Magnum, P.I. (1980) s03e16 Episode Script

Wait till I tell Robin you've been hoarding the good stuff.
Merlin! They're kidnapping my Merlin.
If she isn't gone soon, I'm going to commit murder.
- What on earth is that? - The attack cry of the peregrine falcon.
If you find Dr.
Tessa, she can interview him and leave.
You are on private property.
I am allowed by law to shoot.
He's a weird character.
Agh! - Do you have it? - I have it.
You're doing the right thing.
This uprising is foolish.
When the leaders of these so-called freedom fighters are in prison, this bloodshed can end.
Everything you need is in there.
- You are doing the right thing.
- I know.
I will see that Stop! Magnum? - I say, Magnum? - Hold your horses.
I'll let you right in.
- Magnum, I must have a word with you.
No.
I want a word with you.
I wanna talk to you about your vocabulary.
What edification could you provide regarding my vocabulary? I am talking about the word "privacy" or pry-vacy or whatever you call it.
You obviously are ignorant of the meaning of the word, both in letter and in spirit.
- I must say, I'm impressed.
- With my dictionary? No, your living quarters.
- They're tidy.
- Don't act so surprised.
Where is all the usual unpleasantness, the abandoned food and drink, the soiled garments, the unidentifiable artifacts I expect to find when I walk in? Aha! That is precisely my point.
You expect to walk in.
Higgins - I don't walk in on you, do I? - Of course you do.
All the time.
It's one of life's unpleasanteries, like a minor rash or an ingrown toenail.
I'm here to remind you that today Miss Elizabeth Barrett arrives.
- That, of course, means - I will be gone.
I promise.
I'm after this guy who stiffed me for $800.
Kraig Maynard, king of the condos.
Maynard is a well-known developer.
He's on the board at the club.
Why do you think he stiffed you? Because he did not pay me for services rendered, that's why.
You see You'll find this interesting.
His sales lady ran off to Vegas with the bank deposits.
I found her, but now I can't I can't find my keys.
They're not your keys.
They're Mr.
Masters' keys.
Unless I find them, I'll be stuck here with you and his old schoolmarm.
Elizabeth Barrett is not an old schoolmarm.
As Robin Masters' former English instructor, she inspired and sent Mr.
Masters on to his meteoric writing career.
Now that she's writing her own book, I expect you to keep a low profile.
I promise, Higgins, no football games on the lawn, no gunfire before breakfast, no stewardesses unless they promise not to yodel.
I never should have cleaned up.
Aha! Ah, the refrigerator.
Remiss of me not to have thought of it myself.
After all, where else would one store one's keys? The white zone is for loading and unloading only.
All others will be towed away at owners' expense.
The white zone is for loading and unloading only.
All others will be towed away at owners' expense.
Thanks, boys.
You're doing a fine job.
Heads up, everybody.
Well, here's looking at you.
Flight 476 is now boarding Miss Barrett, I presume? I'm Jonathan Livingston Seagull.
Jonathan Higgins.
Aloha.
Welcome to Hawaii.
Why, thank you, Higgins.
Robin's told me all about you, but I decided to come anyway.
Just kidding, Johnny.
Just kidding.
I know Robin can't get along without you.
Here, try some of this marvelous champagne.
Airline specialty.
Enough of it does do the trick.
No, thank you.
We must go.
I'm parked at the curb.
Did you get Merlin out of quarantine? Merlin? - My macaw, Higgins.
My macaw.
- The bird is in the car.
It was quite far-sighted of you to send it ahead.
Merlin is not an it.
He's a he.
- Very intelligent bird.
- Indeed.
We really must be going.
This way, gentlemen.
I guess we have to follow the little fellow, boys.
The white zone is for loading and unloading only.
All others will be towed away at owners' expense.
Oh, my God! Merlin! They're kidnapping my Merlin.
Don't just stand there.
Do something.
The white zone is for loading and unloading Stop! Stop! Halt! Halt! Trying to find Maynard was frustrating.
All I kept getting was the arctic voice of his secretary, Ms.
Roebuck.
Her voice gave me the image of a sleeping polar bear who slipped off an iceberg into the drink and came up icy and snarly.
400lb of anger, all teeth and claws.
Hi.
They're closed.
I know.
I have the keys.
You can't be Ms.
Roebuck.
Don't I have your permission? You're just not what I expected.
I'm Bill Rogers.
I called about that condo in Maui, the one with the 360-degree view.
Nice try, Magnum.
The only view you'll see is through barred windows - if you don't stop harassing me.
- Look, Ms.
Roebuck.
I came to get paid, not to get insulted.
- I want Maynard.
- Mr.
Maynard is out of town.
He is not.
He's avoiding me.
So am I.
Careful with your shoes.
And don't scrape the tiles.
They're impossible to clean.
- After all, cleanliness is - Boring.
Oh, driver, upstairs with that one.
On the contrary, cleanliness is the first bastion of civilization.
I have the staff dust every inch of the estate daily Higgins! Higgins! Oh, Higgins.
- I couldn't find the hose.
- Oh, my God.
Relax.
It's just a little dried mud.
- You must be - Get out.
- Magnum.
You must be - Immediately.
Elizabeth.
It's a pleasure.
Robin's told me so much about you.
- He did? - Yes.
Most of it terribly naughty.
Driver, perhaps you should take that trunk and put it down in the study instead.
The study? My study? It has all my work in it.
We'll share.
You work in the mornings.
I'll work at night.
We'll also jog together.
- 5am, starting tomorrow.
- Jog? You're certainly not up to running.
After watching the way you lumbered after that tow truck.
Tow truck? Johnny had the foresight to park in a tow-away zone.
A tow-away zone? That's illegal, Johnny.
I know.
- Where's the study? - In there.
Johnny, do tip the man.
He's a worker, you know.
Robin said you once had a case with a Hungarian acrobat.
Actually, it wasn't my case.
I was hired by this guy Let me guess.
Mother-in-law? It was the prospect of possibly of having to live with such a domineering woman as Elizabeth that constrained me from ever entering the state of matrimony.
Huh? No, she's not my mother-in-law.
Then I said to him, "Robin Masters, "what are you doing to that poor girl?" He looked me in the eye and said, "Miss Barrett, "I'm not doing it to her, she's doing it to me.
" I suppose one must forgive the excesses of adolescence.
But do you have any anecdotes of a more literary nature to regale the Pan-Pacific Academy of Modern Literature? Anecdotes of a more literary nature, my dear Johnny, would no doubt bore me and your academy members spitless.
Thomas, please.
Oh, er Thank you.
Oh.
Another dead soldier, Sergeant Major.
Any reinforcements? I shall see.
Well, Thomas, let me finish telling you about my book.
Right.
The one about the bird watchers.
Ornithologists.
Some of them are even more reclusive than the birds themselves.
Take my Dr.
Tessa, for instance.
One of the foremost men in his field.
One day suddenly he vanishes.
Nobody had a clue where he'd gone, until I heard the rumors about the Hermit of Hawaii.
Well, that's my nickname for him.
This hermit, are you sure he's your Dr.
Tessa? As a matter of fact, no.
I do know he speaks with an accent and that he's done amazing research with birds.
I'm just hoping he's my Dr.
Tessa.
Can you help me, Thomas? Elizabeth, I'm a little tied up with this case.
My motto, dear Thomas, is a double negative.
Never take no for an answer.
Where's Johnny with that damn wine? Don't look at me like that, young man.
I have trouble sleeping.
Old people often do.
They're afraid they won't wake up.
Wait till I tell Robin you've been hoarding the good stuff.
Why me, Elizabeth? I'm a New Yorker.
I never jog alone.
Besides, you're pudgy.
You need exercise.
I believe in moderation, particularly in exercise.
That philosophy is quite visible at your waistline.
- I'm putting you on a diet.
- What? You heard me.
No cholesterol, high protein, and I make a terrific artichoke raw-egg milkshake.
Elizabeth, I can't go on letting you wear yourself out.
You must conserve energy for your book.
- How's it coming? - Great.
If only I could find that elusive Dr.
Tessa.
- You must find him.
- Well, it isn't gonna be easy.
He might have changed his name to keep out of the limelight.
Odd old bird.
- That's a joke, Johnny.
- Oh.
I see.
I'm somewhat of an ornithologist myself.
Really? Do you do any calls? - What on earth is that? - The attack cry of the peregrine falcon.
Don't do it around Merlin.
You might freak him out.
Last one back's a rotten egg.
So be it.
That was taken of Dr.
Tessa many years ago in Hungary.
- Why's he so hard to find? - He escaped after the revolt.
Perhaps he's afraid they're still after him.
This is the worst writing Robin has perpetrated on the worid since The Seamy Side Of Dawn.
"I last saw her in Paris in the Garden of Tuileries.
"Her husband has returned from the front, "wounded but alive.
"She must go and nurse him and I must go.
"We do not kiss, but our hands briefly touch, "one last moment of gazing into one another's eyes, "reflecting on what might have been, "before I wander up to Pigalle, "the only place in Paris that served palatable fish and chips.
" Fish and chips? In the middle of a romantic scene? No wonder Robin gave up on it.
It's hardly like Robin at all.
The writing is stiff and turgid.
Mixed tenses, participles dangling at every obtuse angle.
But I can't resist correcting it.
It warms me up to my own work.
That manuscript happens to be a draft of my memoirs.
- No dogs.
Out! - The lads are totally trustworthy.
Boy Scouts are trustworthy, Higgins.
Dobermans are deadly.
Banish them.
Zeus, Apollo, patrol.
Magnum, may I speak to you outside? Excuse me.
Aw.
That a good boy, Merlin.
That a good boy.
Relax, Higgins.
She's only here temporarily.
Relax? You didn't have to endure the spectacle of her inebriated arrival or hear her rude remarks or take her orders.
Higgins, you yourself said we must cherish her as Robin does.
And then to invade the sacrosanct privacy of my study with that that bird.
Kind of gets to you when your privacy's intruded on, doesn't it? Magnum, wait.
If you find this Dr.
Tessa, she could interview him and she'll leave.
- She's really getting to you.
- I am prepared to offer you money.
Money? No.
There's a principle involved here.
What principle? A private investigator should never get stiffed by a deadbeat.
- I gotta collect from Maynard.
- Take pity.
She insists that I jog miles with her, that I imbibe her grotesque artichoke protein concoctions.
Worst, she's banished the lads.
What's at stake here is my sanity.
The hot tub, tennis courts, VCR, camera and the wine cellar.
- Three weeks.
- Done.
I'm not finished.
I want the same privileges for Rick and T.
C.
- Rick and T.
C.
? - Yes.
I need them to find Maynard for me, so that I can find Tessa for you.
- Done.
- Higgins, give me a hand.
Merlin's had a little accident on the rug in your study.
Just be quick about it.
I forgot to tell Higgins I'd already agreed to find Elizabeth's ornithologist.
I didn't want him to take my services for granted.
Besides, I really liked the old schoolmarm and it kind of felt nice to be able to do somebody sweet like that a favor.
- No favors.
- Nothing doing.
- There must be some catch.
- Always there's a catch.
- Gee, guys.
Don't you trust me? - No.
Come on.
I'm offering you one full week of complete estate privileges.
I didn't wanna ask for something for nothing.
- I don't take you for granted.
- You take us for dummies.
Maynard's one of the most visible guys in the island, Thomas.
- There's gotta be a catch.
- There is no catch.
Honest.
You find where he'll be long enough for me to get there and collect the money, that's it.
That's never it.
Make it two weeks.
And one hundred big ones.
Three weeks and no money.
Deal? Deal.
At least now you know you can't take us for granted.
I figured that locating Tessa shouldn't be a problem.
To find a bird expert, just go where the birds are.
Tessa, Tessa.
Nothing, nothing.
No bells ring.
Who is he? Lars, I told you, he's an ornithologist.
He specializes in rare bird diseases.
Nothing so sad than a sick bird.
- You have a sick bird, haven't you? - No, Lars, I don't.
Dead already? That's bad.
I have a tonic from an old guy.
He might have saved your bird.
What old guy? Lars? Bad monkey.
- Where'd you get it? - In the toolshed.
Don't you pay any attention? - Who gave it to you, Lars? - The toolshed? - It came with the zoo.
- Who gave you that tonic? There's an old guy living up in Haiku Valley.
I got to tell you confidentially, though.
He's a weird character.
Haiku Valley was accessible from the sea over a reef, or from a road the army built in 1943 and hadn't repaired since.
If Tessa was in the valley, he was a man who liked to be left alone.
Since this was government property, whoever wrote the sign had no right to put it up.
Of course, people often do things they don't have a right to do.
Agh! Who are you? What are you doing here? Somebody ought to put up a sign.
You are trespassing.
I repeat, who are you? Thomas Magnum.
I'm a private investigator.
I'm doing legwork for a writer who wants to interview you.
- Me? - Albert Tessa, the ornithologist? You are on private property.
Please leave.
This is government land.
Goodbye, Mr.
Magnum.
If you are Tessa, this writer just wants to interview you, that's all.
If you return, I am allowed by law to shoot.
No, you're not.
I'm not gonna argue the point, though.
After nearly 30 years it was hard to be certain, but he looked like the man in the photo, even if he never admitted it.
So why wasn't I in a hurry to tell Elizabeth? Elizabeth isn't the type to settle for a "no trespassing" sign, and Tessa had a look about him that I didn't like.
I'd seen it before.
It divides people into two groups - those who can kill and those who can't.
He was definitely in the first.
Don't worry, my pets.
I won't ever leave you.
I'll kill them all first.
Thanks, Ace.
Piece of cake.
Easiest deal we ever made.
I can't believe Higgie baby let us use Thomas's wheels.
The Ferrari's owned by Robin Masters, not Thomas.
And that old broad hanging around Higgins' neck, he'd give us anything.
Just remember, I'm the brains, you're the muscle.
- You sure this is the place? - Roebuck said the Dragon Bar.
- This is the Dragon Bar.
- Right.
The condo king's putting some finishing touches on some lath and plaster.
- Give me some brew, Drew.
- Ice tea, Lee.
You think this Roebuck dame didn't believe we were diamond merchants? Hey, man, the chick bought this hook, line and diamond ring.
Ow! What the hell was that? Oh, man.
I knew it.
I knew it.
He should have told us that Maynard was a nut.
How was I to know he was crazy? I never met Maynard.
- And you sent us to shake him down? - He hired me over the phone.
And I never ask you to shake 'em down.
Just find 'em.
- That's the thanks we get? - Look, Rick, I am sorry that Maynard used scare tactics to avoid paying up, but admit it, you guys blew it.
We blew it? You almost got us shot.
- I said I'm sorry, but you still blew it.
- Yeah, when we said we'd help.
You shouldn't have taken the Ferrari.
His secretary saw me in it.
Don't you think that made it just a wee bit obvious that you are working with me? Were.
Past tense.
I am sitting this one out in my own backyard where it is safe.
Magnum, may I come in, please? Yes, you may come in.
Magnum, I beg for a word with you.
Higgins, if it's the Ferrari, it's your fault for loaning it to them.
A windscreen can be replaced.
My sanity cannot.
- Why are you scrambling eggs - They're over easy.
instead of looking for Tessa? - I found him.
- You found him.
- Yes, I found him.
- You must take Elizabeth there.
- He threatened to kill me.
To make an omelet, one must crack a few eggs.
This guy could be dangerous.
Magnum, Elizabeth had the gardener cut down the bougainvillea so she could have an unimpaired view of the ocean.
Do you know how long it took me to cultivate that bush? guiding, nurturing, all by hand.
I never even let Kenji near it.
I did it all myself.
And then with one snip of the shears, it's gone.
Magnum, I implore you, I beseech you, take that woman to Tessa before I go irrevocably, irretrievably mad! Elizabeth, I don't think this is such a good idea.
Oh, nonsense.
I'm sure that when Dr.
Tessa hears that I'm going to have an excerpt published in the Ornithologists' Digest, he'll be quite thrilled.
- He isn't the type to be thrilled.
- He was just bullying you with words.
He had a double-barreled shotgun, and I was on the wrong side of a booby trap.
He's probably got those all around.
Instead of watchdogs.
That's quite sensible.
He's sure his birds are safe.
I'm not worried about his birds.
I'm worried about you, and me.
I'll tell you what.
You wait at the road.
I'll walk in there alone.
He's not gonna shoot a little old white-haired lady.
I got a better idea.
Why don't we find out if Tessa is really Tessa before you take a chance like that? How? There he is.
Finally, after all these years.
This means so much to me, Thomas.
I doubt if you'll ever know how much.
That's not Tessa.
- Great.
- What do you mean, great? Now we don't have to risk being shot at.
- I had such hopes.
- So did Higgins.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
- Don't worry.
I'll find Tessa.
- Oh, I know you will.
Higgins'll see to that.
- Well, how did the interview go? - Wasn't him.
- What? - It wasn't him.
- What? - Have you gone deaf, Johnny? - It wasn't him.
- It has to be him.
- How could you do this to me? - Me? I'm doing the best I can.
Don't get on Thomas's back.
He really thought he'd found my elusive doctor.
Come on, Merlin.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
What idiot chained Merlin? I didn't chain him.
It's just a little twine.
He was eating my birds of paradise.
He was probably hungry.
Poor baby.
Why didn't you bite him? You're right.
He'd probably give you food poisoning.
See here.
I've taken all the verbal insults I intend to from you.
You're right.
It's time I got physical.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Let's not get carried away here.
- I won't, but he will.
- Ha! Higgins! Elizabeth, look.
You're both upset because I didn't find Dr.
Tessa.
It's my fault.
You just have a cup of tea or something and calm down.
I'll figure out the next step.
Well, I'm going to take Merlin for a drive.
Perhaps the wind in his face will calm him down.
- Good idea.
- Magnum.
Higgins, Elizabeth's taking Merlin for a ride.
Be out for a while.
What he's trying to tell you, Johnny, is that I will be out of your hair for a couple of hours.
Magnum, if you don't find Tessa soon, you'll have to call Five-O.
Call Five-O? Why? If she isn't gone soon, I am going to commit murder.
- Hi, Rick.
- Quiet, Thomas.
I'm up to 300 points.
- You took my last beer.
- So I'll take it off your bill.
Ever planning on grocery shopping? Just as soon as we find Maynard.
- T.
C.
's out.
- Where? Out of the deal.
Didn't like playing decoy with live ammo.
Never mind.
I'll do it myself.
Just as soon as I find Tessa.
Fine.
Just as long as T.
C.
And I still get our estate privileges.
- You did not find Maynard.
- No, but we got shot at.
That's an occupational hazard.
Find Maynard or no privileges.
I'll tell you what.
I'll find this Tessa character you're looking for.
- You find Maynard.
- How you gonna do that? Simple.
He's Hungarian.
I'll check with their embassy.
- I'm sure they keep tabs on all their people.
- Rick.
He's a refugee.
They'd probably like to get hold of him themselves.
What is it? You've got that funny little look on your face again.
Thomas? Thomas, come on.
What is it? Thomas! Higgins, where's Robin's high-school annual? Higgins, where's his high-school annual? - What are you looking for? - Elizabeth Barrett.
- Are you trying to torture me? - Where is his annual? Here.
I was so worried about Elizabeth being shot that when she said it wasn't him, I bought it, but nobody changes that much in 25 years.
I started wondering why she lied to me, and here's the answer.
- Elizabeth isn't Elizabeth.
- What? Elizabeth isn't Elizabeth.
The woman who's been driving me mad for a week is an imposter? I'm afraid so, Higgins.
If she isn't Elizabeth, who is she? KGB? Hungarian secret police? It doesn't matter.
What does matter is she came here after Tessa and I led her straight to him.
Come on.
There's a good boy.
Yes.
Come on.
Good boy.
Good boy.
After 26 years, my pet, we've finally got him.
You gotta be kidding.
That little old school teacher a KGB agent? Looks that way.
She gonna kill Tessa with a ruler? Her personality is lethal enough.
Far enough.
- Who are you? - My name is Elizabeth Barrett, Dr.
Tessa.
And guns make me very nervous.
I'm a writer.
Barrett's Guide to Ornithology.
There's no such book.
That's because it hasn't been published yet.
I was hoping you would be my last chapter.
Would you please put down that gun? Your macaw looks troubled.
You give him vitamin A? It's very important for macaws.
They have weak beaks without it.
Believe me, Dr.
Tessa, Merlin's beak is quite strong.
So are his talons.
Slow it down.
We're getting too close.
Anywhere on this island is too close to that dreadful woman.
There.
If she hasn't killed Tessa yet, she will when she sees Higgins or me.
If she's KGB, her assignment comes before personal safety or escape.
I remember once in Berlin, after the war, I was in deep cover for MI We got a better chance if we sneak up on 'em.
In case you hadn't noticed, this is a noisy helicopter.
You'll have to let us out up here.
It'll take you at least a half-hour to hike down there.
If she hasn't ripped him off yet, she will by then.
She doesn't know you.
Neither does he.
So? Oh, no.
No way, Thomas.
After she plied me with more vodka, we rolled on the bearskin rug, she wild with passion, while I was trying to find the microfilm.
Well, I'd tell you where I found it.
Propriety forbids me divulging details.
Suffice it to say that within minutes, she parted with the film and much more.
Extraordinary.
Thank you.
And, er how long have you been working on this multivitamined approach? Since I first arrived in these islands in 1961.
Oh.
I'm always doing that.
- It's so annoying.
- I can sharpen that for you.
I always carry a little sharpener with me.
- Who's that? - Whoever it is, I'll get rid of him.
After I finish, you can have any one you like for lunch.
- Get out! - Hey, man, that's what I'm trying to do.
Get out of here.
You're frightening my birds.
I got a warning light indicating chips in my transmission.
Can't fly.
It's too dangerous.
I don't care if you've a whole strudel in there! Get that machine off my property.
Let me look at it.
You wouldn't want me to crash.
I don't care, as long as it's not in my valley.
and I got more trespassers in two days than in all the 20 years.
- Is he in trouble? - He will be if he doesn't leave soon.
- More tea? - Please.
Out! Get out! That's all the time I can give you, Thomas.
Should have been here ten minutes ago.
- I warned you.
- She's a KGB agent.
- She's what? - The man is mad.
He's telling the truth.
She's a communist agent come to kill you.
Dr.
Tessa, drop it.
You too, or I'll blow his brains out.
- She'll do it anyway.
- I know.
Merlin, attack.
Merlin! Oops.
Merlin.
I hate you.
The feeling, madam, is mutual.
- I don't know how you did it.
- I subcontracted the job to Ice Pick.
Ice Pick? What'd you offer him? You don't wanna know.
Please show identification.
- I wanna talk to Maynard.
- Identification, please.
- You know who I am.
- Let's see.
You were interested in buying a condo.
Your name was Mr.
Rogers? - Ah.
The diamond merchant.
- Show her your ID, Thomas.
- She knows who I am.
- D'you want the money? - OK, you're Magnum.
- I wanna talk to Maynard.
He's not here.
Let's see.
That was $800 on account, right? Yeah, until I had my window blown out.
Your fee, with Mr.
Maynard's apology, and $500 extra on account for damages.
The destruction of the window was the action of an overprotective employee.
- Who? - Me.
Next time I tell you to stay away, stay away.
You cannot go around blowing out windows.
What? - Just take the money and drop it.
- She blew a hole in the Ferrari.
Haven't you had enough trouble with tough broads for one week? - Thanks.
- You're welcome.
See how simple life can be if you just control yourself, Thomas? - Thomas.
- Yes, Rick? I'm gonna kill that broad! Aha!