Workaholics s03e15 Episode Script

These are my guys right here.
Oh, it's wonderful.
- Oh, stay back! - Oh, dude.
The Booty cheeks in here are flagrant.
- They are clapping.
- Yes, they are.
I think it's time to, uh, home in on some Valentine's day dates, dudes.
Oh, yeah.
Check out this slut-tress over here, huh? Oh, my God.
Oh, man, i have never seen anything like it.
She's absolutely obsessed with the male human penis.
And that is awesome, because we have those things.
Yeah, last time i checked, i had one, this morning.
Could you save our spot, please? Thank you! Uh-oh, dude alert, flying in.
Pardon the interruption Is more than a cool show about sports.
It's also the first words you heard your future lover spout.
Yeah, what's your girls' story? Are you sponsored by penis, or what? 'cause that's cool.
Are you guys talking to us? Uh, yeah, you idiot.
Of course we are.
I feel like some intros are in order.
This rock star to my l-izz-eft is Bl-izz-ake.
And Blizz be sporting one of the most deep-throatable "lap hogs-sah" in this piece.
Fantastic.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, can't get it out! We call that the "German house music" right there.
And this tall drink of champagne over here is the homey Andre.
He will lap you up.
Like a dog drinking water.
Oh, he's thirsty.
Oh, he's thirsty.
Last, but definitely not gay Straight dude.
My main man Airwolf, aka Adam.
He's the kind of guy that you don't want to bring home to mom.
Tell 'em why.
'cause I'll fuck your mom.
Ah Ow! Ow! I don't get it.
I felt like i played that exactly right.
And she stabbed me in the head.
What can i say? Another Valentine's day with my boys, eating heart-shaped pizza from Rancho Cucapizza.
- Yummy.
- Oh! Guys, we should be eating Rancho Cuca-penoche.
Mm-hmm.
And we did not rehearse that Lisa Loeb song for five hours not to serenade our Valentine's day dates, dudes.
This is making me sad and i hate being sad.
Let's go do something un-sad.
Like watching pornog together on the big screen.
That sounds awesome.
No! Don't you understand? Porno's the reason we don't know how to talk to girls.
What? - Pornog - Thank you.
Is the reason we don't know how to talk to girls anymore.
Okay, it's melted our brains into Porn juice or something, i don't know.
But we got to meet real chicks or else we're never gonna be real men.
Okay, sure.
But where are you supposed to meet real chicks with 48 hours until the big day? Realchixxxchat.
com.
Webcam girls? Come on.
- This is pornog, right? - Mm-mm.
These are real girls that happen to be online, right? Looking for real guys like us in the real world.
Yeah, they're real chicks, they're just sitting there.
Sometimes they're eating food, sometimes they're masturbating.
Plus these real chicks are going solo.
Everybody knows it takes two to porno.
- Pardon me, pornog, Blake.
- Oh, thank you.
Holy wobbly-woos.
We got bb-dubs.
Look out.
We got some dominatrix.
- Muscle babes.
- I'm into that.
I like vascularity in the breasts.
Oh, check out this girl with the Tina fey glasses.
I wouldn't mind getting in her bossy pants.
Stylish, sophisticated.
Says her name is Justanna.
Ooh.
Tokens, we love tokens.
She's magnificent! You know what feels really good? Tokens.
She's breathtaking.
She's slapping her pussy elegantly.
Wow, look at all the dudes in this room.
It's a packed house, check it out.
They're all checking a load of her.
I just painted this one, because i love beautiful lookout points.
Zoiks! She's an art babe! Methinks I'm in love.
Ooh, thanks for the tip, kevinjamesfan6.
Oh, God! These guys are animals.
The next guy to go private gets to see me paint a masterpiece.
- Go private.
- Wait.
It's credit card only though.
I don't care.
I'm on it, boys.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's okay, yeah, baby.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait - Saving her life.
Before we take the honor of going private with Justanna, i wanna make it clear that we do not crank down under any circumstances.
We will treat her like a lady.
We will treat her like a real chick.
You know, but what is the definition of "cranking down"? The definition of "cranking down" is grabbing your penis and thrusting it until you climax.
Grabbing your penis and thrusting it? Sure.
- Cool, cool.
- I promise.
Here we go.
Ooh, hey, boys.
Hey! Wow, three boys? So much to love.
Tell me about yourselves.
Well, i feel the easiest way to do that would be and a three, and a two, and a you say i only hear what i want to i don't listen hard i don't pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere i don't understand, if you really care I'm only hearing negative, no, no, no, no Here's my trick.
It is called "Rocking our baby.
" That's our baby right there.
And i drop the baby, and then i catch it.
- I will be a great dad.
- Whoo! I mean, as soon as you have him treating you that way abusive you get the heck out of there.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- No.
What? - Aren't we done? It's not that bad, i guess.
I love you so much.
Oh, oh! you say i only hear what i want to Stay.
And we'll be back with more Workaholics.
Who's crying? Hey, whoa, whoa, hey, hands where i can see 'em, man.
We said no cranking down! That's part of the agreement.
I'm not cranking down! What the hell's going on in here? Oh, he's trying to hands-free ejack! - What? - Yeah.
We watched some yoga guy do it in a video the other day.
This is legal.
I'm not using hands.
We said cranking down.
No, no, not legal.
Slack your bone now, Adam.
I will tell myself when to slack my bone.
I'll slack it for you! Oh, you're gonna slack it for me? Hey, morning, boys.
Hey! Must have fallen asleep.
Have you guys been watching me all night? Yeah, well, these two bozos fell asleep, but I watched you all night long.
That's sweet.
- I dreamt about you.
- Yeah.
Anyway, i made you breakfast.
I got some toast, some Beerios, extra carbs for masturbating all day.
You guys are the best, i mean it.
We're feeling you too.
So we're gonna go, 'cause we got work, we're gonna be late.
I'm glad you enjoyed breakfast.
See ya.
We got computers at work, we'll see you in 30.
I don't get it.
Why would realchixxxchat be a forbidden website? Makes no sense.
The company's only supposed to block pornog.
Does the name realchixxxchat even sound remotely like a porno site? What next? He's gonna block Google? Because there's two "o"s, and they look like breasts? That doesn't make any sense.
You can watch all kinds of stuff.
Yes, lord knows, last week, all we were doing all day was watching breast-feeding videos.
And those Brazilian kids that were dancing behind each other.
They were like five years old.
Justanna, right now, is going private with a ton of dudes.
Probably rich dudes who are wearing Aristotle and Ambercrombie & Fidge.
And we're just sitting here all merona-ed out.
Okay, she's a real chick.
So we need to treat her like a real chick and force her to love us.
- Sure, yeah.
- Thank you.
I got it.
But, dude, we can't flex on fools, if we can't even log on.
Alice's computer accesses pornog.
How do you know that? Because sometimes I masturbate in her office.
Alice, you're not gonna believe this.
We just saw your ex-husband in the parking lot.
Ooh! For Valentine's day? That is so cute.
My ex is in the parking lot? Yeah.
And he's asking for you.
He mentioned he had a surprise.
It's flowers.
For Valentine's day! Oh, my God! - It makes so much sense! - There are flowers.
I haven't seen that jerk in, like, four years.
I wonder who died.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- He probably still loves you.
- Yeah.
See what go, go, go, go.
Justanna better not be showing her milk missiles to the whole goddamn world.
Men can be such creeps.
Maybe i should go on first, alone.
Mmmmaybe i should probably go on first, to protect her from assholes like kevinjamesfan6.
- Hmm, no, no.
- Excuse me! - Hmm, no, okay? - Pardon me.
- Pardon moi, all right? - Pardon me.
'cause i think i should take the lead here, boys, because i did mention that i had a question about art.
Hey! Look who's just in time to see me slap it! Hey! Okay, okay.
I took my time to create a composite of both of our faces, so we can see what our child would look like.
Bad dad.
I'm calling him Justsven.
He's got your eyes and my mouth.
Oh, very homely.
Bad genes, bad genes.
Oh, I've always wanted a little boy.
Well, you got one! He's got your eyes.
And also, I'd love to take you to lookout point of Rancho Cucamonga.
- Okay, excuse me.
- Romantic.
Actually, we said one topic per.
- So it's my turn.
- It's romantic.
And i would like to ask you to wobble your noobs back and forth, so i can ejaculate in my pants.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hold your "horse-ti-cles," okay? We said no masturbating! I'm not masturbating.
And actually we said, "no cranking down.
" And I'm not cranking down.
I'm just trying to secrete my love to you - Stop it.
- Without using hands.
That's enough.
And that's not creepy.
Go ahead and put your blouse back on, hon.
I have a question about art.
Okay? Will you paint me nude? All right, all right, that actually could be the one I'm doing.
Stop it! You're really here.
Look, you hurt me really bad, but I'm willing to give you another cha you're my secret admirer? Game on.
Does this body work for you? It's actually very hard.
- It's very hard.
- My body, your face.
Oop! Oh, it's so ohh i turned the radio on i turned the radio up and this woman was singing my That is enough.
'cause That was not my ex-husband.
You know, i thought that he looked a lot like bill.
I was like, "her ex-husband looks a lot like bill.
" - I just put it together.
- Yeah.
Jillian! She pranked us.
We all just got joshed.
I do not appreciate it when people fuck with my personal life.
Now clock out and go home! So you think i was naive - Now! - Okay, totally.
Very sorry, all right.
I can't believe i didn't get to say good-bye.
Didn't say dude, we almost lost our jobs today.
Um, i don't think we should be having this conversation without Justanna.
No, we should not, okay? We need to actually just stop this whole Justanna addiction.
I'm sorry, but someone's got to be the adult here.
Where are you going? I'm going for a rip on my Bianchi.
What's it look like? I got to blow some steam off.
So what? You just take a dump on my dreams, then you leave? It's what i do best.
That guy.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Let's go - Get his laptop.
- Make a salami sandwich.
You know, it's crazy, from up here, Rancho Cucamonga seems like a small town.
You know, someday, this city could be all ours? Oh, it's just so beautiful up here, Anders.
Actually, um I've got a hard on.
Oh, well, then why don't you pull it out and stroke it and I'll turn my pussy into a glove.
Okay, all right.
God, you're such a real chick.
I love it.
Now, if we do this, i would love for you to call me your fav.
Call me Dave, your fav.
No, David, your favor-ID.
- Hey, David! - What? Okay, say I'm your Valentine.
We knew you'd be at lookout point.
How cliche can you get, you backstabbing slut? Oh, you said no cranking down.
You're such a hypothetical.
You're a hypothetic.
Yep, and disgusting.
Hey, guys, i told him to pull it out.
Hey, Justanna, the men are talking.
So that whole song and dance about breaking up was all a bunch of baloney sandwich meat? - It's my laptop! - Your laptop? - It's my laptop.
- Your laptop? More like, soar, laptop! Justanna! What have you done? I immediately regret doing that.
- I'm sorry about that.
- Look at us! We're supposed to be in this together! Hey, dorks! Shut up! I'm trying to finish this "v" day with a BJ! High school BJs, dude.
Miss 'em.
I got like I never got one.
That's what time travel is gonna be for.
Hey! Shh! Oh, hey, boys.
We're hoping that you would join us in real life, in reality, uh, for Valentine's day.
Just the four of us.
Wait, i just put in $500 worth of time the other day.
Why don't you just put in a little more, okay? Because i can't, my credit card's maxed out.
I bought a laptop.
What kind of Bobo credit card do you have? It's not Bobo, it's Discover, and it pays to, okay? Doesn't seem like it.
'cause you're the one who maxed it out, trying to hands-free Jack when really? That's a worthy endeavor.
You don't have the mental bandwidth to pull that off, playboy.
I don't have the mental bandwidth? No.
You have no idea how wide my band is.
- It's like a cat's tail.
- You know what? I'll hands-free right now.
Watch, in public.
- Go for it.
- Watch, I'm doin' it.
I'm at half-mast already.
- Hey, fellas.
- I'm gonna blow in a minute.
If you could be quiet for one minute, i will explode in my pants.
- Cool it! - People will see you.
Okay, there's a lot of pressure here.
There's too much pressure.
I need you, i need my dude crew, right now.
Because I'm gonna ask her if we can go private for free, all right? Just for a second.
- Just for your daddies.
- No, I'm not allowed.
Okay.
You've got to be kidding me.
What? That was fun! All right, kevinjamesfan6 says, "pay up or shut up.
Now start beating your bread box"? - Oh, you don't - That's our girl! You don't talk to our woman like that! Tell him to - Uh - Mm What did we say to that one guy? We were leaving the bar - You said - No, and i said, - "oh, suck it.
" - Yes! I said "suck it.
" With, like, three "u"s though, so he knows we mean business.
Anna! I'm being told there's someone in your chat room hassling customers, is that right? Well, block him, and get back to slapping it! Now! - Banned? - What? Fu-u-u-u-udge! Uh, Superfudge.
Judy Blume.
It's a literary classic.
So, according to my credit card bill, this is the real chick's chat office.
We just need to be some polite-ass dudes, charm the fuck out of the secretary.
Oh! She'll probably tell us where Justanna lives.
Yeah, then we can tell 'em about that abusive boyfriend dude.
That's right.
And then we can have Justanna move in with us, for at least Valentine's day.
What? You're leaving? No, stay.
No, i thought you would have left already.
I thought i could leave, but i was wrong.
Mm! Drama.
Girlfriend, please.
Have you guys seen Entourage? His name's "drama," he's funny.
I think he's, like, the funny one.
Oh, my God.
You guys.
You guys, we had it all wrong.
Realchixxxchat is like a giant sex prison.
Our plan just shape-shifted.
We got to save these girls, man.
We got to go find Anna, and then we got to open up a battered-women's shelter.
- At our house, preferably.
- I say we split up, just in case one of us gets caught or something.
I'll go this way.
Psych.
I'm going this way.
Justanna! Justanna! Justanna! I saved your life.
You're free! Run! Come on, you're free! Get out of here! Justanna? Oh, hey! Damn, girl.
Hey, just oh, I'm sorry.
Justanna? You're free to go, okay? Get out of here.
Excuse me, uh, I'm looking for Justanna.
- I was gonna free her.
- Justanna? Yeah, i mean, I'll free you too.
See, it's no big deal.
- God, boy! - Jeez! Get back here and suck my dick.
- Justanna! - Strong! You're free, go.
Go, tan! Go tan! It's still sunny out! Holy shit! Suck it.
Oh! Come on, let's go! You don't have to be here anymore.
Hey! My show! My tips! - Motherfucker! - Ow! - You get your ass out! - Ow! Ow! Oh, Jesus! Justanna! - Oh! - Justanna! Oh, my God! We're gonna come back for you guys.
We're gonna free those you.
- Justanna! - Yeah, it's on now! Animals.
Were they chasing you? Justanna? Nope.
Just me.
Great job, fellas.
Trespassing and possibly assault.
Cops will love that.
No, the cops are gonna love you.
Because you're running a sex trafficking business.
Sex trafficking? I'm on the board of the chamber of commerce, fellas.
Well, then you let her out of that chamber! Of commerce.
Hey, look, man, all right? Justanna's our sweetheart, okay? She's everybody's sweetheart.
We're not leaving without her.
Okay, I'll call her in.
Anna? Anna? I don't know how to work the phone.
So maybe we should just go to her.
Ooh, that's naughty.
You're bad.
- Here we go.
- Justanna! It's me! It's us! Hey! Hey! - Hands off! - Okay.
These guys came here to rescue you, Anna.
They said you're their sweetheart.
What are you guys doing here? Uh Well, if you must know, we think we're falling for you, babe.
Like, in the love way.
Blake, you guys don't even know me.
I think we actually know a lot about you.
There's a little twinkle in your eye, you have those cute little glasses, and the way you smack your pussy.
Okay, well, what you don't know is that three babies crawled out of here.
But what about the paintings? Your art? You can't just flush your dreams down the toilet.
The art is just a gimmick.
Keith paints these.
You like 'em, right? Cool paintings? No, they're bad, they're terrible.
It's like a stupid, dumb baby drew 'em.
- Oh, a dumb baby drew this? - Dumb little baby.
You're showing your ignorance of composition.
Okay, so we're here because you're the happiest, most joyful person that we've ever shared our lives with.
And we want to share the rest of our lives with you.
I've been in and out of psych wards my whole life.
You guys just don't want to be alone on another Valentine's day.
That's - yeah, that's it, sure.
- Okay.
I tell you what.
How about tonight, and tonight only, i come, uh, hang out with you guys? What do you say? Three giant babies crawled through that vagina hole? - Oh, man.
- Pass! And she was committed? So she's, like, a nuts person? Oh, yeah, let's not forget the most important thing.
She wasn't an artist, okay? Deal breaker.
- Not for me.
- Right, sure.
It was more the crazy thing and all the babies crawling out of her vag.
Thought she was an artist, and she lied to us.
Three gross little things.
Can we get two kamikazes? But She did teach us how to talk to real chicks.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yo! Hey, what's up? How about i intro you birds to my main man Der-kenstock over there? Over here! We call him the plumber, because he will straight fix your leaky pipes.
He ain't lyin'.
Speaking of lion My main man with the mane, ma'am, this is Blake, ma'am.
Hung like a rhino, and educated about women's bodies, like a gyno cologist.
- Floop! - That was good.
That was really good, Ders.
- "Like a gynecologist.
" - That's a vaginal doctor.
- Right.
- That's him.
I can hear that, i can hear that.
- That's checking out.
- Yeah, it is.
And last, but definitely not gay - Mm-mm.
- No can do.
- Pew-pew! Pew-pew! - We got Adam.
And why don't you ladies go ahead and give him a hand? Because he doesn't need one.
Oh, we're doing that? Oh, we're doing that right now? Bring it on, man.
I think i can handle that.
Oh, I'm at half-mast already.
- Get it, boy.
- Hoo! Hoo! Papa came to play.
Papa came to play.
He's hands-free masturbating in front of you.
Oh, it's working! It's actually - oh! - Whoa! Oh! Oh! All right.
You got me wet.
How about i return the Favreau, John? - Nice.
- Oh! - He's a direct - Hey, what are you doing? Whoa, man, okay.
What do you say we just go home and boot up some porno? Yeah, I'd love to.
We don't have a laptop, remember? Wild Things is on Starz at 8:50.
- That's a date.
- It's been a while since we've seen it.