Scrubs s03e16 Episode Script

Carol, I know you think you look dashing in your navy blue scrubs but I can't deal with the fact that I walk into this place and find you standing there talking at me.
- All I said was good morning.
- Exactly.
And who in God's name wants to hear that every day? Good morning.
In the immortal words of Daffy Duck, I demand that you shoot me now.
If only.
I couldn't help but think two things.
First, I do look great in these navy scrubs.
Come on, who wants a taste? Second, everyone's day begins differently here.
The surgeons, for instance, are a superstitious bunch.
They start their mornings with an oddly homoerotic ass slap.
Dude, too deep.
And then their own good luck rituals.
Where's my lucky Tabasco do-rag? Why don't you use Power Rangers? How are Power Rangers as lucky as Tabasco? Do you remember when the Megazord was destroyed? How did I miss that episode? Oh, that's right, I was making love to a woman.
Power Rangers, ho! All you can hope is that nothing bites you on the ass.
Gaby, all set for your bone marrow transplant? I'm scared.
I wanted to bring my stuffed pink doggie with me but mean nurse says I can't.
Well, I promise you, you'll have it.
Honestly, Mean Nurse, why would you say that? Because she lost her stuffed pink doggie two days ago.
Frick.
Since I've been wearing that do-rag, my surgery record's like 23 and 0.
Are you counting the boil you lanced yesterday? Question: Did he die? Answer: He did not.
I gotta stick with whatever's hot.
Last month was not wearing underwear.
- So why not take off your underwear? - That's what I keep telling him.
- Todd knows about the underwear thing? - No.
The do-rag still has the juice.
Can you imagine what could happen without it? I can't find any obstruction.
Keep looking, it must be there.
I found it.
Powerful tiny fists.
He's back.
Some people say everything comes down to luck.
I need my lucky do-rag.
I believe that the most minor event, even a butterfly flapping its wings, can affect everything.
Hillside landing.
Once that seemingly insignificant event happens What is wrong with you? Baby, I wasn't looking at her lovelies, OK? I was looking at the butterfly that happened to land on them.
Who could blame it? There they are all snuggly and safe and whatnot.
It sets everything else in motion.
Uncomfortable.
- OK, who do I kill? - She did it.
Man, I don't wanna clean this up.
Then you picked the wrong day to be the janitor.
Could you help me find a little girl's pink doggie? I would love to, darling, but I'm a bit busy right now.
And insignificant events can lead to significant events, like me being on time and Dr Cox being late for a change.
Where the hell's Dr Cox? His shift started four minutes ago.
You've got to cover for him.
I have to learn to play the banjo.
- Son, are you listening to me? - Yes, sir.
And buy a banjo.
Hey fellas, what did I miss? And here he is.
Suddenly I'm getting the most intense headache.
Let me see if this relieves the pain.
Better.
Worse.
Better.
Worse.
I could do this all day.
Dr Dorian was on time and you were busy doing that hilarious betterlworse bit, so maybe you should answer to him all day.
Dr Kelso, that's my pen.
- Nice grab.
- Well, I'm a lefty.
My head's going to melt when I say this, but Kelso's idea wasn't half bad.
Letting you run this place would be a great educational experience.
And let's face facts, the training bra has got to come off eventually.
So, it's your show, Debbie.
Is this moment just the way you always pictured it? It's your show, Debbie.
Is this moment just like you always pictured? Stupid home-made dolls.
It's a little bigger.
Turk, I just got off of a 12-hour shift.
I'm starving and need to take a bathroom break, which is why I'm dancing.
And you want me to run home and bring back your lucky do-rag? And could you be back in 20 minutes? Nurse Espinosa, your shift ended nine minutes ago.
Why isn't your time card punched out? - Well, sir, I - Dr Kelso, how is it you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night? How do you know that? I'm the homeboy you screamed at to get my ghetto-mobile off the road.
Turk, I don't need you to fight my battles for me.
It makes me look like I can't defend myself.
You're absolutely right, baby and I apologise.
Remember, do-rag.
Hello? It's Elliot, what are you doing? Nothing disgusting.
I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.
I got a pink doggie for you but it is not little.
Show me your penis and I'll take it away from you.
Cool.
- Yeah, that was Todd.
- Don't worry about the doggie.
I'll be right there.
I've had nausea and stomach pains for a couple of days now.
I don't wanna tell you how to live, but maybe you should avoid sushi from the Gas 'N' Go.
It came free with the fill-up.
Am I supposed to just throw it away? Yes, you are.
Fortunately, though, your vitals are normal, so we'll check back with you in a while.
- It sounds to me like a GI bleed.
- It sounds to me like angina.
If you leave this hospital knowing only one thing, and there's a pretty good chance that just might happen, let that one thing be this, medicine is a collaborative effort.
Your opinion is just as important as mine.
So let's see if you've got the gobstoppers to take the lead.
Be me.
Come on, you can do this.
Navy scrubs, navy scrubs.
Here's the deal, Eleanor, we're gonna get a full work-up on this guy.
So while I drop an NG tube and do a gastric lavage, why don't you get an order on EKG with cardiac biomarkers.
They're on page 37 of the Ann Taylor catalogue right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you want but haven't had the courage to order.
You're worried the weave is so thin your nipples might peak their little pink selves through.
Isn't that right, Dr Cox? I'm sorry, here I was in my own little world, dreaming about candy bracelets.
I don't like candy bracelets.
I love them.
Now grab that elevator.
But not without giving him his patented shoulder bump.
Good day.
How you like me now? Find your pink doggie yet? Nope, but I met Helen, the laundry room lady.
- Does she have blonde hair? - No.
Brown hair? - No hair? It's from the dryers.
- That's the one.
Hey, the janitor's still downstairs.
Why don't we just check in his custodial closet? Hey, you're not welcome here.
- What's up? - Randall? Just got the job, bro.
So that's why he's been back in my dreams.
- Beat it.
- Gotta go.
Did you bring my lucky do-rag? Why don't you wear the puppies do-rag I got you for Lent? The fluffy puppies killed three people.
They banned from the OR.
Well, what do you want me to do, Turk? I forgot.
You never pay attention to the little things that are important to me.
When one thing goes wrong around here, everything seems to go wrong.
- What happened? - Vitals are tanking.
- No pulse in the lower extremities.
- There were no signs of distress.
Come on, we gotta make a decision.
Let's get him a CT angiogram, stat.
Good.
- It's an aortic dissection.
It's bad.
- Tell surgery we're on our way.
In a hospital, it's hard to avoid letting people down.
Whether it's someone you made a promise to - I want my doggie.
- I'm so sorry.
- Let's go, Gandhi, you're on.
- Or someone you love - I gotta go.
- Turk, I'm sorry.
Or even someone you barely knew at all.
In the end, it's the "what ifs" that hurt the most.
Like what if things had gone a little differently? It's just that aortic dissections are a doctor's worst nightmare.
There's about a 90% mortality rate.
Unless your patient was lucky enough to fall into a CAT scan machine, he wasn't gonna have a happy ending.
Newbie, we didn't have a chance on this one.
Me, I don't believe in fate.
We have more control than we think and every action has a reaction.
After all the most minor event, even a butterfly flapping its wings, can change everything.
Sometimes for the better.
Even if it doesn't seem like it.
- Look away.
- I can't.
It's funny how a seemingly insignificant event can set everything else in motion.
Hillside landing.
What is wrong with you? You're looking at that guy's cleavage while Susie Big-Rack is busting out of her niece's tank top.
- How the hell did I miss that? - Damn, you're whipped.
- Orange Goo-goo.
- Ain't nothing here for you, mooch.
All done.
Could you help me look for a pink, stuffed doggie? - I'll meet you upstairs in ten minutes.
- You are the sweetest guy.
I'm blushing.
Could you be half as nice to me as you are to her? You are right.
We need a fresh start? Come on.
Fresh start.
I think we need a longer fresh start.
- How long do you suppose this will be? - Ten minutes.
Ease into it.
Let's mix it up.
Let's saw some wood.
There we go.
Nice.
Very good.
And insignificant events can lead to significant events.
Like me being late because I was in the world's longest handshake.
- What did I miss? - Take a wild guess.
I should get Turk a washboard.
Do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late? No, Bobbo, you got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.
Dr Kelso, that's my pen.
- Nice grab.
- I'm a righty.
You want me to go all the way home and bring back your lucky do-rag? And if you could be back in 20 minutes.
Nurse Espinosa, your shift ended nine minutes ago.
- Why isn't your time card punched out? - Well, sir Punch out on time, or I'll punch you out on time.
I don't mean that violently, I was just trying to turn a phrase.
Turk, why didn't you stand up for me? - You said I was too whipped.
- I need you to be more supportive.
You're absolutely right, baby, and I apologise.
Remember, do-rag.
- Hey, Helen.
- Hey, cutie.
Janitor, thanks for your help.
I know that you're busy.
I could call Carla No.
You mark my words, we will find that little girl's stuffed animal.
You are really taking a personal interest in this.
Mommy, where's my teddy bear? I must have accidentally thrown it out when I was cleaning up.
This never would have happened if your room weren't so filthy.
Never again.
Thanks, Rowdy.
By the way, as soon as we're married, you're out of here.
Basically, I've had nausea and stomach pains for a couple of days now.
You should avoid eating sushi from the Gas 'N' Go.
It came free with the fill-up.
Am I supposed to throw it away? Yes, you are.
Fortunately, though, your vitals are normal.
So we'll check back with you in a little while.
- Sounds to me like a GI bleed.
- Look, Newbie, if you leave this hospital knowing only one thing, and it looks like there's a real chance that might happen, please let this be that one thing.
I'm in charge and don't care about your opinion.
Now go get me a cup of coffee.
Just avoid the shoulder bump, catch the elevator and make a wise-ass remark before the doors close.
Hey, Dr Cox, if you're so smart, maybe you should just go ahead and be You're the kinda Dammit! I don't know what happened.
I'm usually quick and funny.
So I had this guy with vomiting and abdominal pain.
Two hours and one CT later, I tell him he's got ischemic bowel.
Have you ever noticed words that rhyme with "bowel" are always bad? Like scowl, growl Movies with Andie MacDowell.
- You're right JD, you are funny.
- Stop! Ischemic bowel.
That's it.
Hey get out of here.
It's all right, Butchie, she's with me.
- Where's that lost and found box? - Over here, bro! Why does it say "free stuff'? I have no idea.
Hey, is that what you're looking for? Awesome.
What time is it? Dibs.
Dibs.
- Butchie.
- Dude.
Get back to work.
- You found it.
- Of course I did.
That's what I love about you.
You pick up on the things that are important to me.
It's my job.
When one thing goes right around here, everything seems to go right.
I know my opinion doesn't mean anything and I'm apparently useless which deep down you know isn't true because Shoot, I forgot your coffee.
I was thinking, we should get a CT scan on Mr Strauss because he might have bowel ischemia.
What the hell, it can't hurt.
All right.
- He doesn't look ischemic.
- No, but that there is the start of an aortic dissection and dammit, we caught it early.
- Is that good? - That's very good.
Laverne, call the OR and have it prepped.
In a hospital it's great when you come through for someone.
- Thanks.
- I'll see you when you wake up.
Will you be joining us, Gandhi? Good luck.
I already got it.
Clamp.
Of course, it still doesn't always work out the way you'd hoped.
Rachel, clean up.
You learn to treasure the times when things go your way.
I'm so glad you're OK.
And be there for the ones you love when they don't.
And you learn to accept that some things are out of your hands.
Didn't matter when we caught it, Newbie.
It was just his time.
Yeah.
Still, with so much of life left up to chance, you can't help but look back and wonder, what if things had been different?