American Dad s03e16 Episode Script

# Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# # I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day # #The sun in the sky has a smile on his face # #And he's shining a salute to the American race # # Oh, boy it's swell to say # # Good morning, U.
S.
A.
# #Good morning, U.
S.
A.
## - Hey, have a little coffee with your sugar.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, come on! You used to think that was funny! Yes, honey.
The first thousand times you said it.
You need to get some new material.
Maybe you need to forget my old material! Jackson thinks it's funny, and he knew about Wanda Sykes before anybody.
Okay.
Your dinners are in the fridge.
I'll be at my parents all week while Bah-Bah recovers from his hernia operation.
Mostly I'll be pressing down on his abdomen to release gas, or " fart him.
" I wish I could go with you, Francine, but I have to work.
You know, got to protect the country.
Please.
I've been to your work.
You bowl oranges at plastic cups and google people you went to high school with.
That's how I found out that Rebecca Green is a real estate agent in Chimdale! I came this close to not knowing that.
Francine, you're not looking at my fingers.
Look how close they are together.
Damn, those sons of bitches are close.
Today's the first day of spring break, friends.
Yea! And we're finally gonna lose our fear of college-level number theory! - We're not ready! - Grow up! Man, your suitcase is heavy! Is what someone less buff than myself would say.
- Feel my muscle! - When I get back.
Aah! Oh! My foot! You ran over my foot! Nothing? You used to love the crushed-foot bit.
I'll see you on Thursday.
Francine, wait! - Do you think I'm pretty? - Stan, I'm late.
Why aren't you taking Stan? Did he do something? Say you'll buy her jewelry.
He'll buy you jewelry! Jewelry! What, are you crazy? On your salary? I'm not going with her, Roger.
Not that she really cares.
Hmm.
Say, wouldn't you rather have this conversation with yourself in a motel? The place off the freeway is nice.
I guess after 20 years of marriage, Francine is bored with me.
She's heard all my jokes, all my stories.
Francine hates you.
You should kill yourself in the motel off the freeway.
- Are you trying to get rid of me? - That's ridiculous! Why would I want to get rid of you? I love you! Let's have sex! Go wait for me in the motel off the freeway.
Oh, too late.
Here we go.
Welcome, Rutgers, to Spring Break '08! Get your goody bags.
Inside are wristbands- red for cabanas, blue for the beer line.
- What's this? - Why, it's a butt plug, young man.
Yeah! Roger, what the hell is going on? Last year I was watching MTV's Spring Break with Carmen Selectra.
She was at a house in Cabo talking to this total idiot.
"King of spring break, '"they called him.
"Wildest spring break ever, '"they said.
And I'm thinking, "He's king? He's king? That spring break sucks! I could throw a better spring break than that loser! '" I'm Scotch Bingeington, the true king of spring break! My scepter shoots Chivas! And this end dispenses Ludens cough drops.
I'm fighting something.
You're having spring break in my house? Yup.
I put up a Web site, cold-called some schools.
Rutgers is here.
A bus from Georgetown is coming.
Central Virginia State.
Yes, it's a real school.
You've read about them.
Their mascot allegedly raped that stripper.
Remember? He stayed in his costume the whole time, never took his head off? She's lying.
You did this in the time it took me to walk Francine to the car? Get to know me, Stan.
I'm amazing.
- I'm wasted! - I'm so drunk.
I want to do everything with anybody! - Oh, yeah! I'm gonna hit that.
- I'm gonna tear that up! I'm gonna kill her with a bottle! Here's the margarita waterfall.
Over there's the lazy river of beer.
Oh, and here's a giant tiki statue that cries booze.
Five tears will have you on your ass.
Ten tears will have you on my ass.
Just kidding.
I'm flirting with you.
- What is all this? - Spring break, Hayley.
I'm having spring break in the house.
Catch up.
Oh, my God! This is perfect! I just finished my midterms! I so need to have a good time right now! Br- Breathe through your nose.
Breathe through your nose! There you go.
You're doing it, my good-time gal.
- Roger, there's no way you're having spring break here! - Mmm! Everyone, get out right now! Come on! Let's go! Party's over! Hey, have a little hot dog with your ketchup.
Little hot dog with your- You're funny! Are you a comedian? No.
I mean- I mean, I am funny, but I work for the C.
I.
A.
Oh, my God! Tracy! - He works for the C.
I.
A! - Whatever.
In World War II they were called the O.
S.
S.
Let's go! Oh, that's so awesome.
You, like, protect the country and noise.
You're a total hero.
Nah.
It- It can be pretty dangerous though.
I have to be in good shape.
Yeah.
Can I feel your muscle? Oh, can I pretend I'm a monkey and hang off your arm? Uh- Thanks.
- I'm Jessica.
- I'm Stan.
Are you here for spring break? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Oh, good.
You're on board.
Now I don't have to Taser you.
- Aww! - Oh, you want it? You want to see it? Yeah! Hmm! You thought he wasn't goin' down! I always put 'em down! So then I fed this Colombian warlord his own tongue and single-handedly prevented a coup.
Oh, my God.
You are so brave.
Nah.
Welcome to the Tunnel of Booze.
- In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey.
- What? Lie down on your skateboards and open wide.
That thing is so awesome! Yeah.
Had it in my storage space from when I lived in Phoenix.
Well, I lived in Mesa.
But when you say Mesa, people don't know what Mesa is.
Uh- I mean, i-it's Phoenix.
I lived in Phoenix.
Scotch Bingeington, this is the greatest spring break ever! Oh, honey.
Of course you think that.
No, we haven't achieved greatness yet, but we're gettin' there.
Hey, fatso! Get your dong out of the margarita machine! Look, just tell your mom you want to switch majors.
She'll be mad, but soon she'll realize there's worse things than having a broadcast journalist in the family.
Wow.
You are, like, super wise.
You're interesting, you're funny, and you're pretty.
I knew it! Look, Jessica.
- I should tell you, I'm seeing someone.
- Me too! I have a boyfriend back at school.
But that doesn't mean we can't be spring break buddies.
Uh- Uh, I don't know.
My girl might not like it.
Waterproof cell phone.
You're awesome.
Hey! Hey, I just called to remind you tomorrow's trash day so remember to put the garbage cans out.
- Yeah, I know.
I remember.
- Well, you don't always.
You so chatty! Hang up phone! Daddy need to be farted.
- Look, I got to go.
- Oh, okay.
Francine, I miss you.
Don't be silly.
I've been gone a day.
You know, I-I don't know what I was thinking.
- I'd love to be spring break buddies.
- Are you sure? - But your girlfriend- - Wife, and it's fine.
Besides, it's spring break, right? I'm pretending you're a whale, and I'm a parasitic fish who's gonna eat all your algae! Oh, you! Ah! Oww! That one.
I've never hooked up with a mentally challenged guy before.
Yes, I have! We're finally gonna get boob! You're gonna get a lot more than that! We're gonna take you upstairs and have sex with you.
Drunk, sloppy sex! I'm just a baby! I have to go take a diarrhea! - So, I'm still good to go if you are.
- Mmm.
Yes! I'm finally gonna lose my virginity! Carm, you made it! It's Carmen Selectra.
Everyone, hide your wallets! I'm just kiddin', bitch.
Hug me! Wait.
Carmen Selectra? - Doesn't he mean Carmen Electra? - No! No, he doesn't! Welcome, MTV below-the-line workers.
Take pride in knowing that after this show airs I'm gonna be the new king of spring break! - I can't afford health insurance.
- Thank you.
That's very kind.
Whoo! Lady Carmen in my house.
- Come on.
Let's do this.
- Unhand me, inebriated temptress! I shan't waste an ounce of boner on you! I'm going after Carmen.
#Everybody, everybody # # Let's get into it Get started # # Get started, get started # Get started # # Let's get it started Ha # # Let's get it started in here # # Let's get it started Ha # # Let's get it started in here # # Let's get it started Ha # # Let's get it started in here # # Let's get it started Ha # # Let's get it started in here # # Let's get it started Ha # # Let's get it started in here # # Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ## Stan? Oh! You fucker! You totally had me! You are such a fucker.
Stop it! Stop it.
Okay, you win! Oh, you're getting wet! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! - What are you doing, man? - What? - With this chick.
You're married.
- We're just buddies.
Splash buddies, looks like.
You were splashing her for so long.
- It wasn't even that long! - Longest I've ever seen.
Be careful, Stan.
Crazy night last night, huh? Yeah.
Scotch was really blowing it up.
I hate that D-bag, but I owe him one from when we were roommates in Mesa.
It's outside of Phoenix.
Carmen, we're ready to light you, and I missed my kid's birthday.
- Thanks, Craig.
- Wait! I only have one virginity, Carmen and I want you to go home with it.
You're a sweet kid.
Here! This'll get you into the V.
I.
P.
Party this afternoon.
#Everywhere I go people stop and they see # #Twenty-five years old My mother, God rest her soul, love her so # # I just wanna fly # # Uh, what you Uh, what you want # # Put your arms around me, baby # Carmen here, celebrating spring break in Langley Falls with our host, Scotch Bingeington! Thanks, Carm.
Big ups to my boys, Sugar Ray, for blowing up the crib, S.
B.
-style! How we do? # Spread your love and fly Yo, me, oh, my # # Spread your love and fly You and me for life # - Are you Tom Berenger? - Yes, I am! # Dance a little, stranger## I can't believe you have to leave today.
I know.
It sucks the meat.
I mean, Central Virginia State gets, like, three weeks.
Even their creepy mascot.
You got a real pretty face.
Pretty, like a stripper's face.
You like trucks, pretty face? I wish spring break could last forever.
Me too.
Stan? What is all this? Francine! Oh, it's spring break! It's great! - What happened to your hair? - Jessica frosted it! - Jessica? - Yeah.
My spring break buddy.
Nice to meet you! Jess, we got to go.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much! We'll be spring break buddies forever.
Bye, Stan.
Bye, Stan's mom! Stan, what the hell? You're a grown man acting like a drunk frat boy! - You're being ridiculous! - Well, Jessica doesn't think so.
Jessica says I'm funny and important and pretty! That's great.
But it's time to get back to reality.
What about your job? And where's our furniture? I used my vaca days, and I think somewhere near Phoenix.
Look, spring break is over, okay? Everybody needs to go home! Spring break never has to be over.
You don't get me, Francine.
Jessica gets me.
After spending a week with her, I remember what it's like to be with someone who appreciates me! What is that supposed to mean? It means I'm going to Rutgers to be with Jessica.
Wet T-shirt contest! Eh, give this one a four.
Don't feel bad.
You've had three kids.
I've had two.
Phew! Do not go on the beach volleyball court.
You hit that thing with a black light, it's gonna glow like a bedspread at Harrah's.
That's fine.
I'll just stay here and be a responsible adult while my husband's run off to live in a fantasy world with Miss Laughy Pants.
Good! Have a nice life.
What the- Who's the prom queen who can only handle half a CiderJack? Hi.
Is, uh- Is Jessica Raplansky here? I'm sorry.
She's not.
Are you one of her father's war buddies? Are you here to take us for Mexican food? Mexican food? I'll get my jacket! No.
No, no, no.
I'm Stan, her spring break buddy.
Do you know where I can find her? She has Psych 101 at Boyden Hall this afternoon.
You could try that.
- Oh, my God! I'm so excited! - Can I get flan? You think if I say " no beans," they'll give me double rice? That's what I'm gonna ask for! You know, Steve, I've been thinking about what you said.
And I'll do it.
I'll take your virginity.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
As you can see, my bed is also a race car.
My medical records.
I'm free of all diseases.
Polio, mumps, whooping cough.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
No.
Okay.
Now, if you'll just call your doctor and have him fax over your medical history we can get down to bidness.
I'm willing to have sex with you and you're not gonna put out until you see my medical records? Nowadays you can't be too safe what with all the wang-shriveling sex diseases my mom tells me about during bath time.
- Hello? - Call me back! Long distance expensive.
So, what's going on? You see that Mary-Louise Parker movie on Lifetime? - They cut her breast off.
- Mah-Mah, Stan left me.
What? He went off to chase some 19-year-old college student just because I didn't laugh at his stupid coffee joke he's told a thousand times! Wow.
Stan leave you.
- He right! If I him, I leave you too! - What? You know how many times Bah-Bah tell the pull-my-finger joke? Four times a week, every week.
And we've been married 50 years! And it never funny.
Not once.
It got a little funny about 10 years ago because it hadn't been funny for so long.
But that was only for, like, two days.
I remember that.
We all went to the lake.
But every time he tell that joke, I laugh because it make him feel good.
You laugh at his stupid jokes.
He tell you your bad dinner taste good.
That what marriage is.
Hold on.
I have another call.
Hello? Hey, Frannie, some guy's pretending to boff your garden gnome.
He's getting some laughs, but it's a little disrespectful.
What should I do? And causing us to determine that the behavior's based on a conditioned resp- # I just want to fly # #All around the world statues crumble for me ## Stan? What are you doing here? - I came to be with you.
Hi, Tracy! - Eww! Why's Tracy being such a bitch to me? Stan, you shouldn't have come here.
Look, Jess, I had such a good time at spring break and I don't want that feeling to end.
Come on! Eat my algae! Climb me like a monkey! Stan! Are you crazy? That was spring break.
It wasn't real.
Are you trying to tell me this wasn't real? I don't even remember taking this, okay? Just- leave me alone.
Go home.
What are you smiling about, Tracy? You still don't got a boyfriend! Mmm.
Mmm.
My doctor faxed it over.
Some of the pages are faint.
You're low on toner.
I want your virginity, Steve! I don't know why.
- Maybe because you make me work for it.
- Okay.
Uh, hairline wrist fracture from a surf injury.
Wisdom teeth removed without incident.
Yup, clean as a- Hang on a mo.
Says here you had an elective surgery? Right.
I had my breasts enhanced.
Yeah, uh- Sorry, Carmen.
I can't.
The first boobs I'm with have got to be real.
- Lose the balloons, then give me a call.
- You're joking.
No.
It just sounds like I'm joking 'cause I used the word " balloons.
" Francine? Wh-What are you doing here? I came to find you.
Oh, Francine.
I'm so embarrassed about how I acted! No.
This is my fault too.
Marriage takes work, no matter how long you've been in it.
I'm sorry I haven't been making an effort.
And I'm sorry that girl was the one to make you feel special.
I want to be the one to make you feel that way always.
- Francine, come on.
- What? Hey, have a little coffee with your sugar.
Mmm.
Oh, don't look.
Don't look.
It's Tracy! No, no! No, no! French me! - Mmm! - Oh, hi, Tracy.
Didn't see you there.
I was just making out with my new babe.
She's a senior.
Yeah.
Senior citizen.
Damn! That bitch's mind works fast! Hey, y'all! We've had a blast this week in Langley Falls thanks to our host, Scotch Bingeington, the new king of spring break! I'm sorry, but I can't accept the crown.
This whole week I've felt like something was missing and I haven't been able to find it.
I threw a good spring break, maybe even a great spring break but not the best spring break ever.
I failed you and myself! I'm sorry.
While our producers sort this out, I'd like to make an announcement.
Steve Smith! I flew my doctor in on my private jet, and I had them removed! They're all real, baby, so come and get it! Yeah! No! Oh, my God! She's dead! Carmen is dead! Oh! If only she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest something not real! Fake, if you will, to withstand the impact! Oh, my God! That's it.
That's what's been missing.
It's not a real party until somebody dies! This is the greatest spring break ever! I am the king!