Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) s03e15 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 15
Good evening and welcome to on tonight's showway?" It's not you, it's me wayne brady.
Can we still be friends? Jeff davis.
I can't stand the sound of your breathing Colin mochrie.
And the stuff's in the yard ryan stiles.
And I'm your host drew carey.
Come on down, let's have some fun.
Oh, hello.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.
The points are just like Friday afternoon at work.
It's a big show tonight.
We got a lot to get through.
We're going to start it With a game called "let's make a date.
" Ryan, colin, and wayne are going to be contestants On a dating-type show hoping to be picked by jeff Because he looks so much like paul mccartney.
Yes, and, um What we did, we gave each of them A strange characteristic or identity.
Jeff has to question them, guess who they are.
Whenever you're ready, jeff, take it away.
Bachelor number one, um They say that the way to a man's stomach Is through his heart.
Oh, and I couldn't agree with you more.
I'm working on a little something now That might help the two of us get together, Because the thing is, I mm-hmm.
Shut up! Hercules, hercules, hercules, hercules One time one time I went on a date With a little boy and I had relations with him, And he looked just like you.
Bachelor number two, um, I'm pretty special.
What makes you think You're special enough to go out with me? I don't want to answer any questions! Whatever.
Bachelor number three, Um, I like a lot of different types of food.
What's your favorite type of food To impress a girl with on a first date? Favorite type of Bachelor number one, back to you.
If you had to describe me in one word, It would be perfect.
But if I could describe you in one word, What would that word be? Well, I'd have to say That there's a whole a whole plethora of words I could describe it I didn't uh-oh.
I didn't Shut up, chunky butt! Shut up! I got a word to describe you Fine as hell! Shut up! Shut up! Oh, you want some of that? Oh, you get it! Get it! Get it! I don't know what was wrong.
I don't know what was wrong.
I'm so sorry.
Hercules, hercules.
Ooh, hercules.
Bachelor number two [ groans .]
What did you want to be when you grew up? Look ring, ring, ring.
Shut up! Shut up! Can't a man just have a oh, shut up! Slip.
Aah! Bachelor number three, how do you impress a girl? Well, first Oh! [ buzzer .]
All right.
Thank you.
Jeff, I know it's going to be tough, But try to guess who they were.
Wayne was the whole family of the klumps.
Yes.
Yes! Colin, I'm pretty sure, was an angry father.
No.
Angry guy doing what? Uh, yelling at me? No, he's taking a what When you keep interrupting him? [ coughs .]
bath.
What's a famous town in England? [ coughs .]
bath.
Take a bath! Yes! [ cheers and applause .]
I'm just trying to avoid that visual, is all.
Sure, I understand.
Ryan: Good luck.
Ryan was a carrier pigeon or a bird of some sort? No.
"a talking, wary bird building its nest Being repeatedly frightened away.
" Ryan: Come on! [ buzzer .]
[ cheers and applause .]
I mean Wayne: The part where you fell made me laugh.
I mean, you'd have to be an idiot Not to guess that specifically.
No points for you.
Ryan, points for pecking at colin.
1,000 points for pecking at colin Thank you.
I know the points don't they're useless.
Not to me.
I'm saving up.
I'm going to buy that desk.
[ cheers .]
It's good to have goals.
Let's go on to a game called "whose line?" This is for colin and ryan.
We have a game called "whose line?" We have the audience write suggestions.
We have them write down random lines.
They put these in their pocket.
They don't know the lines, But they're going to insert theto the scene.
The scene is, ryan is a heroic gladiator [ audience howling .]
In an historically inaccurate film.
You're about to go out And fight for your freedom, And you try to raise the spirits Of your panicking fellow gladiator colin [ humming .]
What's that? What's that? What was that? It's just me.
Well, don't do that! I like to get myself up for the match.
We're going to die! We're not going to die.
We're gladiators.
Well, look at you.
You're all buff.
That's it.
Keep your spirits up.
Get on your Metal dress.
It's so hard to keep up with a metal dress on.
Look.
I don't want to lose today.
I don't want him to give us the thumbs-down.
I want the emperor to look at us and say, "my name is bill.
I like tight panties.
" Put them on.
Can we have a little Can we have a little practice round 'cause I need Ha ha ha! You want to fight me? I've got a new war-cry.
Tell me if it strikes fear into your heart.
"give it a squeeze and check it's working!" I don't think you're aware of the fact That you could die out there today.
This is no laughing matter.
"give it a squeeze and try" No.
[ deep voice .]
"give it a squeeze and" You think the lions are going to roll over And have a little giggle at that one? Wait, wait, wait! Lions? What's with the lions? Who did you think you were fighting today? Two little guys.
No, no, they release the lions.
That's when the people jump to their feet And scream, "look at me! I'm tiny!" Because they are compared to those lions, And they're big.
What a stupid crowd.
You know what? I'm getting mad.
I'm feeling the urge to fight.
[ humming .]
Don't do that.
It's not me this time.
Let's go.
[ imitates crowd cheering .]
[ audience cheers and applauds .]
Huh? How do you feel now? You have filled me with great courage, Good gladiola.
And if I do die in battle, Please tell my mother this simple message "the chickens are coming! The chickens are coming!" [ buzzer .]
Thank you.
That was great.
I'm going to give you guys 1,000 points apiece.
That was just outstanding.
Now let's go to a game called "props.
" This is for everybody.
Ryan and jeff This is for ryan and jeff.
These are yours.
Oh, I have a good one for that one already, And, uh, they have to go back and forth, Think up as many funny things as they can with these props.
I'll buzz them in between.
Whenever you're ready, start, ryan and jeff.
Th escalator doesn't go anywhere.
[ buzzer .]
We're going to have enough moonshine For seven years, pa.
[ mumbles incoherently .]
[ buzzer .]
No, I'm the riddler.
[ buzzer .]
[ imitates snake charmer playing music .]
[ buzzer .]
[ imitates elephant trumpeting .]
[ buzzer .]
Another helpin of pig butt? [ buzzer .]
Hey, you're the one who came to a loan shark.
[ buzzer .]
[ imitates hebmusic .]
[ audience members groan .]
[ buzzer .]
What? [ playing jazz music .]
[ buzzer .]
Come here, curious george.
[ buzzer .]
Drew: Ha ha ha! [ buzzer .]
[ buzzer .]
We need a smaller computer.
Shut up.
[ buzzer .]
[ humming "I love lucy" theme .]
ILoveLucy.
[ buzzer .]
How did I go bald? Let's show on this model.
You see [ buzzer .]
Yes, well, someday I'll be king of England.
[ buzzer .]
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back With more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.
Don't go away.
Everything you've just seen and heard is a crock.
Let's go on to a game Called "sound effects.
" This is for ryan and colin.
What's your name? Kevin.
Kevin.
What's your name? Tina.
Are you boyfriend and girlfriend, Husband and wife, brother and sister? Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Come on down here, kevin and tina.
Stand right over here.
Hi, how are you? Stand right on these two spots right here.
Kevin gets a free pass on "survivor," apparently.
Yeah.
Can't vote him out this week.
We're doing a game called "sound effects.
" Ryan and colin are going to do a scene.
When they prompt you to, You're going to do sound effects.
Tina, do the sound effects for colin.
Kevin, do the sound effects for ryan.
Ryan and colin, you're two jedi knights.
You're checking out your spaceship and equipment Before going to attack the death star.
Take it away Whenever kevin and tina do the sound effects.
Good luck to you, my friend.
Is it on? Yes, it's on.
We have a message coming in.
The mission is on! [ beeping .]
We're going to have to attack the death star.
Why don't we checkut our equipment? Test out your sabers.
Turn them on.
Mine went off a little early And cut off my leg.
Here, I'll use my jedi powers.
Thank you, my friend.
I'm going to try mine.
Boom! It's such a happy saber.
We haven't got time for that.
Into the ship.
[ beeps and whirs .]
Hang on.
There's going to be some force Behind this takeoff.
Shouldn't we try all these little buttons? Are you out of your mind? I want to try the little buttons! Tina: Boop! Boop! Boop! All the boops are fine.
All right.
[ laughing .]
Are you ready, my friend? I'm ready, my friend.
3, 2, 1.
[ humming .]
We lost the back end.
[ humming .]
Keep an eye out.
Asteroid.
I beg your pardon.
No, asteroid.
We're going to blow it up and see what's behind it.
[ feeble beeping .]
You're out of ammo! You're out of ammo! How can you be out of ammo on a laser-guided ship? I don't know the science.
[ beeping .]
I'm going to use this big gun.
This what? This big gun.
Tina: Ha ha ha! Luckily, I put the silencer on.
Well, take it off.
We haven't got much time.
Shield your ears.
This is going to be loud.
Tina: Ka-boom! [ buzzer .]
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was very nice.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Wonderful sound effects.
Ka-boom.
[ laughing .]
Hey, we have a new nickname for tina.
Now we're going to do a game called "duet.
" This if for jeff and wayne, With laura hall and linda taylor.
Raise your hand if you think you have a weird job.
If you have a weird job, raise your hand.
What's your job? Yeah, if you have a weird job.
Well, what is it? Dental hygiene? What's your name? Timori.
Timori? Well, you have a weird name.
Come on out here, timori.
Hey, timori.
Welcome.
That's timori.
She's a dental hygienist.
Timori? Timori.
Child of the '60s, evidently.
You're going to sing a song to timori, But I'd like you to do it in the style of gospel.
Sing a gospel song to timori.
Take it away whenever you're ready.
[ playing gospel .]
I'd like to thank everybody for showing up today.
We've got a special sister with us.
Her name is timori.
She's kind of glimmery and shimmery.
Open up our books now to second timori And read verses seven through eight.
Man: I know that's right! I heard you! now, let me tell you 'bout a girl named timori she can fill your every cavity let me tell you, man, she's the best what do you prescribe? Do you like crest? Hey! now, when she gets you in her chair she'll say, "this will hurt just a bit" she'll lean you to that little bowl she'll say, "bend over and spit" oh, baby, she'll take you on a magic ride when she gives your teeth that fluoride now, now, timori timori timori timori, well, well, yeah she'll take you, fold you over put the straps on, then the needle and administer novocain oh, lord, show your light make our teeth nice and bright oh, timori yeah Both: timori yeah, yeah Thank you, timori.
Timori.
Thank you very much, timori.
Whoo! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Don't go away.
We'll be right back right after this.
welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner jeff davis.
Congratulations.
As punishment, the rest of us get to do A little thing for you called the "hoedown" With laura hall on the piano.
Laura hall.
What I need from the audience Is a suggestion of a good place to go on vacation.
[ audience shouting .]
The beach.
We're going to do a hoedown about the beach.
Whenever you're ready, laura hall, take it away.
[ playing hoedown music .]
when I want a vacation, I took a trip to the beach because it was the only stretch of land that was within reach oh, man, it was great you understand when I went, I was as light as him now I'm a dark man well, I went to the beach last week I really caused a panic people jumping from their blankets falling off their hammock man, they were yelling they were screaming at me I guess I shouldn't have worn my tiny thong bikini I went to the beach because I'm really pale I was skinny-dipping with my pet a great white whale I was out in the sun too long I got really sick boy, it was so horrible I burnt my moby dick I went to the beach with drew and, boy, was it fun he took off his shirt and everybody else was done we got a place there, apartment that we leased he was being pushed in the water by some guys from greenpeace some guys from greenpeace I went to the beach We'll be right back right after this.
Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight colin is going to read the credits.
I want you to read the credits sinc by Gus
Can we still be friends? Jeff davis.
I can't stand the sound of your breathing Colin mochrie.
And the stuff's in the yard ryan stiles.
And I'm your host drew carey.
Come on down, let's have some fun.
Oh, hello.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.
The points are just like Friday afternoon at work.
It's a big show tonight.
We got a lot to get through.
We're going to start it With a game called "let's make a date.
" Ryan, colin, and wayne are going to be contestants On a dating-type show hoping to be picked by jeff Because he looks so much like paul mccartney.
Yes, and, um What we did, we gave each of them A strange characteristic or identity.
Jeff has to question them, guess who they are.
Whenever you're ready, jeff, take it away.
Bachelor number one, um They say that the way to a man's stomach Is through his heart.
Oh, and I couldn't agree with you more.
I'm working on a little something now That might help the two of us get together, Because the thing is, I mm-hmm.
Shut up! Hercules, hercules, hercules, hercules One time one time I went on a date With a little boy and I had relations with him, And he looked just like you.
Bachelor number two, um, I'm pretty special.
What makes you think You're special enough to go out with me? I don't want to answer any questions! Whatever.
Bachelor number three, Um, I like a lot of different types of food.
What's your favorite type of food To impress a girl with on a first date? Favorite type of Bachelor number one, back to you.
If you had to describe me in one word, It would be perfect.
But if I could describe you in one word, What would that word be? Well, I'd have to say That there's a whole a whole plethora of words I could describe it I didn't uh-oh.
I didn't Shut up, chunky butt! Shut up! I got a word to describe you Fine as hell! Shut up! Shut up! Oh, you want some of that? Oh, you get it! Get it! Get it! I don't know what was wrong.
I don't know what was wrong.
I'm so sorry.
Hercules, hercules.
Ooh, hercules.
Bachelor number two [ groans .]
What did you want to be when you grew up? Look ring, ring, ring.
Shut up! Shut up! Can't a man just have a oh, shut up! Slip.
Aah! Bachelor number three, how do you impress a girl? Well, first Oh! [ buzzer .]
All right.
Thank you.
Jeff, I know it's going to be tough, But try to guess who they were.
Wayne was the whole family of the klumps.
Yes.
Yes! Colin, I'm pretty sure, was an angry father.
No.
Angry guy doing what? Uh, yelling at me? No, he's taking a what When you keep interrupting him? [ coughs .]
bath.
What's a famous town in England? [ coughs .]
bath.
Take a bath! Yes! [ cheers and applause .]
I'm just trying to avoid that visual, is all.
Sure, I understand.
Ryan: Good luck.
Ryan was a carrier pigeon or a bird of some sort? No.
"a talking, wary bird building its nest Being repeatedly frightened away.
" Ryan: Come on! [ buzzer .]
[ cheers and applause .]
I mean Wayne: The part where you fell made me laugh.
I mean, you'd have to be an idiot Not to guess that specifically.
No points for you.
Ryan, points for pecking at colin.
1,000 points for pecking at colin Thank you.
I know the points don't they're useless.
Not to me.
I'm saving up.
I'm going to buy that desk.
[ cheers .]
It's good to have goals.
Let's go on to a game called "whose line?" This is for colin and ryan.
We have a game called "whose line?" We have the audience write suggestions.
We have them write down random lines.
They put these in their pocket.
They don't know the lines, But they're going to insert theto the scene.
The scene is, ryan is a heroic gladiator [ audience howling .]
In an historically inaccurate film.
You're about to go out And fight for your freedom, And you try to raise the spirits Of your panicking fellow gladiator colin [ humming .]
What's that? What's that? What was that? It's just me.
Well, don't do that! I like to get myself up for the match.
We're going to die! We're not going to die.
We're gladiators.
Well, look at you.
You're all buff.
That's it.
Keep your spirits up.
Get on your Metal dress.
It's so hard to keep up with a metal dress on.
Look.
I don't want to lose today.
I don't want him to give us the thumbs-down.
I want the emperor to look at us and say, "my name is bill.
I like tight panties.
" Put them on.
Can we have a little Can we have a little practice round 'cause I need Ha ha ha! You want to fight me? I've got a new war-cry.
Tell me if it strikes fear into your heart.
"give it a squeeze and check it's working!" I don't think you're aware of the fact That you could die out there today.
This is no laughing matter.
"give it a squeeze and try" No.
[ deep voice .]
"give it a squeeze and" You think the lions are going to roll over And have a little giggle at that one? Wait, wait, wait! Lions? What's with the lions? Who did you think you were fighting today? Two little guys.
No, no, they release the lions.
That's when the people jump to their feet And scream, "look at me! I'm tiny!" Because they are compared to those lions, And they're big.
What a stupid crowd.
You know what? I'm getting mad.
I'm feeling the urge to fight.
[ humming .]
Don't do that.
It's not me this time.
Let's go.
[ imitates crowd cheering .]
[ audience cheers and applauds .]
Huh? How do you feel now? You have filled me with great courage, Good gladiola.
And if I do die in battle, Please tell my mother this simple message "the chickens are coming! The chickens are coming!" [ buzzer .]
Thank you.
That was great.
I'm going to give you guys 1,000 points apiece.
That was just outstanding.
Now let's go to a game called "props.
" This is for everybody.
Ryan and jeff This is for ryan and jeff.
These are yours.
Oh, I have a good one for that one already, And, uh, they have to go back and forth, Think up as many funny things as they can with these props.
I'll buzz them in between.
Whenever you're ready, start, ryan and jeff.
Th escalator doesn't go anywhere.
[ buzzer .]
We're going to have enough moonshine For seven years, pa.
[ mumbles incoherently .]
[ buzzer .]
No, I'm the riddler.
[ buzzer .]
[ imitates snake charmer playing music .]
[ buzzer .]
[ imitates elephant trumpeting .]
[ buzzer .]
Another helpin of pig butt? [ buzzer .]
Hey, you're the one who came to a loan shark.
[ buzzer .]
[ imitates hebmusic .]
[ audience members groan .]
[ buzzer .]
What? [ playing jazz music .]
[ buzzer .]
Come here, curious george.
[ buzzer .]
Drew: Ha ha ha! [ buzzer .]
[ buzzer .]
We need a smaller computer.
Shut up.
[ buzzer .]
[ humming "I love lucy" theme .]
ILoveLucy.
[ buzzer .]
How did I go bald? Let's show on this model.
You see [ buzzer .]
Yes, well, someday I'll be king of England.
[ buzzer .]
Thank you very much.
We'll be right back With more "whose line is it anyway?" Right after this.
Don't go away.
Everything you've just seen and heard is a crock.
Let's go on to a game Called "sound effects.
" This is for ryan and colin.
What's your name? Kevin.
Kevin.
What's your name? Tina.
Are you boyfriend and girlfriend, Husband and wife, brother and sister? Boyfriend and girlfriend.
Come on down here, kevin and tina.
Stand right over here.
Hi, how are you? Stand right on these two spots right here.
Kevin gets a free pass on "survivor," apparently.
Yeah.
Can't vote him out this week.
We're doing a game called "sound effects.
" Ryan and colin are going to do a scene.
When they prompt you to, You're going to do sound effects.
Tina, do the sound effects for colin.
Kevin, do the sound effects for ryan.
Ryan and colin, you're two jedi knights.
You're checking out your spaceship and equipment Before going to attack the death star.
Take it away Whenever kevin and tina do the sound effects.
Good luck to you, my friend.
Is it on? Yes, it's on.
We have a message coming in.
The mission is on! [ beeping .]
We're going to have to attack the death star.
Why don't we checkut our equipment? Test out your sabers.
Turn them on.
Mine went off a little early And cut off my leg.
Here, I'll use my jedi powers.
Thank you, my friend.
I'm going to try mine.
Boom! It's such a happy saber.
We haven't got time for that.
Into the ship.
[ beeps and whirs .]
Hang on.
There's going to be some force Behind this takeoff.
Shouldn't we try all these little buttons? Are you out of your mind? I want to try the little buttons! Tina: Boop! Boop! Boop! All the boops are fine.
All right.
[ laughing .]
Are you ready, my friend? I'm ready, my friend.
3, 2, 1.
[ humming .]
We lost the back end.
[ humming .]
Keep an eye out.
Asteroid.
I beg your pardon.
No, asteroid.
We're going to blow it up and see what's behind it.
[ feeble beeping .]
You're out of ammo! You're out of ammo! How can you be out of ammo on a laser-guided ship? I don't know the science.
[ beeping .]
I'm going to use this big gun.
This what? This big gun.
Tina: Ha ha ha! Luckily, I put the silencer on.
Well, take it off.
We haven't got much time.
Shield your ears.
This is going to be loud.
Tina: Ka-boom! [ buzzer .]
Thank you.
Thank you.
That was very nice.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Wonderful sound effects.
Ka-boom.
[ laughing .]
Hey, we have a new nickname for tina.
Now we're going to do a game called "duet.
" This if for jeff and wayne, With laura hall and linda taylor.
Raise your hand if you think you have a weird job.
If you have a weird job, raise your hand.
What's your job? Yeah, if you have a weird job.
Well, what is it? Dental hygiene? What's your name? Timori.
Timori? Well, you have a weird name.
Come on out here, timori.
Hey, timori.
Welcome.
That's timori.
She's a dental hygienist.
Timori? Timori.
Child of the '60s, evidently.
You're going to sing a song to timori, But I'd like you to do it in the style of gospel.
Sing a gospel song to timori.
Take it away whenever you're ready.
[ playing gospel .]
I'd like to thank everybody for showing up today.
We've got a special sister with us.
Her name is timori.
She's kind of glimmery and shimmery.
Open up our books now to second timori And read verses seven through eight.
Man: I know that's right! I heard you! now, let me tell you 'bout a girl named timori she can fill your every cavity let me tell you, man, she's the best what do you prescribe? Do you like crest? Hey! now, when she gets you in her chair she'll say, "this will hurt just a bit" she'll lean you to that little bowl she'll say, "bend over and spit" oh, baby, she'll take you on a magic ride when she gives your teeth that fluoride now, now, timori timori timori timori, well, well, yeah she'll take you, fold you over put the straps on, then the needle and administer novocain oh, lord, show your light make our teeth nice and bright oh, timori yeah Both: timori yeah, yeah Thank you, timori.
Timori.
Thank you very much, timori.
Whoo! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Don't go away.
We'll be right back right after this.
welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight's winner jeff davis.
Congratulations.
As punishment, the rest of us get to do A little thing for you called the "hoedown" With laura hall on the piano.
Laura hall.
What I need from the audience Is a suggestion of a good place to go on vacation.
[ audience shouting .]
The beach.
We're going to do a hoedown about the beach.
Whenever you're ready, laura hall, take it away.
[ playing hoedown music .]
when I want a vacation, I took a trip to the beach because it was the only stretch of land that was within reach oh, man, it was great you understand when I went, I was as light as him now I'm a dark man well, I went to the beach last week I really caused a panic people jumping from their blankets falling off their hammock man, they were yelling they were screaming at me I guess I shouldn't have worn my tiny thong bikini I went to the beach because I'm really pale I was skinny-dipping with my pet a great white whale I was out in the sun too long I got really sick boy, it was so horrible I burnt my moby dick I went to the beach with drew and, boy, was it fun he took off his shirt and everybody else was done we got a place there, apartment that we leased he was being pushed in the water by some guys from greenpeace some guys from greenpeace I went to the beach We'll be right back right after this.
Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?" Tonight colin is going to read the credits.
I want you to read the credits sinc by Gus