Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e16 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) All right, one more time.
Take it from the top.
Kinch, this will be your starting position at the center of the compound.
Right, Colonel.
What's your weapon? Handmade zip gun.
Correct.
Newkirk, what's your starting position? to the west of Kinch.
Mm-hmm.
Your weapon? Bow and arrow, sir, with the arrow dipped in poison.
Correct.
LeBeau? Well, I start from over there, Colonel, and my weapon is a machete made of an old paint can.
Good.
Now, what about Schultz? Well, when we stalk our man, Schultz's normal position should be about the center of the compound near the water tower.
He should have a clear view of all of us.
Good.
So I'll position myself right next to Schultz.
We start in five minutes.
It's now 11:16.
Any questions? Yes.
Colonel, why do they have to kill me? Carter, where have you been? We're not going to kill you.
It's an attempt to kill you.
I understand that, Colonel.
You're playing a part.
CARTER: Yes, sir, I know.
I just don't feel the role.
It doesn't feel like me.
I mean, see, I've always thought of myself as a pretty nice guy.
Now, all of a sudden, I'm turning stool pigeon.
I just don't feel my motivation.
Carter, your motivation is I'm ordering you to do it.
Yes, sir.
Do you want me to go on? Yes, sir.
Would you? Come on, Carter.
Just pipe down.
It's my neck! ( all talking ) Hold it! Hold it! This is a difficult assignment.
If he wants to talk it out, I think we should give him all the time that he needs.
You got two minutes.
Well, I'm all for the objective and all that, but couldn't somebody else play the traitor? What in the world does he want? I don't understand.
All right.
Let's examine it.
Now we have received word from London that they think the Germans are up to something in chemical warfare, right? Right.
London wants the location of the factory turning it out.
Who here knows anything at all about chemical warfare? Who else could convince the Germans that he was in chemical warfare before he was captured? Who else could get on the inside and find out the location of that factory? Who? You really think I can do that, Colonel? No.
It's just that we don't have anyone else.
Get ready to move out.
Let's go.
Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Talk to you a minute? Colonel Hogan, I'd rather not.
Really? Oh, right now, I'm dreaming about a beautiful meal my wife is going to cook for me tonight, if, by some miracle, between now and then, she turns out to be a good cook.
And whenever you talk to me, Colonel Hogan, I always get into some kind of trouble.
Therefore, I'd rather not.
I'm glad you feel that way, Schultz.
Actually, it's a question of ethics.
Take it to the chaplain.
You don't understand.
Now, I've heard a rumor that one of the men in my command may defect to the Germans.
Why would he want to do a thing like that? A quirk.
Now, the problem is, some of the other prisoners may try to kill him before he goes over to your side.
He's better off dead.
What kind of loyalty is that, Schultz? I said nothing.
Nothing! So you see the decision I have to make.
No.
Should I? Should I let them go ahead and kill him-- in which case, they'd be punished by Colonel Klink? Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Or, on the other hand, should I try to stop them? Hello, Schultz.
Hi.
In which case, your side would get the services of a defector.
Hi, Schultzy.
Hi.
So what do you think I should do, Schultz? Well, in a matter like this, I would ask myself first Halt! CARTER: Help! Get me out Get me Schultz.
( all talking ) Help! They're gonna kill me! Help! What's going on here? Stop it! Now I have to take you to the Commandant's office.
Attention! Right face! Forward! Where are you going? To Klink's office as a witness.
No! Witness to what? To how well you handled this whole ugly mess.
But, if you don't want me to All right, get in line.
Forward, march! Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei Eins, zwei, drei Now Colonel Hogan told you, Schultz, that one of his men was about to defect to our side, right? Right, Herr Kommandant.
I told you that in confidence, Schultz.
Quiet, Hogan.
Not one single fact shall escape my rigorous interrogation.
I was afraid of that, sir.
Now, rather than have Carter join the all victorious Third Reich, these men thought to kill him, huh? Herr Kommandant, being alert as usual, I was able to spot them and guess their intentions right away.
Moving in swiftly ( laughs ) at great personal risk Schultz, you told me.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Hogan, punishment for these men must be immediate and severe.
Commandant, let me just say, on my men's behalf, they were motivated by the highest form of patriotism-- knowing the evil secrets that Carter carries in his head.
Forget I said that.
Said what? What evil secrets? He's only a sergeant in the Air Force.
I talk too much.
What is this all about? Well, sir Carter, you tell them one word, just one, about your background in CW Ah! Forget it.
I was just rambling just rambling.
Uh-huh.
CW-- chemical warfare.
Carter was in chemical warfare? I'm not going to say another word.
Schultz, we have a prize here.
See to it that this man is sent to Berlin in the morning.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Don't believe him, men.
Just trying to throw us off the trail.
Wait, Schultz! What trail? Oh, come on, Commandant.
You're too cunning and experienced a man to send Carter off to Berlin without first checking him out.
Oh, come on.
You don't expect us to buy that.
But, if I'm not sending him to Berlin, what am I doing with him? Putting him up in your quarters where the prisoners can't get at him until you bring in a couple of German chemical warfare experts from the factory to check him out.
That's very clever, Commandant.
By the way, where is that factory? Hogan, even I don't have that information.
Schultz, prepare my quarters for the defector.
I mean, our good comrade.
And place a 24-hour guard on all sides of the building.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
You certainly take charge, sir.
My men are free to go? Go.
No, wait.
I have not yet assigned punishment for them.
They are to remain here until I do.
I'm certainly glad of that, Commandant.
The men just hate that walking-around free period until you dream up something diabolical.
Hogan, they're free to go.
I put my foot into it again.
Come on.
Let's go.
Carter, just tell me one thing.
Why did you do it? I don't remember, Colonel.
Why did I do it? 'Cause you're rotten clear through.
Gee.
Carter, don't worry.
Now you have new, warm, wonderful friends.
Swell.
We must have something now.
Nothing, nothing.
How much longer, Kinch? I don't know, Colonel.
Could be five minutes, maybe five hours.
Great.
Anything could be happening up there.
Anything.
You don't have to worry about Carter, sir.
He's a very fast thinker, if you give him enough time.
What is it, Colonel? What's happening? We can't patch through to Klink's quarters.
The bug isn't working.
What's going on? I couldn't get through.
Too many guards.
Looks like they're having dinner.
Carter and who else? Carter and Klink and the general from the chemical warfare factory and a woman.
Woman? What woman? The one who came with the general.
Is it his wife? Who? Not his wife, that's for sure.
Scientist? I wouldn't mind working in her laboratory.
Any chance with that thing, Kinch? Doesn't look good.
LeBeau, Newkirk, come with me.
I don't like the way this thing's going.
We'll go through the tunnel to Klink's quarters.
And then out through the trapdoor? Only if we have to, but be ready.
( instrumental music playing ) Well, shall we? Very interesting story, my dear Carter.
Very interesting.
Uh, by the way, what is your correct rank? Major.
An interesting story, Major.
You were dropped in Germany carrying a certain chemical agent? An incapacitating agent? Permanently incapacitating, General.
Which you were directed to use on one of our aircraft plants? Through the water supply.
Ah.
Barbaric.
But you were captured before you could use it, Major.
No, ma'am.
I had plenty of chances.
Oh? You see, after I got to know the German people, they seemed so, uh well my kind of folks.
You know? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Our music, our literature Just real folks.
And, subsequently, you were captured? Yes, so I used my, uh, cover identity-- Air Force sergeant shot down on a routine bombing raid.
Mm-hmm.
But-But why didn't you come to me, Carter? I would have welcomed you with open arms.
I am your kind of folks.
I was afraid of the other prisoners, Commandant.
They haven't seen the light like I have.
And this substance that you were carrying, uh Well, that was destroyed when I was captured.
Those were my orders.
But you have some knowledge of the formula, Major? Oh, yes, ma'am.
You might say I invented it.
Uh, General Wittkamper, perhaps, uh, we might be able to use this on those barbarians on the other side? An excellent idea, Klink.
I should never have thought of it.
Major Carter, what terms would you consider satisfactory to work for the greater glory of the Third Reich, hmm? I just want to be trusted.
We trust you.
Of course, we do.
And, may I say, we admire you.
I do, too.
Ever since you were brought to Stalag 13, there was something about your face that Klink.
Because, back home, even when I was a kid, nobody ever trusted me just because I liked to do certain things to cats and grasshoppers, butterflies We understand you.
Fine.
When do I go to work, and where's the factory? You don't trust me either.
It isn't exactly that.
General, perhaps you and the commandant might like to go out for some fresh air while I discuss with Major Carter the technical aspects of our business.
Excellent.
Fraulein Richter is one of our most brilliant researchers, Major.
You will find conversation with her highly stimulating.
Klink.
Uh, yes? Come.
Uh, the, uh, moonlight view of the prison's laundry is simply Klink.
Yes, sir.
I will deal with him quickly, General.
He could be a valuable man or a most dangerous one.
Enjoy yourself, Major.
I thought they would never leave.
Oh, really? Shall we discuss our work? Uh, that'd be fine.
Or shall we not? The war is so long.
Encounters such as this are short.
The weak hope for a tomorrow that never comes.
The strong take what they want tonight.
Well, I guess there's something to be said on both sides.
You are shy.
I will get you a drink.
That'd be fine.
Cranberry juice, if you have it.
Drink.
My bags are in the next room.
Now that you have something to make you less shy, I will want something to make me more comfortable.
Fine.
( whispering ): Don't drink that.
Hi, Colonel.
Shh! How am I doing? I don't know.
We just got here.
LeBeau, check the door.
Carter, I think she's trying to get you drunk.
I think she kind of goes for me.
Here, empty this somewhere, and fast.
Give me your hat.
My hat? Come on.
Now, look, keep your head, don't drink anything, and don't talk too much.
Right.
Do you have any idea at all if they're on to you? No, sir.
And she's really a nice girl, Colonel.
Really.
Carter, she's an expert in the nastiest kind of warfare.
Yes, sir, but I think she kind of goes for me.
Here, come on.
Hey, Colonel.
Carter.
She seemed like such a nice girl.
All right, we've got a fast decision to make here.
Carter, you've been spotted as a phony.
That's why they tried to knock you off.
Now, you can come back with us through the tunnel if you want to.
Sure.
But what happens then? They'll tear this place apart, probably uncover our whole operation.
We can't leave him here, sir.
It's up to him.
The food's pretty good, even if the drinks are lousy.
I'll stay.
Good boy.
We'll try to get something going for you.
Hey, this was great.
I thought you were going to change into something more comfortable.
See you a minute, Commandant? Of course not.
Out, Hogan! These couldn't be the people from chemical warfare, could they? Just what I wanted to talk to you about.
Klink, who is this man? Colonel Hogan, senior POW officer.
Now, Hogan, I've told you You'd be interested in this, General.
It's a farewell note we just found from Carter.
He has gone nowhere.
When he left our side for yours.
Explains the whole thing.
Hogan, we're not interested! Are we? What does it say? It explains his motives.
The poor devil was starved for a decent meal, so he thought this wild story about being in American chem warfare would at least get him some food and a soft bed.
Asks us not to hate him for it.
Touching, really.
Most enlightening.
Most enlightening.
I suppose you found him out already anyway.
Of course we have.
Have we? This man is very transparent, Klink.
He wants us to give Carter back to them so they can kill him.
Sorry, my friend.
Fraulein Richter and I have checked him out completely.
We are taking him to our factory today.
So you still think he's for real, huh? Unfortunately, yes.
Klink, we will leave within the hour.
You will provide an armed guard as far as Hammelburg.
Yes, Herr General.
Schultz! It's a waste of time.
The man's a phony.
Of course.
But, right now, he is our phony.
Resign yourself.
Here they come.
Schultz is up front with the driver acting as guard.
Him we can handle.
Carter is in the back with General Wittkamper and the woman.
No other escort? No.
Staff car just cleared the gate, mon Colonel.
Good.
Let's go.
Everything all right, Colonel? Yeah.
Okay.
It's going to be tight, but I think we can cut them off where the road doubles back just before the bridge.
That's close to one of the tunnel exits.
Yeah.
Too close.
Weapons ready? Yeah.
Right here, Colonel.
Thanks, Kinch.
Well, there's one thing I still don't understand, Colonel.
What? Well, if they really believe that Carter's for real, why'd the woman try to kill him? I don't know.
Maybe she gets her kicks that way.
Yeah, when you spend the whole day making poison gas, you got to have something for relaxation.
A pussycat.
A real pussycat.
All right, let's try on the hoods.
All right.
Good.
Good.
Very good.
All right, uh, just one more thing before we go.
This is dangerous.
It's broad daylight, and that area right now is loaded with German troops.
I want you to understand this mission is on a strictly voluntary status.
So what, Colonel? Just want to make that plain.
Let's go get Carter, Colonel.
Now, Colonel, now.
Why are we standing here? Okay.
Let's go.
What's the plan, Colonel? Aside from grabbing Carter, I don't know.
If there's any chance, I still want the location of the factory.
Car coming, Colonel! Come on.
Let's go.
Hey, hey! Stop! Out of the car! Schnell, schnell! Everybody out on the road! Schnell, now! Out, schnell! Schnell! Take it! Take it! I have no connection with the whole group.
I was just following orders.
Over there! Major, I demand to know the meaning of this.
I am General Wittkamper of the Wehrmacht.
General, the Gestapo does not take orders from the Wehrmacht.
If you are a Gestapo, why are you wearing these hoods? General, have you never seen a Gestapo execution squad? We have top secret information that there is a traitor among you.
I suggest he confess fast, so that the end can be peaceful.
( stammers ) While I strongly resist the word "traitor," it is true at Stalag 13, I have sometimes looked the other way at certain happenings amongst the prisoners, which, I will, of my own free will, tell you about now.
I'm not interested! Wonderful! The treason I'm talking about has materially affected the war effort of the Fuhrer.
Major, I agree that the chemical warfare program under my direction has produced no decisive weapons.
It is true that certain small amounts earmarked for research have, from time to time, uh, perhaps been diverted into more personal projects.
Although I-I stand ready to pay back every cent.
Further, possibly General do not incriminate yourself.
I am the one they are after.
You? RICHTER: Yes.
You knew it was me, of course.
Major Carter would have told you.
I am a traitor to the Third Reich, and I am proud of it.
I know that you will shoot me, but first I will have my say.
I used the general.
Used him to gain control of an entire research program, and then I sabotaged it every step of the way.
Yes I did hold up production by many months.
If I could have given the location of the factory to the Allied bombers, I would have done so, too, happily.
Come here.
You, too! Schnell! Move! Go ahead, shoot.
Don't be in such a hurry.
Look.
You.
You're the American from Stalag 13.
Colonel Hogan.
I sort of had a hunch, Colonel.
It's our type of operation.
But I don't understand.
HOGAN: It could've been simple, but it got complicated when you tried to kill him.
Yeah, why did you do that if you were on our side? Because she thought you were for real.
Oh.
I told you she was a nice girl.
When did you escape? We didn't escape.
We've got to be back by noon roll call.
Wait a minute.
You! At your service, Herr Major.
Take this prisoner back to camp.
He knows nothing about chemical warfare.
Nothing! Jawohl, Herr Major! I never thought so.
How about the general? He stays.
He's under arrest.
Go! Jawohl, Herr Major! Come on, let's go.
Thank you.
Come on.
Driver, let's go.
What's this? You're not Gestapo.
Lucky for you, General, we're going to get you out of the country, both of you.
But I don't want to get out of the country.
When your factory is blown up, and you get the blame, you'd rather stay here? I'm coming with you.
Where are we going? Grand Central Station, Stalag 13.
And you expect me, Hogan, to merely restore Carter to normal duty without any punishment at all? I don't expect it, Commandant.
The Gestapo major gave the order to Schultz.
He did? How do you know? You told me.
How else would I know? Oh All right, all right, all right, now.
What about Newkirk, LeBeau, Kinchloe? He didn't say anything about them, did he? Did he? Schultz, I'm asking you.
Herr Kommandant, as nearly as I can recall Yes or no? Look, Commandant, why don't you just forget the whole matter? Forget the whole matter? I mean, look at it this way.
Are you really interested in finding out what happened to General Wittkamper and the woman? Of course not.
It's a Gestapo matter.
It's a Gestapo matter.
And if they wanted you to do anything to Newkirk, Kinch and LeBeau I have a better idea.
Why not call Berlin and ask them? Forget it.
Very generous of you, Commandant.
A few more decisions like that, I could almost be convinced to come over to your side.
Almost.
Hogan! Who needs you? ( chuckles ) ( grunts )