In Living Color (1990) s03e16 Episode Script

[Man Announcing.]
We interrupt regular programming to present.
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the In Living Color Super Halftime Party.
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live from Hollywood.
Brought to you by bite-sizeDoritos brand tortilla chips.
Hey, hey, hey! What's up, what's up, what's up? - We hope you enjoyed the first half of the game.
- [Cheering.]
Welcome to the In Living ColorHalftime Countdown Party.
We're coming to you live from Fox Studios in Hollywood.
Hey, I know what you guys are thinking.
You are thinking, " Hey, are these bozos gonna make us miss any part of the second half?" That's where this comes in.
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our Super Bowl countdown clock.
It'll be coming in later in the show to let you know when to switch back to the second half.
You won't miss any of the senseless brutality.
But check this out.
The bad boys of comedy got a lot of action for you right here.
.
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Fire Marshall Bill, Men On, and Color Me Badd performing here live.
[Cheering.]
And about 2,000 censors ready to pull the plug at any moment.
So if you're ready, hey, we're ready.
So let's hang out with the Homeboyz right now.
- What's up? - Get out of here! [Indistinct Shout.]
[Together.]
Welcome to the Homeboyz Shopping Network.
- That's right.
- For all you Super Bowl fans, I'm Wiz, this is the Ice Man.
[Together.]
Chillin'.
Yo.
Welcome to our Super Bowl halftime sale.
We got some super slick, smash it with a brick, if you don't like it, you can.
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Sorry, censors, that's merely a display item.
Yeah, that's right.
Comin' to you live.
Y'all in the house.
Yo, check it out.
For all you little couch potatoes out there, sitting there saying.
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- " Yo, homeboy, how can I get closer to the action?" - Bip.
Bip.
Best seats in the house.
Yo.
Not only will we get you on the field, but we can actually get you in the game.
- That's right.
- [Groaning.]
- They broke my ribs.
I want my money back.
- [Both Laugh.]
Another satisfied customer.
Yo, show 'em the n'other stuff.
Show them the n'other stuff.
For all you collectors out there, we've been doing a little collecting of our own.
Check it out.
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NFL player cards.
Got all your favorites right here.
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MasterCard, Visa, Thurman Thomas' gold card.
Yo, didn't Thurman Thomas just sign, like, one of those " multi-million dollar.
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get a ho and a couple of yachts, and be lovely for life" type deals? - I think so.
- [Scoffs.]
- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? - I think so.
Sorry, customers.
That one was just a display item.
But don't fret none.
- 'Cause we got some n'other stuff.
- We like to call it: [Together.]
Jewelry, jewelry, jewelry.
Check it out.
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Super Bowl rings and things.
I know some of you are sitting out there saying.
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"Homeboyz, these rings are a little big for me.
" That's why with every purchase we're gonna give you, absolutely free, this jar of NFL vitamins.
That's right.
Within six months, you'll be wearing these bad boys like pinkie rings.
Yo, what else we got, homey? [Trilling.]
Show 'em the n'other stuff! Show 'em the n'other stuff! For all the little kiddies out there, if you act now, for a limited time only.
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these autographed NFL footballs, autographed by Mark Rypien himself.
- How you do that, homeboy? - Let's just say I did a little quarterback sneak of my own.
- Sign this.
- Put that one, "To Laquida.
" That's L-A.
.
.
quida.
You figure it out.
[Scoffs.]
Yo, just a tip, y'all.
In the second half, bet heavy on the 'Skins.
- Exactly.
- Now, homeboy.
- What? - I said, "homeboy.
" - What? - Don't make me say "homeboy" again.
Suppose I want to watch Super Bowl action next year.
- Uh-huh.
At home? - At home.
Say no more.
- Hoo! Let's go to the wide-screen.
- Oh, snap! Yo, you hook this bad boy up in your living room, pop out some O.
E.
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throw in a couple of porno tapes, you'll be the toast of the neighborhood.
- That's right.
- Yo, Pee-wee Herman might even come by your pad.
Now, you set them chairs out there and you have your own version of Pay-Per-View.
And you know what that means: Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money! - Yeah.
- That's right.
And last but not least.
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.
For the guy who buys the most merchandise, you will be our M.
V.
P.
- Most Valuable Perpetrator.
- That means you get to drive this baby home.
- Yo, check out the classic lines.
- Yeah.
- Check out the headlights.
- Uh-huh.
- Check out the trunk space.
- Yeah, and the car comes with it too.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Security alert, level five.
Security alert, level five.
Uh-oh.
I think that's our two-minute warning.
Yo, homeboy, now that we've discounted all this lovely merchandise.
.
.
- what we gonna do next? - Yo, we gonna go break into Disneyland.
Peace, y'all.
[Announcer.]
Stay tuned for Fire Marshall Bill.
- [Cheering.]
- Whoo! Yea! Welcome back to the party.
We hope you're having a great Super Bowl Sunday.
But more importantly, we're hoping you have a safe Super Bowl Sunday.
Fire Marshall Bill has got some very important tips for everyone.
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so please pay attention because what you hear could just save your life.
[All Imitating Fire Marshall Bill.]
Let him show you something! [Man On TV.]
Well, it's halftime here at the Super Bowl.
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and.
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.
[Chuckles.]
What a super band, huh, Bob? - Another pitcher of flaming kamikazes, Steve-o! - [Man.]
You got it.
[Whistle Blowing.]
Football and alcohol: A deadly combination! Howdy folks.
I'm Fire Marshall Bill.
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here to make sure your Super Bowl Sunday is a s-s-safe one.
Uh-oh.
I see someone servin' up some danger.
Hey! Just what gives here, Bloody Mary? My name is Mindy, and I'm busy.
Serving drinks to these yahoos during halftime can be lucrative.
But it can also put you out for the season.
What if some practical joker switches your cocktail tray.
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with this here regulation dartboard? Everyone's a little tipsy.
You go to collect on the tab.
Ah la la la la la la la La la la la la la Hey, guys, how about throwing me a few tips? Well, what do you know? Someone got a bull's-eye.
[Cackling.]
Hold it just a firecrackin' minute.
- Is that a karaoke machine you've got there? - Yeah.
Well, it's awful close to your big-screen TV.
- Let me show you something! - [Dartboard Thuds.]
Let's just say you're singing an inspirational football song.
Rock 'em, sock 'em, kick 'em till you lick 'em Go t-t-t-t-t-team Then all of a sudden, one of your buddies gets football fever.
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and decides to Gatorade you like so.
Oh, man.
! My big-screen's ruined.
!Jocko, 86 this creep.
- I wouldn't do that, Jocko.
- Aah! When you've been electrocuted as many times as I have, who needs a zapper? - [Cackling.]
- [Electrical Sizzling.]
'Scuze me, fellas.
Hey! [Purring Groan.]
What the hell's that supposed to teach us? Some things you just have to learn for yourself.
Okay, sports fans, one more demonstration.
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and my job here is done.
Let's just say you guys decide to have a little Super Bowl of your own.
What you don't know is this place was built on an ancient terrorist burial ground.
Your quarterback is possessed by the demon spirit.
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of a munitions expert from the Irish Republican Army.
[Singing Irish Song.]
Coach calls for a long bomb.
He takes him literally, throwing this explosive device into the end zone.
You score the T.
D.
You're having an epiphany.
You're gonna celebrate.
Everybody run! Sunday, bloody Sunday.
[Reciting Song Lyrics.]
[Singing.]
Hey! They're trying to land the blimp! You know, these mooring lines can be extremely flammable.
- Let me show you something! - [All Scream.]
Oh, the humanity.
[Cackling.]
[Announcer.]
Next up,the million-dollar giveaway and Men On Football.
[Cheering.]
Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you very much.
This is Sugar Ray Leonard here at the halftime party.
We pulled a couple of celebrities out of the crowd so they could tell us.
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just how the party was going.
All right.
Here we got Phil from Drexell's Class.
Do you like it? Is this good for you? I'm having the time of my life, man.
This is absolutely the best thing that I've ever done in my life.
Are you enjoying the guacamole? Are you enjoying the nachos? Are you enjoying the beer? Are you having a good time? All that and a bag of chips, man.
It's the best.
The best.
I heard that.
Now, we got Blair Underwood here.
[Whooping.]
- Sugar Ray, Sugar Ray.
- Blair, are you enjoying the festivities? Is it a little different for you being here for Super Bowl? - Are you enjoying the nachos? Are you enjoying the guacamole? - Oh, I'm feeling good.
The guacamole's good.
The Redskins are winning.
I'm feeling good.
I hear that.
Now we're gonna go on over here.
If you watch Totally Pauly, this is Pauly.
Pauly's a friend of mine.
Pauly, are you enjoying this? Is there enough "nugs" in the house for you? - Excuse me, sir? - Is there enough "nugs" in the house for you, Pauly? Uh, yes, sir, there's plenty of Fly Girls here, and they're very moist-ure.
- Whoa.
- Now, did you bring Corky with you? Is Corky here? - Yeah, Corky's here too.
- From Parker Lewis.
Yeah, there he is.
Can you step on up here for a minute? Everybody give him a round of applause.
Are you enjoying the festivities? As you can see.
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we got girls here, we got guys here, everybody's having a good time.
People are having beer, people are having guacamole and nachos.
- Are you enjoying the festivities so far? - I'm having a great time.
You? I'm having a very, very, very, very, very, very good time.
Now, we're gonna go to Men On, everybody, Men On.
- [Disco.]
- [Announcer.]
Cable access channel 96.
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presents Men On Football.
- Hello! I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.
[Together.]
And welcome to Men On Football.
The show that looks at football from a male point of view.
That's right.
Tonight we're live and uncensored.
- That's right, naked to the world.
- Peekaboo! Please, stop.
Do you know we have a new sponsor? Wilson Sporting Goods.
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the official balls of the NFL.
I ain't said a word.
You know, a lot of people were very surprised to hear.
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that we was doing a special football show.
But we've been fans of football for many years.
I mean, what other game boasts such great names like Dick Butkus? Or my favorite, Bob Griese.
- Now, isn't he a tight end? - He was.
Still, there's a lot of things about this game that could be better, like the uniforms.
[Together.]
Hated 'em.
For instance, you know, I was so disappointed when I found out.
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that those numbers on the back, they were just for identification.
Oh, I know what you mean.
The smallest one I saw was 11.
And then I saw one that said 78.
Child, I almost fainted.
[Giggles.]
You need to stop.
And you know, I found that those padded shoulders were just tooJoan Crawford.
- Mm-hmm.
And speaking of old fish.
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.
- Mm-hmm.
What about those cheerleaders? [Together.]
Hated 'em.
I mean, what good are they? Everybody knows that these are mens.
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who just look at each others for they "strungth" and inspiration to do they best.
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not some scallop on the sidelines.
Fuff! - I don't understand why they bring 'em in.
- Mm-hmm.
And what about this matchup today, the Buffalo Bills against the Washington Redskins? Oh, yes! It's like playing cowboys and Indians.
[War Whoop.]
Well, tie me up and scalp me, but I'd be a lot more entertained.
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if they were playing with the Oilers and Packers.
That's a thought.
[Chuckles.]
- Now, what's your favorite play of the game, 'Toine? - Well, to be truthful.
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- Mm-hmm? - For me nothing beats.
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that "resquisite" moment of tension.
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right before the play begin.
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as the muscular, sweaty football mens get down on that line of scrimmage.
There they is, eyeball to eyeball.
They breaths is comin' out like steam from a big bull's nostrils.
I just got three words to describe it.
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de-li-cious.
I'm through.
Uh-oh, I think I just sprung a leak.
- And speaking of football, let's bring back thatJoe Namath.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll never forget the time when he put on those panty hose on national television.
It must have taken so much courage for him to come out and say, " This is me.
This is who I am.
Call me BroadwayJoe, 'cause that's how I do it.
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the 'broad' way.
" - [Blows Whistle.]
- Time out.
Now, you got to reverse that call.
Joe Namath is married.
Hello! Now, I'm very confused about this part of the game.
Now, Blayne, we all know what a red flag in the right pocket means.
- Mm-hmm.
- But what does a yellow flag in the left pocket mean? - Oh, I think those are the wide receivers.
- Mm-hmm.
- But there's so much about this game that's so confusing.
- Mm-hmm.
For instance, why do they stop a play when there's too many mens on the field? - To me, that's party time.
- Because, Blayne.
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too many mens, that's an illegal formation.
Well, if love is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Oh, you don't know the first thing about football.
And you don't know the first thing about lotion.
So anyways.
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.
Oh, you about to seriously work my last good nerve, ain't you? Don't get mad, 'Toine.
Is that all you? [Giggles.]
You can show me how to play.
Teach me.
Go ahead.
- Okay.
You have a ball? - I think I have one right here.
Come on.
- Now.
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.
- I think I played this one before.
All you have to do is say "hike" and take the little, blue ball and start running.
But isn't that gonna hurt you? Take the ball, silly.
Go ahead.
Say, "Hike.
" [Both Squealing.]
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Where's all the mens that's supposed to chase me? I don't like this game.
Well, that's our show for this week.
But before we go.
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we'd like to salute all the mens playing the Super Bowl with our special Super Bowl snap.
[Together.]
Two snaps and your backfield in motion.
- Good-bye! - Good night.
[Disco: Women Singing.]
[Announcer.]
Stay tuned for Color Me Badd.
Okay, thank you, Roger.
Halftime is almost over.
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but we're gonna try to get some last-minute instructions from the coach.
We're gonna try to get a word from him right now.
Here he comes now.
- Coach, can we get a word from you real quick? - [Man.]
Yeah, you sure can.
Now, what did you tell your players before they left the locker room for the second half? Well, what I told them was just relax and concentrate and play some ball.
I mean, you know, you leave the candy and the girls alone.
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because that makes your legs weak, you know.
What I'm trying to get 'em to do is don't let them dictate the game.
And I believe if we play as hard as we can, then we can play up to our potential, O.
J.
Well, look, how do you feel about the team's first-half performance? Well, anytime you have a big game, I mean, you're gonna have some jitters.
I mean, if we could start sticking some people, puttin' the hands on the people.
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you know, give 'em then I believe the Super Bowl is ours.
Okay, well, look here.
What do you think your guys are gonna do 'round about the second half? You got a lot of opportunities to get going.
Buffalo's got its running game going well.
What are you gonna do about that? They're really penetrating, a lot of running.
What are you guys gonna do about that? Well, what we're gonna do is play some control-type offense.
I mean, we gotta keep the ball from them in the second half.
- I mean, you know.
.
.
[Indistinct.]
- [Horn Honks.]
Open that up.
I mean, because if we don't do that.
.
.
I know it's hard to hear me.
But we'll get a few breaks, and we'll be fine, you know.
But as you know, this game is a game of ups and downs.
So we're gonna go out there and get the momentum goin' for us, you know? Well, look, Buffalo got their running game going early.
They're penetrating the lines.
What are you gonna do about that? Are you gonna put some linebackers in? - What is gonna happen in the second half? - What we're gonna try to do.
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is get our passing game going.
As you know, the war's not over.
The battle has to keep being fought.
You can't allow them to play.
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.
I mean, they're playing worse than my grandmother would play.
- So they just gotta go out there with our heads on.
- [Gunshots.]
Well, I think that's the signal for the second half.
I got one more question to ask you.
- All right.
- Are you gonna go with your air attack? We haven't seen you do a lot of that in this game.
Well, we're gonna keep running at 'em with what we have.
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and then we're gonna try to keep, you know, get the passing game wide open for it.
- Well, thank you, Coach.
I'm gonna have to wrap this up.
- All right, O.
J.
Roger, back to you.
We're gonna be looking forward to a great second half of football.
[Shoes Thudding.]
I'd like to thank everybody who was involved in our first live show: - My cast, of course, all the writers.
.
.
- [Scattered Shouts.]
A great tech crew, all our special guests.
We had a great time.
I want to thank all you folks for tuning in.
Remember, we're here every Sunday, So come on back and check us out.
We got a very.
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- Keenen, Keenen, I just want to say.
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- What do you want to say, David? I just want to say thank you.
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And the people in the thing.
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[Screaming.]
And I want to.
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And I want to apologize for taking Buffalo! - Oh, oh! - Yeah! Oh, oh, oh! - Yo.
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- It's Karen's birthday.
Happy birthday, Karen.
.
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- and Billy, and Aunt Louise, and Carmen.
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.
- All right, all right! Hey, hi, Patrick in Wisconsin! [Giggles.]
- Who's Patrick in Wisconsin? - I have no friends.
You're dead, Patrick! You're a dead man! Stay away from my sister! All right, look.
Before we go, we got a very special guest joining us this week.
They're going number one on the pop charts this week.
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another song, the third one.
A very talented group with us here for you.
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Color Me Badd taking us home.
Thank y'all.
Peace.
[Hip-hop.]
[Man Singing.]
[Singing.]
[Vocalizing.]
[Singing.]
All right, let's do this.
[Continues.]
You feel so right, baby.
Yo, K.
T.
! [Rapping.]
[Announcer.]
Thanks forjoining us forthe In Living Color Super Halftime Party.
In just a few moments,we'll be returning you.
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to our regular programmingalready in progress.
That means more In Living Color.
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followed by a hilarious Married.
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.
with Children, except on the West Coast.
Check local listings.
[Continues.]
[Ends.]
- [Cheering, Applause.]
- Thanks.
- Thank you.