Riverdale (2017) s03e16 Episode Script
Chapter Fifty-One: Big Fun
1 [KEVIN.]
Previously on Riverdale I want to be more than just your errand boy.
Or casual hookup.
I want to matter, Ronnie.
I just went through a wrenching breakup.
I'm taking things slow.
[JOSIE.]
Sweet Pea, I told you that our summer fling was gonna be just that, a fling.
Can I kiss you? Archie I can't spend all my time cooped up in that house.
It sounds like you regret moving in with me.
I've been hearing rumors that you moved to town to take the drug trade from Hiram Lodge.
It's about time the Joneses got a taste of the American dream.
What are you gonna do now? [JUGHEAD.]
Protect my dad and run my mom out of town.
Do you want to help? Brother Kevin.
[BETTY.]
Groups like the Farm prey on emotionally vulnerable people.
[CHERYL.]
Midge was murdered during your production of Carrie.
This year's musical is Heathers.
Any questions? Heathers: The Musical? Now how, in God's name, is a play about teen violence and suicide a good idea in Riverdale, especially after the tragedy of last year's musical? Please, Mayor Lodge.
Yes, Heathers deals with teen alienation and desperation, but its characters long for simpler, more innocent times.
It's ultimate message is a rejection of nihilism.
If you'll just listen to the lyrics of the first song.
Evelyn.
["BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING.]
We were so tiny Happy and shiny Playing tag And getting chased Then we got bigger That was the trigger Like the Huns invading Rome Welcome to my school This ain't no high school This is the Thunderdome But I know, I know Life can be beautiful I pray, I pray For a better way If we changed back then We could change again We can be beautiful - Just not today - Dweeb.
Things will get better Soon as my letter Comes from Harvard Duke or Brown Wake from this coma Take my diploma Then I can blow this town Dream of ivy-covered walls And smoky French cafes Fight the urge To strike a match And set this dump ablaze But I know, I know, I know Life can be beautiful I pray, I pray, I pray For a better way We were kind before We can be kind once more We can be beautiful Just not today I had a dream I was searching for a needle in a haystack.
Care to interpret, Dr.
Freud? Your plan's a good one, Jug.
Your mom can't start dealing drugs without a lab to make them in.
So you find the lab, shut it down, and stop her before she gets a toehold.
That's the goal for the week.
And I know, I know Life can be beautiful I pray, I pray For a better way We were kind before We can be kind once more We can be beautiful Just not today Look, listen, you guys don't know what your kids are thinking, what they're dealing with.
[ALL.]
Why do they hate me? Why don't I fight back? Why do I act Like such a creep? Why won't she date me? [BOTH.]
Why did I hit him? [ALL.]
Why do I cry myself to sleep? Somebody hug me Somebody fix me Somebody save me Send me a sign, God Give me some hope, here Something to live for Are all of you this miserable? Well, there is Cheryl Blossom, floating above it all as Heather Chandler.
[GIRLS.]
Ah, Heather, Heather and Heather She was a real mess after her breakup with Toni, but then she gave herself the role of HBIC.
Veronica and Betty are playing the other Heathers, Heather McNamara and Heather Duke.
But Cheryl's the mythic bitch.
And you know, you know, you know This could be beautiful Mascara maybe some lip gloss And we're on our way Get this girl some blush And, Heather, I need your brush Let's make me beautiful [VERONICA.]
Let's make her beautiful Let's make her beautiful [ALL.]
Beautiful Okay? [BOTH.]
Okay Out of my way, geek I don't want trouble You're gonna die at 3:00 p.
m.
Don't you dare touch me Get away, pervert What did I ever do to them? [ALL.]
Who could survive this? I can't escape this I think I'm dying And you know, you know, you know Life can be beautiful [GIRLS.]
You hope, you dream, you pray And you get your way Ask me how it feels Looking like hell on wheels My God, it's beautiful [ALL.]
Beautiful I might be beautiful Beautiful And when you're beautiful It's a beautiful fricking day Greetings, Heathers family.
Now, before we start today, there's been a slight change to our creative team.
You all know Evelyn Evernever has been helping me produce the musical.
But I've also asked Evelyn to step up and be my co-director.
Yay! So fun! What? Kevin, no, you always direct the musical alone.
Which has been incredibly stressful, Betty.
Especially after last year's events.
[SIGHS.]
Can we just not talk about Midge? - Please? - No.
How about we do a rundown of everybody's parts, catch Evelyn up to speed? I'm playing Veronica Sawyer, outcast turned Heather turned outcast again.
Hi, I'm Sweet Pea.
Um, playing JD, Veronica Sawyer's bad boy love interest.
Reggie Mantle.
AKA jock Ram Sweeney.
Gonna bro it up with my bud Arch here, just two single straight dudes doing some theater.
Given how much dancing there is in Heathers, Evelyn and I felt we should bring on a choreographer, so give a big Heathers hello to Riverdale's resident fly girl, Toni Topaz! [STUDENTS APPLAUDING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Um, does anyone have a chainsaw, because what the [EVELYN.]
Everything in your lives matters.
There are universal truths within each of your personal experiences.
A you inside of me, a me inside of you.
In rehearsal, we are going to explore our own personal traumas and experiences and exercise them through our art.
[CLAPS.]
All right, Cheryl, Veronica, Betty, "Candy Store," set and costumes are ready.
Go get changed.
So this number is about the Heathers's undeniable power.
Each of you can get anything you want at any time.
So really unleash that force.
We'll all start with some simple steps.
Yeah, we got it, thanks.
Uh, Toni has some fantastic choreo.
How very.
But my Heathers and I have already worked out our own choreography Come on, Cheryl.
I'm trying to be professional here, can you not? Are we gonna have a problem? ["CANDY STORE" PLAYING.]
- [GIRLS.]
I like - Looking hot Buying stuff they cannot I like Drinking hard Maxing Dad's credit card I like Skipping gym Scaring her, screwing him I like Killer clothes Kicking nerds in the nose If you lack the juice Go play Duck, Duck, Goose Let your mommy Fix you ice cream Whoa Or come hang with me And tonight will be Dirty dancing With the football team Whoa, whoa, whoa Honey, what you waiting for? Welcome to my candy store It's time for you to prove You're not a loser anymore And step into My candy store Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, honey what you waiting for? Welcome to my candy store You just got to prove You're not a doorknob anymore Then step into My candy store You can join the team Or you can bitch and moan You can live the dream Or you can die alone You can fly with eagles Of if you prefer Keep on testing me And end up like her Whoa Honey, what you waiting for Shut up, Toni! Step into my candy store Time for you to prove You're not a lame ass anymore Then step into My candy store It's my candy store It's my candy It's my candy store It's my candy It's my candy store It's my candy store I know what you're up to.
Lowering Sweet Pea's solo? Cute.
This entire musical is just one big recruitment drive for you, isn't it? I'm sorry, I don't follow.
The Farm is sponsoring the play.
You strong-armed your way into co-directing.
Your "warm-up" sermons? "Exercising trauma through art" screams cult recruitment.
Betty, dissect these trust issues.
The Farm is producing and I'm co-directing the musical for one simple reason.
To have big fun.
In fact Yeah.
Okay.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Everyone, hi.
Um, I know that cast parties are usually after opening night, but the Farm will be hosting a little get-together tonight - at the former Sisters of Quiet Mercy - Sweet.
And, um, I know it may seem a little weird or methody, but come in costume.
[ALL WHOOPING.]
[BOY.]
Let's go.
Anything big come over the radio today? Yeah, as a matter of fact, there were a string of pharmacy break-ins and, uh Wasn't sure I was going to tell you this, but, uh, Tent City was ransacked.
Our old trailer was stolen.
Wait, missing pharmaceuticals and a stolen house on wheels? I mean, doesn't that sound like the makings of a mobile drug lab? It's possible, sure.
I mean, Riverdale's filled with a lot of desperate folks.
Maybe the Serpents and I can help you look for it.
What, the trailer? Boy, it was worthless.
Well, not to me.
That was our home for how many years? Too many.
Just popping in to change.
There's a cast party tonight.
Don't wait up.
Uh, Veronica, we have to talk.
Your mother and I are separating.
What? No, you're not.
Very funny.
Um I'll be staying at the Five Seasons indefinitely.
Wait, what is happening? It's already been decided.
We wanted to tell you in person.
No, Daddy Whatever this is, we can figure it out as a family.
Just Can someone please tell me what's going on? Ask your mother.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mom? He knows, Veronica.
Knows what? The truth.
He knows I sold the drugs out from under him while he was in the hospital.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna take a bath.
[SNIFFLES.]
You have fun with your friends.
[VERONICA.]
Well, given the night I've been having, I, for one, could use a libation, so Salud.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'll take one.
- That's the spirit.
- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [BOYS WHOOPING.]
I wonder what your father Edgar would say about all this, Evelyn.
No need to wonder.
Dad says "Act your age" You heard the boss It's time to rage Blast the bass Turn out the light ain't nobody home tonight Get down, it's all cool Jump right in My heated pool Punch the wall And start a fight Ain't nobody home tonight Ahhh The folks are gone It's time for big fun Big fun We're up till dawn Having some big fun Big fun It's time to overflow That hot tub on the patio It's big fun Big fun It's big fun - Whoo - Veronica, you are looking good tonight.
A hot guy smiled at me Without a trace of mockery Brainiac cleans up all right Veronica is hot tonight This night's all a blur How did I get so popular? Don't get close You might ignite Veronica is hot tonight Dreams are coming true When people laugh But not at you I'm not alone, I'm not afraid I feel like Bono at Live Aid Big fun! Big fun! Big Fun I'm actually having Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! The party's hot, hot, hot It's time for big fun Big fun You need a Jell-O shot We're having big fun Big fun Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang I can't believe she actually came.
I need a refill.
It's time to let everything go.
Follow my lead.
Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Diggety-dang-a-dang The folks are gone It's time for big fun Big fun We're up till dawn Having some big fun Big fun Our folks got no clue 'Bout half the stuff Their children do Big fun Big fun Big fun Big fun It's big fun Big fun Whoo [BOY.]
All right.
Can I confess something? I was afraid this was never gonna happen again.
Me too.
But maybe you and me are meant to be together.
Maybe we're end game.
Reggie [EVELYN.]
Hungry, Kevin? Here.
It's an organic brownie with farm-grown maple mushrooms baked in.
- Oh! - Try it.
They're transformative.
Enjoy the ride.
With a big gulp of water.
Fountain's in the hall.
So last night was big fun.
But now it's time to dig deep.
So, we're each gonna share something that we've never told anyone before.
Big or small.
So, does no one have a burden that the rest of us can help shoulder? [SIGHS.]
I'm being haunted by Midge's ghost.
I've been thinking about her all the time since rehearsals started and I just I just - feel so guilty.
- I've been seeing her, too.
Not her ghost.
But in nightmares.
[EVELYN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
How beautiful.
[SIGHS.]
Through revealing their truth, these two young men have found an unexpected connection, perhaps more.
So, um, who would like to go next? I've got something.
I know it was just supposed to be a summer fling, - and, uh, she didn't want a relationship.
- [SIGHS.]
But I did.
So it really blew to see Archie and Josie getting cozy last night.
Arch, - are you and Josie dating? - Well, I mean [JOSIE.]
Uh - [REGGIE.]
Did you know about this? - What? No, I had no idea.
[REGGIE.]
The fact that your ex-boo has a new girlfriend has nothing to do with you suddenly being all-in with me? Veronica? Anything to share? I just found out that my parents are separating.
My family's unconventional, to say the least, but I always thought, no matter what, they'd stay together.
And that is what we in the theater call a breakthrough.
So, I guess people know about us now.
Yup.
He's a real class-act, that Sweet Pea.
Josie, is it such a bad thing? Why not make it official? Why not be boyfriend and girlfriend? Archie Okay.
The other day, when you asked how we got together, we were lonely.
It's not exactly a strong bedrock.
[ARCHIE.]
That's what you think we are? Just lonely souls, filling the void? So that's the real reason.
You wanted to get back together because your parents are splitsville.
Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to ignore it.
To feel better.
You make me feel better.
[SIGHS.]
I know how it must seem.
And I would understand if you never wanted to talk to me again.
That's not what I'm saying.
And truly, it sucks about your folks, but I don't think this is something we should be doing right now.
[REGGIE SIGHS.]
What's your damage, Child of the Corn? I just thought you might want to see what's happening in the hall.
Um, did you have a lobotomy for breakfast? You're wearing my signature color.
You don't own the color red.
Red existed before you.
Not at Riverdale High.
Here, I invented red.
I am red.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Sorry, but this school's not big enough for both of us.
faux-Pink Lady.
And I was here first.
So go to Centerville High.
Or Westerberg.
I don't care.
But you have until first bell Monday to clear every trace of yourself out of these halls.
Copy? ["DEAD GIRL WALKING" PLAYING.]
The demon queen Of high school has decreed it She says Monday, 8:00 a.
m.
I'll be deleted They'll hunt me down in study hall Stuff and mount me on the wall Thirty hours to live How shall I spend them? I'll jump right on My motorbike Or Here's an option that I like Spend these 30 hours Getting freaky All hope is gone I'm a dead girl walking I'm on your lawn I'm a dead girl walking Before they punch my clock I'm snapping off Your window lock Got no time to knock I'm a dead girl walking Uh, Toni, Peaches.
What's going on? Shh.
Had to see you Hope I didn't wake you But I intend to hold you Till I break you 'Cause Cheryl says I got to go You're my last meal On death row Shut your mouth And lose them tightie-whities And you know, you know, you know It's cause you're beautiful You say you're numb inside But I can't agree So the world's unfair Keep it locked out there In here it's beautiful Let's make this beautiful [BOTH.]
That works for me.
- Stop.
- [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
Stop.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought you guys here.
I can't do this.
[JUGHEAD.]
Sweet Pea and Fangs are on musical detail, but the rest of you have your groups and grids.
Scour the area, find the trailer.
Now, if I'm right, it's being used as a drug lab, and we need to shut it down.
First sight of it, you call me ASAP.
Okay? [SERPENTS AGREEING.]
Do you want to go hunting with me tonight? I wish, but I heard from Well, Eavesdropping Evelyn called a closed rehearsal for select cast members in the Gargoyle Chamber.
Can I borrow your camera? ["OUR LOVE IS GOD' PLAYING.]
[EVELYN.]
They made you cry But that will end tonight We'll burn it down and then We'll build the world again Our love is God [BOTH.]
We can start And finish wars We're what killed The dinosaurs We're the asteroid That's overdue The new world needed room For me and you [CAMERA CLICKING.]
I worship you I'd trade my life for yours They all will disappear We'll plant our garden here Plant our garden here Our love is God May the one become many Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God [CONTINUES CLICKING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey.
Hey.
You got my text.
You came.
Um I wanted to talk to you.
Wait.
Can I go first? Look, if you don't want to be in a relationship because you're not into me, then that's fine.
But if you do like me Then let's start figuring out what we are, and what we can be to each other.
For real, let's clean the slate and let's fight for this.
Let's fight for us.
["FIGHT FOR ME" PLAYING.]
Hey, Mr.
No-Name Kid So who might you be? And could you fight for me? And, hey Could you face the crowd? Could you be seen with me And still act proud? Hey, could you hold my hand And could I carry you Through no man's land? It's fine If you don't agree But I would fight for you If you would fight for me Well, whoa You can punch real good You've lasted longer Than I thought you would So, hey, Mr.
No-Name Kid If some night you're free Wanna fight for me? If we're still alive I would fight for you If you would fight for me Check that out.
Principal Weatherbee, Heathers is being used to indoctrinate students into a cult.
It looks like these two boys are simply rehearsing.
[BETTY.]
No.
No, no, this is part of a religious ceremony.
A ritual.
The Farm's a fully sanctioned club, Ms.
Cooper.
Approved by me, after I read Edgar's doctrines.
Which, I must say, I found quite fascinating and appealing.
[BETTY.]
Jug, you'll never believe this, but I think Weatherbee is part of the Farm.
[JUGHEAD.]
Yeah, well, I have news, too.
Can you meet me at Junkyard Steve's, ASAP? What is that, drain cleaner? [TONI.]
No.
It's an olive branch.
So you're here to beg for clemency? No.
[SIGHS.]
For us.
What are we doing? What are we even fighting about? Babe, what was love like in your family? It was all or nothing.
Pure adoration or distilled hate.
Thornhill was a den of shadows, and Jay-Jay was my only light.
And he died, and it was dark again.
Until you.
Then it felt like you were disappearing on me.
But I'm not gone.
I'm right here.
And maybe it's not too late for us.
[JUGHEAD.]
Tonsils called it in.
Oh, my God.
This was my childhood home.
My mom destroyed it.
And how the hell did it get here? When did our lives go from worry about who was going to sit net to us on the bus to drug lord mothers? [SCOFFS.]
And serial killer fathers.
And unstoppable cults.
[KEVIN.]
This is the emotional climax of the musical.
"Seventeen" captures the longing all the characters feel for what they've lost, their teen innocence.
[PLAYING "SEVENTEEN".]
What are we gonna do? [JUGHEAD CRYING.]
I've got a crazy idea.
[SIGHS.]
Let's be normal See bad movies Sneak a beer and watch TV We'll bake brownies Or go bowling Don't you want A life with me? Can't we be 17? That's all I want to do If you could let me in I could be good with you People hurt us Or they vanish And you're right That really blows But we let go Take a deep breath And go buy Some summer clothes We'll go camping Play some poker And we'll eat Some chili fries Maybe prom night Maybe dancing Don't stop looking in my eyes Your eyes Can't we be 17? Is that so hard to do? If you could let me in I could be good with you Let us be 17 If we still got the right So, what's it gonna be? I want to be with you [BOTH.]
I want to be with you [ALL.]
Tonight You're the one I choose [1940S MUSIC PLAYING.]
Maybe Maybe we can steal the trailer back while everyone's at the play.
Arch can lend me the keys to his dad's truck, and I can just move it, get it out of my mom's hands.
Is this idea maybe more emotional than practical? Because another thing that you could do is What? You let it go.
[VERONICA.]
Come back home, Daddy.
So what if Mom tried to get rid of your drugs? Do you want to know the real reason why we're getting a divorce? [VERONICA SIGHS.]
I found out that your mother tried to have me killed.
Twice.
I I can't believe that.
Oh, mija, yes, you can.
- [UTENSIL CLATTERS.]
- In fact, I think part of you already knew.
You always say, "Family is the most important thing.
" Family's trust.
You and your mother betrayed me, so there is no family anymore.
Veronica, your solo's up.
I was going to talk about the devastating loneliness your character feels at this particular moment, but it seems like you're already there, so take it away.
["LIFEBOAT" PLAYING.]
I float in a boat In a raging black ocean Low in the water And nowhere to go The tiniest lifeboat With people I know Cold, clammy, and crowded The people smell desperate We'll sink any minute So someone must go The tiniest lifeboat With the people I know Don't worry.
I'm not Parent-Trapping you.
I recognize your irreconcilable differences.
But I do have a request to make.
Come to opening night.
Together.
That's all I ask.
To make one last happy memory.
I'm hugging my knees And the captain is pointing I thought I was captain Still, the weakest must go The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know - [GLADYS SCOFFS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Well, finally, we gotta motor in ten.
- Whoa, what the hell happened? - Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.
It's just some scratches.
JB, would you, uh, run and pick me out a clean shirt, please? Did you piss off a cat in heat? Some tweaked-out Fizzle-head was playing G&G in the middle of the damn road.
The candy store is definitely back open.
But I am gonna find whoever is cooking that crap.
Drugs, it's terrible.
What a nightmare.
Dad, if you're okay, I think Betty and I are going to ride ahead.
- We'll just meet you at the play.
- [FP.]
Okay.
Why, what's going on? Just a quick stop.
A little pre-show tradition.
Sign my program later? - [SWEET PEA.]
Hey, Evelyn? - Hey.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- It's ten minutes to places, cast.
- [CAST.]
Thank you.
Ten.
[FANGS EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[JOSIE CHUCKLES.]
And now for my favorite part.
Blot.
[SPEAKS FRENCH.]
This color was made for you.
We have to get you a tube.
[TONI LAUGHS.]
- Where have you been? - Hi, Kev, sorry, we had to make a quick stop.
What is all over your faces? Soot? - [BETTY CHUCKLES.]
- Get to makeup, stat.
- Okay.
- And, Betty, make sure he knows his line and choreography for the finale.
- Okay.
- My line? - Yeah.
- I'm not part of the cast.
No, it's kind of a big statement song now.
Kevin wants everyone in it.
Don't worry, follow my lead.
It's basically just a costume change.
Come on.
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- ["SEVENTEEN" PLAYING.]
[BETTY.]
Listen up, folks War is over Brand new sheriff's Come to town We are done with acting evil We will lay our weapons down We're all damaged We're all frightened We're all freaks But that's all right [JOSIE.]
We'll endure it We'll survive it Martha, are you free tonight? Jeez Talk about watching your childhood go up in flames.
[EXPLOSION.]
Are you okay? I'm surviving.
Because you're here with me.
I can't promise No more Heathers High school may not ever end Still I miss you I'd be honored, if you'd Let me be your friend [GIRLS.]
My friend We can be 17 We can learn how to chill If no one loves me now Someday somebody will [BOYS VOCALIZING.]
We can be 17 Still time to make things right We want a better world So why not start tonight? [BOYS VOCALIZING.]
Let's go be 17 [BOYS.]
We can be beautiful [GIRLS.]
Take off our shoes And dance [BOYS.]
You know, you know, you know [GIRLS.]
Act like we're all still kids 'Cause this may be Our final chance [BOYS.]
You know, you know, you know [GIRLS.]
Always be 17 [BOYS.]
We can be beautiful [GIRLS.]
Celebrate you and I Maybe we won't grow old [ALL.]
And maybe then We'll never die We'll make it beautiful We'll make it beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful [MAN CLAPPING.]
[PEOPLE CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
I knew my dad would like it.
[CULT MEMBERS CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
Previously on Riverdale I want to be more than just your errand boy.
Or casual hookup.
I want to matter, Ronnie.
I just went through a wrenching breakup.
I'm taking things slow.
[JOSIE.]
Sweet Pea, I told you that our summer fling was gonna be just that, a fling.
Can I kiss you? Archie I can't spend all my time cooped up in that house.
It sounds like you regret moving in with me.
I've been hearing rumors that you moved to town to take the drug trade from Hiram Lodge.
It's about time the Joneses got a taste of the American dream.
What are you gonna do now? [JUGHEAD.]
Protect my dad and run my mom out of town.
Do you want to help? Brother Kevin.
[BETTY.]
Groups like the Farm prey on emotionally vulnerable people.
[CHERYL.]
Midge was murdered during your production of Carrie.
This year's musical is Heathers.
Any questions? Heathers: The Musical? Now how, in God's name, is a play about teen violence and suicide a good idea in Riverdale, especially after the tragedy of last year's musical? Please, Mayor Lodge.
Yes, Heathers deals with teen alienation and desperation, but its characters long for simpler, more innocent times.
It's ultimate message is a rejection of nihilism.
If you'll just listen to the lyrics of the first song.
Evelyn.
["BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING.]
We were so tiny Happy and shiny Playing tag And getting chased Then we got bigger That was the trigger Like the Huns invading Rome Welcome to my school This ain't no high school This is the Thunderdome But I know, I know Life can be beautiful I pray, I pray For a better way If we changed back then We could change again We can be beautiful - Just not today - Dweeb.
Things will get better Soon as my letter Comes from Harvard Duke or Brown Wake from this coma Take my diploma Then I can blow this town Dream of ivy-covered walls And smoky French cafes Fight the urge To strike a match And set this dump ablaze But I know, I know, I know Life can be beautiful I pray, I pray, I pray For a better way We were kind before We can be kind once more We can be beautiful Just not today I had a dream I was searching for a needle in a haystack.
Care to interpret, Dr.
Freud? Your plan's a good one, Jug.
Your mom can't start dealing drugs without a lab to make them in.
So you find the lab, shut it down, and stop her before she gets a toehold.
That's the goal for the week.
And I know, I know Life can be beautiful I pray, I pray For a better way We were kind before We can be kind once more We can be beautiful Just not today Look, listen, you guys don't know what your kids are thinking, what they're dealing with.
[ALL.]
Why do they hate me? Why don't I fight back? Why do I act Like such a creep? Why won't she date me? [BOTH.]
Why did I hit him? [ALL.]
Why do I cry myself to sleep? Somebody hug me Somebody fix me Somebody save me Send me a sign, God Give me some hope, here Something to live for Are all of you this miserable? Well, there is Cheryl Blossom, floating above it all as Heather Chandler.
[GIRLS.]
Ah, Heather, Heather and Heather She was a real mess after her breakup with Toni, but then she gave herself the role of HBIC.
Veronica and Betty are playing the other Heathers, Heather McNamara and Heather Duke.
But Cheryl's the mythic bitch.
And you know, you know, you know This could be beautiful Mascara maybe some lip gloss And we're on our way Get this girl some blush And, Heather, I need your brush Let's make me beautiful [VERONICA.]
Let's make her beautiful Let's make her beautiful [ALL.]
Beautiful Okay? [BOTH.]
Okay Out of my way, geek I don't want trouble You're gonna die at 3:00 p.
m.
Don't you dare touch me Get away, pervert What did I ever do to them? [ALL.]
Who could survive this? I can't escape this I think I'm dying And you know, you know, you know Life can be beautiful [GIRLS.]
You hope, you dream, you pray And you get your way Ask me how it feels Looking like hell on wheels My God, it's beautiful [ALL.]
Beautiful I might be beautiful Beautiful And when you're beautiful It's a beautiful fricking day Greetings, Heathers family.
Now, before we start today, there's been a slight change to our creative team.
You all know Evelyn Evernever has been helping me produce the musical.
But I've also asked Evelyn to step up and be my co-director.
Yay! So fun! What? Kevin, no, you always direct the musical alone.
Which has been incredibly stressful, Betty.
Especially after last year's events.
[SIGHS.]
Can we just not talk about Midge? - Please? - No.
How about we do a rundown of everybody's parts, catch Evelyn up to speed? I'm playing Veronica Sawyer, outcast turned Heather turned outcast again.
Hi, I'm Sweet Pea.
Um, playing JD, Veronica Sawyer's bad boy love interest.
Reggie Mantle.
AKA jock Ram Sweeney.
Gonna bro it up with my bud Arch here, just two single straight dudes doing some theater.
Given how much dancing there is in Heathers, Evelyn and I felt we should bring on a choreographer, so give a big Heathers hello to Riverdale's resident fly girl, Toni Topaz! [STUDENTS APPLAUDING.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Um, does anyone have a chainsaw, because what the [EVELYN.]
Everything in your lives matters.
There are universal truths within each of your personal experiences.
A you inside of me, a me inside of you.
In rehearsal, we are going to explore our own personal traumas and experiences and exercise them through our art.
[CLAPS.]
All right, Cheryl, Veronica, Betty, "Candy Store," set and costumes are ready.
Go get changed.
So this number is about the Heathers's undeniable power.
Each of you can get anything you want at any time.
So really unleash that force.
We'll all start with some simple steps.
Yeah, we got it, thanks.
Uh, Toni has some fantastic choreo.
How very.
But my Heathers and I have already worked out our own choreography Come on, Cheryl.
I'm trying to be professional here, can you not? Are we gonna have a problem? ["CANDY STORE" PLAYING.]
- [GIRLS.]
I like - Looking hot Buying stuff they cannot I like Drinking hard Maxing Dad's credit card I like Skipping gym Scaring her, screwing him I like Killer clothes Kicking nerds in the nose If you lack the juice Go play Duck, Duck, Goose Let your mommy Fix you ice cream Whoa Or come hang with me And tonight will be Dirty dancing With the football team Whoa, whoa, whoa Honey, what you waiting for? Welcome to my candy store It's time for you to prove You're not a loser anymore And step into My candy store Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, honey what you waiting for? Welcome to my candy store You just got to prove You're not a doorknob anymore Then step into My candy store You can join the team Or you can bitch and moan You can live the dream Or you can die alone You can fly with eagles Of if you prefer Keep on testing me And end up like her Whoa Honey, what you waiting for Shut up, Toni! Step into my candy store Time for you to prove You're not a lame ass anymore Then step into My candy store It's my candy store It's my candy It's my candy store It's my candy It's my candy store It's my candy store I know what you're up to.
Lowering Sweet Pea's solo? Cute.
This entire musical is just one big recruitment drive for you, isn't it? I'm sorry, I don't follow.
The Farm is sponsoring the play.
You strong-armed your way into co-directing.
Your "warm-up" sermons? "Exercising trauma through art" screams cult recruitment.
Betty, dissect these trust issues.
The Farm is producing and I'm co-directing the musical for one simple reason.
To have big fun.
In fact Yeah.
Okay.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
Everyone, hi.
Um, I know that cast parties are usually after opening night, but the Farm will be hosting a little get-together tonight - at the former Sisters of Quiet Mercy - Sweet.
And, um, I know it may seem a little weird or methody, but come in costume.
[ALL WHOOPING.]
[BOY.]
Let's go.
Anything big come over the radio today? Yeah, as a matter of fact, there were a string of pharmacy break-ins and, uh Wasn't sure I was going to tell you this, but, uh, Tent City was ransacked.
Our old trailer was stolen.
Wait, missing pharmaceuticals and a stolen house on wheels? I mean, doesn't that sound like the makings of a mobile drug lab? It's possible, sure.
I mean, Riverdale's filled with a lot of desperate folks.
Maybe the Serpents and I can help you look for it.
What, the trailer? Boy, it was worthless.
Well, not to me.
That was our home for how many years? Too many.
Just popping in to change.
There's a cast party tonight.
Don't wait up.
Uh, Veronica, we have to talk.
Your mother and I are separating.
What? No, you're not.
Very funny.
Um I'll be staying at the Five Seasons indefinitely.
Wait, what is happening? It's already been decided.
We wanted to tell you in person.
No, Daddy Whatever this is, we can figure it out as a family.
Just Can someone please tell me what's going on? Ask your mother.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Mom? He knows, Veronica.
Knows what? The truth.
He knows I sold the drugs out from under him while he was in the hospital.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna take a bath.
[SNIFFLES.]
You have fun with your friends.
[VERONICA.]
Well, given the night I've been having, I, for one, could use a libation, so Salud.
[CHUCKLES.]
- I'll take one.
- That's the spirit.
- [MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [BOYS WHOOPING.]
I wonder what your father Edgar would say about all this, Evelyn.
No need to wonder.
Dad says "Act your age" You heard the boss It's time to rage Blast the bass Turn out the light ain't nobody home tonight Get down, it's all cool Jump right in My heated pool Punch the wall And start a fight Ain't nobody home tonight Ahhh The folks are gone It's time for big fun Big fun We're up till dawn Having some big fun Big fun It's time to overflow That hot tub on the patio It's big fun Big fun It's big fun - Whoo - Veronica, you are looking good tonight.
A hot guy smiled at me Without a trace of mockery Brainiac cleans up all right Veronica is hot tonight This night's all a blur How did I get so popular? Don't get close You might ignite Veronica is hot tonight Dreams are coming true When people laugh But not at you I'm not alone, I'm not afraid I feel like Bono at Live Aid Big fun! Big fun! Big Fun I'm actually having Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! The party's hot, hot, hot It's time for big fun Big fun You need a Jell-O shot We're having big fun Big fun Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang I can't believe she actually came.
I need a refill.
It's time to let everything go.
Follow my lead.
Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang Diggety-dang-a-dang The folks are gone It's time for big fun Big fun We're up till dawn Having some big fun Big fun Our folks got no clue 'Bout half the stuff Their children do Big fun Big fun Big fun Big fun It's big fun Big fun Whoo [BOY.]
All right.
Can I confess something? I was afraid this was never gonna happen again.
Me too.
But maybe you and me are meant to be together.
Maybe we're end game.
Reggie [EVELYN.]
Hungry, Kevin? Here.
It's an organic brownie with farm-grown maple mushrooms baked in.
- Oh! - Try it.
They're transformative.
Enjoy the ride.
With a big gulp of water.
Fountain's in the hall.
So last night was big fun.
But now it's time to dig deep.
So, we're each gonna share something that we've never told anyone before.
Big or small.
So, does no one have a burden that the rest of us can help shoulder? [SIGHS.]
I'm being haunted by Midge's ghost.
I've been thinking about her all the time since rehearsals started and I just I just - feel so guilty.
- I've been seeing her, too.
Not her ghost.
But in nightmares.
[EVELYN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
How beautiful.
[SIGHS.]
Through revealing their truth, these two young men have found an unexpected connection, perhaps more.
So, um, who would like to go next? I've got something.
I know it was just supposed to be a summer fling, - and, uh, she didn't want a relationship.
- [SIGHS.]
But I did.
So it really blew to see Archie and Josie getting cozy last night.
Arch, - are you and Josie dating? - Well, I mean [JOSIE.]
Uh - [REGGIE.]
Did you know about this? - What? No, I had no idea.
[REGGIE.]
The fact that your ex-boo has a new girlfriend has nothing to do with you suddenly being all-in with me? Veronica? Anything to share? I just found out that my parents are separating.
My family's unconventional, to say the least, but I always thought, no matter what, they'd stay together.
And that is what we in the theater call a breakthrough.
So, I guess people know about us now.
Yup.
He's a real class-act, that Sweet Pea.
Josie, is it such a bad thing? Why not make it official? Why not be boyfriend and girlfriend? Archie Okay.
The other day, when you asked how we got together, we were lonely.
It's not exactly a strong bedrock.
[ARCHIE.]
That's what you think we are? Just lonely souls, filling the void? So that's the real reason.
You wanted to get back together because your parents are splitsville.
Why didn't you tell me? I wanted to ignore it.
To feel better.
You make me feel better.
[SIGHS.]
I know how it must seem.
And I would understand if you never wanted to talk to me again.
That's not what I'm saying.
And truly, it sucks about your folks, but I don't think this is something we should be doing right now.
[REGGIE SIGHS.]
What's your damage, Child of the Corn? I just thought you might want to see what's happening in the hall.
Um, did you have a lobotomy for breakfast? You're wearing my signature color.
You don't own the color red.
Red existed before you.
Not at Riverdale High.
Here, I invented red.
I am red.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Sorry, but this school's not big enough for both of us.
faux-Pink Lady.
And I was here first.
So go to Centerville High.
Or Westerberg.
I don't care.
But you have until first bell Monday to clear every trace of yourself out of these halls.
Copy? ["DEAD GIRL WALKING" PLAYING.]
The demon queen Of high school has decreed it She says Monday, 8:00 a.
m.
I'll be deleted They'll hunt me down in study hall Stuff and mount me on the wall Thirty hours to live How shall I spend them? I'll jump right on My motorbike Or Here's an option that I like Spend these 30 hours Getting freaky All hope is gone I'm a dead girl walking I'm on your lawn I'm a dead girl walking Before they punch my clock I'm snapping off Your window lock Got no time to knock I'm a dead girl walking Uh, Toni, Peaches.
What's going on? Shh.
Had to see you Hope I didn't wake you But I intend to hold you Till I break you 'Cause Cheryl says I got to go You're my last meal On death row Shut your mouth And lose them tightie-whities And you know, you know, you know It's cause you're beautiful You say you're numb inside But I can't agree So the world's unfair Keep it locked out there In here it's beautiful Let's make this beautiful [BOTH.]
That works for me.
- Stop.
- [RECORD SCRATCHES.]
Stop.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have brought you guys here.
I can't do this.
[JUGHEAD.]
Sweet Pea and Fangs are on musical detail, but the rest of you have your groups and grids.
Scour the area, find the trailer.
Now, if I'm right, it's being used as a drug lab, and we need to shut it down.
First sight of it, you call me ASAP.
Okay? [SERPENTS AGREEING.]
Do you want to go hunting with me tonight? I wish, but I heard from Well, Eavesdropping Evelyn called a closed rehearsal for select cast members in the Gargoyle Chamber.
Can I borrow your camera? ["OUR LOVE IS GOD' PLAYING.]
[EVELYN.]
They made you cry But that will end tonight We'll burn it down and then We'll build the world again Our love is God [BOTH.]
We can start And finish wars We're what killed The dinosaurs We're the asteroid That's overdue The new world needed room For me and you [CAMERA CLICKING.]
I worship you I'd trade my life for yours They all will disappear We'll plant our garden here Plant our garden here Our love is God May the one become many Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God Our love is God [CONTINUES CLICKING.]
[GRUNTING.]
Hey.
Hey.
You got my text.
You came.
Um I wanted to talk to you.
Wait.
Can I go first? Look, if you don't want to be in a relationship because you're not into me, then that's fine.
But if you do like me Then let's start figuring out what we are, and what we can be to each other.
For real, let's clean the slate and let's fight for this.
Let's fight for us.
["FIGHT FOR ME" PLAYING.]
Hey, Mr.
No-Name Kid So who might you be? And could you fight for me? And, hey Could you face the crowd? Could you be seen with me And still act proud? Hey, could you hold my hand And could I carry you Through no man's land? It's fine If you don't agree But I would fight for you If you would fight for me Well, whoa You can punch real good You've lasted longer Than I thought you would So, hey, Mr.
No-Name Kid If some night you're free Wanna fight for me? If we're still alive I would fight for you If you would fight for me Check that out.
Principal Weatherbee, Heathers is being used to indoctrinate students into a cult.
It looks like these two boys are simply rehearsing.
[BETTY.]
No.
No, no, this is part of a religious ceremony.
A ritual.
The Farm's a fully sanctioned club, Ms.
Cooper.
Approved by me, after I read Edgar's doctrines.
Which, I must say, I found quite fascinating and appealing.
[BETTY.]
Jug, you'll never believe this, but I think Weatherbee is part of the Farm.
[JUGHEAD.]
Yeah, well, I have news, too.
Can you meet me at Junkyard Steve's, ASAP? What is that, drain cleaner? [TONI.]
No.
It's an olive branch.
So you're here to beg for clemency? No.
[SIGHS.]
For us.
What are we doing? What are we even fighting about? Babe, what was love like in your family? It was all or nothing.
Pure adoration or distilled hate.
Thornhill was a den of shadows, and Jay-Jay was my only light.
And he died, and it was dark again.
Until you.
Then it felt like you were disappearing on me.
But I'm not gone.
I'm right here.
And maybe it's not too late for us.
[JUGHEAD.]
Tonsils called it in.
Oh, my God.
This was my childhood home.
My mom destroyed it.
And how the hell did it get here? When did our lives go from worry about who was going to sit net to us on the bus to drug lord mothers? [SCOFFS.]
And serial killer fathers.
And unstoppable cults.
[KEVIN.]
This is the emotional climax of the musical.
"Seventeen" captures the longing all the characters feel for what they've lost, their teen innocence.
[PLAYING "SEVENTEEN".]
What are we gonna do? [JUGHEAD CRYING.]
I've got a crazy idea.
[SIGHS.]
Let's be normal See bad movies Sneak a beer and watch TV We'll bake brownies Or go bowling Don't you want A life with me? Can't we be 17? That's all I want to do If you could let me in I could be good with you People hurt us Or they vanish And you're right That really blows But we let go Take a deep breath And go buy Some summer clothes We'll go camping Play some poker And we'll eat Some chili fries Maybe prom night Maybe dancing Don't stop looking in my eyes Your eyes Can't we be 17? Is that so hard to do? If you could let me in I could be good with you Let us be 17 If we still got the right So, what's it gonna be? I want to be with you [BOTH.]
I want to be with you [ALL.]
Tonight You're the one I choose [1940S MUSIC PLAYING.]
Maybe Maybe we can steal the trailer back while everyone's at the play.
Arch can lend me the keys to his dad's truck, and I can just move it, get it out of my mom's hands.
Is this idea maybe more emotional than practical? Because another thing that you could do is What? You let it go.
[VERONICA.]
Come back home, Daddy.
So what if Mom tried to get rid of your drugs? Do you want to know the real reason why we're getting a divorce? [VERONICA SIGHS.]
I found out that your mother tried to have me killed.
Twice.
I I can't believe that.
Oh, mija, yes, you can.
- [UTENSIL CLATTERS.]
- In fact, I think part of you already knew.
You always say, "Family is the most important thing.
" Family's trust.
You and your mother betrayed me, so there is no family anymore.
Veronica, your solo's up.
I was going to talk about the devastating loneliness your character feels at this particular moment, but it seems like you're already there, so take it away.
["LIFEBOAT" PLAYING.]
I float in a boat In a raging black ocean Low in the water And nowhere to go The tiniest lifeboat With people I know Cold, clammy, and crowded The people smell desperate We'll sink any minute So someone must go The tiniest lifeboat With the people I know Don't worry.
I'm not Parent-Trapping you.
I recognize your irreconcilable differences.
But I do have a request to make.
Come to opening night.
Together.
That's all I ask.
To make one last happy memory.
I'm hugging my knees And the captain is pointing I thought I was captain Still, the weakest must go The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know The tiniest lifeboat Full of people I know - [GLADYS SCOFFS.]
- [SIGHS.]
Well, finally, we gotta motor in ten.
- Whoa, what the hell happened? - Are you okay? Oh, I'm fine.
It's just some scratches.
JB, would you, uh, run and pick me out a clean shirt, please? Did you piss off a cat in heat? Some tweaked-out Fizzle-head was playing G&G in the middle of the damn road.
The candy store is definitely back open.
But I am gonna find whoever is cooking that crap.
Drugs, it's terrible.
What a nightmare.
Dad, if you're okay, I think Betty and I are going to ride ahead.
- We'll just meet you at the play.
- [FP.]
Okay.
Why, what's going on? Just a quick stop.
A little pre-show tradition.
Sign my program later? - [SWEET PEA.]
Hey, Evelyn? - Hey.
Thank you.
Thanks.
- It's ten minutes to places, cast.
- [CAST.]
Thank you.
Ten.
[FANGS EXHALES SHARPLY.]
[JOSIE CHUCKLES.]
And now for my favorite part.
Blot.
[SPEAKS FRENCH.]
This color was made for you.
We have to get you a tube.
[TONI LAUGHS.]
- Where have you been? - Hi, Kev, sorry, we had to make a quick stop.
What is all over your faces? Soot? - [BETTY CHUCKLES.]
- Get to makeup, stat.
- Okay.
- And, Betty, make sure he knows his line and choreography for the finale.
- Okay.
- My line? - Yeah.
- I'm not part of the cast.
No, it's kind of a big statement song now.
Kevin wants everyone in it.
Don't worry, follow my lead.
It's basically just a costume change.
Come on.
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING.]
- ["SEVENTEEN" PLAYING.]
[BETTY.]
Listen up, folks War is over Brand new sheriff's Come to town We are done with acting evil We will lay our weapons down We're all damaged We're all frightened We're all freaks But that's all right [JOSIE.]
We'll endure it We'll survive it Martha, are you free tonight? Jeez Talk about watching your childhood go up in flames.
[EXPLOSION.]
Are you okay? I'm surviving.
Because you're here with me.
I can't promise No more Heathers High school may not ever end Still I miss you I'd be honored, if you'd Let me be your friend [GIRLS.]
My friend We can be 17 We can learn how to chill If no one loves me now Someday somebody will [BOYS VOCALIZING.]
We can be 17 Still time to make things right We want a better world So why not start tonight? [BOYS VOCALIZING.]
Let's go be 17 [BOYS.]
We can be beautiful [GIRLS.]
Take off our shoes And dance [BOYS.]
You know, you know, you know [GIRLS.]
Act like we're all still kids 'Cause this may be Our final chance [BOYS.]
You know, you know, you know [GIRLS.]
Always be 17 [BOYS.]
We can be beautiful [GIRLS.]
Celebrate you and I Maybe we won't grow old [ALL.]
And maybe then We'll never die We'll make it beautiful We'll make it beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful [MAN CLAPPING.]
[PEOPLE CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]
I knew my dad would like it.
[CULT MEMBERS CLAPPING RHYTHMICALLY.]