The Conners (2018) s03e15 Episode Script

1 Make room on the couch.
[Gasps.]
Grandpa! You got us a dog?! [Gasps.]
Oh, my God, finally! Something I can love around here! - What's with all the squealing? - Oh! This is Lollipop, and someone dropped him off at Neville's clinic.
He needs a foster family until they can find him a permanent home, and I said, "Hold on, we're technically a family.
" Well, I think it's great that we're fostering a senior dog, and while we have him, Beverly Rose and I can take him out on long, slow walks in the cool night air.
He's 11, and he can't walk because of seizures, but you can be the one that carries him in and out to do his business.
Mary, you have a doggie! Since when are you the patron saint of abandoned dogs? Since Neville's clinic pays 100 bucks a week to foster animals.
I need the money to pay the mortgage.
[Scoffs.]
Hoarding old dogs is a solid plan or you could just apologize to Ben and go back to work at the hardware store.
Apologize for what? Asking for 25% of a business where I do 70% of the work? You need this job, and I want my boyfriend to come home.
I got enough stress in my life without worrying about what this is doing to our relationship.
I hear what you're saying.
There's not a lot of people who will tolerate you, and you don't want to jeopardize your last shot.
Not only was I not saying that, I'm not too happy that you were saying it.
Okay.
I don't want to make things harder on you.
I'm not going back in but he can still live here.
[Sighs.]
Thank you.
And until you're working again, maybe Becky and I can chip in a little extra money this month.
Hey! Stay out of my pockets.
I'm using the money from my double shifts to pay for some business classes at the community college.
Wait, you're going back to school? That's great! Congratulations, honey.
I figure if I'm ever gonna get out of factory work, I'm gonna need a degree.
Does it have something to do with you pretending to be successful the other night? Yeah.
When I was having dinner with Mikey, I was so impressed by the me I made up for him, I want to be just like her.
3x15 - An Old Dog, New Tricks And A Ticket To Ride Well, I set him down, he bumped into a tree, did his business, and fell asleep in it.
Good thing the dog is blind, so he can't see the looks of pity from the chickens.
You might want to put a sign on that box.
"Dog.
Do not throw away.
" [Door closes.]
Hey, downer! Wow.
You're awfully chipper for someone who worked all night.
I don't know how you're doing it.
I got a goal and so much caffeine in me that I got out at the last stoplight and danced.
A UPS guy got out and danced with me, but then it got weird and I came home.
You're out of your mind.
You know, you gotta sleep, at some point.
I'm going to.
But first, I gotta do some stuff for when Emilio brings Beverly Rose over tonight.
I have a big girls' night planned for just the two of us.
I've been working so much these past few weeks, I barely see her.
Ah, I'm sure she's fine.
Babies can't tell time.
It's either a quarter to hungry or 30 minutes past hungry.
They're actually pretty stupid.
We're gonna do all the things she loves.
I'm gonna warm her up with "Tickle Monster," and then I'm gonna read her "The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
" I play all the parts.
It's pretty compelling.
Yeah, I've seen your caterpillar.
I wasn't transported.
DARLENE: So, I called you over here - [Clears throat.]
- because I have got some good news.
- Oh.
- You don't have to live like a drifter in the back of the hardware store anymore.
My dad said it's okay for you to move back in.
So let's go grab your stuff.
Darlene, I am not moving back into your childhood bedroom.
Oh, come on.
And I-I'll let you take down my Alice in Chains poster and put up some of your Grateful Dead nonsense.
First of all, it's not nonsense.
You're just too uptight to understand them.
And this isn't about your dad kicking me out anymore.
This is about you choosing me for once over your family.
But my dad backed down.
He's not making me choose between you and him.
- Why do you have to? - [Sighs.]
Look, can't we just go back to the way things were until we figure things out? [Chuckling.]
No.
No.
Look, if we are ever going to live together again, it has gotta be in our own place.
But I miss you.
Well, look, I miss you, too.
[Sighs.]
Just don't make me miss you for too long.
I am sorry it's just that saying - the screw is as big as your thumb - [Bell jingles, door opens.]
doesn't really help me out.
- Thanks.
- [Bell jingles.]
[Chuckles.]
Hey, Jackie.
You look swamped.
- Yeah.
- [Laughs.]
I'm a little short-handed since Dan quit.
[Telephone rings.]
- [Clicks, ringing stops.]
- So, what can I do for you? Well, I'm looking for red light bulbs.
I didn't know you were into photography.
Is this for a darkroom? No, actually, uh, Neville is kind of a prude, so I'm just just trying to ease him into the freaky thing.
[Bell jingles.]
Oh, is there somebody here? Yeah, he's in the back.
He'll be Oh, my God, Molly? Molly Tilden, is that you? Do I know you? I'm Darlene Conner's Aunt Jackie from next door! - [Laughs.]
Oh, wow! - [Laughs.]
- Oh, I haven't seen you in years! - [Chuckles.]
What are you doing now? Last I remember, you were working at The Lunch Box.
Still am.
- Oh, are you married? - Nope.
You still have that mom you were always fighting with? Let's cut to the chase.
Nothing's changed.
27 years zippo.
[Laughs.]
- What've you been doing? - Oh, God.
Where Where would I start? Um, I moved away, and I got married a couple times.
- Oh.
- [Both laugh.]
And now I'm, uh I'm I'm taking some time off work back visiting my folks.
Does Darlene know that you're back? We haven't really stayed in touch.
Oh, right.
I forgot about that.
The David thing.
Yeah.
- What do you have against me? - Nothing.
I just feel that we're at that point in our friendship where you should realize that we don't have one.
I mean it.
What did I ever do to you? Is this because David flirts with me? [Scoffs.]
I think you have that backwards.
You're the one always pulling the touchy-feely routine every time he's around.
Look, I was just trying to be nice! Well, he's not used to being treated that way, okay? All right, look, maybe I came on a little strong the other day, but I was mad at you.
Just trust me I'm not interested in David, okay? Yeah, right.
And I'm sure David doesn't like me.
I know that.
I didn't say he liked you.
I said cut the boy-toy crap.
Okay.
[Dog barks in distance.]
So, whatever happened with Darlene and David? I mean, are they still together? Nope, they got divorced.
She's with a real solid guy now.
Real piece of man-candy from what I hear.
[Laughs.]
Molly, this is Ben, Darlene's boyfriend.
Hi.
Do you prefer "Ben" or "Mr.
Candy"? [Laughter.]
Uh, Ben, this is Molly.
She and Darlene went to high school together.
Oh! So, how can I help you? Do you have outdoor speakers? I'm laying out in my folks' yard.
I would like some music.
I've got a few.
Let me show you.
Cool.
It was so good seeing you again.
[High-pitched voice.]
Yeah, okay! [Normal voice.]
Darlene? I'm at the hardware store.
Molly Tilden, back in Lanford, hitting on Ben.
No, the bitch is still adorable.
[Doorbell rings.]
- Hello, Becky.
[Chuckles.]
- Hi, guys! You remember my cousin Lupe? She's been helping me with the baby, so I'm taking her to dinner tonight.
Oh, thank you so much for helping Emilio out with the baby while I've been working.
There's my big girl.
- Come here.
- Mama.
- Oh! - Mama! - What? - [Crying.]
Are you hungry? - Mama! - I got some Go-Gurt in the fridge.
- [Crying continues.]
- Aww, she just ate.
- Oh, okay.
- Mama! She must be overly tired.
She slept on the way over here.
She was driving, so I was concerned.
[Laughing.]
Oh! Hey, hey, it's Mommy.
- [Crying continues.]
- It's Mommy.
Remember me? - Shh.
- Oh.
- It's okay, Beverly Rose.
- [Crying stops.]
Y-Y No, m-my hands must be cold.
Here, come here.
- [Crying.]
- Oh.
Oh, mm.
Oh.
[Crying stops.]
Can you take the baby out for a walk? Sure.
Thank you, Lupe.
[Door closes.]
She doesn't want to be with me.
She's calling Lupe "Mama.
" Eh, let her settle down a little bit, and we'll try again.
It'll be fine.
No, she's too upset.
I don't want to put her through that.
Just take her back to your place.
Are you sure? I got stuff to do.
I gotta take my duvet to the Laundromat.
It's too big for our machine.
Okay.
We'll see you tomorrow.
'Night.
[Door closes.]
[Crying.]
Oh.
Hi, Darlene.
Is Mr.
Tilden playing the TV too loud? He can't hear a thing anymore.
Hi, Mrs.
Tilden.
Uh, no.
- Is Molly home? - Yeah, sure.
Hold on.
Molly! One of your little friends is here to see you.
Uh, I'm 44 years old and I've got kids, - but, yeah, it's fine.
- Hmm.
Hey, Darlene.
[Chuckling.]
This is so cool.
Did your aunt tell you that I saw her today? Yeah, she did.
She also told me you were hitting on my boyfriend.
Are you kidding me? It's been 30 years and you're still an insecure little teenage girl? I don't have time for this.
Wait.
Wait.
So you didn't flirt with him? No, you psycho.
Whatever your aunt saw, that's just how I am with everybody.
I am a people person.
Uh, no.
To be fair, you were always a "having sex with other people's person" person.
I was 14.
Geez, Darlene.
I wouldn't do that.
I've had a couple of husbands who have cheated on me, so I know how that hurts.
All right, yeah.
Sorry.
Um.
Uh, maybe I overreacted.
Okay, let's start again.
How are you, Darlene? Fine, Molly.
Hear you've been married a couple times.
Yeah.
Well, the first one was a mistake, and I repeated it just to make sure.
Yeah, I did it a little differently.
Uh, I took my first mistake and just stretched it out so it was one really long mistake.
[Chuckles.]
I heard.
So, how is it with Ben? Oh, great, actually.
Yeah, couldn't be better.
Well, if it's so great, how come you came charging over here acting all like, "You're stealing my man, Jolene"? Well, you know, even when things are good, stuff can happen.
Come on.
I've made all the mistakes you can make with men.
I've been too clingy.
I've been too independent.
Birthday present threesome, you name it.
[Scoffs.]
Well, uh, Ben was living at the house with me, and he and my dad had got in a fight.
And now he won't come home.
Threesome, huh? For Ben's birthday, I got him a reusable metal straw.
He told me he loved it.
So, are you worried that he's not gonna come back? Um Guess I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed.
I, uh I have a new job, and I've got kids, and my dad needs help, and now I gotta worry about me and Ben.
You don't have to worry.
I realized a while ago that it doesn't change anything.
Well, if I don't worry, then I have to lean on my negative outlook.
Those are really the only two personality traits I have.
When's the last time you had fun? How far am I allowed to go back? [Laughs.]
[Chuckling.]
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get dressed up, we're gonna hit Einen Biergarten, and we're gonna get white-girl wasted.
Yeah, that sounds really good right now, but Yeah, I don't know.
Oh, come on.
Maybe give Ben a reason to worry for once.
All right, now, you're gonna go.
You're gonna put on your best "going out on the town," low-cut flannel shirt, and let's do this.
I do have some Doc Martens that make my butt look really good.
[Laughs.]
TOGETHER: I'm too sexy for this shirt, too sexy for this shirt That's a lot of beer for a little thing like you.
[Laughs.]
Oh, no.
I'm not alone.
I'm here trying to get my depressed girlfriend out of her head.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah? Which one's your friend? Over there.
Love's going to leave me I'm too sexy for my love Too sexy for my love Love's going to leave me And I'm too sexy for this song - Whoo-hoo! - Whoo! Too sexy! I'm too sexy! [Laughs.]
Hey! Look at you! Are we having fun yet?! Yeah, I think I am.
Does it Does it look like I am? Yeah, here! Get up here with me.
Come on, come on, come on.
- [Grunts.]
- Yeah! Now you do! - [Laughter.]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hey, look at us.
We're wearing the same shirt.
Oh, yeah.
It's a man's shirt.
What are you doing wearing it? Can I buy you a giant pretzel? Oh, wow.
A whole pretzel.
You don't even know where this is going.
[Squeals.]
Wow! - What? - [Chuckling.]
You're flirting! - I am? - Yeah.
Oh, I was trying to humiliate him.
Oh, my God, that means I flirt with men all the time.
[Laughs.]
- Thank you so much - [Sighs.]
for getting me out.
I didn't know how badly I needed this.
Well, you're 44 years old.
How much longer are you gonna wait to enjoy your life? - Come on, Eileen - Didn't know it was an option.
- Oh, I swear what he means - [Laughs.]
At this moment, you mean everything - [Cellphone ringing.]
- You in that dress It's Ben.
Just say hi and get rid of him.
Make sure he knows you're having fun.
Hello? Darlene? Uh, who is this? I can't hear you over all the fun I'm having.
It's Ben.
[Laughs.]
Where are you? When are you gonna be home? Oh, you mean, when am I coming home to my home, where you whoever you are no longer want to live? We need to talk.
Well, I'd love to, but I have to tell Eileen to come on.
You know, "too-ra-loo-ra-yay"? All right, sorry, gotta go.
- TOGETHER: Come on, Eileen - Yes! Oh, I swear, what he means At this moment [Instrumental version of "Come On Eileen" plays.]
So what's your story? Somebody remember your birthday, forget your anniversary what? Worse.
It's just Wednesday.
[Laughs.]
I've been there.
As a matter of fact, I'm there right now.
Are you drinking that? Not yet.
Well, now that we're friends, would you mind if I took a pull? [Laughs.]
Sorry.
COVID.
And vodka's just short of the 70% alcohol the CDC recommends to kill the bug.
Lucky for me, got my own cup.
Small load, medium load, or large load? How about a medium load? Anything more than that, I'll want to make love to my husband.
[Chair scrapes.]
You got kids? I'm drinking in a Laundromat.
What do you think? Mine's a baby, and I love her, but I've been working double shifts, and I hardly get to see her.
And when I go back to school, it's only gonna get worse.
That's a tough one.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
If I don't, I'm not able to give her a better life.
[Sighs.]
But I don't want to lose her in the process.
[Voice breaking.]
I feel like I'm drowning.
[Chuckles.]
You know, when I was in high school, I thought I was gonna be running the world.
What did you think you were gonna be doing? [Sighs.]
Drinking.
[Laughs.]
So, that worked out for you.
Congratulations.
- Oh, you know - Aah! I never felt totally safe in this house.
It's about time they got a security guard.
Darlene said you weren't moving back in.
What are you doing here? I came to talk to her, but evidently, she's out on the town living her best life.
[Chuckling.]
What's with the outfit? Oh, I picked up the graveyard shift at the city impound lot.
It's not bad.
There's a pack of pitbulls that do most of the work.
So, you're sitting outside in the freezing cold all night? For what? Huh? Just 'cause I won't give you a part of my business? You don't think I'm worth sharing the profits for all that I bring to the table.
That's insulting, man.
My father gave this to me.
It was important to him, and 25 percent's just too much.
Is there a percent that isn't too much? I mean, I think 10% is a pretty good amount for a guy who was previously a security guard.
Deal.
Well It's - BEN: Hey.
- [Door closes.]
- Hey.
- Oh, somebody had fun.
You're drenched in sweat.
Women don't sweat.
We glow with beer that we can't process through our kidneys.
What are you doing here? Well, I was a little worried by our phone call, and you sounded like you were having fun, so I knew something wasn't right.
No, no, it's actually really right.
Look, I know you're worried about your dad's money problems, but I did something that I think'll help that situation down the road a little bit.
I gave your dad 10% of the business.
[Exhales sharply.]
My God, that's amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Well, I figure in six months, he should make enough money to pay the mortgage without you.
And so, if you don't want to move out with me then, I'm gonna have to assume that you don't want us to have a future.
Okay.
"Okay"? That's it? Let's talk in six months.
I can't keep worrying all the time about what's gonna happen, so I'm taking Molly's advice and I'm going with the flow.
What does that mean? It means I'm gonna go make some toast to soak up this beer.
So why don't you go back to the hardware store, and maybe tomorrow, I will come by and sleep with you.
Well what time tomorrow? When I'm naked in your cot, it will be shortly after that.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ooh, you're up early! Did you have "Come On Eileen" stuck in your head all night, too? No.
Just the look on Ben's face when I told him I wasn't gonna worry about our relationship anymore.
What's this? Open it.
Okay.
A first-class ticket to Hawaii? Mm-hmm.
What do you say? Come with me.
All right, well, what about work? And, I mean, who's gonna watch my kids? You'll miss two days.
And one of the other 50 people who live [Chuckling.]
in this house can watch your kids.
It's so expensive.
No, not for me.
My ex pays my credit card, and I abuse it to get frequent flier miles.
I don't know.
Well, I mean, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii.
Actually, I've always wanted to go anywhere.
Yes! So, let's do it.
Okay, I'm definitely gonna consider it.
- [Chuckles.]
- It would be really fun to see that village where all the settlers got wiped out by that volcano.
I'm gonna have to keep you drunk the whole time.