Hey Arnold! (1996) s03e16 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Okay, final round.
Teams, what
United States President
was in office for
the shortest
amount of time?
(BUZZES)
William Henry Harrison.
Correct!
What is the capital
of Iceland?
Reykjavik.
Correct!
And the last question
in the academic bowl is,
what is the second
fastest animal
in the world?
I'm almost sure,
it's the pronghorn antelope?
Correct again!
Phoebe and Helga are
the winners in
the team competition!
Tomorrow night is
our individual competition.
It's every one of you
for his or her
special self.
The competition
will determine
which student
will represent
P.S. 118
in the All-City
Tournament.
(ALL CHEERING)
Man, Phoebe
was incredible.
I don't think anybody
could beat her in
the contest tomorrow.
We sure showed them
who's boss, eh, Phoebe?
I guess we'll be competing
against each other tomorrow.
I guess we will.
Well, may the best
girl win.
Right, right. Well,
I'll see you, Phoebe.
The All-City
Academic Competition?
The one competition
even your sister Olga
couldn't win.
Still got the blank space
on the shelf
where I was gonna put
the trophy.
Would have been
the crown jewel in
the Pataki Trophy Kingdom.
She just couldn't
get that last question.
What is the state bird
of Maine?
It didn't matter.
Some pimple-faced
little geek
buzzed in with
the right answer.
The chickadee.
Chick-a-bleeping-dee.
Oh, well, good luck
tomorrow, Helga.
Don't feel bad
if you blow it.
Sure would be nice
to win that trophy, though.
If only somehow
I could bring home
that trophy,
then for once,
I'd be the golden girl.
Think, Helga, think!
The honest and right
thing to do
would be to study hard,
acquire a tremendous
amount of knowledge,
in an incredibly short
period of time,
and beat Phoebe tomorrow,
fair and square,
so I can go to the finals.
Or on the other hand,
I could
Look, Phoebe,
you gotta let me win
that contest tonight.
I want you to
lay down,
take the fall.
(GASPS)
You mean,
lose on purpose?
But Helga, why?
Olga lost
in the All-City,
the only contest
she ever lost.
If I won, I'd have
one up on her forever.
I need that
trophy, Phoebe,
I need to win.
As my best friend
in the world, you have
to understand that.
I guess so.
I mean, if it means
that much to you.
Look, there'll be
a lot of competitions
in your life
and you'll probably
win most of them.
Except this one.
Just think of it
this way.
It's not your night.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
What planet is closest
to the sun?
Mercury.
Who was the world's
most famous
violin maker?
Antonio Stradivari.
What boxer boasted
that he could float
like a butterfly
and sting like a bee?
Muhammad Ali.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
What well-known
19th century artist
cut off his own ear?
Vincent van Gogh.
We have now come
down to the final
five-point question.
Whoever answers
this question
will represent P.S. 118
at the All-City
Tournament.
What was the name
of the privileged
warrior class
in Ancient Japan?
(BUZZES)
Phoebe?
(SIGHS)
The Sumo wrestlers?
No, I'm sorry,
that's incorrect.
Helga, you have
one chance.
If you're correct,
you win.
The Samurai.
The Samurai.
Correct! Helga Pataki,
you are the winner!
(APPLAUDING)
Congratulations, Helga.
Phoebe, you did
a wonderful job
as well.
Such a close contest!
Now, remember,
you're the alternate
from P.S. 118
if for any reason,
Helga can't compete
in the academic bowl.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Thank you,
thank you, all!
(APPLAUDING)
(SIREN WAILING)
Well, now all I gotta do
is memorize the big
Book of Contest
Questions and Answers
so I win the big contest
next week.
This'll be a snap.
If you need any help,
just holler.
We can wake
your mother up.
Yeah, like I really
need anyone's help.
Phoebe, I need
your help.
I need you to
tutor me, train me.
Cram facts and knowledge
into my head day and night
so I can win the contest.
And we have to
start now!
Now? But Helga,
I planned to meet my mother.
Oh, you can do that
anytime.
She'll understand.
You're my best friend
and I need you.
Now come on.
We're burning daylight.
What river cuts
through the Grand Canyon?
The Mississippi?
Wrong.
The Rio Grande?
Wrong.
What's the highest
mountain in the world?
The Andes?
No, Mount Everest!
Who was the first person
to climb Mount Everest?
Jacques Cousteau?
No!
What kind of cheese
is Holland famous for?
Uh, glockenspiel?
Which U.S. President
first visited
the Pacific Ocean?
Jefferson?
Wrong.
Jackson?
Wrong.
(SNORES)
(MUMBLING)
Uh, Mississippi!
Are you okay?
You look exhausted.
Yeah, I guess
I am a little tired.
I've been coaching Helga
day and night
for the All-City contest.
You know, I was kinda
surprised you didn't win
the school competition.
I thought you would
have gotten that
final answer.
Yeah. Uh,
I guess it just
slipped my mind.
Hey, Helga.
I was just talking
to Phoebe,
she's practically
falling asleep
over her lunch.
So? It's a free country.
She can sleep
where she wants.
Don't you think
you should give her a break?
She doesn't need
a break. She's fine.
Besides, I got more
important things
to worry about.
I have a contest
to win.
I just thought
since Phoebe is
your best friend,
maybe you should
think about what's
best for her.
Hey, who asked you,
anyway?
Go peddle your do-goody
Mr. Sensitive advice
somewhere else.
Okay, Helga.
(SNORES)
What river cuts through
the Grand Canyon?
Easy. The Colorado.
Correct.
What's the capital
of Malaysia?
Kuala Lumpur.
Correct again.
I think I'm finally
getting this stuff.
Yes, you're doing
much better, Helga.
Well, let's call it a night.
Got to get some shut-eye.
I wouldn't want
to nod off tomorrow
when they announce
that I've won the All-City.
Yeah, you wouldn't
want to nod off.
What's that supposed
to mean?
Well, actually, Helga,
I was thinking
about the contest,
and I was having
some second thoughts.
Second thoughts?
Don't waste your time.
See you bright
and early, Phoebes.
(SIGHS) Right.
Bright and early.
Oh, boy, am I gonna
sleep good tonight.
(GROANS)
What is the capital
of Montana?
Uh
Uh, Helena.
How many pints
in a gallon?
Uh, eight.
Who invented dental floss?
Wait a minute
I I know this one.
It's right on the tip
of my tongue.
What are you
doing here?
Arnold?
Answer the question.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm the contest
winner. I'm the finalist.
Are you?
Of course I am.
Who else?
What about Phoebe?
Your best friend.
Shouldn't Phoebe
be the finalist?
It was Phoebe's
night to shine.
Not yours.
Phoebe should be
the finalist,
shouldn't she, Helga?
Shouldn't she?
Shouldn't she?
Shouldn't she?
(GASPS)
Man, what a crazy dream!
It was like Arnold
was trying to
tell me something
or make me feel guilty.
Like I did something
terribly wrong
and I need to realize it
and do the right thing.
Well, good thing
it was only
a crazy dream.
I gotta get some sleep.
I got a contest to win.
(HONKING)
BOB: Next stop,
the All-City
Academic Bowl.
ARNOLD: Phoebe
should be the finalist,
shouldn't she, Helga?
Shouldn't she?
I guess I could quiz you
some more before the contest,
but I don't know
if that's necessary.
What about Phoebe?
Your best friend.
Shouldn't Phoebe
be the finalist?
You should be able to
I think you stand
a considerable chance
of winning.
I've drilled you on
the entire Big Book
of Contests
Questions and Answers
twice.
It was Phoebe's
night to shine,
not yours.
Let's see Hmm.
I probably should have
covered Geography
more extensively.
Oh, I'm sorry, Helga.
Phoebe should
be the finalist,
shouldn't she, Helga?
It's my fault.
Oh, come off it,
Phoebe.
Stop it!
Just stop it!
Just stop what?
How could you
let me do this to you?
You should have been
in the finals, not me,
and you know it.
I made you take a fall
because I said
it wasn't your night.
Not your night.
(SIGHS)
Phoebe, it was
your night.
You would've won
that contest hands down.
You would've won,
and you would've
been a contender
instead of an alternate.
Which is what
you are, Phoebe.
An alternate.
I'm supposed to be
your best friend.
And I should have
stood up for you.
Instead, I made you
take a dive
so I could look good
and be the best.
But I wasn't.
It was you, Phoebe.
It was you.
You were the best.
You're still the best.
And tonight,
you're gonna compete
and you're gonna win.
And nobody,
especially me,
is gonna stop you.
I'm sick, Mr. Simmons.
Real sick.
I want to barf.
I guess my alternate,
Phoebe
will have to
take my place
in the competition.
Phoebe, are you
prepared to step in
at this very short notice?
(APPLAUDING)
And contestants,
our first question is
This final bonus question
will determine this year's
All-City Academic Bowl
Champion.
What is the state bird
of Maine?
The chickadee, Phoebe.
The chickadee!
The chickadee!
Phoebe Heyerdahl,
you are the All-City
Champion!
Yay, Phoebe!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Yay!
I guess you're
feeling better.
Huh?
I think I know
what you did, Helga.
And I think you did
the right thing.
I don't know what
you're talking about,
football head.
Sheesh!
Yay! (WHISTLES)
(LAUGHS)
Three cheers for
the red, white and blue ♪
Whoa, who goes there?
Oh, it's you, Shortman.
Hi, Grandpa.
Uh, you're in uniform.
What's the occasion?
Don't you read
the papers?
It's almost Pig War Day!
What's Pig War Day?
Only the infamous day
when our fair city
won its independence
from those
treacherous Redcoats.
Who were the Redcoats?
The British!
Uh, of course,
the British.
Who were the British?
What do they teach
you kids in school
nowadays?
Don't you realize
that we fought
and won this land
in a battle over
a pig?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
It was more than
a century ago
when all this neighborhood
was field and wood.
The British claimed
all the land to
the north of the river,
the Americans all
the land to the south.
But no one could
quite decide
who was the owner
of Elk Island.
The place with
the haunted caves?
Yes. Don't interrupt.
Now each side
built their own fort
on each end
of the island.
The Brits had Fort Porcero,
and we had some tents.
Then one day,
a British pig
got out of his pen
and wandered into
an American garden.
A farmer shot the pig.
And when the British
found out, they sent
out for some troops.
And then the Americans
sent for reinforcements.
And then the British
sent for a gunship.
And the next thing you know,
we had ourselves a Pig War.
Cool!
What happened?
We won, you ninnies!
And therefore, Elk Island
and all the land
to the north of it
is now the United States.
ALL: Wow!
It's great to be
an American, ain't it?
Now that I told you
my heartwarming
patriotic story,
you'll be glad to hear
how I signed you all up
to represent
the American team
when we reenact
the Pig War
next Saturday.
ALL: Wow!
Really?
You mean it?
You bet! We'll dress up
in crazy outfits
and run around
in the woods,
two teams chasing
a greased pig.
First one to
catch the pig
and bring it back to
their fort is the winner!
(ALL CHEERING)
Wow, Grandpa,
how'd you get us
on the American team?
Well, it's a very long
story, Arnold,
but the short version is,
I went down to City Hall
and volunteered
Abner to be
the official Pig War pig.
Abner? Our Abner?
(SQUEALS)
But Grandpa
Yeah, now the only thing
that'll happen to Abner
is he'll get
a little greased.
And a little grease
is good for a young pig.
Besides, you can't let
all your friends down.
We're countin'
on you, boy!
STINKY: Come on,
Arnold, please!
HELGA: Just do it!
Can we, Arnold?
GRANDPA: Say yes, Arnold.
Abner wants you to.
Well, okay.
He said yes!
We're all gonna be
in a Pig War!
(ALL CHEERING)
Ow!
Elk Island.
Watch your step
as ye disembark.
There be cow pies.
And beware the Redcoats!
They may be hiding
hereabouts.
Do you think
he's right about
the Redcoats, Grandpa?
Oh, stop worrying,
Arnold.
The Redcoats are
nowhere near these parts.
You're late.
As usual.
Why, it's my arch nemesis,
Rex Smythe-Higgins.
And his grandson,
Rex III.
And I believe
by the rules in
the Pig War Charter,
that gives us the right
to first insult.
Your costumes
are atrocious.
And your so-called pig
looks malnourished.
What do you feed
the little runt?
Hey!
Hey, easy, man.
This is the customary
exchange of insults.
However, that was
two insults.
According to the Charter,
that means we get
two insults as well.
You walk like
you got an umbrella
in your pants.
Was that an insult?
Oi, sir, on this
continent, yes, sir.
Hmm, very well.
That's one.
And you couldn't
catch this pig
if your life
depended on it,
you broken down
old fossil!
So that's two.
But rest assured,
I intend to catch
that pig.
Yeah, well we'll just
see about that.
Eight bells,
time to grease the pig.
Okay, Abner,
remember our plan?
Just stick close to me,
and we'll be fine.
(BLOWS HORN)
(SQUEALS)
ARNOLD: Abner, wait!
What about the plan?
Huzzah!
Let the Pig War begin!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Oh, curses.
You there, minion,
cut short this
foul hemlock
which hath so
offended me!
Sorry, Governor,
I don't understand you
when you talk
all fancy like that.
Chop down
the bloody tree,
you idiot!
(SQUEALS)
(GRUNTING)
(SQUEALS)
Abner!
Looking for something?
Well, I'm pleased to
inform you that
the pig has been captured.
BOTH: Captured?
Yes, and taken
to Fort Porcero.
The fight is over.
We won.
And precisely at sundown,
we will roast
and eat our spoils,
namely, your pig.
(LAUGHS)
What do you mean,
roast the pig?
Read the Charter, Yankee.
Ahem. Chapter 13.
"The party of the third part,
upon capturing
the enemy pig
"may therefore roast
and/or barbecue!
No!
Just a darn minute,
Smythe-Higgins,
you can't do that!
Well, of course
that's rubbish.
The pig remains
in our possession
until sundown,
when it is destined
to become roast
pork sandwiches.
Good day!
Ahhh!
(CRASHING)
SMYTHE-HIGGINS:
Oh, blast it,
my back's gone out.
All right, all right,
I can make a mistake
once in a while,
can't I?
We'll save your pig,
Arnold. We just need to
sneak into the fort
and recapture Abner
before sundown.
Now that doesn't
sound so hard,
does it?
Yeah, come on, Arnold.
We'll get Abner.
Now come on, Shortman,
we gotta strategize.
There she is, boys.
The Redcoat stronghold.
Fort Porcero.
Willikers.
I wanna go
talk to them.
Maybe they'll listen.
Arnold! Wait!
Oh, poor, brave,
foolish boy.
If ever the
Oh, well,
maybe it'll work.
Abner! You there, boy?
Halt! Who goes there?
It's Arnold.
I've come for the pig.
Well, this is a war.
I don't intend to
just give it to you,
you odd-headed
little Yankee.
I'm serious, Rex!
Give me the pig!
What I'll give you
is a volley of
rotten pomegranates
and old cabbages.
Now,
you may fire when ready.
(GASPS)
Okay, no more
Mr. Nice Guy.
This calls for a little
Yankee ingenuity.
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
Everybody listen up.
(SAWING)
(HAMMERING)
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
(SHUFFLING)
(SAWING)
As soon as they
open the gate,
we jump out
and attack 'em. Okay?
This is brilliant, Napoleon.
Listen, it worked
for the Trojans
'cause they knew
the enemy was really vain
and easily flattered.
It worked
for the Trojans
because they knew
when to keep quiet.
Why in blazes
did you wake me?
They seem to be
surrendering,
Grandfather.
They brought a gift.
Look!
Hmm. Some kind of pig.
Clever that. Halt,
who goes there?
Eh, who do you think,
prune face?
It's the Americans!
Well, what do you want?
We realized that we
can't possibly win,
and offer this gift
as a token of our esteem
to your vast superiority!
Oh, this is indeed sweet.
Savor this, Rex.
The moment when
your enemy comes
to grovel.
Open the gate!
Ah, Sir, there is
a historical
precedent to this
that I think
we should consider!
Your job is
not to consider,
your job is to blow
the hunting horn.
Is that clear?
Open the gate.
Right, sir.
Ready?
ALL: Charge!
Come on!
(SCREAMING)
Abner!
(SQUEALS)
Hang on,
I'm coming, boy!
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the one
they call football head.
Oh, this is delicious.
But not as delicious
as that pig will be
once we roast it.
Rex, this isn't funny.
I'm serious,
I'm not gonna
let you eat my pet.
Your pet?
Yeah, Abner's my pet.
What did you think?
Oh, dear, your pet?
Like my Scottish terrier,
Peppy?
We were going
to eat him?
Oh, how beastly.
No! You've got
to save him!
(SQUEALS)
(GRUNTS)
(ALL CHEERING)
But Grandfather,
it was his pet.
What on earth
difference does that make?
You eat pork chops,
don't you?
Yes, but not ones
that I know personally.
See, Arnold,
I told ya.
We beat the Redcoats
with our native
pluck and ingenuity,
and got Abner back
safe and sound.
Right. Just never mention
Pig Wars to me
ever again, okay?
Listen, I'll make it
up to you.
I'll play the pig
next year.
How's that sound?
No thanks, Grandpa.
And you can
chase me around.
It'll be fun!
Grandpa
What do you say,
Abner, sounds good?
(GRUNTS)
Abner!
GRANDPA:
He's agreeing with me.
ARNOLD:
Don't even think
about it, Abner.
GRANDPA:
No, no, no.
You can catch me.
I won't even grease
myself up too much.
ARNOLD: Grandpa
Don't go there!
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(SQUEALS)
Abner!
Wait, wait.
Abner, no.
Pig Wars are bad.
No! Not as long
as I'm the pig.
I'm the pig!
No, you're not
gonna be the pig.
It's gonna take
a little more
grease, though.
Just don't cook me
and eat me!
(CHUCKLES)