The Cleveland Show s03e15 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Oh, I am making a little cereal milk I'm making me some cereal milk Straining a little cereal Cereal! Junior! Cereal milk! That's odd.
You are my date, Larry.
You follow my lead.
If I get the chicken, you get the chicken.
You don't go rogue and order the lobster! If I'm paying for lobster, I better be getting some! Junior's got a girl on his wall? Junior's got a girl on his wall! Donna! Junior's going through the change! Growing up! Uh, Dad? Let your Daddy get a good look at you.
I'm so proud of you.
And me for raising you.
And now you're growing up and getting ready to set out on your puberctic journey.
Now tell me, who's this PYT you're so sweet on? That's Justin Bieber! Ha! Girl with a guy's name.
I tell you I met a girl named "Guy" when I went pickle shopping last week? Poor dumb girl didn't know the difference between a Sweet Bread and Butter and a German-style Dill.
Dad, Justin Bieber is a guy.
Justin Bieber is?! But, buddy, why would you hang a poster of a dude on your wall? Because he's the biggest star in the entire galaxy! No.
Jupiter is the biggest star in the galaxy.
Read astrology much? Wait a minute.
I know what you're up to.
You're Shawshanking me.
Well, I'm not stup Ah! No tunnel behind there.
Found a stud.
That's it! This is coming down! Wait, Dad! I'll take it down.
If you listen to this song and tell me you don't feel like dancing.
Like baby, baby, baby, oh Aah! That's music for girls! And Usher.
Good day, Junior.
Let's see what's on this dying form of media communication called the radio.
Baby, baby, oh Ugh! It's that Justin Dweeber kid.
Can't turn this off fast enough.
Baby, baby, baby, oh And if you want to know the secret to mind-blowing sex with a middle-aged black woman, just stay tune Ah, stupid song.
Baby, baby, baby, oh Come on, now! And now on Stoolbend's Sports Chat, please welcome a very special guest, baseball Hall of Famer, Johnny Bench.
Cool! My boyhood hero! Glad to be here in Stoolbend.
And if any of my fans want to join me for a free steak dinner tonight, come meet me at Baby, baby, baby, oh Like, baby, baby, baby, oh Baby, baby, baby, oh Baby, baby, baby, oh.
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan.
News flash! Bieber fever have infected Stoolbend! Little boy superstar, he coming to play concert here at Stoolbend Stool Bowl.
All tickets had was already had been sold.
Sold out.
Only prayer will be win ticket thank God by Justin Bieber Dance Competition, which would happen to happen tomorrow after today.
Amen.
Back to you in studio, that's me.
Thanks you, Dwayne.
In other news They're giving away Justin Bieber tickets?! I gotta win 'em! For Junior of course.
Justin Bieber?! The only reason he's famous is from YouPorn.
I mean, Porn Tube.
Porn Hub.
Red Tube.
Bang Bus.
YouTube! I'm lonely.
I'm sorry you're sad.
Well, I've got a competition to win for my son because I love him more than I love Justin Bieber.
I do love Junior.
He's no Justin Bieber, but We don't care, Cleveland.
We've got our own lives going on.
I can't pay my gas bill.
Tell your stories on your show.
Hey, yo! What's up, Stoolbend?! It's your boy, DJ Charlie Chode Rock from your favorite station, And today, I'm up in the place to be with these fly guys and gals, ready to decide who's the ultimate Justin Bieber fan.
And here to kick things off, it's Justin Bieber himself live! Via satellite! What's up, tweens?! It's me, The Biebs, biebing at you live from your junior high school.
Go, football team! Are you people ready for some dancing?! Yeah! I gotta hop.
See you at the big dance! Justin Bieber will not be at your dance, and that wasn't Justin Bieber.
Someday, I'll make you a real boy.
Okay, let's throw on some Bieber and let these ten contestants work it out to the chart-topping single, "Baby"! Baby, baby, baby, oh Like baby, baby, baby, oh Ooh! Baby, baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, oh Like, baby, baby, baby, oh Well, I am, I am at a loss.
It's pretty clear who deserves these Justin Bieber tickets.
The winner of the Squirt 106.
1 dance-off is Cleveland Brown! Who-- based on that dancing-- I have got to officially declare the whitest black man in America! What?! But Wayne Brady's the whitest black man in America.
Not anymore, brother.
MAN On your right is the home of the whitest black man in America.
Damn it! And on your left, Kendra from Hoarders.
I can't find my cat! "Whitest Black Man in America," my foot.
"Whitest Black Man in America," my other foot.
Donna, you don't think I'm the Whitest Black Man in America, do you? No, honey.
What does that even mean? May I take this? It means you were dancing like a little white girl, so you could see a little white boy dance and sing for little white boys, white girls and a rainbow of pedophiles.
I was trying to win those tickets for Junior.
Keep me out of your freak show.
I really do want to go.
Look at you.
You still say things like, "Party over here!" and "Too legit to quit!" Yeah, boy-ee! Gross! You're a joke.
Stop teasing Cleveland who does always make sure to introduce his "one black friend from college" to his "one black friend from work.
" Reggie and Reggie became good friends.
And you are the only black person I've ever seen eat trail mix.
It's barbecue-flavored trail mix.
I feel you, dawg.
Some people have called me the blackest white man in America.
No one calls you that.
Yeah, I don't think most people know you exist.
Cleveland, do you even know the difference between an African man and an African-American man? Of course! I know Tracy Morgan is an African because of his pot belly, droopy National Geographic boobies and flies.
Cleveland, that's a ridiculous stereotype! And nobody is as filthy as Tracy Morgan.
Yeah, and you're always making jokes about Jewish people.
Black folks got enough to deal with.
We ain't got no time to differentiate between types of honkies.
Rallo! Are you trying to get us killed?! That word is every bit as offensive to whites as the you-know-what word is to blacks.
No, it's not.
It's not even close.
But that kind of clueless hypersensitivity to racial matters is classic honky behavior.
Look, Cleveland, we were just joking around.
What difference does it make? It makes a big difference to me! I need to figure this out A-sap What? As soon as possible! No longer will I be judged by the content of my character, but by the color of my skin! For today, Cleveland Brown becomes a black man! Oh, Lord.
Junior, you been eating my trail mix?! Nope, that was me.
My apologies, Cleve Lemon.
I thought I was eating garbage.
My journey of identity begins with a ride on the 6:30 Soul Train! A'ight.
- - Soul Train! You're late.
The Soul Train is always on time.
Hey, I know you, Jack.
You're the whitest black man in America.
Not anymore.
Take me to the blackest place on Earth.
Next stop, Detroit.
Mmm, second-blackest.
Am I black enough for ya? Am I black enough for ya? Am I black enough for ya? Am I black enough for ya? We're gonna move on up one by one We ain't gonna stop till the work is done Am I black enough, black enough for ya? Am I black, black enough f-for ya? We're gonna move on up two by two This whole world is gonna be brand-new Am I black enough for ya? Am I black enough for ya? Get in line Stop marching in time You better make up your mind We're gonna leave you behind.
Yo, Donna! I don't appreciate you sendin' your punk-ass, busta-ass, Jheri curl wearin'-ass friends down here to shoot at me and my homies! Cleveland, why are you quoting box office masterpiece Friday? 'Cause I'm a black man now, and that's what black people do.
Now, Donna, how come you ain't got no pictures of no brothas up on the wall? Cleveland, that is your brother Broderick.
Blowin' by it! Now, it's the hottest day of the year, there's racial tension everywhere, and we ain't patronizing your pizzeria till there's some brothas up on that wall! Isn't that right, supporting actress Rosie Perez? Yeah! Do The Right Thing! Aaaah! Oh, my balled-up papers and toenails.
Oh, Cleveland, being black isn't about this stereotypical nonsense.
It's about being comfortable in your own skin.
You need help.
Well, since black people don't believe in therapy, I'm gonna go think on this while I wash my car in a public park.
Is that even a black stereotype?! I've seen 'em do it.
Oh, maybe I'll find what I'm looking for at church.
What was T-Pain doing here? Thank you for meeting with me, Reverend.
I need guidance.
I don't know who I am.
Cleveland, I can tell your heart is heavy Yes.
You're weary and in need of rest So weary.
Tempted by the lust of flesh Yep! And homosexuality.
Noooooo.
Just a hunch.
Son, I am reminded of Urkel's letter to the Alopecians.
You must trust in the Bruce Almighty, who brought forth the loaves and the fish, and the bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish.
How many pieces do you wish? Reverend, how is this supposed to help me figure out who I am? Don't worry, my son, you can always turn to the Father in your time of need.
My father Thanks, Reverend.
And I'll take some of that bubble gum.
Ooh, as ye Hubba, so shall ye Bubba! Bye! Uhp! Seven years.
Dad, Mom, I have a question for you.
Young man, did you give me my kiss yet? Yam, yam, yam.
Oh, that's better.
You were saying? What happened in my past that makes people say I'm so white? Well, we should probably tell you Cookie! You got nothing to tell him.
You had the loving childhood everyone dreams about, fatass! Now get out of my house! Good-bye, Cleveland.
There's a woman who can answer your questions.
Remember this address.
One-two-three Main Street.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One more time.
One two three Main Street.
Okay.
One-two is like 12, divided by three is four.
Four letters in "rain" which rhymes with "Main.
" Got it.
Why you hugging your momma so long? No reason.
Bye.
One more time.
Cleveland Brown! White lady I've never seen before! I practically raised you, Cleveland.
I'm your Nanny Barbara.
What? Look at you all grown up.
My Cleveland has come back to me.
Party over here! We'll be white black.
Do you still like Arnold Palmers, Cleveland? Well, I do, but only if I have an almond biscotti.
Almond biscotti? What kind of mind wizard are you? Why don't I remember you? Well, you were very young and when your father came back into your mother's life, I wasn't needed anymore.
And you always were a rather thick, unresponsive child, so it doesn't surprise me that you remember so little of those days.
Rhoda.
What? We used to watch Mary Tyler Moore and her funny neighbor Rhoda.
Wait, what was funny about her again? She was Jewish.
Oh my God, I remember! You took me trick-or-treating.
You were Siskel and I was Ebert.
Now you're getting it.
Cleveland, it's time you get back to your roots! Afternoon, Ms.
Barbara.
Why, you're little Master Cleveland, all grown up! You remember me? No.
Good.
Good.
I'm telling you, I don't know how to Whoa.
Love-15.
Where did that come from? Next thing, you'll tell me you don't know how to play bridge.
Overtrick, bitches! Sorry, Elliot, Bunny.
Thank you, Barbara.
You've helped me figure out who I really am.
I want you to meet my family.
They're black.
I heard that! Let's go! Stuff from Trader Joe's! You gave him Barbara's number, didn't you? Family? I know you have a lot of questions.
Now, remember the white woman of a certain age I hustled through the living room into the kitchen "No questions, no questions"? I do.
Family, meet my childhood nanny, Barbara.
Hello, Freight Train.
Hello, Evelyn.
Barbara, how do you do? Ha! I'm just kidding.
I can interact with other human beings of different racial and ethnic backgrounds without losing my own identity.
Is that helpful? Is that helpful to your husband who is trying to figure out who he is? All right, I'll say it.
What the going on here? I'll tell you what's going on.
This woman never did no good for nobody.
What did I tell you? Barbara helped me raise Cleveland when Freight Train went out to get a pack of cigarettes for three and a half years.
You said you was gonna let that go.
Hey, you ever been married? No.
I haven't met the right person.
Ohh Ohh There's a little vanilla on that Cookie.
There it is.
You happy, Tubby?! Humiliate me in front of my step-grandson?! You walking around like the rich guy on Gilligan.
Interesting fact.
None of them got rich because back then, actors didn't get residuals.
Heard that on NPR this morning.
Oh, please.
All this fuss 'cause you got embarrassed that your son liked Justin Bieber.
What? You were embarrassed by me? This is unprecedented.
I'm so upset, I could storm up to my room.
Everybody, calm down! Let's remember what this is all about.
I am finally at peace with who I am.
Until next week, when you go to a P.
F.
Chang's and think you're Chinese 'cause you like fried rice.
Me so offended! Oh, it's not my fault I'm confused.
Look what I came from! Oh, boo-hoo.
"Am I black? Am I white?" You're the same thing you've always been nothing.
Whoa.
Just got real.
You're wrong! I am somebody! I just don't know who! I better go after him.
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am sad to be So troubled and confused 'Bout my identity A white man A black man Are fighting for my heart These two dudes inside me Are tearing me apart Ow Am I more Charles Barkley, or am I Charles In Charge? Am I L.
Ron Hubbard, or am I El DeBarge? Am I more Jay Leno, or am I Jay-Z? Why are there so many dudes inside of me? Ow! Cleveland, you're being ridiculous.
You're so much more than the color of your skin.
You're happy, aren't you? I was.
Be proud of who you are Don't let it get you down Is Cleveland black or white? Who cares? You're Cleveland Brown! Ha, ha, ha Ohhh.
And, by the way, you're black.
You're right, Nanny.
I am a part of all I have met.
And, at the end of the day, I gotta be happy bebing baby ba-bebing Baby, baby, baby Oh, my God! Nanny Barbara, would you be my date to the Justin Bieber concert? Oh heavens, no.
I've got tickets to Young Jeezy and Waka Flocka Flame.
Florence Henderson, everybody! Ladies and gentlemen, mid-pubescent Canadian cyborg, Justin Bieber! Like, baby, baby, baby, oh! Like, baby, baby, baby, no! Like baby, baby, baby, oh!