Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e15 Episode Script

Morning.
[TOASTER DINGS.]
Oh, who'd call us at this hour? Oh, we have to send our magic in for its 25-year overhaul.
Consumer Reports says be careful where you tune up your magic.
You could get ripped off.
Well, it's gonna take me a couple of weeks to clear off my magic to-do list.
When do we have to send it in? Today.
Hilda, is it possible that you forgot to mention a previous warning? - Or three.
- Three? Zellie, you wouldn't hurt an unarmed girl, would you? So how about that weather? Is it seasonal, or what? Morning.
Well, Sabrina, thanks to the incompetence of your Aunt Hilda, the two of us are going to be without magic for a couple of days.
Wow, that sort of makes me the most powerful woman - in the household.
- In a way.
What would the most powerful woman in the household have for breakfast? I know, ice cream.
Long live the teen.
Tonight's show will bowl you over.
Why do we have to look for the Family Secret Board now? Because Sabrina's at school, and I wanna surprise her with it.
Oh, yeah.
I can't wait to see the look of indifference on her face.
Oh! SALEM: Didn't you get the memo? This is my fort.
Salem, what are you doing here? Looking for something to play with.
All my toys have developed an unfortunate patina of spit.
Have you seen the Family Secret Board? No, but it might help if I knew what it was.
It's an ancient heirloom.
Sabrina will use it to display the clues to the family secret, so she can decipher them and solve it.
- There.
- See it? No, but I believe that's an old shoe I haven't had my way with.
- Wait.
I think I found something.
- In the rodent family? Please, God.
One priceless antique.
Oh, wonderful.
And three pirates.
Uh-oh.
Hilda, you were supposed to free these men a hundred years ago.
I blame the McKinley administration.
Sorry.
- Oh.
- That's okay.
Well, the Witches' Council isn't going to be happy about this.
Housing prisoners is a sacred duty.
Almost as sacred as letting them go.
Excuse me.
May we have some water? And maybe some oxygen? Oh, yeah.
ZELDA: Yes, of course.
[PIRATES GRUNTING, MUTTERING.]
And maybe a bath.
SALEM: Oh-ho.
Ho-ho-ho.
Tassels.
Oh, y-- Oh, y-- Oh, yes! Hey, where'd Hilda and Zelda go? Oh, well.
Tassels.
Guys, the new club on Grover is opening tonight, and we have to go.
I can't.
I've gotta go to the library.
I promised my mom I'd research car seats to find the safest kind.
Apparently, the ones they used for us were death-traps.
See you later.
We have to go to this club.
It's an over-18 club.
That means people there are driving, getting ready to go to college and maybe even have part-time jobs.
- Valerie, you just described us.
- Yeah, but they're all over 18.
Oh, don't you tickle me, you little stringy thingy, because I'm the boss, and I-- No! [CLATTERING.]
The Family Secret Board.
Well, needless to say, Uh-oh.
"SpaghettiOs.
" So, what did the Witches' Council say? [PIRATES GRUNTING.]
"Since their release is so--" And "so" is underlined.
"--overdue," we have to rehabilitate them before the council will restore their magic and return them to polite witch society.
Well, that shouldn't be so hard.
They seem to respond well to food.
Sit.
See? [MUTTERING.]
You know, I've said this a lot over the last few hundred years, but I'm going to say it again-- Oh.
This is all your fault.
I can't pick a diaper service.
It's too hard.
You said the same thing when your parents asked you to do their taxes.
I found out the club has a great band playing tonight.
Listen, Valerie, I'm not in the mood, Harvey's busy, we're not 18.
- It's 'N Sync.
- And that changes everything.
[VALERIE GIGGLING.]
"Tidy Diaper"? "Dr.
Doodie"? Why couldn't my parents just get a dog? "Heirloom: A family item passed from one generation to the next.
Usually irreplaceable.
" Shoot.
I guess I gotta fix that board, or find a more forgiving dictionary.
Let's try it again.
Walk through the living room like gentlemen.
[MUTTERING.]
[ALL SPEAKING GIBBERISH.]
Whoo-hoo! - Big improvement.
- Yes, much better than last time, when you got liquored up and set the couch on fire.
[PIRATES CHEERING.]
Hi.
I've gotta hurry.
I've gotta wait in line to see a cool band.
The club's on Grover, the Mineshaft.
Valerie'll be there.
I'll be home by curfew.
Love you both.
Why are there pirates in the living room? - Hello.
- Ha-ha-ha.
What we're doing is not bad.
No.
It's not close to bad.
It'snot bad.
- We're practically 18.
- It's a just number.
- We won't smoke or drink.
- I won't curse.
We'll tell them our friends are inside, and they have our ID's.
Sail in like we've been here a million times.
- ID's? - We don't have any.
We're only 17.
Maybe we should've rehearsed a little bit more.
Yeah.
Deh.
There.
That's one.
Only about a million more pieces of this heirloom to go.
[CRYING.]
Maybe it's time to start exploring the options in running away from home.
I'm looking forward to cringing every time I think about what just happened.
Sabrina, Valerie.
I saw what happened.
Here's a place where you can get fake ID's fast.
- Tear it up.
We're not going there.
- You're right.
Let's hurry it up.
'N Sync is starting.
This doesn't seem like a very good neighbourhood.
Yeah, the place where I commit my other crimes is usually much more upscale.
- Yeah? - Actually - ID's? Twenty bucks.
- Yeah.
Come on.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
Heh-heh.
Here.
Can you see the picture? Urban decay doesn't make for the best light.
- We're not doing anything wrong.
- No, absolutely nothing wrong.
[SIREN WAILING.]
I feel very proud-- Cops! [SIGHS THEN PANTS.]
You know what would make this go faster? Hands, and a work ethic.
You're at a dinner party and there are ladies present.
- Oh! - Ladies.
- So you? - I know.
- Excellent.
- There you go, milady.
Good.
Now the ladies are seated.
And then you? [MUTTERING.]
- Hilda! - What? We're just minutes away from being deaf.
- Out.
- What happened? I think I see the problem.
I'm not a cross-eyed redhead, and you're not a middle-aged black man.
Now, Hilda's going to pretend to be a salesman.
- Let's review.
- No running.
- Or screaming.
- Right.
Good, good.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hello there.
- Ha, ha! [PIRATES LAUGHING.]
Okay, no.
You don't greet a guest by stabbing them.
- Oops.
- This bumbling-idiot thing, it's really starting to wear thin.
Sabrina, you're home early.
Yeah, it hasn't been a good night.
Sorry.
Mine hasn't exactly been stellar either.
Would you mind? Okay, this once.
If I start leaking bile, mister, someone's getting a time-out.
Meh.
Finally, the last piece.
Now all I have to do is put the whole thing back together, or I could tell Hilda and Zelda the truth and take my punishment like a man.
Where's the hot glue gun? Uhn! What are you doing home in your room? 'N Sync was playing at the Mineshaft, but I couldn't get in, because I'm not completely old enough.
You should get a fake ID.
What kind of person do you think I am? A person who should be out of the house on a Friday night.
Especially out of her room.
You know, the Other Realm has excellent fake ID's.
Really? The Other Realm? - What is this, a fake ID franchise? - Evening.
Fake ID? Two, please.
One for me and my friend Valerie.
- She looks like-- - No problem.
Huh.
These are great.
I especially like my evening gown.
But do you think my hair? [SIREN WAILING.]
Cops! First, I'll get all the edge pieces together.
Let's see Hmm.
A tassel.
Don't toy with me, you saucy minx.
Oh-ho-ho.
Ha-ha.
VALERIE: I can't believe how good these are.
- Where'd you get them? - Oh, the same place.
I just complained to the manager, and they made everything right.
I never think to do things like that.
ID's? They're not fake, if that's what you're thinking.
- Not that you would be thinking-- - She's just very excited.
You know, us being able to vote and everything.
Go in.
Whoo-hoo! - Hey, I'm an organ donor.
- Ha-ha.
Now, there's soda, and there's rum.
Which would you like to drink? Now, remember, you're on parole.
- Oh.
- Exactly.
[BREAKING BOTTLES.]
HILDA: Gentlemen! - Go for the jugular! - Hilda! I am sorry, but they're getting on my nerves.
Come on! Come on! [CROWD CHEERING.]
[SINGING.]
Baby, I don't understand Just why we can't be lovers Things are getting Out of hand Coming to this club was the best idea I've ever had.
- God bless fake ID's.
- Whoo! But, baby, we can win Let it go If you want me, girl Let me know I am down On my knees I can't take it anymore It's tearin' up my heart When I'm with you But when we are apart I feel it too And no matter what I do Nah! It took all evening, but I put the board together.
Man, 18-year-olds have fun.
[HEIRLOOM BREAKING.]
- What was that? - Candy wrappers.
Boy, am I beat.
I'm going to put this away the magical way.
Excellent.
- Hey! SALEM: Huh? Sorry, sweetie, but now that you have an Other Realm fake ID, your magic is also fake.
My magic is fake? Why can't they just outlaw all the illegal stuff? Okay, I'm not gonna panic.
Maybe it's just certain types of magic that are fake.
I'll just put myself over there by the window.
Good.
Okay, now I'm queasy.
Try seeing that with cat food in your stomach.
FAKE SABRINA: Your magic is now just an illusion.
It may look real, but when you examine it closer, you see it's really fake.
Gotta get rid of this thing.
Stupid lamination.
Maybe your aunts can help.
Good idea.
They always get a kick out of "Sabrina defying authority" stories.
- If told with puppets.
- I just have to avoid them until I can figure this all out.
ZELDA: Sabrina! Hurry! - Stupid.
- I just asked: "What do you do when a lady comes in the room?" - He got it wrong.
- Could you help, please? Sure.
[SIGHS.]
- Odd.
- Oh, I think my finger's tired.
Have you tried this? Yow.
- Gotta go.
- I'll just keep this for a while, mister.
Aha.
It says here, "If more than one ID was procured, all must be returned.
" That's the answer.
One a.
m.
Too late to visit Valerie? Not if you don't mind an arrest report on your record.
You're right.
I'll just get it from her first thing tomorrow.
[CLINKING.]
What are these hard pieces in my bed? The broken shards of my future.
- Very nice.
- Ho-ho-ho.
- Fine.
- I'm fine.
Heh.
- Have you been gutting fish again? - Well, just I've gotta go.
Early Bible study.
Could you zap in breakfast before you go? No time.
First prayer's always the best.
- Okay, well, I guess it's Tang again.
- Oh, Tang.
No.
HARVEY: Hey, Sabrina.
My mom liked the changing table I picked out.
- Oh, terrific.
- It's brown.
- Wanna see a picture? - Sure.
Valerie, I need to get that ID back from you.
- My mom has it.
- Why did you give it to her? She found it, but luckily she was lenient.
I'm just not allowed to have any fun ever again.
So would it be a problem to steal it back from her? I know I've said it before, but the pirates being here is all your fault.
Oh, pipe down and help me find the cattle prod.
ZELDA: What is this? - Toast.
Oh, yeah.
You got a message from the Other Realm.
- Got stuck in my sourdough.
- Do you remember what it said? "Your magic is ready to be picked up.
" Give or take a butter stain or two.
- Finally.
- Yes! Now when those barbarians go to kiss us, we can remove their lips.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
We can't just leave the pirates here alone.
- They're sleeping.
- Yes, but for how long? You don't know how hard you hit them with that vase.
SABRINA: I'm home.
[IN UNISON.]
Sabrina.
Dear, would you mind keeping an eye on the pirates while we run to the Other Realm? You can handle them.
- You've got magic.
- But-- They're sleeping in the dining room.
Don't ask.
Okay, I can handle this.
No problem.
I'll just tiptoe so they don't wake up.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello.
Sabrina, my parents are freaking out.
- The ID is talking.
- What? Oh, that's just a security device.
I'm the only one who knows how to turn it off.
- I'll bring it right over.
- Good.
- No! Pirates! - Pirates? I didn't say pirates.
I said, by gum.
By gum, don't come here.
We'll meet halfway.
At school.
What if they wake up? There.
That should hold them.
There.
One crisis averted, one to go.
[IN UNISON.]
Aah! [ALL LAUGHING.]
So our magic is being delivered to our house.
And, as usual, Salem got it wrong.
And as usual the Magic Maintenance Department - was rude about it.
- At least Sabrina's keeping an eye on the pirates.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
I hope that was just fiction about pirates eating cats.
Whoo! Ha-ha.
Oh, not the board.
Anything but the board! Oh! Or the cat.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[MUTTERING, YELLING.]
Shh.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
We got magic.
[CHUCKLING.]
[SALEM SOBS.]
- I love magic.
- Ha-ha-ha! [SOBBING.]
I'm so sorry.
I never should've gotten the talking ID's.
- I saw the lips move.
- Oh.
Hologram.
You know criminals.
They're always a step ahead.
Yeah, but it was yelling at me.
Oh, hey! I think I see your parents.
Aren't you grounded? - I'll crawl back through the sewers.
- Okay.
Two of two ID's do I wield Take them back So my magic will be real Yes.
Pirates! Oh, thank heavens they're still here.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING.]
What do the words "stay home and watch the pirates" mean to you? - Sorry.
I'll free you.
- You can't.
We're magically tied.
- How? The pirates don't-- - The pirates got our magic.
Don't ask.
[RUMBLING.]
- Please, do something to stop them.
- Sure.
You should just know that I only left to help someone in trouble: Me.
[PIRATES LAUGHING, YELLING.]
[EXPLOSIONS.]
Thank goodness I have magic.
Which witch should we kill first? PIRATE 1: Ha-ha! - It's Peter Pan! - You're all codfishes.
- We're doomed.
SABRINA: Oh! A wire? I was flying by wire? It was an illusion? Gotta go.
Ah.
I'll never bat a tassel again.
I sent back both ID's.
Why is my magic still fake? They said you had to return all ID's.
They didn't say that would fix things.
You know, I'm getting a little tired of these technicalities.
ZELDA: Sabrina! - And that! Please let this be good news.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Oh, could be worse.
- Sabrina, there are sharks! - Help! - Okay, this may not be the best time to tell you, but I got a fake ID from the Other Realm - and now my magic is no longer real.
- Just point! Oh! You couldn't have replaced it with pillows? Get up fast.
The tank's gonna come back.
It's just an illusion.
You're fine now.
Get our magic back.
[GRUNTING.]
Why did my magic come back? To get rid of fake magic caused by a fake ID, you have to confess to the adults in charge and accept their punishment.
Get my magic! [SALEM GRUNTS THEN SIGHS.]
[PANTING.]
All I-- All I have to do is get the board down to the basement, and no one will ever know.
What the--? [GRUNTING, SCREAMING.]
What's my punishment? We'll let you know pending our survival.
- Look out! - Aah! [GROWLING.]
Ho-ho! [GRUNTING.]
Thank you.
- Aah! - No, it's going for my magic.
[SALEM SOBS.]
Freeze.
You fought a good fight.
Thanks.
Man, it was tough.
Like a real test, you know? - Almost like a punishment, I'd say.
- And yet, it wasn't.
- No.
We had something else in mind.
- Taking down the boat.
By hand.
[SOBS.]
Ow! I got another splinter.
Why couldn't the pirates have conjured a sanded boat? How ever you decide to handle that wound, do not, I repeat, do not chew your hand off.
I had a cat friend who learned that the hard way.
This seems to be coming along well.
I got a splinter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell it to Child Services.
- What about Valerie? - I told her parents I got the ID's.
Expect a phone call from them berating you.
Well, this whole pirate ordeal started because we were looking for the board you need to decode the family secret.
I see.
So the punishment continues? - Salem! SALEM: I tried so hard.
I'm not a puzzle person.
It's okay.
It's the effort that counts.
Were you drunk? We'll just have to use the other board.
Th--? There's another board? Duh-heh.
Okay, these are my clues to the family secret.
Which relative gave me a picture of fire? SALEM: One of the pirates.
- I'm related to them? It involves a third cousin and a crazy night in Kingston, Jamaica.
You know, with all the clues nicely displayed like that, I still can't begin to figure out the family secret.
Think it has something to do with manure? - Where do you get that? - I just like saying manure.
[PIRATES YELLING.]
- Please? - I've got an idea.
Enjoy the show.
No ID required.
ALL [SINGING.]
: Your love is like a river Peaceful and deep Your soul is like a secret That I never could keep When I look into your eyes I know that it's true God must have spent A little more time on you