The Ranch (2016) s03e15 Episode Script

1 I gotta tell you about the craziest best day of my life.
Although I did just send in an audition tape to American Ninja Warrior, so it might not be the best for long.
All right, thanks.
Okay, the nurse said that my contractions are far enough apart that we can go to our hospital.
And your cramps, they're from the half-dozen hot dogs you ate.
Are you sure? 'Cause I was positive that it was sympathy labor cramps.
You don't wanna go to the closer hospital? No, I really want Dr.
Clancy.
- She's been with us the whole time.
- Okay.
We could get there if this guy in front of us would stop driving like a bitch.
To be fair, his license plate frame does say he'd rather be wakeboarding.
Can you hand me another hot dog? You just said you had cramps! Yeah, well, there's still more free hot dogs.
All right, we should call your parents and my parents.
I don't want anyone else in the delivery room.
What? No, just you and me, okay? I don't need added stress.
When I got my tonsils out on picture day in eighth grade, my mom permed my hair when I was under.
I woke up looking like Little Orphan Annie.
I remember that.
I shoved you into a locker 'cause I thought you were Rooster.
I'm not ready for this.
We just talked about how we don't have time to get everything done in a month.
Now we don't even have a month.
The baby's gonna be sleeping in Rooster's room underneath a poster of Danica Patrick on a GoDaddy car.
- Should probably take that down.
- Yeah.
Well, there is room above our bed.
All right.
Look Maybe we haven't got done everything we wanted to.
But nobody's ever ready.
We can handle this.
- We'll do it together.
- All right.
Every step of this wild, wonderful journey, I'm gonna be your rock.
Thanks.
And I know that's from last week's episode of This Is Us.
Well, I believed it when Milo Ventimiglia said it.
- Look, we'll be fine.
- Yeah.
Shit is gonna roll out the way it's supposed to happen.
That's all Colt Bennett, by the way.
Oh my stomach's killing me.
You couldn't find a megaphone to chew into? Am I ruining the commercials? One's about beer, one's about trucks, and there's an old guy talking real slow about "When things were built right" Oh, it's Colt.
If he's in stadium jail again, tell him we're not pickin' him up till the season's over.
Hey, Colt, I think I saw you and Abby, but then the Fox robot was breakdancing in front of you What? Oh, that's so exciting.
No, we'll meet you there.
All right.
What's goin' on? - Abby's water broke.
- Really? They're gonna have the baby.
That's great.
Wait, are you sure Colt didn't just spill beer on her lap? Colt would rather drop a baby than a beer.
Well, this is it.
- We're gonna be grandparents.
- Yeah.
God, can you believe it? There's gonna be a person on this Earth who looks at Colt and says, "That man has all the answers.
" I think I wanna be called "Pop Pop.
" Because that's the sound you hear at a firing range.
Oh! What the fuck? D'you think there's a fence down? Or did they figure out what you're doing to them and they're fighting back? You go on to the hospital, I'll see what's goin' on.
- Jesus.
- All right, but hurry up.
Be there as soon as I can, Grandma.
Don't start that "Grandma" shit with me.
- Hey.
- Where's Dad? Oh, there was a little emergency at the ranch.
Some cows got out, went into the driveway.
They holdin' a sign sayin' "Eat more chicken"? How's it going? It's a little bit crazy.
Yeah.
Our regular doctor's not here.
So we get this backup doctor who says she's at two centimeters, so, on top of being too young, he's a fuckin' Canadian.
Everything's gonna go fine.
You don't know that.
Even if the delivery's perfect, like, then what? Okay, they're gonna hand me this little person and say, "Good luck.
Try not to kill it.
" And I'll try, like I tried with those three hamsters when I was a kid.
No, there were seven.
We had to swap out a few.
Oh my God! You told me that hamsters change color sometimes.
And I believed you until, like, right now.
It's totally normal to feel anxious.
Okay, I'm not ready to be a dad.
I'm not.
We went to our birthing class and they showed a video of women breastfeeding.
I'm the only one who laughed when you could see their boobs.
Oh, I get that.
I was terrified when I was pregnant with Rooster.
I had just discovered Quaaludes.
But, you know, it'll all change when you see her.
What if it doesn't change? Oh, it will, trust me.
You'll stop worrying about this and you'll start worrying about everything else.
What? Well, your whole life is gonna be a dance between love and fear.
Again, I'm gonna go with "What?" You're gonna love your daughter so completely.
And because of that you're gonna be afraid of every bad thing in the world.
So I'm just gonna be afraid for the rest of my life? We were afraid every time you guys got in a car, every time you missed curfew by five minutes, every time that phone rang after midnight, yeah.
That just sounds terrible.
Well, that's just the beginning, 'cause she's gonna have friends and some of them you're not gonna like.
Some of them are gonna be boys.
She's gonna get hurt, she's gonna cry and there won't be a damn thing you can do to What the fuck?! Yeah.
It's called being a parent.
So far you're doing great, though.
I can't I just I can't I need to go take a walk and clear my All right, that's the best thing you can do.
Well, the best thing you could do is take a Quaalude, but that ship has sailed.
- Hey, Beau.
- What are you guys doin' out here? Maggie called and said Abby went into labor and you have some cows loose.
I figured you guys wanted me for the delivery, but apparently, Abby had her heart set on a people doctor.
I appreciate you comin'.
This isn't your problem.
It's not a problem.
We're your friends.
Right? Of course we are! Friends help friends out.
Friends also compliment friends on their new shirt.
Friends also don't lie to each other.
You put me in a real pickle.
I already got my cattle together.
But I do have a piece of fence to restring, if you wanna help.
We'll take care of the fence.
You just get on to the hospital.
I'm not going anywhere till the job's done.
You got more important places to be.
They don't need me there.
Besides, how are you gonna fix my fence? You got winded climbing outta your truck.
Oh, bullshit.
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Charlene's got me doing the hot yoga.
You don't believe me, come at me.
I was taught never to hit my elders.
I'm not goin' anywhere till the job's done.
All right.
Let's go.
We know the rules.
We do it your way and no talkin'.
And no fuckin' whisperin'.
Oh, sure, "Dock of the Bay" brought joy to millions, yet I'm the asshole.
Your words, not mine.
I like your shirt.
Thank you.
Hey! Mary, what are you doing here? Hank told me Abby was in labor.
I thought he was trying to trick me into leaving the bar early so he could drink for free.
Then I texted Colt and I knew the baby was coming when he sent me back a video of a kid shooting out of a water slide.
Yeah, he sent me one of a tennis ball flying out of ball machine.
Anyway, I thought y'all might be hungry, so I took some of the food that was going bad at the bar and I fried it all up.
I figured worst case, we are at a hospital.
Well, thank you Mary, although I already ate so I prob Ooh, wings! Hey, Mary, can I talk to you about something? - Of course, yeah.
- Thanks again, Mar Did you happen to bring anything to drink? Yeah, I threw some waters in there.
Oh, water, great.
'Cause they don't have that here.
What's up? I called Maria.
Really? Why? 'Cause she's a friend of mine and I figured if she stole from me it must have been for a good reason.
She had no idea what I was talking about.
She said you fired her.
That I said I couldn't afford to keep her on.
Oh.
Okay, I don't mean to be insensitive, but she got caught stealing.
I mean, what else is she gonna say? When I accused my ex-husband of cheating, he did not say, "Oh, busted.
Here, take half my stuff.
You might want to get tested for chlamydia.
" She's worked for me for over ten years.
She's never lied to me once.
Yeah, some people are just really good liars.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
It's just, none of it makes sense, so Maggie, you do not need to be worried about this stuff today, of all days.
Yeah.
Colt's about to be a father.
Exactly.
That is what we should all be worried about.
Excuse me.
- Colt! - Excuse me.
What's going on? Where they taking you? I was just trying to call you.
The baby's heart rate dropped.
They said I need an emergency C-section.
What the hell? I thought you said she was in good hands.
She is.
We'll take care of her.
- Colt - I'll be by your side the whole time.
You're not allowed in the operating room.
- What the fuck?! - I'm sorry, it's hospital policy.
Okay, babe, I'll be right here when you get back, okay? - I love you.
- I love you.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Everybody's in the waiting room.
They're asking about you.
It's the first thing Abby bought when she found out she was pregnant.
Colt, they have really good doctors here.
She's gonna get great care.
Heather had good doctors.
Oh, honey, that was different.
That was a miscarriage, y'know.
C-sections, even emergency C-sections, are really common.
I looked up emergency C-sections on WebMD.
There's like 100 things that could go wrong.
Yeah, well, you need to focus on what you can control.
Like, "If I look up WebMD again, my mom's gonna smash my phone.
" Couldn't do anythin' about Heather.
Couldn't do anythin' about Rooster.
Now I can't do anythin' about Abby.
She's back there with my daughter.
Hey.
It's gonna be all right.
Come on, now.
If they don't come out in five minutes, I'm goin' back there.
I don't care what they say.
Yeah, that's just what we need, Colt, you helping out in the operating room.
Can I get anybody anything? You can get someone to walk in here and tell me what's going on with my daughter.
I need a Xanax.
Anyone else? Yeah, sure, I'll take one.
- Hospitals stress me out.
- Great.
Call it even for the water you brought.
Dr.
Hopkins.
- What's goin' on? - Abby and your baby girl are doing great.
Ah, gee bring it in, bitch! Watch out, he's a kisser.
What happened? The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, which caused the heart rate to drop.
- But she's okay.
- Yeah.
They're in recovery.
You can see them in a couple minutes.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
That's great.
I'm a dad.
I'm so happy for you.
I'm also so happy you never said that to me in high school.
There's my girls.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, jeez.
You did so great.
She's so beautiful.
Oh, she really is.
Are you ready to hold her? - All right.
- Okay.
Here we go, Bennett.
One time, no fumbles.
Hi, little lady.
I'm your dad.
I'm so happy you're finally here.
We're gonna have so much fun together.
I'm gonna be there for your first day of school first time you lose a tooth your first boyfriend.
I'm gonna hate him.
Your mom's gonna say, "Come on, give him a chance.
" I'm gonna say, "Okay, if you like him, I like him," but I ain't gonna like him.
I'm gonna love you.
Forever and ever.
She's got your hair.
I got so much to teach you about hair care.
I almost forgot.
All right.
Let's get you all wrapped up.
Okay.
- I'm doin' it.
- You're doin' it so good.
Okay.
Okay.
Mama got you this blanket.
First thing after she found out she was havin' you.
We make cute babies, Bennett.
Yeah, we do.
Wow.
- Look at this.
- Mm-hm.
This is our family.
This is us.
Okay, I didn't even mean that one.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm sorry I wasn't here when you found out you were havin' a C-section.
I just, um went out to get some air.
I saw a Dairy Queen so I went and got you a Blizzard.
Oh, none of that matters now.
The only thing that matters is that we're together.
And we're happy.
And healthy.
Hmm? And somewhere in this room there's a Blizzard.
I'll get this.
It's right over here.
- What kind did you get? - Er I don't know.
I just I got there and realized I didn't have my wallet so I just stole it from some little kid.
- You did that for me? - Yeah.
You're gonna be a great dad.
Mmm.
Oh.
Mmm.
So good.
- Wanna trade? - Oh, yeah.
- Got her? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh.
Ah I love you.
I wonder if they've picked a name yet.
Janice, do you know? I made her a list.
I'm partial to "Janice" because it's a beautiful name, or "Helen" because it's a family name, or "Dolly" because well, come on, Dolly "GG" Parton.
I just hope it's somethin' normal.
Everyone names their kid "Orange" or some shit these days.
Who wants to meet their granddaughter? Yes, I've been waiting 40 years for a Bennett girl, and finally somebody I can watch This Is Us with.
I've never seen it.
I watch ESPN.
Oh, I'll watch your stuff for you.
Mary, what are you doin'? Oh.
Um Janice said it was all right.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, I have a headache so I'm gonna get going.
Congratulations, yeah.
Mary, wait.
Ninety-nine bottles of milk on the wall Ninety-nine bottles of milk Take one down Throw up on Mom Ninety-eight bottles of milk on the wall I used to sing you and Rooster the Bonanza theme.
Glad you made it.
How's Abby doin'? She's good.
Just like your granddaughter.
She's some beauty.
Yeah, she is.
When she frowns, she looks like you.
- You wanna hold her? - No, I'm fine.
Don't worry, Dad, I already checked.
She's a Republican.
- Got her? - Yeah.
Well hello, little lady.
I'm your Pop Pop.
Did a good job, here.
Yeah.
Best thing I ever done.
Although I did just send in an audition tape for American Ninja Warrior, so Don't worry, your mother's a teacher.
Maggie told me what happened to Abby.
Sorry I wasn't here.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
Ain't nothing you coulda done anyway.
Well, I appreciate what you're trying to do but I was fixing the fence instead of being with my family.
Yeah.
- Heard you ran into some trouble.
- Yeah.
Got pretty ugly.
Had to pull Hank out of a roll of barbed wire.
I think I'm gonna take the Neumann Hill offer.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Time for me to make some changes.
For me For my family for this little baby for this little girl.
Wow.
Here in the west, we're livin' the best Bonanza! If anyone fights with any of us He's gonna fight with me Wow.
Something, isn't it? You bet.
Then me and Dad hugged.
Well, I mean, our hands touched when he handed me the baby back.
I'm counting it, so Anyway, I, er Wanna introduce you to your niece.
This is Rooster Peyton Bennett.
Nah, I'm just messing with ya.
We didn't name her fuckin' "Rooster.
" Oh, hey, don't you tell your mom I swore in front of ya, all right? It's Peyton.
Obviously.
And "Margaret," for Mom.
Earned some brownie points on that one.
Anyway, I, er couldn't stop thinkin' about what kinda dad I was gonna be.
As soon as I saw Peyton I heard your voice sayin', "You ain't gonna be a bad dad.
You're gonna be a badass dad.
" Oop! Oh! She let one loose there, bud.
That was for you.
Er, almost forgot.
It's your "Rooster's Daughter.
" Thanks, bro.
Jeez, really? Let's get you changed.