Starsky and Hutch (1975) s03e16 Episode Script
60 - The Trap
[###.]
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[EXPLODES.]
[###.]
STARSKY: Wait till you see this watch.
I mean, it costs a fortune.
But it is a dream.
Yeah, so what's wrong with the old one? You don't understand, do you? Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen, may I show you something? Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me see that watch.
Uh, which? STARSKY: That one, third one from the left, with the silver band.
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Hey.
Hey.
Fingerprints.
Um, this one has a stainless-steel band.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, not that one.
That one, right there.
The one with the silver band.
No, I don't see any with a silver Sir, please.
Tut-tut-tut.
Out front.
Out front.
[MOCKING.]
That one.
Aha.
Uh, this one, sir, is the Yamamoto Reflex.
It has a platinum band.
Yeah.
That's the one.
Yamamoto Reflex with a platinum band.
Ta-ta-ta.
Please, sir.
Handle carefully.
Very expensive watch.
That happens to be the Rolls-Royce of watches.
I can't tell what time it is.
Look, this is not just any watch.
This is the Yamamoto Reflex watch.
You've got to study it a little bit.
I'll give you a class.
See this? This gives you the date and day of the week.
This here button, the alarm.
Push this, it sets off the alarm for any time that you want.
This button, here, is the altimeter and the automatic depth gauge.
What time is it? That's right.
Uh, uh, that one there allows for automatic illumination for monitoring in the dark, you see.
Uh, oh, that one, um, allows for the second hand to point to magnetic north.
And, oh, this one here is the set for the stopwatch feature.
And, um, uh Oh, that was temperature and humidity, of course.
And this one over here is, uh, uh, to remind me to look at the brochure.
[###.]
Don't buy anything.
What do you want? I think that little kid is gonna steal something.
Holy mackerel.
What? She just did! Stop! Stop! Please.
CLERK: Hey, come back here! Stop! Stop! My Yamamoto! CLERK: Stop! My watch! My watch! Hey, stop! Come back here! Police! Police! Stop, he's got my Hey, police.
Come here.
CLERK: Bring back my Yamamoto! Come back here! Stop! Come back here! CLERK: Wait! Ah! CLERK: Right there, officer.
They're the guys that stole the watch.
[###.]
Well, actually, I think it was rather large of you to spend It shows a lot of class, right? [MEN CHUCKLING.]
Well, actually, I thought it was a pretty good deal, considering the only thing wrong with this was the crystal was a little bit scratched.
Look who's talking, the guy who spent 50 bucks for squashed flowers.
Look, it would've taken me a whole week to write up the report.
Besides that Dobey never would've believed me.
Yeah, well, let me tell you something.
If we ever run into that kid again, you better hang on to me or I'll be doing one to five for police brutality.
If we ever run into that kid again, I'll hold your coat.
[TELEPHONE BUZZES.]
Starsky.
Starsky, if your other half is there, I'd like to meet with the whole package.
That you, Huggy? Most of me.
Anyhow, any chance of you two stopping by my dip 'n sip? What's the matter? Trouble? If it ain't, I don't know what is.
OK.
We'll be right over.
What's happening? Huggy.
He's doing an SOS.
Any details? No.
Just said he wouldn't talk to me unless you were there.
On my way.
And the time at the tone is bip-bip, bip-bip, bip-bip, bip-bip.
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
[###.]
MAN: That's their car, over there.
[###.]
If you ask me, a couple of sticks of dynamite would be easier.
I'm paying and we're going to do it my way.
I can tell you one thing, they weren't professional.
How can you tell, Hutch? Well, they were sloppy.
Pros would've been cleaner, they would've busted your mirror, private stock, jukebox.
My head.
They didn't do a bad job on my head.
Nah, a pro wouldn't have touched you.
Yeah, or they would've busted you up more.
What do you think, Hutch? Yeah, I think you got a point there.
Actually, I think Huggy got off light.
Hey, time out, guys.
Wouldn't you like to know why this happened? Lay it on us, Hug.
Next time, you might try a chair.
OK, Hug.
Who and why? I'm glad I got your attention.
You've got it.
This tall dude, not unlike Mr America over here, the blond type wants to know if I know a cop named Hutchinson.
Ooh, it's getting interesting.
It gets better.
What did you say? I gave him a firm non-committal, "who"? And the other guy starts busting up my place.
What did the other guy look like? Definitely not one of your more attractive Homo sapiens.
Looking mean, with a potential for ugly.
If you know the type.
[###.]
You sure that radio's gonna work? Are you kidding? With that channel selector in there, it'll take them a week to figure it out.
They want to meet at 2.
00.
Where? Where? The coffee shop on 13th and Brady.
Why? I don't know why.
I'd just as soon forget it, starting yesterday, Hutch.
Why didn't they call me at the precinct? I don't know.
Maybe they wanted to ring my bell to be more effective.
It worked.
Oh, didn't it? Well, sorry to see this happen to you, old buddy.
Ah, that makes two of us, amigo.
Look, let's check out that coffee shop.
Yeah, do that, huh? And don't call me before you bust those maniacs.
Huggy, we're only a phone call away.
Remember that.
Yeah.
They'll probably come back and write the message on my skull before I can make the call.
What do you think? Well, I think I'll know what I think about 2.
00.
Hey, hey.
Uh When the gorillas split, I peeked though the window and I checked out their transport.
I thought maybe you two good cops might want to know.
Huggy, you've got a way about you.
What were they driving? Oh, a truck.
A tan panel job.
Good.
Is there anything else you want to say? Yeah, but it might bust up our already fragile relationship.
Can you dig it? [###.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS AND SLAMS.]
Do you ever get the feeling that Huggy's not happy to be part of the team? No.
This is Zebra Three to control.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Come in, Zebra Three.
HUTCH: Yeah, this is Hutchinson.
Uh, give me an APB on a tan panel truck, licence unknown, driven by a couple of assault suspects.
They're Caucasian, one's blond, the other one dark and bearded.
With a potential for ugly.
Copy, Zebra Three.
Will advise.
[LAUGHING.]
The real guy couldn't do it better, huh? That's why I'm paying you so good.
We move at 2.
00.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
You're picking up the cheque.
But for the same kind of money, me and Delano, we can wipe this guy out quick and easy.
Push, pull, click, click.
You've got one recently departed cop.
My way.
We're doing this my way, you understand? The man who pays the piper calls the tune.
Are you sure everything is ready? Oh Did the sun rise this morning? You are paying good enough to do this job without asking any questions, but I am real curious about this number, man.
What did this cop do to you? You're right.
You're getting paid enough to do this job and shut up.
[###.]
[###.]
You know, we still got about an hour and a half.
You hungry? Nah.
I'd rather mix it up on an empty stomach.
Well, if you're lucky, maybe those dudes will resist arrest.
[###.]
Hey.
What? How'd you like to warm up? Oh, yeah.
JOEY: Let go of me, you pervert.
Weirdo.
Ah! HUTCH: I got you now.
Let me go.
Stop it! Ow! Don't bite Let me go, you weirdo.
You sexist.
The fuzz, huh? Should've known a couple of grungy creeps like you would be the heat.
Just cool it, kid.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
Let's have it.
Have what? The lighter.
What lighter? The lighter you stole from the jewellery store.
More precisely, the lighter you put in one of these pockets.
This lighter? That's it.
That's a present from my mother.
Give me that.
Sure it wasn't the tooth fairy that put it under your pillow? Come on.
Where you taking me? To see that nice man who runs the jewellery store.
My mom said never get in a car with strange men.
Get in.
Get in! But you're only a little strange.
Hey! [###.]
[MAN MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE.]
Yeah, Bagley here.
Pick me up in the van 15 minutes early.
I want to be sure to be at the store exactly at 2.
I don't care if I've told you before.
I've waited too long to blow it.
Yeah, this is the day I get to kill my favourite cop.
[###.]
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Now, gentlemen.
We value Mrs Carston's account very highly.
And, um, her charge privileges of course extend to Joey here.
What? You mean you're just gonna put that gold lighter on her tab? Mrs Carston's goodwill is of considerable value to us.
You're not gonna press charges? Charges? Of course not.
Heavens, no.
Joey is always welcome here.
Yeah, well, uh, thanks for your support.
Just ask for us the next time the big kids bother you.
Fingertips.
Prints.
Ta-ta-ta-ta JOEY: Hey, this is kidnapping.
Where are you taking me? STARSKY: Home, to see how your mother feels about your budding life of crime.
[###.]
JOEY: Let go.
Weirdos.
Ah Oh, Joey, I'm glad you're back.
Have you seen my car keys? No.
Well, they got to be around here someplace.
No.
Now, the jacuzzi repairman's here.
[HUTCH CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi! Ah, there they are.
Thank goodness.
Well, I'm off.
Oh, no.
Is something wrong? Mrs Cranston, your daughter Carston.
Carston.
Mrs Carston, your daughter has been in some trouble.
Oh? She doesn't care.
She's one of those liberated mothers.
You know how it is.
Oh, Joey.
Ah.
Tell the repairman to use herb solution this time.
Then, uh Go to your room.
You heard me.
Go to your room! # Thanks for the memories ## That silly kid.
Listen, I'd invite you to stay, but I'm running a little late.
Just what did Joey do? Well, you see, ma'am, we were in a jewellery store this morning and we saw your daughter lift a lighter.
Oh, it's that old klepto phase again.
I mean, she'll get over it.
Excuse me, ma'am, but don't you think that's a rather casual approach to take? Oh, pooh.
I don't believe in that old school of discipline.
Stifles their creativity.
Yeah.
Well, is her father home? I wish he were.
You know, that hang-gliding's for the birds.
Listen, boys, I'll have a good talk with her about this.
But I'm certainly not gonna punish her over something as trivial as a cigarette lighter.
I mean, she has a very sensitive psyche.
Sure.
And not having a light when you're dying for a smoke could be murder on a sensitive psyche.
You're funny.
Uh-oh.
My est seminar's started already.
Thank you.
Oh.
Thank you for bringing her home.
That's all right.
We were just on our way to an encounter group.
[###.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[###.]
STARSKY: Well, it's almost showtime.
Whatever beef they've got with me, we're gonna get it up on the table.
That clock is three minutes fast.
Or you're three minutes slow.
Not a chance.
This thing is accurate within ten milliseconds.
HUTCH: Yeah, sure.
[BUZZING.]
Well, uh I wanted to know when it was 2.
00.
I wanted to see if the alarm worked.
[SIGHS.]
Well Never mind.
Hey.
[###.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
What have they got under that hood, an aeroplane engine? This is Zebra Three to control.
We're in pursuit of the tan panel truck, licence number 7-4-Baker-8-3.
Headed west on, uh, Garden.
Garden.
Request intercept.
We copy, Zebra Three.
Will request intercept.
Don't let them catch us here.
Foyt and Petty couldn't catch this heap.
Come on.
Come on, lose 'em.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Take it easy, will you? I'd like to be alive when we catch 'em.
Relax.
We just lost 'em.
Zebra Three, we have a report of a tan panel truck, Boulevard, heading north.
How'd they get up there? It's very simple.
They probably know where they're going and you don't.
Zebra Three, we have another report on the tan truck.
It's heading north on Miller Canyon Road.
So close, and yet so far.
This is Zebra Three.
Will you notify the sheriff's department that we're leaving the city in pursuit of the tan panel? Where are all those units who've got a bead on that truck? Must be somewhere up ahead.
TRAYMAN [ON RADIO.]
: Zebra Three, sheriff's unit has spotted tan panel on Badger Creek Road.
We just passed that.
[###.]
HUTCH: Gotcha! What the hell's going on? Got ears? Yeah.
Did you hear the size of that cannon? Hear it? I almost got a pedicure.
Hold it.
Don't shoot.
It's only me.
What are you doing here? I couldn't face being in my room all day.
So I climbed out the window.
You snuck in the back of my car.
That was dumb.
I'm beginning to think so myself.
You stay right down here and you don't move.
They're out in front.
STARSKY: Now they're out around back.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[###.]
[###.]
That's not exactly a pea shooter.
I know.
You want to check the doors? All right.
[GRUNTS.]
They're bolted.
Look, I think we should have a small conference before we proceed with the arrest.
I just had the same thought.
What are you guys gonna do? Hey, you, keep your mouth shut and stay down.
STARSKY: Don't move.
[PANTING.]
Where were we? Conference.
You know what just occurred to me? What's that? In our business the good guy's supposed to chase the bad guy, and the bad guy's supposed to run away, right? Mm-hmm.
Well, we're the good guys, how come bad guys aren't running? Which brings me to point two.
STARSKY: Point two.
The artillery they got out there.
I notice we are slightly outgunned, aren't we? [COUGHING.]
Which brings me to point three.
You wouldn't be referring to our little female stowaway, would you? I would.
Well, you know, according to the police manual, it says that We're supposed to sit tight.
Yeah.
Wait for reinforcement.
Well, I don't want to spoil your day, but that's beginning to bother me, too.
Yeah, I noticed.
There's supposed to be five units following that truck.
Where the hell are they? You know what I think? What's that? I think we've been set up.
I think those guys shagged us all over town, got us in here and don't want to let us out.
You know what I think? What? I think you're secretly very rich and you've been kidnapped.
Yeah.
Interesting, huh? BAGLEY: Hutchinson! Hutchinson! Remember me? Johnny Bagley.
Who the hell is Johnny Bagley? It's coming back to me like a bad dream.
Johnny Bagley is a borderline psychotic.
Pushing, pimping and porno.
I put him away about seven years ago.
I heard he was up for parole.
What's he so mad at you about? Well, he was holed up at a warehouse with his kid brother, Ernie.
Huh? Johnny got it in the leg, Ernie never made it out.
So he's blaming you for it.
HUTCH: What can I tell you? The man's a psychotic.
Well, I'll tell you something.
I'm sure as hell glad he's not mad at me.
I'm going to kill you, Hutchinson.
Bagley! Why don't you come on in here and talk about it? I'm in no hurry, Hutchinson.
I want you to think about it.
Well, maybe you can keep us in here! But we can keep you out there! Now, it's only a matter of time before a sheriff's unit gets here.
That's what you think, Hutchinson.
Zebra Three.
Zebra Three.
They got our radio.
They sure as hell did.
This is one hell of a mess you've gotten us into, Hutchinson.
You've got two hours to think about it, Hutchinson.
Then you die the way Ernie died.
Let me ask you a question.
Just how did Ernie die? Fire.
You mean he burned to death in the warehouse? No, he was hit or something.
He couldn't get out.
I don't know.
I'm sorry I asked.
We've gotta get her out of here.
Come on.
[###.]
What do you think of this? You [PANTING.]
You blast away from that front door, over there.
I take off, I run around the barn and I set up a line of retreat.
Well, in the first place, I'm gonna blow half the rounds we got.
In the second place, they'd nail you ten feet outside the door.
I didn't like it anyways.
Did you guys forget about me, or what? How could we? Wanna hear a good idea? Sure you do.
There's a shovel over there.
I figure if we take turns, we could dig a tunnel into the woods and escape.
Come on, you guys, we can do it.
I know we can.
'Cause I'm ready to go home right now.
Joey, it's not very realistic.
It worked on The Great Escape.
I watched it last week on TV.
Only, this ain't TV.
I ain't no Steve McQueen.
Yeah, you're more a Charles Bronson type.
Well, actually, I kind of saw myself as a Humphrey Bogart type.
[IMITATES BOGART.]
You know what I mean, sweetheart? Think we'll get out of this alive? [###.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I promise you we will, kid.
If we do, want to take me out to a movie, or something? Yeah.
Take you to pizza afterwards.
Do you like anchovies? Love 'em.
You know, I look older with my hair different.
I look a lot younger when I have a close shave.
I don't want to interrupt this budding romance, but we got to deal with some reality.
We got a problem.
Bagley's planning a barbecue, and we're the main course.
Hey, if you guys don't call in, they'll come looking for you, right? I don't think that's the way it's gonna work this time, kiddo.
If they did to that radio what I think they did, they won't even be able to find us.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
BAGLEY: Hutchinson! You got an hour.
Look, it's me he wants.
Maybe there's a way the two of you can get out of here.
Care to be more specific? I think you know what the guy's got in mind.
And there's no need for the three of us to go that way.
Considering what he has in plan for you, I don't exactly see him giving me a bus ticket out of here.
If you know what I mean.
I think I'd rather stay in here and play my hand with you.
Well, that's very loyal of you, Starsky, old man.
It has nothing to do with loyalty.
I'd just rather be in here with an automatic in my hand than out there with my hands in the air.
OK, OK.
Besides, maybe we could think of something.
It's not me I'm thinking of.
What do you think the chances are of them giving the kid a break? Slim to none.
Terrific.
Joey.
I gotta talk to you.
Straight stuff.
Think you can handle it? Yeah.
There's this crazy guy out there.
He wants to kill Hutch.
[###.]
And in about an hour, he's gonna burn down this barn.
That's sick.
Yeah.
[WOOD CREAKING.]
Hey.
We got ourselves a little exit, over here.
Now, just beyond there is a gully and then the woods.
If we put on a little show, you could slip through that opening and make it to the woods.
You wanna give it a try? Your sneakers really have to fly.
What about you guys? Well, we're gonna stick around here and start a little diversionary action.
I think I should stay here with you.
Well, look, you'd be doing us a great favour.
I mean, you could get out and go for help.
I'd do it myself, except you run faster.
You mean you want me to go for reinforcements? Yeah.
But don't stop.
You gotta keep running.
OK.
You wait till you hear the first shot.
Then get through here and you run like hell for the woods.
I'll take the other side.
Hey, listen, little lady.
I kind of like my girls to have clean records.
So you try to stay out of trouble, huh? I'll give it a shot.
OK.
You're not going to forget me, are you? Our date? You kidding? You're my main reason for living.
[IMITATES BOGART.]
Sweetheart.
[###.]
All right, champ.
Best defence is a good offence.
You call this a good offence? [GUNSHOTS.]
Did she make it? She's in the woods.
What are we gonna do? We can't make it to the car.
The woods.
I'll cover you.
Ready? Now! Ah! I'm hit! I'm hit! I got one of them.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[PANTING.]
[###.]
Does it hurt much? What? It's numb.
It's also bleeding.
I'm glad it's not serious.
[###.]
Aah! [EXHALES AND GROANS.]
Hold it.
Well, you know something? What? It's not numb any more.
Is the pain bad? Only when I wiggle my toes.
Well, at least the kid made it.
I'm gonna you out of here too, partner.
Yeah.
Lots of guys get out of messes worse than this, right? The Alamo.
Custer's Last Stand.
Why don't you tell me about a battle where the good guys won? OK.
I had an Uncle Myron.
He was in the Battle of the Bulge.
Oh, yeah? Did you ever meet Uncle Myron? No.
Why not? He was killed.
In the Battle of the Bulge, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Later on, go around and get their car.
Drop it off on the east side somewhere.
If they start looking for 'em, I want 'em looking in the wrong place.
You got it.
I got to get you to a doctor.
That's a good idea.
See anything? [SIGHS.]
It's a hell of a time for a nap.
What? [STARSKY COUGHING.]
Why don't we try it again? Huh? I said, why don't we try it again? What's that? Well, I can't really walk, but, uh I could crawl to the door.
Do my Cagney impersonation.
You could make it to the woods.
The kid got away.
Maybe you could.
What's that? You didn't hear a word I said, did you? What are you doing? Just cleaning up the man's tractor.
You sure this thing's gonna work? No question.
It's wired to a small incendiary device.
That barn'll go up like a Roman candle.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
Battery's dead.
Well, why don't you try the crank.
What's that? Crank.
All tractors have a crank.
Right.
Don't forget the ignition.
You know, you're pretty smart for a city boy.
My Uncle Alphonse had a Model T.
Yeah, well, if your Uncle Alphonse was killed in some battle, I don't want to hear about it.
My Uncle Alphonse was killed 'cause the Model T backfired.
He was hit in the head with the crank.
I'll probably get run over by a tractor.
It's empty.
I wonder what else they got around here for a little juice.
Kerosene.
You sure that's gonna be enough? Empty.
Hey.
What? On the wall behind me.
[KEROSENE SLOSHING.]
Bingo.
Hold on, buddy.
Hold on.
I'm here.
I ain't going anywhere.
You sure kerosene works in a tractor? Man, 3.
2 beer would work in here if you primed the engine right.
Pardon me for asking, but do you have a plan? I'm sure as hell not going to carry you out on my back.
I get it.
It's like the Trojan horse in reverse, huh? No, we're gonna go that way.
Hutchinson.
In one minute, you're gonna start to roast.
[GROANS.]
I need some wire.
On the bale of hay.
Right.
[WIRE SNAPS.]
Hey, uh In case this thing doesn't work out You kidding me? This is the best plan I ever had.
Well, my leg being the way it is, I don't know how far I'm gonna be able to get.
Of course you will.
I'd like you to have this.
What's that? My watch.
Oh, Starsky, I couldn't take that.
I wouldn't know how to operate it.
The instructions are in the bottom drawer of my desk.
Hey, come on.
Take it.
Hey.
All right, but you get it back as soon as we get out of here.
Naturally.
Right.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to start this thing? It's a piece of cake.
Get in the wagon.
Get in the wagon! It's hot! Go on, get in there! Can't you get that thing started? I'm working on it! [###.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Where are they? In the wagon, you idiot.
Around to the side.
Come on.
Keep your eye on anyone coming out the back.
Right.
Check the other rooms.
Aah! Did you get 'em, Bagley? [SCREAMING.]
Put your thumbs in your ears.
BAGLEY: Delano! Delano! Where are you? Hutchinson! You're gonna die! 'Cause even if you get me, I'm gonna take you with me.
BAGLEY: Hutchinson! Hutchinson! [BUZZING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[PANTING.]
STARSKY: Need any help? HUTCH: What about the other guy? Got him cuffed outside.
Well, that's two.
Where's three? He's in the john.
He's indisposed, huh? Yeah.
Well, I'm glad to see that my plan worked.
What do you mean, your plan? Well, if that's the way you feel about it, give me back my watch.
All right.
[###.]
Excuse me.
I have some business in the john.
[###.]
Thanks, Riley.
Hey.
I thought you were gonna take the rest of the week off.
Oh, the life of leisure doesn't really agree with me.
Thanks for saving me some.
Uh-huh.
How's the kid? What kid? Joey.
Oh.
I don't know.
Haven't seen her yet.
Oh, yeah? What ever happened to your heavy date? Ah, we were just kidding around.
Well, maybe you were, maybe you weren't.
You know what they say.
What's that? "Hell hath no fury like a scrawny weed scorned.
" Oh.
She's probably forgotten all about me by now.
Probably has.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Forget the line-up, Captain.
That's him.
Hi, Babycakes.
Don't "Babycakes" me, you creep.
Throw the book at him.
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Starsky, you're busted.
Huh? The charge is First Degree Breach of Promise.
[###.]
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[EXPLODES.]
[###.]
STARSKY: Wait till you see this watch.
I mean, it costs a fortune.
But it is a dream.
Yeah, so what's wrong with the old one? You don't understand, do you? Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen, may I show you something? Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me see that watch.
Uh, which? STARSKY: That one, third one from the left, with the silver band.
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Hey.
Hey.
Fingerprints.
Um, this one has a stainless-steel band.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, not that one.
That one, right there.
The one with the silver band.
No, I don't see any with a silver Sir, please.
Tut-tut-tut.
Out front.
Out front.
[MOCKING.]
That one.
Aha.
Uh, this one, sir, is the Yamamoto Reflex.
It has a platinum band.
Yeah.
That's the one.
Yamamoto Reflex with a platinum band.
Ta-ta-ta.
Please, sir.
Handle carefully.
Very expensive watch.
That happens to be the Rolls-Royce of watches.
I can't tell what time it is.
Look, this is not just any watch.
This is the Yamamoto Reflex watch.
You've got to study it a little bit.
I'll give you a class.
See this? This gives you the date and day of the week.
This here button, the alarm.
Push this, it sets off the alarm for any time that you want.
This button, here, is the altimeter and the automatic depth gauge.
What time is it? That's right.
Uh, uh, that one there allows for automatic illumination for monitoring in the dark, you see.
Uh, oh, that one, um, allows for the second hand to point to magnetic north.
And, oh, this one here is the set for the stopwatch feature.
And, um, uh Oh, that was temperature and humidity, of course.
And this one over here is, uh, uh, to remind me to look at the brochure.
[###.]
Don't buy anything.
What do you want? I think that little kid is gonna steal something.
Holy mackerel.
What? She just did! Stop! Stop! Please.
CLERK: Hey, come back here! Stop! Stop! My Yamamoto! CLERK: Stop! My watch! My watch! Hey, stop! Come back here! Police! Police! Stop, he's got my Hey, police.
Come here.
CLERK: Bring back my Yamamoto! Come back here! Stop! Come back here! CLERK: Wait! Ah! CLERK: Right there, officer.
They're the guys that stole the watch.
[###.]
Well, actually, I think it was rather large of you to spend It shows a lot of class, right? [MEN CHUCKLING.]
Well, actually, I thought it was a pretty good deal, considering the only thing wrong with this was the crystal was a little bit scratched.
Look who's talking, the guy who spent 50 bucks for squashed flowers.
Look, it would've taken me a whole week to write up the report.
Besides that Dobey never would've believed me.
Yeah, well, let me tell you something.
If we ever run into that kid again, you better hang on to me or I'll be doing one to five for police brutality.
If we ever run into that kid again, I'll hold your coat.
[TELEPHONE BUZZES.]
Starsky.
Starsky, if your other half is there, I'd like to meet with the whole package.
That you, Huggy? Most of me.
Anyhow, any chance of you two stopping by my dip 'n sip? What's the matter? Trouble? If it ain't, I don't know what is.
OK.
We'll be right over.
What's happening? Huggy.
He's doing an SOS.
Any details? No.
Just said he wouldn't talk to me unless you were there.
On my way.
And the time at the tone is bip-bip, bip-bip, bip-bip, bip-bip.
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
[###.]
MAN: That's their car, over there.
[###.]
If you ask me, a couple of sticks of dynamite would be easier.
I'm paying and we're going to do it my way.
I can tell you one thing, they weren't professional.
How can you tell, Hutch? Well, they were sloppy.
Pros would've been cleaner, they would've busted your mirror, private stock, jukebox.
My head.
They didn't do a bad job on my head.
Nah, a pro wouldn't have touched you.
Yeah, or they would've busted you up more.
What do you think, Hutch? Yeah, I think you got a point there.
Actually, I think Huggy got off light.
Hey, time out, guys.
Wouldn't you like to know why this happened? Lay it on us, Hug.
Next time, you might try a chair.
OK, Hug.
Who and why? I'm glad I got your attention.
You've got it.
This tall dude, not unlike Mr America over here, the blond type wants to know if I know a cop named Hutchinson.
Ooh, it's getting interesting.
It gets better.
What did you say? I gave him a firm non-committal, "who"? And the other guy starts busting up my place.
What did the other guy look like? Definitely not one of your more attractive Homo sapiens.
Looking mean, with a potential for ugly.
If you know the type.
[###.]
You sure that radio's gonna work? Are you kidding? With that channel selector in there, it'll take them a week to figure it out.
They want to meet at 2.
00.
Where? Where? The coffee shop on 13th and Brady.
Why? I don't know why.
I'd just as soon forget it, starting yesterday, Hutch.
Why didn't they call me at the precinct? I don't know.
Maybe they wanted to ring my bell to be more effective.
It worked.
Oh, didn't it? Well, sorry to see this happen to you, old buddy.
Ah, that makes two of us, amigo.
Look, let's check out that coffee shop.
Yeah, do that, huh? And don't call me before you bust those maniacs.
Huggy, we're only a phone call away.
Remember that.
Yeah.
They'll probably come back and write the message on my skull before I can make the call.
What do you think? Well, I think I'll know what I think about 2.
00.
Hey, hey.
Uh When the gorillas split, I peeked though the window and I checked out their transport.
I thought maybe you two good cops might want to know.
Huggy, you've got a way about you.
What were they driving? Oh, a truck.
A tan panel job.
Good.
Is there anything else you want to say? Yeah, but it might bust up our already fragile relationship.
Can you dig it? [###.]
[DOOR SQUEAKS AND SLAMS.]
Do you ever get the feeling that Huggy's not happy to be part of the team? No.
This is Zebra Three to control.
MAN [OVER RADIO.]
: Come in, Zebra Three.
HUTCH: Yeah, this is Hutchinson.
Uh, give me an APB on a tan panel truck, licence unknown, driven by a couple of assault suspects.
They're Caucasian, one's blond, the other one dark and bearded.
With a potential for ugly.
Copy, Zebra Three.
Will advise.
[LAUGHING.]
The real guy couldn't do it better, huh? That's why I'm paying you so good.
We move at 2.
00.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
You're picking up the cheque.
But for the same kind of money, me and Delano, we can wipe this guy out quick and easy.
Push, pull, click, click.
You've got one recently departed cop.
My way.
We're doing this my way, you understand? The man who pays the piper calls the tune.
Are you sure everything is ready? Oh Did the sun rise this morning? You are paying good enough to do this job without asking any questions, but I am real curious about this number, man.
What did this cop do to you? You're right.
You're getting paid enough to do this job and shut up.
[###.]
[###.]
You know, we still got about an hour and a half.
You hungry? Nah.
I'd rather mix it up on an empty stomach.
Well, if you're lucky, maybe those dudes will resist arrest.
[###.]
Hey.
What? How'd you like to warm up? Oh, yeah.
JOEY: Let go of me, you pervert.
Weirdo.
Ah! HUTCH: I got you now.
Let me go.
Stop it! Ow! Don't bite Let me go, you weirdo.
You sexist.
The fuzz, huh? Should've known a couple of grungy creeps like you would be the heat.
Just cool it, kid.
You're in enough trouble as it is.
Let's have it.
Have what? The lighter.
What lighter? The lighter you stole from the jewellery store.
More precisely, the lighter you put in one of these pockets.
This lighter? That's it.
That's a present from my mother.
Give me that.
Sure it wasn't the tooth fairy that put it under your pillow? Come on.
Where you taking me? To see that nice man who runs the jewellery store.
My mom said never get in a car with strange men.
Get in.
Get in! But you're only a little strange.
Hey! [###.]
[MAN MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE.]
Yeah, Bagley here.
Pick me up in the van 15 minutes early.
I want to be sure to be at the store exactly at 2.
I don't care if I've told you before.
I've waited too long to blow it.
Yeah, this is the day I get to kill my favourite cop.
[###.]
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Now, gentlemen.
We value Mrs Carston's account very highly.
And, um, her charge privileges of course extend to Joey here.
What? You mean you're just gonna put that gold lighter on her tab? Mrs Carston's goodwill is of considerable value to us.
You're not gonna press charges? Charges? Of course not.
Heavens, no.
Joey is always welcome here.
Yeah, well, uh, thanks for your support.
Just ask for us the next time the big kids bother you.
Fingertips.
Prints.
Ta-ta-ta-ta JOEY: Hey, this is kidnapping.
Where are you taking me? STARSKY: Home, to see how your mother feels about your budding life of crime.
[###.]
JOEY: Let go.
Weirdos.
Ah Oh, Joey, I'm glad you're back.
Have you seen my car keys? No.
Well, they got to be around here someplace.
No.
Now, the jacuzzi repairman's here.
[HUTCH CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi! Ah, there they are.
Thank goodness.
Well, I'm off.
Oh, no.
Is something wrong? Mrs Cranston, your daughter Carston.
Carston.
Mrs Carston, your daughter has been in some trouble.
Oh? She doesn't care.
She's one of those liberated mothers.
You know how it is.
Oh, Joey.
Ah.
Tell the repairman to use herb solution this time.
Then, uh Go to your room.
You heard me.
Go to your room! # Thanks for the memories ## That silly kid.
Listen, I'd invite you to stay, but I'm running a little late.
Just what did Joey do? Well, you see, ma'am, we were in a jewellery store this morning and we saw your daughter lift a lighter.
Oh, it's that old klepto phase again.
I mean, she'll get over it.
Excuse me, ma'am, but don't you think that's a rather casual approach to take? Oh, pooh.
I don't believe in that old school of discipline.
Stifles their creativity.
Yeah.
Well, is her father home? I wish he were.
You know, that hang-gliding's for the birds.
Listen, boys, I'll have a good talk with her about this.
But I'm certainly not gonna punish her over something as trivial as a cigarette lighter.
I mean, she has a very sensitive psyche.
Sure.
And not having a light when you're dying for a smoke could be murder on a sensitive psyche.
You're funny.
Uh-oh.
My est seminar's started already.
Thank you.
Oh.
Thank you for bringing her home.
That's all right.
We were just on our way to an encounter group.
[###.]
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[###.]
STARSKY: Well, it's almost showtime.
Whatever beef they've got with me, we're gonna get it up on the table.
That clock is three minutes fast.
Or you're three minutes slow.
Not a chance.
This thing is accurate within ten milliseconds.
HUTCH: Yeah, sure.
[BUZZING.]
Well, uh I wanted to know when it was 2.
00.
I wanted to see if the alarm worked.
[SIGHS.]
Well Never mind.
Hey.
[###.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
[TYRES SCREECHING.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
What have they got under that hood, an aeroplane engine? This is Zebra Three to control.
We're in pursuit of the tan panel truck, licence number 7-4-Baker-8-3.
Headed west on, uh, Garden.
Garden.
Request intercept.
We copy, Zebra Three.
Will request intercept.
Don't let them catch us here.
Foyt and Petty couldn't catch this heap.
Come on.
Come on, lose 'em.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
Take it easy, will you? I'd like to be alive when we catch 'em.
Relax.
We just lost 'em.
Zebra Three, we have a report of a tan panel truck, Boulevard, heading north.
How'd they get up there? It's very simple.
They probably know where they're going and you don't.
Zebra Three, we have another report on the tan truck.
It's heading north on Miller Canyon Road.
So close, and yet so far.
This is Zebra Three.
Will you notify the sheriff's department that we're leaving the city in pursuit of the tan panel? Where are all those units who've got a bead on that truck? Must be somewhere up ahead.
TRAYMAN [ON RADIO.]
: Zebra Three, sheriff's unit has spotted tan panel on Badger Creek Road.
We just passed that.
[###.]
HUTCH: Gotcha! What the hell's going on? Got ears? Yeah.
Did you hear the size of that cannon? Hear it? I almost got a pedicure.
Hold it.
Don't shoot.
It's only me.
What are you doing here? I couldn't face being in my room all day.
So I climbed out the window.
You snuck in the back of my car.
That was dumb.
I'm beginning to think so myself.
You stay right down here and you don't move.
They're out in front.
STARSKY: Now they're out around back.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[###.]
[###.]
That's not exactly a pea shooter.
I know.
You want to check the doors? All right.
[GRUNTS.]
They're bolted.
Look, I think we should have a small conference before we proceed with the arrest.
I just had the same thought.
What are you guys gonna do? Hey, you, keep your mouth shut and stay down.
STARSKY: Don't move.
[PANTING.]
Where were we? Conference.
You know what just occurred to me? What's that? In our business the good guy's supposed to chase the bad guy, and the bad guy's supposed to run away, right? Mm-hmm.
Well, we're the good guys, how come bad guys aren't running? Which brings me to point two.
STARSKY: Point two.
The artillery they got out there.
I notice we are slightly outgunned, aren't we? [COUGHING.]
Which brings me to point three.
You wouldn't be referring to our little female stowaway, would you? I would.
Well, you know, according to the police manual, it says that We're supposed to sit tight.
Yeah.
Wait for reinforcement.
Well, I don't want to spoil your day, but that's beginning to bother me, too.
Yeah, I noticed.
There's supposed to be five units following that truck.
Where the hell are they? You know what I think? What's that? I think we've been set up.
I think those guys shagged us all over town, got us in here and don't want to let us out.
You know what I think? What? I think you're secretly very rich and you've been kidnapped.
Yeah.
Interesting, huh? BAGLEY: Hutchinson! Hutchinson! Remember me? Johnny Bagley.
Who the hell is Johnny Bagley? It's coming back to me like a bad dream.
Johnny Bagley is a borderline psychotic.
Pushing, pimping and porno.
I put him away about seven years ago.
I heard he was up for parole.
What's he so mad at you about? Well, he was holed up at a warehouse with his kid brother, Ernie.
Huh? Johnny got it in the leg, Ernie never made it out.
So he's blaming you for it.
HUTCH: What can I tell you? The man's a psychotic.
Well, I'll tell you something.
I'm sure as hell glad he's not mad at me.
I'm going to kill you, Hutchinson.
Bagley! Why don't you come on in here and talk about it? I'm in no hurry, Hutchinson.
I want you to think about it.
Well, maybe you can keep us in here! But we can keep you out there! Now, it's only a matter of time before a sheriff's unit gets here.
That's what you think, Hutchinson.
Zebra Three.
Zebra Three.
They got our radio.
They sure as hell did.
This is one hell of a mess you've gotten us into, Hutchinson.
You've got two hours to think about it, Hutchinson.
Then you die the way Ernie died.
Let me ask you a question.
Just how did Ernie die? Fire.
You mean he burned to death in the warehouse? No, he was hit or something.
He couldn't get out.
I don't know.
I'm sorry I asked.
We've gotta get her out of here.
Come on.
[###.]
What do you think of this? You [PANTING.]
You blast away from that front door, over there.
I take off, I run around the barn and I set up a line of retreat.
Well, in the first place, I'm gonna blow half the rounds we got.
In the second place, they'd nail you ten feet outside the door.
I didn't like it anyways.
Did you guys forget about me, or what? How could we? Wanna hear a good idea? Sure you do.
There's a shovel over there.
I figure if we take turns, we could dig a tunnel into the woods and escape.
Come on, you guys, we can do it.
I know we can.
'Cause I'm ready to go home right now.
Joey, it's not very realistic.
It worked on The Great Escape.
I watched it last week on TV.
Only, this ain't TV.
I ain't no Steve McQueen.
Yeah, you're more a Charles Bronson type.
Well, actually, I kind of saw myself as a Humphrey Bogart type.
[IMITATES BOGART.]
You know what I mean, sweetheart? Think we'll get out of this alive? [###.]
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
I promise you we will, kid.
If we do, want to take me out to a movie, or something? Yeah.
Take you to pizza afterwards.
Do you like anchovies? Love 'em.
You know, I look older with my hair different.
I look a lot younger when I have a close shave.
I don't want to interrupt this budding romance, but we got to deal with some reality.
We got a problem.
Bagley's planning a barbecue, and we're the main course.
Hey, if you guys don't call in, they'll come looking for you, right? I don't think that's the way it's gonna work this time, kiddo.
If they did to that radio what I think they did, they won't even be able to find us.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
BAGLEY: Hutchinson! You got an hour.
Look, it's me he wants.
Maybe there's a way the two of you can get out of here.
Care to be more specific? I think you know what the guy's got in mind.
And there's no need for the three of us to go that way.
Considering what he has in plan for you, I don't exactly see him giving me a bus ticket out of here.
If you know what I mean.
I think I'd rather stay in here and play my hand with you.
Well, that's very loyal of you, Starsky, old man.
It has nothing to do with loyalty.
I'd just rather be in here with an automatic in my hand than out there with my hands in the air.
OK, OK.
Besides, maybe we could think of something.
It's not me I'm thinking of.
What do you think the chances are of them giving the kid a break? Slim to none.
Terrific.
Joey.
I gotta talk to you.
Straight stuff.
Think you can handle it? Yeah.
There's this crazy guy out there.
He wants to kill Hutch.
[###.]
And in about an hour, he's gonna burn down this barn.
That's sick.
Yeah.
[WOOD CREAKING.]
Hey.
We got ourselves a little exit, over here.
Now, just beyond there is a gully and then the woods.
If we put on a little show, you could slip through that opening and make it to the woods.
You wanna give it a try? Your sneakers really have to fly.
What about you guys? Well, we're gonna stick around here and start a little diversionary action.
I think I should stay here with you.
Well, look, you'd be doing us a great favour.
I mean, you could get out and go for help.
I'd do it myself, except you run faster.
You mean you want me to go for reinforcements? Yeah.
But don't stop.
You gotta keep running.
OK.
You wait till you hear the first shot.
Then get through here and you run like hell for the woods.
I'll take the other side.
Hey, listen, little lady.
I kind of like my girls to have clean records.
So you try to stay out of trouble, huh? I'll give it a shot.
OK.
You're not going to forget me, are you? Our date? You kidding? You're my main reason for living.
[IMITATES BOGART.]
Sweetheart.
[###.]
All right, champ.
Best defence is a good offence.
You call this a good offence? [GUNSHOTS.]
Did she make it? She's in the woods.
What are we gonna do? We can't make it to the car.
The woods.
I'll cover you.
Ready? Now! Ah! I'm hit! I'm hit! I got one of them.
[GUNSHOTS.]
[PANTING.]
[###.]
Does it hurt much? What? It's numb.
It's also bleeding.
I'm glad it's not serious.
[###.]
Aah! [EXHALES AND GROANS.]
Hold it.
Well, you know something? What? It's not numb any more.
Is the pain bad? Only when I wiggle my toes.
Well, at least the kid made it.
I'm gonna you out of here too, partner.
Yeah.
Lots of guys get out of messes worse than this, right? The Alamo.
Custer's Last Stand.
Why don't you tell me about a battle where the good guys won? OK.
I had an Uncle Myron.
He was in the Battle of the Bulge.
Oh, yeah? Did you ever meet Uncle Myron? No.
Why not? He was killed.
In the Battle of the Bulge, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Later on, go around and get their car.
Drop it off on the east side somewhere.
If they start looking for 'em, I want 'em looking in the wrong place.
You got it.
I got to get you to a doctor.
That's a good idea.
See anything? [SIGHS.]
It's a hell of a time for a nap.
What? [STARSKY COUGHING.]
Why don't we try it again? Huh? I said, why don't we try it again? What's that? Well, I can't really walk, but, uh I could crawl to the door.
Do my Cagney impersonation.
You could make it to the woods.
The kid got away.
Maybe you could.
What's that? You didn't hear a word I said, did you? What are you doing? Just cleaning up the man's tractor.
You sure this thing's gonna work? No question.
It's wired to a small incendiary device.
That barn'll go up like a Roman candle.
[ENGINE SPUTTERING.]
Battery's dead.
Well, why don't you try the crank.
What's that? Crank.
All tractors have a crank.
Right.
Don't forget the ignition.
You know, you're pretty smart for a city boy.
My Uncle Alphonse had a Model T.
Yeah, well, if your Uncle Alphonse was killed in some battle, I don't want to hear about it.
My Uncle Alphonse was killed 'cause the Model T backfired.
He was hit in the head with the crank.
I'll probably get run over by a tractor.
It's empty.
I wonder what else they got around here for a little juice.
Kerosene.
You sure that's gonna be enough? Empty.
Hey.
What? On the wall behind me.
[KEROSENE SLOSHING.]
Bingo.
Hold on, buddy.
Hold on.
I'm here.
I ain't going anywhere.
You sure kerosene works in a tractor? Man, 3.
2 beer would work in here if you primed the engine right.
Pardon me for asking, but do you have a plan? I'm sure as hell not going to carry you out on my back.
I get it.
It's like the Trojan horse in reverse, huh? No, we're gonna go that way.
Hutchinson.
In one minute, you're gonna start to roast.
[GROANS.]
I need some wire.
On the bale of hay.
Right.
[WIRE SNAPS.]
Hey, uh In case this thing doesn't work out You kidding me? This is the best plan I ever had.
Well, my leg being the way it is, I don't know how far I'm gonna be able to get.
Of course you will.
I'd like you to have this.
What's that? My watch.
Oh, Starsky, I couldn't take that.
I wouldn't know how to operate it.
The instructions are in the bottom drawer of my desk.
Hey, come on.
Take it.
Hey.
All right, but you get it back as soon as we get out of here.
Naturally.
Right.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to start this thing? It's a piece of cake.
Get in the wagon.
Get in the wagon! It's hot! Go on, get in there! Can't you get that thing started? I'm working on it! [###.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Where are they? In the wagon, you idiot.
Around to the side.
Come on.
Keep your eye on anyone coming out the back.
Right.
Check the other rooms.
Aah! Did you get 'em, Bagley? [SCREAMING.]
Put your thumbs in your ears.
BAGLEY: Delano! Delano! Where are you? Hutchinson! You're gonna die! 'Cause even if you get me, I'm gonna take you with me.
BAGLEY: Hutchinson! Hutchinson! [BUZZING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[PANTING.]
STARSKY: Need any help? HUTCH: What about the other guy? Got him cuffed outside.
Well, that's two.
Where's three? He's in the john.
He's indisposed, huh? Yeah.
Well, I'm glad to see that my plan worked.
What do you mean, your plan? Well, if that's the way you feel about it, give me back my watch.
All right.
[###.]
Excuse me.
I have some business in the john.
[###.]
Thanks, Riley.
Hey.
I thought you were gonna take the rest of the week off.
Oh, the life of leisure doesn't really agree with me.
Thanks for saving me some.
Uh-huh.
How's the kid? What kid? Joey.
Oh.
I don't know.
Haven't seen her yet.
Oh, yeah? What ever happened to your heavy date? Ah, we were just kidding around.
Well, maybe you were, maybe you weren't.
You know what they say.
What's that? "Hell hath no fury like a scrawny weed scorned.
" Oh.
She's probably forgotten all about me by now.
Probably has.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Forget the line-up, Captain.
That's him.
Hi, Babycakes.
Don't "Babycakes" me, you creep.
Throw the book at him.
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
Starsky, you're busted.
Huh? The charge is First Degree Breach of Promise.
[###.]