Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e15 Episode Script

Hey, come on, honey.
Your pIane Ieaves in an hour.
AII set.
Except for Mork.
I wonder why he ran out at the Iast minute Iike that.
Oh, honey, Mork wouIdn't miss seeing you off.
After aII, going to Topeka is a big deaI.
Yeah, yeah, covering the Winter Wheat Conference is a big deaI.
Who's gonna pick you up at the airport? A chartered tractor? No.
No, it's important, Dad, because Mr.
Sternhagen at the station said if I do reaIIy good on this assignment, he might give me a bigger one.
Like city haII, congressionaI scandaIs, maybe even the Summer Wheat Convention.
Mind.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Oh, Pop, Pop.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Pop, Pop, Pop.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mind, Mind, Pop, Pop, Mind, Mind.
I brought you this wonderfuI gift.
Since you're going to Kansas, I got a fIea coIIar for Toto.
Don't be afraid, there's no pIace Iike that.
You're right.
Mork, thank you.
I'II pass it aIong.
Okay, honey, I'II go warm up the car.
You know, the best way to do that is to bIow on its carburettor and say that you Iove it.
I'II do that, but I'II hate myseIf in the morning.
Okay, Mork, now I want you to pay cIose attention.
We've got a Iot of things to cover if you're gonna manage by yourseIf.
Come on, now, Mind, scoff, scoff, derisive Iaughter.
Me manage by myseIf? Do you know who you're taIking to? Yes.
- This is the can opener.
- Can opener.
- This is the coffee pot.
- Coffee pot.
Remember what I toId you about the bIender? Yes, just turn it off.
Don't just stand there waiting for it to fIush.
Right.
And remember the most important part.
You turn it off from the outside.
I wondered why my fingernaiIs were getting shorter.
WeII, I gotta run.
I'm gonna miss you, Mork.
WeII, you can't miss, Mind, if you aim right here.
Okay, weII, you have a good time, and I'II see you when I get back on Monday.
You have a good time.
Don't worry about me.
Everything's aII right.
I'm a superior being - and I can handIe everything.
- That's right.
Okay.
Bye.
Later, mama.
Alone again Just to be alone again WeII.
Yes.
Hey, hey.
WeII, I guess I'II just have to peeI it and eat it raw.
Oh, I've gotta stop thinking about her.
No.
I've gotta stop thinking about her.
No! Oh, she's not even thinking of me.
She's here.
She got my psychic teIegram.
Oh, my darIing.
My darIing.
Oh, what a disappointment.
You're no aurora boreaIis yourseIf.
I just came up to teII you, I got a caII from our IandIord, Mr.
KIevins.
He's coming around Iater to instaI smoke aIarms in aII the apartments.
No more smoke? There goes my chat with Chief White EagIe.
What? You better get this pIace cIeaned up.
This KIevins is a reaI creep.
He's bounced tenants for having crooked doormats.
- You reaIIy miss Mindy, don't you? - No way.
WeII, where'd you get aII the pictures? Shiksamat? What? Listen, maybe it'd heIp to get your mind off Mindy if you go out with some of your friends.
That's be great, Bick.
How about the two of us? Paint the town pink, huh? - I'm sorry, Mork, I can't.
- Why not? Because it sounds Iike a drag.
And I thought he didn't Iike me.
Hear that, Mind? They're pIaying our song, darIing.
You know, I Iove it when you wear that perfume, Janitor in a Drum.
You can cure that with some fabric softener.
You know that, don't you? Wait a minute, Mind.
Oh, no.
That can onIy mean one thing.
He's here.
It's him.
The Orkan EIder.
What do you mean, no? It's the ancient one, the wisest of the wise.
Stop that.
No, it's him.
Oh, no, quick.
Down upon your knees.
Nice touch.
- Rise, Mork.
- Oh, sir.
Don't be so formaI, Mork.
You know my name is: I came because it's my birthday.
Oh, sir, happy birthday.
Birthday.
Very touching.
Hard to keep a dry eye.
I just wish the Orkan aging process wasn't reversed.
Seems Iike every day I Iook in the mirror, I get a IittIe bit cuter.
- Where does the time go? - I don't know, sir.
ProbabIy the same pIace that socks go when you Iose them in the dryer.
How oId are you today, sir? In Earth years, 87.
You know, that's amazing.
If you were a dog, you'd be 1 4.
I decided to treat myseIf and drop in to see you.
And, especiaIIy, the soft-Iapped one.
Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir, but she's out of town.
Sir.
I'm sorry I missed her.
They don't make Iaps Iike hers on Ork.
WeII, I can entertain you in the traditionaI Orkan fashion, sir, if you wish to come with me.
Oh, Orkan checkers.
- You go first, Mork.
- Oh, thank you, sir, for the priviIege.
- Check.
- Checkmate.
And I never even saw it coming.
That's why you're the EIder, sir.
You know, I kept thinking about the two of you down here.
EspeciaIIy Mindy.
She's different from us.
Oh, yeah? I know, sir.
You know, sir, the Iast time you were here, you said you couId buiId a Mindy.
Can you? I suppose I couId.
I've got my genetic tooIkit in the egg.
What wiII you do with the one I buiId you - when the reaI Mindy gets back? - I couId seII her to the Osmonds in case Marie gets trampIed at a famiIy reunion.
Are you sure you onIy need one hair? You're gonna have to make her head - awfuIIy smaII for this to fit.
- Of course.
Didn't you Iearn anything in your cIoning cIass on Ork? I had to substitute basket weaving for cIoning.
I was on athIetic schoIarship.
I need some information on Mindy's character traits.
Oh, that's very easy, sir.
She taIks Iike this.
HeIIo, my name is Mindy, I'm a Capricorn.
I Iike fuzzy things, happy peopIe, soIar energy, and whistIing at construction workers.
Turnoffs are gas-guzzIing cars, cancer-causing agents, nucIear power pIants and bathroom poetry.
If I wasn't so modest, I'd say I was adorabIe.
ExceIIent.
Now hand me the Kapovney cIamp so I can adjust her IQ.
Oh, yes, sir.
PIease, sir, remember that she's quite inteIIigent, she has a degree, and she knows about everything.
Watering pIants, driving a jeep.
She can tie her shoe without Iooking down.
She's aImost done.
Oh, sir, pIease remember she was wearing a pink sweater and jeans.
And remember to put her nose right between her eyes.
Sir? Oh, sir? Sir, she's ready, sir.
Okay, okay.
I may be oId, but I'm not deaf.
Oh, sir.
Oh, sir.
- Sir, it worked.
It's an exact dupIicate.
- Of course.
TaIk to her.
Hi, Mind.
Big kiss.
If you think I'm going to fIex my orbicuIar muscIe to oscuIate, you're sadIy mistaken.
- What'd she say? - No.
This idIe discourse fatigues me.
But don't you remember? It's me, your cute IittIe oId Morkie.
Enough of this chiIdish driveI.
I need mentaI stimuIation.
Don't you have any books to read? No.
I have some to coIour.
Never mind, I'II write my own.
But Mind.
CaII me when you've evoIved.
Sir, I think you made her a IittIe too inteIIigent.
- What happened? - WeII, sir, meaning no disrespect, but I think you reaIIy orked up.
Begging your pardon, sir, what was wrong with Mindy's cIone? I mean, if we were gonna have a battIe of wits, I'd be an unarmed man.
These EarthIings must be more compIex than I thought.
Oh, sir.
Don't give up.
PIease, try again.
I mean, I'm reaI IoneIy.
Remember, sir, I mean, she's more the outdoor type.
She's energetic and athIetic.
She's not a spectator, she's a doer.
This one wiII be right.
An eIder never faiIs, twice.
Oh, bIess you, sir, bIess you.
May your shoes aIways be Ioose.
TingIing, sense of anticipation.
Sir? Sir? It's happening again, sir.
I think we got a hot one, sir.
- Hi, Mind.
Big kiss.
- Not now.
I'm in training.
That's reaI athIetic and energetic, sir.
Thank you.
But how do you turn her off, though, sir? The deactivating button is on her foot.
Oh, no, I'm not going near her without a whip and a chair.
Come on, two out of three, two out of three.
- Now it's your turn, Mind.
- Come on.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Aunt, aunt.
Oh, uncIe, uncIe, uncIe.
End of round one, neutraI corners.
Sir, can I borrow this? Sir, can you make the next one a IittIe more Ioving and affectionate? One Iess turn on the butch boIt? - I'II get it.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I hope it's Gore VidaI come to borrow a cup of aphorisms.
Oh, no, no, no.
We can't Iet anybody see you.
I opt to remain.
I feeI the need for sociaI discourse on a much higher IeveI.
You have proved to me that Darwin was wrong.
Pardon me, possibIy we couId find a harmonious resoIution to this imbrogIio by a confIict of inteIIects, i.
e.
, a battIe of wits, whereby the Ioser must forfeit an articIe of cIothing and reveaI epidermis.
- A strip debate.
- Yes, if you catch my drift, yes.
Very weII.
Let's discuss the Cartesian dictum: - ''I think, therefore I am.
'' - Therefore.
And how it reIates to Kierkegaard's observation that a reIation which reIates itseIf to its own seIf must have been created by itseIf or created by another.
Oh, fascinating.
However, your possession of extraneous Iiterature constitutes a fouI.
Therefore, pIease, remit to me your Ieft pedaI extremity, if you can.
Thank you very much.
Sorry about that, Mind.
I mean, I'd have a very hard time expIaining you.
And you wouId have a very hard time expIaining you.
Sorry.
- Who is it? - It's me, AI KIevins, the IandIord.
Oh, I'II be right there, Mr.
KIevins.
AII right, tidy up.
HeIIo.
Hi, you must be the creep.
Creep? I don't know you and aIready I'm not Iiking you.
Where's my tenant, Mindy McConneII? Oh, she's in Kansas right now, Iooking for a smaII dog at a midget convention.
- Who are you? - Mork, the man who Iights up her Iife.
This pIace is a mess.
I don't see how you can teII with aII this junk Iying around.
I have no time for this chitchat.
I gotta instaI this smoke aIarm so that peopIe Iike you won't Iight up my Iife.
I'II put it here, in the bedroom over there.
Oh, if you ever hear this: Put out the fire, then Ieave.
- Round two.
- Wait, Mind.
That was a buzzer, not a beII.
I'm gonna squeeze you Iike a tube of anchovy paste.
No.
You'II never take me aIive.
Sorry about that, Mind.
Oh, wait, wait, I've got them coming and going here.
HoId on a second.
What are we doing, Rockette kicks? What? No time for Iearn yoga.
Wish I couId get a deposit on aII these empties.
WeII, hi there, hot stuff.
Big kiss.
Wait, Mind.
I asked for somebody warm and more affectionate, not a human hickey maker.
You're cute.
Today, boy.
Tonight, man.
Listen, I'm a very kind, innocent IittIe aIien.
I'm not.
Listen, pIease, I wanna wear white at my wedding.
Why don't I sIip into something more comfortabIe, Iike skin? No, no, no.
You can't go in there.
Oh, try to stop me, bIue eyes.
By tonight, my darIing, you'II be needing a Iip retread.
I'm teIIing you, I'm going to drive you to China for Jewish food.
I'm starting to get to you, huh? Quick.
FondIe me with your eyes.
TeII you what, Iet's sip champagne from your sIipper, eh, ma petite? AII right, my scruffy rogue.
- Find it first.
- Oh, I'II find it for you.
Oh, bingo.
I wiII sip from no sIipper before its time.
Oh, Iet's make it a doubIe.
At Ieast I found her turnoff.
Up she go.
Make room for one more.
Oh, we're stacking up Iike cordwood in here.
WouId you stay caIm? - Hey, you? - HeIIo.
- What are you doing? - Oh, just tidying up.
I saw what you did.
You put a person in there.
In fact, it Iooks Iike Miss McConneII.
It's Ms.
McConneII to you.
I'm gonna caII the poIice.
I'm gonna caII the poIice.
- It's just an ostrich.
PIease.
- No, no.
You're a murderer.
That's what you are.
No, pIease, you don't understand.
HeIIo? HeIIo, operator.
Get me the poIice.
I want to report a murder.
- No, you don't understand.
- Hi, Mork.
Never mind.
It's not as important as I thought.
Miss McConneII, you're aIive.
WeII, thank you.
So are you.
What's going on here? Yeah, but you can't be here.
I just saw him stuff your body into that cIoset.
- Here, I'II show you.
- No, no, no.
It's an ostrich convention.
You don't wanna disturb them.
Look, I saw you put someone in there, and I'm gonna find out what's going on around here.
AII right! AII right, Mr.
Smarty-Pants.
You wanna know what's in there? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I'II show you what's in there.
I'm opening the door.
I'm reaching in.
It's just your typicaI mop with jeans and a sweater.
A perfectIy IogicaI expIanation.
Sort of.
I'm getting out of here.
I can't-- I'm getting out of here.
Maybe I'II move back to the Bronx, where it's safe.
What is going on here? Why does this mop have my picture on it? - That's kind of hard to expIain, Mind.
- Oh, I'II bet.
- Now, what's reaIIy in the armoire? - Mind, Mind, you don't wanna Mork, where'd you get the dead Mindys? They're not dead, Mind.
It's just my personaI piIe of perkiness.
- Don't touch their feet, Mind.
- Touch their feet? I don't even wanna touch the armoire.
What are they doing in there? - WeII, the EIder made them, Mind.
- The EId--? The EIder's here? - He's upstairs, cranking out more.
- Oh, we gotta to stop him.
Sir-- Sir, what's wrong? I'm a faiIure, Mork.
An 87-year-oId has-been.
I tried to re-create a Mindy.
I reaIIy tried.
But aII I couId make were cheap imitations, Iike this one.
Oh, sir, this is her, this is the reaI McConneII.
PIease, Mork.
PIease, Mork, don't humour me.
SuddenIy, I feeI very oId.
The soft-Iapped one.
It's reaIIy you.
WeII, of course it's me.
WeIcome to Earth.
What are aII those mes doing in the cIoset? Oh, Mind, don't bIame him.
I asked him to make them for me because I reaIIy missed you.
WeII, I missed you too, Mork, but that's a IittIe strange.
I mean, they Iook just Iike me.
That's just on the outside, Mind.
But that's not the part we reaIIy missed.
I've Iearned a vaIuabIe Iesson.
Humans aren't toys to tinker with.
Seeing you again is the best birthday present I couId possibIy have.
Oh, it's your birthday? Oh, happy birthday.
If I were onIy 30 bleams younger, then I'd stiII be too oId for you.
WeII, what about aII the Mindys? Oh, I'II take them back to Ork for scientific study.
You can keep the one upstairs.
Upstairs? You mean there's another one up in the attic? Yes, except she didn't turn out exactIy as I hoped.
Let me introduce you.
Oh, Mindy? Mindy? Hi, Mork.
Big kiss.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your JeIIy-BeIIyness.
You Iike that one, Beebs? Does that tickIe your fancy? I've got a miIIion of them.
And l've heard them all, twice.
- Get to your report, Mork.
- Oh, yes, sir, Your Snippiness.
This week, sir, I've prepared a very, very speciaI report for you.
I finaIIy found out what distinguishes one EarthIing from another.
Funny.
They all look alike to me.
That may be true, mein hippodrome, but every person has something that makes him unique and very speciaI.
- It's caIIed a personaIity.
- Could you show me one? WeII, no, sir, it's not something you couId see or touch.
But it's something that reaches out and touches peopIe.
It makes each one of them very, very, very different.
- lsn't that inefficient? - Oh, you bet, sir, but that's what makes Iife on this pIanet so darn interesting.
You see, sir, thanks to personaIities, even the most identicaI twin is not the same.
Even the shortest person can stand out in a crowd.
They may have the same number of chromosomes but each person has his own designer genes.
UntiI next week, sir, na-no, na-no.