Star Trek: Deep Space Nine s03e16 Episode Script

- Am l doing it right?|- You don't have to be quite so gentle.
- Tell me again.
|- Tell you about what? - About the stem bolts.
|- l have 1 00 gross of self-sealing stem bolts sitting in cargo bay 1 1 .
- And they're all mine?|- For only 1 0 bars of latinum.
Quark, you don't know|what this means to me.
- Or to me!|- Those bolts could triple production of my family's reverse-ratcheting|routing planners.
Glad to be of help.
Quark, l can't wait any longer.
Why don't you and l go down|to cargo bay 1 1 andsign the contract? No rush.
Your family's ship|won't be here for a week.
We'll have plenty of time to finalise|the deal before then.
That's an unusual attitude|for a Ferengi.
l'm a very unusual Ferengi.
That must be the Saurian brandy|l ordered.
Enter.
Rom, where's my brandy? Forget the brandy.
|You must leave immediately.
That goes for the female as well.
- ls something wrong?|- Nothing.
Have you lost your mind? She's willing, she's wealthy,|and she wants to buy our stem bolts.
lt must wait.
|Something important has come up.
Right now,|nothing is more important than this.
- Grand Nagus Zek.
|- As big as life.
Go.
Go! What does Zek want with me? Looks like he's moving in with you,|brother.
- Sisko to Bashir.
|- This is Bashir.
Report to the wardroom immediately.
On my way.
- What's this?|- Champagne.
- Congratulations, Doctor.
|- Thank you.
What's going on? The Medical Council's nominees for this year's Carrington Award are Dr April Wade|of the University of Nairobi, Healer Senva|of the Vulcan Medical lnstitute, Dr Henri Roget|of the Central Hospital of Altair lV, Chirurgeon Ghee P'Trell of Andoria, and Dr Julian Bashir, Chief Medical Officer|of Starbase Deep Space 9.
Good luck.
lt's a mistake.
My name|wasn't even up for consideration.
lt was.
l submitted it|through a friend of Curzon's.
You deserve it.
|Your work on replication was both audacious|and groundbreaking.
According to Dax anyway.
She's the only one who understands it.
So how does it feel to be|the youngest nominee in the history of the Carrington award? lt feelsgood.
Excuse me l've got to finish some work.
What exactly is it|you want me to say? That you're thrilled beyond belief|to be nominated for the Federation's|most prestigious medical award.
- Believe me, l am honoured.
|- You're not acting like it.
l don't want everyone to make|a big deal out of it.
lt is a big deal.
|We're all proud of you.
l'm glad, but don't agonise|over the board's decision, - l assure you l'm not going to win.
|- You don't know that.
- Your work deserves to be recognised.
|- This isn't about my work.
What's the life expectancy|of a Carrington Award winner? Five years.
Ten at the very best.
|And why? Because it's awarded as an|achievement for a lifetime in medicine.
April Wade is 1 06.
Her nomination three|years ago was said to be premature.
- You're exaggerating.
|- Maybe a little.
But in truth, l'm too young to be|a serious contender for the Carrington.
Now, nominate me in 70 years,|and l promise that l'll get very excited.
But until then,|l won't give it much thought.
- That's a very mature attitude.
|- You sound surprised.
- Astonished, but impressed.
|- Then we don't have to dwell on this? - l won't mention it again.
|- l appreciate that.
Who's going to win,|Wade or P'Trell? A cup of millipede juice|hold the shells.
Rom? Rom! Rom! Did you call me? ls it too much trouble to put|these empty bottles in the replicator? - Cleaning my quarters is Nog's job.
|- Nog is visiting his grandmother.
Then cleaning can wait|until he gets back.
No.
Until the Nagus gives me back|my own quarters, this is my home too.
And l've had enough of this mess.
- Clean it up now!|- l won't.
Yes, you will.
lt's bad enough putting up with your|constant teeth grinding every night, and your|incessant ear-picking.
But l will not tolerate living|like some Pakled refuge merchant Wait a minute.
This is a bottle of Aldebaran whiskey.
Let me, brother.
l recognise this label.
|This is from my private stock.
- No, it's not.
|- lt most certainly is.
Wait a minute.
|What's that over there? Trixian bubble juice? Nog's favourite.
This came|from my stockroom, didn't it? Are you accusing my son|of being a thief? No l'm accusing you of being a thief.
These table linens.
|This chair.
That table.
Everything in here comes|from my bar.
- Not everything.
|- Once you've cleaned up, l'm going to conduct|a complete inventory and find out exactly|what you've stolen from me.
- Now get to work.
|- No! l refuse.
l work for you all day,|but here, l'm the boss.
lf you want|this place cleaned up, do it yourself.
What l want is my own quarters back.
That makes two of us.
Living with you|was bad enough as children.
What do l do? - You think.
|- What do you mean, l think? You stay up late|plotting and scheming.
And when you think,|you mumble.
lf there's anything l can't stand,|it's listening to you mumble.
That does it.
l've been accommodating|long enough.
lf the Nagus|wants to stay on the station, he must find|someplace else to live.
ls this a good idea? lf the Nagus|is working something important, disturbing him might get him angry.
l'm not going to disturb him.
- You are.
|- Me? Why not you? Zek likes me.
So l cannot|afford to get on his bad side.
On the other hand, he barely|acknowledges your existence.
So you have nothing to lose.
Now, get in there|and tell the Nagus he'll have to leave.
And whatever happens,|don't let Maihar'du intimidate you.
- Where are you going?|- Don't worry.
lf you need me, l'll be close by.
Rom! What can l do for you my boy? Grand Nagus,|forgive me for disturbing you.
Who's disturbed? l've been hoping|someone would drop by.
- Now, come right in.
|- Thank you.
We'd be delighted.
Quark.
l knew you'd be lurking around|here somewhere.
What are we standing out here for? l've got something very exciting|to show you both.
Where's my furniture? l got rid of it.
|lt was getting in the way of my work.
And what work was that,|Grand Nagus? lf l may be so bold? l'm glad you asked.
Maihar'du the book.
You're about to read the shining|triumph of my life.
The one thing|l'll always be remembered for.
- May l?|- By all means.
''The Rules of Acquisition,|Revised for the Modern Ferengi.
'' You rewrote the Rules of Acquisition? l hope you like them.
Absorb enjoy Rom, do you know what this means? Yes.
lt means we're going to have to|memorise a whole new set of Rules.
No, you idiot.
lt means we'll be the first Ferengi|to benefit from Zek's wisdom.
The knowledge contained|in this book could make us both rich|beyond our wildest dreams.
l'll be able to go into business|for myself.
Turn the page, turn the page.
- The first Rule of Acquisition is|- Go on.
- lf they want their money back|- Yes, yes.
- give it to them.
|- lf they want their money back give it to them? Rule number 21 : ''Never place|profit before friendship.
'' Rule number 22 :|''Latinum tarnishes, but family is forever.
'' Rule 23: ''Money can never replace dignity.
'' Skip to the end.
What is it? - You're not going to like it.
|- l can take it.
Tell me.
Rule number 285: ''A good deed is its own reward.
'' Brother, are you all right? ljust have to sit down.
- No Take it away.
|- Sorry.
Got to think.
Got to think.
There has to be an explanation,|a reason for why he's doing this.
- Maybe we should ask him.
|- No! Don't you see? He's testing us.
Yes.
That must be it.
lt's some kind of test.
The bookthe book.
- You want to hear more?|- No, but there must be a code.
Read me the first word of every Rule.
lfneverkeep profita goodsmile honesty.
lf never keep profit|a good smile honesty.
- What does it mean, Brother?|- lt means absolutely nothing.
Maybe if we hold the pages|up to the light.
No, no.
No, that is not it.
The answer|must be right in front of us.
l know.
- Maybe the Nagus has gone insane.
|- Nonsense.
He's the most brilliant Ferengi alive.
|l've modelled my life after him.
Don't ever let me hear you speak|that way about him again.
What if he really believes this? How could he believe this insanity?|No.
lt has to be part of some|brilliant, twisted, devious plan.
The Nagus isn't like you and me,|Rom.
He thinks ten, sometimes twenty,|steps ahead.
These Rules are probably|the key component in some vast plot to seize financial control|of the entire quadrant.
So what do we do? The only thing we can do.
We put down this book and we walk away.
When the Nagus feels ready,|he'll inform us of his plans.
But until then, we have to act|as if we know nothing.
l can do that.
''lf never keep profit|a good smile honesty.
'' - Nah.
|- Quark, my boy! What say we buy everyone a drink?|Put it on my tab.
- But why?|- Because it will make everyone happy.
And that will make me happy.
lt must be part of his plan -|wheels within wheels.
Drinks for everyone.
|Compliments of the Grand Nagus.
ls there anything else|l can get you, Nagus? We just got in a shipment of quality|Hupyrian beetle snuff.
l've lost my taste for beetle snuff.
lt might be fun for you and me, but it's no fun for the beetles.
By the way, Quark, l just met the|most lovely young female.
She came by your quarters,|looking for you.
- Was her name Emi?|- She wanted me to tell you that her family's ship has arrived|with the latinum.
lt's about time.
We're finally going|to get rid of those stem bolts.
- l don't think so.
|- But we have a contract.
Which was never signed.
And frankly, you were charging an|outrageous price for those stem bolts.
She didn't seem to think so.
- She did once l explained it.
|- You what? l couldn't let you take advantage of|an innocent young female like that.
So l told her where she could get all the|stem bolts she needed at wholesale.
Wholesale? He told her where to get them|at wholesale.
What am l going to do with|a hundred gross of stem bolts? - My poor brother.
|- Don't worry about him.
Eventually,|he'll sell those stem bolts at a fair price.
A fair price? l'm very confused.
That's understandable.
lt will take some time|to get used to the new ways.
- New ways?|- Walk with me, Rom.
Your turn.
l don't know about this.
Would you rather play racquetball? Since Keiko's been on Bajor, we've played 1 06 games of racquetball.
So throw a dart.
- l'm a bit rusty.
|- So am l.
l guess the smart money|is on Wade or P'Trell.
That seems to be|the general consensus.
l mean, Dr Wade is very popular.
But P'Trell is doing some amazing|work in gerontological research.
Which one do you think will win? Either of them would be a worthy|recipient of the Carrington.
Of course, if l had my druthers,|the award would go to you.
Thank you.
But let's face it.
You don't stand a chance.
You don't say.
l mean, l know you are talented but l bet there're doctors all over|the Federation saying, ''Julian Bashir? Who the hell is he?'' Chief, you are absolutely right.
l'm glad you agree.
So how much longer is Keiko going|to be on Bajor? Make sure the relief shipment|is sent by high warp courier, and don't worry about the cost.
Rom, what's all this? You're looking at the sector|headquarters for the Ferengi Benevolent Association.
Brother, l don't have time|to talk to you, l have work to do.
l'm the new senior administrator|of the Ferengi Benevolent Association.
l never realised|how many people there are - who could use a little help.
|- lf you don't get down to the bar now, you're the one|going to need a little help.
- The Nagus said you'd react like this.
|- He's a smart man.
He has plans,|and l'm going to be a part of them.
What could the Nagus|possibly want with you? He says l'm malleable.
And he's going to mould me|into a new kind of Ferengi.
- An evolved Ferengi.
|- Evolved into what? l'm not sure, exactly.
The Nagus says that the answers|lie in his new Rules of Acquisition.
He told me, ''Rom, it's time|for the Ferengi to move beyond greed.
'' Beyond greed?|There's nothing beyond greed.
Greed is the purest,|most noble of emotions.
''Greed is dead.
''|That's the tenth Rule of Acquisition.
No it's not.
|The tenth Rule of Acquisition - is ''Greed is eternal''.
|- Not anymore.
The Nagus is going to shake|the very foundation of Ferengi society, and we're going to be at his side|every step of the way.
What do you mean, ''we''? The Nagus has made you co-chairman|of the Benevolent Association.
Your name will figure prominently|on all our correspondence.
He never mentioned that to me.
The Nagus wouldn't dream|of excluding you.
As soon as we get the Benevolent|Association established here, the Nagus plans on returning|to the homeworld.
And we'll go with him.
Think of it.
You and l will be there when Zek personally announces|the ''New Rules of Acquisition'' on the Grand Steps|of the Sacred Marketplace.
We'll be there all right.
And we'll|probably be right alongside him when they throw him from the spire|of the Tower of Commerce.
The Tower of Commerce? But that's the tallest building|in the Ferengi Alliance.
A fall from that height|couldcould Exactly.
Don't you see, Rom.
There is something|terribly wrong with the Nagus.
And we have to help him before he gets us all killed.
That tickles.
l must say, for a Ferengi of your age|you're in excellent health.
Aside from some damage|to your mucous membranes.
- You should stop using beetle snuff.
|- As a matter of fact, l already have.
- l'm glad to hear it.
|- Will you go in for exploratory surgery? Why would l do that? - To find out what's wrong with him.
|- There is nothing.
There's something deeply wrong.
|Find out what it is.
l've done every test l can think of.
There's no trauma,|brain damage, mental illness.
His central nervous system is|working within normal parameters, and his endocrine|system is in terrific shape.
You see, l told you.
They are like a couple of nervous|investors - always looking for trouble.
Oh, well.
|l suppose l should be flattered.
Thank you, Doctor.
|You've been very helpful.
No.
Uh-uh.
He's sick, l tell you.
- You have to perform more tests.
|- Get out of here or l'll perform more tests on you.
- You have to do something.
|- Like what? Put him in stasis until you can figure out|what is wrong with him.
l don't think that's necessary.
You're supposed to be|one of the five best doctors? lf you ask me, you're a quack.
No wonder everyone says you don't|have a chance to win the Carrington.
Let's go.
Maybe we can make an|appointment for you to see Dr Wade.
Good luck.
lf l remember correctly, Nairobi is beautiful this time of year.
Here, Doctor.
For your trouble.
- l can't accept that.
|- Why not? lt's only money.
Donate it to charity if you'd like.
And you say he's not sick.
Doctor, l do hope you'll|attend tomorrow night's ceremony.
- Ceremony?|- At the Bajoran shrine.
l intend to give a gift|to the Bajoran people.
- A gift.
What kind of gift?|- lt's a surprise.
You'll find out|tomorrow night like everyone else.
We have a lot of work|to do before then.
So many needy people, so little time.
Aren't you done yet? Breaking into the Nagus's|personal shuttle seems wrong.
l have to know what he intends|to give to the Bajorans.
But the Nagus wants it to be a surprise.
l hate surprises.
|Hurry it up before some Maihar'du As you can see, my brother and l were repairing|the door locks on the Nagus's This is the gift? What is it? lt's one of the missing|Bajoran Orbs, Rom.
An Orb of the Prophets.
l tell you,|this Orb explains everything.
Zek's behaviour, the new Rules, the Ferengi Benevolent Association|everything.
lt does? How? l'm not sure.
|But l'm going to find out.
Don't just stand there.
|Talk to me.
l know how you feel.
What are you doing? l thought we should look inside We don't know|for certain if there's an orb in here.
- Maybe Zek's just giving them the box.
|- Don't be ridiculous.
- But how will we know unless we look?|- lt's too dangerous.
- But brother|- l said leave it alone.
Rom? Maihar'du? Morn? Anybody? What's the matter, Quark?|Spinning out of control, are we? Grand Nagus? Maybe.
Maybe not.
Looking for answers? You couldn't find them|if they were dangling from your lobes.
Where's that old Quark cleverness|l've heard so much about? Or are you so paralysed with fear that you can't think straight? Answer me, Quark.
|What are you so nervous about? Don't you think change|is worth dying for? All l want is a little leap of faith.
Nice catch.
That's the wonderful thing|about mysteries.
Sometimes the answers|just fall from the sky.
What do you have to lose?|Open it.
Consider it a gift.
Yes! Yes! - Are you all right?|- A gift.
Zek said the New Rules were a gift.
A gift from Zek to the Ferengi people.
No.
A gift to Zek from them.
They put the idea|for the New Rules in Zek's head.
- They changed him somehow.
|- They did? How dare they? Who are we talking about, brother? The Prophets.
The aliens that live|inside the wormhole.
They did this to him, didn't they?|Tell me everything.
Easy, brother.
You know Hupyrian servants take|a vow only to speak to their masters.
You're right.
Give him a handkerchief|or something.
l'm going to try|to break into Zek's personal logs.
According to Zek's logs, he obtained the Orb from|one of his contacts on Cardassia lll.
From there, he|headed straight for the wormhole.
His ship's log shows that he entered|the wormhole, stayed inside for only|a few minutes, then reversed course and came here.
You think he went in there to talk|to the Prophets? ln his personal logs, Zek said that the future was looking very bright indeed.
Don't you get it? According to Dax, the wormhole aliens|can see through time.
The Nagus must have thought he could|convince them to let him see the future.
That way he could anticipate economic|changes throughout the galaxy.
The opportunity for profit|would have been enormous.
But instead he created the New Rules|of Acquisition.
Why? Something must've gone terribly wrong.
But l intend to set it right.
- How, brother?|- l have an idea.
- Does it involve me?|- Not really.
l like it.
- May l join you, Doctor?|- By all means.
And what can l do for you? lt's what l can do for you.
l have a friend at Starfleet lntelligence.
And she has a friend|who has a cousin who's married to the assistant of one of the members of the Federation Medical Council.
- Really?|- And according to my friend, her friend|heard something from his cousin that his wife heard|from the council member that l thought you might find|interesting.
Which is? Dr Wade|is not going to win the Carrington.
Not you too.
Doctor, l thought you'd be delighted.
Even if that is true,|and l'm not saying it is, the only one that has reason|to celebrate is Ghee P'Trell.
Perhaps.
But P'Trell is by no means|as popular as Dr Wade.
According to your friend.
Actually,|according to my friend's friend's l get the picture.
lf it isn't going to be Wade,|it could be anyone.
P'Trell, Senva, Rogeteven you.
l didn't think|l was going to win before.
- And l don't think l'm going to win now.
|- ls that a fact? Then why have you been working on|your acceptance speech? - How did you know?|- Just a guess.
My goodness,|l never knew solar flares could be so devastating to a planet's|agriculture.
Let me see, at current market rates two thousand tons of Kohlanese barley|would cost me l can have the first shipment|of barley on the way to you in Hold on.
l'll be right back.
How can l help you, boys? Wait.
l have to be sure|that he's all right.
Grand Nagus, can you hear me?|Are you OK? Don't worry, Quark.
l forgive you.
Did you hear that? We have to help him.
Brother, you're very brave to take|the Nagus back to the wormhole.
l wish l could come with you,|but l can't.
Goodbye.
Go on.
Get out of here,|before you have me crying too.
Get out of here.
Don't worry.
|Everything is going to be OK.
You know, my boy,|l should be very angry with you - Are you?|- Not in the slightest.
l can't help myself.
l like you.
Now, where have you taken me? lnto the wormhole.
What's going on? This is exactly what happened|the last time l was in here.
The wormhole aliens|are delightful people, but they like their privacy.
So you did meet them.
|How did you make contact? l see you've brought|the Orb of Wisdom with you.
That should do the trick.
lf you really|want to get their attention, open the box.
That's what l did.
Sounds simple enough.
You'd better hurry.
l got the dampening field on this|ship for a substantial discount.
Hello? Hello? ls anyone there? lt is corporeal Doctor? What are you doing in here? A physical entity Not another one.
l get it.
You're the wormhole aliens? Or would you rather|be called the Prophets? l never could figure that one out.
Did the Sisko send you? What? Sisko? What does he have to do|with anything? The Sisko taught us|about corporeal life forms.
About linguistic communication.
- And linear time.
|- He's quite a guy.
- But l'm not here to talk about Sisko.
|- Why are you here? l'm here to talk about the Nagus.
The Nagus? The other Ferengi who visited you.
|The one who brought the Orb.
We are aware of the Zek.
He came to see you|to learn about the future.
The Zek wanted to know the outcome|of the game before it was played.
That's right.
So what went wrong? At first we did not understand|the Zek's request.
The Sisko said that corporeal|beings value their linear existence.
The Zek wanted to understand events outside the restrictions of linear time.
He wanted to see the future|so he could gain by it.
Yes.
The Zek explained|the value of gain.
How more is preferable to less.
- He taught you about profit.
|- We found the concept aggressive.
- Adversarial.
|- Dangerous.
We could not comprehend how any species could lead|such a barren existence.
lt has its advantages.
We do not agree.
We found the Zek's|adversarial nature invasivethreatening.
We examined your species' history|the totality of your existence.
We discovered that you have|not always been as you are now.
We haven't? There was a time when|your peoples' acquiring nature was not sopronounced.
Wait a second.
Are you telling me that you somehow|de-evolved the Nagus? We restored the Zek to an earlier, less adversarial state of existence.
You can't do that.
The Nagus is the financial|leader of billions of Ferengi.
l demand that you re-evolve him|immediately.
This one is adversarial too.
Aggressive.
lntrusive.
We should do to this one|what we did to the other - restore it to a purer existence.
Counteract its adversarial nature.
Wait.
Let's not be hasty.
There's nothing wrong|with acquiring profit.
- That is what the Zek said.
|- He was right.
l don't know about you people, but us corporeal whatevers|have certain things in common.
And one of those things is The need to improve ourselves.
Our ambition to improve ourselves|motivates everything we do.
Without ambition, without, dare l say it greed, people would lie|around all day doing nothing.
They wouldn't work,|they wouldn't bathe, they wouldn't even eat.
They'd starve to death.
|ls that what you want? Are you so isolated and detached that you would sit back and allow the extinction|of every corporeal being in the galaxy? Your argument is specious.
Changing you will not result in the|termination of all corporeal existence.
All right, so maybe|l exaggerated a little.
We should alter this one|and return it to its own species.
Agreed.
lt is best to avoid contact|with this species.
Wait.
lf you don't want any more|contact with the Ferengi, that's fine, but by altering me,|you won't be avoiding contact, you'll be encouraging it.
My people are very inquisitive.
lf you change me,|they'll want to know what happened.
And they'll come here to find out.
Just as l came to find out|what happened to Zek.
That is linear.
And potentially|very annoying to you.
But on the other hand,|if you leave me alone, and put the Nagus back|the way he was when you met him, l guarantee that you'll never have|to talk to another Ferengi again.
So what do you say? Linguistic communication is tiresome.
My point exactly.
Which is why l think|you should send me back Quark.
Quark.
Quark, are you all right? l think so.
What about you? Stop toadying up to me, Quark.
lt's revolting.
|Just get me out of here.
- l have an Orb to sell to the Bajorans.
|- Did you say sell? l'm going to make them pay|through the nose.
And speaking of noses,|where's my beetle snuff? Oh, Nagus.
You're back.
l'm so happy.
- You're wrinkling my suit!|- Whatever you say.
And now, it is with great pride,|that l present the nominees for this year's Carrington Award.
|They are: Dr April Wade, Senva of Vulcan, Dr Henri Roget,|Chirurgeon Ghee P'Trell, and Dr Julian Bashir.
And the winner is Dr Henri Roget.
- Roget?|- How could they give it to Roget? - Better luck next time.
|- Maybein 40 or 50 years.
Julian.
Sorry.
- You should have won.
|- Next time.
You seem to be handling this well.
Believe me l'm not.
l didn't think so.
Remember what l said, Quark.
lf anyone asks, you have no idea|what happened to the charity money.
- You can count on me.
|- Are you sure you destroyed every last copy of the revised|Rules of Acquisition? The only place the new Rules exist|is inside my head.
Head? Don't worry.
Within a week - he'll have forgotten them all.
|- He'd better.
l don't believe it, brother.
After all you did for the Nagus,|he never even thanked you.
He doesn't have to thank me.
|He's the Nagus.
There's only one thing|that bothers me.
l was honoured to help the Nagus, but it would have been nice|to make a profit for my troubles.
l made enough profit for the both of us.
- What are you talking about?|- The Ferengi Benevolent Association.
Did you know it was|funded with Zek's personal fortune? l was the senior administrator, brother.
You embezzled money|from the Nagus? Surprise.
Father would be proud.