M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e16 Episode Script

- 71.
Beat that.
- Aw, 71.
- Come on.
Beat it.
- That's nothin'.
You watch this.
- Ready? One.
- [Laughing.]
What'd you do, change balls on me? What's the announcement, Radar? It's a lecture.
Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
That should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Look at this.
No eyes.
[Ball Continues Bouncing.]
Good afternoon, men.
[Clears Throat.]
Now, first of all, let me thank all of you in advance for what I know will be your full and undivided attention.
- [Imitating Snoring.]
- [Laughing.]
The topic for today has to do with the subject of sex.
[All Cheering.]
All right, all right.
Now let's not go gaga.
Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life inasmuch as each one of us is one or the other gender of it once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it.
- Sir? - Uh, we'll have questions after the lecture.
What about answers? I was just wondering, should I roll down the flaps so the nurses don't hear? Radar, all the nurses have heard about sex.
- I know I've been spreading the word.
- Shut your face! - Kiss me.
- [Henry.]
Okay, now the aspect of today's subject that I'm going to delve on is the U.
S.
Army's contribution to birth control.
- I knew they were gonna ask for contributions.
- I gave at the office.
Now each of us here knows why, uh he is in Korea.
Major Burns.
We are here to stem the red tide, to finish up the Commies once and for all.
Anyone with half a mind knows, as I do, that, after Germany we should've knocked out the Russkies, then clobbered the Chinese before they forced Chiang Kai-shek and his very beautiful wife off the mainland.
To which I, for one, say they should be unleashed so that they can liberate the real Chinese people and restore the government that America's paid so many millions of dollars to help get.
Sir.
I thought the lecture was on sex.
I didn't iron my dress to talk politics.
- Sit down, Klinger.
- Now listen, Corporal You, too, Frank.
We're in Korea by order of the U.
N.
, along with 17 other nations to try to stabilize this country politically and militarily.
We are not here to add to the population.
The one thing they don't need in Asia is more Asians.
Many of you have heard me speak on reproduction and V.
D.
I've got both your albums.
But today's subject is much more important.
Now, this country is on its can.
There's not enough food, housing, schools.
You name it they haven't got it.
So don't add to its problems.
Now, uh, when you're shipped home just make sure that you don't leave any little time bombs that are gonna go off nine months later.
[Chuckling.]
Now, I know you're only human.
Present company excepted.
We don't expect you to behave like monks.
The army just wants you to be careful so that you don't leave behind any little "monklets.
" [Laughing.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
See the bulletin board for details on the payroll savings plan.
Buy a bond for 25, 50 or 100.
Bet America to win, place or show.
Come on.
Don't be slackers.
Join in.
Sign up.
- I forgot my name.
- Amnesia.
Happens every time somebody wants me to invest in a war.
Well, bullets cost bucks, mister.
I'd like that tattooed on my thigh.
You're both a blemish on the record of this unit.
I'm gonna do something to get rid of the blemishes tonight.
Uh, ach, du lieber.
You get the feeling Frank's one war behind? Did you see this announcement? [Mumbling, Indistinct.]
- [Knocking.]
- Frank? You alone? Where are they? Oh, they said something about nurse molesting.
- I want to see you.
- I have a headache, Margaret.
No, no.
I have a favor to ask of you.
Oh, anything, darling.
You know that.
My sister's getting married.
My younger sister is getting married.
And she's only a captain.
Oh, marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Let me tell you, honestly.
No.
Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
I want to borrow $240 for a wedding present.
It's key money for an apartment.
- Two hundred and - And $40.
Surely I'm worth $240.
- Frank? - Every penny.
But I wish I could.
I really do, but But all your money's tied up in wealth, right? Oh, those are just bonds.
You've bought enough to start your own country.
- Shh! - I just wanna borrow $240.
But don't you have the money, Margaret? Dear? Didn't your dad leave you a bit? Mother drank it.
Half my salary goes toward drying her out and the other half for bail.
Bail? When she's sober she's a klepto.
She was caught in a store last week stuffing a radio up her jumper.
- Frank? - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
I just can't do it.
It rubs against the grain.
"Neither a lender nor a borrower be.
" Polonius.
"To give and not count the cost.
" St.
Ignatius Loyola.
"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet "and steady and loyal and enduring a nature "that it will last throughout a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money.
" Mark Twain.
"Blow it out your ear!" Margaret Houlihan.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
The morale officer would like to remind all personnel not to be "negilgent" [Chuckles.]
uh, negligent about writing to the folks back home.
Remember, you gotta write 'em to get 'em.
- ## [Phonograph, Sentimental.]
- [Thinking.]
Dear Becky I hope you had a nice birthday party.
I'd have given anything to be there.
In your last letter, you said I never really tell you what I'm doing.
Well, now that you're all of seven I'll try to describe what it's like over here.
- [Blows.]
- First of all, I live in a tent which is kind of old and smelly, which I share with two doctors who are young and smelly.
One is Hawkeye Pierce.
He's a good egg but just a little grumpy when it comes to waking up.
Come on.
Everybody up.
Rise and shine! - Hawk? - I'm up! Get up on your feet up.
[Sighs.]
Korea? The war still? Right.
What's to get up? I left a call for half past peace.
Night shift.
Come on.
Let's go.
Up.
Wait! Wait! Wait a minute! Why are we wasting this on each other for? [Trapper Thinking.]
Major Burns is Daddy's other tent mate sort of like a substitute teacher that stays all year.
Like us, he's here to patch up the soldiers as best we can.
They don't ever seem to stop coming.
It's very routine work, except once in a while like last December.
[Henry.]
Put him to sleep.
- Colonel.
- Yo.
His feet, sir.
- Oh, God! More frost? - Three toes, at least.
When the hell is the army gonna develop a boot that works? I'm almost finished.
You want to turn down that gas before this private floats to the top of the room? - [Gas Flow Stops.]
- Okay, sir.
Thanks for the break.
- I'll take over.
- Pressure and pulse are stable.
Why don't you check the other tables? - Maybe somebody left a tip.
- Aw, baloney! - Major Burns! - What is it? Chopper plucked him off a mine field.
He was there all night.
- Get this body outta here, P.
D.
Q.
- He dead, sir? Of course.
Froze to death.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
Hold it.
What do you got? Deceased, Mclntyre.
I checked it.
Are you "deef'? I said "deceased.
" Kaput.
No pulse, no heartbeat.
- Okay.
Take him back.
Let's go.
- Ooh! We might be able to save this guy.
Uh, get me a cut-down tray and four units of O-negative blood.
- You get a pulse? - Not in the arm.
- Like I said.
- Cut the shirt.
Let's go.
Frank, his extremities are frozen.
You didn't check the carotid.
You ever hear of hypothermia? He only knows what's condensed in Reader's Digest.
You get anything? A faint beat.
Where's the, uh Oh, great.
Frank, hypothermia is a state of reduced body temperature slowing down all functions.
- I knew that.
- Get me some blankets and a prep tray.
- Frank, you prep.
- Right.
This guy thaws out, he's liable to start bleeding.
What happened, Radar? He was in a mine field all night long.
He's a lucky fella.
If this had been summer, he would've bled to death.
[Thinking.]
That's it for now, baby.
I'd like to be able to tell you when I'm coming home - [Record Sticking.]
- But, for a while now, all I can do is stay here and make the best of it.
- [Music Stops.]
- [Phonograph Grinds On.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper which is also a holdover from last week.
- [Tapping.]
- # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya # # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya # # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya # - [Audience Chattering.]
- [Klinger.]
Down in front.
- [Singing, Tapping Continue.]
- Sit down, Rob.
I'm glad we finally got a new film.
Sure beats Twelve Ways to Infiltrate a Nazi Bunker.
You wanna remove your hat, lady? How would you like me to remove your teeth? - [People Chattering.]
- Sit down, or I'll make you eat your bra.
- I only dress like this to get outta the army.
- [People Shushing.]
You're too pretty.
They'll never let you go.
I'd like some popcorn, please.
- ##[Continues.]
- [Tap Dancing Continues.]
- Excuse me, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
- Just get by.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
- [Tap Dancing.]
- [Robinson.]
Hey.
[Temple.]
Hey! - [Robinson.]
Hey! Hey! - [Temple.]
Hey! ##[Continues.]
Have I missed much? - The Civil War started.
- Don't tell him how it ends.
# Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya # # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya ## # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya # # Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya ## I've got a bleeder in post-op an 18-year-old kid.
- [Man In Movie.]
All right.
It'll be $9.
60.
- Hi.
[Second Man.]
Thank you.
- Watch your hands.
Both of them.
- What? - What the hell! - Keep your hands to yourself.
Huh? I swear, Henry, these fingers never left my hands.
Well, don't look at me.
I only fool around with girls.
Will you sirs kindly mind? It's Shirley Temple.
She's not really a kid, Radar.
Her mother stunted her growth made her sleep in a short bed and smoke.
- She's 42 years old.
- Aw! Please.
- Heh! - Heh! [Movie: People Chattering.]
[Chattering, Shushing.]
Doctor? That patient is hemorrhaging again.
Oh, Lord.
All right, let's go.
[Klinger.]
Excuse me.
Pardon me, sir.
- I'm sorry.
Pardon me.
- [Man.]
Not you again? - [People Chattering.]
- Klinger, sit down! - Move it.
- This seat is taken.
Oh, no, it isn't.
It's empty.
Can you believe that guy? [People Shouting, Indistinct.]
Hey! Break it up back there! [All Shouting.]
[All Cheering, Applauding.]
You can't fight in here.
[Margaret.]
Can't somebody stop that? [All Shouting.]
[Man.]
Hey, stop it! Break it up! [Second Man.]
Knock it off! [Third Man.]
Come on! Knock it off! - Now cut it out! Stop it! - [Explosions.]
Would you mind holding it down? I came all the way to Korea to see this picture.
- [Explosions Continue.]
- They're shelling us! Stop the film! - [People Groaning.]
- We gotta take cover! Just where are we gonna hide, Frank? We're stuck here with our brass hanging out.
- Brasses.
- Right.
Thank you.
Come on.
Sit down.
[Engine Running.]
See this, Henry? See this, Henry? "First Annual Polly Adler Birthday Cookout, Picnic and Barbecue.
All proceeds to go to Sister Teresa's Korean Orphans'Fund.
" Forget it.
Henry.
You did everything you could.
Loosen up.
You'll have a ball.
That's just it.
Everybody unwinds, has a good time.
Then the war comes back, and it's a real belly drop.
Look, we need this.
If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy.
- ##[Drumming On Metal Cans.]
- ##[Vocalizing.]
##[Vocalizing Continues.]
## [Vocalizing.]
[Man In Falsetto Voice.]
I missed you so much.
Oh, I love you, Judy.
[Kissing Sounds.]
I came back because I missed you, Judy.
[Woman In Falsetto Voice.]
Oh, I'm so glad you came back, Punch.
[Giggling, Laughing.]
- [Kissing Sounds.]
- [Punch.]
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you, Judy.
I love you.
I miss you.
- Oh, I love you.
- [Kissing Sounds.]
- I love you.
- Oh, that was just - [Kissing Sounds Continue.]
- Ah.
Oh.
This is lovely.
That's very nice.
Lovely.
I'm not doin' too great for the orphans, Father.
No? How much so far? Three nurses.
Three bucks.
I could make more, but you wouldn't believe what they expect for a dollar.
Oh.
Well, do your best, my, uh, my son.
Thank you.
Uh You fill the spoon with water.
You take the water down and put it in the glass.
And then you run back with the spoon and give the spoon to your partner.
Don't spill any water.
We don't want to make Korea messy.
- Ready? - [All Shouting.]
[Laughing.]
[All Cheering, Shouting.]
[All Chattering.]
[Hawkeye.]
Come on, Sister! With a field like that, Father, you can't lose.
[Woman.]
Go, go, go, go, go! Go, Sister! [Laughing.]
[Hawkeye.]
Oh, Yeah! The winner! - Congratulations.
[Laughing.]
- [All Cheering.]
[Chattering.]
I'm the bonus prize for the winner.
I get the loser.
My father told me to stay away from fast women.
[Shouting, Indistinct.]
You've been avoiding me, Margaret.
Actually, I've been ignoring you, Frank.
I'll get around to avoiding you later.
What is it, sugar? Everyone else is having such fun.
I thought we could be in the sack race together.
You can forget about us being in the sack race for a while.
And anytime you want, you can pick up your bathing cap and your chenille robe.
Margaret, what is it? I'll give you Oh, I get it.
It's the money, isn't it? You bet your clusters, sweetie.
You wouldn't really let money come between us? I There There is no us, Frank.
There's just me.
The only us that you're a part of is Mrs.
Multi-Chin Sensible Shoes.
Now blow! - [Whistle Blows.]
- Go! Go! Go! [People Shouting, Cheering.]
I'll get it, Margaret.
The money the 240.
Really, Frank? Honest, darling? - Do you mean it? - That's what I said.
- Oh, Frank! - [Giggling.]
Oh, you don't have to do that.
- One thing I would like though.
- Anything.
When I give you the money, if you could sign an I.
O.
U.
Well, it's really a good idea when you lend An I.
O.
U.
And some mention of the interest? - The interest? - Yeah.
I thought five percent.
That's better than you'd get at any bank.
[Growling.]
Oh! Frank Burns! - Frank! - [Whimpering.]
Oh! Oh! [Cheering, Whistling.]
[Cheering.]
[All Chattering.]
[Whistle Blows.]
First prize has been graciously donated by Corporal Max Klinger.
[All Cheering, Applauding.]
[All Cheering, Applauding.]
He always wanted a double-barreled slingshot.
Come on, Henry.
Loosen up a little and have some fun.
- Grab the rope.
- All right, I'll grab the rope.
- Oh! - Hey, hey! Wait a minute.
Who figured out this linuep? It's by rank, Henry.
Uh-huh, except for the old Illini anchorman.
[Laughing.]
It's good for your complexion.
Come on.
All right.
Let 'er rip! - [Whistle Blows.]
- [All Shouting.]
Who turned out the lights? Hey! - Get Henry! - Come on in, Henry! [All Laughing.]
[Laughing Dies Down.]
Choppers.
[Helicopters Approaching.]
[Radar.]
Choppers! Choppers! [Operating Room Chatter.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention.
For all personnel too busy in the O.
R here is the latest from the bulletin board.
Armed Forces Radio announces that Clark Gable is divorcing Lady Sylvia Ashley.
And Sergeant Morrie Mandel announces he is divorcing his Sylvia.
In Washington, Republican candidate Dwight Eisenhower said if he's elected, he'll go to Korea.
[Hawkeye.]
That's what I call a sore winner.
H.
Q.
In Seoul announces that the ammunition shortage continues to be very severe.
[Trapper.]
We got no shortages here.
Heavy fighting will go on in our sector and we can expect casualties for the next 72 hours.
- [Henry.]
Pierce? - Yes, Henry? Good idea, that picnic.
Yes, Henry.