Sex and the City s03e16 Episode Script

In a city where cynicism is as prevalent as pashmina, there is nothing more hopeful than getting ready for the first date.
Will O'Connor was a cute urban planner Miranda had met at Starbucks.
He mistook her latte for his double-caff and offered to make it up to her by buying her a drink that Saturday.
Samantha preferred the saying good night to the first date routine.
His name was Sebastian Wise.
For Sam, it was a very good night.
Meanwhile, Trey and Charlotte were practicing their new routine.
- All righty.
Schooner's sails are up.
- Yes, I can feel it.
All righty, I'm bringing it into the harbor.
Bring it in.
All right.
Here I come.
Here I come.
Honey? The wind died.
I'm sorry.
After a week of the same routine, the only thing getting up in their bed was Charlotte's libido.
As for me, my routine had become very routine.
I was spending almost every night working.
My date is three hours late.
I'm being stood up, right? - Maybe he got lost.
- Carrie.
Doesn't look good.
And I'm wearing a new dress.
And I'm eating out of plastic.
I'm sorry.
The least he could do is get to know me before he rejects me.
Yeah, that's illegal dumping.
It's crazy.
This hasn't happened to me since I'm 27.
I should know better.
I thought I'd got smarter about picking them now.
I can't believe guys still stand girls up.
I can't believe I'm eating a frozen dinner.
I'm such a cliche.
Do you wanna grab a drink? I can't.
I have to work.
I agreed to teach these stupid Learning Annex classes.
They're calling it "Bright Lights Date City".
- I'm so embarrassed for you.
- They're paying 300 bucks a pop.
It's a seminar on where to meet men.
Apparently, I'm an expert.
- Tell them to steer clear of Starbucks.
- Who would pay for this? Now? Maybe me.
OK, gotta go.
This dress is making a mockery of me.
- I'm sorry, sweetie.
Bye.
- Please.
Bye.
Stood up at 27, Miranda had done nothing.
At 34, she decided she wasn't going to take this stand-up lying down.
Will gave her the cold shoulder and his home number.
- Hello? - Hi.
Is Will there? - Who's speaking, please? - Miranda Hobbes.
Miranda, this is Will's mother.
Well, Will's mother.
I don't know howyou raised your son, but he just stood me up for a date.
Will died today.
- They're starting to die on us.
- Oh, my God.
- At least you weren't stood up.
- 35 and they're dying.
- We should give up now.
- It explains why they don't call back.
- How did he - Heart attack at the gym.
- This is why I don't work out.
- Do you wanna hear the worst part? I felt so bad, I told his mother I would go to the wake.
- You don't even know him.
- And she never will.
I'm far from being dead.
I got us reservations at Samba next week.
- Fancy.
- I could only get us a four-top.
Do you think Trey would mind staying home? No.
He doesn't seem up for much these days.
Charlotte, is everything OK? We've been trying to Fuck? Whatever.
It's just not - Getting big and hard? - Is this dirty mad libs? I love him, and he's trying, but this is so frustrating.
- Of course it is.
- Last night I got so turned on, l You almost masturbated, he almost got it up - you almost had sex.
- Next to him! I feel so ashamed.
- Everybody masturbates.
- I did it this morning.
- That's why I got your voicemail.
He masturbates and reads porn.
When it comes to me, nothing.
- Madonna/whore.
- You think? Trey sees you as his virginal wife, not as sexual plaything.
You're not going to get anywhere until you change how he sees you.
- I don't know if I can do that.
- Yes, you can.
You're sexy.
He should see you.
You're something to see.
I soon realized how many desperate New York women there were.
I'm flattered that so many of you showed up to hear me talk.
The fact is, I have had a lot of experience with men.
Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it very ugly.
There are two million single men in this city.
I have dated about a million of them.
All these men are right outside your door.
Next time you step out with your shoes and traveling cappuccino, take a look around.
Our metropolis is stacked with men.
You never knowwho you'll run into.
You can turn a corner, and boom - bright lights, date city.
Could you be more specific? Do you mean places to meet men? Sure.
Let's see.
Samba.
Any sporting Sports bars - Mickey Mantle's.
I've gone there.
All the men were married.
Really? Let's see.
I once met this fellow on the Hampton Jitney.
It turned out he couldn't drive, and he was on a parole program.
That's a bad example.
Suddenly, I felt like the bad example.
Yes, you.
- Are you married? - No.
Yes, you there.
- Have you ever been married? - No, not that I'm aware of.
Yes, you in the back.
How old are you? I'm really not an expert on men.
I just write about this stuff.
Then why are we paying to hear you talk about it? Be quiet.
She's older than us.
We can learn something.
The only thing I learned that night was that I should have stayed home.
- Can I smoke in here? - No.
If you stay single long enough, you should get wiser about dating.
Which men, where to meet them But what made us experts? Wasn't our single status a neon sign that we couldn't get it right? What if all these years in New York have only made us older, more confused or dead? Are we getting wiser or just older? If they'd been holding tomatoes not Louis Vuitton bags, I'd be dead.
- Or at least gazpacho.
- Do you know there are no free men? We're at my date's wake, so yes.
- They were so hostile.
- Fuck 'em.
What do I know about men.
All I have is a bunch of failed relationships.
- And one affair.
- Thanks.
As if being dead-person adjacent isn't bad enough.
I'm supposed to teach another class.
What am I going to do? Hire a bodyguard.
This is my first wake.
Don't expect a goodie bag.
Oh, my God, open casket.
I've never seen a dead body before.
- Let's get out of here.
- We can't.
People are looking at us.
He's cute.
Was.
Damn.
This would have helped me.
A place to meet men - an after wake party.
- He had money set aside for this.
- It's nice.
- "I'm dead.
Enjoy the buffet.
" - I like him even more now.
- He was so organized he had a will.
- And attractive friends.
- This place is full of men.
- Look howfreaked out they look.
They know any minute they're out of here.
Carrie? It's me, Jim.
Oh, my God.
Jim.
- Your hair.
- I cut it for a real job.
I'm an engineer.
- On the railroad? - Civil.
- What happened to the band? - Turns out I wasn't talented.
Miranda, sorry, this is Jim.
- We dated a grillion years ago.
- Or eight.
Miranda.
Nice to meet you.
I'd ask if you're having fun, but that seems inappropriate.
It is, and we are.
Thanks.
- You were friends with Will? - May he rest.
Roommates in college.
We were friends, but competitive.
We were always fighting it out for everything.
He even died first, just to beat me to the punch.
- Bad.
- But you laughed.
- You were the classic frenemies.
- Frenemies.
Nice word.
- I'm a writer.
- I know.
- I'm a lawyer.
- And I'm not drunk enough.
- Can I get you anything? - Martini.
- No.
- Don't go anywhere.
I'll be back.
He's kind of cute.
- He's kind of an asshole.
- Really? - Yes, indeedy.
- He seems great.
That's what I thought when I dated him.
When it wasn't working, and I broke up with him, "Hello, asshole.
" Snide comments, rumor spreading, the works.
But he's so cute.
- lncoming.
- Outgoing.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
I would love to chat inappropriately, but I'm due to give a toast.
So this is a working wake for you.
I'd love to get together with you sometime.
Here's my card.
My e-mail address is on the back, and my cell.
Will's death had turned Miranda into my target audience - a desperate woman.
Downtown, Samantha was getting wise, Sebastian Wise, again.
While, uptown, Charlotte was getting nothing at all.
- We almost broke the bed.
- You can't break a bed.
- What does this stallion do? - I'm not sure.
- Does he go to Mickey Mantle's? - You got me.
How can you not know? You slept with him.
I fucked him.
He made me come six times.
It's good enough for me.
Stop it.
Why do you always talk about sex like that? Because I can.
Simmer down, mommy hasn't had her caffeine yet.
I can't take this any more.
Frittata.
Sex is something special between two people who love each other.
- Or two people who love sex.
- You're such a A what? What am l? You can't just sleep with everything that comes along.
Hey, Mrs.
Softie, at least I'm getting laid.
You can forget Samba.
She needs the stick out of her ass and a dick in her coochie pronto.
- Not getting involved.
- I'm with her.
You knowwhat? I don't need this.
Maybe you should forget Samba too.
- We knewthis was coming.
- It's so sad and petty.
- I'm staying way out of this one.
- Way out.
New Jersey out.
Speaking of petty, how upset would you be if I went out with Jim? - Jim, Old Boyfriend Jim? - He called me.
Miranda, no.
He needs to be voted off the island.
I know how you feel, but he was so sweet on the phone.
It was eight years ago.
Maybe he's learned something.
- Haven't you learned anything? - Apparently not.
He's alive and he asked me out.
I'm fragile right now.
Fine, go.
One woman's asshole is another woman's A-hole.
As long as you're OK with it.
Later that week, Charlotte decided for Trey to see the sexual part of her, she'd have to dress the part.
I'm going to get him to notice me.
I have to.
That's a bottom.
If you're going to go the lingerie route, why not go a little more upscale and less flammable? I don't wanna be me.
I wanna be someone else.
- That equals a healthy relationship.
- What do these say? Read my lips.
I want to be call girl meets Park Avenue.
Then you have to pair that with a cardigan.
This is important to me.
I need him to see me sexually.
I knowyou do.
I'm just not sure I need to.
This is much more a Samantha job.
Please.
I need a break from her.
You shouldn't be so hard on her.
She doesn't mean to be hurtful.
She was.
There were two of you ruining my breakfast.
I have enough problems right now.
I don't need any lectures.
It was my second lecture that week that was a failure.
Across town, Samantha decided the wise thing to do was to take a break from all of us and go shopping.
- I'm sorry.
- Let it go, no one gets hurt.
- I was holding it first.
- I know Tae Kwon Do.
I knowthe manager.
You're spunky.
I like spunky women.
- We're a dying breed.
- No kiddin'.
I'm Claire Anne.
Don't let the southern accent fool you.
I'm Samantha.
Nothing fools me.
I'll let you have this scarf if you show me where a girl can get a hard drink in a dark bar around here.
Done and done.
My last date died.
The fact that you're still breathing makes this a success.
Low standards.
I like that.
- This was really nice.
- Yeah, it was.
Carrie wasn't sure that we would get along.
She knew me a long time ago.
I've changed.
Back then, I was in a band called Uncle Ted's Ass.
- And I could sit on my hair.
- That's impressive.
You didn't hear us play.
- I'd like to see you again.
- I'd like that.
- Night.
- Night.
The next morning, Miranda called with the post mortem on her date with Jim.
- Hello? - It's me.
I thought it was the Learning Annex bugging me about my class.
- When's that? - 12th of Never Gonna Happen.
People asked for refunds after my first class.
- What do they know? - More than I do.
I feel like a total sham.
Easy.
That's my friend you're talking about.
- I went out with Jim.
- Don't make me say, "l told you so.
" It was great.
He was fun and romantic.
We talked till the restaurant closed.
You're wrong about him.
- 'This could be good.
' - Are we talking about Asshole Jim? - He's not an asshole.
- Not till you break up with him.
- He says great things about you.
- He does? - I'm going out with him on Friday.
- Go, God's speed.
I feel weird dating a guy that you don't like.
We should all go out have a drink sometime.
One drink.
What do you know about this guy? You've been on one date.
What do you know? It's been eight years.
Think about the drink.
Charlotte decided this would be a good time to spend with old friends, the sisters of Kappa Kappa Gamma.
Oh, my goodness.
Has it been forever or what? - It has.
- Charlotte, we've really missed you.
And I have missed you.
You have no idea.
Congratulations on your wedding.
Welcome to the married old girls club.
He is so handsome.
I would like to trade my husband in for him, please.
They would understand her.
After all, they were married too.
I remember being a newly-wed.
We hardly ever got out of bed.
- Sydney.
- What? It's just us girls.
My husband can't get it up.
It would have been wiser to have a cappuccino instead of a third drink.
- I'm so frustrated.
- Charlotte? Don't you ever just want to be pounded hard? Like when the bed is moving all around, and it's all sweaty, your head is knocking the headboard and you feel it might blow off? Dammit, I just really want to be fucked.
Just really fucked.
The only heads blowing off were those of Kappa Kappa Grandma.
- This is really inappropriate.
- Yeah, we're eating.
- What's wrong with you? You're a - What? What am l? Charlotte realized how much they'd all changed since college.
Her friends had become frenemies.
And to them, she had become Samantha.
- Here's to newfriends.
- And gorgeous New York men.
Would you like to join me at Samba on Friday night? Two hot broads at a hot restaurant.
I love it.
The reservation is for four.
Done and done.
Samantha couldn't believe how much fun she was having.
She had found a woman who was as open about her sexuality as her.
I call the blondes.
You are too cute.
I could just eat you up.
Yes, I could.
I'm gonna eat you up.
Claire Anne? - Oh, my God.
- Excellent.
I'm going.
Wait I'll come with you.
- You can forget Samba.
- Where are you going? Samantha learned she had a little Charlotte in her.
She had a line that could be crossed.
Hers was just more to the left.
The next night, I agreed to meet Jim and Miranda for drinks.
Jim took me to a poetry reading last night.
The unpublished works of Robert Lowell.
- He wrote his thesis on Lowell.
- I didn't knowthat.
There's a lot you never knew.
Another Chardonnay for the lady.
Thank you.
I lost track of you, but I always read your column.
- It's really good.
- Thank you.
Maybe I'd been wrong.
Jim seemed kind, funny, attentive.
- There's a lot of sex in there.
- It creeps in.
You didn't knowtoo much about sex when we were dating.
And still an asshole.
- Good to see you.
- Don't leave.
I was joking.
Stay.
I have really bad timing.
- Did you ever hear his band play? - No.
- She was busy shopping for shoes.
- I do like my shoes.
They come in handy when you're walking all over people.
- Come on.
- I'm reliving happy memories.
- Carrie doesn't walk all over people.
- She did with me.
Maybe that's because you're an asshole.
She's the asshole.
She never called me once after we broke up.
- That's because you're an asshole.
- She's the asshole.
- She's not.
- Thank you.
You knowwhat? Never call me again.
- Are you breaking up with me? - Yeah.
The fancy lawyer lady is breaking up with me, like I give a shit.
Jim hadn't gotten older or wiser.
Once dumped, he'd still dumped on everyone.
You are such assholes.
- OK, say it.
- I told you so.
- What an asshole.
- I told you so.
Is it bad that it makes me feel good to say that? No.
I can't believe I fell for that asshole.
Your date died.
You panicked.
You know me too well.
There are plenty of other assholes out there.
- You think? - I know.
And I'm an expert.
You're such an asshole.
Meanwhile, uptown, the Samantha in Charlotte was ready to come out.
What in God's name are you wearing? It's supposed to be sexy.
Come on, you're my wife.
That's not you.
Take it off.
Fine.
Look at me.
This is me.
I'm not a madonna, and I'm not a whore.
I'm your wife.
I'm sexual and I love you.
What are you doing? I'm touching myself.
I can I can see that.
Good.
Trey? I think we have a stiff breeze.
That night, Trey successfully screwed his wife for a full minute and a half before the wind died.
After Charlotte's night of love, she called the one person she knew who would appreciate it the most.
Hello? He fucked me.
Honey, that's great.
I knew you could do it.
- Thanks.
- Don't forget Samba Friday night.
I'll be there.
Did you come? Having spent time with their frenemies, they forgot they were enemies and went back to being friends.
I realized I had become my own worst frenemy.
I had let 300 desperate women and one asshole convince me that I didn't know anything.
I did.
I was older and wiser.
I decided to keep my second date with the Learning Annex.
Unfortunately, my reputation had preceded me.
Is this it? I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
You've paid good money to find out how to meet men.
I don't know a lot about it, but you're not going to meet them in a Learning Annex class.
So, grab your bags.
Come on, we're not getting any younger.
That's right.
Just trying to give you your money's worth.
I took them to a bar, took my $300 and bought them drinks.
Anne, the guy over there is checking you out.
Twelve o'clock.
Not everybody, just Anne.
- Go and ask him for a light.
- I'm already lit.
Go.
- Hi, got a light? - Sure.
Oh, yeah.
See? OK, one down, five to go.
- What about him? - It's cool with me.
It's fine.
Excuse me? Hi, have you met Liz? She works in TV.
- I love TV.
- Something in common.
That night, I made three matches.
I didn't look for myself.
I try not to date while at work.
The old and wise adage is true - those who can't do, teach.
Those who can't teach, do.
Here's a live one.
Go, get him, tiger.
Go.
Run like the wind.