Get Smart (1965) s03e16 Episode Script

Right, Sid.
I'll see you in a few minutes.
- ( phone rings ) - Hello? Hello, 99.
Max.
Oh, hello, Max.
Listen, 99, are you free tonight? Oh.
Well, I'm sitting in for Larrabee, but he should be back soon.
What did you have in mind? Oh, I don't know.
I thought a few drinks, a little dancing, maybe a late supper.
I'd love that.
Shall I pick you up as usual? Well, it's not exactly that way, 99.
You see, there's a buddy of mine in town and uh, well, he asked me if I could get him a date.
I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight-- But, Max Oh, one more thing, 99-- I wonder if you could get a girl for me while you're at it.
Nothing special-- about 5'2", blonde hair, blue eyes-- ( knocking ) - Who is it? - Gina Matusik.
Open the door, please.
I must speak to you.
( whirring ) - Who? - Gina Matusik.
I must speak to you, Mr.
Smart.
Please open the door.
Gina Matusik-- for heaven's sake.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
We've never met, Mr.
Smart.
That long, eh? Come on over here and sit down.
There.
Now, what can I do for you? Kaos has orders to find me and kill me, but I think I've lost them for now.
Why in the world would anyone wanna kill you? I've been working for Kaos, but I've got to get away and I haven't any money.
I have some very important information for you-- - for $50,000.
- $50,000?! That's a lot of money.
Oh look, you're shaking all over.
Why don't you let me get you a drink? Vodka, please.
Okay, vodka, eh? Are you sure you're defecting? ( gasps ) ( knocking ) - Who is it? - Max, it's Sid Krimm.
Open up.
It's cold out here.
Uh, in a minute, Sid.
Uh I-I'm not dressed.
Max! Pussycat! Sid, it's good to see you again.
You haven't changed a bit.
How long has it been now? - 15 years.
- You forgot Seoul, Korea, 1952.
Don't you remember? We said if we both lived through this, we'd get together again, huh, pal? We almost didn't make it.
- Yeah, that was a tough bar, Sid.
- Remember this one-- Chosin Reservoir? Remember that-- Pork Chop Hill? Remember when we had these? Ha ha ha! ( whistles ) Look out, baby, incoming mail! Boom! Watch it, Sid-- hand grenade! I got it! I got it! Holy cow! What was that? ( theme music playing ) What do you mean, "What grenade"? The grenade I just threw out the window.
Oh.
Oh, uh that grenade.
Yes, well, you see, Sid, the State Department is only six blocks from here and they keep getting this building mixed up with it.
That's all part of the excitement of living in Washington.
Come off it, Max.
You're in some kind of trouble.
Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not in any trouble.
Aha, aha, I know-- gang wars.
- You're in the rackets.
- I'm not in anything! I'm a greeting card salesman.
Oh, yeah? Greeting card salesman? - With hand grenades? - Eh, yes, well, I-- I also sell hand grenades.
I mean, greeting cards and hand grenades are compatible.
Greeting cards and hand grenades go together? Eh, yes.
Let's look at it like this, Sid-- you see-- there's Mother's Day, right? And then there's Christmas and-- in between Mother's Day and Christmas, there's, uh-- uh, Hunting Week.
Where are you staying while you're in town, Sid? Right here, sweetheart! Right here in your place! Yeah! Hey, what's this, the button for the maid? ( clicks ) Don't tell me, sweetheart-- you're also in the business of selling fishing equipment.
Look, Sid, you can go up in my bedroom and sleep in my bed.
The sofa is a little tricky.
"The sofa is a little tricky"? What's in the bed, quicksand? Listen-- Max, tell me, what kind of a discharge did you get when you got out of the army? Honorable, of course.
Why? Oh, uh, eh, um, nothing, just-just a wild hunch.
Can we get out of the net now? Oh, the net, right.
Right, Sid.
- Just press the button again.
- Hmm.
Well, enough of this stuff.
Let's get to the action.
Where're the broads? Broads? Try to read my lips, dummy-- broads, dames.
Does the word "girl" mean anything to you? Yes.
Well, I really haven't had a chance to do anything about the girls, but I'll tell you what-- I'll go upstairs and I'll get into my Class A's and then I'll try to arrange something.
In the meantime, have a drink.
Aha, now you're talking, sweetheart.
Now you're talking.
Two Pusan Painkillers coming right up! Eh, make mine a scotch and soda, Sid.
All right, that's one Pusan Painkiller for the sergeant, and a scotch and soda for the WAC.
( sings military march ) No, Chief.
She's wounded.
You'd better call an ambulance.
I don't know what information she had.
She was shot before I could find out.
Kaos thinks you've got the information, Max, or they wouldn't have thrown the grenade.
Go over the whole story again.
There has to be some clue.
( hums ) I might want more.
( hums ) Hey, Corporal, where're the broads? Uh, I'm a little busy, Sid.
Why don't you call them? - Look in my address book.
- Address book.
( hums ) - Where is it? - I don't know, it's down there somewhere.
Look.
All right.
( hums ) ( humming ) Ahh ha-ha ahh, let's see now-- Shelly, Mary, Francine, Sophie, Barbara, Dorothy uh, Zelda Nan-- Nancy, that's the one! Bingo! ( hums ) Hey, Corporal, you haven't lost your touch.
Guess that's the last part of the mind that goes.
( hums ) Hello, Nancy with the laughing face? Who's calling, please? ( impersonates Max ) Maxwell Smart here.
What are you doing tonight, baby? And let's do it together.
- One moment, please.
- ( march playing ) Maestro, Maxwell Smart's calling for your Codename Nancy.
He wants a date.
So Smart does have Matusik's book, - but he doesn't know what it is.
- What should I do? Let him think you're Nancy.
( hums ) This is Nancy.
What's on your mind, Max? Listen, honey, I happen to have a friend of mine in town, a good-looking guy-- Sid Krimm.
And I thought if you and your girlfriend could come over to our place, we could have a wonderful evening.
On second thought, maybe we could go out somewhere.
He wants to go out with me and he needs a date for his friend.
Splendid.
Take Zelda along with you.
It'll give me a chance to search Smart's apartment for the book.
Ahem, okay, Max, and I've got a cute friend named Zelda.
We'll meet you in an hour at - The Pen and Quill.
- The Pen and Quill.
Okay, meet you at The Pen and Quill.
Right.
( hums ) Action City! Oh, this is gonna be great.
( whirring ) ( thumps ) Right, Chief.
- Got you, Chief.
- Sid: Come on, Max.
Let's go.
I'll be with you in a minute, Chief.
Chief? Chief-- that's real cute, Max.
What do you call your other shoe-- "Minihaha"? Look, Sid, if you don't mind, I'm talking to somebody.
Tell him he just missed Custer's Last Stand on the stairway.
Oh, that? I can explain that, Sid.
Explain? What for? I was almost blown up by a hand grenade, I was netted like a trout, I was almost shish-kebabbed with this, and I come in here now and I find you having a powwow with your shoe.
( Gina groans ) I can explain that, Sid.
I'm telling you I can explain that.
There's nothing to explain.
You are a ding-a-ling.
I'm calling a doctor! Sid, you gotta give me a chance.
I'm telling you, Sid, I can explain this.
Sid, wait, I can explain.
There's no explaining.
I'm calling the wagon.
Sid, wait! Well, that's all I can tell you, Sid.
I work for the government, and I'm on a secret mission.
You believe me, don't you? I believe you.
You read a lot of these spy books, cloak-and-dagger stuff.
No more than anyone else who works for the government on secret missions.
You don't believe me.
I believe you.
Listen, Max, do me a favor, huh? When we're out with the girls tonight, don't talk into the shoe.
I understand, but they're liable to think you're a little eccentric.
( jazz music playing ) I just got the word from the maestro.
He's sure that Smart has the little black book on him.
He wants us to get him into the back room.
Oh.
The boys will take care of him in there.
Oh, I hope they don't hurt him.
I hate to see people get hurt.
( giggles ) - Especially men.
- Sure.
That must be them.
Yeah yeah.
There they are.
Wait a minute, Sid, those girls look like Kaos.
Yeah yeah yeah, chaos.
You don't understand.
They look like spies.
Sure sure, they're spies.
Maybe one of them will try to kiss me to death and I'll have to sigh for help.
What are you talking about, spies? I found them in your little black book.
Little black book? I don't have a little black book.
I've got a little red book.
It was black when I found it on the floor.
It's black now.
So that's what she was trying to sell me.
Remember, Smart has the book.
Now work on him and forget about Krimm.
Which is which? The dopey one with the beady eyes must be Krimm.
Shh.
- Zelda: Hi.
- Hi, Nancy, Zelda.
Enough of the small talk.
What do you say we go to your place and have a little nightcap, eh? Relax, honey, we've got all night.
Now tell me, where did you get my number, Max? I'm Max, he's Sid.
Where did you get our number, Max? I didn't call you, Sid did.
Where did you get our number, Sid? Out of the little black book, the one he thinks is red.
All right, Zelda, Nancy, about this little black book-- what is it? The Kaos code? Don't ask me, I'm new around here.
( giggles ) Don't play dumb with me, sister.
I happen to be an expert at that.
Okay okay, I'll tell you what you wanna hear, but in private.
- Come on into the back room.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
The two of you go in the back room, because Zelda and I got a lot of talking to do, huh, honey? ( hums ) Sid: Uh, bye-bye.
( chuckles ) You gotta humor Max.
Poor boy, he thinks he's a spy.
He is.
And he thinks you two girls are spies too.
We are.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm a spy too.
Really? You don't look like one.
Nancy, stop stalling.
What's so important about this black book? Boris! Attaboy, Max.
Don't take no for an answer.
Come on, baby, loosen up.
See? Nancy and Max are having fun.
Hey, why do you get the wild broads and I get the clams? Not now, Sid.
I'm busy.
( grunts ) Max! What are you doing with a gun? They're all spies, Sid, and I'll shoot the first one that moves.
I know they're all spies, Max, but I'm not a spy.
I'm your old sergeant, Sid.
You wouldn't shoot me, would you, Corporal? - Of course not, Sergeant.
- Good.
Sorry, old buddy, but I had to save you from yourself.
What started all this? That book is ours.
Oh? ( chuckles ) He's got a red one, anyway.
No hard feelings, okay? Okay, no hard feelings.
Sid, what happened? Boy, you started some fight back there.
I got you out of a jam.
Boy, you can get in trouble carrying a gun, old buddy.
You don't understand.
I'm a Control agent! You certainly lost control back there.
The book! The little black book-- what happened to the book, Sid? Max, address books are a dime a dozen.
Don't tell me you gave them the book? I gave them the book.
I asked you not to tell me that.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Sid.
You never forget a number.
Do you remember Nancy's? - I've got it right up here, pal.
- Good.
With that number, I'll be able to trace the girls and when I find the girls, I'll find Kaos.
And when I find Kaos, I'll find that little black book.
Right? Wrong.
Wrong? What do you mean, "wrong"? I'm not gonna give you that number.
You caused those girls enough trouble.
Sid, you have got to give me that number.
Our whole national security depends upon it.
If I have that number, I may be able to save America from a terrible catastrophe.
Good.
You save America.
I've gotta get me a broad.
I'm so lonely.
All right, Sid.
I didn't wanna do this.
I didn't wanna do it, but you're forcing me into it.
I'm gonna prove to you that this is important.
Hello, Chief? Uh, I'm sorry to wake you at this hour.
Well, you see, a friend of mine thinks I'm crazy.
( screaming ) ( dings ) Boy, that's some ride for a dime.
Telephone company know about this? Oh, hi, Max.
Hi, 99.
I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
Sid, this is 99.
Her name is 99? I'm very happy to meet you, Sid.
I get it, you old fox.
( sly laughter ) - What are you talking about? - Hey, I don't blame you.
If I had something that looked like that, I'd keep her under lock and key.
- ( thumps ) - Has she got a sister? Uh-oh, now we're in for it-- here comes her old man.
Don't be ridiculous.
That's the chief.
- Hi, Chief.
- This better be important, Max, getting me down here in the middle of the night.
You see, Chief, it's like this-- my buddy Sid here came from out of town to visit me.
And he found the information that Matusik left in my apartment-- it was a little black phone book.
So he gave it to a couple of Kaos agents because-- he thought it was just a little black phone book.
Now he won't give me Nancy's number because he doesn't believe I'm a Control agent.
He thinks I'm crazy.
So I had to bring him down here so you could tell him that I'm a Control agent and I'm not crazy.
Chief, tell him I'm a Control agent and I'm not crazy.
Would you tell him I'm a Control agent? - He's a Control agent.
- Max: There you are, Sid.
You see, I'm a Control agent and so is the chief and so is 99.
Now, do you understand? I understand.
You're all bananas.
I don't think we can convince him, Chief.
- Why don't you try the hotline? - That's a great idea, Chief.
Try the hotline to the White House.
Not at this time of the morning.
Absolutely impossible.
I've only got three years to retirement.
But, Chief, this is an emergency.
- If you don't call, I will.
- I'll call.
Good morning, sir.
It is important, sir.
Yes, sir, I know I have only three years to retirement, but well, sir, this friend of Agent Smart's-- Sorry, sir.
Anyway, his friend has a phone number that could help us crack Kaos wide open, but he won't give us the number because he doesn't believe we're who we are.
Yes, sir, you can talk to him.
He wants to talk to you.
What is this, Dial-A-Cow? I'll make you feel at home.
( moos ) Hello? Yeah.
Oh, sure.
Oh, sure you are.
Yeah, wonderful.
And I'm Sidney Bird.
Oh oh oh, all right, sure-- You're who? ( babbling ) ( silent ) ( babbling ) Bless night-- uh, good-- good night.
Do you believe us now, Sid? What are you standing around for? Let's get the barbecue on the road.
You, old man, four coffee and danish.
And you, Mata Hari-- a map and a phone book.
And you, dummy, a pencil and a paper.
Come on, hurry up.
Let's move it! Move it! Listen, I gotta tell you guys something-- I've never met him, but I use his baby powder.
Relax, Sid.
Sit down, make yourself comfortable.
This won't take long.
I'll be back in a couple hours.
What do you mean? I'm going along.
( laughs ) Don't be ridiculous.
This kind of a job calls for a man with a cool head, steel nerves - and fantastic reflexes.
- ( shatters ) Listen, Max, I think you'd better let me go along.
Smart's in there, all right.
Yes, the maestro was right-- He's going after that little black book.
Hmm.
He's gonna have to settle for a little black box.
I need him to make this week's quota.
I don't understand you, Sid.
I'm a secret agent, I have to go.
But what's your angle? What do you mean what's my angle? I wanna defend my country too.
And you happen to be my buddy.
And, besides, I happen to know that every secret agent gets all the broads.
You're not going.
That's it, forget it! That's final! You're not going! If you don't take me along, I'm gonna spill everything I know about Control headquarters.
All right, you can go, but no gun.
Here.
You're liable to get trigger-happy and get your fool head shot off.
Sid: Oh, great thinking, Max.
Great.
Without a gun, I'm a sitting duck.
That makes one sitting duck and one dead duck.
( theme music playing )