Call Me Kat (2021) s03e16 Episode Script

1
Kentucky bourbon flight ♪
- Kentuck Kentuck ♪
- (YAWNS) Hey.
Oh, hey, sorry, did I wake you?
(YAWNS) No. Snowball
either puked up her dinner,
or she's going through
a Jackson Pollock phase.
Well, at least it wasn't
in my slippers this time.
That was a squishy 2:00
a.m. trip to the bathroom.
What were you playing?
Oh, a song I'm working on.
I want something new
for when that producer
comes to see me play.
Well, if you need a beatboxer,
I just finished Doug
E. Fresh's MasterClass.
- (BEATBOXING)
- Oh.
That was on there? (GROANS)
And I wasted three hours
listening to Melinda Gates
teach me about impactful giving.
Play your song for me.
- It's not done. I don't
- Oh, come on.
I mean, if you get stuck on a rhyme,
I'm pretty good.
Salad, valid.
I was saving it for a birthday
card, but you can have it.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, all right. (STAMMERS)
It's a work in progress, though.
(CLEARS THROAT)
A friend from way back when ♪
Who came around again ♪
I can't believe it took so long ♪
But you were worth ♪
The wait ♪
I'm a friend from way back
when. Is this song about me?
My mother says I wasn't worth the wait,
but maybe Max disagrees.
Tousled hair and shining eyes ♪
Couldn't lose me if you tried ♪
I look at you, and I'm at home ♪
'Cause you were worth ♪
The wait ♪
My hair's always tousled.
I haven't gotten a comb
through this thing in years.
Karaoke nights ♪
Kentucky bourbon flights ♪
Singin' Billy Joel ♪
Until we saw the dawn ♪
'Cause you were worth ♪
The wait. ♪
Okay, that's me because that happened.
Move over, "Layla" and "Billie Jean,"
I just got my own song.
(SIGHS) That's as far
as I've gotten so far.
- That is amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
You painted such a vivid picture,
I felt like I was there.
Because I was.
Well, it's got a long way to go,
but I'm glad you like it.
I love it.
- Hey, um
- Mm?
Since we're both up, you, uh,
want to have a little fun on the couch?
Oh, fun on the couch, I
like the sound of that.
Yeah? Do you like the sound of this?
- (BEATBOXING)
- Oh.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
- Hi.
- Hi.
I can't help but notice you've bonded
with Meow-im Bialik. (LAUGHS)
What can I say, I lost
a bet to the writers.
Just so you know,
all of our cats are
available for rescue.
If you're interested,
just fill out this application
and answer a few simple questions.
Great, I'd love to.
Your cat spends the morning on
a carefree frolic in the garden.
Later, you notice red hives
on its belly. What do you do?
What do you do?!
Take her to the vet?
Good answer.
Sorry I got all up in your face.
I just wanted to simulate
the high-intensity experience
of cat ownership. You did great.
There's a box you can check for
"don't want to talk to this one again."
Go ahead and try and
bring me down, but, uh,
my boyfriend is writing a song about me.
Really? What did he
rhyme with "settling"?
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
Carter's son is coming
over for the weekend,
so I went out and
bought a bunch of things
I thought a 14-year-old boy might like.
I didn't know the grocery
store sold marijuana and boobs.
I'm gonna be his stepmom soon,
so I want him to come over and have fun,
and then go home and tell
his mom that he likes me more
and that I'm prettier.
Well, if you want, I can help
you put the "step" in stepmom.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
February was Black History
Month on MasterClass.
(GRUNTS)
- Hey, Randi.
- Hey, baby.
Little man.
All right, I'm loving this.
Wow, okay, still going.
Yeah, okay,
not feeling left out at all.
Starting to feel a little left out.
CJ, I got all your favorite foods.
I got chicken nuggets, chicken
fingers, chicken patties,
and something called Beyond Chicken
that they said tastes like real chicken,
but it really doesn't
taste like chicken.
Just eat your broccoli
and be sad, vegans.
I was kind of feeling Taco Bell.
Oh, tacos are cool, too. Let's go.
Uh, hold up. Now, I love Taco
Bell just as much as anyone.
In fact, I'm the one who got the
Mexican Pizza back on the menu.
My grandfather marched on Washington,
I marched on Chalupa Boulevard.
But Randi bought 200
bucks worth of groceries,
so we're eating here.
- Fine.
- Buzzkill. He always buzzkilling.
Oh, no, no, I'm a part of this one.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Uh-uh-uh.
Okay, which one's the producer?
Oh, it's the guy in the
cowboy hat, isn't it?
(COUNTRY ACCENT): Sure
do like your songs, Max.
I understand your
pretty little filly here
does a mean beatbox. (LAUGHS)
It's actually Kelsey Morgan,
the woman in the pantsuit.
Ugh, damn the patriarchy.
- I've got so much to unlearn.
- (CHUCKLES)
I'm gonna take my seat.
- Wish me luck.
- Break a leg. And if you get nervous,
just picture the audience naked,
except Randi, I can't compete with that.
You got this, brother.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
Everyone has one but me.
Thanks for coming out. Where's CJ?
At a movie with a friend.
It's rated R, but I taught
him how to buy a ticket
for another movie and sneak in.
Who's the best stepmom
now, Gabrielle Union?
(LAUGHS)
Hey, everybody, I'm Max Kingbird.
Uh, so glad to be here.
I'm gonna start with something new.
Uh, it's a little different,
but very personal to me.
- This is it. This is my song.
- (GUITAR PLAYING)
I'm the "person" in "personal."
A friend from way back when ♪
Who came around again ♪
I can't believe it took so long ♪
But you were worth the wait ♪
Wow, this is beautiful.
Don't be jealous.
Just kidding, be totally jealous.
Up all night we drank champagne ♪
Dancin' in the Paris rain ♪
You're the reason, ma chérie ♪
But you were worth the wait ♪
When did you guys go to Paris?
Uh, we didn't, but,
you know, uh
(FRENCH ACCENT): Louisville
is the "Par-ee" of Kentucky.
(LAUGHS)
I want to hold you near ♪
Whisper "je t'aime" in your ear ♪
You don't speak French. I know
because in high school you insisted
on taking Klingon instead.
Takin' off our clothes ♪
In Fontaine Saint-Michel ♪
My sexy mademoiselle ♪
Huh
We never went skinny-dipping.
It's because this song is about me.
- Brigitte?
- Oui.
When Max and I were together,
we skinny-dipped all the time.
In Saint-Tropez, in Rome, at Normandy.
It was a different kind of D-Day.
I eat lots of ice cream,
but I'm still very thin.
Yeah, well, I don't gain
weight from it either
'cause I'm lactose intolerant.
(DOOR OPENS)
You're not gonna believe
it. I talked to Kelsey,
and she wants to
record with me. (LAUGHS)
Why aren't you jumping
up and down with me?
It's weird for a grown man to be
jumping up and down by himself.
Max, why did you change
the song you wrote about me
- to be about Brigitte?
- Oh, Kat, I think we both know why.
The song's not about anyone
specifically. I just made it up.
Oh, so you didn't go
skinny-dipping with Brigitte
in La Fontaine Saint-Michel?
I think you're focusing
on the wrong thing here.
Kelsey Morgan is working on songs
for Chris Stapleton's next album.
Can't you just be excited for me?
Well, it's kind of hard to be excited
when you started writing a song about me
and ran out of things
to say 20 seconds in.
And what would he say?
"Oh, Kat, I love your
fruit with the googly eyes"?
I was so excited to
tell you my good news,
and you're kind of crapping all over it.
It is because she ate ice cream.
Yes! Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
And breakfast and lunch.
Seriously, y'all, I bought
a buttload of chicken.
All right, Junior, time for
bed. It's a school night.
Aw, give him a break.
I've been taking him to
school these last six games.
Oh, it's on.
No, it's off.
- Aw, man.
- Boo.
Night, little man.
You might want to sleep on your stomach
after that spanking I just gave you.
What are you doing?
- What are you talking about?
- Last night with dinner,
tonight with video games,
you keep making me the bad cop with CJ.
I'm trying to be Chris
Tucker in Rush Hour,
you got me looking like
Denzel in Training Day.
Well, what's the big deal if
I want to spoil him a little?
I want him to know that he's
gonna have a cool stepmom.
But that means I have
to be the hard-ass,
and that's his mom's job. She's Denzel.
Trust me, King Kong
ain't got nothing on her!
SHEILA: Hello, dear.
What are you doing here?
You can't get rid of
any more of my clothes.
I never even got to
wear those orange Crocs.
I know you had a rough night,
so I brought some Chardonnay.
You do realize it's noon?
I know, I'm sorry. I
slept in this morning.
How you doing?
Oh, great.
My boyfriend wrote a song
about his perfect ex-girlfriend,
and I'm having full-fledged
imaginary conversations with her.
It is torturous for me, too.
I look this good, and
no one else can see me.
As you know, I've had a
tune or two written about me.
I was there the morning Lionel Richie
wrote "All Night Long."
And ?
And nothing. It's just hard to
work that into conversations.
Max says this is just the way he writes,
but I can't shake the feeling
that he'd rather be with Brigitte.
How can you blame him?
He's riding the tea cups
after le Splash Mountain.
Sweetheart, he's lucky to have you.
You're generous and
thoughtful and loving.
But that's boring.
I want to be sexy and
fun and adventurous.
Well, if you want to inspire him,
lean into your wild side.
Do something daring
and a little reckless.
Ooh, like Olivia Newton-John
at the end of Grease.
She got a perm, put on
those tight leather pants,
and rode off in a convertible.
That's a wild girl car.
I was thinking a drug-fueled
weekend in Vegas with you, Max,
and an open-minded
Cirque du Soleil acrobat,
but you do you.
Ooh, grab a controller.
Can't. I'm meeting a friend
at the library to study.
How are you supposed to
get better at video games
if you keep going to the
library on a Saturday?
See, this is why China
is kicking our ass.
I've got a project.
Okay.
(BOTTLES CLINKING)
Wait, what's clinking
around in your backpack?
Nothing.
Boy, I'm from Detroit,
smuggling beer in a backpack
is called a Motown Special.
Wh
What is wrong with you?
They weren't for me. My
friend Preston wanted them,
but if he's pressuring me to drink,
I see now he's not a real friend at all.
Save that weak-ass line for your dad.
- Oh, what? You're gonna tell him?
- Of course I am.
If I told him that
Drake slid into my DMs,
I'm gonna tell him this.
- But Randi
- Uh-uh, go to your room
or time-out or whatever that
crap is that parents say.
If you tell my dad, then
he's gonna tell my mom,
and she's gonna go nuts.
(SIGHS)
I guess you're not as cool as I thought.
CJ
Whatever.
Okay, fine, fine. I won't tell him.
Seriously? You're the best.
I know. I know. Just make
sure your mom knows, too.
And if you could somehow
work into the conversation
that I know Drake, even better.
I will. Thank you so much.
And just so you know, you wrap
the bottles in a towel, fool.
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
Trick question, it's both.
Hey. Whoa, you look amazing.
Ooh,
sex candles. Race you to naked.
This counts as foreplay.
- No, no, no, no. Not yet. We'll get there.
- Oh. Oh
Because it's our anniversary
that I did not forget.
I ordered your gift, but,
you know, supply chain.
Well, it's not our anniversary.
I wanted to do something
to celebrate your good news
about the producer with a romantic night
of spontaneous adventure where
- anything can happen.
- Aw, cool.
- Well, we could go b
- No, no, no, no,
a romantic night of
spontaneous adventure
that I have completely planned out.
A real adventure or a Kat adventure?
Because a Kat adventure always means
I have to look up words I
don't know, like ornithology.
Just say we're going bird-watching,
so I can get high first.
Well, tonight, we're gonna get high
on excitement and temerity.
It means recklessness.
Now, go put on some
clothes for getting cr-azy.
You really think you
can compete with me?
After tonight, Max will
be so inspired by me,
he will never think of you again.
So
Step off.
Okay, here we are.
Okay, get ready.
One
- two. I did it on two.
- Whoa.
Temerity. (LAUGHS)
Water tower?
- You gonna whack me?
- No.
We're gonna sneak in this locked gate.
Uh, whoa, rebellious much?
Climb this bad boy, take
in a spectacular view,
and then write our
names on a little heart
for all the world to see.
You're not exactly dressed for climbing.
Hey, if my mother can
do a 5K walk in heels
to support bringing back quaaludes,
I can climb this water tower.
Right.
Just get in here like this.
- Here we go. Oh!
- Oh.
Uh-oh. Ow. Uh, my hair's caught.
Well, not my hair, my extensions.
They're polyester like my dress.
I guess my theme tonight
is "flammable." (LAUGHS)
- I got you. Ready?
- (STAMMERS) Ow! Ow. No. Ow.
That's actually making it
worse. Let me just I got it.
- Okay? Just let me get it.
- Okay.
Ow. Ah.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I'm good.
What a spontaneous moment.
All right, let me just, uh,
let me just wipe my
hands off on this garbage
and then the, uh,
the fun will begin. (LAUGHS)
- Hey, baby.
- Hey.
Guess who ate 76 olives
in under a minute?
I don't know, but he
sounds like an idiot.
Yeah, yeah, that Darren. (LAUGHS)
He sure is stupid.
Hey, I was thinking, uh, tomorrow,
we take CJ to Dave & Buster's.
Seal the deal that you
the coolest stepmom.
S-So, listen, something
happened earlier,
and I felt like I did the
right thing at the time,
but now I kind of feel like
I should tell you about it.
Damn it, is Drake's light-skinned
ass texting you again?
It's not that.
- I caught CJ stealing beer.
- What?
But I promised him that I wouldn't tell,
so you can't do anything about it.
He stole a bottle of my beer,
I'm gonna open up a
can of my whoop-ass.
But if you snitch on me being a snitch
then we both gonna get stitches,
and it's a new year, so I
know you're not even close
to fulfilling your deductible.
Look, drinking is different
than fast food for
dinner or video games.
If you let him slide on this,
he's gonna think he can
get away with anything.
Yeah, Drake said the same thing.
I just don't want him to hate me.
I get it.
You're about to be a stepmom
to a teenager, that isn't easy.
This is the hardest part
about being a parent.
If they don't hate
you every now and then,
it means you're not doing it right.
Okay.
I guess we should just go talk to him.
I'll do it by myself,
take the heat off of you.
No, no, I want to be there.
So, do we use your belt or mine?
Kidding. Right?
- (WIND WHISTLING)
- Oh, wow.
This is incredible.
I've never seen the city from up here.
Yeah, and this high up, you
can barely smell the sulfur
from the tire factory.
This is, this is our home town. (LAUGHS)
Wow! (SPITS)
I feel like Beyoncé in "Crazy In Love."
I, uh,
wrote you a poem for tonight.
Just Oh!
Oh! Crap. There it goes.
You'll have to trust
me, it was really good.
I rhymed "salad" and "valid."
I don't need a poem. Come here.
Oh
My heel's caught. (STAMMERS, SHRIEKS)
Oh.
(SIGHS)
You okay?
I've never been better.
- (SIREN CHIRPS)
- OFFICER: This is the Louisville Police.
You are trespassing.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's okay. Just another memory.
We'll be right down.
Our night ended in handcuffs, too,
but not in the same way.
Sorry tonight was such a fail.
Only song you could write
about this would be "Womp Womp."
I kind of thought that's
what this was about.
Why are you trying to
compete with a song?
Because your relationship
with Brigitte was so passionate
and exciting and
chock-full of public nudity.
Well, so is a night on ecstasy,
but when you wake up
naked under an overpass,
you wish you'd never done it.
I have heard.
I'm not with Brigitte for a reason.
I just want to be exciting for you.
You are.
And if what you really need is a song
that's all about you,
I can't think of
anything easier to write.
Would it help if I laid
down a fresh funky beat?
- It would not.
- (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
I've been different people ♪
As years have passed ♪
Didn't know who I was ♪
So nothing could last ♪
But you fit in my arms ♪
Like you fit in my heart ♪
There was never a doubt ♪
You were always you from the start ♪
I didn't know me ♪
Till I met you. ♪
When you didn't sing about me ♪
It made me a little bitchy ♪
(LAUGHS)
I think it's 'cause my mom ♪
Had sex all night with Lionel Richie ♪
She's beautiful in every sense ♪
And her hair's still
hanging from that fence ♪
When we finally reached the top ♪
I felt the wind on my new bald spot ♪
And every time I see her ♪
There's always something new ♪
But the one thing ♪
That stays the same ♪
My everything ♪
I love you. ♪
You love me?
You need me to sing it again?
Every day.
I love you, too.
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH MOANING)
- Hey.
- (SIGHS)
You ever done it in a cop car?
Uh
No?
(LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
♪