Melissa & Joey s03e15 Episode Script

Previously on "Melissa & Joey" My Grandmother Sofia is failing and all she wants is to see me and Tiffany together.
- Why does she want to see your ex-wife? - I never told her that we got divorced.
Of course I'm coming, Nona! You you're checking It's really you! Hi, Tiffany! I need you to kill a rat.
You mean murder? I know where she oughta put her two lips.
- Right here.
- Leave me alone.
That sounded pretty clear to me, fellas.
What is this? The rabbit's brew has produced It's a love potion.
"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Nona.
Dude.
That was the best 99th birthday party I've ever been to.
The best part is seeing the flame of love.
Glow again between my Joey and His Tiffany.
That's who we are, especially me.
Don't oversell, Tiffany, all right? - I can take it from here, Nona.
- I bet you can.
I left you a little nightcap The rabbit's brew.
Well, hop to it.
Isn't she adorable? I mean, you have an adorable Grandmother.
You know, I just wanna, I just wanna put her in my purse and take her home with me.
And then when I go out with my friends, I can take her out and say, "Nona in your face!" Whoa whoa, Mel, no way.
I'm already way over my limit.
I'm just happy they didn't have a sobriety checkpoint at the bottom of the stairs.
You are so funny, Joe.
You know, I don't tell you that enough, so let me tell you again.
- Okay.
- You - Yeah? - Are so funny Joe.
Hey, Mel, Mel, listen to me.
Listen, I'ma tell you something very important, all right? I want you to put down the bed and get to drink, okay? Here's what I meant.
I meant put down the bed and get to drink, all right? - You nailed it that time.
- I did nail it.
Tell you what I'ma do.
I'm gonna go bunk in the spare room tonight, all right? - Okay.
Night.
- Okay.
Night.
This door's locked.
Why-why-why why is this door locked? Your Grandmother locked us in! Oh, you know why? Because she wants us to spend the night together tonight, like wabbits.
It's wabbit season for Joey and Tiffany.
Oh, yes, you're vewy wight.
- Because I'm Tiffany.
- Yes, you are.
- And you're JoeJoeBee.
- I am.
My sweet sweet JoeJoeBee.
Yes yes, that's me.
Wow, that feels so good.
You know that? Oh my goodness.
Hey, Mel, you know you're so sweet for coming with me this weekend.
Seriously.
I mean, everybody was so happy to see you.
You know that? Nobody more than JoeJoeBee, though.
- Hmm.
- Okay? I'm so glad I did.
Ah.
_.
Ooh.
- It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! As far as I can see - It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! I guess you're stuck With me.
Mama Gloria, I I can't murder this guy, even if he's stealing from you.
Oh my God.
She's gonna have to kill me too, because I know too much.
Oh! - You'll need this.
- A shovel? What, I gotta bury him too now? Well, he's too big to flush.
Mama Gloria, I I can't kill a man.
I'm sorry, I just can't.
A man? I want you to kill a rat! - You know - Oh! When you said a rat, I thought you meant a wiseguy who sang to the cops.
What are you, in a Scorsese movie? Now look, when you see the rat, two to the back of the head bam bam.
I know you won't let me down.
So, Miss Ohio, gotta say I really enjoyed being with you tonight.
Me too, but you do remember that I'm leaving tomorrow.
- So you and I can't - Let us not speak of tomorrow.
Hey there.
Looks like you got yourself a Situation.
Doesn't seem like he's up to your usual intellectual standards, though.
I know.
It's so relaxing.
It's a good thing you and Zander are on a - What'd you call it again? - A pause! - A pause, yeah.
- It's a real thing.
Taylor Swift does it all the time.
Oh boy.
Go back to sleep.
Back to sleep.
Back to sleep.
Good morning, Joe.
Morning there, Mel.
Oh, I had the strangest dream.
I don't even wanna tell you about it.
It's too inappropriate.
Might've had the same dream.
Wait.
Whoa.
You and I?! Yeah, you and I.
The whole thing?! Like from from the Earth to the moon? All the way.
The eagle's landed.
We have to make a pact, okay? What what happened last night dies with us.
- Okay.
- Okay, nobody can ever find out.
- Joey, breakfast! - Oh my God.
Whoa.
Mom! After all these years, you still don't knock first?! Mel Burke, when you commit to a part, you go all the way! No, it's not what it looks like.
It never is.
But don't worry.
No one will know but me.
What the hell?! They did it.
She saw nothing.
So I cornered the little rat, like a rat I guess that's why they say that.
But in the end, it was either me or him.
I had the shovel.
Extra peppers and eggs for this one.
My boy became a man last night.
Joey is very quiet this morning.
Maybe he didn't get so much sleep.
Good morning, Nona.
Gloria, so good to see you today for the very first time.
JoeJoeBee.
TiffyPop.
Hey, how about last night? Did you hear those two going at it? Like human jackhammers.
I thought it'd never stop.
Why'd you have to be so loud, huh? Why'd you have to be so good? The whole house shook.
Bang bang bang.
We get it.
We get it.
What? Was I the only one that heard it? The Pascarelli brothers got in a fistfight and knocked over all the trash cans.
Oh! Trash cans.
Right, yeah.
Bang bang.
- Yeah, what'd you think? - Nothing.
Nobody should think anything.
People should just eat.
All right? And appreciate how great last night was.
Nona's birthday party.
Yup, because that's the only thing that happened.
All night.
Hey, Vinnie, that was a hell of a party last night, right? - Sal, wassup? How you doing? - Stop playing with your friends.
There are bigger things going on right now.
Come on.
Last night, Aunt Mel slept over in Joe's room.
And I mean like really slept over.
Come on, that makes no sense.
They're always fighting.
Well, yeah, but sometimes fighting is a kind of attraction.
Haven't you noticed what's been going on between Joe and Aunt Mel for the last three years? No.
We've been living in a house permeated by sexual tension and frustration.
I thought that was just me.
Hey, Mel, look, we have some important things to talk about.
You're right.
I was thinking if we leave before 3:00 P.
M.
, we can miss all the Sunday afternoon traffic on the turnpike.
That's what you wanna talk about? Turnpike traffic? What about you and me, what happened in here last night? You know, from the Earth to the moon.
You know what? I was thinking about that, too, we Didn't do anything.
We weren't even there.
Oh, you were there.
I mean, I was there, too.
I I was just a little higher.
No no no no no.
You and I were not there.
JoeJoeBee and Tiffany were there.
- Mel, please will you stop - No, Tiffany.
I have to be Tiffany and fool your Grandmother for two more hours.
Hey, Joey and Tiffany, Nona wants to see everyone in the living room An announcement or something.
You guys busy? Actually we're right in the middle of talking Not at all! Here comes Tiffany! Tramp, slut, tramp, slut, tramp, slut As wonderful as that birthday party was, it was probably my last.
No no no no no, one day soon I'll be laid out here in this parlor with nice makeup on.
Not too much, Gloria.
I don't want to look cheap.
Now I wanna tell you what I'm leaving each of you.
Okay First of all, to my handsome great-grandson Marco My late husband Alfredo's collection of Risque playing cards.
And I've never revealed this to anyone I am the Queen of Hearts.
Nona Not bad.
More like the Queen of Heartbreakers.
And for my grandniece Rosalie So that's why I don't want you to be planning the rest of your life around me.
We come from two different worlds and I'm leaving today, so just Don't fall in love with me.
Hello.
Could you look this way? Got it, got it.
No future here.
But listen, could you give me a goodbye kiss? A big one? And face this direction.
What are you doing? Nothing.
It just over here the sun makes your hair look jealous I mean nice.
That girl on the fire escape is staring at us.
That's my girlfriend Sheila Well, ex-girlfriend.
We're in a grey area.
She called it a - A pause? - I knew it was a fancy word.
So I was thinking if I hung out with the pretty out-of-town girl, I could kind of unpause things.
Get Sheila back in the Marco business in a big way.
I cannot believe you were just using me to re-interest your girlfriend.
Well, you were using me too, right? Well, yeah, but I did it for Cultural research.
Okay, fine, one kiss, but both hands above the waist.
It's Sheila.
She's coming down here.
You know what to do when a girl grabs you by the hair, right? To my beloved granddaughter Theresa who has always been at my side I leave you my 1984 Chevrolet Impala.
Enjoy there, Therese.
You don't see a lot of those on the road anymore.
That's it? That car doesn't even have reverse.
Now to my grandson Joey and his curvy sposa Tiffany.
Now that your love has been rekindled, you're gonna need a nest, for this family that's sure to come A house in the neighborhood.
My house.
The house that Theresa is house-sitting.
Whoa whoa whoa, old woman.
You mean the place where me and Angelo have lived for the past six years? The house we've remodeled with our blood and our sweat? That's the one.
Enjoy.
Hold on, do you wanna know something about curvy Tiffany here? - Hey, yo, Theresa, it's a bad time.
- She is not who you think she is.
Either you tell her or I will.
Is this true? Hey hey, yo yo, don't touch ah! It's true.
I'm not the woman you think I am.
None of us are.
I color my hair.
No.
No, this is not the woman that Joey married, the truth is The truth I actually forgot to tell you something.
You can have the house, all right, I don't want the damn house.
So nice to see Tiffany here, isn't it? One last thing you must promise me You two will stay together forever.
Well, Nona, see, forever it's such a long time.
- Promise me! - Well, but but see Yes.
Yes, Nona.
Of course we'll always stay together.
Oh.
Now I can die happy.
Oh my God.
Is she? She's gone.
That was beautiful.
This woman knew how to pick a moment.
You know what Nona would want right now? Music.
You know what you just said? Well, it didn't mean anything.
You just made a deathbed promise.
In this family, that is sacred.
Oh.
Sure, now you tell me.
So, Mel When you just swore to Nona that we would be together forever, did you mean that? No! It was an uncomfortable moment.
I was making light conversation.
A deathbed promise is not light conversation! Why are you getting so upset? It was Tiffany who made the promise.
And now I know why you divorced her, because that woman is nothing but trouble.
It wasn't Tiffany in the bedroom last night, Mel, it was you and me.
You know, I'm thinking that maybe Maybe you and me is not such a crazy idea.
I think that defines "crazy idea.
" I mean, after all this time, don't we Don't we owe it to ourselves to at least give this thing a shot? Look, Joe, my history with men has been To put the best possible face on it disastrous.
Hey, before you knew me, I was engaged, and that blew up.
And then, well, you remember George.
Yeah, the guy who was 10 years younger than you.
Five.
Eight.
What am I, under oath? Then of course, there was Austin who was perfect for you except for the fact that he had a vasectomy.
The topic was your failed relationships.
I was helping you out! See, we always do this.
We turn everything into an argument.
We do not! Okay, this could never work! You know what? Um I've gotta catch the next flight back to Toledo.
I have meetings.
You have a lot of family business to deal with now that Nona's gone.
- You're running away, Mel.
- I am not! Look, pasta.
My man, Vanilla Ice.
You always knew the ladies.
You could tell me what to do.
Joey, what's going on?! I heard Mel took a cab to the airport.
I thought something happened between the two of you.
So did I, ma, but she didn't.
I'm just gonna stay here with you for a while, help you plan Nona's funeral.
Spoiler alert! She winds up in a box in the ground.
Hey, that's Nona you're talking about.
And she would want you to live life, to go after your girlfriend.
Now get up off that bed and go! She's not my girlfriend, Mom.
I told you we got no future.
- I think you do! - But all we do is fight! Fighting? That's Italian for love! Hey, ma, why you giving me such a hard time right now?! Because I love you.
Yeah, I love you too! You see how we're talking? This is love! Now go after her before I really get mad.
That's what Vanilla Ice would do.
You know what, ma? You're right.
I'm gonna do it! Now gimme a hug.
Now! Go! There's like 75 sandwiches in here And A quart of olives.
Mom didn't want us to have to stop for anything.
Did she also tell you to drive 190 miles per hour? We might beat Aunt Mel home.
- It's gonna be close.
- It's almost like You're chasing her.
What's that box doing, sitting in your brother's lap back there? Don't change the subject.
Well, normally I wouldn't, but the box is moving.
Oh! It's the rat! He said he killed it! What? What? We home? Who's your friend there, buddy? Yeah, that's just that's Cannoli.
I was supposed to kill him for Mama Gloria, but I didn't, so Now he's in the rodent protection program.
Ewe ewe ewe! Throw him out the window.
Ease up, okay? Cannoli here has been through a lot.
So I'm guessing if I ask you about Aunt Mel, you're just going to duck, dodge and not tell me anything, right? All right, fine, don't talk about it.
I won't mention it again.
Okay, here it is.
I think we both know it's kind of ridiculous that we're all still playing along with this whole, you know I-need-to-be-your-nanny story.
I mean, you're almost in college and Ryder's, what, in 14th grade now? I don't see why there's any reason why your Aunt and I Can't go for this thing.
Are you saying you like her? Yes.
- Yes, I like her.
- Ah! Finally! What? What happened? We hit something? Ryan, people said I was crazy, but crazy people take chances on love.
Kiss me.
You're ruining a great friendship, Julia.
You know, you're never gonna be able to work together again.
Romantic comedies suck.
Go away! I've got a vicious dog in here! Hey, Mel.
Austin, what are you? Let me get through this, because I practiced the whole way here.
I want you to give me another chance.
I want you in my life.
And I want us to have a family together.
But I thought you never wanted kids.
That's why you had that vasectomy.
And now I'm ready to reverse it.
I couldn't find a greeting card to say that, so I came here to tell you myself.
Wow.
That and flowers.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I can see the big smile on her face.
Okay, I'm gonna go in.
Yeah, you should do this by yourself.
Ryder and I will pretend to unload the car.
But we are unloading the car.
Yes, and let's do it very very slowly.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Mel.
- Joe.
Austin?