Melissa & Joey s03e16 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Sis, tell your driver not to go down third street because the snow plows never go that way.
Yes, I am a city councilperson, but I have no pull with Big Plow.
Okay.
I'll see you in a minute.
It's pretty slick, getting Joe off to the airport an hour before our mom shows up.
By now, Joe is on a plane on his way to Jersey with no idea that the woman who helped destroy his career is on her way here.
I hate lying to a friend.
But I am so good at it.
Ah ah ah! No hanging ornaments until Meredith gets here.
Check the list.
We have to do everything on your Christmas list in exact order? Yes, because it will make all the Christmas fun go smoother.
You know, your mom only gets two days away from prison.
I want her to relax.
Yeah, because nothing will take her mind off prison like strictly scheduled meals and recreation times.
Wait, you put "Meredith" on her stocking? - Did I spell it right? - It should be spelled "mom".
As in mom.
Hey, her cab's here.
Back up back up back up back up.
Okay.
We can all yell out when she comes in.
- Merry Chris - Joe, what the hell?! Yeah, "Merry Chris" Back at you.
Airport's snowed in.
All the flights are grounded.
Well, that just spoils everything.
For you, not for us.
We're happy to have you here.
Unless you don't want to be here.
Just kidding.
Merry Christmas.
But really, you can go.
- It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! As far as I can see - It's all good.
- All good! - It's okay.
- Okay! - It's all right.
- All right! I guess you're stuck With me - Yo, don't take your coat off.
- Why not? Because as much as we'd love to have you here, I just have a feeling those airports are gonna open any minute now.
Burke, the only thing flying out of here tonight's gonna be reindeer.
Trust me.
Hey, a cab just pulled up.
Are you guys expecting someone? - Santa.
- Pizza.
Santa with pizza.
Santa pizza.
They make the crust out of fruitcake.
It's terrible.
Why don't you just wait upstairs in your room for two days.
- Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- What the hell is going on here? Aunt Mel, just give it up.
All right? It's over.
Uh, Joe? Here.
You guys made me a stocking? Aw.
That says "Meredith"? Wait a minute, the Meredith? Jailbird Meredith? Half the team that ruined my life Meredith? I didn't have enough glitter for all that.
How did she get out of prison? It's just a two day Christmas furlough.
- I mentioned that, didn't I? - No, I would have remembered that.
Kind of the way you remember a repeated stabbing in your back.
How could you keep this from me? Oh, it wasn't easy, but I think I did a pretty good job.
I was just trying to protect your feelings.
Uh, she's paying the driver.
Is she? Probably with some of my money.
Okay, look.
You've got to control yourself.
This visit is very important to my sister.
I know.
And she has such a difficult life, getting those wonderful visits from her children once a month at the country club where they force her to do pilates and watch premium cable.
You know, there is a waiting list to get into that prison.
Good, Joe.
Good.
Just get it all out now before she knocks on the door.
Okay, you're done.
Get in the Christmas spirit or I'll cut you.
Hello, kids! - Hey, mom! - Mom! Come here.
Oh! - Get in here Smelly Melly.
- Okay.
And don't call me that.
Oh, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever.
What the hell is Longo doing here? Surprise.
You said he was gonna be in New Jersey with the rest of the housewives.
Now that you're out of the joint, does that mean a sad bank robber won't be getting his Secret Santa this year? Okay, you two.
Hey, when life gives you lemons Yeah, well speaking as the lemon, who's been squeezed dry I'll be upstairs in my room.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, that's a nice anklet by the way.
What is that, a 24-karat G.
P.
S.
? Look, Joe, I know it's tough seeing Meredith.
It brings up a lot of bad memories That's good, Joe.
Grunt it all out.
But just so you're aware, it is Christmas Eve And knowing that the Grinch is up here doing his angry curls is kind of killing the mood down in Whoville.
Ha ha.
That's so funny, I'm still poor.
Look, you're not the only one with Meredith issues.
All of our lives she always got what she wanted, and she always got it first.
The boobs, the Rachel haircut, and then the husband.
She always rubbed my nose in it.
Well, not the boobs, but everything else.
Yeah, but your sister is not one-upping you anymore, all right? - My life is ruined right now.
- So is hers.
She's divorced, she hardly gets to see her kids and she almost never gets to go shopping.
I mean, doesn't any of her pain make you feel a little more Christmasy? A little.
It would help me if she was missing a couple of teeth.
Okay, so you'll come downstairs and join us and put your resentment away for two days? Oh no, I couldn't come downstairs now even if I wanted to.
- What? - I gotta do my left side.
I don't want to get all uneven.
Hey, remember when we were little, Melly, you used to love to watch me make these? I do.
You know, I actually made this gingerbread myself.
Because I can use the oven now.
It's not bad for a first try.
It just takes practice Or skill.
Right.
But it's not a competition.
Um, you know what? Why don't I just get you guys some more gingerbread with this random oven mitt.
Oh, what does that say? Councilwoman Mel Burke.
That's me.
Okay, who needs another gingerbread wall? - We're good.
- Okay, um Let's see, maybe I can pipe the doors? Already iced.
Okay.
Is there anything I can do at all? Oh yes.
- We need you over here for a family photo.
- Oh great.
Of me and my beautiful children.
Oh.
Sure.
A picture with me not in it.
Say "jolly".
All right.
Here I am Downstairs as requested.
- We're making gingerbread houses.
- Yeah, my mom's the master.
Oh, it's so true.
Yeah.
She'll show you how it's done, Joe.
I mean check out this one she made.
Yeah.
Isn't it beautiful, Longo? Yeah, it is.
Maybe there's a room above the garage that I could afford.
Because I have a lot of ginger, but no bread.
Remember, we're dropping these houses off at the Children's Hospital later, so let's try to fill them with love and not bitterness, because bitterness isn't yummy.
And my kid sister is an expert on bitterness.
What? I said you were an expert.
While I let you two hash that out, I think I'll build a house over here in this sketchy neighborhood.
Where all the gingerbread men had to go who had to start over.
Wait, Joe, that's not how it's done.
You can't use those walls.
- Oh, I think I can.
- Fine.
But they're way too hot.
They're just gonna melt the icing.
If I were you, I'd just be patient and wait till they cool down.
I don't know if these walls are ever gonna cool down.
Oh, they will if they want to.
This wall has had a lot taken away from it Its money, its house, its Porsche.
As a matter of fact, the only thing this wall has left is Its amazing good looks.
Man, even I get this.
Okay, here's a thought.
How about we skip to the next fun activity, on the list.
Let's see ooh.
"Decorating the tree".
Great idea.
How does she do it? You know, Joe, can we just can we clear the air? You somehow think that I am responsible for ruining your life.
You know, this gingerbread was about to cool down, and you had to go cranking up the oven again.
You know, what happened at the company? Nobody was totally innocent.
There were those that were actively involved and those that looked the other way.
Are you saying that I'm to blame? - I'm saying that we all played a part.
- Really? Because I don't remember auditioning for the part of the world's biggest sucker.
Well, you nailed it.
Look, word of advice? All this anger that you're filled with, let it go.
Maybe you could just steal it from me.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I'm fine.
You know what? I am filled with nothing but Christmas spirit, ho.
Ho ho.
Really.
I'm fine.
Totally fine.
You know, she actually does do a really nice job on these things.
Wow.
If only she was inside.
Aren't Ryder and Lennox amazing? I mean, they are turning out so great.
Yeah.
They really are.
And I think I know why.
You can say it.
You know, it doesn't just happen overnight.
No, it doesn't.
It's the phone calls with me every month.
I can give so much quality mothering in those 10 supervised minutes.
That must be it.
Yeah, they are lucky to have such an involved parent.
Yeah, I would do anything for those kids.
Mom, can you hold the other end of this? Oh, no.
Sorry.
Got a phone call.
We know this is a little awkward for you, but we're glad you decided to join us.
Look, I'm happy for you guys.
I guess it is kind of cool that your mom decided to come surprise you for Christmas.
Yeah.
It was so totally out of the blue.
What do you mean? We knew for weeks.
Aah! That Christmas was coming.
Wait a minute.
You all lied to me? I don't believe this.
To spare your feelings, Joe.
Christmas is that special time of year for Lying to those you love, just like the song says.
What song? You know Snowman in the yard.
Santa flies above.
'Tis the season to forgive, and lie to those you love.
Oh That's not a song.
Rise above, rise above Everybody.
Lie to those you love See, they know it.
Hey, the back of the tree is looking a little bald, are there anymore ornaments? Yeah.
Guys, can you get the other ornaments out of the garage? Meredith, there are some candy canes in the boxes back there.
Great.
So what? You guys have been all laughing behind my back for like a week now, huh? Can you just dial it back and rise above? If I can do it, you can do it.
What do you have to rise above? Hey, I get not a word of thanks from her, and I have been raising her kids for three years with no help from anybody.
- Anybody? - You you know what I mean.
Just be serene, like me.
Look, ohmmm.
Wait, I'll get it.
It's my little surprise for the family.
See? Meredith's trying.
She got us all a gift.
Maybe it's a box of steaks.
Mel, Joe, this is Eliot McDunnough.
- Merry Christmas.
- You look very familiar.
Oh, I was the Judge at Meredith's securities fraud trial.
- What are you doing here? - Eliot is my boyfriend.
What?! - She said that Eliot is her boyfriend.
- I heard.
Dating your Judge.
That is so Something sisters usually share.
Well, yeah.
We started dating right after Lewis and I got divorced.
Before that, it was totally platonic with a little bit of Skype sex.
Good to know.
So banging more than gavels, are we? Well, the jury may have convicted her, but as the presiding Judge, I believe The only thing Meredith stole was my heart.
How's that serenity coming? It just came back up.
- Found 'em.
- Oh, look who's here.
Meredith, aren't you gonna introduce your boyfriend to your kids? - Hey, Eliot.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Sup, dog? They appear to be acquainted.
So you guys knew about your mom's boyfriend and you didn't tell me? Well, she said she wanted to tell you herself, she said you like surprises.
Oh.
Well, I'll tell you something that isn't a surprise The fact that after all these years, my sister's still Snowman in the yard.
Santa flies above Shut up! It's not a real song.
Uh, excuse me.
I am late for my eggnog coma.
- Are you okay? - Oh, never better.
You know, my sister's in prison and yet she still found a handsome guy with a great job and I'm not even close to having a boy Hey.
I hope it's okay that Eliot dropped by.
He just wanted to meet you.
And I really wanted you to meet him too.
Oh, it's great.
It's all great.
Okay, well because if there's someone in your life I'd like to meet him too.
Is there a man in your life? No.
No.
You know I haven't been meeting the right kind of guys.
I don't know, maybe if I got indicted.
Oh.
I'm so glad you can still joke your way out of your real feelings, Mel.
Do you see what she does?! Don't let her push your buttons.
You're right.
You know what? I'm gonna rise above.
Way above.
Watch me rise all the way to the North Pole.
On Dasher, on Dancer and all the other guys.
What happened to Aunt Mel? Where oh where could she have gone when Christmas is nigh? Hark, do I hear sleigh bells on the roof? Who could that be? Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas.
Oh, well, looks like most everybody's here.
But where's that adorable Mel Burke? She always disappears when Santa shows up.
Ho ho ho.
- She does this every year? - Every year, man.
All right.
This year, Santa's gonna need his little Elf helper.
- Hey, what the? - Bup bup bup.
Your pointy-eared ass is Santa's property now.
Santa better watch his mouth or else he's gonna be shoved back up the chimney.
Ho ho ho! What a grumpy little Elf.
- You - All right.
I think it's time for some gifts.
So, have you kids been good this year? Have you been especially nice to your sweet Aunt Mel? We have, Santa.
We do everything she tells us.
Even pretending it's not lame when she dresses up.
Ho ho ho! Santa likes you guys.
Okay.
One gift tonight, and the rest will be under the tree tomorrow.
But, Meredith, I checked my nice list twice, and I didn't see your name.
Hmm.
Check the naughty list.
Okay.
You're grossing Santa out, but Santa got you a gift anyway, because Santa is so forgiving.
Wait a minute, Santa.
This must have Fallen out of your bag.
It's got Meredith's name on it.
Are you Elfing kidding me? My dear sweet, innocent Meredith, will you marry me? Of course I will! Guys, aren't you rushing it a little shouldn't you run it by the kids first? Eliot already took care of that.
Yeah, he called us last week and asked for our blessing.
It was so sweet.
And no one told Santa? It's like Santa doesn't even exist.
Lennox! Ryder! Christmas morning! The show goes on.
Lots more Christmas fun to check off the list.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
What are you doing? Oh, Eliot's just disarming my ankle bracelet.
A little tin foil does the trick.
Isn't that illegal? Oh, I've got pull with the Judge.
Okay.
All right, adorable.
All right.
That's enough.
Recess! Good thing you guys are down here, because it is time to open the presents.
Actually, we are gonna do the official gift exchange at Eliot's house.
Can't wait to share the exciting news of our engagement with my family.
Oh.
Well, I'm sorry that you and Meredith have to leave immediately, but I assume you'll be back afterwards to see Ryder and Lennox? - We're ready.
- Yeah, let's go.
Uh, where are you guys going? It's time to open presents.
Oh, we're gonna open presents with mom at Eliot's.
But thanks for having mom here, Aunt Mel.
You're welcome.
Yeah, it's been so great spending Christmas with her.
- Okay, we gotta go, guys.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Mel.
Merry Christmas.
"Abandon Aunt Mel".
That's not on the list.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, I didn't think the planes would be taking off today.
Noon flight.
No, that is terrific.
Yeah.
I'll take a middle seat.
Whatever.
I don't care.
Put me between a crying baby and fat guy with a cough.
Just get me on the plane.
Thanks.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, good morning, Burke.
Merry Christmas.
Good old Joe.
I'm so glad you're here.
Actually, I just got off the phone and I heard people up.
Where is everyone? They left.
All of them? Yep.
Yeah, you missed all the fun um, last night, Eliot and Meredith had a lovely conjugal visit in the guest room next to mine.
It was like 10th grade all over again.
And that's not even the best part, um My sister just took my niece and nephew away from me on Christmas day.
Wait a minute.
What about the ankle thing? I mean, if she leaves the house Foil, Joe.
Foil.
The entire justice system is taken down by tin foil.
But it's okay.
I'm not completely alone.
I still got you.
Uh Yeah.
Yep.
Um You sure do.
Wait, why did you bring your suitcase down? Did you get a flight out of here? No.
No, I didn't get a flight.
Nope.
I was You know what that is? That's wishful thinking.
I wanted to get a flight, but I couldn't get a flight.
So Yeah.
So it's just it's just you and me here.
You know what? Let's not waste the time though let's uh, look at this Christmas list of yours and um, see what's left on here that still needs to be done.
What do we have here? Okay.
"Big Christmas karaoke sing-along with everybody".
We'll just put a pin in that one.
Okay, "make a Pear Trifle with bourbon".
Might be a little early for bourbon though.
Ah, not with the night Santa had.
We might not even need those pears.
She's got the diamonds.
She's got the fiance, she's got the kids.
What have I got? A bourbon and you.
Thanks a lot.
Hey, I put you up there with bourbon, and this is the good stuff.
Think about it this way; All right, yes, she has the kids today, but you get the kids the rest of the year.
- I mean, come on.
That's not a bad ratio.
- Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.
I just feel bad that you didn't get to see your family this year.
Oh well.
You know, it's okay.
I mean look, I get to be here with you.
And you know, I got to see Santa Claus.
Although I gotta tell you, he seemed a little unhinged.
What?! Santa is perfectly hinged.
- Hey, more bourbon.
- Yes.
Okay.
All right, now don't be stingy.
It's Christmas.
- Ah! Attaboy.
- Hey, whoa.
What are you? Let's make it a blackout cake.
There you go.
You know, I saw on the news that the airport was open this morning.
Oh.
Well, yeah.
The Toledo airport was open.
- If you had checked Newark youd've - Newark was open, too.
You lied to me when you said you couldn't get a flight out.
Hey Tis the season.
You're a good person.
I am.
One time a year.
You know, I am a little curious about something.
Yeah, what? Your abs are so tight that - Does this hurt? - Does what? - That? That? - What? - That? That? - I'm sorry.
- Come on.
Oh, come on.
- There a strong draft in here? Somebody trying to do something? Come on.
Go ahead I don't feel anything.
I don't feel okay okay.
That's good.
That's enough.
Hey, are we back in time for karaoke caroling? - Just in the nick of time.
- Yes, you are.
- Where's your mom? - She's still at Eliot's house.
Why aren't you guys opening gifts with her? We did, but then we wanted to get back home To our family.
Yeah, it's Christmas day.
Where else would we spend it? Well then, where's that crazy list of yours? Oh.
Oh.
Hey, we still have we still have one thing left.
Christmas karaoke.
Now come on, let's go.
This list is not gonna check itself off, people.
Let's go! Uh, Longo, now that they're back you could probably still catch a flight out.
And miss hearing you drunkenly mangle all the Christmas classics? I don't think so.
Come on.
My voice improves with alcohol.
Yeah, sure.
If the audience is drinking it.
Let's go.
Fall on your knees.
Fall on your knees.
Oh hear the Angel voices.
Oh hear the Angel voices.
Oh night That was amazing.
You gotta save a little Christmas for the rest of us.
- I didn't finish.
- I think you did.
Yeah.
Let's all sing some songs.
- Yeah.
- Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Uh, but we've already done all of these.
Hey, you know what? I know a song that we haven't done, ready? Okay.
Here we go.
Rise above, rise above.
Can't we rise above? It's Christmas time, so let's be kind.
And lie to those.
We love Check!