That '70s Show s03e15 Episode Script

[Grunts.]
- Oh! - Oh! That's 16 for me and Hyde and four for the losers! You guys ought to get a mascot- a big, green, furry loser! That's- That's not even a thing.
Come on.
Take it to the hoop.
Or maybe you're afraid, 'cause you know I'm gonna slap it down.
Oh, yeah? Well-Yeah? You tell her, Eric! Ooh! Oh! How can he stand the embarrassment? She told you what she was gonna do.
You gotta listen, man.
Eric, why don't you just give me the two points? Save yourself the humiliation.
Well, why don't you just save yourself the two points, and then the humiliation will be- J-Whatever! Come on! Oh, I'm comin', and there's nothin' you can do to stop me.
Eric! Oh, my God! Donna's wearing granny panties! Nice panties, Granny! Oh, come on.
You have to admit, that was some killer "D.
" Oh, no.
Hangin'out Down the street The same old thing We did last week Not a thing to do But talk to you We're all all right We're all all right Hello, Wisconsin.
! Okay, Fez, I got you some Valentine conversation hearts.
- [Giggles.]
- Oh, thank you, Caroline.
"Be mine.
" Okay.
"Sweetheart.
" It really is.
"Kiss me.
" Well, I'm not about to argue with candy.
Fez, is there one in there that says, "Get a room"? No, but here's one that says, "Kiss my brown ass.
" Sorry you had to hear that, Caroline.
It's okay.
She asked for it.
Ooh, I gotta get going.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah.
[Clears Throat.]
Well, well, well.
Look who has a lady.
And to think, I was about to settle for you.
Talk about dodging a bullet.
Hey, hey.
Check out this article in Boys'Life.
"The Square Knot: NotJust For Squares"? No, this one, about being an astronaut.
I think I'm gonna do that.
Michael, I think there's a prerequisite for being an astronaut.
You have to be not dumb.
Uh-uh.
If they can send a monkey into space, they can send me.
I don't know.
Monkeys are pretty smart.
All right.
Fine, fine.
Make fun.
But when you see my shoe prints on the moon, what are you gonna say then? Probably, "Hey, some monkey's wearing Kelso's shoes!" Hey, hey, astro-chimp.
When you come back down to Earth, if your parachute doesn't work you could always use Donna's monstrous panties.
Hey, hey, hey, you guys.
None of that when Donna gets here, okay? I don't need her mad at me on Valentine's Day.
All right, Forman, relax.
Wearing granny panties is a very sensitive issue that I don't find funny, and I refuse to exploit.
Good.
Hey, everybody, look.
It's Granny Panties! - Hyde! - Wha- Oh, sorry, man.
It's in my nature to burn.
Granny Panties understands.
Don't you, Granny Panties? Okay, look.
I didn't have anything else to wear.
It was laundry day.
I didn't know they made a washing machine big enough for those panties.
Hey! Hey, you guys can all just shut up, okay? So she wears big panties.
So what? Donna, look, I am really, really, really sorry.
Eric, I'm fine.
Let's just forget about it.
Really? 'Cause when I saw your sweats around your ankles, I thought I was dead.
- Eric, I said, I'm fine.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You are so cool.
- You- l-You are seriously, like, the coolest girl ever.
- Wow.
Chicks must really dig astronauts, 'cause it says here that astronauts get all the Tang they want.
Oh, Donna is gonna love you making dinner for her.
There's nothing sexier than a man who cooks.
Unless that man is Burt Reynolds.
Then I don't give a darn what he's doing.
He's just sexy! [Laughing.]
Ooh-hoo, Mom has a thing for the Bandit.
[Laughs.]
Ten-four.
[Laughs.]
Go set the table.
Oh, no, no, honey, use the special china.
You don't want to mess up a good thing with everyday dishes.
Okay, but, Mom, it's not like I can mess this up.
I mean, Donna is cool no matter what I do.
Like, earlier, I pulled down her pants in front of everyone in the driveway - and she just stood there- - You did what? No, it was cool.
She just- She said she was fine.
- Oh.
Then I guess she's fine.
- Yeah, 'cause she said she was fine.
Yeah, she wouldn't say she was fine unless she was fine.
Would she? - What are you talking about? - What do you think I'm talking about? I don't know.
Why are you doing this to me? - Doing what? - I don't know! - Well, all I meant was, have a happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh.
[Doorbell Rings.]
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
Although I doubt you will.
Stop it! Hello, Michael.
Hi, Mrs.
Forman.
Is Laurie home? I got a little surprise for her.
Oh, you brought her flowers.
Isn't that just a waste of money.
No she deserves them.
I mean, not many people get me, you know? I'm a complicated guy.
So when everyone starts in on me I just like to be with my girlfriend, 'cause she's nice to me.
- Who are we talking about? - Laurie.
- Laurie Forman? - Yeah, so I just want to tell her that I'm happy we're together on this, our nation's day of love.
Oh, well, how patriotic of you, Michael.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
I wanna be an astronaut.
Oh.
Well, l- I think you'd make a fine spaceman.
Thanks.
You know, I gotta say, I think Laurie gets a lot of her sweetness from you.
Laurie Forman? Bye, Laurie.
Hey, man, what the hell are you doing? What? Oh, yeah.
I should, uh, probably go out through the window.
Oh, would you look at this? [Kiss.]
Ooh, a nice, romantic dinner for two.
Donna's gonna love it.
Why, is she bringing a date? [Chuckles.]
- Red! - I'm sorry, but that's funny.
- Hey, Mr.
And Mrs.
Forman.
- Oh, my.
Look at this vision of lovely.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, this is just like when you two were little, and you-you used to eat pretend supper.
Only now it won't end up with Donna sitting on Eric's head.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
Oh, Red, let's go.
- Kitty, that was just awful.
- I know.
Keep walking.
Wow, I was afraid that was gonna be awkward.
Yeah.
Eric, this looks so great.
Yep.
Shaked, baked and maked especially for you.
And this here is a little somethin' I like to call"a little somethin'.
" You got me a present? That's so sweet.
I didn't get you anything, and you got me panties? What the hell? Yeah, panties! - Get it? - No.
To replace your ugly ones.
Eric, when I said I didn't get it, I meant I didn't like it.
No, see, you forgave me earlier and I figured if I brought it up, we could just, you know, share a laugh.
[Chuckles Weakly.]
Your turn.
You know what? You're the one who doesn't get it.
- Well, maybe you should explain it to me.
- I heard that.
! This is the worst Valentine's Day ever.
[Man Singing Blues Rock.]
It's Donna's fault.
Okay? I didn't make her wear that big, goofy underwear.
I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out with this crowd you gotta know that eventually your pants are gettin' pulled down.
Am I right? I am so glad I did not pull down Caroline's pants.
I mean, if she asked me to, I would because I respect her wishes.
And, also, I am so horny.
Forman, when I told you it'd be funny to give Donna panties I meant it'd be funny to me.
[Chuckles.]
And it was.
This is what happened to my heart when I found out Laurie was cheating on me.
It's lemon.
I mean, how could she do this? [Stammers.]
I really thought we had somethin'.
Probably the same way you did it toJackie.
Only this time it's even funnier, 'cause it's you.
This is a good day.
Tonight, I am going to ask Caroline to go steady with me because that is the last step before you can do it, right? Oh, how I want to do it.
I am so horny.
So Michael cheated on me with Laurie, and Laurie cheated on him.
Hmm! There is a God, and he's on my side.
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
My boyfriend's a giant baby.
"Ooh, underwear is so funny.
Poo-poo, pee-pee, caca.
" You know what'll make you feel better? Let's go make mean jokes at Michael's expense.
How will that make me feel better? 'Cause then I'll feel better, and I can cheer you up.
On what planet did Eric think it was okay to pull down my pants? There are some things that are private, Jackie- for instance, everything under my pants.
I agree.
Keep it to yourself.
Why doesn't Eric understand that when I said, "I'm fine," I meant, I will be fine so long as he kisses my ass for two weeks until I'm actually fine? He's, like, brain damaged.
Look, he's just not a good boyfriend.
You should dump him, and then we can move to Dallas and be weathergirls.
- So, how was your night? - He blew it.
[Chuckles.]
[Flatly.]
Well, what a surprise.
- Wait, you're saying that like it's not a surprise.
- Okay then.
You know, Son, there's a time and a place to pull down a lady's pants.
And a pickup game in our driveway is not one of'em.
Look, Dad, I know it was dumb but Donna said it was fine, and apparently it wasn't fine.
Sit down.
Eric there's a pair of shoes up in your mom's closet.
And one day, I accidently stepped on one of them and scuffed it.
"Don't worry," your mom said.
"Everything's fine.
" But every now and then, she takes them out of the closet and she puts them on, and she does this.
[Mournfully.]
"Ohh.
" Then she takes them off and puts them back in her closet.
Eric, this has been going on for 14 years.
So why doesn't she just get new shoes? [Laughs.]
Oh, Eric you are so young.
You see, women are- What's the word I'm looking for here? Crazy.
Oh.
So, overall, you and Mom are okay.
So Donna and me, we'll be okay, right? No.
I scuffed your mom's shoe.
I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.
So, what are you saying? I'm screwed with Donna? Hey, if it makes you feel any better I'm surprised you lasted this long.
[Man Singing Ballad.]
[Continues.]
- I like popcorn.
Do you like popcorn? - Yes.
- I like candy.
Do you like candy? - [Giggles.]
Yes.
I like soda.
Would you like to go steady with me? - Oh, yes, Fez! - I think I might have tricked you.
You do know we are going steady, right? [Giggles.]
Yes! [Sighs.]
- What a magical night.
- Yes.
I dreamed of this since the moment we met.
- Me too.
- [Sighs.]
You know, this is my favorite movie of all time.
I've seen it, like, 16 times.
That woman keeps calling Clint Eastwood and asking him to play "Misty" for her.
Isn't it romantic? Romantic? But she is following him and bothering him and threatening him.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
If she can't have him, nobody can.
Okay then.
Oh, you're so cute.
I love being your girlfriend.
- If you ever left me, I'd kill you.
- [Laughing.]
[Quavering.]
O- Okay then.
What's up with Eric's head anyway? It's completely out of proportion to that skinny body.
He looks like a Blow Pop.
You know, I bet Michael's gonna want me to feel sorry for him.
But I'm gonna be all, like "Aww.
Bite it, Casanova!" [Knocking.]
- Hey, Jackie, Donna.
- Hey, Michael.
I heard what happened.
- Yeah.
Me and Laurie are done.
- Doesn't Eric look like a Blow Pop? - Uh, yeah, I guess.
- Yeah.
Uh, listen, uh, Jackie, can we go somewhere and talk? No! Look, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Donna.
Well, okay.
Uh, listen what happened with me and Laurie got me thinking.
And what she did was really a betrayal and it hurt so much.
So you want me to feel sorry for you.
- No, don't feel sorry for me.
- Wait, what? No, I deserve this.
After what I did to you? I don't know if you've made the connection, but there are a lot of similarities between what Laurie did to me and what I did to you.
Except you and I were really in love and you trusted me.
Jackie, I let you down, and I'm sorry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you just saying this stuff so I'll give you Valentine sex? 'Cause this is a holy day, Michael and you should be ashamed of yourself.
No.
I just said what I wanted to say, and I don't blame you if you never want to speak to me again.
That's it.
Good-bye.
[Door OPens.]
[Door Closes.]
Jackie, are you okay? Sure.
Great.
I'm just sitting here alone on Valentine's Day.
- Hey, I'm here.
- Yeah, why are you here? You should be with the one you love.
And you love Eric for some reason.
Shut up.
There's a lot of reasons.
He's not a Blow Pop.
He's a sweetie pie.
Then you should be with him.
Look, take it from someone who has loved and lost.
Whatever he did isn't worth being alone on this holiest of days.
Jackie, are you actually thinking about me instead of yourself? Yeah! God, I've had way too much sugar! Look, Eric, we need to talk.
Before, I told you everything was fine when it wasn't.
So, I'm sorry for not letting you know what a colossally insensitive bonehead you are.
Oh, apology accepted.
That's very big of you.
No, I'm serious.
So from now on when you piss me off I will do you the courtesy of blowing up in your face.
Oh, Donna, that's all I ask.
And as for my part, I've realized that somewhere along the way we crossed a line where pulling down your pants in public is really no longer that funny.
And I suppose that point came when - you started letting me pull them down in private.
- Exactly.
So are we good? Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
No.
- Are we good now? - Gettin' there.
- Just- Come on.
Let me put my pants on.
- Nope.
But it's really cold.
And- You know, I'm freezing off parts of my body that I know you've expressed appreciation for.
Eric, for God's sakes, no one wants to see that.
Yeah, now we're good.
[Mournfully.]
Ohh.
- Something wrong, honey? - No.
Everything's fine.