Batman (1966) s03e16 Episode Script
The Funny Feline Felonies (1)
NARRATOR".
Morning at Gotham State Prison.
And in the office of Warden Crichton, an old foe is saying his farewell.
Oh, thank you, Warden Crichton, for all your kind words on my behalf.
You've been on your best behavior for several months now, Joker.
Mr.
Wayne and I felt it should be rewarded.
Yes, as chairman of the parole board, I've given your case a great deal of scrutiny.
I'm convinced that you've mended your former ways.
And so in keeping with our liberal penological practices we're releasing you considerably ahead of time.
Oh, well, it isn't silk, but it's honestly made by my fellow inmates.
I guess I'll have to get used to civilian clothes.
Bare With this, uh, $10 bill.
We hope you will seek a new life on the outside.
One replete with good citizenship and fine deeds.
Ten dollars.
Mm.
I used to light my cigars with $10 bills.
Ha, ha.
Oh, how about a cigar to celebrate the occasion? Well, I don't mind if I do.
No, thank you.
I never use tobacco in any form.
Ha, ha.
That's very good.
Ha-ha-ha.
You know, I sort of expected it to explode.
Explode? Oh, you must have me confused with somebody else, warden.
I'm a reformed man.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, nice seeing you again.
Toodle-oo.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, I wonder who's picking him up for the drive back to Gotham City.
Let's take a look.
You want a lift, big boy? Make it look good, Catwoman.
Pull a gun on me, the way we planned.
They're probably watching us.
Get in this car, or I'll blow whatever little brains you have out.
She's kidnapping me.
Honest.
Kidnapped? By Catwoman? Well, he's barely out of prison.
- I'd better call Commissioner Gordon.
- I'll take care of that, warden.
Get your men after them before they get too far away.
Good idea.
Stately Wayne Manor.
Alfred, plug me into the Batphone and stand by.
Consider it done, sir.
I think I'd better take a rain check on that luncheon date.
Mm-hm.
Yes, commissioner.
You're calling to tell me that Catwoman kidnapped Joker? I might have realized you'd be on top of the situation, Batman.
Seems I'm always the last to know anything.
We'll be right there.
You leaving, Mr.
Wayne? In light of the day's happenings, I'm gonna forgo my usual inspection of the prison.
- Any luck? -Well, I've, uh, set up roadblocks at all the major highway points leading back to Gotham City.
It's a slim chance, but our only hope.
With Joker in the feline clutches of Catwoman who knows what all of us may be facing? NARRATOR".
And at the Sleazy Hotel a sleazy hotel across the street from police headquarters Oh, thanks for my old suit, Catwoman.
I felt out of place in this one.
You looked out of place, Joker.
But now you're back to your handsome self again.
Yes.
Ha-ha-ha.
What are you doing? The telescopic lens on this Catgun affords me a fine and magnified view of Commissioner Gordon's office right across the street.
-Oh! Oh, so it does, so it does.
And unless my youthful eyes are deceiving me that looks like the Dynamic Dimwits in that office.
You're going to kill them? I hope, I hope, I hope.
No, Joker.
Just going to send Batman the first of several little tokens of my affection.
- The first? -Yes.
He's as evilly clever as we.
He'll no doubt figure out where my memento came from and will pay a call on this hotel room.
- Oh, we better be gone.
-We will.
But I'll leave a second token of my devotion in our place.
Yes, we have our work cut out for us, all right.
I should say we do.
Anytime two arch-criminals get together, Gotham City, and perhaps the world is in for enormous difficulty.
But Catwoman kidnapped Joker.
Maybe the fellow sincerely wants to go straight.
Mother Machree, we're under attack.
No, hold your fire, Chief O'Hara.
We're not sure which direction that bullet came from.
-Innocent people might be hurt.
-Yes.
It appears to be a message of some sort.
Holy special delivery.
"This one was just a warning, Batman.
The next one will be between your eyelids" Any signature? "Signed, a well-wisher.
" Well, it seems like somebody's interested in your welfare.
You stay put.
We'll Batcreep to the window.
Somebody lose a contact lens? Get down, Barbara.
It must have come from the Hotel Sleazy across the street.
Judging from the trajectory and the angle and figuring the wind at six knots per hour, north by northeast as per this morning's weather report X times six squared, over Yes.
You see, it came from that room on that floor.
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
Are you sure this is the room? Positive.
That's the suit Joker wore when he was released from prison.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
Mm! No fingerprints.
But judging from the familiar scent of Cat Lily perfume, which is Catwoman's trademark and that suit over there I would assume that they were both in this room not less than three minutes ago.
Find anything? That scrap of paper.
Nothing more.
Batgirl, what are you doing here? Just thought I might be able to lend a glove, so to speak.
You constantly amaze me.
I can't figure out how you manage to stay on top of a caper as quickly as we do.
Tea leaves, stars, crystal-gazing all part of a woman crime-fighter's arsenal, Batman.
Any clues? Enough to tell us know we're dealing with both Catwoman and Joker.
How can I help? Until we find something more tangible, you can't.
Well, then it's hello and goodbye.
At least for now.
At least for now.
That scrap of paper, Batman, it's gone.
Yes, Batgirl slipped it into her belt when she thought I wasn't looking.
- You think she's trying to double-cross us? -No, but she's a woman, Robin with a woman's inborn desire to outsmart men.
Tea leaves, crystal-gazing, stars.
I wonder what she'll come up with next.
Whoa.
Woo, ha-ha-ha! - You like it, Joker? -it's me.
It's like I never left home.
Oh, you certainly have an eye for decoration.
Now it's time to meet my cat's paws.
Front and center, henchmen.
This is Giggler.
Oh, it's sure gonna be nice working with you, Joker.
Heh, heh.
Oh, ha-ha-ha, yes.
- This is Laugher.
-Ha-ha-ha! I've always wanted to work with you, Joker.
It's the realization of my boyhood dream.
Well, thanks, fellas.
Keep smiling.
They're good men, Joker.
Perfect aides-de-camp for our evil crime spree, don't you think? Oh, perfect, Catwoman.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, and speaking of evil crime sprees Shall I catalog it for you, Joker? - Categorically, Catwoman.
-Ha, ha.
Then cast your eyes on this.
- A poem? -Yes.
Handwritten over 200 years ago during the French and Indian War.
I purloined it from the library.
It was written by Gargon Maltese, the famous crook and it's a clue to 1 million pounds of gunpowder he stole and hid someplace in the environs of Gotham City.
Oh, now you're talking.
One million of anything is a lot.
We're going to find that gunpowder and blow a hole in the federal depository building you can drive a truck through.
Then drive a truck through and loot the place.
Oh, why don't we just heist a bunch of dynamite? Far too simple, Joker.
And not half as much fun as being devilishly clever.
- Oh.
-After all, we're not common thieves.
- No.
Ha-ha-ha.
-Listen.
Gunpowder is what you shall find Should you have a most logical mind In riches you'll wallow If you carefully follow The clues I have herein consigned His iambic pentameter is a bit off.
- What he should have said was-- -Now, listen.
My old nightshirt will do for a start In its hem is a clue that's a chart Then from there find my crib On its side is a fib And my powder is yours, if you're smart Oh, your voice has a nice lilt, Catwoman.
But just what does all that mean? I've located the nightshirt and the crib.
Now our next move is to purloin and if possible permanently purge Batman, Batgirl and Robin, the Boy Wonder.
Do they know about that poem? If they don't, they should.
Shortly.
The missing corner of this parchment was intentionally left in that fleabag of a hotel room.
Ha, ha.
Meanwhile back in her guise as Barbara Gordon, the mild-mannered librarian The document she wants is missing but the Gotham City Library makes microcopies of everything.
- I'll take it, Alfred.
- Right, sir.
- Yes, commissioner? -Batman, this is Batgirl.
Batgirl on Commissioner Gordon's red phone? Just as there are secrets in crime-fighting so should every crime-fighter be allowed his -or her secret.
- Agreed.
I've come up on something that may help in your search for Catwoman and Joker.
Crystal-gazing again, Batgirl? This time I used cards.
Meet me immediately at the apartment of Little Louie Groovy 27 Disc Drive.
-Little Louie Groovy the teenage tycoon who's never missed producing a million-seller record? - Gosh, Bruce, I've always wanted to meet him.
-We'll be right there.
To the Batpoles.
NARRATOR".
Shortly, in the groovy pad of Little Louie the young tycoon of the recording business Who you recording tonight? You never tell me anything anymore.
A new group I just discovered about 20 minutes ago.
Called the Gotham Boulevard Off-Ramp.
They'll have the number one record in the country a week from Tuesday.
Look, I gotta make my money fast.
Another couple of years, I'll be in my mid-20s.
Too old for the music business, over the hill.
Heh.
It's no wonder I'm insecure.
- Okay, split.
-Ooh.
Ooh! What a client I got.
Little Louie, you've just slipped the groove.
Who's that? Look, if you're here to rob me, I ought to warn you that I'm a karate expert and I can hurt you.
So stay back.
Hyah! Karate isn't effective unless accompanied by yelling.
Let him howl until he sprains a vocal chord, then get him.
I can't yell anymore.
I'm done for.
All right, boys.
Now.
Hoo,hoo! Oh, I have to give you credit, Catwoman.
I expected this place to be a shambles because of a fight.
As it may yet be, Joker.
So, Batman, you found us.
As you perhaps planned, Catwoman.
The mere thought of pulling a caper without your masked meddling would be most perturbing to me.
Found us you have, and get you we will.
Get them, boys.
My first royalty check.
No, no, that's $4000.
Please, don't.
Oh, no, no.
Please, please.
You guys ruined my apartment.
It'll cost over $11,000 to replace all the goodies.
Never fear, Mr.
Groovy, full restitution will be made.
Even if it takes Catwoman and Joker the rest of their natural lives to pay it off.
I can't understand why you went to all that trouble to steal a nightshirt.
He doesn't know about the gunpowder.
- Give him a catchy story.
-Oh Well, it was all Catwoman's fault, fellas.
If you recall, it was she who kidnapped me.
You cat fink.
She told me that Louie Groovy was a hip oat and that it might be fun if we stole the cat's pajamas.
Well, you know how I am about practical jokes.
I couldn't resist it.
You must have flipped your raspberry, Joker.
How could you allow anyone to talk you into something stupid? Agreed.
You're absolutely and positively right.
Oh, I made a dreadful mistake.
Oh, let bygones be bygones.
I'd like to shake hands with both of you.
Can't we be friends? I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra.
You're being cynical, Robin.
"To err is human, to forgive divine.
" Perhaps he has repented.
I think the poor fellow should have a fighting chance.
I'll shake your hand, Joker.
Oh, okay, I'll shake your hand too.
- Another practical joke, Joker? - Not exactly, Batman.
No, it's my lethal Joker-buzzer.
One by one, your five senses will leave you then your lungs will collapse, and shortly you'll be kaput, finis, defunct.
Ha-ha-ha.
Sorry we can't stay for the big finish, Batman but I'll always treasure the memory of this moment.
Let's go.
Three beats a minute, not too good.
What took you so long, Batgirl? Rush hour traffic.
Plus all the lights were against me.
You wouldn't want me to speed, would you? Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives.
Rules are rules, Robin.
But you do have a point.
How did you know that Catwoman and Joker would be here? It's all written in a poem they have in their possession.
The nightshirt they stole and cradle are clues to an enormous cache of gunpowder.
- Where is the cradle? -In the possession of Karnaby Katz devil-may-care men's clothing designer from Londinium.
Here, drink this.
Water? Champagne.
Over here.
Oh, my head.
- We're too late.
-What happened, Mr.
Katz? The 17-year locusts have descended upon me, governor.
But they didn't touch the safe or my wife's jewels or my collection of comic books or anything valuable like that.
All they took was a little cradle that I picked up at an antique store.
Why do you suppose they did that? That is the question.
How long ago did they leave? Seconds before you walked in.
I thought you might have met them on their way out.
Do you have any idea where the gunpowder might be, Batgirl or why they might it? The poem would've led us to the clues, and without the clues, we're lost.
We can just wait and see what their next move is.
Where could they have disappeared to so quickly? NARRATOR".
Closer than you think.
Just outside waiting to ambush you.
Will Joker and Catwoman make good their perfidious plan to steal millions? For the answer to these and other cataclysmic questions watch the next episode.
Morning at Gotham State Prison.
And in the office of Warden Crichton, an old foe is saying his farewell.
Oh, thank you, Warden Crichton, for all your kind words on my behalf.
You've been on your best behavior for several months now, Joker.
Mr.
Wayne and I felt it should be rewarded.
Yes, as chairman of the parole board, I've given your case a great deal of scrutiny.
I'm convinced that you've mended your former ways.
And so in keeping with our liberal penological practices we're releasing you considerably ahead of time.
Oh, well, it isn't silk, but it's honestly made by my fellow inmates.
I guess I'll have to get used to civilian clothes.
Bare With this, uh, $10 bill.
We hope you will seek a new life on the outside.
One replete with good citizenship and fine deeds.
Ten dollars.
Mm.
I used to light my cigars with $10 bills.
Ha, ha.
Oh, how about a cigar to celebrate the occasion? Well, I don't mind if I do.
No, thank you.
I never use tobacco in any form.
Ha, ha.
That's very good.
Ha-ha-ha.
You know, I sort of expected it to explode.
Explode? Oh, you must have me confused with somebody else, warden.
I'm a reformed man.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, nice seeing you again.
Toodle-oo.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, I wonder who's picking him up for the drive back to Gotham City.
Let's take a look.
You want a lift, big boy? Make it look good, Catwoman.
Pull a gun on me, the way we planned.
They're probably watching us.
Get in this car, or I'll blow whatever little brains you have out.
She's kidnapping me.
Honest.
Kidnapped? By Catwoman? Well, he's barely out of prison.
- I'd better call Commissioner Gordon.
- I'll take care of that, warden.
Get your men after them before they get too far away.
Good idea.
Stately Wayne Manor.
Alfred, plug me into the Batphone and stand by.
Consider it done, sir.
I think I'd better take a rain check on that luncheon date.
Mm-hm.
Yes, commissioner.
You're calling to tell me that Catwoman kidnapped Joker? I might have realized you'd be on top of the situation, Batman.
Seems I'm always the last to know anything.
We'll be right there.
You leaving, Mr.
Wayne? In light of the day's happenings, I'm gonna forgo my usual inspection of the prison.
- Any luck? -Well, I've, uh, set up roadblocks at all the major highway points leading back to Gotham City.
It's a slim chance, but our only hope.
With Joker in the feline clutches of Catwoman who knows what all of us may be facing? NARRATOR".
And at the Sleazy Hotel a sleazy hotel across the street from police headquarters Oh, thanks for my old suit, Catwoman.
I felt out of place in this one.
You looked out of place, Joker.
But now you're back to your handsome self again.
Yes.
Ha-ha-ha.
What are you doing? The telescopic lens on this Catgun affords me a fine and magnified view of Commissioner Gordon's office right across the street.
-Oh! Oh, so it does, so it does.
And unless my youthful eyes are deceiving me that looks like the Dynamic Dimwits in that office.
You're going to kill them? I hope, I hope, I hope.
No, Joker.
Just going to send Batman the first of several little tokens of my affection.
- The first? -Yes.
He's as evilly clever as we.
He'll no doubt figure out where my memento came from and will pay a call on this hotel room.
- Oh, we better be gone.
-We will.
But I'll leave a second token of my devotion in our place.
Yes, we have our work cut out for us, all right.
I should say we do.
Anytime two arch-criminals get together, Gotham City, and perhaps the world is in for enormous difficulty.
But Catwoman kidnapped Joker.
Maybe the fellow sincerely wants to go straight.
Mother Machree, we're under attack.
No, hold your fire, Chief O'Hara.
We're not sure which direction that bullet came from.
-Innocent people might be hurt.
-Yes.
It appears to be a message of some sort.
Holy special delivery.
"This one was just a warning, Batman.
The next one will be between your eyelids" Any signature? "Signed, a well-wisher.
" Well, it seems like somebody's interested in your welfare.
You stay put.
We'll Batcreep to the window.
Somebody lose a contact lens? Get down, Barbara.
It must have come from the Hotel Sleazy across the street.
Judging from the trajectory and the angle and figuring the wind at six knots per hour, north by northeast as per this morning's weather report X times six squared, over Yes.
You see, it came from that room on that floor.
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.
Are you sure this is the room? Positive.
That's the suit Joker wore when he was released from prison.
Mm.
Mm-hm.
Mm! No fingerprints.
But judging from the familiar scent of Cat Lily perfume, which is Catwoman's trademark and that suit over there I would assume that they were both in this room not less than three minutes ago.
Find anything? That scrap of paper.
Nothing more.
Batgirl, what are you doing here? Just thought I might be able to lend a glove, so to speak.
You constantly amaze me.
I can't figure out how you manage to stay on top of a caper as quickly as we do.
Tea leaves, stars, crystal-gazing all part of a woman crime-fighter's arsenal, Batman.
Any clues? Enough to tell us know we're dealing with both Catwoman and Joker.
How can I help? Until we find something more tangible, you can't.
Well, then it's hello and goodbye.
At least for now.
At least for now.
That scrap of paper, Batman, it's gone.
Yes, Batgirl slipped it into her belt when she thought I wasn't looking.
- You think she's trying to double-cross us? -No, but she's a woman, Robin with a woman's inborn desire to outsmart men.
Tea leaves, crystal-gazing, stars.
I wonder what she'll come up with next.
Whoa.
Woo, ha-ha-ha! - You like it, Joker? -it's me.
It's like I never left home.
Oh, you certainly have an eye for decoration.
Now it's time to meet my cat's paws.
Front and center, henchmen.
This is Giggler.
Oh, it's sure gonna be nice working with you, Joker.
Heh, heh.
Oh, ha-ha-ha, yes.
- This is Laugher.
-Ha-ha-ha! I've always wanted to work with you, Joker.
It's the realization of my boyhood dream.
Well, thanks, fellas.
Keep smiling.
They're good men, Joker.
Perfect aides-de-camp for our evil crime spree, don't you think? Oh, perfect, Catwoman.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, and speaking of evil crime sprees Shall I catalog it for you, Joker? - Categorically, Catwoman.
-Ha, ha.
Then cast your eyes on this.
- A poem? -Yes.
Handwritten over 200 years ago during the French and Indian War.
I purloined it from the library.
It was written by Gargon Maltese, the famous crook and it's a clue to 1 million pounds of gunpowder he stole and hid someplace in the environs of Gotham City.
Oh, now you're talking.
One million of anything is a lot.
We're going to find that gunpowder and blow a hole in the federal depository building you can drive a truck through.
Then drive a truck through and loot the place.
Oh, why don't we just heist a bunch of dynamite? Far too simple, Joker.
And not half as much fun as being devilishly clever.
- Oh.
-After all, we're not common thieves.
- No.
Ha-ha-ha.
-Listen.
Gunpowder is what you shall find Should you have a most logical mind In riches you'll wallow If you carefully follow The clues I have herein consigned His iambic pentameter is a bit off.
- What he should have said was-- -Now, listen.
My old nightshirt will do for a start In its hem is a clue that's a chart Then from there find my crib On its side is a fib And my powder is yours, if you're smart Oh, your voice has a nice lilt, Catwoman.
But just what does all that mean? I've located the nightshirt and the crib.
Now our next move is to purloin and if possible permanently purge Batman, Batgirl and Robin, the Boy Wonder.
Do they know about that poem? If they don't, they should.
Shortly.
The missing corner of this parchment was intentionally left in that fleabag of a hotel room.
Ha, ha.
Meanwhile back in her guise as Barbara Gordon, the mild-mannered librarian The document she wants is missing but the Gotham City Library makes microcopies of everything.
- I'll take it, Alfred.
- Right, sir.
- Yes, commissioner? -Batman, this is Batgirl.
Batgirl on Commissioner Gordon's red phone? Just as there are secrets in crime-fighting so should every crime-fighter be allowed his -or her secret.
- Agreed.
I've come up on something that may help in your search for Catwoman and Joker.
Crystal-gazing again, Batgirl? This time I used cards.
Meet me immediately at the apartment of Little Louie Groovy 27 Disc Drive.
-Little Louie Groovy the teenage tycoon who's never missed producing a million-seller record? - Gosh, Bruce, I've always wanted to meet him.
-We'll be right there.
To the Batpoles.
NARRATOR".
Shortly, in the groovy pad of Little Louie the young tycoon of the recording business Who you recording tonight? You never tell me anything anymore.
A new group I just discovered about 20 minutes ago.
Called the Gotham Boulevard Off-Ramp.
They'll have the number one record in the country a week from Tuesday.
Look, I gotta make my money fast.
Another couple of years, I'll be in my mid-20s.
Too old for the music business, over the hill.
Heh.
It's no wonder I'm insecure.
- Okay, split.
-Ooh.
Ooh! What a client I got.
Little Louie, you've just slipped the groove.
Who's that? Look, if you're here to rob me, I ought to warn you that I'm a karate expert and I can hurt you.
So stay back.
Hyah! Karate isn't effective unless accompanied by yelling.
Let him howl until he sprains a vocal chord, then get him.
I can't yell anymore.
I'm done for.
All right, boys.
Now.
Hoo,hoo! Oh, I have to give you credit, Catwoman.
I expected this place to be a shambles because of a fight.
As it may yet be, Joker.
So, Batman, you found us.
As you perhaps planned, Catwoman.
The mere thought of pulling a caper without your masked meddling would be most perturbing to me.
Found us you have, and get you we will.
Get them, boys.
My first royalty check.
No, no, that's $4000.
Please, don't.
Oh, no, no.
Please, please.
You guys ruined my apartment.
It'll cost over $11,000 to replace all the goodies.
Never fear, Mr.
Groovy, full restitution will be made.
Even if it takes Catwoman and Joker the rest of their natural lives to pay it off.
I can't understand why you went to all that trouble to steal a nightshirt.
He doesn't know about the gunpowder.
- Give him a catchy story.
-Oh Well, it was all Catwoman's fault, fellas.
If you recall, it was she who kidnapped me.
You cat fink.
She told me that Louie Groovy was a hip oat and that it might be fun if we stole the cat's pajamas.
Well, you know how I am about practical jokes.
I couldn't resist it.
You must have flipped your raspberry, Joker.
How could you allow anyone to talk you into something stupid? Agreed.
You're absolutely and positively right.
Oh, I made a dreadful mistake.
Oh, let bygones be bygones.
I'd like to shake hands with both of you.
Can't we be friends? I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra.
You're being cynical, Robin.
"To err is human, to forgive divine.
" Perhaps he has repented.
I think the poor fellow should have a fighting chance.
I'll shake your hand, Joker.
Oh, okay, I'll shake your hand too.
- Another practical joke, Joker? - Not exactly, Batman.
No, it's my lethal Joker-buzzer.
One by one, your five senses will leave you then your lungs will collapse, and shortly you'll be kaput, finis, defunct.
Ha-ha-ha.
Sorry we can't stay for the big finish, Batman but I'll always treasure the memory of this moment.
Let's go.
Three beats a minute, not too good.
What took you so long, Batgirl? Rush hour traffic.
Plus all the lights were against me.
You wouldn't want me to speed, would you? Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives.
Rules are rules, Robin.
But you do have a point.
How did you know that Catwoman and Joker would be here? It's all written in a poem they have in their possession.
The nightshirt they stole and cradle are clues to an enormous cache of gunpowder.
- Where is the cradle? -In the possession of Karnaby Katz devil-may-care men's clothing designer from Londinium.
Here, drink this.
Water? Champagne.
Over here.
Oh, my head.
- We're too late.
-What happened, Mr.
Katz? The 17-year locusts have descended upon me, governor.
But they didn't touch the safe or my wife's jewels or my collection of comic books or anything valuable like that.
All they took was a little cradle that I picked up at an antique store.
Why do you suppose they did that? That is the question.
How long ago did they leave? Seconds before you walked in.
I thought you might have met them on their way out.
Do you have any idea where the gunpowder might be, Batgirl or why they might it? The poem would've led us to the clues, and without the clues, we're lost.
We can just wait and see what their next move is.
Where could they have disappeared to so quickly? NARRATOR".
Closer than you think.
Just outside waiting to ambush you.
Will Joker and Catwoman make good their perfidious plan to steal millions? For the answer to these and other cataclysmic questions watch the next episode.