Happy Endings s03e16 Episode Script

Perfect.
Okay, I'll see you Sunday.
Bye.
(Giggles) Damn, girl.
You're planning the straight hizzell out of that block party.
"Hizzell"? (Lowered voice) Are we just gonna let that slide? (Mouths words) It's gonna be great.
I'm gonna have a deejay in front of my store, bands, - Dave's truck - And I will be unveiling the new and improved version of my classic steak sandwich.
I call it "Steak-Point-0.
" (Lowered voice) - So we are just letting everything slide? - Oy.
(Brad) - Um - Okay, does everyone have something to contribute for the silent auction? I will be donating a free PR consultation.
Ohh.
So Penny's offering nothing.
I'll be donating three centerpieces handmade by me, perfect for any occasion-- a dinner party, holiday gathering, centerpiece hall of fame induction ceremony.
Thanks, Jane.
You make the best centerpieces.
(Whispers) I know.
Oh.
Hey, buddy.
How was the funeral? - Sad.
- Mm-hmm.
Mark was a great hairdresser and a great guy.
pfft.
Dead.
But the real tragedy is I need a haircut, and I ain't got no place to go.
Yeah, that's definitely the real tragedy here.
What about my barbershop? Nah.
I can't keep arguing with those guys about Tyler Perry movies anymore.
Black folks like Tyler Perry, Max.
No, I love Tyler Perry movies.
It's Ray-Ray and Tooches that think it's implausible for Madea to keep going back to prison.
But like I told them, mama got tax problems.
- You should go see Krisjahn.
(Alex) - Yeah.
Alex and I have been going to him for years.
Chris John? - No.
Krisjahn.
- Christian.
- Mnh-mnh.
- No.
Krisjahn.
K-R-I-S-J-A-H-N.
Krisjahn.
Very common gay-fake-French name.
No, no, Max.
You're a man, like me.
You need to go to a man who cuts man hair man-style.
Trust me.
I got a guy.
(Laughs) (Laughs) - Hey, guys.
(Gasps) - Sacre bleu! Dude, you look like Suze Orman if she stopped shaving.
You look like a keytar player in a Christian rock band.
- You look like Alf.
- You look like an assistant manager at a Jacksonville multiplex.
I think I need Chris John's number.
(Alex, Jane, Brad, and Penny) Krisjahn.
Wait.
Am I seriously the only one feeling this? Yes.
- What? - What? (Everybody) Ugh.
- What?! - What?! Okay, taste testers, Steak Me Home Tonight and Dave Rose, in conjunction with beef and cheese, proudly present the Steak-Point-0.
- Mmm.
- Yay.
- Mnh-mnh.
No.
- No.
No.
- Ugh.
Nope.
Steak-point-no.
- Mnh-mnh.
Sorry, but that tastes like outside.
If you made tea out of a taxi driver's underpants and then no.
Fart paper.
(Whispers) - Yes.
- That is definitely fart paper.
Am I tasting a hard yogurt? Is that a thing? That is nowhere near as good as hard yogurt.
Dave, what happened to your old sandwich? It was great.
(Singsongy) Boring! I gotta mix it up a little bit, all right? I'm not getting any new customers, I got zero Tweets, and the only review on Yelp I got was from my mom, when she thought she was e-mailing me.
"Davey, what's the name of that movie about the horse that goes to the war?" Uh, "War Biscuit.
" (Scoffs) Duh.
Say, Dave, since I just did you a favor by eating your gross sandwich, I'd like a favor in return.
See, I just bought this new armoire-- Well, it's been years since I appraised anything, - but I guess I-- - No, I was hoping I could borrow your truck to move it to my place.
Yeah.
Sure.
You need any help? - No, thanks.
I've got Alex and Jane.
- Oh.
We used to move mattresses for our dad's store in the summer.
Ah, we made bank.
Remember that guy who tipped us extra because we agreed to dress up as his dead daughters? Jeffrey! We're Facebook friends.
Ah! Send me the link to that page.
- Oh, he'll love that.
- Hmm.
Okay.
Well, the truck's all yours.
But beware.
She has some quirks.
(Opens drawer) - Now this unlocks the door.
- Okay.
And this starts the engine.
(Closes drawer) Oh, and when you honk the horn, she plays "Someone's In The Kitchen With Dinah.
" - Why? - Because Someone's in the kitchen with David chompin' on a steak sando, oh, oh Dave, you are one of my oldest friends, but if we met now, we'd be enemies.
(Singsongy) Thanks for the truck! Bye! Oh, thank you so much for helping me, Krisjahn.
Anything for a friend of Alex and Jane's.
Sit back, relax, and we'll have you looking more "Max" and less "retired air force lesbian" in no time.
Ahh, gay wit-- the white noise of the hair salon.
So how is Alex's block party coming along? Is that what's happening this week? I-I-I have not been paying attention.
Jane doesn't think Alex can pull it off 'cause she's such a flake.
Hmm? And Alex thinks thinks Jane's centerpieces are, quote, "pieces from the center of a person's butt" What? "And that person is not well, darling.
" Do they talk that kind of trash behind each other's backs to you? They've been bitch-hissing about each other to me for years, and not just the small stuff.
Unh! Now well don't stop there! Give me all the good stuff, fellow gaylord.
- You want something big? - Oh, I want something big, girl.
Okay.
Um Jane thinks Alex is a disappointment to their parents.
That is awesome.
(Laughs) Well, get this.
- Alex - Uh-huh? says that Jane is only into black guys - Uh-huh? - because she lost her virginity at the drive-in screening of "Big Momma's House.
" Ohh! Hallelujah! This is like gay Christmas! Oh, hold up.
That's the Oscars.
Right.
Yes.
- Yeah.
- Of course.
I'm sorry.
Dude, check it out.
So I went to Krisjahn to get my hair fixed-- - That's fixed? (Grunts) - Whatever.
Anyway he told me about all this trash that Alex and Jane have been talking about each other there for years.
I mean, really hurtful, venge-filled, soul-crushing stuff.
It was hilarious.
- Yep.
I know all about it.
- You do? That's how the Kerkoviches deal with their stuff.
They talk to someone else, never each other.
(Scoffs) That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard, and I've heard Alex and Dave talk about the Civil War.
Well, that's what they do.
I mean, Alex and Jane tried being honest with each other, like, 20 years ago.
The fight lasted for weeks.
The family never talks about it.
They just call it "The incident.
" (Exhales) (Music stops) That sounds amazing.
(Chuckles) Yeah.
Dude do not stir this up.
I don't need any more drama, all right? Seriously, I just watched "Nurse Jackie," and I cannot handle any more drama right now.
- Of course not.
- Thanks.
Wait.
Are you doing that thing where you say, "of course not," and then you go do it anyway? I would never do that to you, man.
(Chuckles) Thanks.
Wait.
Now are you doing that thing where you say, "I'd never do that to you, man" after I've questioned the sincerity of your "of course not"? Of course not.
I would never do that to you, man.
Thanks, man.
Wait! I like your hair.
- Thanks.
- I'm lying.
(Sighs) Thank you, guys, so much for helping me with the armoire.
I guess you could say you're my knights in shining armoire.
Or you could not say it.
Up to you.
I'm not your mouth boss.
But seriously, thank you.
Well, thank, uh, muscle-boobs over here.
She did most of the work.
(Strained voice) I got it.
It's all good.
I got this.
- It's all in the legs - Mm.
from yay to hay.
Wait.
Didn't we park Dave's truck right here? Yeah.
Wait.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Do you know what this means? - Ghost truck?! No, it means that Dave's truck was stolen.
Right! Of course.
Of course.
(Chuckles) (Slaps thigh) Ghosts don't drive.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Dave? I've got some bad news.
(Knife thuds) Oh, my God.
Something happened to Dave Matthews, didn't it? It did, didn't it? (Voice breaks) I had that weird dream, and now he's gone-- Stop it! No, Dave Matthews is fine.
I mean, he's puffy and he sounds like - he's got a squirrel in his mouth, but he's fine.
- Thank God.
Someone stole your truck.
- What?! - I don't know what happened.
I locked the doors, I took the screwdriver out of the ignition, - I put it on the dash-- - You left the screwdriver on the dash?! That's practically an invitation to steal it! I am so, so sorry.
(Sighs) Oh! What am I gonna do? That truck was my livelihood! How am I gonna pay the bills? I can't go back to being a wild turkey shot boy.
I've put on weight.
I don't have the legs to be a little gobbler.
Well, we should call the cops.
No.
No, don't be naive.
The cops don't find stolen cars.
Plus they only help white people.
- I'm sorry? - I'm 1/16th Navajo.
Well, we should at least go out and try to find your truck.
I mean, we found your clogs that time you left them at the duck pond.
(Sighs) All right.
Fine, let's go find it.
But in the off-off chance that we do find it (Opens drawer) I'm gonna bring my spare key.
(Closes drawer) I screwed the pooch.
(Door closes) I wined it, I dined it, I told it it was cute and that I valued its opinions, even though I don't, and then I screwed it.
Um what are you talking about? Okay, I was at Krisjahn's with Jane, and then Alex came in.
And then they started complimenting each other (Gasps) about the block party and the centerpieces and No.
Tell me you didn't.
I did.
I told them all the things that Krisjahn told me.
- All the smack.
- Damn you, you Kevin Smith smell-alike! But it was super funny! Then it got super scary, like when my grandpa got on that trampoline.
And much like Pop Irving, they're not gonna stop till they're dead.
I can't believe you did this.
I'm gonna be sick.
I didn't - I d-- - Oh, wait.
Oh, God.
(Gags) - It's your fault! - Ugh! I mean, you practically begged me to do it by begging me not to do it.
In fact, sir, I would like an apology.
I am hurt.
I am deeply hurt that you do not know me well enough to know that I would screw this up for you.
You have no idea what you've just started, Max.
People are going to get hurt, family members forced to take sides, innocent brads yelled at and denied sex for weeks! (Gasps) Winter is coming.
Well good luck with that.
(Gruff voice) - No! - Okay.
You are gonna help me fix this.
Me? (Screeches) Okay! I'll clean up your mess.
(Breathing heavily) I'd still like that apology.
(High-pitched voice) Aah! Fair enough.
Penny, this isn't gonna work.
The truck is gone.
Plus the flyer's kinda misleading.
Looks like I'm the one that's lost, not the truck.
No, it doesn't.
Hey.
I found your lost guy.
No, the guy is not lost.
The truck is lost.
You know, your flyer's kind of misleading.
(Clenched teeth) - Told you.
- So about the reward-- The reward is for the truck.
(Truck's horn sounds) Whoa.
Wait a minute.
You know what-- you know what that is? - Oh! Oh! Okay! Whoa! - You know what that is? You know what that is? - Is that what I think it is?! - Whoa! (Gasps) My truck! Some guy is selling sandwiches out of your truck! Son of a bitch! (Hisses) Look at how busy he is! (Scoffs) Hey.
I found your lost truck.
Okay, you guys are in a stupid lady fight.
We get it.
You're ladies.
Your brains are tiny and filled with eggs.
Let's just move on.
What my pear-shaped colleague is trying to say-- Whoa.
"Pear-shaped"? I just bought a medicine ball.
You two are sisters, okay? You've shared so many good times, like that summer at the lake in high school.
Remember that? (Sighs) Ohh.
Yeah.
(Chuckles) Yeah! (Taps tabletop) Good times! - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Till I was grounded because Alex ratted me out for smoking cloves.
I am not a rat! Mom knew you were smoking 'cause you smelt like an ashtray and your voice was deeper than dad's.
(Deep voice) - You shut up! - There it is.
Guys, come on.
You're adults, okay? Can't you just talk this out? (Indistinct conversations) - Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, talk it right out.
(Max) - Thank you.
(Speaks indistinctly) - Okay, I'm prepared, too.
- Where did you get that from?! - Ohh! - I'm prepared, girl! - Bring it! - We can talk-- - Oh, I will bring it! I will! I'm gonna bring it! (Max speaking indistinctly) Come on, lady! Bring it! - And I'm gonna end you! - Whoa! She's making nunchakus! Abort! Aah! (All shouting at once) - Whoa! Whoa! Separate 'em! - Ow! (All shouting at same time) You were adopted! You were born a man! Can you believe this?! (Mouth full) I know! This is the best steak sandwich I've ever had! Wait.
You went over there, face-to-face with the guy who stole your truck, and you bought a sandwich from him? No.
No.
No, I bought two.
What?! Pen, I have been struggling to create a sando that'll get people excited.
Well, this guy did it! And the truck is killing on Twitter and Yelp.
Look.
"Amazing sandwiches.
" "My new favorite truck.
" "Davey, don't go to salad bars.
I saw something on the news.
" All right, that's another one from my mom, but you get the point.
Well, she's right about the salad bars.
Hobos eat out of those things with their own silverware.
But, Dave, this jerk stole your truck, and now by some miracle we have found it.
It is obvious what we have to do-- - take back the truck.
- Eat these sandwiches till we figure out the recipe.
No, you're right.
Yeah.
Take back the truck.
What are we gonna do, man? If Jane and Alex keep fighting like this, someone's gonna get killed.
They'll end up in prison.
Illinois doesn't allow conjugal visits! The best I'll do is Jane spitting on my neck through a chain-link fence.
You could do worse.
(Screeches) All right! Fine, fine, fine, fine! How did their first fight end? (Strained voice) I don't know.
(Inhales deeply) I called Jane's parents, but they're on a Fox News cruise.
Right now they're dolphin hunting with Geraldo Rivera.
Wait.
Jane's in charge of all the Kerkovich family photos and stuff.
She keeps them in a storage unit.
Great! To the Max Mobile! By which, of course, I mean your Prius, which I sometimes sleep in.
That's so sad.
Ah! Hee! (Groans) (Sighs) Ah, stupid flashlight! Why you so stupid all the time? (Max) You know I almost lived in one of these? Then I found an abandoned tugboat, and it was way cheaper.
Great story, Max.
Great.
(High-pitched voice) Aah! Aah! He got me! Help me! Help me, Oprah! (Click) Help me! Aah! Dude, it's you.
It is me.
(Fabric rustling) And he's anatomically correct.
Why would Jane have one of these? I don't know, and I don't want to talk about it.
Really? 'Cause it is all I wanna talk about.
Can we just do what we came here to do, man? Yes.
Sorry.
Stop looking at him.
Okay, the incident happened in 1993.
This place is so organized.
It's totally taking the fun out of searching through a creepy storage space.
Less yappin' and more findin', brah.
Mm-hmm.
We will find what we're looking for before we get to the door - we will find-- - Uhh! Cool.
It's one of Alex's fourth grade book reports.
_ Yeah, she dumb.
Oh! Look.
Articles from their neighborhood paper.
What? Yes! Sweet.
Okay.
"Sisters fight in grocery store"? No.
"Sisters cause traffic hazard.
" "Sisters burn down family garage"? I gotta tell ya, I don't know what is more disturbing-- how much chaos Alex and Jane have caused or how much attention this paper paid to two little girls.
Oh! "Sisters make peace.
" Yes! That's it.
Jackpotty.
Now come on.
The block party starts in 12 hours.
- They'll both be there.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, why does this thing have a motor on the back? (High-pitched voice) I don't want to talk about it, man! Thanks.
Come again.
More like don't come again, 'cause this guy's a dirty crook! I mean, please come again once we restore this truck to its rightful owner.
Appreciate your biz.
Okay, bye! (Normal voice) You stole Dave's truck! Yeah, my truck! Although, that being said, your cooking has this playfulness.
I mean, I-I just can't stop smiling.
David, focus! (Chuckles) I don't know what you guys are talking about.
This is my truck! That's my sink, this is my grill, these are my pictures of you crap! How did you think you were gonna get away with stealing Dave's truck and then serving sandwiches out of it in the same neighborhood? I didn't think.
I just felt.
Meat is an instrument, and I wanted to play it, so I did, 'cause I live my life like jazz.
Right on, man.
You disgust me.
We're calling the cops.
Yeah! Unless you give me the recipe.
Yeah! Wait.
What?! I need those sandos, Penny.
Okay.
Sure.
(Chuckles) I basically just used the dry rub you already had in the truck plus one secret ingredient.
Love.
Of course, you beautiful bastard! Love! I was so focused on my success and reviews, I completely forgot about the craft.
(Gasps) I literally make love to the meat.
M'kay.
(Lowered voice) We're definitely calling the cops now, man.
I'll never forget you, Dave! (Woman screams) (Man) No! Oh, never! Never! Mm, you gotta admire his passion.
And his little rat butt.
Hey.
Where's Jane and Alex? Okay, you'd better hurry.
They're over there and they're gettin' louder.
I just heard the phrase "from your V to your A.
" - Are you kidding me right now?! - Not even a little bit.
What?! You gave me a serious addiction to candy cigarettes.
You broke my Bob Dole action figure! (Max) Hear me, Kerkoviches! This ends (Whispers) now! Uh, where did you get those? From her.
(Eastern European folk music plays) (Gasps) - Nana! (Gasps) - Nana! She's still alive? Yeah, Kerkovich women have good genes.
If they don't die in a war or a turnip famine, they live forever.
Sestra ples.
Nana.
(Kisses) - Nana.
(Max whispers) - Oh, God.
(Jane and Alex) Mm.
(Gasps) What is going on? Well, apparently, the last time they fought like this (Whispers) The incident.
Nana said that they brought shame onto the entire Kerkovich family.
She said Kerkoviches fight Croats, Turks, Albanians, and non-like-minded Christians, - but never each other.
- You know, I was surprised - to find that quote in the newspaper.
- Me, too.
Anyway, then Nana made Jane and Alex do sestra ples.
What is that? - The sister dance.
- The sister dance.
(Woman cheering) They're dancing without me? (Brad) - Ugh! (Max) - Seriously? (Crowd) Ohh! Ohh! It's not working.
No.
Let them dance.
(Cheers and applause) (Brad) Wait.
They're smiling.
(Rhythmic clapping) They're having fun! They're not fighting anymore.
Aw! (Max and Brad) Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! (Applause) Ahh.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
(Laughs) (Laughs) (Both sigh) Well, I'll be damned.
It worked! (Chuckles) Of course.
The dance reminded them that they are sisters.
They are Serbians.
They are members of the master race that will one day bathe in the blood of the-- Okay, Nana.
All right.
That's enough.
I could've sworn I was at her funeral.
It was an open casket! (Sighs) Yay! (Dave) Yeah! Master plan! Girl! That's (Mutters) sestra ples.
So elephant in the room, um why do you have a life-size dummy of me again? Well, you were traveling a lot on business, - and I was watching a ton of Nancy Grace - Mm-hmm.
so I made this guy to make it seem like you were home.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
(Clicks button) (Brad's voice, haltingly) I am home now.
We are eating broccoli and dinner.
Time to watch sport game.
Go, home team! (Chuckles) Oh.
I get it.
That makes more sense.
- Yeah.
- It's just for security.
- Yeah.
(Laughs) - Yeah.
You are my everything.
You look good with short hair or long hair.
Wait a minute.
Way to keep it tight, girl.
"Keep it tight, girl"? How does he know it's tight? - What? - Um, emotional security is just as important as physical security.
You are right.
I am wrong.
I am wrong.
I am wrong.
- I am always wrong.
- Mmm! Mmm, mmm! Music to my ding dang dong ears.
I am wrong.