Kickin' It (2011) s03e16 Episode Script

You guys can complain all you want, but I had a really good time at the Seaford Fair.
We're just saying the fair's gone downhill.
I mean, the baby elephant was just a shaved dog with a hose taped to its nose.
Hey, Jerry, where'd you get that cool tie-dyed shirt? Oh, I didn't.
I just got on the spinning cups with Rudy after he had nine flavors of Italian ice.
It was eight.
That ninth color's the chili dog I had for breakfast.
Hey, Jack, I need to ask a favor.
You know that Seaford High news show that I'm on that everyone talks about? Our school has a news show? - And you're on it? - People talk about it? Yes, and I was hoping that Jack could do the weather, just for one day.
Why? Oh, well, we couldn't find anyone, so our producer Albert had to fill in.
He's not really the right guy for the job.
It's gonna be sunny tomorrow.
So get out your sunblock today! All right, if you want me to be your weatherman, I'll give it a shot.
Oh, cool.
Come on.
Let's go into dojo and practice for tomorrow.
- Should we? - I think we have to.
I am never speaking to any of you ever again! And I will tell you why! I invited you all to my birthday party, but no one come to celebrate the Phils.
That's my fault, Phil.
The fair was in town, we got free tickets and I totally forgot it was your birthday.
Guys, how about we make it up to him? Surprise! What?! For me? Yeah wait a minute.
You're not pulling the yak fur over my seeing balls.
- Look, Phil, we're really sorry - Save it, sister! Okay.
I thought you people were like family to me.
But what kind of family does this to a man who just wants to be loved? Oh, I feel horrible, Phil.
Look, I may have forgotten your birthday, but I didn't forget to get you a present.
Um Look, I got you this beautiful tie-dyed T-shirt.
Ugh.
I don't want this.
It smells like a pukey rainbow.
- Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do.
- Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kicking it with you.
Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate.
Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do.
- Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kicking it with you.
Guys, Phil is our friend.
And we let him down.
So we are gonna throw him the best birthday party ever.
All of his friends from the Mall are gonna come.
Joan's even working on Hachmachi dance.
Okay, I did a little research.
And the first thing you need for a traditional Hachmachi birthday party is six gallons of tortoise pee.
Got it.
How do you have six gallons of You get a tortoise and you make him drink lots of water.
It's called science, Kim.
Okay, look at the present that I got him.
It's a box for knickknacks made out of 10,000 toothpicks.
- Oh, can I see that? - Yeah, be very careful.
You know what I got him? His Mother.
Yeah, she hasn't seen him since he moved to Seaford.
I'm flying her over.
Mama Mima is gonna be the surprise at the party.
Best gift giver ever.
Dude, how could you afford to fly someone over from Hachmachistan? You know what, Jerry? Phil is my friend.
And you cannot put a price tag on friendship.
On a totally unrelated subject, tuition is going up 100 bucks a piece.
Kicking it with you.
And we're back in three, two During Friday night's football game, while cheering for the game-winning field goal, Coach Marmer blew a bladder gasket.
This reporter was on scene when it happened.
How are you feeling, Coach? And now our guest weatherman Jack Brewer.
Thank you, Milton.
Today, temperatures are rising due to a low barometric pressure system moving in from.
.
This is boring.
Jack, just read the prompter.
Forget about the prompter.
Look, if you want to know about the weather, it's gonna be hot out, so just open up a window.
You guys should hit the beach.
Grab your flip flops, put on your tank tops and shake out your mops.
And no matter the weather, stay cool, Seaford.
Will do! And we're out.
Well, Jack, uh that was interesting.
Yeah, I think it went pretty well.
Yeah.
You did the best you could.
And that's what counts.
Okay, everybody, they're almost here.
I told Jerry to bring Phil here blindfolded.
Jerry, Phil was supposed to have the blindfold on.
Oh, that makes so much more sense.
What is this? What are all these people doing here? "Happy Birthday, Phil"? Oh! You do love the Phil! Look, we may have forgotten your birthday but, we wanted to let you know that we really do love you.
And Rudy's on his way with a special surprise.
And I got a little surprise of my own! I have mastered the traditional Hachmachi birthday dance.
Happy Birthday! That was beautiful.
You even ended with a traditional face plant.
This couldn't get any better.
Yes, it could.
Come Give your Mama a great big kiss.
Mama? Oh And now it's time for weather.
With weatherman Jack.
Thank you, sunny.
Thank you, cloudy.
What is he doing here? Jack's a hit, especially with girls 15 to 15 1/2.
You realize Jack doesn't even know how to use a teleprompter.
He doesn't have to.
He's gonna wing it.
What?! You can't just wing it.
The is amateur high school journalism.
All I care about is getting more students to watch our show.
I'll do whatever it takes to get ratings.
It's gonna be a little gusty today.
This offshore swell is gonna bring in some swell waves for you surfers out there.
What am I doing surfing with a shirt on? Gah! He's going topless! We're expecting showers later tonight.
Ah! I want to apologize to the viewers who tuned into the news and wound up eyeballing this skin fest.
Uh, I think they'd rather watch me than the Milton Krupnik snooze fest.
How dare you! And we're out! Way to go, guys.
Thanks to you we probably lost all the viewers that we had.
- That was great.
- What? Jack and Milton fighting was the coolest thing that's ever happened on this show.
Everybody in school is already talking about it.
Oh.
I think I just found our new co-anchor.
Kickin' it with you.
You don't just spring a Hachmachi Mother on her son.
You might as well have wrapped up a large snake and give that to Phil.
Surpr not cool.
Who told? I have been living a lie.
My Mother thinks I am someone that I am not.
Well, why would you lie to your Mother, Phil? In my country, if a man my age is not successful and married with children, he has to return home and live in a tent with the grandmothers and the seals.
Well, hey, at least you're a successful businessman.
Please, in Hachmachistan, the only thing worse than selling falafel is being security guard at the Mall Malt ball factory.
Malt ball factory security guards Suckers! I told her that I am the futon King.
Phil, now, why would you do that? Because he's the King of a magical piece of furniture known as the futon.
I can think of no greater thing to be.
Hello, Mama.
Oh, these must be my grandpumpkas.
Er, actually, Mama, these are Uh, we're your grandpumpkas.
We are? I mean, we are.
That's us.
And this must be your wife.
Oh.
Phil doesn't have a A thing to worry about.
Because I'm his beautiful wife.
Because I'm his beautiful wife.
And I love him.
Okay, so that just happened.
Uh, yeah, Mama.
This is my beautiful family.
Joan, do you want your gum back? Oh, keep it, dear.
Kickin' it with you! A little bit more.
Little bit more and down.
Yes.
Definitely put it back where it was.
Listen, you.
I am not moving another futon by myself.
Look, I hope you appreciate what we're doing for you.
I do appreciate it very much.
And it's only for a few days.
You, Rudy, you're a true friend.
And I say this from the bottom of my heart Move those futons or you're fired, worm! Hello, Mother.
Ah, my wife.
Hello, dear.
There's my big, strong man working his heart out.
Here's your credit card.
Why did you take my credit card, dear? Oh well, because I knew you'd want me to have this necklace for our anniversary Dear.
I'm surprised you didn't get matching earrings to go with it, dear! Well, that's a great idea Dear.
Oh, my Father was wrong about you.
Can you believe we have to keep up this act until Mima leaves? Hey, my daddy don't pay you to flap your lips.
Go move a futon.
You know, Phil, I'm so ashamed.
A little part of me thought you were lying when you didn't send me a picture of your family.
But I see you have built a beautiful, wonderful life.
And given me a beautiful grandchild.
I gave you two.
Oh, right, the girl.
What is wrong with the Kims? Yeah, what is wrong with the Kims? Oh! Where do I start? Your pasty skin! Your tortoise lips! Your puny plucked eyebrows! You're going to grow old and alone.
That is why I'm going to give you Hachmachi makeover.
- Ho-ho! - Wait! Wait! Where is she taking me, dad? Dad?! Daddy! All right, guys.
We're going live in 30.
You know, the news is about actual news, not about how good you look.
News is about ratings.
You got to give the people what they want.
And they want this guy.
What they want is a great story, like that time I went undercover in the cafeteria for my piece about a sneezy chef.
No one will ever forget "snots in your tots".
Everyone forgot that story.
It was a dumb story.
Three, two, one! I'm Jack Brewer.
And I'm Milton Krupnik.
And here's our top story.
The school nurse reports that wedgies are down by 10% due to the recent expulsion of Glen, "The Ripper," Daniels.
And here with our next story Big hair! Big big hair! What? You did this! I didn't do anything.
Uh we're on air.
Try and be professional.
And on to our next news segment, "Inside Seaford".
I will be testing the P.
H.
level of our Seaford High drinking water With one little drop of That's it! No! No! No! Let me go! No! No! No! No no no.
- No-o-o-o! - Ah! And we're out! Oh, that was great, guys.
I'm gonna go talk to the Principal about getting more time added to the show.
Did he just say we were great? We just had an on-air brawl.
Why would he want us to fight if all he cares about is Ratings.
That's it.
Let's tell him we quit.
No, I think we should do one more broadcast.
Kicking it with you! You did not? Mama Mima, you're hilarious.
- What she say? - I have no idea.
Wait till you see what I have done with the Kims.
I took a lump of ugly and turned it into a lump of less ugly.
Kims! Have you ever seen anything like her before? Well, there's a horror movie where this creature crawled out of the Rudy! This hat is ridiculous.
Oh, Phil, I'm so proud of you.
I couldn't be happier.
I've made a decision.
I'm not going back to Hachmachistan.
I'm going to stay here with Phil And his beautiful family forever.
Oh, I think they fainted with the joy.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure that's it.
You know what, Mother? Let's celebrate.
Huh? We're going to the most expensive restaurant in town.
Phil would want that.
What a great story, Milton.
A dog with dentures, wow.
His bark really is worse than his bite.
Why are they getting along? We'd like to take a break from our normal routine and shake things up a bit.
Ooh, shake it! Shake it up, Jack.
We want you to meet a man who doesn't quite get the credit he deserves Our producer Albert.
Come on up here, Albert.
What? Why? What are you doing? What are you doing? Our ratings have tripled in the last few days and it's all because of Albert.
Oh, well, I don't know.
I mean I'm pretty good.
What am I standing in? Oh, that's just some quick-dry cement.
See, Albert understands that ratings can come from making people look like fools.
So we thought you'd help us with the weather.
But I don't want to help you with the weather.
Oh, look at that.
You're on TV and we didn't even give you a chance to fix your hair.
Why don't you use some of the hair volumizer you gave me? - No no no no.
- No? Why? No no no no no no no.
No! No.
Here's the weather for today.
We're expecting hail No no! And gale force winds Help.
Oh, woo! - Woo! - Oh! Oh! And a torrential downpour.
Poor little feller.
Oh-ho, look at that.
Nice.
You guys, we can do this.
She's an old woman.
We just have to keep up this lie for another 20 or 30 years.
Phil, come on.
You have to tell her the truth.
- Why? - Look at me! No, she's right, Phil.
Dude, we have to get back to our real lives.
No, you can't make me go back! I don't want to live in a world without faux fur.
Okay, fine.
I will tell Mama the truth.
Jerry! Kims! Tonight we dine like Kings.
We're going to the beach to collect the seaweed and the washed up pip-pips.
I don't know what a pip-pip is, but I'm telling you I am not gonna eat one.
No, Mama, there's something I must tell you.
These people, they're not My family is Phil, what are you trying to say? Joan is not my wife.
No! - Jerry is not my son! - No! And Kim is not my daughter.
No Body could be happier about the Kim news.
I am a failure, Mama.
This is not my family.
- I do not own this store.
- Oh.
I'm but a simple falafel flinger.
Falafel! You're a disgrace! Pack your things! We're going back to Hachmachistan.
You don't have family here.
Oh! Good-bye, everybody.
I will miss you.
Wait.
Yes, he does have a family.
Us.
But you're just a pretend family.
We love each other.
That's not pretend.
And we're always there for each other.
And that's the best kind of family that a man can have.
You did this because you love my Phil? Yeah, and we'd do it again.
Hang on, hon'.
Okay, I'm wearing yak slacks and I have two giant Caterpillars walking across my face.
Maybe you people are right.
The important thing is that my Phil be happy.
And you people make him happy.
- Everybody stand together.
- Why? I want to take a picture of my son's family.
Kim, move a little bit to the left.
A little more.
A little more.
You don't want me in the picture, do you? You are very smart for such a hideous creature.
Good.
Hup! A little more extension.
Hup! Awesome, that's great, guys.
Let's take a break.
So Kim, any word on when your eyebrows will be back to normal? My doctor doesn't know how Mima did it.
But he thinks that it'll be about three weeks.
They're really not even I mean, they're hardly Three weeks?