Doctor Who (1963) s03e16 Episode Script

Something's gone wrong.
What's the matter, my dear, hmm? It's stopped going up and down.
That's alright.
It means we've landed.
Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear! Yes, that scanner's not working.
Can you mend it? Yes, can repair it, of course but it means checking the whole circuit.
Right, let's get started.
Dah, dah, dah, dah! Don't you dare touch anything! Why not? Well, just look at those dials, my dear boy.
Sara? Look at those dials? Now, you know what that means? If either of you went outside, it would be extremely dangerous.
The whole atmosphere is poisonous! What in the name of? Who put that there? "When a poor man came in sight, gathering winter fu-el!" Here, I reckon we'd charm the birds of the trees! I'd settle for some from the coffee bars.
Here, what about 'While Shepherds Watch'? Do you think they'd appreciate that? Hey, no, here's the Sergeant.
Come on.
Hello, Sergeant, what you doing out here? Here, come and have a look at this.
Well! Where did that come from? You tell me.
Oh, perhaps somebody sent it to the Inspector as a Christmas box! And perhaps you'll both just stay out here and watch it? Why? Do you think it's gonna to fly away? Just you stay there and keep an eye on it - right? And just why, if it isn't safe for us, is it safe for you? Will neither of you understand? For heaven's sake, let's go and fix the scanner! No! Where you come from, in both places, the air is pure.
Outside there is the worst kind of pollution I've met in years! Right then, you shouldn't go out there either.
Oh, my dear boy, I'm used to all sorts of atmospheres.
It won't affect me.
I shall have to go out and do the repairing myself.
But suppose something happens to you? Then, and only then, can you come out.
But you must be very, very careful because And just how are we supposed to know that something has happened to you? My dear young man, just give me a few minutes and if all is well, I shall be back inside again to tell you.
And if not, we come out and find you? I seem to have been through all this before! Now, look here, my boy you will do as you're told! Now, you just open the doors and remember to close them after I've gone.
Yes, sir! Good evening.
Hey, you! What's up? See that? See what? That then! What when? That door! That door? It opened! Did it? There's a bloke in there.
Oh, aye.
That bloke with a with with long white hair.
I just saw him! Did ya? Aye.
It's locked.
But, I've just saw him! Oh, aye! No - police.
P O L I C E.
Oh, I see.
We've landed on your own planet.
Oh, nonsense child.
We're back on Earth.
But that's what's written outside the TARDIS? "Po-lice" Never mind, never mind! I shall have to go outside and try and distract them.
Meanwhile, you can stay here for a while then come out and do the scanner.
Yes, but, you said the air out there was so bad that if we came out Never mind what I said, my dear boy - do as you're told.
Now open the doors and remember to open them and shut them after I've gone! Yes, sir! It wouldn't be Father Christmas would it? All right, lad, it's a fair cop.
Hmm.
Alright, what can I do for you? I've got a complaint.
Well, the doctor's just round the corner.
No, no, no, no! I I mean, I want to make a complaint.
Oh, I see.
Well, let's have your name then.
They keep moving me 'ouse.
Moving your what? House! "They" keep moving your house? Yeah, me greenhouse.
It's the revels.
The revels? Anyone in C.
I.
D.
? Aye, it's straight through.
Good.
Come on.
Haven't I seen your face before somewhere, hmm? Where? Yes, of course, I remember now, yes the market place at Jaffa.
Jaffa? The young chap said I should come to see you it.
Do what? About me greenhouse.
It's the revels! I've heard of a housing shortage but I never knew it was so bad you'd have to spend Christmas in a Police Box.
Oh, Christmas! Oh, is it? Of course, yes, yes, yes, yes! That accounts for the holly in the hall.
You mean you didn't know? Well, of course I didn't know! I travel about too much.
And why is that? Well, a quest of knowledge, dear boy.
I mean, you have a saying in this country have you not, er "travel broadens the mind"? You mean you're not English? No, good gracious no! Scottish? No.
Are you Welsh? Oh, you'll have to think in a far bigger way than that! Your ideas are too narrow, too small, too crippled! All right, all right.
What are you then? Well, I suppose you might say that I am a citizen of the universe and a gentleman, to boot! He's having us on a bit, in't he, sir? Now, look lad And now they've been and gone and moved it again.
Oh, where to this time? I don't know.
That's why I came to see you.
The young chap I said You're sure it's not out there along beside the? Oh, here, just a minute.
Er, e excuse me? Ah, you must be the new bloke from 'G' Division, come to help us out? I I beg your pardon? I say you must be the new bloke from 'G' Division? Must I? Oh! Oh, yes.
Yes, that's right.
Erm, yeah, I've, er I've come about the old man.
Old man? What old man? Well, he was brought in here a minute ago.
Oh, he's with C.
I.
D.
You'd better wait till they're finished with him.
Ah, yeah, but I've got to get to him.
Well, you'll have to wait, lad.
He'll be out here again soon.
Now wait over there.
Now, what about my greenhouse? Oh, yes.
Now where was this you said? Well, for a start, it's not in me garden I don't think you really understand.
That object in the yard out there isn't really a police box.
No, no, of course it's not.
It's the New Brighton ferry.
It is a machine for investigating Time And Relative Dimensions In Space.
He's a nutter.
He's straight from a funny-farm, if you ask me.
Do I take it that you gentlemen are imputing that I am mentally deranged, mm? Mmm? Hmm! I told you - he's a nutter.
Is he the only bloke in the box? Well, how should I know? Well didn't you check? There might be a whole army of the them in there living like gypsies in one of Her Majesty's police telephone boxes! And just how many people would you expect to come out of one box? Where have they got to? Hello, Hello.
What are you doing hanging around here on Christmas Day? Nothing.
Surprised to see a police box here, I suppose? Oh, you think it's yours? Well, not mine exactly, but let's say it belongs to us, eh? Er, so why don't you leave it where it is and just move along, eh? I've got to fix it.
Fix what? The scanner eye.
The scanner eye? Yes.
Oh, you do? Yes.
Oh, well, we usually get the jokers around here at Christmas time but we have to be lenient.
So, er, just move along, eh? I can't.
Oh yes, you can, young lady.
That's enough of joking.
I'm sure you're going to enjoy yourself at that party you're going to so why not go down there now? I'm not going to a party.
Well, wherever you are going dressed up in them fancy clothes you leave now and there won't be no trouble.
I've got to stay here.
Now you take my advice, young lady, and leave now.
Otherwise, I might have to run you in for loitering or somethin' like that.
I wouldn't like to have to do that.
We've had a bit of, er, trouble like that already tonight.
You see, er, we don't like people hanging around.
But at Christmas time we have to be lenient and we don't want to make it too difficult for you.
Oh, very well.
Have a have a have a swinging time! Funny girl The idiots! They've obviously got themselves into some kind of trouble.
Why won't you sit down, lad? You're making the place look untidy.
It's all right? Of course, of course.
And what are you doing here, hmm? Who are you? Do you know this man? Yes.
Er I mean - aye.
He's just the extra bloke from 'G' Division, sir.
Er, yeah, it's it's alright, er I'll look after him.
Well, if you know him perhaps you can tell us what he's doing in a police box? A what?! That police box across the yard - he claims to live in it.
Oh, no.
Just a minute.
It'll be all right, just a minute.
No, er, it's alright.
Er, you see he's a funny feller, but I know how to handle him.
We're used to him down in 'G' Division.
Very well.
Well, get him out of here and see that he steers clear of that police box.
Right.
I'll do that sir.
Right, er, come on there, old man.
much of the old man, either.
What's all this funny accent? Everybody else is doing it.
I'll come with you and make sure you can manage.
It's alright! I know! Hey you! Hey you, what' you playing at? Go into the TARDIS - now hurry! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh.
I don't know what it is about that police box but first of all, the old bloke comes out of it now I catch this lass climbing about on it.
It's all right, miss Please let me go! It's all right.
I know her too.
Aye, you seem to know all the queer people.
Well, who is she? Well, she's a she's a friend of the old man's.
Let me go! Come on, Steven.
Hello, hello? What's up with you? Here here, it's gone! What? That telephone box - it's gone.
Weren't it meant for us? I found this jacket, so they thought I was one of their group.
And when you appeared on the scene they were completely mystified.
Well, even I, dear boy, must admit that I enjoyed myself.
Did you fix the scanner, mm? I did - and no help from either of you.
At least it's working.
Have you checked it? Of course not.
After that man grabbed me I didn't have a chance.
Never mind, never mind.
Is the Taranium safe? Yes, over there.
Oh, I'd forgotten about the Daleks.
Now, that's one thing you mustn't do, my dear.
Remember they have the same type of machines and they can follow us.
Yes, but they won't have found out about the switch yet.
No, I sincerely hope not.
Well, while we have the Taranium their plan cannot work.
I don't think the Daleks will attack the Sos the Solar System until they've checked their Time Destructor.
Then what can we do? Well, I think we might, perhaps, be able to destroy the Taranium before they catch us up.
I think we've stopped again.
Yes, we might, er, we might still be on Earth.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no, the atmosphere has improved considerably.
Yes, let's have a look at the scanner.
It might tell us something.
The door! Oh, No! No! No! This saw will take care of you, and then my secret will be safe forever.
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Oh! No! Help me! Somebody help me, please! Oh! Your cries cannot be heard! The saw-mill is miles from anywhere! No! What are you doing? Oh! Somebody! Oh! Stop! Cut! Oh, no, no, no, no! Stop! Stop! Who let those bums in here? Steinberger! They've ruined my scene! Oh! It's that guy – DeMille! He's trying to sabotage me! Get those bums outta here! What are you doing?! Come back here! Did you see those two? Wait! I want them back here! Pipe down now! There's no camera running now! Save it for the later take.
Hey you! I want those two back here.
He's great! Bigger than Fairbanks! Well, don't just stand there go get them! Oh! Where's Sara? Oh, I must've lost her.
Where are we? In here - quick! Oh, oh.
and then I will come to you on my camel and sweep you away across the desert! No! No! Terrible! Okay, Harry.
Cut down at twenty-three You've got to give it more feeling.
She's not a sack of potatoes.
No.
He is de sack of potatoes.
Vere did you find him - on a rubbish dump? I resent that! Iggy! Iggy! Did you see them? Who? Who? A guy and a gal.
They just beat the living daylights out of my camera crew.
It was great! Perhaps you like your film interrupted, but I do not.
Please do not interrupt me when I am creating.
Ah, Mr.
Ke-noff? Mr.
Ke-noff? Knopf! Ingmar Knopf! Mr.
Knopf.
Ah, Professor Webster is here, sir.
Ah, good! Send him to me at once.
I need him in this next scene.
Yes sir.
Very good.
You should have seen him! He was great! Bigger than Fairbanks! I've got to find a name for him! Something suave! Please, look, please do whatever you like, but leave me alone! Get off my set! I'm trying to make a film! Who is this girl? If she's one of the harem, why is she wearing that peculiar clothing? Tell her to get them off! Oh, shut up! Alright, alright.
No, I must find Sara.
You think she's still in this place? I'll try up there first - you wait here.
Oh, there you are! Everybody's waiting.
No.
Not Now don't argue! Come on! No.
You You're making a terrible mistake.
I'm I'm not who Doctor! No.
No, please.
This is quite ridiculous.
I I have nothing to do with your film Now where's he got to? We need him to do that scene again.
"And then I will come to you " "And then I will come to you.
" "And then I will come to you on my camel and I will sweep you away across the desert!" All right.
All right.
Professor Webster isn't here yet, so please don't exhaust your capabilities.
Now look here, Mister Ke-noff! Knopf.
Ingmar Knopf.
Ke-nerve! You can't talk to me like that.
I am an actor! What! He is not an actor.
You are a cheap pig! Get lost, Fraulein! Hey did you find your sword? No, I didn't, Mike.
.
I All right, all right! Saw it a little saw it just down here.
Professor Webster! Where have you been all this time? We've been waiting for you.
As our expert on Arabian customs we need your help.
Certainly, certainly! My help! Oh, I shall be delighted! Yes! How very good, Professor! Doctor, please! Oh, Doctor! This is an a rich Sheik's tent.
Oh, yes, and who's this? She's an Arabian princess.
Nonsense! You put some more clothes on, child.
Go along.
And what's all this? What are you doing in there? Please, get out! You are in the next scene.
A harem scene, please! Come on - to the wardrobe! But Dr.
Webster! Where are you going? Sara, where have you been? I don't know.
But a strange man kept telling me to take my clothes off! Now, come along.
We must go back to the TARDIS.
This is a madhouse.
It's all full of Arabs! Come along.
Sure, baby, sure.
I know it was a bit of a shock.
You're tryna get ridda me! You don't want me as your star any more! Of course I do, baby.
You're great! Okay, Charlie, what about those props?! told you I don't want those kids for your kind of a picture.
But, you said you were going to make him bigger than Fairbanks.
I suppose you're going to make her bigger than Pickford! No, Charlie.
I mean props! No, honey, no.
She's not that kind of a girl.
You're the one I'm gonna make great.
Now look, you're gonna you're gonna take one more take, huh.
Please? Oh, all right.
But this'll be the last time.
Sure, sure.
Quiet everybody.
Set up for a take! Set up for a take! Set up for a take! Makeup! I've already told you! Stop! Stop those two! Hey, you two! Come back here! Stop those two! No! No, no, no, no! Oh! Come on, Sara! Stop those two! Stop those two! Come back, you two! Typical.
When you're new around here, they chase you.
But after a while - you're off.
What's that All the time they want something new.
New jokes? There aren't any.
Aren't there? Well, that's a joke in itself! What are you doing? Get them out of here! And will you please tell that girl to get changed? Yeah, yeah, Mr.
Knopf.
Custard pies have been done by Chaplin, so I'm not allowed to.
Hmm, quite, quite.
Now would you mind moving? Buckets of water, done by Chaplin.
Banana skins all done by Chaplin! Now we start in close, yeah, see? And then we'll dolly back down along there.
Hey, where's Webster? Wh wh what? Webster.
Which way did they go? What are you up to? Please, where's Webster? They came through here! Where did they go? Two fools rushed over there somewhere.
Great! Where's Webster? Where's Webster?! They won't even let me do the wallpaper and paste routine.
You know why? Done by Chaplin? Yeah.
Now, would you excuse me? I'll tell you something that little Englishman has done everything.
I think I'll give it up and take to singing.
Yes.
But, who'd use a singer with a name like Bing Crosby? Custard pies! Bing Crosby! Ha! Doctor! Steinberger, just when are we gonna do my scene, huh? What great trick! They just disappeared! Where are we gonna find Professor Webster? Where's Webster? wanna use it! How's it done?! Come back! Come back, Webster! Come back! Excuse me.
What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? I'm Professor Webster.
Who - you? Yes, Professor Webster.
Darling! Whatever was that place? Oh, I've no idea.
I'm glad we got away.
What were they doing? Your guess is as good as mine.
Let's hope we never land there again.
Oh.
Here we are.
What's this? Well, we so rarely get a chance to celebrate, but this time we must.
Celebrate? Yes.
It's Christmas.
Is it? Don't you remember? The police station – Christmas? So it was, yes.
Here's a toast - a Happy Christmas to all of us.
Oh.
Same to you, Doctor, Sara.
Incidentally Hey! a happy Christmas to all of you at home!