The Neighborhood (2018) s03e15 Episode Script

1 Here you go, boss.
Three more orders.
Wow! That is ten oil changes today! I told you my idea for a $20 special would work.
Uh, that was my idea.
Norm, that doesn't make any sense.
If it was your idea, why would I be taking credit for it? Hey, buddy.
How you doing, pal? Your guy said I should talk to you about your oil change special.
- Pretty amazing deal, huh? - Yeah.
I don't like to brag, but that was my idea.
And absolutely no one else's.
Wow.
It's pretty smart.
No wonder you're employee of the month for a year straight.
Well, I don't like to brag about that, either, but actually, it was, uh, 14 months.
All I know is this is a much better deal than over at Motor Boys.
They got to be shaking in their coveralls.
Yeah.
You know, their sleazebag owner Victor Alvarez he's been trying to put me out of business for years.
- Hmm.
- But it's ideas like this that keep me one step ahead of him.
Yeah, whoever thought of that should probably get a raise.
So, have you ever met this, uh, Alvarez jerk? No, no, but I would love to see the look on his slimy face when he realizes I outsmarted him again.
Well, if you want to do that, all you have to do is look outside.
- What do you mean? - I mean this.
You're Victor Alvarez? That's me.
And it's nice to finally meet you face-to-face to face.
Oh, yeah? Well, it's nice to meet you face-to-face to face, to face, to face, to face! Well, this has been fun, but I have to go.
I will be seeing you later, and you will be seeing me all day.
Ha, ha! I can't believe Victor put a giant Motor Boys ad up over your shop.
Yeah, and just because they're a big chain, they think they can push us around.
- That guy has some nerve.
- Yeah.
And some hair.
The last time I saw a mane like that, it was on Animal Planet eating a hyena.
What we need is to figure out how to remind everybody that Calvin's Pit Stop is a fixture in the community.
- Oh.
- Exactly.
Whatever it is should tie into the neighborhood, like some kind of a local charity promotion.
Yeah, that is a great idea.
You know what? We can team up with a nearby animal shelter and give every customer a free rescue kitten.
That's ridiculous.
What if they don't want a kitten? Well, then maybe they're not the kind of customer you want.
Okay.
How about we have a food drive at the local food pantry, and everyone who donates a bag of food gets a free oil change? - Mm.
- Or even better.
- Oh.
- We team up with a local food pantry, give away free oil changes to everyone that comes in with a bag of food.
Boom! Boom! - Yes.
- Calvin, that's exactly what I just said.
Okay, Tina.
I guess some people need all the credit.
- Uh - You know what? One of the moms at my school is a local TV reporter.
I'll ask her to cover it.
Great! You know what? We'll get some press, create a little new business, and rip Victor's beating heart out of his chest, and I'll just squeeze it and throw it on the floor.
And feed the hungry, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we'll do that, too.
Oh, hey, Malcolm.
What you doing? I am going through the pantry to get some donations together for Mom and Pop's food drive.
Oh, cool.
Uh, just don't touch anything on my snack shelf.
I like to reward myself after a hard day's work.
And before one, too.
You know, I don't even know how you eat that junk.
Everything here is filled with processed sugars and empty calories.
Actually, that's the healthy food.
My snack shelf is over there.
You know, I'm serious, Marty.
You need to stop eating like this and start working out.
Hey, man, I work out.
Marty, the only crunches you do come out of a box of Fiddle Faddle.
Come on, little bro.
You should let me train you.
You? What do you know about training, besides teaching our old dog how to pee on my pillow? I know everything about training.
I used to be a professional athlete.
Yeah, but that was, like, ten years ago.
So? I'm in better shape now than I was then.
And I get even more dates.
All right, fine, but if I get in better shape than you, I'm taking revenge for my pillow.
My head smelled like a dog park for a month.
Oh.
Hey, Tina.
We brought over some stuff for the food drive.
Yeah, we cleaned out the whole pantry.
If there's an earthquake, flood or zombie apocalypse, - we're gonna have to eat Grover.
- Yes.
Aw, I love Grover.
But you gotta do what you gotta do.
Here at Calvin's Pit Stop, we love supporting our community.
And take it from me, Calvin, of Calvin's Pit Stop, where giving back is our number one priority here at Calvin's Pit Stop.
¡Hola, mis amigos! Victor, what are you doing here at Calvin's Pit Stop? Don't worry, Alvin.
I'm just here because Motor Boys loves charities.
And what bigger charity case is there than Calvin's Pit Stop? Well, thank you, Victor.
I appreciate the plug.
It's obviously something you know a lot about, looking at your hair.
Ha, ha! That is very funny.
But believe me, this is all real.
Just like this.
Felipe! A $5,000 donation to the local food pantry.
What? Hey, get a close-up on this check.
This story might actually make it on the air.
Mr.
Alvarez, can we get a comment from you on this generous donation? Sure.
But today is not about me.
Today is about the community Motor Boys serves with the highest quality and the lowest prices in town.
Can I do that again? Because I feel like I got a hair out of place.
Felipe, my comb! Come on, bro.
Ah! I can't go on.
I gotta stop.
I gotta stop.
My lungs are collapsing.
Come on, Marty.
We haven't even run a mile.
And don't think I didn't see you try to jump on that bus.
Hey, man, I don't get it.
You're barely even sweating.
Oh, I'm not sweating at all.
This is yours from when you tried to get me to carry you.
Yeah.
Okay, man, let's just let's just do some stretching to cool down.
Oh, man, can't I just lie here in the grass, and you turn the sprinklers on me? - Marty? - Huh? Take it from an elite athlete, stretching after a workout is the best way to prevent an injury.
Now, come on, man, just just do what I do.
- All right, fine.
- All right.
Come on! Now, ah You gotta give yourself a full range - of motion.
- Uh-huh.
No! - What was that? - Ooh, ooh-ooh, that was nothing.
That's just a That's a noise that athletes make - when we stretch.
- Why? Well, we we also worked out our lungs, so we gotta stretch them, too.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Yeah.
- All right, all right, let me try.
Uh - Okay.
Uh Ooh ! Ooh! Ah.
I can't believe I've been doing that wrong my whole life.
After all, what's the point of owning the most successful auto shops in all of Southern California if you can't write big checks like this? $5,000 is a lot of money.
No, I meant that giant check.
Are you kidding me? Those things cost, like, $100 each.
This is terrible.
Victor is totally stealing the spotlight from you.
She's right, baby.
We gotta do something.
- Yeah.
- You say the word, and I can have 50 kittens here in a half an hour.
No, Dave, I got a better idea.
But if I find out he's allergic to cats, it's go time.
So, Victor, you know, it's great to hear that we're on the same page about giving back to those in need.
Absolutely, Calvin.
And your gesture is proof that no shop is too small to make a difference.
An incredibly poquito, barely noticeable difference.
Well, since you feel that way, I think I have an idea how we can make an even bigger difference.
How? I propose a challenge! We'll both pick our best mechanic, and have a race to see who can build an engine the fastest.
The loser donates another $5,000 to the food pantry.
Wow, another $5,000.
That's a lot of money for you, not for me.
It doesn't matter how much money it is because because Calvin is gonna win.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Which is why we're doubling the bet to $10,000.
You tell 'em, Dave.
Wait, whoa.
What are you telling 'em? It's a deal! We will see you tomorrow, Calvin.
See you tomorrow, little guy, who needs to condition his hair.
Felipe, we ride! Give me that, Felipe.
Well, you better bring your giant pen, 'cause you're gonna be writing an even bigger check tomorrow! 'Cause I'm gonna No wonder these things are $100.
They're really well made.
Calvin, I can't believe you challenged him to this contest.
We can't afford $10,000.
I'm not the one that made it 10,000.
That was Mr.
Kittens over there.
It doesn't matter, Calvin, because you're gonna beat this guy.
You're the best mechanic in town.
Yeah, and plus, you've got Norm on your team.
He's almost as good as you.
You know what, she's right.
You are good.
Even though you try to steal my ideas every now and then.
So, Calvin, you ready to get this party started? Since your engine probably won't.
What do you mean, get started? Your assistant mechanic's not even here yet.
Oh, yes, he is.
But yours isn't.
Right, Norm? Seriously, Norm? You'd stab me in the back after everything I taught you? I'm sorry, Calvin, but he offered me employee of the month.
You know what, fine, Victor.
You can put up your billboards, steal my employees and flaunt your giant checks, but none of your slick tricks are gonna work, because I'm so good, I can beat the two of you by myself.
Yeah, that's right, which is why we're doubling Dave, no! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh - Hey! - Hey! - There's the elite athlete.
- Here I am.
I'm just reading about these peas, you know.
Oh, they're still good for you.
They can stay.
I've got to say, Malcolm, yesterday was tough.
But I woke up feeling really good about this.
And it's all thanks to you, man.
Aah! I-I am so glad you feel that way.
Okay, so what's on the schedule for today, Coach? A little weight training? Some cardio? Or find a place that has a ton of stairs.
You know, I'd love to get a little Rocky montage in for Instagram.
Actually, uh, M-Marty, maybe we should take today off.
Because if you push too hard, you could get hurt, and then you'll have to walk over to the couch like this.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Hey, come on, man, I'll be fine.
Besides, I'll never get in shape like you by skipping workouts.
- Uh - Here put your shoes on.
No, no Aah! I will see you out there.
Come on, Calvin! You can do it.
Yeah, baby! And if you run out of grease, there's a head full of it over there! Looks like Calvin's falling behind.
Victor and Norm already have their shiny doohickey on their big, oily thingamabob.
I know you don't know what you're saying, but it is so sexy when you talk cars.
Calvin, I gotta say I'm impressed that you're keeping up.
When I shut you down, you can come and work for me.
I take two creams and one sugar.
Not a chance.
But if you need a job, I can always use one of those inflatable floppy guys out front doing this.
You're good at that.
When I put you out of business, you can open a dance studio, huh? Olé.
Come on, Calvin.
You can beat this guy.
This is a classic underdog story.
Y-You're like David fighting Goliath.
I mean, if if Goliath stole David's best shepherd at the last minute.
And, well, if David was actually named Calvin, who, coincidentally, had a best friend named Dave.
Am I crazy, or is Calvin starting to move faster? I know.
It's like the more Dave bothers him, the faster he works.
Wait, I think I know what's happening.
After all of these years of listening to Dave yapping, Calvin's learned how to tune him out.
It's helping him focus.
What are you talking about? I am not bothering him.
This is the face he makes when he is listening intently to everything I say.
No, Dave, I think Tina's right.
It is helping.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but, uh, give me all the annoying Dave you got.
Well, that's all I needed to hear.
So, in the fourth grade, I sat behind Mary Wheeler, who was so tall I couldn't see the board.
But when they moved me to the front, I still couldn't see, and that's when we all realized that I was blind as a bat.
Luckily, later on So most people think that the grocery store Smart and Final is named that because it's an excellent place for one-stop shopping.
But the truth is, it's named after its founders, Jim Smart and H.
D.
Final.
How cool is that?! So I roll down my window and I hand the cop my license.
But I-I hear a voice that I recognize, and I look up, way up, and, you guessed it, right there, it's Mary Wheeler.
Tallest cop you've ever seen.
She said she didn't recognize me, but I don't totally believe her.
Whoo! Ah! Ow! I didn't think I was gonna make it.
But thank God you kept the pressure on - with all that screaming at me.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm glad it worked, 'cause I'll probably be screaming at you through the cool-down, too.
Oh, hey, man, thanks again for doing this.
I never would have got started if you hadn't pushed me.
- Yeah.
- Bring it in.
No.
No.
No, don't.
You Yeah, man, great run! Aah! Oh, Marty, I'm not celebrating our run.
I'm in excruciating pain.
- What? - Ow! I threw my back out yesterday when we were exercising, and I've been trying to hide it ever since.
Whoa.
Why didn't you say anything? Because it's embarrassing, man.
I was bragging about being an elite athlete, and saying you were out of shape, and then I get hurt stretching.
That's like a guy calling himself a ladies' man and, you know, taking his mama to the school dance.
Hey, man, I didn't take her.
She was a chaperone.
You know what I mean.
Of course I do.
But you don't need to be embarrassed in front of me, man, - I'm your brother.
- Yeah, but still No "but still," Malcolm.
If you can't be real with me, who can you be real with? Aw, you're right.
You're right, little bro, I was just being dumb.
You know what, thank you for being so cool about this, man.
Yeah, no problem, man.
Let's get you inside - so you can ice your back.
- Yeah.
All right.
And for the record, it was a Sadie Hawkins dance.
- So technically, Mama invited me.
- Oh Come on, Dave, they're neck and neck.
Yeah, baby.
Come on, you gotta Dave it up a notch.
- Yeah.
- I can't.
I'm exhausted.
I've told every story that Calvin's ignored or walked away from in the last three years.
For the past 15 minutes, I even annoyed myself.
What's the matter over there, Calvin? Huh? You look like you're running out of steam.
Oh, which reminds me, sometimes I like foam milk on my latte.
Come on, Dave, you gotta come up with something, man.
A-Anything.
What what about the first time you cried at a concert? W I already told you.
Sugar Ray.
Haven't you been listening? Come on, baby, hurry up.
They're almost done.
I'm trying, babe, but I just don't think I can do it without Dave.
Come on, Calvin, that's not true.
Look, the reality is, is you never needed me in the first place.
'Cause you can do this on your own.
You always could.
Look, you're like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
She thought that she needed the Wizard's help to get home, but all she ever had to do was click her ruby red slippers together and believe.
Oh, my God, he's speeding up again.
That's it, Dave.
That's exactly the kind of dumbass jabbering he needs.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- What do you mean, jabbering? - Yeah.
- I was just trying to get Calvin to do exactly that! Boom! You hear that? That's the sound of me kicking your ass! You did it, baby.
Mwah! You did it.
We knew you could.
Yeah, you just dropped a house on the Wicked Victor of the West.
Well, Calvin, congratulations.
I must admit you are a hell of a good mechanic.
And you are very patient, too.
I would have thrown a wrench at that guy an hour ago.
So, Victor, are you gonna make good on that ten grand to the food pantry? I am a man of my word.
But this isn't over.
I'll be back for you, and your little dog, too.
He's not a little dog.
He's my friend! In fact, he's the Jim Smart to my H.
D.
Final! Hold on.
I-I thought you weren't listening.
Oh, most of it I can block out, but actually, that one was pretty interesting.
This is Sugar Ray all over again.
Oh, honey This is so exciting.
I can't believe we're gonna be on the news.
You guys deserve it.
You raised a lot of money for charity and showed that sometimes the underdog can win.
Exactly.
You know, it reminds me of that end-of-summer-camp talent show when me and my ukulele squared off against Okay, Dave, we've already won.
You can stop being annoying now.
Ooh, there it is! - We're on.
Turn it up.
- All right.
And, in a local story, two Pasadena auto shops decided to go head-to-head for a good cause.
All right, here it comes, here it comes.
Regional chain Motor Boys learned not to mess with the little guy when neighborhood auto shop Calvin Oh Oh, we are gonna cut away right now - for some breaking news.
- What?! We are going live to a warehouse fire, where firefighters have just rescued a litter of adorable kittens.
Kittens! See, there's an idea.
Why didn't anybody think of that?