The Exes (2011) s03e16 Episode Script

Look at her.
The woman's a vision of loveliness.
A delicate flower with the voice of an angel.
Hey, chief.
What are you, a houseplant? Buy a drink or give up the stool.
Haskell, how long are you gonna sit here and pine for her? Just go ask her out.
No, no.
The time isn't right.
Haskell Lutz is an acquired taste.
I'm like a particularly pungent roquefort.
At first, you think you've bitten into something horribly wrong.
But over time, you learn to appreciate its finer qualities.
Well, I think any girl would be lucky to have a cheese like you.
Aww.
But listen, you better step up or another guy's gonna beat you to it.
All right.
- I'm going in.
- All right.
Here I go.
- Am I moving? - No.
Go.
Hey, what can I get you? Well, you can get me hot and bothered when we hit the sheets later.
How about I just cool you off right now? - Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
I am officially living my nightmare.
Single again and being hit on by every sleazy jerk after another.
Is there not one decent guy left in this city? - Yes! - What? Uh, there is someone, and he's kind and caring and good-hearted and he's worshipped you from afar.
Really? Who is this guy? The guy is Pete.
Who's Pete? He's a friend of mine.
You never met him.
Bye-bye.
Pete? Who the hell is Pete? I made him up! I took one look in her beautiful Doe eyes and I got flustered.
Wow.
You're hopeless.
Well, look.
I'll do better next time.
- I promise.
- Haskell.
- You have to do me a favor.
- Anything.
You gotta set me up with your friend Pete.
Yeah, well well, yeah, about about Pete.
- You see, he's a he's a - He's a what? He's free tomorrow night? Great! This is my first date in 17 years.
I gotta get my hair done, my nails done, I gotta get waxed.
Ooh, this could take a while.
The Exes - S03E16 Friends Without Benefits Guess who has a secret admirer? Well, it's no surprise.
I shaved the pills off my sweater this morning.
Yeah, that'll get the girls drooling.
No.
Me! So, uh, you must be Stuart's sister, huh? I'm Holly.
Hi, Holly.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Stuart told me how helpful you were during his divorce.
That's it? Listen, Nicki, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a divorce.
- I know it's such a difficult time.
- Yeah, it is.
But if you ever need a lawyer, here's my card, here's an article on me in The Times, and here is a DVD about the firm narrated by Morgan Freeman.
Well, I don't see us fighting over who gets the above-ground pool.
Oh, uh, no case too small.
But I'm gonna need that DVD back.
Well, that was a bust.
I gotta go.
Well, it finally happened.
Brother got profiled.
The man singled me out because of the color of my skin! - What happened? - I got a jaywalking ticket.
And were you jaywalking? Of course, Stuart, this is New York.
Everyone jaywalks.
I don't.
Phil, there's a reason our city fathers put up signs that say "walk/don't walk".
They're not just for hoodlums to do pull ups on.
You know what? I'm not gonna stand for it! I'm marching down to city hall and I'm gonna make some noise.
This is a clear case of C.
S.
B.
C.
W.
B.
! What is that? "Crossing the Street Between Cars While Black.
" - Is that the Stu-dog? - Hey, Jeff.
- Hey.
- Hey, how are you, man? Tah! Uh, Phil, listen, I want you to meet my old neighbor, Jeff.
You guys took that from us, you know? Now we gotta come up with something else.
Anywho, we miss seeing you around the neighborhood, man.
Every time I see Lorna with Doug it just feels wrong.
- She's still seeing Doug? - Aw, man, you didn't know.
No, you know what? It's fine, it's fine.
I've moved on, she's moved on.
I'll say.
They're moving in together.
- Really? - Aw, man, you didn't know.
I guess they're gonna live in my old house.
- No, no, no, no.
- Okay.
She's moving in with Doug.
She sold your house.
- She what? - Aw, man, you didn't know.
No, I didn't know! Anyhow, I gotta bounce.
How fun was this? Laters.
Can you believe this? Lorna sold my old house without even the courtesy of letting me know? Well, she did get it in the divorce, Stu-dog.
No, that's not the point.
I found that house.
That house was my baby.
She knows th I am gonna call her and tell her that I wanna see it.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, yeah.
Get one last peek at the hedges.
Maybe take one last ride on the old John Deere.
We're still talking about the house, right? Okay, you ready for the next one? Delight me.
Mm-hmm.
Eh-heh.
What do you think? I'm gonna be brutally honest.
I love it! Thanks, Haskell.
But the question is will Pete like it? Well, if I know Pete And I do He's gonna be knocked out.
Aw, great.
And I got to admit, you were right about the nail color.
Well, let's face it, you're an autumn, not a summer.
I never wanna see you in a pastel.
And you never will.
- Thank you.
- Okay, you're welcome.
All right, what about shoes? High heel, low heel? How tall is Pete? About my height.
All right, stand up.
Let's measure.
Yeah.
Low heel it is.
Al right, unzip me, so I can try on the next one.
Whoa, me? Okay.
All done.
- Thanks.
- Hi, hi.
Hi, Eden.
Hey, what is going on? Well, Haskell has been such a great sport.
I've been dragging him all over the city to find the perfect dress for my date tonight.
Your date with Pete? Yeah, you see anybody else stepping up? Oh, apparently not.
All right, so I'm gonna go try on the next one.
Ugh, you know the worst part about being out there again is wearing a damn thong.
They do not stay where you put 'em.
- Am I right? - Yes.
- Okay.
- [Chuckles.]
[Door closes.]
What the hell are you doing? Having the best day of my life! She's acquiring a taste for Haskell Lutz.
The cheese is growing on her.
And I owe it all to Pete.
There is no Pete! Haskell, how is Nicki gonna feel if her first date in Well, of course she'll be disappointed, but the Haskell she's grown fond of will be there with a strong, caring shoulder.
That actually might work.
Really? No, you're insane! I am so angry! Outraged, incensed, livid! Spin class canceled again? No, I just got off the phone with Lorna.
She's refusing to let me say good-bye to my old house.
Why? She said I would get too emotional.
[Scoffs.]
I poured my soul into every inch of that place.
Handpicked the brick for the fireplace.
I sponge-painted the walls in the powder room.
I even built the craftsman-style birdhouse that those flying rats sullied in just one day.
Then you gotta go up there and demand to see it whether she likes it or not.
What? No, I can't.
I mean, she's not even there.
The movers are coming tomorrow.
Then you gotta go up the tonight.
Well, we did always keep a spare key under the family of ceramic ducks, the quackersons.
Then you get that key from under that duck's ass, and you get into that house! You're right.
I'm doing it.
- Hell yeah! - You're coming with me.
- Hell no.
- Why not? Black man breaking into a house in the suburbs.
Why don't you just tase me right now? Come on, Phil, I need you there with me.
- Why? - For solidarity.
We are both getting pushed around.
This is a clear case of W.
M.
E.
W.
L.
H.
S.
G.
T.
H.
O.
H.
What the hell is that? White Man's Ex-wife Won't Let Him Say Good-bye To His Old House.
Why do y'all gotta take everything we do and just wreck it? Would you come on already? I don't like this, Stuart.
I don't like this one bit.
Relax.
I still can't believe you're wearing that stupid outfit.
I'm just trying to fit in.
Now, if anyone asks, we're coming from the club, and we're on our way to a silent auction.
You people love silent auctions, right? That's a bit of a stereotype, but Anyway, look.
Let's just hope that the key is still under quackers.
And it is.
Where do you even buy a bunch of ceramic ducks? Silent auction.
See? No problem.
[Alarm beeping.]
What is that? What is that? Don't worry.
It's just the alarm.
I know the code.
It's still beeping! Well, the code was our wedding date.
Shmust have changed it.
What else could it be? I don't know! I don't know! What was the date she kicked you out? Oh, she would never.
Punch it in! Punch it in! System disarmed.
Well, that was hurtful.
All right, have your look around, and let's get the hell out of here.
Wow, just like I left it.
Wow.
So many memories.
Pick the shortest one, and let's go.
This is where Lorna and I used to have wine and cheese Fridays, took macarena lessons, hosted murder mystery night.
I never told anyone this, but I was the one who killed the librarian, Rita Bookaday.
I might turn white just listening to this.
Hurry up and say your good-byes, man.
All right, all right.
Oh, oh, the couch.
Oh, we had it shipped over from France from a little town called Saint-Gilles-Croix-de-Vie.
Au revoir, mon ami.
[Whispering.]
We're never getting out of here.
So when is Nicki showing up for her imaginary date with imaginary Pete? I imagine any moment.
She shows, I tell her Pete can't make it, and her brief disappointment vanishes when she realizes that the man she truly belongs with has been in front of her the entire time.
Well, you're not the only romantic in the room.
I'm going to wink at a guy and then go home with him.
Is that Haskell Lutz? Hey you.
Don't "hey you" me.
It's your old buddy, Pete.
Pete! No! Listen, I'm expecting someone, and the last thing I need right now is a Pete.
You're probably wondering where I've been the last few months.
Not in the least.
I've had a few business deals go South, so I've had to lay low for a while.
I'll tell ya, people get real touchy when you lose their nest egg.
Yeah, well, uh, listen, Pete, I would love to Hi, Haskell.
And who is this? Well, he no, he was just Hi, I'm Pete.
- Oh.
- Oh.
So you're the mysterious Pete.
I've been called worse.
I'm Nicki, which you already knew, but I said it anyway because I talk a lot when I'm nervous, and I'm nervous, so that's why I'm talking a lot.
I'm gonna go fix my face, not that it's broken.
Oh, my God! For God's sake, shut up, Nicki! I don't know what the hell she's talking about, but I am liking that caboose.
Well, unlike it! Listen, I don't have time to explain, but you are not the Pete she thinks you are.
That usually works out better for me.
Listen, Nicki's very important to me, and if you have any decency or compassion or What am I thinking? Here's 20 bucks.
Get out of here.
Hello, red lobster.
All right.
Damn, here she comes.
You can't run now.
Look, I'm gonna call your cell phone, and you make up some excuse to leave, okay? What's your number? I don't know.
It's a burner.
Here, here, here.
Take my phone.
- Hey, I'm back.
- Hey.
Well, madam, have a seat.
Oh, Haskell said you were a gentleman.
And a scholar.
I do have my G.
E.
D.
Well, I'm gonna have to leave you two, uh, alone.
What's going on? Who is that guy? That's Pete! I should have never used the name "Pete.
" Yes, that was the only flaw in your plan.
Pete, I'm really flattered that you wanted to meet me.
I haven't been on a date in 17 years.
Because I was married, not because I'm some hideous monster.
Ahh, Nicki's on the loose, ahh! [Chuckles.]
What am I saying to you, Pete? I don't know.
[Laughs.]
Crazy.
Please, I could listen to you babble all night.
[Phone rings.]
Hold that smile.
Yello.
All right, this is your exit call.
Make an excuse and split.
Yes, about that, the price went up on that particular venture.
The buy-in's now 100.
Listen, you blood-sucking weasel, we had a deal.
And a hello? Hello? Sorry, that was London.
England.
Oh.
I've always wanted to go to england.
The closest I got was the England Pavilion at Epcot.
We had high tea and finger sandwiches.
I had, like, 30 of 'em.
Great, Nicki.
Tell him how you stuffed your face in Florida.
[Phone rings.]
- London again.
- Oh.
Pardon moi.
Yello.
Listen, you son of a bitch.
The best I can do is 78 bucks.
That's all I got.
I think I can make that work.
All right.
Get out of here.
That sounds like a pretty big deal.
Yeah, about that, it seems as though my stockholders have called an emergency Stockholding session.
Right now? Isn't it a little late? Not in england.
The city that never sleeps.
Well, I gotta go and trade my dollars into europes.
So, uh, what happened to Pete? Uh, he blew me off.
What? No, that's impossible.
Uh, no, he said it was business, but I know a blow-off when I see it.
Well, the man is a fool.
Look, the night is young.
Why don't we have a drink and Haskell, that's so sweet, but I don't think I'm gonna be very good company right now.
And that's the true story behind Lorna's sewing room.
I'll be sure to tell that one to my cellmate.
Can we please go? I'm not ready, Phil.
I spent half my life in this house.
So many good times, so many good memories.
When I walk out that door, they'll all be gone forever.
[Keys jingle.]
Someone's here.
It's the cops! Quick, take a video of me not resisting! [Indistinct chatter.]
It's not the cops, it's Lorna.
Hide, hide! That's funny.
I must have forgotten to turn the alarm on.
Okay, found it.
Great, let's go.
[Sighs.]
What's wrong, honey? It's weird.
I've lived in this house for 18 years.
I don't quite know how to say good-bye.
You see? She's emotional too.
Make love to me.
You got it.
Okey-dokey, we can go.
This place is dead to me.
- Oh, hi, Haskell.
- Hello, Nicki.
What are you doing here? - I just came by to see how you're doing.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Come on in.
- Yeah.
You know, when I was younger, my father used to chase away my dates with a baseball bat.
Now that I'm older, apparently, I can do it all by myself.
Look, uh, I'm sorry about what happened with Pete, but I want you to know there is a guy out there for you.
Oh, yeah, right.
I forgot how horrible and crappy the dating scene is, but it's all coming back to me now.
The games, the lies, guys telling you what they think you wanna hear.
I think you're amazing.
Yeah, exactly, like that.
You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep at night.
Oh, yeah, that's a classic.
No, I mean I am jealous of your shoes because they are so close to you every day.
I have not heard that one yet, but I'm sure it's coming.
No, you don't understand.
What I'm trying to tell you is that I Haskell, I know, I know.
"Don't give up hope.
It'll happen when you least expect it.
" Blah, blah, blah, blah, I get it.
I so appreciate you coming by, but I'm sorry, I'm just beat.
Oh, uh, okay.
You know, there is one good thing that came out of this.
- Oh? - I found a friend.
Good night.
Good night, Nicki.
Nicki Lutz.
Mrs.
Haskell Lutz.