The Last Man On Earth (2015) s03e15 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth Has he said anything at all? - CAROL: Not yet.
- We have to call him something.
Uh, Jasper, Jasper! I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I mean, I'm bending over backwards for this kid.
Pulling out all the stops.
MELISSA: Carol, you're pregnant.
What are you up to? Uh, just going to give Melissa her medication.
Apparently, it takes a few weeks to see results.
(buzzing) What's with all the amps? Shh! (whispering): I'm trying to listen.
- Listen to what? - Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh! Listen to Jasper.
What's that? I slapped one of these bad boys on him.
Oh, you got to see him, he looks just like Britney Spears, and that's a major compliment 'cause I always found her very attractive.
I mean, not that I'm attracted to Jasper.
Okay, this is all coming out very wrong.
So you're spying on him.
I mean, he still hasn't talked, so I'm just trying to figure out if he talks when we're not around.
MAN: Do you have something broken in here? Oh, my God, oh, my God! 'Cause I'm a repairman.
- Deep baritone on that kid.
- MAN: Let me bring out my tool.
- Tandy, I don't think that's Ja - (shushes) Where exactly is the problem? WOMAN: Right in here.
Wait, who's that woman? (funky music plays) What the hell? Oh, no, Jasper, that's not for you.
Tandy, Jasper got into your self-pleasuring library.
Oh Ah, yeah, no, I know this one very well, yeah.
The repairman is there to fix a clogged pipe, and then gets sidetracked and, you know, winds up doing some sexual stuff with his customer.
- Tandy! - Aah! Oh, sorry, you're right, spoiler.
(stammering): Uh, no, uh, Jasper, this is for adults.
You understand? (funky music resumes) (crickets chirping) Hey, bud.
(chuckles) Looking at the stars, huh? Look at that.
Did you see that? A shooting star.
That means that you get to make a wish.
You know what my wish is? That I could take back those things you saw in that sensual video.
Now, I can't do that, but I can make this a teachable moment.
Follow me.
Take a frog.
What we're doing now is having what's called "the birds and the bees" talk.
Okay? So, why birds and bees? Well, 'cause they're famously known as the horniest of the flight animals.
You following me so far? Okay, well, here's where it gets a little funky and a little cool.
So the bird takes his, uh, "mm" and, uh, uh, puts it in the bee's "hmm.
" Know what I'm saying? Yeah.
And so anyway, they just keep them in there and they just move them around, uh, for what's usually a very, very short period of time.
Right? And, uh, that's the birds and bees talk.
Yeah.
(chuckles) God, thought it'd be harder than that.
Well but, hey, that's what the bee said.
(laughs) Boom.
Melissa, would you mind wandering around like a zombie somewhere else, please? Yeah, Jasper and I are having the, uh talk.
Hey, don't be scared, she's not a zombie.
Oh, you probably don't even know what a zombie is.
Well you know when someone dies? Well, a zombie is a corpse that comes back to life.
And they're terrifying.
I mean, they have an insatiable appetite for human flesh, and they just keep coming after you and after you, till they get you And they're so fast.
(chuckles) - Oh, my God.
- TODD: Oh, there you are, hon.
Cannibals are - Melissa - Todd? - Huh? - Could you please get Melissa out of here? She's really freaking Jasper out.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Here, hon, it's time for your medication.
She's kind of in a foggy stage.
I've been having to guess on her dosage.
I'm not exactly sure how much to give her, so Less maybe? Yeah.
But maybe more, though.
That's kind of where I'm at.
Hey, bud.
Come on.
Oh.
(chuckles) GAIL: Aw, look at this.
He is a great little artist.
I thought it was important he have all his stuff here.
Make him feel more comfortable.
Whoa, baby bump alert.
Yeah.
Looks more like a beer belly alert.
GAIL: Hush.
You look fantastic.
Baby bump, huh? Yeah, it's crazy.
I actually popped a button on my pants yesterday.
Ah! (laughs) Funny, this button-popping story.
I don't recall you wearing pants yesterday Well, that's 'cause I popped a button on them.
Uh-huh.
Can I see these pants? Carol, what do you want with her mother-grabbin' pants? She just told this intense story of a button blasting off the front of her jeans, even though her belly pretty much looks the same to me.
So I'm just wondering where these magical, button-popping pants are? Are they in Al Capone's vault, or talking to a Sasquatch and a yeti at the bottom of the Loch Ness lake? (laughs) I can show you the pants, Carol.
It's fine, I don't want to see them.
But, yeah, happy for you.
And your bump.
Oh, boy.
I'm starting to wonder if he's ever gonna talk.
Maybe it's neurological.
GAIL: No, I know he understands us.
I've seen him roll his eyes at Tandy enough times to know that.
Yeah, the eye roll is a classic sign of respect.
I just don't understand not talking.
Whenever I have the urge to not talk, I talk about it.
Witness.
I mean, I totally get it.
I mean, think about what he's been through.
You know, his parents died, he's been on his own since he was like four or five.
I know, he's been robbed of his whole childhood.
Missed all those birthdays, all those Christmases, all those Halloweens.
He was so young when the virus hit, I mean, he might not even know what any of those holidays are.
Poor little guy.
I have an idea.
Why don't we throw a big party for Jasper? Like a birthday party? Oh, I'm talking birthday, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Kwanzaa, Flag Day, Toyotathon, like, every joyous occasion you've ever had just rolled into one festive smorgasbord.
That's a great idea.
We give him a chance to be a friggin' kid for once.
I love it.
You guys, you know, I think this'll be really good for Melissa too.
TODD: Hey! No, no.
No, no, no.
No, those don't go in there, hon.
Those don't go in there.
It's okay, they just don't go in there.
ERICA: Okay.
Let's start planning.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hey, bud, can I talk to you for a sec? Sure, yeah, what's up, bud? Well, it's about the party.
You know, I think it might be best if Melissa sits this one out.
She's doing way better.
I mean, she doesn't need her drool towel anymore.
You know, stools are way less tarry.
Aren't they, Melissa? Hmm? Your stools.
- Yep.
- Yeah, see? Real happy to hear those are firming up for her, but this party's about Jasper, and I just don't think he's feeling very comfortable around her right now.
Oh, so hide the weirdo, huh? - Is that what you're saying? - Exactly.
You know what? Just, uh, enjoy planning your party.
I'll just go tell Melissa she can go to hell.
Oh, thanks, bud.
(chuckles) Ridiculous.
Oh, hey, don't worry about her, she's not gonna hurt you.
Here, come on down from there.
Hey, what's going on? Jasper's petrified of Melissa.
Yeah uh, I got this, don't worry about it.
Hey, bud, don't be afraid of her, okay? She's just playing make-believe.
Uh, she's rehearsing for the title role in a stage production of The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
Oh, come on, Tandy.
Oh, that isn't cool, yeah, he doesn't know what an exorcism is.
An exorcism is when a demon takes over a person's body and just makes them do terrible things.
Okay, I got to say something here.
I think it's wrong to keep Jasper away from Melissa.
How is he ever gonna get comfortable around her if you won't let him get to know her? I will.
Look, right now, he just needs to get over that comfort hump, then we can totally throw Melissa into the mix.
All right, okay.
Okay, bye, Todd.
Bye, Emily Rose.
Uh, sorry, Melissa.
Jasper? Ah, man.
Jasper? Ridiculous.
CAROL: There it is, there it is.
GAIL: All right.
Ah, shoot, I left my gun in the car.
Be right back.
Oh, geez.
What's this down here again? (chuckles) Lost a few buttons down there, I see.
You think? (chuckles) Ever since you mentioned your button popping off, it's been crazy.
Lost 16 yesterday.
Ah, you're really having a time there.
Tell me about it.
It's like a sharknado but with buttons.
Yeah, you be careful.
Aw, what can I say? It's the life we've chosen.
- Preggers can't be choosers.
- Yeah.
- Ooh, whoa.
- Whoa! Couldn't find my gun, so I used the car.
Well, you just saw.
ERICA: Oh, this is great.
CAROL: Yeah.
TODD: How's this place for a picnic? Okay, let's see what we have here.
Hey, this isn't what I packed.
This basket is filled with toys and treats.
Melissa, did you empty this basket and fill it with toys and treats for Jasper? No.
(laughs) I'm not mad.
You have a fun-loving spirit.
You're accessible.
Hey, Jasper! You want some of these toys and treats that Melissa brought for you? Well, they're over here if you change your mind.
Oh, my God! A water gun? I'm gonna get you.
(laughs) Well, well, well.
What's going on here? I I was just, uh, having a picnic with Melissa.
Oh, that's weird.
Don't think I ever remember you having a picnic before.
No, yeah, I have picnics all the time.
Oh, you do? All the time? All the time, having picnics all the time.
(chuckles) Why don't you name 20 picnics you've had before.
Come on.
Now.
Uh, t-t-today.
Okay? Yeah, that's one.
One picnic.
In-in Malibu.
I had one on the beach.
That's two.
18 more, come on.
- Uh, uh - Come on! Name 18 more picnics, Todd! Now! I can't think of any! Okay? No, you can't.
'Cause you're lying about your affinity for picnics, Todd, aren't you? Well, excuse me for trying to establish a connection between Jasper and Melissa.
You're not excused.
I just know that once he gets to know her, he'll see how awesome she is.
Oh, so that makes it okay to lie about a friggin' picnic! Well, I'm not the only one who's lying, am I? That's different and you know it.
I'm just trying to protect my son and give him the nice, - safe party that he deserves.
- TODD: Yeah, well, you know what, don't worry because Melissa and I won't be at your stupid party.
Todd, look, it's okay if you come.
Oh, really? What day is it again? - Oh, it's tonight.
- I'm busy.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
You having fun, Jasper? (air horn blows) Ho-ho-ho, gobble-gobble, Shabbat shalom, boo! I'm Rabbi-Jack-O-Thanks-Bunny-Claus.
(giggles) And I'm Lady Liberty-Patrick-Cupid-Claus.
And tonight's your night, bro.
Behold! ("Get Ready for This" playing) Y'all ready for this? Jasper, welcome to a taste of every major holiday rolled into one magical experience.
Over the next four days Four days? We are going to overwhelm the pleasure centers of your brain, tantalizing you with one magical holiday after another, and pushing you to your celebratory brink.
Four freakin' days? Let's get started.
We thought we'd ease you in with a little gateway holiday.
Y'all ready for Arbor Day? Da-na-na Dun-dun, dun-dun-na, dun-na Dun-dun, dun-dun Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Pine! Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Conifer! Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Spruce! Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Deciduous! Arbor Day! (both laugh) Hitting off licks in the bando Black X6, Phantom White X6, look like a panda Goin' out like I'm Montana Hundred killers, hundred hammers Black X6, Phantom White X6, panda - Pockets swole, Danny - (laughter and cheering) Ridiculous.
Man, I'm the macho like Randy The chopper go Oscar for Grammy Pull up ya panty Hope you killers understand me Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Fireworks! Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Hot dogs! Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Separation of Powers.
Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Tandy.
And the home Of the Brave.
(whispering): Yes.
And that's the Fourth of July.
Now if you'll just hop over here spoiler.
'Cause there's more! And here to take you through this one is someone very special.
Um, someone very special.
(chuckles) Gail! Hey, I was putting on my friggin' ears.
Oh, my God.
It's the Easter Bunny.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny.
Nibble, nibble.
Easter Bunny, don't you have anything else to say? Nibble.
Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Egg hunts! Dun-da-dun, da-dun, dun-na Resurrection! Hey, we're trying to watch a movie in here! SEAN PENN (over TV): To be free! (volume increases) In the Declaration of Independence, it is written: all men are created equal and endowed with certain inalienable rights! That is where America is! Love it or leave it! You better love it or you better leave it.
You take this stick and you hit it, and candy flies out of it.
Okay.
You're good to go for Mardi Gras.
All right.
When in doubt, just douse him with beads.
Okay, thanks.
What do you have next? Labor Day.
Oh, that's kind of a tough one.
Why would you say that? I mean, there's just not much going on there.
Yeah.
You and Gail have made that abundantly clear.
Excuse me? What would me and my flat belly know about Labor Day, right? Meanwhile you're over there laughing it up on Fat Tuesday with your pulchritudinous belly bump.
Carol, I got pregnant a few weeks before you.
How can you be jealous that my baby bump came first? I'm not jealous that your baby bump came first.
Then what the hell's your problem? I'm jealous that your baby bump came at all.
Oh.
I'm just really scared.
I mean, what if my bump never comes? I haven't had any pregnancy symptoms.
What if the test was off? What if something's really wrong? Oh, Carol, you're fine.
But you don't really know that for sure, do you? So the homeowner then opens the door, he sees the bag burning, he stomps on it, and his foot gets just covered in dog poop.
Now, since all dogs are dead now, instead of dog poop, I used my own.
TODD (slurring): Trick or treat! Smell my feet, give us something good to eat! (whoops) (laughs) What are you doing here? Melissa and I, we're, we're trick-or-treating, bud.
We're dressed like two nice people who belong at parties! Look, I thought we talked about this, bud.
You know what? I've met guys like you before.
Mr.
, uh, Velvet Rope.
Mr.
Party.
With your little clipboard looking down, "Let's see, are you on the guest list?" You know how many clubs I stood outside of 'cause I wasn't on the list? Barrage, Mosaic, Jericho, Rain, uh, JP Looneys, Charlie Fitzwhiskey's.
All of the hot Baltimore clubs.
They all spat in my face.
That's cool.
'Cause I'll tell you what, bud.
I refuse to let you or anybody else keep me outside of your phony velvet rope.
(chuckles) Hey, Jasper, you remember how I said that Melissa was rehearsing for a role? Well, Todd is helping her out by playing an over-the-top, drunken buffoon.
Oh, come on, Tandy, stop it with the lies, okay? This kid Jasper, you deserve the truth.
Melissa's sick.
That's the truth.
And I'm legitimately drunk, bud Todd.
None of this is real.
Everybody knows it.
Everybody.
Oh, that's it.
Get the hell out of here.
You make me.
You make me get out.
Oh, you want to go? I thought you'd never ask.
Oh, so you do want to go? I'd love to go.
The question is: do you want to go? I was the one who proposed it, Todd.
You want to go? I just freaking confirmed it.
I do want to go.
Then let's go outside and go.
Then let's go, go.
Let's go! Are they gonna go? I think they went.
- Come on! - Oh, I'm coming on! - Bring it bud.
- Yeah, I will bring it! How about right here? Not afraid of you! - CAROL: Stop it! - Push me a-frigging-gain.
Tandy, stop it! No, I can't do that, Carol.
I made a verbal commitment to do this.
Then you stop it, Todd.
I'm part of that commitment, Erica! You both should be committed.
This guy ruined a kid's party! And probably his life.
You're a bigot! - Or am I a hero? - Y'all fight like a couple of straight-up chumps.
Hey, Tandy, soup's on.
Huh? Tonight's special: cream of your face.
Oh, really? 'Cause I heard it was Todd-mato soup! Burn.
That sucked, dude.
- Oh, take that back.
- Make me! You don't want to know what's gonna happen - If you don't take that back right now! - Come on! Let me see! - Take it back! - I want to see! Come on! (screams) (shouts) Stop it! (screaming) Party's over! Say good night, bud! No! No! Stop this insanity! (siren whooping) What the hell? (whooping continues) Oh, my God.
(Jasper and Melissa laughing) Todd, he's laughing.
Yeah.
Look at 'em.
(laughter continues) It's been a while since I've seen her smile.
I'm sorry, bud.
Guess I over-cranked a little bit.
I totally get it.
You were just trying to protect Jasper.
I'm sorry for busting up your party.
I guess whiskey and Milk don't mix.
You're drinking whiskey and milk? No, I drank whiskey and watched the movie Milk.
Ah.
Hey, get in here, ya friggin' fartface.
(chuckling) - What were we doing? - I don't know.
Look, it's a shooting star.
Oh, it's a big one.
ERICA: Wow.
Make a wish, dummies.
(crickets chirping)