Comic Book Men s03e16 Episode Script

Mike, don't you think that comic book clerks are the new therapists of this millennium? You know, people come in all the time, customers, they're buying their comics, telling us their problems.
- Elbow up to the bar here.
- I think it's one of the great perks of the job, man.
I really I can't tell you how nice it is after we close up shop and I go home, I think back to all the lives I helped that day.
You know what, I helped one of our clientele with a romantic problem.
- You did? How? - I let him kiss me.
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that is the father to the mother of all dragons.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
All right, what has been going on in "ye old comic book shoppe" this week? Possibly the rarest item the stash has ever seen came through the doors the other day.
Hey, what's up, guys? - How you doing? - How you doing? I got something here that you guys might be interested in.
Back in 1979, mego made a bunch of strechies.
And what I got here is 1979, absolutely mint condition mego elastic Hulk.
Oh, my gosh.
There's only 13 of them left in existence.
There's only 13 of the stretching hulks - in the world today? - In the world, and this is the only one that is in mint condition, and never even been stretched before.
- Wow.
- There's less of these than there are Amazing Fantasy 15.
There may be less than these than there are of action comics number 1.
This is rarer than rare.
They did a Hulk version of stretch Armstrong? - Yeah.
- Wow.
A true rarity coming through the doors.
Not like, "oh, I've seen a few of these.
" You've probably never saw one your life, - right? - Never saw one.
This thing was filled with corn syrup.
That's what they put in stretch Armstrong? You ruined the magic of stretch Armstrong.
What you're telling me is I could've made one in my own kitchen with corn syrup.
Where would you've gotten the skin though? Well A drifter, a young dog.
As you see, the latexand all that stuff, is very strong, and it's still not brittle at all.
And this is the secret.
Ultra latex shine.
Sex toy lube? I take a little of this, I put it on here.
- And see - It kind of - So you clean your Hulk with it.
- But it actually works really well.
In my office at home, I also have "Hulk Polish" and a special Hulk towel.
But I don't have a Hulk doll, so Basically, I'll do this every six months.
- It's a lot of work.
- I don't know if I'd take care of anything as well as this guy takes care of this Hulk.
I've seen your kids.
And you don't really want to sell this? You love this, don't you? I do love it, but what I brought it in for you, it's like, you know, my daughter's now eight.
I have a house, but I'm looking to, you know, build on that.
So you want to sell The Hulk - I'd like to sell The Hulk - To put an addition on your house? - It's time, you know.
- All right, man.
How much you want for it? In the collector's circle, it's estimated between 12,000 and 15,000.
Wow.
- 15,000.
- 15 big ones.
This is only one that's in mint condition.
- And you think it can go for 15,000? - I'm very sure that it can.
The box itself can go for 400, and just the directions can sell for 250 to 300 bucks a pop.
- That much? - Absolutely.
This would be the rarest thing the stash has ever acquired.
- Yeah, but at what price? - He just told you.
Oh, okay.
I don't think you guys realize though the cache that comes.
I think you're right about that.
The word of mouth alone, you know, get people in the store, come down to see the chubby Hulk.
Yeah, but does that mean I have to rub it down every day with sex toy lube? You alternate with Mike.
Would you take 10,000? Well, I've been offered 11,000.
- Wow.
- That much? All right, time to get serious.
$11,100.
I'm beating that original offer.
And you're doing a good job at that, but you got go way up.
I can't go any higher than that, man.
I'm afraid that my boss would remove me from my position if I spent that much on a Hulk, a chubby Hulk.
I think you should just continue to cherish it, bathe it.
Eventually get buried with it.
Like, you know? - Thanks, man.
- Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Well, you know, take care.
Yeah? That sounds like fun.
All right.
Yeah, I mean, we'll totally be into it.
Bye.
That was Jason Mewes.
He just invited us to a renaissance fair.
Got a bunch of free tickets.
He wants us to come along.
Remember the last time he was here? He would not shut up about game of thrones.
- Oh, yeah.
- Like, now he wants to live it.
- You guys gonna go? - Yeah, what about you? Oh, no, I don't want to go.
That stuff's corny, bro.
Why? They got shows, they got jesters.
- I'm not into jesters.
- Uh, meats on a stick.
Are you trying to sell me on it with this stuff? - Yes.
- Oh, okay.
- I wasn't sure.
- Yes.
- Uh - You know what? Knights are pretty cool.
I did like that movie, Excalibur.
King Arthur, Sir Lancelot, Slaying Dragons.
I've always said that the knights may have been the very first costumed superhero.
You're right, man.
They did put on costumes in order to do the right thing.
Technically, that is kind of what a superhero does.
You know, maybe without knights, we wouldn't have Iron Man right now.
Too much of a stretch? What about you? I mean, there'll be wenches there.
- Wenches, turkey legs.
- Spears.
Sold.
- All right.
Okay.
- We're there.
- You're in? - I'm in.
All right.
I brought something in that I think you might be interested in buying.
All right.
Let's take a look.
This is an original Spider-Man splash page - by John Romita, Jr.
- oh, my gosh.
- How you doing? - How you doing? What's up? I brought something in that I think you might be interested in buying.
All right, let's take a look.
- Ooh.
- This is an original Spider-Man splash page by John John Romita, Jr.
Oh, my gosh.
From Peter Parker, spider -man number 81.
That's awesome.
Look at that, man.
Oh, yeah.
Looks like he's evading some bullets right there.
- Yeah.
I think so.
- Maybe? I don't know.
It's actually a battle scene.
I brought the comic with me.
- Oh, yeah.
- Very cool.
- Where'd you get this at? - I commissioned Mr.
Romita to do a piece for me through his art agent, and when I got it, it was half the size.
So to compensate me, they allowed me to pick one of the pages in his inventory.
How come he didn't sign it? - I don't know why he didn't sign it.
- Think he was annoyed? Like the art dealer's like, "some guy's complaining you drew the picture too small," and he's like, "ah, just give him this.
" Top five Spider-Man artists of all time, I'm definitely putting John John Romita, Jr.
on that list.
I would agree.
Yeah, easily.
Who else goes on that list? I think dad goes on there, John John Romita, sr.
That's right.
This is one of those rare cases where you got a father and a son who are both in the industry, man, and his dad was a very famous comic book artist.
Equally as rare is that they both became synonymous with the same character, Spider-Man.
That oh, my God.
It's weird.
That's almost, like, the chances of that happening are the chances of getting bitten by a radioactive spider.
What do you need to get for it today? - 4,500 to 5,000.
- Oh, wow.
Um Considering, you know, it's a John John Romita, Jr.
piece.
It's Spider-Man.
Top-end today, 1,800.
Um I was hoping to get more, but I need the money now.
I think I can do the 1,800.
- It's a deal.
- That'd be great.
Thank you.
You know what, with a high ticket item like this, I'm gonna have to write you a check.
As long as you don't write it on a spalding ball, we're good.
Bounces.
Okay.
I don't know, bro.
It smells weird.
Come on, dude.
You're gonna see castles, you're gonna see jousting, you're gonna see guys in full-on armor pieces.
I see a lot of guys in codpieces, bro.
That's all I've been seeing.
- That's all you're looking for.
- Where, where? You're not gonna be part of this then, waiter.
Well, if we're gonna talk about the renaissance fair we might as well bring the guy who made it all happen, man.
Welcome back to the show, Mr.
Jason "renaissance fair" Mewes.
Oh, stop it, guys.
Stop it.
You ask me, and I'm like, "no.
" And then immediately, you called these guys.
You're like, "I can't go alone.
" I had some extra tickets.
I didn't want to go by myself.
I thought these guys could get into it.
I can't imagine that you're a fan of anything medieval - or guys wearing tights.
- It's not that.
You can't sit there and differentiate, like, "these nerds with their swords and talking weird.
" Meanwhile, we're going to comic-con next week.
Just get into it.
Dude, jousting, castle.
- Now, Sir Malcolm - Look at these two cats.
Now, what we need here are new recruits for the army.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at this.
- All right, perfect.
- Knights.
We've got a large man.
We have someone who clearly rode the short carriage on the way here.
It's all right.
We'll let it slide.
And we got a little girl.
Oh, is it a boy? Boys, are you up for the challenge of being in our army? - Yes! - Oh.
There's danger, and there's a very good chance that one, if not all of you, may die by the end of the day.
Are you up for the challenge? - Yes! - Yeah.
You didn't answer.
- Come on, bro.
- Are you up for the challenge? Yeah.
I can only put up so long of someone talking in that old English, you know, like, some guy who works at a gas station the rest of the week, all of a sudden, now he's a squire at the renaissance fair on the weekend.
Listen to you, he's like, some dude finds this little thing, and he's like, "this makes me happy," and you're like, "you're no knight! You pump my gas.
" Now you're gonna come with us, and what we're gonna do is get you armed up and we'll get ready for battle.
- What say you? - Yea! All right! Let's go, lads.
Let's go.
Kill, big man! Is that all you've got, little man? Oh! Why do people like renaissance fair cosplayers or the civil war re-enacters want to go back to a horrible time - with no toilets - Oh, yeah.
- No toilet paper - Pestilence.
No Internet? I don't care about the Internet, man, but if I don't have a toilet, forget about it.
You just put a sword right through me.
What if you give up a toilet, you have to go in a hole in the ground, but you're king? You can have a Jester come over and wipe your butt for you.
Isn't that what everybody wants? Yeah.
You're selling me on the benefits of medieval times now.
- Exactly.
- I don't care if I am the king of kings, I still won't want to be alive in the 16th century.
Even if you have it the best Anyone on the planet in the 16th century, you're still in the 16th century.
All right, now, boys, the next step in your training.
You're dressed for the part, and now, let's see if you can hold up.
Before we even went through the knight testing, we had to dress up, which meant he insisted on getting the chain mail, which I think he regretted later in the day.
You know, I had to wear, like, this chest plate thing.
You looked like a stove, like one of those.
- Pot-bellied stoves? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I should be sitting in the corner of some rustic home, keeping you warm.
I'll turn you over to my good friend brutus here.
- Hi! - Brutus.
- Yay.
- I need you to put these lads and the child through their paces.
Battle ready they shall be! - I leave them to you, Sir.
- Aye.
Good day, good day.
Remember, lads, in order to be the best, you must beat the best! And that be I brutus! - Yes.
- Follow me! These axes will be thrown at that wall.
I expect great things from you now.
- All right, come on.
- Come on, Walt.
Look at this, you're gonna be on the front line.
- Oh! - Okay.
- Come on, harder.
- Yeah! Kill, big man.
- Oh.
- Wamp-e-dah if you pass this test, we ring the bell! Who's up first? - Apple squire.
- Embarrassing.
You can't even get to "knight.
" - Aw.
- Next! Ah, man, you're on the front line! - Smithy! - Oh! Yeah, I hurt my back lifting white boxes the other day.
What is this white box? They're full of comics.
They're heavy.
Oh! Come on, Jay.
- Oh! - Shoo-be-do-be-do-be-do! You're on the front line! You're fighting for the queen! - Smash his head! - Bry! You got the queen! The queen! Some of you have excelled.
Others of you have not.
However, training is young in day.
You will become knights.
Yeah! If you're going to be a knight, you got to be able to take a hit.
Which one of you men has got the tomatoes to survive on a battlefield? - I got tomatoes! - You got the tomatoes, lad? - I've got tomatoes! - We're gonna find out.
- Yes.
- Come on! Oh.
- Come on, Walt.
- All right.
- Come on.
- Show him what you got, lad.
- Come on.
- Let me see that mug.
Come on, Walt! You ain't no knight! Take his teeth out, Walt.
Ding dong! Come on, this is for all the times I beat you at foosball, boy! Gonna shut you up! - I call foul.
- What What does this have to do with the middle ages, man? Like, you're talking about a time where people couldn't put a meal together, and they're like, "a true test of bravery is wasting our food trying to hit somebody.
" This is how I saw it.
You're in the battlefield and someone throws an axe at ya, tomato is the axe.
It's all training, and it's all facing danger.
"You better run, or my tomato axe is gonna 'ketchup.
'" - yeah.
- Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Get him.
- Oh! - Blocked! That's cheating.
Good shot.
This is it, Walt, make it count.
Not the helmet! Huzzah! Good day, good day.
We understand that you are knights in training and that you have been sent to us to execute your final test - of manhood.
- Knighthood.
Knighthood is going to commence with us, the vixens en guard.
We shall test your mettle.
We shall test your strength.
We shall test your hand speed.
- Yes.
- Yes, indeed.
Let's do this.
- Oh, okay.
- You're with me.
Bring it on.
Is that all you've got, little man? Good job.
Oh! Ooh.
You're harder than I thought.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, you see, it's a good thing you wore protection.
Ooh! No, you don't.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Ha! - Forget it.
- What? Can't even fight a girl? Knights-to-be, you've done an excellent job.
Passed the test With the vixens en guard.
You're ready to meet with the queen, who is waiting for you.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
Thanks for whipping out your weapons and playing with them in front of us.
- Yes, we were very impressed.
- Ugh.
Yes, indeed, indeed.
What just happened? Pyramid was a sport that they played on Battlestar Galactica, and everything I have here is actually props from the TV show.
- How you doing? - Doing all right.
- How you guys doing? - What can we do for you today? I was wondering if you guys might be interested in buying some sports props.
We don't do any sports memorabilia here at the stash.
No trading cards, nothing.
Although there's a lot of New Jersey devils memorabilia hanging about - Okay.
- That is a shrine, and is not for sale.
What if it wasn't really a real sport? What if it was completely fictional, - kind of like Quidditch? - Well, I see it's a soccer ball, so already, I know it's not a real sport.
Well, this is kind of a soccer ball.
Actually, this is a pyramid ball from Battlestar Galactica.
- Okay.
- And everything I have here is actually props from the TV show.
Tiny ball? What is this called? Pyramid.
- Pyramid ball? - Yes.
Pyramid was a fictional sport that they played on the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and it was kind of like a cross between rugby and basketball.
Seems like you got a whole bunch of stuff here.
- What else you got here? - Yeah, it's a whole set.
This is like this is the Jersey that they would That looks to me like some sort of amalgam of a hockey Jersey and - Yeah, it's kind of hockey - esque.
I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of barbs here, but I'm going to have to just flat out say.
I've never watched the new Battlestar Galactica.
- Oh! - I have a lot of preconceived notions because I watched the original Battlestar Galactica.
In a nutshell, what's the biggest difference between the new Battlestar Galactica and the old one? Probably old, corny '70s Sci-Fi versus dark, dramatic, real intense Sci-Fi.
I couldn't stand the original Battlestar Galactica.
- I'm with you on that count.
- I mean, I watched it every week, waiting for something to happen.
It never did, so when it came back, I was just like, "I don't think I need to check it out.
" The old Battlestar Galactica was essentially them doing a kind of Star Wars knock-off.
But one thing that old Battlestar Galactica had over Star Wars was they had a robot dog, remember? Yeah.
And that really captured my imagination when I was a kid, because I wasn't allowed to have a dog, but I was like, "if I had a robot dog" My parents were like, "we can't afford a real dog" "How will we buy you a robot dog?" Why do you want to get rid of it? I have a massive Battlestar collection.
- This is just the scratch of it.
- While it's cool, and I know there's a big fan base for this stuff, it's just not in our wheelhouse, man.
We just don't we just don't house props, and especially, like, cloth.
- All right, I understand that.
- Thanks for coming in.
- Hey, no problem.
- Thank you for everything.
All right.
Sorry we couldn't make a deal.
- And you guys have a good day.
- All right.
Gentlemen, you have distinguished yourself this day in various fields of chivalry and combat.
So we conquer the feats of strength, we defeat the vixens, there's only one process left before we become knights, and that's the knighting ceremony.
Knights of the stash, bro.
Step forward, Sir, and kneel.
For chivalry and honor, I hereby dub thee Sir Michael.
Sir Jason.
Sir Walt.
Sir Bryan.
Sir Ming Chen.
Thank you, your highness.
Gentlemen, the oath of chivalry is serious business.
I charge thee to always behave with honor and dignity.
Oh, well.
I'll try.
I mean, I will.
So as the guy I'd imagine least wanted to be there, will we see "Sir flana-again" at a future Renaissance Festival? I think once was enough.
I mean, I became a knight.
How do you top that? That's true, there's nowhere to go but king, and who wants that? Who wants to lead? It was fun.
And there it is, folks, the Comic Book Men get medieval on your asses.
Until next time, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Sir Bry.
- Sir Walt.
- Sir Jason.
- Sir Mike.
- Sir ming.
- We are the knights who say ni! - Nang.
- Ah, nang.
Good night, kids.