Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s03e16 Episode Script

Previously on Lois And Clark: And I just know that something bad's gonna happen to mess up our wedding.
You're the man I never thought I'd meet.
Prison authorities released Lex Luthor this morning.
Clark and I are working on a story about some stolen frogs, that are used in cloning.
They have a very fast metabolism due to some unusual enzymes they have.
Which makes them hungry most of the time.
He's a clon.
The only thing we have to do today is get married.
I pronounce you husband and wife.
This time tomorrow will be in Hawai.
- Is everything all right? - Stand by to be stunned.
Hello, Mrs.
Kent.
We have been through so much to get to this place but none of that matters.
It's perfect.
Are you as tired as I am? What? It's just the last few days, with all the wedding preparations and everything I'm just exhausted.
I'm not that tired.
Oh, Clark.
I'm sorry.
I just don't think I can keep my eyes open.
Good night.
Lois? Good night.
Welcome to your new home.
Oh, I know it doesn't look like much but I'm sure you'll find it cozy.
The whole time I was away, I was consumed by the memory of your beauty.
I can assure you the memory did not do you justice.
Lois, you out there? Hi.
Hi.
Would you like some coffee? I know you like coffee.
It's one of the many, many things I know about you.
Yeah, great.
Lois, can we talk about last night? Warmer than normal for this time of year.
Well, that depends on how you define "warm.
" Where are the cups? Where are the cups? Where are they? They' re right over there, to the right.
We switched them around a couple weeks ago.
Don't you remember? Of course I remember.
Why wouldn't I remember? T o the right, you say? Oh, yes.
There they are.
Just where I left them.
Lois, we waited and waited for our honeymoon night for a long time.
Because we wanted it to be one of the most special and memorable nights of our lives.
Are you saying it wasn't? -You fell asleep.
-I was tired.
I understand that.
I just.
I just hope that it wasn't something else, that's all.
Of course not, honey.
It was just a big day for me.
Lots of pressure.
Okay.
You're right.
Things will just get better when we get to Hawaii.
Oh, that's another thing.
I canceled the hotel in Hawaii.
What? With Lex Luthor loose, it's not a good time to leave the paper.
I didn't think you'd mind.
This is the kind of thing we should talk about first.
Is it? How would I know? I've never been married.
You have to give me time.
We both need time.
That's why I think Hawaii is such a good idea.
Honey you don't wanna make me unhappy, do you? It's a big adjustment.
I feel insecure.
I don't wanna leave town.
Lois, are you all right? All right, let's make a deal.
I'll lower your gag, but if you so much as breathe the name "Superman," I'll paralyze your vocal cords.
Now, I can't get fairer than that.
Now, let's hear that lilting voice.
You sick, twisted, disgusting sociopath.
-Oh, you finishing-school girls.
-They're scouring the country for you.
Your only chance is to turn yourself in and finish your time.
I was doing a double life sentence.
-You can catch up on your reading.
-My Lois has turned cruel? Well, see, life in this ugly city will do that.
-You'll be more chipper in the Alps.
-The Alps? I have a windowless fortress in a mountain.
You can scream "Superman" all day long but it'll get boring.
Why? Why would you want me? I'm marrying another man.
Well, yes, but you almost married me, so obviously you're flexible.
Lois some component in that brain of yours finds me irresistible.
Now, together we will find that little clump of cells and awaken it.
Don't ever do that again.
Things change while I was away? People tied up in chairs have room to negotiate? Lex! -Oh, my God.
-And what do you want? -You didn't tell me about the cups.
-What cups? What are you talking about? -ls this who Clark married? -They moved the cups.
-What have you done? -And for this you deserted your post? -I might make other mistakes.
-But you won't.
Clark isn't gonna suspect anything until she is out of the country, is he? Because you're gonna find out everything about Clark's friend Superman.
Anything that will help me destroy him.
Yes, Lex.
Now, go make Clark happy.
But I don't like him.
All those muscles, he's not my type.
You don't have a type.
You've been alive for nine days.
Now, look I'm the one that wrote the checks that had you made.
I am God.
God will smite you down! What's "smite" mean? Get out of here.
It's such perfect revenge that Clark Kent is married to that.
Please don't do that.
I can't bear it.
Clark and l thought this would be the happiest time of our lives.
Oh, but you can be happy, Lois.
You just have to keep an open mind.
Jimmy, what are you doing with Lois' computer? Lois is the expert on Lex Luthor, right, chief? I'm pulling up her Lex files.
-Maybe there's a clue.
-Oh, that's a good idea.
Boy, do I envy Lois and Clark right now.
You know, that wedding, that was the most romantic shindig I ever saw.
-What? -Did you know Lois was writing a novel? " The True and Amazing Adventures of Wanda Detroit.
" Looks like she was writing it a couple years back, forgot it was here.
Come on, Jimmy.
Just pull up the Luthor file.
"Wanda Detroit is my name.
I sing for drinks down at the dock.
-But it wasn't always like this.
" -"l taunted him with my smoldering smile.
-I knew Clark--" -Clark? -Oh, man, this is way psychological.
-This is none of our business.
Lois? Lois? Hi.
I have had the best day.
What do you think? It's different.
But nice.
I mean, it's very nice.
Lois, can we afford all this? Oh, please.
Don't be a drag.
I've been doing this all day.
It's hard work.
Well, if it makes you happy, it makes me happy.
I thought I'd whip up some dinner.
Crack open a bottle of wine.
Our first romantic evening at home.
I kind of thought we'd gotten off-track.
I mean, we're okay, right? What makes you ask that? I am keeping you happy, right? You are happy? Yeah, I'm happy.
Except one thing.
About Superman.
What? Well, I was just thinking that tonight would be perfect if Superman were here.
You want Superman here? I sure do.
Well, I suppose that could be arranged if that's what you really want.
Oh, it really is.
Let's just see if I can get ahold of him.
You.
You're Superman.
Yeah, Lois.
I mean, you're Superman.
Of course, you're Superman.
How about some dinner? I'm Mrs.
Superman.
I can have anything I want.
Cool.
I had that outfit made for you when we planned our wedding.
I'm very pleased you decided to wear it.
You were threatening me with a hypodermic needle.
It seemed like the thing to do.
Forgive me if I stare, but as it was in our past, your restless beauty stuns me.
The fire in your eye the pallor in your cheek the sultry curl of your lip.
It's nausea.
Do you know why I suffer such castigation at your hands? Because in a few hours we'll be sealed away in my fortress in the Alps.
You see, once my name and character were branded criminal my outcast status allowed the true Lex to blossom.
I was relieved at all pretense at respectability.
I may be starting over, but on terms far easier to stomach.
An empire of pure evil created solely for the enrichment and the glorification of us.
-You're insane.
-You're melting already.
And eventually you'll acclimate yourself to the seductive misuse of power.
Every lord needs a lady.
Every poet, a muse.
You'll be by my side, Lois, where you've always belonged.
Forever.
Let's get these gift sorted so the kids can return from their honeymoon to an organized place.
Clark? What are you doing here? Here? Oh, you mean " here" here.
Now.
Well, there was a tidal wave in the Philippines that needed looking into, so.
You and Lois had a fight.
Don't let it get you down.
Emotions run high on a honeymoon, both good and bad.
-Sparks are gonna fly.
-I wish.
Honey, you know you can talk to us about anything, right? What's on your mind? Christmas tree lights.
Sorry? You know how when the holidays come up and you're all excited about making your house just explode with warmth and love so you go out and buy a new box of lights and you hang them on the tree and you're just waiting for that burst of warmth and love and then you plug them in and nothing happens.
-Nothing happens? -Nothing.
No sparks? No flickering? No electricity at all? The power is out.
The two of you have more electricity than anyone I've ever seen.
I think we've pretty much beaten this metaphor to death.
I'm telling you, Mom.
It's like Lois is another person.
So you're saying you're living with an impostor? I only have one quick stop to make before we board the plane.
We're knocking over a bank? Do you recall the account I opened up for you in honor of our pending nuptials? -No.
-Well, I deposited a little mad money in it.
About $200 million.
I've had $200 million sitting around all this time and never knew it? I needed some cash that was quickly available and not traceable to me.
So, what if I refuse to go inside and withdraw it? -Then how do you get your blood money? -Simple.
Send in the clone.
-What? -I've rethought this.
I'm totally and completely bored with your controlling me.
-It's totally and completely unfair.
-So? So you get to go to Europe and have fun and ski and have her, and I want something too.
-You are in no position-- -I wanna be left alone with Clark.
There are sides to him that I didn't know about before.
What are you talking about? I have a secret.
Actually, it's not my secret, it's someone else's.
But it's super cool.
-Know what I mean? -Look, if this is some little game that you're playing, I want-- I want-- Superman! No! Super-- Loose lips sink ships.
So no more spying for you, no more reporting in.
Oh, and I want all the different cable TV channels.
That's the deal.
I do not cut deals with clones.
-I guess the money stays in the bank.
-Listen to me-- You don't wanna make a scene, do you? Follow that clone.
Wretched, wretched creature.
Honey? Honey, I need $2 for frozen yogurt.
Lois, you know you can't call me " honey" in public.
And I'm a little bit busy right now.
Superman, two people are trapped in one of the subway cars.
-You okay? -Thank you, Superman.
-You're ignoring me.
I hate that.
-I'm not ignoring you.
-I just had some lives to save.
-You never have any time for me.
Maybe I should just move to L.
A.
and become a supermodel.
I always have time for you.
-Superman! Help! -Except now.
Lady, you all right? That's my twin sister, Lois.
Lois, let me get you to a doctor.
Lois? What are you looking at? She's fine.
Nothing personal.
It's just not enough room in the world for both of us.
Stop! Stop! I needed a lift.
It's life-or-death.
Red's Dockside Plumbing.
Are you okay? -Looks like.
-I'm Red Dixon.
And you're? Come on, you got a name, don't you? Everyone's got a name.
Are you from around here? Me, I'm from Dallas.
-Detroit.
-Oh, Detroit.
-You're from Detroit.
-No.
No, that's my name.
Detroit.
Wanda Detroit.
Pleased to meet you, sugar.
"'I'll call you sometime, Wanda,' Clark said as he disappeared for the millionth time.
He had a secret he was hiding.
I was sure of it.
He made me angry like no other man could.
" She must've been steamed the day she wrote this.
-Hello.
-Lois.
-Jimmy.
-I can explain this.
-See, I accidentally-- -I have been shopping all day.
Clark doesn't understand what hard work that is.
Jimmy have I ever told you how attractive you are? What? -No.
No, you haven't.
Thank you.
-Well, you certainly are.
Free for lunch? We could go out for frog legs.
I've-- I've gotta work.
Lois -I read your book.
-What book? Oh, my book.
Would you like me to autograph it? No.
It's on your computer.
You.
You wrote it two years ago.
Chief, was Lois writing a book two years ago? Yeah, we sort of stumbled across it.
She would remember something like that.
Excuse me? Chief, this company ski trip.
-Y eah, that was just before you started.
-Didn't Lois break her ankle on this trip? Oh, she sure did.
I dragged her off the mountain myself.
The language that came out of that woman's mouth.
When a break heals, there's a scar left, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.
The bone's often stronger than before the-- -You never broke your ankle.
-So? Boy, there's just no pleasing you.
I x-rayed your ankle, and you never broke it.
-What are you talking about? -Lois did.
-Where is she? -Honey.
You are not my wife.
I may not be the wife that you were hoping for, but I am trying.
Who sent you, huh? Lex? Where is Lois? -Clark, stop it.
You' re scaring me! -Hey, C.
K.
, are you all right? Jimmy, he's lost his mind.
-You are not Lois.
Now, where is she? -Clark! -Son, son.
Take it easy.
-Chief, this is not Lois.
-Why would you say a thing like that? -Yes, Clark.
What would make you say a thing like that? Thank you.
What a set of lungs! I told you you'd like her.
-So, Bibbo, do I keep the gig or not? -Look at you.
When you first came in here, you looked like you'd been hit by a car.
Yeah.
A car called "life.
" You think I ain't played Vegas? You think I ain't played New York? I dated a duke, doggone it.
But then one day the liquor and the cigarettes, they catch up to you and you end up in joints like this singing for palookas like you.
That's the saddest story I ever heard.
My life reads like a bad novel.
Wanda, hey, you got a job here for as long as you want it.
Put her there.
And if you're not doing anything for dinner.
You know, kid, I like you.
But I'm poison.
Trouble sticks to me like stink on old fish.
Do yourself a favor, forget me.
Wanda, Wanda.
Life is a long, lonely road to be traveling solo.
You mean to tell me you ain't got nobody? You know, Bibbo, it's weird.
I got this feeling there is someone out there I just don't know who.
Where is she? -My offer still stands.
-No.
You don't make deals with me, frog-eater.
You think I won't snap this traitorous little neck? I am at rock bottom.
The only thing I care about in this miserable existence is the woman I love and neither you nor any force of nature is going to keep me from her.
Let go of me.
-What have you done with her? -I lost her.
Your precious is out there somewhere.
-Don't worry, I'll find her.
-You most certainly will.
-Find her and kill her.
-No.
-What are you doing? -Who do you think I am? That wimp, Lois Lane? I'm a girl who gets what she wants, and I want Clark.
This is absurd.
I am the creator.
You are the creature.
Now, I command you to give me the gun.
Don't be ridiculous.
If I give you the gun, I can't shoot Lois.
You're not going to shoot Lois, you're not going to shoot me.
You're going to give me the gun.
You shot me! Toots, these eyes haven't shed a tear in 30 years but you almost got to me that time.
Let me get you a brew, Wanda.
Sure, what's another nail in the coffin? You know, the kid is dying to ask you out.
Why don't you cut him a break? Look, if you really like him, you'll tell him to keep his distance.
I got this crazy chick looking to kill me, and I can't even go to the cops -because they're looking for me.
-Come on, Wanda, not you.
I was stupid.
I made a fool of myself over him.
Him who? His name's Clark.
I always thought of men as paper napkins: You pig out, clean up the mess, toss them.
This guy actually got to me.
Clark, he had a secret he was hiding.
I was sure of it.
He made me angry like no other man could.
What kind of a secret, Wanda? Whenever we were together, he would just take off.
No explanation.
I'd be right on the edge of pouring my heart out, and bam he'd have something urgent to do.
Turns out he was knocking over gas stations.
Left me in the car with a trunk full of cash and 30 state troopers on my tail.
What's this Clark look like? We could be on the lookout.
Funny, I can't picture him.
All I see in my head are a bunch of words.
It appears we both have our hands full.
Do you know how easily I could kill you? -Probably.
-Probably not.
Unfortunately, we need each other.
What have you done with her, huh? Where is she? -I replaced her just before the wedding.
-You sent that thing to be with me? Where is Lois? I lost her.
You lost her? Kent, you must hate me with more hate than you thought possible but there's a larger issue.
The clone's gotten it into her head to destroy Lois.
-What? -The replicants are childish by nature.
They throw tantrums, as you can see.
Well, she's decided that she wants you and needs to eliminate the competition.
I can guarantee you she means business.
You're calling the police? What, are you gonna send me back to prison? Kent, the clock's ticking.
We need each other.
I know that clone's every move.
And you, you're the only man on earth who wants to find Lois as much as I do.
Hello? I guarantee you, if anything has happened to Lois-- We' re wasting time.
The creature may have already found her.
That's her, the crazy woman who looks just like me.
And you still don't know why she wants to kill you? Life's been tough.
I guess I ruffled some feathers along the way.
I think it's time for me to move on.
You gave her what? A simple injection to keep her from speaking.
It's possibly why you haven't heard from her.
Lois would move heaven and earth to contact me.
I know Lois.
Lest you forget, Kent, she was once my intended.
The fact that I know some aspects of her and you know others can be an asset in our search.
When did you last see her? Outside a bank.
She had just kicked me in the jaw.
-That's Lois.
-She's an amazing woman.
-I've never known anyone like her.
-Fearless.
Stupidly so, at times.
-I try to get her to take it easy, but-- -She won't listen.
And when she's sad -and she cries-- -You wanna die.
Tell me about it.
I'll help you find her, Kent.
In this one instance you can trust me.
Some guy just showed up at the Planet.
-What guy? -"Red" something.
When you told us Lois was missing, we ran her picture on the front page.
Red says there's something we need to know about Lois.
-That would be? -Lois is trying to kill his new girlfriend.
-And she would be? -Wanda Detroit.
-Who is? -The heroine of Lois' secret novel.
Lois is somewhere acting like the heroine of her novel? Wanda Detroit.
All right, look, look, look.
Okay.
Wanda's got this boyfriend, a real jerk.
His name's Clark.
He's elusive, secretive.
Must've written that when she was mad at me.
There's this dude she's in love with.
Her hero.
She'd do anything for him.
Only he wants nothing to do with her, right? His name's Kent.
One thing about Lois' brain, it sure is filled with a lot of you.
-Where can I find her? -Down at the docks.
She's singing at a dive called the Ace O Clubs.
-Jimmy, thanks.
-Wait, take me with you! Can't.
Luthor? We're gonna miss you, Wanda.
You're really stacked.
You enchant the clientele.
Gotta keep moving.
Honky-tonk bars and blues guitars.
Story of my life.
I'm gonna kiss the cook goodbye.
-And what can I offer you today? -lnformation.
The capital of Connecticut is Hartford.
-I'm from the Daily Planet.
-The food critic.
At last.
No.
I'm a reporter, and I'm a friend of Lo-- Of Wanda Detroit's.
Maybe you can get a note to her.
-Well, all right.
What's your name? -Clark.
Clark? What'd you say your name was again, buddy? Clark.
Bibbo, this is the creep who's hounding Wanda.
I've got one thing to say to you, buddy.
Yeah? Maybe this will teach you to bother Wanda.
Guys.
You.
Yeah.
Who are you? Oh, like you don't know.
We have the same boyfriend.
Look, kid, I doubt we draw from the same date pool.
-Who's your boyfriend? -Like you don't know.
I've decided being Mrs.
Clark Kent is really cool -and you being alive is a total drag, so-- -Now, wait a minute! Angel, it's me.
The man you love.
Wanda it's Kent.
You're Kent? The man you love and thought you couldn't have.
Well, good news.
You can.
I sure hope this isn't a dream.
It's a dream come true.
-Only one person stands in our way.
-I know.
I know, Clark.
He's in there.
He's got in his crazed head that I'm the one that's no good for you.
But everything will be fine if you do exactly as I say.
Guys, I just need some information.
Guys.
Hello? Guys.
Come on.
Please.
I give.
And if you come back, there's more where that came from.
Yeah.
I don't know if I can do what you want.
Of course you can.
You're a thespian.
What's going on? Why did I trust you even for a second? I was just trying to protect her Clark.
-Clark.
-Lois? Are you all right? -You are all right, right? -Clark, we have to talk.
-Yeah, let's get you safe first.
-I'm safe now -with Lex.
-What? What are you talking about? Clark, we've been saved from a horrible mistake.
-What mistake? -Getting married.
I had doubts.
But I was afraid to disappoint you, our parents.
I couldn't even face you so that's why I hid here pretending to be Wanda.
But the truth is that I'm just not the type to get married.
I need to go away and sort things out.
Go? Where? Wherever Lex takes me.
Seeing him has brought back my old feelings.
-What old feelings? -I love him.
Lois, you don't mean this.
What about me? I don't love you.
Now, Clark, I'm leaving.
And if you love me as much you say you do, you'll just let me go.
Tough break, old man.
Well, I hope you handle it with dignity.
I don't know yet what you've done to her, but I will find out.
And I will bring Lois back.
And if I have to go right through you to do it I will.
I promise you.
My, my.
That sounds like a threat, Clark.
My woman doesn't take kindly to threats.
Dear, you were magnificent.
I tell you, I could've been an actress.
-Who is this Lois anyway? -Someone better off forgotten.
Well, I guess it's just you and me.