The Wild Wild West (1965) s03e15 Episode Script

Good evening, sir.
Welcome to St.
Louis Whitman.
Room and a bath? Oh, no, thank you.
Mr.
Markham's expecting me.
My name is James West.
Room 211.
How many James Wests are there visiting Mr.
Markham, anyway? I don't like hecklers.
Markham, what- What happened? Enzo.
What do you mean, "Enzo"? He's he's S Silver.
The man that went up to see Markham, the one that said he was James West, did you get a good look at him? Mr.
Carstairs.
Ma'am, I keep telling you Pete will do.
Mr.
Carstairs, it's teatime.
Oh, not again.
Yes.
So will you come to a halt and light a small roadside fire for me? No, ma'am, I won't.
May I ask why? Because Miss Tyler, I just plumb won't, and there's no ands or whys about it.
Well.
Woman always hollering about tea all the time.
Sick and tired of all that stuff.
I got enough trouble watching out for these dad-gum Indians.
Kohner, you haven't missed a single bump or pothole along the way.
You're breaking my heart, Gerta.
Listen, getting my brain scrambled isn't part of the deal that, uh, you sweet-talked me into.
You weren't too particular about the travel arrangements to Denver when I bailed you out of that St.
Louis jail, as I recall.
Oh! Mr.
Kohner, the big casino operator.
It'll probably be some flea joint in the Denver slums we'll be dancing in.
Ho.
Miss Tyler? Yes.
Looks like you gonna get that ding-dang tea party after all, now that we done got us a cavalry escort.
I don't mind telling you we passed through some mighty mean Apache country, ma'am.
Apache? Red Indians? The reddest, the meanest, the orneriest, the throat-cuttingest bunch of heathens you ever did see.
Take cover! Greetings, James.
Hi, Artie.
Address me as Jonathan Ashley Kingston, a strolling Shakespearean player.
Very impressive.
I'm very impressed with your powers of observation too.
How did you know those cavalrymen were Indians? Because I ran across the real cavalrymen about four miles back, or what was left of 'em.
Came as soon as I got your wire, Artie.
Very timely entrance too.
While you were making contact with our man in St.
Louis, I found out Enzo has a girlfriend, Good, go on.
A maiden I have reason to believe is on this very wagon train.
Then it's reasonable to assume if we find out who the maiden is- Oh, by the way, what's her name? Topaz.
If we follow the maiden, she'll lead us to Enzo.
Yeah, that's true.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what she looks like.
Mister, let me shake your hand, the way you stopped them varmints.
Chris Kohner here.
We're much obliged to you, Mr.
, uh James West.
Jonathan Ashley Kingston here, your servant and debtor, sir, en route to Denver to illuminate the western scene with the ineffable radiance of the immortal bard.
Oh, and this is Mr.
Jeff Smith.
Mr.
Kohner and Pete, of course, you've already met.
Oh, and these gentlemen are Mr.
El Bardhoom and Cocoa, who are their very own circus, so to speak.
Oh, and these four nymphs here- Gerta, Joan, Alice, and Dierdre, and whose orisons your praises will long be remembered, are being escorted to Denver by our impresario Mr.
Kohner.
Mr.
Kohner, this was not part of the bargain.
I wanna go back to St.
Louis.
So do I.
Right now.
Hey, we're not going on.
Listen, you four are under contract to go to Denver, and I'm holding you to it.
Well, we're not going.
I wanna go home.
Getting killed wasn't part of our contract.
No, it wasn't.
I'll be happy to take you back, girls.
There, you see? You mean it? Yeah, I mean it.
I just came all the way through Apache country.
I'd be happy to fight my way back.
Apache country? That's where the Apaches live.
Uh-huh.
Mr.
Kohner, I'm gonna need some horses- Oh, forget it, mister.
You win, Kohner.
On to Denver.
Come on, Gerta.
Young man, I'm Miss Tyler.
Are you by any chance on your way to the city of Denver? Yes, I am.
I'd like to ride along with this party, if I may.
Mmm, good.
I'd be pleased.
Uh, Mr.
Carstairs.
Uh, yes, ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
It's considerably past teatime.
Oh, yes.
I'll get out and I'll rustle up some buffalo chips, and I'll have your fire going before you say boo.
Tea.
How splendid.
So one of those four lovelies in that wagon is Topaz, huh, Artie? Follow her hard and gem-like glow, and she will lead you to Enzo.
When I learned that Enzo had taken up with a dancer named Topaz, I went right over to the theater to apply for a job, but it was too late.
Show had closed just two days before.
That's when I found out one of the girls had gotten a wire, given her notice, and headed for Denver with this group.
Did you get a description? Oh, sure.
It fit all the girls equally well.
They were all the same size and all wore wigs.
Swell.
Did you, uh Get in touch with Markham? Mm-hm.
Unfortunately, moments after Enzo did.
Broken neck? Yeah.
You know, if one of the lovely ladies is Topaz, she's gonna end up in Denver.
Who does Enzo want in Denver? The governor.
Tom Ireland? Territorial governor who deals his cards straight, won't make deals for convenience sake.
Bound to have stepped on every pair of corrupt toes around.
Yeah, but why import an assassin, Artie? Yeah, I see what you mean.
They could easily do the job themselves.
Did you get a look at Enzo? No.
The room was dark, but I can tell you one thing about him.
He's got the strongest pair of hands I've ever felt.
Like the, uh, mighty Bardhoom, for instance? Yeah, like the mighty Bardhoom.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
With a sure and certain hope of the resurrection- Enough of all that.
Who's going to supply a few answers, like who did this? Kohner, the girl's body isn't even cold yet.
Mr.
West, yours is a rather large country, and I'm sorry to say A very violent one.
Joan just reached for you, but said nothing? Could it be- Is it possible we're being followed by the Indians? Oh, I don't know, Alice.
Are you being honest, Mr.
West? Well, it's safe to assume that no Indian did that.
Then it must be somebody from our own party.
We'll be in Denver in two days.
That gives us two days to get Enzo.
Think the department might have gotten some word as to why Europe's worst assassin would be out here? No, I don't think so, Artie, but I know one thing for sure: he wasn't out here to do that.
Well, our only hope is Topaz.
Mm-hm.
Unless that's Topaz.
Hey, who's your friend? You or anyone who will sit down opposite me.
No, not me.
I pass.
Hey, would you mind letting me use the cards? I'd like to play a little solitaire.
Not these cards.
See, today Mr.
Kohner and Mr.
Bardhoom joined me in a couple of hands of stud poker.
So? Well, as a result, you see, I'm much the richer for it, and they're much the poorer for it.
That's why you won't let me use the cards.
Well, I'll explain.
You see, there's just so much luck in a deck for me, and I've just about used up all the luck in this deck, and I'm turning them out to pasture.
Must lose a lot of cards that way.
Standard operating expenses of my profession.
I'll tell you what.
Here's a new deck of cards and a little advice.
Well, thanks for the cards.
What's the advice? Don't ever play cards with me.
Good night.
Now listen to me.
You have to be patient.
Our time will come.
We'll be there very soon.
Once we get there, we can Mr.
West, I must talk to you.
All right.
Not here now.
Midnight at the stream.
Must be said in private.
Midnight.
Sweetly sleeps the moon on yonder bank, and there's Orion and his dogs spending an eternity chasing the Great Bear.
Where's Orion? Right there by the tail of the Big Dipper.
But who cares about the Big Dipper? Yeah, who cares? Reminds me of when I was a kid.
Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high, like a- Topaz.
Why did you say topaz? Well, does it bother you that I did? No, I'm not.
Let me tell you something, mister.
Stay away from my girl, huh? Look, when are you going to stop acting like I belong to you? What, do you belong to him already? You know, you're a kind of snake in our little Garden of Eden, mister.
You know that? Don't you agree, Bardhoom? Sure.
Everything fine and pleasant till he show up.
Ugh.
Ugh! Uh.
What's up, Artie? I'm not sure yet.
Listen, from the time I left to make my rounds, Bardhoom and Kohner continued to play their card game.
Yeah, except for a few, uh, moments when they decided to choose me.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
What about Cocoa? Has he been around all the time? Yeah, he's been, uh, playing his merry music.
What's this all leading up to? Pete never left that fire from the time he gave me the rifle today.
No.
What's this all about? I don't know yet, Jim.
I tell you, I heard a man's voice on this wagon train I've never heard before.
Well, what kind of a voice? It was, uh In a day or two, we'll be there, then we You know it.
I heard it in Markham's room.
Enzo.
There's no doubt about it.
Maybe that's what Dierdre wants to talk to me about.
When? At midnight.
She's dead.
Strangled.
Look.
No.
No, don't.
Haven't you done enough already? I? Miss Tyler, I was only trying to see if she- Can't you see there's no more life left in the child? Someone's already seen to that.
So let her alone.
I will take care of her shroud.
Mr.
Carstairs, make another coffin.
Yes, ma'am.
And the rest of you If you will see to a grave, I will be much obliged.
Artie, Jeff Smith.
What about him? Where is he? Come to think of it, he wasn't around last night, either.
Think it's possible he might be Enzo? It's possible.
Also, she may have been Topaz.
Mm-hm, he could have killed her if he thought she was leading us to him.
Which adds up to one thing: we don't have a trail left to follow.
Mr.
Kingston, if you please.
Yes, of course.
Excuse me.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
With a sure and certain hope of the resurrection to come.
Do you still think I'm connected with a two-bit operation, girls? Well, Mr.
Kohner, I think I owe you an apology.
Oh, it's not bad.
Not bad at all.
How much of it is yours? A healthy percentage, my sweet, and don't you forget it.
Come on.
I'll show you around.
Here we go.
Ready? Let's go.
Oh.
Oh, Mr.
West.
Oh, I do want to thank you so much for showing us across country as you did.
We're very grateful to you.
Pretty fancy shindig, you know? Bound to attract all of the top brass around.
If I were an assassin, Artie, this is where I'd be.
Yeah, well, all we gotta do is watch out for Jeff Smith.
Can't be that easy.
If Smith is Enzo, he may have been in disguise when he was with our party.
If there's one thing I know, Jim, it's putty noses and fake hair.
What we saw was the real thing.
Mr.
West, Mr.
Kingston.
A sad experience, our journey.
That's a fair description, ma'am.
But now that it's in the past, I want to say, it was very nice traveling with you and Mr.
Kingston.
Goodbye, and bless you.
Drive on.
You know, that's a wonderful woman.
I can see now why the sun never sets on the British Empire.
With her around, it wouldn't dare.
Well, Artie, I can't think of anything else to do right now, so, um Right, I'll buy you a drink.
Two whiskeys, please.
Enzo, silver.
What, are you still mulling over what Markham said? Thank you.
Artie, the Enzo I can understand.
What did he mean by "silver"? I think he was just trying to give us a clue about Denver, that's all.
Cheers.
Salud.
I mean, everything in Denver is silver: teeth fillings, baby rattles, go-carts, umbrella handles.
You, whiskey.
Sir, you could do me a big favor.
No, go away.
Uh, no, no, you misunderstand, sir.
Actually, it's a very small favor, really.
Mister, I come sashaying off the buffalo flats for two important reasons: bullets for my rifle and whiskey for the inner man.
Now, me and the inner man don't take kindly to socializing with strangers.
Now go away.
Sir, I think it's possible that you may have seen my friend before.
You don't hear so good, do you? Hey, fella, my friend was wearing that hat.
Now what about my friend? Thank you, Artie.
Tomboy.
Now, as my friend was saying before you so rudely interrupted him, this hat once belonged to a man named Jeff Smith.
May I ask how you got it? I found him stone dead in the bushes on a- On a wagon trail from St.
Louis.
I see.
And you merely relieved him of it, is that it? Honest, that's all I did.
Yeah.
Your witness.
Sir, you could do me a great favor by telling me how Mr.
Smith was killed.
Well, you might not believe this, but somebody gave his neck a working-out like you've never seen in your life.
How did I do? With your answer, quite well.
Not too good otherwise.
Well We can scratch Jeff Smith as a possibility for Enzo.
Two days following the wrong trail.
Not necessarily now, Jim.
I figure Smith had to be in with Enzo.
Probably found out about us and tried to defect.
Well, then Enzo had to kill him.
Right.
Now, who does that leave as suspects? Bardhoom Cocoa.
Well.
The man I consider to be the best candidate for it, Mr.
Christopher Kohner.
The least I can do is warn the governor what he's up against.
Right, I think it's time I got rid of Jonathan Ashley Kingston too.
Oh? Who are you gonna replace him with? All I can tell you is it will be someone in a high position that can be close to the governor.
Farewell.
Uh, where you heading, mister? Oh, to see the governor.
You have an appointment? No, I'm sorry.
I don't.
Well, then, I'm sorry.
You can't see the governor.
Well, this isn't of a social nature.
Here's my card.
Look, you got your job.
I got mine.
I was told nobody sees the governor.
You can't see the governor today.
All right, well, please see that he gets the card.
It's important.
Thank you.
Luther, you know what to do with this.
Hey.
Hey, look.
Why don't you just write him a nice long letter? Tell him all about it, huh? Because that card was important.
Jim, how good to see you.
Leave it to you to sweet-talk your way past the guards.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Jim, I appreciate your concern.
Now that we've disposed of that, I want you to join a little party that I'm having here tonight.
Governor, I know this assassin is in Denver now.
Jim, you're asking me to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me.
I just can't do that.
There's some mighty important eyes focused on Denver at this very minute, and for the territorial governor to go fishing instead of- Instead of joining in the ceremony would be the most damaging thing to the honor of Colorado that I could possibly do.
I'm not about to make a mistake like that and cause somebody Oh, you two have met, eh? Come on in, colonel.
Colonel, this is James West, who does all sorts of odd, unpleasant things as part of his job.
Jim, meet a most honored guest of our government, Colonel Dieboldt.
How do you do, colonel? The colonel arrived just this afternoon.
Would you like a drink, sir? Thank you.
Your mysterious job almost sounds like you might be a spy.
You'll never know, colonel.
As you see, the colonel occupies the suite next door.
Oh, I see.
Waiter.
Si, signor? Matches.
Ah.
Si, si.
Thank you.
Prego.
Would you excuse me, colonel? Jim, I've had enough party.
I'm going to bed.
Keep it going for me, will you? Yes, sir.
Uh, governor, I'd like to talk to you about the colonel.
Let's talk about it tomorrow, shall we, Jim? Yes, sir.
Good night.
Night, sir.
Oh, waiter.
Si, si.
I'd like a brandy, please.
Si.
Artie, you keep an eye on the governor.
I'm gonna be keeping my eye on the colonel.
Something you know? It's what I don't know that bothers me.
See you later.
Mr.
West, what's on your mind? Colonel, you're a long way from home.
What brought you to Denver this afternoon? A mission Mixed with joy and fear.
Tomorrow morning I return home with my country's future queen, our own beloved Princess Silva.
Did you just say "Silva"? You seem surprised.
For the past three years, she has lived and studied here in Denver, anonymously, safe from harm.
Now that she's of age, she must succeed to the throne, once again uniting us.
Where is she now, colonel? Oh, you can trust me.
You were right about me.
I'm with the Secret Service.
At Miss Gentry's school, off Bayard Road.
Mr.
West, should I be worried about anything? No, not at all, colonel.
Good evening.
Oh, bene, bene, bene.
Grazie.
Hey.
Man, what do you do? That's a cherry jubilee with melassa? You're eyes aren't deceiving you.
Cherries jubilee with molasses.
You have to be sick in the head to eat something like that.
Sure, what kind of crazy people is going to eat it like that? It's a widow lady, up in room 58.
Why? Well, I think it's crazy, that's all.
I like to see what kind of people eat it.
Hey, let me take it up there for you, all right? Why, sure.
Thank you.
Sure.
She's crazy.
Uh! Adios, Mr.
West.
That Princess Silva? Or should I say, Your Grace? Just Silva will do, but I'm afraid I don't know you.
Oh, my name is James West.
I'm with the Secret Service.
I'm acting for Colonel Dieboldt.
He wants me to take you to him.
Oh, Mr.
West, whatever are you doing here? Miss Tyler, what are you doing here? I? Well, I teach the young ladies here.
Oh.
How many young ladies are here now? Oh, just Silva.
The other girls have gone on holiday for the weekend.
Where's the man? You mean Mr.
Bardhoom? No, not Mr.
Bardhoom.
Some other man.
Well, there's no one else here, is there, Silva? No.
You've been the Rock of Gibraltar in the past, Miss Tyler.
I'd like to call on you once more.
Yes, whatever would you like, Mr.
West? I'd like you to take Silva and leave here right now.
She's in, uh, that kinda trouble.
Oh, come, child.
Where should I take her? To the Silver Palace Hotel.
Ask for, uh, Colonel Dieboldt.
Now, Miss Tyler, uh, heh, something has just occurred to me.
Yes, Mr.
West? Yes, the masquerade was running a little thin.
How did you know? Something I should have noticed in the first place, your hands.
They're far too big to belong to any woman.
Yeah, aren't they? Silva, I'll come back to you later.
Oh! Oh! Come on.
Stay where you are.
Where's Enzo? So you're Topaz.
Where is he? Dead? He's quite dead.
Let me present our dear friend Topaz to you, James.
We know her better as Dierdre.
Then the bruise marks were real.
He bruised her, but he, uh- He didn't kill her.
Tsk, tsk.
And we gave you such a nice funeral.
You know, it's not often we have the opportunity to toast such a lovely young lady.
And with a fruit punch of such noble vintage.
Thank you, gentlemen.
How is your arm, Mr.
West? Oh, it's well enough to extend it for a toast.
Well, no thanks to Enzo.
I certainly hope that El Bardhoom spends a long, long time behind bars.
Now To Princess, soon-to-be-queen, Silva.
And to a pleasant voyage home.
And a long and happy rule.
Thank you, gentlemen.
My countrymen shall hear of your courage, but now I must leave.
Oh, you haven't had dessert.
Colonel Dieboldt is waiting for me back at the hotel.
You know how he worries.
We leave in less than an hour.
I'm terribly sorry.
Goodbye, Your Highness.
Goodbye.
Come on.
Our driver will get you back in plenty of time.
I- I find myself a little sad leaving Denver now.
Well, you'll be so busy soon, you won't even remember Denver.
Yes, I suppose that is true.
Goodbye, Your Highness.
Mr.
West Goodbye, and thank you.
Thank you.
Hey.
That's tonight's dessert.
I had it all ready to go.
Vanilla ice cream.
Cherries.
Just the right amount of brandy.
And the crowning glory, molasses.
Cherries jubilee with molasses? Mm-hm.
That's the first time I ever heard of that concoction.
I only knew one person in my life who ever ate it.
That was Dierdre.
Found out about it on the trail.
The minute I saw that ordered at the hotel, I knew it had to be for Dierdre.
Now Oh.
Well, Artie, how is it? Delicious.
I raised you, Artie.
I know.
Doing pretty good tonight, aren't you? Well, it's still early.
It's getting later all the time.
Mm-hm.
Artie, it's your bet.
All right, I'm in.
Cards? Two of the best.
Two cards.
Can I take five? That's very funny.
You raise me three times.
You want five cards? Well, I guess I'll have to play with these, then, huh? I'm beginning to think that I'm the one who should have had that talk with Jeff Smith.
Artie, everything I learned about cards I learned at my daddy's knee.
What was he, a riverboat gambler? Mm-hm.
Mm-hm! Artie, really.
Artie, it's your bet.
Well, it's gonna cost you.
I'll see that and have to kick it up a little.