1000 Ways to Die s03e16 Episode Script

What is this? One thing I've noticed.
You boys ready? If you're laughing, you're not dead.
Unlike these idiots.
- Watch, you'll learn something.
We got a sign spinner who spun out.
Aaah! A crooked cook who got cooked.
A golfer who lost his skins game.
A mob hit that hit the wrong guy.
A corporate spy who met his biggest fan.
And a twisted scientist Who got cheeky with the wrong snake.
If you're not laughing after all this Check your pulse.
Maybe you are dead.
Aaaah! It's the next episode of 1000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it, others can't get out of its way.
Every day we fight a new war against germs, Toxins, injury, illness, and catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, we face 1000 ways to die.
Synced by Gatto Kids, when you think about what you want to do in life, Aim a little higher than mickey.
He's a sign spinner.
It's a thankless job that pays only minimum wage.
But for mickey it wasn't about money.
It was all about the spin.
And he was one of the best.
- Sign spinning is a form of outdoor marketing.
The employees stand on the street corners With a large arrow-shaped sign.
They attract attention from passing drivers.
Just like skateboarding and dancing, Sign spinning has a lot of moves, with names and tricks.
It used to just be in southern california.
Now it's national and even international.
Showing off for a cute barista named alice.
He was hoping his spinning skills would whip her libido Into a steaming, frothy, love latte.
And then, a challenger appeared.
Raheem, known in the sign-spinning world as The dark knight.
This homeboy had the skills to pay the bills.
Oh, my god.
This guy is trash! He doesn't know how to spin.
It was a full-on spin-off.
Mickey was pushing the envelope.
Right off the curb.
Whoa! Careful.
It was only sign spinning, But these two went at it like it was life or death.
Unfortunately for mickey, that's exactly what it became.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! The tip of mickey's sign Had hit the pavement one too many times Leaving a jagged corner of exposed coroplast.
The shredded plastic sliced right through mickey's jugular.
- The jugular vein drains the brain of blood.
And if lacerated, it's often very catastrophic.
It looks gory, the patients panic.
Shock is usually caused by exsanguination, or bleeding out.
That is the mode of death.
Mickey could spin the heck out of a sign.
Too bad he didn't stop to read them.
Whoa.
If he did, here's how it might have went down.
Jacques was a four-star chef with a five-alarm temper.
- What is this? It's totally overcooked! To work in his kitchen was to live in fear.
Except for faye.
Mademoiselle faye Very good.
- Thank you.
In the short time she had been there, Faye was already his second in command.
His sous chef.
But if he knew what she was thinking, Jacques would make a new dish.
Filet of faye.
She was there to steal his recipes, Which he stored on his pda, And strike out on her own.
- As a chef, our reputation is built on the fact That you have an archive of recipes available to yourself.
A lot of chefs are truly paranoid When it comes to their recipes.
Because there is competition.
But I have seen chefs going berserk about Other people snooping in their desk, and stuff like that.
Tonight, faye was ready to make her move.
- Oh, so sorry, chef.
- Pardon, pardon.
- Excuse me.
Good night.
Faye copied down what she could.
But when she heard the chef returning, She dropped the evidence, And found a place to hide.
The chef was completely clueless.
Faye would have made a clean getaway.
But when the dishwasher saw that the machine doors were closed, He figured that there was a dirty load inside.
And faye got a cleaning she didn't expect.
- This person would die from the effect of a few things.
One would be the heat, which would be 200 degrees In a small enclosed space.
The person would experience boiling skin, Would form blisters right away.
Water would get inside their body, And would burn the organs.
This would take minutes to die, and very painful.
This is similar to boiling a lobster in a pot of water.
The next morning they discovered Mon dieu! Faye had overcooked herself.
Faye had dreams of being a top chef.
But she was no child of julia.
She tried to steal jacques' recipes.
And wound up In hell's kitchen.
Coming up, a cemetery worker gets gravely ill.
And bullets are flying, but the wrong people are dying.
Beware, the graveyard of terror.
What evil lurks around every tombstone? It's The living dead.
Come on! No, actually that's A nearly dead guy named jim.
How did he get like that? Jim worked in a cemetery.
But all he really wanted to do was play golf.
So he combined work and play.
On his dead man's golf course, jim had traps And hazards.
But jim was just another hack Who showed a complete lack of respect for the occupants.
Then one day, jim had a high fever.
And blisters appeared on his arms, hands, and face.
Thinking it was the flu, he went to sleep it off.
But when he woke, his blisters had become festering lesions.
Aaahh! He tried to get help.
Let's go, come on! But he would never make it.
Jim went from the living dead To the dead dead.
When jim sprayed the grounds the day before, He was using a powerful fungicide for the first time.
He didn't know it, But he was one of one in ten people With a severe allergy to fungicide.
His habit of gnawing on his golf tees finally did him in.
- After ingesting chlorothalonil, A very commonly used fungicide, He had an acute allergic reaction to it, Causing flu-like symptoms.
The next phase is a necrotizing type Of skin slough, or dermatitis.
It's very rapid.
Within an hour, your skin can start To just slough off and peel away.
Not only on the exterior, but also on the inside of your body.
You can actually choke off your own windpipe.
And die from asphyxiation.
In the graveyard of horror If you're one of those pinheads Who believe everyone should be carrying guns, Chewing tobacco, and hunting down illegal aliens, You're gonna love this ass-wipe.
Yes, sir.
my deal right there.
Say hello to george pucker.
- We gonna go hunt some aliens, or what? - You boys ready? - Yee-haw! George is a member of that illegal alien Hating vigilante group, the minute men.
- We're gonna go get us some aliens.
- Let's go, follow me! - All right, load up.
George was addicted to his chew.
He consumed the tobacco Equivalent of four packs of cigarettes a day.
A good day for george was to drive around With his cheeks bursting with chew, Looking for undocumenteds along the arizona-mexico border.
take a lot out of anyone.
And on this day old george hit a big rock.
Ow! And bit down hard on his thick tongue.
What's going on? You've been here a while, you all right? - Oh, go on through.
I'll be all right.
But george wasn't all right.
He didn't know he had it, And he sure couldn't pronounce it.
But george had a genetic condition Called erectile glossitis.
- Erectile glossitis is a very rare condition Which can cause severe swelling of the tongue.
In a matter of minutes it can set off A very wild and uncontrolled inflammatory response.
It was like the opposite of anaphylactic shock.
Instead of his throat swelling around his tongue, His tongue filled up his throat.
And within minutes, he experienced A horrible choking-to-death fate.
- Get some aliens! Let's go! George was a gun-totin', Chewing, spitting ignoramus, Who thought his paranoid hatred of illegals Was protecting his country.
In the end, he did do his country a big favor.
By dying.
Leo and tony were a couple of goodfellas Who worked as enforcers for the mob.
- You don't think I can do it? Leo was a made man.
And he had taken junior hitman tony under his wing To smooth the rough edges off his whacking technique.
- You do your first hit, they make you.
You become a made man.
And you build your own crew.
And they learn as they go.
You can't just walk up and whack a guy.
It's not done that way anymore.
If you do, your ass is back in the can for murder one.
Today it was personal.
Vito was a fellow mobster who had been nabbed by the feds.
The word was he was ready to cut a deal, And bring down leo and the rest of his crew.
Time to go.
He's getting his car.
The two killers Fitted their guns with silencers, And went to work.
Leo fired.
But tony never got the chance.
- How did we both miss him? Tony! Tony, what the hell happened? Leo didn't know the feds had installed Bulletproof glass on the stooly's car.
The silencer slowed leo's bullet just enough so that it Ricocheted off the windshield and caught tony in the neck.
- Ricochets are a function of a number of variables.
The angle that the surface is to the incoming bullet, The velocity of the bullet, And the characteristics of the surface itself.
The bullet found tony's carotid artery.
And he bled out within seconds.
Damn it! Tony was a young hitman hoping to get made.
- You don't think I can do it? But then his partner's bullet took a bad bounce.
And now tony will be laying low Forever.
Up next, a spy goes to pieces.
And a real-life dr.
Frankenstein gets rattled.
Mark, the one with the pony tail, Is a highly sought-after corporate spy.
He's been hired to find out what he can About an upcoming corporate merger.
This information will be worth millions for his employer.
- I could never finish a sent - First thing, shut your mouth.
Yes.
It's a two man job.
But his number two man fell out at the last minute.
Mark had no choice but to enlist his idiot nephew.
- I don't want any screw-ups.
- I'm not gonna screw up.
- Corporate espionage is the stealing Of private information for financial gain.
Corporate spies are usually looking to steal information That would get them the jump on their competitors.
Secrets of value could be anything like The results of what testing has been done on certain fashions.
Or what's the next product to come out, And what's different than last years model? Mark's plan was to Plant a bug in the ventilation shaft of the hotel suite Where the meeting was to take place.
He would enter through the exhaust duct.
All tony had to do was keep a lookout.
- When I tug on the rope three times, You pull me back.
First he had to disable the exhaust fan.
Not an easy feat.
The four-foot steel blades were Powered by a 20-horsepower motor.
- Watch, you'll learn something.
It was slow-moving, but extremely powerful.
While mark made his way down the vent shaft, Tony found an antidote to his boredom.
Messing around with the night vision goggles.
Mark planted the bug.
Bumbling tony bumped the pipe.
The rope got caught in the fan Bingo.
Agh! Tony! Oh, my god! Tony! And mark's severed legs Caused him to bleed out and die in less than a minute.
- Once the legs were cut And the femoral arteries were severed, The heart kept pumping away.
And the blood was getting pumped, But it was getting pumped out of the body.
And effectively, his blood pressure shut down, And vital organs stopped working.
Because there was no blood supply.
And he died.
Mark was good at being a corporate spy.
He just didn't understand the theory of relativity.
Agh! Never hire 'em! In the late 1930s, germany was pushing Scientific research into questionable And unethical areas.
But no one was pushing As hard and as far as dr.
Von metzger.
His goal find the key to immortality.
His methods? He would experiment on freshly killed animals, And try to bring them back to life.
It was called re-animation.
- Re-animation is the idea Of sustaining life through artificial means.
By using an early heart-lung machine called the autojector, Scientists could feed oxygenated blood Back into organs and keep the organ functioning.
This was a science of the '30s and '40s.
It was all about finding the truth between life and death.
These type of experiments ultimately Led to the success of open heart surgery.
By applying electrical stimulation, And re-oxygenated blood, He was able to bring dead body parts back to life.
Or at least stimulate their involuntary muscles To twitch, as if alive.
Many in the medical community thought metzger Was going where no true scientist should ever dare.
But metzger was a mad genius, Who would not be dissuaded.
Up to this point he had only Been able to re-animate severed animal body parts.
It was only when he used a dead rattlesnake, Did he achieve full body re-animation.
But metzger got an unexpected response.
The electricity triggered muscles in the snake To sink its fangs deep into metzger's neck.
Turning the living scientist Into a very un-animated dead one.
- The venom of the rattlesnake, It's a cytotoxic, hemotoxic blood poison.
And it does exactly what it does.
It just blows stuff up in the body.
It bit him in the neck, injected venom into him.
His throat swelled up, his organs were destroyed, And he inevitably died.
Von metzger was a questionable quack, Looking for immortality.
instead, all he found was a new way to die.