Raising Hope s03e15 Episode Script

Estimated delivery time: two minutes.
It's right around the corner.
Your wedding gift is right around the corner! What a double standard.
Barney gets to track a package, but I slip a GPS device onto my ex-girlfriend's car, and I have to stay 500 feet away from her.
Estimated delivery time: one minute.
It's here! Let's go to the loading dock.
Now, I know it's a little extravagant, but you two are almost like family to me.
And I got a healthy bonus after suppressing Sabrina's union movement for the fifth straight year.
Here you go, Mr.
Hughes.
Oh.
What's in here? The knobs? This handmade armoire looked a lot bigger on the Web site.
You paid extra for the real-time GPS tracking with the sexy voice.
Your package is delivered.
To hear me say "your package" again, please press one.
Your package.
Okay, here we go.
If you let me watch those telenovelas like I wanted, maybe I could understand these Spanish instructions.
I know you're not enjoying it now, but my scrapbook about how we turned Jimmy's room into a scrapbooking room is going to be hilarious.
Okay, now we're doing red and white to brown, blue to purple.
Ready? I think we need help.
And now on Kids Net, America's favorite teen wizard, Yo Zappa Do.
Zappa Do.
Oh, no.
Cici's covered in spaghetti, and Mom told us to keep an eye on her! Maybe we should have kept two eyes on her.
Cici, you're gonna get me into trouble.
Hope really seems to like this little girl.
Looks like it's time to call Yo Zappa Do! Yo Zappa Do! Hurry up and help us! We need you! Yo, yo, yo, what do you say? Here I am to save the day.
Oh, my God.
That's Trevor.
Trevor is Barney's ex-wife's son.
And when he came to visit Barney, he kind of had a thing for Sabrina.
So, obviously, we didn't get along very well.
Now he's on my TV.
Wow! So how do we do this? How do we pick the right day laborer? Well, what are you asking me for? You're the landscaper.
You've done this before.
Well, yeah, for pickup soccer games or riding the carpool lane.
Never for something important, like translating fan instructions.
All right, well, just pull up.
We'll look for someone with glasses.
No, no, no! We-we just need one.
I am Juan.
No.
Not Juan.
One.
One person who can read this and speak English.
I can.
Ricardo? I think you mean Natesville Radish superstar pitcher, "Rocket" Ricardo.
Not anymore.
Now I am "Dig Your Sewer Line" Ricardo.
The Radishes cut me because they said my conditioning was not at a level they required.
Out.
What about Sabrina's mother? She's got money.
You still dating her? Apparently, my conditioning is not at a level she required, either.
Well, at least you know this is as bad as it can get.
Immigration! You're legal.
Why'd you run? I was trying to catch one and hoped there was a reward.
Huh.
Thanks, Ricardo.
How much owe you we? Just talk normal, Burt.
He speaks English.
Trying I am.
Shocked too much I've been.
We are friends.
It is my pleasure to give you a room to fill your books with scraps.
Because friends help each other when they are down.
But we're not friends.
We're not? We're family.
Oh.
Your son is married to the woman whose mother I was most recently pleasuring.
In a sexual manner.
And that makes us family.
I'm not really sure that that's And family gives whatever family needs.
If you, Burt and Virginia recently were to be cut from your minor league team and be thrown out into the streets by your lover, I would take you in and let you sleep in my scrapbooking room.
Do you need a place to stay? See? You cannot keep a secret from family.
Well, I knew Trevor went out to Hollywood and was auditioning, but I had no idea he was famous.
I can't believe my ex-wife isn't keeping me in the loop about what's going on with her son from two husbands after me.
Hope loves his show.
She's obsessed with that little girl Cici.
You think you could talk to Trevor and get Hope an autograph? I can do better than that.
How about I call Trevor and get you tickets to see the show? Then I could fly you out there to meet Cici in person.
Wow.
That is so generous of you, but We're listening.
Well, after that giant disaster of the tiny armoire, I still owe you a wedding gift.
It could be your honeymoon.
That would be awesome! Though I never really considered going on a honeymoon with Hope.
I mean, I love her.
It's just that Jimmy and I don't really get a lot of time alone.
Look, I want to make this happen for you two.
I'll babysit Hope, and we'll stay at Trevor's.
I let him stay with me when he was here.
I'm sure he's got room for us.
Barney, we can't let you spend that kind of money on us.
It's not money.
I've got ten million Howdy's Bucks.
I scan my card every time a customer doesn't have theirs.
If I had known you were giving away free honeymoons, I wouldn't have ruined every relationship I've ever been in by being emotionally detached and slightly creepy.
James, Sabrina, I am taking care of your honeymoon.
End of discussion.
Thank you so much! Let's go book a flight.
He said, "end of discussion.
" Oh, my God, this is terrible.
I can't fly on a plane.
I hear you, man.
The TSA can have my 12 ounces of liquid when they pry it out of my cold, dead hand.
No, Frank.
I'm scared of flying.
Are you kidding me? Hey, being scared of flying doesn't make you a wimp.
Every time they flew on a mission, the A-Team had to give Mr.
T a glass of milk and sleeping pills.
Pretty sure that was a character flaw a group of writers created to build tension between scenes that actually mattered.
Look, just tell her you're scared.
I can't tell her that.
I don't want to be the reason she doesn't get to go somewhere cool on our honeymoon.
L.
A.
is not that cool, man.
They don't have a pro football team, there's tons of traffic, and they make their porn stars wear condoms, which is totally shortsighted thinking.
How the hell do they expect to get the next generation of porn stars? Ugh! Is it trash day? No.
Oh.
And the sardine cannery doesn't open for another hour.
Aah! Ooh! It smells like somebody died.
Maw Maw! Relax.
I'm still here.
House isn't yours yet.
Before your amigo started taking his hour-long shower, he decided to cook huevos stinkeros.
I got to know what's in that pot.
No, don't.
It'll just release more of the funk.
I'm sorry.
I'm going in.
I love you.
It's got eyes! Oh, great.
Now I got to see.
Oh.
Oh! Oh, God! I think it winked at me.
Good morning.
The best part of waking up is sheep's head soup in your cup.
Once his eyes roll into the back of his head, you know he's good and tender.
Is that my Capitals shirt? Yes.
Uh, I spilled my breakfast on your Redskins jersey.
So, as an apology, I used our fancy scrapbooking scissors to, uh, give it a little more flare.
Ricardo, we need to talk about you staying here.
Yeah.
You don't have to say another word.
Yeah.
You've already done so much for me.
Oh, so glad you understand.
Of course I understand.
It is clear by your expressions that you are as happy to have me live here as I am to be here.
And to thank you, tonight I will cook you the grandest feet you have ever tasted.
I think you mean "feast.
" No.
Nicely done.
Frank, what are you doing? It's my marketing masterpiece-- soda Jenga.
If a customer can pull a 12-pack out without the tower falling, they get it for half price.
The big boys in Wichita are finally gonna know the name "Frank Marolla" for something other than the big lobster escape of '09.
I'm sure they still very clearly remember the "be your own butcher" fiasco when Barney left you in charge to get his lap-band surgery.
That would've worked if that stupid sheep didn't wander out into the street with a hatchet in its back.
I'm gonna go find Barney and make sure we're not late for the airport.
Ready for your flight, Captain Sully Wussenberger? Look, I think I'll be okay.
I'm just trying not to think about it.
I mean, for the first 20 seconds or so, we'll just be on the ground, so it'll be like a fast bus.
And then we're gonna go up in the sky and that'll be nice, until we eventually plummet back down to our fiery deaths, 'cause if God had meant for us to fly, he would have given us propeller fingers.
Calm down.
Here, have a brownie.
Something to wash it down? Thanks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy.
That's two percent milk.
What? You're welcome, Mr.
T.
Oh, damn it.
I don't want to fall asleep.
How am I going to explain that to Sabrina? Frank, I know I said no, but I like it.
A display like this could knock day-old white bread right off the top of the best-seller list.
Somebody should probably call an ambulance.
They never really showed how many sleeping pills they gave Mr.
T, so I had to guesstimate.
Is this yours? Uh Nope.
Ricardo.
What are you guys doing here? Jimmy's afraid of flying.
And also apparently afraid to tell me that.
Which would have been nice to hear before I wasted ten million Howdy's Bucks on nonrefundable airline tickets.
I could have gotten a dune buggy.
So, we're just here to pick up some pillows and blankets so we can sleep in the back of Barney's SUV.
He is going to be driving us to Los Angeles.
Shotgun! No.
Maw Maw, you can't come.
This is our honeymoon-- it's our only chance to be alone.
Well, it's my only chance to give Wilfred his dying wish.
He always wanted his ashes spread in the ocean so fish would choke on him.
He hated fish.
.
Oh, we have to take her.
It's for love-- what better way to honor your honeymoon? Well, if everybody else is going, we're going, too.
Why would we squeeze into a crowded car - for God knows how many hours - Okay, nobody come in the bathroom.
I'm using the tub to marinate pigs' feet.
- I'll get our bags.
- Not to be the crazy one-- or the sane one, I'm not really quite sure-- but this is our honeymoon.
Trevor's a big star.
The rest of us can stay at his place.
If I've learned anything from watching Entourage, it's that they all live in huge houses and everything always works out in the end.
Well, then it's settled.
We're all going.
Where are we all going? Take one down Pass it around Hundred bottles of beer on the wall A hundred bottles of beer on the wall A hundred bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around A hundred bottles of beer on the wall A hundred bottles of beer on the wall Hundred bottles of beer I pity the fool who has to stay awake for this entire car trip.
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall A hundred bottles of beer Take one down, pass it around Hundred bottles of beer on the wall Barney had volunteered to drive us all to Los Angeles, and like most long car trips, it was kind of a drag.
First we listened to his yet-to-be-self-published autobiographical audio book.
I rode my first love from the early morning deep into the night.
No force on this earth could ever pull me off her.
She was a five-speed Stingray fastback.
Banana seat? Yes.
Sissy bar? You bet your ass.
And then we all watched the DVD of Jazzoo, Barney's free-form kazoo jazz band.
Then Barney decided to pick up a hitchhiker.
Easy mistake, guys.
I thought guys with dreadlocks were supposed to be chill.
And once the radio started only picking up Spanish music stations, we knew we had finally arrived in Los Angeles.
Look.
It's the Ventura Boulevard Sheryl Crow sang about.
Let me out.
This is where I will be discovered.
Actually, I think she was singing about Santa Monica Boulevard.
A boulevard's a boulevard.
Good luck, buddy.
Yeah.
Oh, excuse me, where is the office to sign up to become famous, like Mel Gibson or the Ocho Mama.
Oh, excuse me Chapter 47.
The day I met Sabrina, I promised myself that I'd one day spread rose petals in a honeymoon suite for her.
I just thought the tears I'd be crying would be tears of joy.
Enjoy your honeymoon.
Let me tell you something that's gonna make your honeymoon a little more exciting.
It's a move your mother and I invented.
It's called the Minnesota pretzel.
Okay, if he mentions any sex act involving a Midwestern state or a stadium snack food, don't do it.
There's gonna be a birthday or an anniversary you forget, and you're gonna wish you hadn't already played that card.
I don't care what you mother says.
I want to do that crazy thing that we always talked about.
Hmm? Ready.
Me, too.
Oh, by the way, this corset came with this whip.
Should we use it? Uh, well, we both bruise really easily, so maybe we should wait and work our way up to the whip.
Okay.
Oh, I ordered champagne and onion rings from room service.
Your favorites.
Oh.
Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.
Jimmy, my instructions were kiss, get undressed, then do it.
Not doing it dressed like KISS.
I'm sorry, James.
Uh, we ran into a little issue when we showed up at Trevor's.
Uh, hello.
Is Trevor there? Look at that.
The kid's so rich he's got monkey money.
Remember how we always said, if we ever got rich, that's the first thing we'd buy? If we get rich, buy a kangaroo.
Why would we want a kangaroo? They don't roller-skate.
They don't wear suits.
And I've never seen a kangaroo smoke a cigarette.
They're useless.
One, they box, so you've got a bodyguard.
Two, their pouch.
All the benefits of a fanny pack without looking like a dork.
Three, when they die, their skin and a pogo stick make one hell of a costume.
Virginia, she's selling me on kangaroo.
She makes a good point.
Oh, Barney.
Thought you said "Barry.
" Look, I know what I said earlier about maybe you being able to stay here, but that's just not gonna work out now that I got a pet chimp.
But I saw in a magazine you have seven bedrooms, though.
Yeah, it's a big house, but, uh, the chimp takes up a lot of space, and I like to keep a few rooms available just in case several people I care about show up.
Well, sorry I can't help you out, bud, but I'll see you tomorrow at the show.
Zap you later.
Barney's all out of Howdy's Bucks, and in case you've forgotten, we're very poor, so That "so" means we're staying here.
I call the bed.
You two feel free to work around me.
Just be prepared for some harsh yet constructive criticism.
Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs.
You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish.
Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready.
Alone.
On our honeymoon.
Oh, I don't know.
Don't want to miss the Danish.
You're gonna want to stick around.
I'm not leaving.
The news is on.
I want to see what Lindsey Lohan did last night.
I love that little piece of trash.
In an attempt to appeal to Southern California's fastest growing demographic, single Latino women, I would like to introduce our new hunky weatherman, Sunny Reyes.
Thank you, Steve.
As you can see, today's weather's gonna be muy caliente.
Oh, my God, it's Ricardo.
And tomorrow's weather is gonna be Who cares? I live for today.
Let's dance! Our drain at home is clogged with the hair of a celebrity.
From the man who brought you some of your favorite TV shows such as Strudel and Hyman, Mr.
Fuzzy Pants and two unaired episodes of Mama's Family, please welcome the director of Yo Zappa Do, Stu Levine.
Hey.
I say, "Yo Zappa," - you say - Do! No.
You don't say anything until the light goes on that says "laugh.
" All right? Now, let's shoot this baby.
I got to get out of here in time to take my pet kangaroo out for a jump.
Ooh, look, it's Trevor.
Hey, Trevor! We're here! Thanks for the seats.
Please, ma'am, I don't come to your work and bother you in your tiny little cubicle.
Did you hear that? He thinks I work in a cubicle.
Look at you, Cici.
How are you gonna get cleaned up in time? Yo Zappa Do! Yo Zappa Do! Hurry up and help us! We need you! Yo, yo, yo, here I am to get you out of another jam.
She made a doggone mess.
Are you gonna be a good girl and clean up your face? Or am I gonna have to zappa do this place? I said, "Are you gonna be a good girl and clean up your face? Or am I gonna have to zappa do this place?" Not again.
Come on, kid, that's your cue.
Give him the raspberry.
Drew Barrymore could have done this drunk at your age.
Who just did that? It was her.
Are you gonna be a good girl and clean up your face? Or am I gonna have to zappa do this place? I can't believe it.
Hope's gonna be a star.
I'm sorry.
I know this is not the honeymoon you pictured.
No, no, it's way better.
Plus, I-I'm kind of glad we didn't end up drinking each other's blood.
Wait, is the show over? Well, is he gonna clean Cici's face or not? I think it's a two-parter.
You have to watch next week to see what happens.
You mean like a "to be continued"? Do they still do those?