The Exes (2011) s03e15 Episode Script

Hey, Haskell, would you Would you mind tidying up your workspace? My sister's gonna be here any minute.
Oh, is that today? It completely slipped my mind.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Listen, guys, I really appreciate you letting Nicki stay here while she gets a job, finds her own place.
As you know, starting over after a marriage ends is no picnic.
Yeah, sure, I'm cool with it.
But just know, now that Eden and I are broken up, there might be a few girls coming and going.
Yeah.
Actually, more than a few.
Actually, I might need a velvet rope and a bouncer.
- Okay, all right, all right, understood.
- Understood.
I got it.
- Hi.
- Hey.
and the stinking driver wouldn't even help me with my bags.
You guys on strike? Help me with my bags.
- Ooh, I got it.
I got it, I got it.
- Thank you, Haskell.
I'm Haskell.
Nicki, on behalf of Haskell and Phil and myself, I would like to officially welcome you to your new life All right, what are you, dedicating a bridge? Can't you just give me a kiss and say hello? - Well, I suppose I could.
- No, no, no, no, no, "hello".
It's one word.
Hello.
Mwah.
I'm just sorry that Holly's not here to help you navigate your divorce.
Ugh, what's to navigate? We can divvy up our assets by playing a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Hey, Phil.
- Hey, Nicki.
- Hi, I'm Carol.
Well, Carol's just leaving.
I'll call you, baby.
- Wait, wait.
- Wait, what? What? I want to thank you guys for letting me crash here, so tonight I'm taking you all out for drinks.
- You too, Carol.
- I'd love that.
- Me too.
- Ooh! So I'll see you tonight, baby.
You guys are adorable.
- How long have you been seeing each other? - Longer than I thought.
All right, well, better go get my bags.
Oh, I'll do it.
I'll do it.
- There you go.
- Haskell, she's staying in my bedroom, not yours.
Oh, silly me.
S03E15 Starting Over Hi.
What can I get you, beautiful? - Well, it's about time.
I'll have an - He was talking to me.
I'm Eden.
Hi.
If I had known there was a new, cute bartender, I would have worked on my pouty look.
Well, actually I'm a bartender/actor.
How about we improv a scene where you get me a beer? Coming right up.
You know, if you're interested, I'm appearing in a small production of twelve angry men.
I'd love it if you both came.
- You've got to be - We would love to.
What?! Great.
Drinks are on me.
Well, in that case, huzzah! Hey, I heard Stuart's sister moved in.
What's she like? Eh.
No big deal.
You know, I can take her or leave her.
You know, whatever.
Oh, my God.
You like her.
It's like heaven sent a brash, ballsy angel over the verrazano bridge.
Wow.
Have you told her how you feel? I've told her luggage.
I've told her hairbrush.
I've told the lipstick on her coffee mug.
But her? Not yet.
Hey, Phil, what's up? Don't you 'sup me.
I had Carol out the door until your sister butted in and invited her for drinks tonight.
Well, in her defense, she saw the two of you together and just assumed you weren't a skirt-chasing dog.
Well, she was wrong.
Hang on.
Ah, it's my receptionist.
She's with child.
Hi, Susan.
What's that? Oh, no, no, it's fine.
You take all the time you need.
Okay.
I am so screwed.
What's up? Her doctor put her on bed rest until she delivers.
What am I supposed to do now? I'm out a receptionist.
- What about your sister? - No.
- Why not? - No.
- But she needs a - No! I can't work with my sister.
All right, I was ten years old.
Okay? I had a lemonade stand.
I was having so much fun until Nicki bullied her way in there and poisoned my lemonade with some cheap, sugary mix and swapped out my barbershop quartet mixtape for those headbangers Duran Duran.
- And you let her get away with that? - No.
No, I did not.
In a fit of rage, I ripped off my apron, I marched right up to her, and I had my first asthma attack.
Oh.
Hey, Nicki.
Whatever you do, do not ask me How's the job search? About that.
I handed out my resume to every restaurant in the city and got told to buzz off in 20 different languages.
At least at the Italian place they pinched my ass and gave me a gelato.
- Hey, Phil.
- Oh, hey, Carol.
Hey, who's this cute little guy? Oh, this is my son Austin.
Phil, look, I am so sorry.
Mm.
I know we were supposed to have drinks tonight, but my ex flaked on me, and I have to take him to a party at fun-ville.
Oh, that's a shame.
Have fun, little dude.
I'll call you, baby.
Phil, don't be ridiculous.
We can have drinks any time.
You guys go.
Uncle Phil's gonna take you to fun-ville.
Fun-ville? Fun-ville? We're going to fun-ville! You're choking me! Okay.
You can thank me later.
At least I did one good thing today.
I am dreading going back out there tomorrow and have more doors slammed in my face.
I can't believe there's not one job in this entire city.
Yes, it's pretty rough out there.
I mean, I haven't looked for work in 20 years.
I forgot how hard it is.
The worst part about it is just the rejection, you know.
It makes me feel so small and worthless.
I might have a job for you.
What's that? I might I might have a job.
- Speak up.
- I have a job for you.
My receptionist is on bed rest.
You can take her place.
Oh, my God.
You saved my life.
Thank you so much.
When were you gonna tell me? Paging Dr.
Stuart Gardner.
Is there a dentist in the house? Hi, Nicki.
Hi.
Come on in.
Look at you with the fancy schmancy office.
I do my best to create a relaxing ambience.
So I'm guessing the screaming and spitting goes on back there? Actually, with the innovations in modern dentistry, it's become a relatively pain-free experience.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
My guy in Staten Island recommends showing up drunk.
Anyhoo, why don't we get you a smock? Why? What's wrong with what I'm wearing? Well, for one thing, my name isn't Dr.
Hooters.
Oh, no! That is so not happening.
Why not? It's what my receptionist always wears.
Then I don't know how the hell she got knocked up.
Oh, don't make the face.
Oh, my God, you're such a baby.
Okay, I'll wear it, I'll wear it.
Thank you.
Now perhaps we should go over your responsibilities.
Stuart, I managed a I think I can manage a one-chair dental office.
Please do not worry.
I'm gonna do a good job.
I know you will.
Glad to see you kicked that OCD.
Is the actor/bartender here? - No.
- Thank God.
Haskell, I'm so sorry I dragged you to that awful play last night.
Well, he failed to mention it was reconceived as twelve angry naked men.
He was so bad.
He ruined theater and penises for me.
- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, baby.
Mwah.
- That was fun last night.
- Yeah.
Although I had to keep Austin home from school today.
I think he picked up some kind of rash from that ball pit.
Really? Anyway, look, Carol, here's the deal.
I like you.
And we have fun together.
- But there comes a time in a man's - Excuse me.
One second.
Hello.
What? - Oh, my God.
The hospital? - Oh, no.
Is it Austin? How bad's that rash? I'm on my way.
It's my Nana.
They had to rush her to the hospital.
It doesn't look good.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope she pulls through.
I'll call you, baby.
Phil, can you come with me? What? I just don't think that I can face this alone.
I mean, the thought of losing Nana It's just too much.
All right.
Let's go see Nana.
Oh, thanks, and to think I might never have seen you again if it wasn't for Stuart's sister.
- What's her name? - Nicki.
Um What are all these people doing here? Um, waiting to see a dentist.
I only had four appointments booked this afternoon.
And now you have 11.
These aren't even my patients.
They are now that you're offering You put me on groupon? You're welcome.
Why don't you just stick my face on a bus bench? Already in the works.
Nicki, I am not a discount dentist.
Yeah, no kidding.
I see what you charge for a crown.
Oh, good, the t-shirts I had made.
Thank you.
Could you can hold that, miss.
Thank you.
What? This you're gonna love.
Huh? "I got drilled by Dr.
Stuart Gardner"? Isn't this cute? Nicki, I don't even know where to begin.
It's tacky, it's vulgar, it's classless.
Who doesn't love a free t-shirt? We used to give 'em away all the time at the Olive Garden.
This is not the Olive Garden.
It's a well-respected, top-rated medical practice.
Where are you going? To the pharmacy.
To get an inhaler.
I didn't know you still had asthma attacks.
Well, I haven't since you destroyed our lemonade stand.
We had a lemonade stand? Whoa.
I got here as soon as I could.
How's Nana? She's resting.
We're waiting to talk to the doctor.
Okay.
- Oh, Phil.
- Yeah? This is my brother James, his wife Cheryl, their kids Lisa and James Jr.
, my Uncle Wendell, his wife Lucille, and my cousins Rachel, Ronnie, and Lonnie.
Thanks for coming, bro.
No problem.
You be strong.
- Yeah.
- Oh, good.
That's the doctor.
- Who's there? - Oh! Hey.
Sorry.
I'm Phil.
I'm a friend of Carol's.
So you're the young man dating my baby.
Come closer.
Closer? Listen to me, young man, I may not have much time left.
Please don't say that.
You're gonna be fine.
You're sweet, but I know what's what, and I could make peace with it if I If what? What? If I knew my little girl was with a good man.
You're a good man, aren't you, Phil? Then promise me you'll take care of my little girl.
Promise me, Phil.
Oh! - Promise me.
- Okay, I promise.
I promise, Nana.
And you'll be a good daddy to that little boy? I'm gonna raise that boy like he was my own.
Thank you.
I won't let you down, Nana.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Pretty rough first day, huh? Uh, I'd say.
Nicki, look, if we're gonna work together, some things have got to change.
Oh, I couldn't agree with you more.
Good, good.
You have got to lighten up, Stu.
Wait, wait, me? I'm the problem? Yes, if you weren't so stuck in your ways, maybe you'd have a bigger practice.
My practice is fine just the way it is.
You are so stubborn! God forbid anybody try to help you! Oh, hello, who asked you to help? No one.
But you stick your nose in anyway, 'cause that's just what you always do.
- Oh, is that what I always do? - Yes.
Really? Guess what.
You know what? -I quit.
- No, you, no, you can't quit.
I can't quit? Why not? Because you're fired, you're fired, you are so freakin' fired.
- You can't fire me.
I quit.
- I just fired you.
Oh, my God, I don't know what I was thinking.
Moving to the city, living with you? I'm out of here.
I'm going home.
- Good.
Good.
Go.
- I am going.
And by the way, I do remember that lemonade stand.
What ten-year-old wants to hear you croon, "Hello, my coney island baby" - Kids were lining up around the block.
- To beat the crap out of you.
- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, Phil.
I talked to my Nana, and she told me what you said.
I want you to know that I'm a man of my word.
Are you out of your mind? We went out a few times, and you're promising my Nana that you'll marry me? She took my hand.
I mean, she was headed toward the light.
Phil, look, I was just trying to have some fun.
But you're way too clingy.
Just make sure you tell your Nana I was ready to marry you, girl! Hey, baby.
Hey, Haskell.
- Hey.
- What's up? Aw, Stuart fired Nicki, and now, without a job or a place to live, she's gonna move back to staten island and be out of my life forever.
I'm sorry.
Hey, she missed out on a great guy.
Eh.
Oh, great, here comes our actor/bartender, Leonardo Di-crap-io.
Hey, guys, you're not gonna believe it.
A friend of mine just moved out to L.
A.
, and he already landed a series.
And he has half the talent that I do.
Is that possible? I know.
Right? I'm so tempted to quit my job, sublet my apartment, and head out there.
Be right there.
Be right there.
Be right there.
That's it.
Can you believe that stiff? That stiff may be the answer to my prayers.
I saw on Nicki's resume that she was a bartender.
If he leaves and she takes his job, she could stay in my life.
All we have to do is fill his head with dreams of stardom.
Well, that might take a while.
There's a lot of empty space to fill.
Uh, so, Steve, about L.
A Oh, I don't know.
It's a pipe dream.
I don't even know if I have what it takes.
You selfish bastard.
Huh? How dare you hide behind that bar when you have a gift, a gift that should be shared with the world, right, Eden? When we saw you onstage last night, we were dumbfounded.
I was pretty good, wasn't I? Good! Good! Was Brando merely good in Streetcar? Was Olivier good in Hamlet? Oh, I don't know.
Who are those guys? Hacks.
Hacks compared to you.
Now take off that apron, tear up my bar tab, and go Chase your dreams.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
That's it.
Hey, here comes Nicki.
Okay, Haskell, now's your chance.
Tell her that you found her a job, and you'll be her hero.
- Oh, all right.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Just wanted to come down - for a good-bye drink.
- Yeah.
- Haskell.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, uh, Nicki, as you know I'm Haskell.
- Uhuh.
- And and and sometimes in life things just work out.
I did it.
I quit.
Now all I have to do is find a replacement bartender.
Bartender? I bartended for years.
- Really? - Yes.
Come on.
Throw one at me.
Kamikaze.
Vodka, triple sec, lime juice.
Come on.
I was making those in the girl scouts.
Um, zombie.
Zombie pineapple juice, orange juice, apricot Brandy, sugar, light rum, dark rum, lime juice.
- Really? - Mmhmm.
Wow, I've been doing it all wrong.
You're in.
Oh, my Really? I'll go call the boss right now.
You're my hero.
Mwah.
Oh, by any chance, you wouldn't happen to need an apartment? Oh, my God, I love you! Haskell, is this great? I got a job.
Yeah.
- Hey, Phil.
- Hey.
You know, thanks to your sister, I almost married a one-night stand.
Well, look, you'll be relieved to know that Nicki's leaving.
I love my sister, but Manhattan isn't big enough for the two of us.
- Hey, Stuart.
- Nicki, hey, I just want to say that no one is more disappointed than I am that you're leaving.
Cheer up, sad sack.
I'm not going anywhere.
- What? - That's right.
I got a job right here.
You are looking at your new bartender.
- No.
- Yes! No! Isn't this great? We're gonna be around each other all the time.
All right, all right, before you start hyperventilating, I thought about what you said, and you're not completely wrong.
Sometimes I can be bossy and controlling.
And I want you to know that I'm gonna work on it, okay? - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
All right, so drinks are on me.
What can I get you? I will have an extra Frothy Peach Margarita.
You're getting a beer.