The Muppet Show (1976) s03e15 Episode Script
Lesley Ann Warren
Lesley Ann Warren, 20 seconds to curtain, Miss Warren.
OK, thank you.
Thank you, Scooter.
Good luck to both of you.
Good luck to both of us? Oh, don't wish us good luck.
We got talent.
- Oh! We've got drive.
We've got charisma.
So don't wish us no lousy, stinking, rotten luck.
Ahh! Wish me luck.
Aww! It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Lesley Ann Warren.
Yeah! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Thank you all and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
We hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people.
Uh, uh Anyhow, tonight we've got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous knife throwing act, Lesley and Warren.
Uh, but first - Kermit! What is it, Scooter? - Only one of them showed up.
What? How can you have a knife throwing act with only one person? I don't know.
Maybe he had an accident on the last gig.
Uh, well, as I was saying, we have a really terrific show tonight with our very special guest star, Lesley andlor Warren.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you? - I am your guest star.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Lesley Ann Warren! Yeah! Wait a minute.
You're not Lesley and Warren.
You're Lesley Ann Warren, the actress, the dancer, the singer.
Thank you.
So, how come you're doing a dumb knife throwing act? Kermit, I thought you were the one person on this show who wasn't crazy.
Me not crazy? I hired the others.
But just come backstage and we'll sort this whole thing out.
In the meanwhilst, I'll leave you in the company of the Great Gonzo.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This evening I will perform a feat of lunatic daring.
Before your very eyes I will ride this motorcycle up this ramp and jump directly into that box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
What? Oh, I can assure you, you'll be in no danger.
You're right.
- We'll be in Chicago.
For their own safety, while they were dozing, I took the precaution of chaining them to their chairs.
What? Help! Help! On my mark get set, go! Uh-oh! Hooray! - Bravo! Wonderful! Encore! - Loved it! Oh, boy.
First I accidentally introduce Lesley Ann Warren as a knife throwing act, and then Gonzo does that.
We are off to a crummy start.
Oh, it's gonna be a great act, Kermit.
But something is wrong with my bike.
Gonzo.
If I advance the spark Wha-ha! Turn left! Turn left! I'm sorry about that confusion before, folks.
It is time to bring out our very special guest star Well, here we are.
- Ready to go on.
What are you two doing out here? - We're the very special guest stars.
Right.
Lesley and Warren, the dancing cucumbers.
See? He's Lesley and I'm Warren.
Yeah, but our special guest star is a big TV star that sings and dances and acts and does comedy.
Yeah, but can she make salad? - You two get out of here! Uh, uh, uh Ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren.
An interpretation of Beauty and the Beast by Ms.
Lesley Ann Warren.
How do they do that? Do what? Kermit? Kermit, Kermit, hey.
I've got a message for you from Gonzo.
Uh-oh.
What's the bad news? No, it's good news, yeah.
Gonzo has half of his motorcycle jump perfected.
Which half? - The take-off.
What about the landing? The landing still needs work.
And now, Pigs in Space.
When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was about to pass through a shower of mysterious dummo rays.
Dr.
Strangepork, are dummo rays dangerous? Well, not really, Link.
They only affect creatures of very low intelligence.
Miss Piggy, maybe you better lock yourself in a closet till we pass through them.
Humph! Tres amusant, mon capitain! Humph! - Uh We should be starting through them now.
Oh, no! - Yes, there they are.
Oh, no! - Oh, oh, oh! That's it.
We're through them.
Ah.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Well, I told you.
You really have to be stupid to be affected by dummo rays.
Link? Oh, no! Sooey! Does that mean? Yes.
But the effect is only temporary, so don't panic.
Panic? Are you kidding? This is the chance of a lifetime.
I am taking over.
Move it, fatso.
But Miss Piggy Ha ha! Captain Piggy! Hang on, Strangepork, you're going for the ride of your life.
Whoo-hoo! But Captain Piggy, Link will be coming out of it in about ten seconds.
Ten seconds? Oh, rats.
Oh, oh - I must warn you, Captain, dummo rays have one side effect.
The victim becomes a tap dancer.
A what? I don't believe this.
Where did he get those shoes? Go, Link.
Yeah! That's a good step.
Yeah, a good step.
Tune in next week and we'll try to have an explanation for this week's Pigs in Space.
# Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear # And he shows them pearly white # Just a jackknife # Has MacHeath, dear # And he keeps it out of sight Stop, stop, stop, stop! This is an appalling song of gore and violence.
Maybe you just don't understand it, Sam.
It contains a lot of slang.
- Hmm.
"A shark has pearly teeth, dear" is slang? Sure.
"Shark" is a term for "man" and everybody knows that "teeth" is slang for "money.
" Well, uh What about the jackknife here, huh? Uh Cockney rhyming slang.
What? - Jackknife wife.
Well, all right, all right, but "when the shark bites with his teeth, dear, scarlet billows start to spread," hmm? Hmm? Hmm? - You see, biting obviously means buying something.
Scarlet billows sofa pillows! So, the song, then, is about a man who has a wife for whom he buys - pillows.
- Exactly.
# On the sidewalk # Sunday morning # Lies a body # Oozing life # Someone's sneaking # 'Round the corner # Is that someone # Mack the Knife I don't fully grasp it, but I'm sure it's a lovely sentiment.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful and talented Lesley Ann Warren accompanied by our very own Rowlf.
Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole.
Ole, thank you, thank you.
Gracias and thank you.
Where's Rowlf? You're not Rowlf.
- No.
I am ze beloved Marvin Suggs.
And zees are my Muppaphones.
And we will accompany you.
That's fine, but where is Rowlf? Who cares? Music, maestro.
Oh, Marvin, you are so talented.
Ow, ow! - Ow, ow! Oh, it's - Ow, ow! Oh, stop the music.
Stop that music.
What? - Please, Mr.
Suggs! What are you doing? - Making the beautiful music.
These little creatures are alive and you're hitting them.
Of course zey are alive.
You cannot make music by hitting dead creatures.
But that's cruel.
Oh, it is cruel.
You do not hear zem complaining, do you? Shut up! Listen, I'm sorry I'm late, but somebody locked me in my dressing room.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, who did it? I'm not sure.
Shut up! I think I will change your names to the "Finkaphones.
" That's enough of that.
Can we strike this whole thing? Strike the set.
Strike the Muppaphones.
I would love to.
You didn't have to say that.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Uh, can we bring in the piano? Let me have some stars back there in the sky.
There you go.
Oh, good.
Thank you, Beauregard.
A little bit more light than that would be good.
Oh, thank you.
- We'll change the mood here.
Please.
- We have a gorgeous little song here.
Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
Yeah, me, too.
# Don't go changin' # To try to please me # You never let me down before # Don't imagine # You're too familiar # And I don't see you anymore # I would not leave you # In times of trouble # We never could have come this far # Mmmm-mm # I took the good times # I'll take the bad times # I'll take you just the way you are # I need to know # That you will always be # The same old someone that I knew # What does it take # Till you believe in me # The way that I believe in you # I said I love you # And that's forever # This I promise from the heart # Mmmm-mm # I couldn't love you # Any better # I love you just the way you are # Mmmm-mm # I couldn't love you # Any better # I love you just the way you are # I love you # Just the way # You are # I love you.
You know, I really liked that.
Yep, me, too.
Are we in the right theater? Now, for the second time this evening the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage into that box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
We're not afraid.
We know Gonzo.
If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again.
And so here he is now - I'm ready! I'm introducing you.
- Introduce fast.
I'm ready.
OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! There, that was easy, wasn't it? Well, uh, hi there, good looking.
What was that? - That was my snappy opening line.
Oh.
- Sort of an icebreaker.
Well, I'd, um I'd hate to break perfectly good ice.
Uh, what? Wait a minute.
Aren't you Link Hogthrob? Yes, I am.
I'm one of the stars of the show here.
Perhaps you've admired me from afar.
Well, um, I'd really rather admire you from near.
Um, what? - Maybe while we dance.
Oh.
Well, uh Actually, I'm not much of a dancer.
Tonight's my night to go bowling.
- Oh, oh.
No, please.
It's the last dance.
- It is? # Last dance # Last chance # For love # Yes, it's my last chance # Romance # Tonight # I need you # By me # Beside me # To guide me # To hold me # Scold me # 'Cause when I'm bad I'm oh, so bad # So let's dance # The last dance # Let's dance # The last dance # Oh, let's dance # The last dance # Tonight # Last dance # Last chance for love # Oh, yes, it's my last chance # Romance tonight # Hey # Oh # Well # Whoa ho, I need you # By me # Beside me # To guide me # Oh, hold me # Scold me # 'Cause when I'm bad # I'm so, so bad # So, come on, baby # Dance that dance # Come on, everybody # Dance that dance # Come on, baby # Dance that dance tonight # OK.
Well, I think it's just about time we called it a show.
So, it's a show.
Before we go let's have a warm thank you for our very special guest star.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren.
Yeah! Thank you.
Um, you were introducing me, right? Not the dancing cucumbers? Oh, I'm sorry about that, Lesley.
I mean, who knew there was an act called Lesley and Warren? Are you kidding? - Everybody knows us.
Les, Lee and Warren.
Yup, that's us.
Oh, I get it.
Uh Let me see.
You're Les, you're Lee and you're Warren.
Mm-hmm.
See? Yeah, by the way, who's the lady? Oh! I'm sorry about that, Lesley.
We'll make it up to you somehow.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! This show's beginning to roll.
So's the motorbike.
Oh!
OK, thank you.
Thank you, Scooter.
Good luck to both of you.
Good luck to both of us? Oh, don't wish us good luck.
We got talent.
- Oh! We've got drive.
We've got charisma.
So don't wish us no lousy, stinking, rotten luck.
Ahh! Wish me luck.
Aww! It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Lesley Ann Warren.
Yeah! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Thank you all and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
We hope you're as glad to see us as we are to see us, among other people.
Uh, uh Anyhow, tonight we've got a real treat for you because our very special guest stars are that world famous knife throwing act, Lesley and Warren.
Uh, but first - Kermit! What is it, Scooter? - Only one of them showed up.
What? How can you have a knife throwing act with only one person? I don't know.
Maybe he had an accident on the last gig.
Uh, well, as I was saying, we have a really terrific show tonight with our very special guest star, Lesley andlor Warren.
Wait a minute.
Aren't you? - I am your guest star.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Lesley Ann Warren! Yeah! Wait a minute.
You're not Lesley and Warren.
You're Lesley Ann Warren, the actress, the dancer, the singer.
Thank you.
So, how come you're doing a dumb knife throwing act? Kermit, I thought you were the one person on this show who wasn't crazy.
Me not crazy? I hired the others.
But just come backstage and we'll sort this whole thing out.
In the meanwhilst, I'll leave you in the company of the Great Gonzo.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This evening I will perform a feat of lunatic daring.
Before your very eyes I will ride this motorcycle up this ramp and jump directly into that box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
What? Oh, I can assure you, you'll be in no danger.
You're right.
- We'll be in Chicago.
For their own safety, while they were dozing, I took the precaution of chaining them to their chairs.
What? Help! Help! On my mark get set, go! Uh-oh! Hooray! - Bravo! Wonderful! Encore! - Loved it! Oh, boy.
First I accidentally introduce Lesley Ann Warren as a knife throwing act, and then Gonzo does that.
We are off to a crummy start.
Oh, it's gonna be a great act, Kermit.
But something is wrong with my bike.
Gonzo.
If I advance the spark Wha-ha! Turn left! Turn left! I'm sorry about that confusion before, folks.
It is time to bring out our very special guest star Well, here we are.
- Ready to go on.
What are you two doing out here? - We're the very special guest stars.
Right.
Lesley and Warren, the dancing cucumbers.
See? He's Lesley and I'm Warren.
Yeah, but our special guest star is a big TV star that sings and dances and acts and does comedy.
Yeah, but can she make salad? - You two get out of here! Uh, uh, uh Ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren.
An interpretation of Beauty and the Beast by Ms.
Lesley Ann Warren.
How do they do that? Do what? Kermit? Kermit, Kermit, hey.
I've got a message for you from Gonzo.
Uh-oh.
What's the bad news? No, it's good news, yeah.
Gonzo has half of his motorcycle jump perfected.
Which half? - The take-off.
What about the landing? The landing still needs work.
And now, Pigs in Space.
When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was about to pass through a shower of mysterious dummo rays.
Dr.
Strangepork, are dummo rays dangerous? Well, not really, Link.
They only affect creatures of very low intelligence.
Miss Piggy, maybe you better lock yourself in a closet till we pass through them.
Humph! Tres amusant, mon capitain! Humph! - Uh We should be starting through them now.
Oh, no! - Yes, there they are.
Oh, no! - Oh, oh, oh! That's it.
We're through them.
Ah.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
Well, I told you.
You really have to be stupid to be affected by dummo rays.
Link? Oh, no! Sooey! Does that mean? Yes.
But the effect is only temporary, so don't panic.
Panic? Are you kidding? This is the chance of a lifetime.
I am taking over.
Move it, fatso.
But Miss Piggy Ha ha! Captain Piggy! Hang on, Strangepork, you're going for the ride of your life.
Whoo-hoo! But Captain Piggy, Link will be coming out of it in about ten seconds.
Ten seconds? Oh, rats.
Oh, oh - I must warn you, Captain, dummo rays have one side effect.
The victim becomes a tap dancer.
A what? I don't believe this.
Where did he get those shoes? Go, Link.
Yeah! That's a good step.
Yeah, a good step.
Tune in next week and we'll try to have an explanation for this week's Pigs in Space.
# Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear # And he shows them pearly white # Just a jackknife # Has MacHeath, dear # And he keeps it out of sight Stop, stop, stop, stop! This is an appalling song of gore and violence.
Maybe you just don't understand it, Sam.
It contains a lot of slang.
- Hmm.
"A shark has pearly teeth, dear" is slang? Sure.
"Shark" is a term for "man" and everybody knows that "teeth" is slang for "money.
" Well, uh What about the jackknife here, huh? Uh Cockney rhyming slang.
What? - Jackknife wife.
Well, all right, all right, but "when the shark bites with his teeth, dear, scarlet billows start to spread," hmm? Hmm? Hmm? - You see, biting obviously means buying something.
Scarlet billows sofa pillows! So, the song, then, is about a man who has a wife for whom he buys - pillows.
- Exactly.
# On the sidewalk # Sunday morning # Lies a body # Oozing life # Someone's sneaking # 'Round the corner # Is that someone # Mack the Knife I don't fully grasp it, but I'm sure it's a lovely sentiment.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful and talented Lesley Ann Warren accompanied by our very own Rowlf.
Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole.
Ole, thank you, thank you.
Gracias and thank you.
Where's Rowlf? You're not Rowlf.
- No.
I am ze beloved Marvin Suggs.
And zees are my Muppaphones.
And we will accompany you.
That's fine, but where is Rowlf? Who cares? Music, maestro.
Oh, Marvin, you are so talented.
Ow, ow! - Ow, ow! Oh, it's - Ow, ow! Oh, stop the music.
Stop that music.
What? - Please, Mr.
Suggs! What are you doing? - Making the beautiful music.
These little creatures are alive and you're hitting them.
Of course zey are alive.
You cannot make music by hitting dead creatures.
But that's cruel.
Oh, it is cruel.
You do not hear zem complaining, do you? Shut up! Listen, I'm sorry I'm late, but somebody locked me in my dressing room.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh, who did it? I'm not sure.
Shut up! I think I will change your names to the "Finkaphones.
" That's enough of that.
Can we strike this whole thing? Strike the set.
Strike the Muppaphones.
I would love to.
You didn't have to say that.
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Uh, can we bring in the piano? Let me have some stars back there in the sky.
There you go.
Oh, good.
Thank you, Beauregard.
A little bit more light than that would be good.
Oh, thank you.
- We'll change the mood here.
Please.
- We have a gorgeous little song here.
Yeah, it's one of my favorites.
Yeah, me, too.
# Don't go changin' # To try to please me # You never let me down before # Don't imagine # You're too familiar # And I don't see you anymore # I would not leave you # In times of trouble # We never could have come this far # Mmmm-mm # I took the good times # I'll take the bad times # I'll take you just the way you are # I need to know # That you will always be # The same old someone that I knew # What does it take # Till you believe in me # The way that I believe in you # I said I love you # And that's forever # This I promise from the heart # Mmmm-mm # I couldn't love you # Any better # I love you just the way you are # Mmmm-mm # I couldn't love you # Any better # I love you just the way you are # I love you # Just the way # You are # I love you.
You know, I really liked that.
Yep, me, too.
Are we in the right theater? Now, for the second time this evening the Great Gonzo will attempt a motorcycle jump off of this stage into that box, landing safely between those two elderly gentlemen.
We're not afraid.
We know Gonzo.
If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again.
And so here he is now - I'm ready! I'm introducing you.
- Introduce fast.
I'm ready.
OK.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! There, that was easy, wasn't it? Well, uh, hi there, good looking.
What was that? - That was my snappy opening line.
Oh.
- Sort of an icebreaker.
Well, I'd, um I'd hate to break perfectly good ice.
Uh, what? Wait a minute.
Aren't you Link Hogthrob? Yes, I am.
I'm one of the stars of the show here.
Perhaps you've admired me from afar.
Well, um, I'd really rather admire you from near.
Um, what? - Maybe while we dance.
Oh.
Well, uh Actually, I'm not much of a dancer.
Tonight's my night to go bowling.
- Oh, oh.
No, please.
It's the last dance.
- It is? # Last dance # Last chance # For love # Yes, it's my last chance # Romance # Tonight # I need you # By me # Beside me # To guide me # To hold me # Scold me # 'Cause when I'm bad I'm oh, so bad # So let's dance # The last dance # Let's dance # The last dance # Oh, let's dance # The last dance # Tonight # Last dance # Last chance for love # Oh, yes, it's my last chance # Romance tonight # Hey # Oh # Well # Whoa ho, I need you # By me # Beside me # To guide me # Oh, hold me # Scold me # 'Cause when I'm bad # I'm so, so bad # So, come on, baby # Dance that dance # Come on, everybody # Dance that dance # Come on, baby # Dance that dance tonight # OK.
Well, I think it's just about time we called it a show.
So, it's a show.
Before we go let's have a warm thank you for our very special guest star.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lesley Ann Warren.
Yeah! Thank you.
Um, you were introducing me, right? Not the dancing cucumbers? Oh, I'm sorry about that, Lesley.
I mean, who knew there was an act called Lesley and Warren? Are you kidding? - Everybody knows us.
Les, Lee and Warren.
Yup, that's us.
Oh, I get it.
Uh Let me see.
You're Les, you're Lee and you're Warren.
Mm-hmm.
See? Yeah, by the way, who's the lady? Oh! I'm sorry about that, Lesley.
We'll make it up to you somehow.
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! This show's beginning to roll.
So's the motorbike.
Oh!