This is Willie, our secret weapon.
He's got a ringer! Probably some big, My buddy's coaching the other team, wants to know what we're planning.
- That's why we're being followed.
- Your coach is trying to use you.
I want to know who you are, other than Willie the Weapon.
I don't need you or your crummy game.
Aagh! Why don't you watch where you're going? You came flying out on the street.
Is she all right? Is she bleeding? No, she's OK, Gloria.
She's OK.
Kid, are you OK? I didn't see you, I swear to God.
She's hurt, Ernie! I knew it! Gloria, would you shut up? Where are you hurt, kid? - It's my leg.
- It's her leg.
Oh, God.
It's not broken.
My God, it's broken, Ernie! OK, maybe we shouldn't move you then.
And let some other jerk run over me? Come on, help me up.
OK, but take it easy.
Nice and easy Do you mind? Boy, I sure hope you got insurance.
- Uh no, the car's a rental.
- You see? I told you, get the insurance! Pay the extra and get the insurance.
But would you listen to me? No.
Where's a cop? We ought to get a cop.
And an ambulance.
Wait a minute, kid.
Maybe we can settle this, huh? What do you say? All right! All right! Hold it.
Come on.
Everybody up here.
Everybody up here.
When you go for the boards I want you to get a good position.
Let's work on some free throws.
Line it up.
Line it up.
You're looking weak.
You're looking weak.
All right! Straight up the pipe now.
All right! Now let's get a streak going here.
One Boy, these kids are great.
I don't believe it.
Where did he get these kids? That's four in a row, Thomas.
These guys don't miss.
- Did you see that? - No.
You know I can't watch.
T.
C.
And I made a deal.
We don't watch each other's practices.
It's just as well.
You wouldn't like what you see.
Number 12 is hot city.
Thomas, you've got to see him.
And number 15 is a giant! - What are you doing? - A little of my own strategy.
What makes you think we're gonna lose by ten points? That's crazy.
You're right.
15.
- 15? Why? - Because I've seen your guys play.
Get the ball up.
Nobody touch the ground with the ball.
Nice going.
That's it.
OK.
Rebound.
Come on, get it back.
Don't let the ball touch the ground, guys.
No! Don't dribble! You do that again, you take a lap.
Get it back.
Come on.
Nice lay-up.
Nice shot.
Let's run some plays.
Shirts and skins.
Come on.
All right, let's go.
We're gonna run the play where the high post goes down, sets a pick for Gus.
All right? In low post.
Let's go.
- You fouled me! - You charged! You're just steamed cos I beat you.
Hey, wait a minute, guys.
Come on.
We're on the same team, remember? - Tell him this isn't football.
- Tell him to use his eyes.
Knock it off! You're wasting valuable practice time which we all could use.
You're the ones playing next week, not me.
Let's run some plays.
OK, let's set it up again.
Hustle up.
This time, Gus, wait for that two-man pick to set up before you bring your man across.
Gus, don't dribble! You give your man time to pick the ball up, see? All right, girlie, give me the ball.
OK, hotshot, give me the ball.
Sure.
Hey! Hey.
Wait a minute.
You better concentrate on defense.
You got no shooters.
Your only hope is keeping the other guys from scoring 100 points a quarter.
- Is that right? - I know, I know, you didn't ask.
So don't listen.
I don't remember seeing you around here.
- I don't hang out with losers.
- We're not losers.
The way those guys play, you're gonna be.
- What's your name? - Willie.
- Where did you learn to play? - Ever heard of Bill Walton? - Walton, huh? You related? - Mm-hm.
- You live around here? - Nah.
We're just in town visiting.
We're on the road a lot, you know.
Got a suite at the Kualao.
Listen, if you're gonna be in town for a while, maybe you'd like to play some ball.
With those guys? You gotta be kidding.
No.
My name's Thomas Magnum.
We're here every afternoon.
- If you change your mind - I don't change my mind.
Like I said, defense.
You better make it a zone two.
They'll get killed playing man to man.
Hey, guys.
Listen up.
We're gonna try something new.
Who's ever heard of a floating zone defense? I have reluctantly become accustomed to your incessant door-slamming, and I have learned to turn a deaf ear to your shouting like a fishmonger.
But bouncing a basketball on Mr.
Masters' imported tile floor is something I cannot and will not tolerate.
Now please stop.
Sorry, Higgins.
I just came by to see if the uniforms had arrived.
This morning.
Did you have to pick red? I did not pick red.
Mr.
Masters picked red.
I abhor red.
I would have picked robin's egg blue.
He felt that our team should be appropriately outfitted.
- But he specified red.
- "Our" team? Mr.
Masters is sponsoring the boys and will be following the game.
As his representative, I will do everything possible to assure our team's success.
You? Higgins, I'm the coach, remember? Yes.
Well, I've had a bit of experience on the basketball court myself.
You played? Yes.
It was late '42.
North Africa.
The Allies were preparing to take Tripoli.
But what with the heat, the awful food and the malaria, the lads were demoralized.
- Higgins - So I organized a diversion.
Unfortunately, cricket was out of the question.
But we fashioned a rudimentary basketball hoop.
- Out of a peach crate, right? - The lid of an old oil drum.
As luck would have it, we had two superb American players with us.
Ernie "Set Shot" McElroy and a lad from Kentucky, R.
"Duke" Gilberry.
- The R.
"Duke" Gilberry? - Quite.
In a matter of days, I learned the game and organized a British team.
We called ourselves the North African Anglos.
By the time we marched into Tripoli, we'd given the Yanks several floggings.
What's that? That's an ingenious defense I created while coaching the Anglos.
I told you, I am the coach and I do not need an antiquated Worid War 2 defense.
According to Rick, you need all the help you can get.
I originally called this a sphere defense but I believe it's now known as a floating zone.
Are you familiar with it? Higgins didn't know it, but I wanted to win just as much as he did.
Given the way the kids had been playing, though, we were gonna need help.
What we needed was a 13-year-old tomboy with moves like Dr.
J.
And as luck would have it, I just happened to know one.
Of course, I had to find her first.
Come on, guys.
We've only got so much time.
- Hey.
Where are you going? - Practice.
Oh.
It looks like I got here just in time.
Coach? Yeah? Watch your fingers, guys.
I came by your hotel.
I couldn't find you or Bill.
I know.
We had to change hotels.
Too many reporters.
Oh.
Thought you didn't hang around with losers.
- I changed my mind.
- You don't change your mind.
Let's not press this thing, OK? I just want to play some ball.
OK.
Welcome aboard.
We're gonna go someplace else to practice.
- Why? - Spies.
My buddy's coaching the other team, wants to know our plans.
That's why we're being followed.
- You mean that guy in the pickup? - Yeah.
Either that or it's someone after you.
- Me? - Reporters? Oh.
Yeah, right.
Lose the sucker, huh? We don't have to.
Where we're headed, we're going to have absolute privacy.
- Oh, my God! - What is it, Higgins? Have you finally, irretrievably lost control of your senses? Gee, Higgins.
I don't think so.
Why? Why? Why? My God, man, your horde of of They're called kids, Higgins.
OK, guys.
Put the ladder away.
I'll get the balls.
They could do more damage than Sherman's men did in Georgia.
T.
C.
Is going to do everything he can to find out our strategy, including hiring spies.
I felt that it would be better if we practiced out here, in private.
At the estate? Every inch of these grounds is a delicately balanced ecosystem.
- The slightest disruption could destroy - Wait a minute.
Hold it just a minute.
It was you who gave me the "Win one for the Gipper" speech, right? - I beg your pardon? - And it was you who made it clear that you intended to do everything possible to ensure victory, right? Right? Good.
Me too.
The tennis court will be perfect.
Are any of you familiar with the two-handed set shot? The underhand free throw? Hey, Magnum, this place is totally awesome.
- Thanks, Willie.
- How much did you pay for it? Magnum pay? What a novel concept.
Young lady, not a single centimeter of "this place", as you called it, belongs to Magnum.
Who's this guy? Your butler? This is Higgins.
He kind of runs the place.
Higgins, this is Willie, our secret weapon.
Nice to meet you, Higgie.
Come on, guys! Let's go! Nice play, guys.
OK.
Set it up again.
Offense to defense.
There you go.
Hey.
Willie, why didn't you hit the open man? He was wide open.
He didn't look open to me.
Well, he was, and it's a screen-and-roll drill.
Offense to defense.
Let's go, you guys.
Come on.
Set it up.
- Hiya.
- You didn't set a pick! You forgot to set your pick.
Come on.
Offense to defense.
You've got to set a pick or the play won't work.
Nice pick.
Yeah, nice try, guys.
OK.
Good D.
Offense to defense.
Let's go.
Come on, you guys.
- What's wrong with you? - That jade figurine is priceless.
Yeah, I know.
About two million priceless.
to be played with, it's It's Han Dynasty, right? About 220AD.
A bit earlier, actually.
Between 170 and 185.
Oh, yeah, right.
I should have looked more closely at the eyes.
Quite perceptive.
Now would you please put it down? Very carefully.
Sure, Higgie.
No sweat.
Wow! What a righteous chest! - That righteous chest is an antique.
- It's Korean, isn't it? I thought it was a Hong Kong imitation at first.
Nothing of Mr.
Masters' is an imitation.
Yeah, but this is the real thing.
Tortoiseshell inlay and all.
Yes.
- It's a beautiful piece, isn't it? - Mm-hm.
- Hey, what smells so good? - I'm baking a walnut torte for tea.
- What kind of walnuts are you using? - English, of course.
- I hope you removed the skins.
- I beg your pardon? If you don't, they'll make it taste bitter.
Yes, I have noticed a rather sharp tang.
What you do is blanch them first, then rub the skins off with a towel.
- Where's the kitchen? - Just off the dining room.
Come on.
I'll show you how.
There's actually no such thing as English walnuts.
They're really Persian.
People call them English cos British ships brought them over from Persia.
Interesting, huh? OK, offense to defense.
Let's go.
Hey, where's Willie? She was heading for the house.
I guess she had to you know You guys run some lay-ups, OK? I'll be right back.
It was outside the Abbey of Montecassino, and a bloody awful mess it was too.
Montecassino Early '44, right, north of Salerno.
- Yes.
- You must have been a baby, Higgie.
Well, ha-ha, not quite.
At any rate, Lieutenant Cariton Houghtailing and I were pinned down by sniper fire for 16 days in an abandoned mushroom cellar.
It's shocking what a deleterious effect a regimen of nothing but mushrooms can have.
By the sixth day, Houghtailing had forgotten his own name, and by the tenth he was convinced that we were Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.
Needless to say, that presented some problems.
Higgins! Don't do anything you'll regret.
What are you babbling about now, Magnum? Nothing, I guess.
If you abscond with Theresa before we've skinned these walnuts, you'll forfeit your share of the torte.
You gotta promise me something.
- What? - Well, my name, Theresa It's sort of private.
I'd appreciate it if it didn't get around.
Gotcha.
Speaking of favors, I've got one I want to ask you.
Shoot.
How about telling me the truth? About you.
I already did, OK? I told you all about me.
I'm not talking about phantom basketball players and reporters.
I want to know who you are, other than Willie the Weapon.
What about your mom and dad? They living in Honolulu? You're just gonna wreck everything, asking questions about things that don't matter and sticking your nose into other people's business and Great.
Start to cry.
That's really gonna help a lot.
My dad split town about three or four years ago.
Just didn't come home one night.
My mom took it really hard.
She cried a lot.
Then one day she gathered together all his stuff, everything he'd left behind, and made a bonfire out of it in the backyard.
The whole thing went up in about 15 seconds.
Easy come, easy go, I guess.
Mom got a job doing secretarial stuff for the government.
You know, nine to five, punch in and punch out.
Me, I got a key to the apartment.
I'm one of your latchkey kids.
They write stories about kids like me, don't they? It's up here on the right.
You gonna be at practice tomorrow? I'm Willie the Weapon, remember? I'll be there.
You of all our children, princess.
We're very hurt, and we were worried.
We were very worried.
Why, Lee looked everywhere for you, didn't you, Lee? Yeah.
Everywhere.
Look, I was gonna call, for sure.
Like hell she was.
You raise a kid, you sweat, you slave, and look at the thanks you get.
Look, I'm not your kid, I'm just another check from the state.
Maybe you'd rather be back in a juvenile facility.
- That can be arranged, kiddo.
- Now, now, Vera.
That won't be necessary.
Kids.
They never appreciate what they've got.
Home sweet home.
Thanks.
Tons.
Be fair, princess.
We invested a lot of time in your education.
We taught you so much.
Yeah.
Bouncing off car fenders has a lot of potential.
- We're all you've got, Theresa.
- Willie! It's Willie to you, Vera.
Vera's right.
It can be an awful cold worid out there, Princess.
Well, I got friends.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, we heard that.
One of them's Robin Masters.
Is that true? Is that really true? Hey, Vera and I think that's terrific.
I mean, it must be great to get to know a guy like Robin Masters.
Uh-uh.
No way.
Forget it.
I got you guys clocked like radar.
There's always juvie princess.
Yeah? Well, you guys can just kiss off any schemes that you're thinking about.
I'd rather come clean to the heat than blow it with my friends.
Princess, we're your friends.
Besides, who in the hell would believe you? Think about it.
Now, princess.
Maybe you can tell us a little something about Robin's Nest.
I've always been curious about how the other half lived.
Huh, Princess? Huh? See? - Still got the old spring.
- That's great, pal.
- For my sake, I hope your kids do too.
- Huh? Since you've found your new secret weapon, the points spread changed.
I just cut Ice Pick in for five big ones.
- Big ones? - No, big ones.
- I'm gonna kill you.
- Hold on.
- What's the matter? - Nothing that coming clean won't cure.
- Do you know what he's talking about? - No.
I just came from the club and the odds on your team are way down, almost even money.
What gives? A ringer.
He's got a ringer! Probably some big, He's probably mean and ugly too.
That is low down, Thomas.
That is illegal, immoral T.
C.
, it is a kids' game, and that's all I got.
Kids, just like yours.
Maybe the word's out on the quality of the coaching.
The quality of the coaching? Hah! Man, talk is cheap.
When was the last time you played, anyway? Oh, the Academy, that basketball powerhouse.
With their height limit.
What were you, the center? - Kareem Abdul-Magnum.
- Don't go any farther.
I know what you're going to say next.
The third all-time leading score at Grumbling? - Grambling! - Oh, yeah.
Wait! Hold on! Hold on! I think I've got an idea that will settle everything.
Where you move, boy? Let's do a little switch.
Hold it, Magnum.
Let me see that ball.
Turkey! They don't teach 'em much at the Academy, do they? Wanna touch this? Should have got on me.
- Blocking.
- What? He ran right into me! - OK, charging.
- Charging? You gotta be out of your mind! OK! Play it over again.
Where's the ball? - So you're the star of this team, huh? - Yeah, sort of.
- This game must be pretty important.
- They all are.
Look, I know what you're trying to do.
You do? Hey, princess, I'm just talking about basketball now.
Sounds to me like this coach of yours is trying to use you, to exploit your talents, you know? No, that's not it.
Not at all.
Oh.
So after this game you figure they'll still want to have you around, right? Well, sure.
Of course.
We're friends.
Don't count on it, Willie.
Vera and I and the other kids, we're your friends.
That's cos we've been through a lot together, not all of it fun, but we've done what we've had to do to survive and we always will.
Cos we're a family.
Those other people aren't.
Give me a break, will you? She's probably just been temporarily delayed.
She's not coming.
She lied to us, just like she lied about everything else.
- You're being awfully harsh.
- It's true! She lied about where she lives, her name.
She probably hasn't said one thing that's true.
She's gotten to you but I can still see what's going on.
We're being taken for a ride, being played for big, grown-up dummies.
- But what on earth for? - I don't know.
I can't help but feel there's a perfectly good explanation for all this.
For once, Higgins, I hope you're right.
Come on, guys, tighten up.
You're looking like a bunch of school kids.
Princess.
You know the way home.
We'll be waiting.
OK.
Chest passes.
Let's go.
Fast.
Let's go.
Come on.
Faster! Right in the chest.
Keep it going.
Faster.
Don't put your hands at your side when you're done.
Faster.
- That's it.
Keep going.
- Hey, Coach.
What's happening? OK.
Rotate when you get to there.
Come on, guys.
For starters, you're late.
About an hour and 15 minutes late.
Yeah.
I'm probably gonna be late for my own funeral.
Look, my mom's car wouldn't start.
I had to find a jumper cable and somebody who had a six-volt battery.
Do you know how hard it is to find a six-volt these days? Willie, if you can't tell me the truth, don't bother saying anything.
- What's that mean? - We came by to pick you up.
No one there ever even heard of you.
Why did you lie? All right, here we go again.
The third degree.
- You a coach or a cop? - I'm a coach.
I won't have anybody on the team who's not straight with me.
What's any of that got to do with basketball? It's a team sport, Willie.
All of us working together to win.
Yeah, that's the most important thing to you.
Winning this stupid game.
Impressing your friends.
Getting your name in the paper.
- Winning your dumb bets.
- No, it's not.
Sure it is.
You're on a big ego trip, telling everybody what to do.
You don't care.
You don't understand.
I do care and I want to understand, but you're not giving me a chance.
OK, you want to talk? Really talk? - Come on.
- I'll talk right here.
I don't have anything to hide.
My name is Theresa Catherine Henderson.
Willie's my nickname, after my dad.
He's dead and so is my mother.
Both of them died in a car accident.
I live in a foster home, OK? It's not much, you know, our house.
Maybe it's even kind of crummy.
But that doesn't bother me.
I don't have much, but I got me.
And I don't need you or your team or your crummy game.
So try and win it by yourself.
- I say, Magnum - Don't start with me, Higgins.
I most certainly will, after that petulant and insensitive display.
Yeah, she was pretty impossible.
- I'm talking about you.
- Me? Me? What did I do? You've allowed this game to become more important than the children.
After all Theresa's been through, a bit of leniency might be in order.
It's not gonna work, Higgins.
I'm not gonna feel guilty.
Hey! Hey.
If I didn't like you so much, I wouldn't bother with all this.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Then do me a favor.
Don't like me so much.
- It's a real pain in the - All right! All right.
Besides, you don't like me.
You don't even know me.
It's just that I've got a great jumper.
- And a terrific hook.
- True.
And I drive the baseline better than anybody.
With either hand.
Yep.
If basketball was all there is to life, you'd be set.
I told you, I can take care of myself.
Sure you can.
You know, Higgins likes you too.
He really chewed me out back there.
Higgins got mad at you cos of me? Yeah.
He was real steamed.
Said I was petulant and insensitive.
He's got a point.
He also said I was paying too much attention to basketball.
But he's wrong.
It's not just the game, it's what you guys learn from the game that's important.
You believe me? I believe what you said about yourself.
It's the truth.
The only real home I ever had was the library.
Foster homes are just places to go crash in after it closed.
That's all I got.
Books and basketball.
Do you believe me? Hey, how about having dinner with Higgins and me tonight? - How come? - You figure it out.
- Tonight? - Tonight? What a thoughtful invitation.
Yeah.
Pot luck.
This is gonna be a dinner they're not gonna forget for a long time.
There is something reassuring about the sound of a child's footsteps in the home.
I suppose it goes back to my own childhood, Christmas in Cornwall, when the house was absolutely filled with youngsters.
My cousins, Alistair and Eunice.
And an occasion such as this, when we have a special guest, simply demands nothing but the finest.
Don't you agree, Magnum? Yeah, except our special guest isn't here yet.
Theresa will show.
I hope she's just fashionably late.
A word with which I would hardly expect you to be conversant.
Fashionable, that is.
- Yes? - It's me, W Theresa.
- I hope I'm not too late.
- Of course not, my dear.
I'll release the lock.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
- What about those dogs? - Higgins has them patrolling the beach.
And they won't bother you as long as I'm along.
We're friends.
You know something, Willie? I always knew you'd amount to something.
Yeah.
Something.
Hi, sports.
Sorry I'm late.
Just pretend it's practice.
- Hey.
Nice-looking outfit.
- You look lovely, my dear.
- Thank you.
What's for dinner? - We'll start with an artichoke vinaigrette And if I'm not mistaken, a Cornish game hen, with apricot sauce and seasoned with a touch of Pernod.
Smells great.
What's for dessert? If you'll be so kind as to accompany me to the patio, you'll soon find out.
Well, thank you.
Wait.
Isn't she a little young? Devigne knows no age limit.
Half a glass.
The game is tomorrow.
All I need is a hung over point guard.
OK, half a glass.
How about pouring me some? Really, Magnum, you must be joking.
Waste a Devigne vintage '61 on your palate? Oh, well, I suppose it is a special occasion.
I'm a grown-up.
Thank you.
Friends.
An admirable though typically maudlin sentiment.
However, it's inoffensive enough in its generality, therefore To friends.
Theresa.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sure.
To friends.
Couldn't we go upstairs? Just to look around? Let's not push our luck.
Something wrong with your vinaigrette? Perhaps Perhaps she'd rather have a taco.
Or a chili dog.
Come on.
You don't really like this stuff, do you? Of course she does.
It was Theresa herself who gave me the recipe.
That doesn't mean she likes it, Higgins.
Right? You know, I've got a feeling there's a lot of things that Willie doesn't like, except that sometimes those things are just easier to do.
But there is nothing easy about eating artichoke vinaigrette.
You're right.
I can't stand the garbage.
Let's blow this joint and get a taco.
Except on the way out I think we ought to stop by the living room.
Hi, guys.
Planning a garage sale? Princess.
Don't give her that princess stuff.
I knew she was no good.
Coming from you, that's a compliment.
You little rat! Higgins, I am so sorry.
Don't worry, my dear, it was a fake, a duplicate of negligible value, as are all of the contents of those bags.
You You knew? - You guys knew? - Of course we did.
- But how? - Well, I just did a little checking after I found out who your foster parents were.
- Then you didn't believe me.
- No, I believed you.
That time.
I just wanted to make sure that they were OK for you.
I also ran into that guy who followed us in the pickup truck.
Lee.
Yeah, that's what he said his name was.
Said a lot of other things too.
You guys knew all the time? And you trusted me? - You knew I wouldn't go through with it? - Of course.
We just wanted to make sure you did too.
Somebody stop that girl! Come on, guys! Attagirl, Willie! All right! Come on, let's go! Let's go! Look at that! He got fouled and you called nothing! Come on, Willie, now work the ball.
OK, set up now, guys.
Time out.
Time out.
Come on, guys.
- Don't do that again.
- What are you talking about? - I made that shot.
- That's not the point.
Look for the open man under the basket.
I don't want you gunning any more low-percentage shots.
That's the way to crash the boards, guys.
This high post offense is working great.
Make sure that you pick your man off when you cross.
When this person passes, look for the back door.
We'll run play number five.
If you get the ball, hold onto it.
If she gets the ball, double team her, triple team her.
She will not pass to other members of her team.
OK.
Menehunes, hey! Go get 'em, guys.
You can do it.
Here we go.
Now just work the ball.
- What? - Two to tie, four to win.
Is she gonna do it? - There's a time and a place - Ice Pick has got money on the game.
- Remember Ice Pick? - I gotta coach.
Will you stop it? Come on, guys.
Defense.
Final score, Menehunes 38, Robin's Stars, 36.
- Good game.
- Thanks, partner.
You guys are awesome.
- I'm sorry, Willie.
- It's not your fault, Gus.
Hey.
Nice pass, Willie.
Gus, it was a good shot.
A percentage shot.
You did the right thing.
Next time it'll go in.
Listen, guys Hey, wait, let's give them a yell.
Menehunes, rah, right? Menehunes, rah! Nice shot.
We could have won.
- Maybe.
- I shouldn't have listened to you.
Yeah, but you did.
And I'm proud of you.
For what? Losing? Winning is not everything, Willie.
Next you'll be saying it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.
- How did you guess? - Magnum, these are the 1980s.
That went out with high-buttoned shoes.
Well, maybe it shouldn't have.
Maybe those trite expressions are there because they have meaning.
I mean, you sparked this team, Willie.
You pulled them to within a basket of the toughest ballplayers that I've seen for their age.
Maybe we didn't win, but you became part of the team.
That's what's important.
See, Willie a team is like a family.
Maybe you have squabbles, maybe you don't always agree with each other, but you're still a family.
Still friends.
And that's what's important.
I believe she got the point, Magnum.
Although how she got it from that collection of antiquated saws you were just quoting is beyond me.
You know, you remind me of Lieutenant Favisham.
Frightfully verbose chap.
Used to lecture us on the morals and ethics of the British soldier on expedition.
But one day we were surrounded by Rommel's lads and had no choice but to fight our way out.