The Neighborhood (2018) s03e16 Episode Script

1 - Hey, Calvin.
- Hey, guys.
Thanks again for taking this stuff to Goodwill for us.
Oh, no problem.
Oh, and, uh, congratulations, Dave, on finally moving out of a high chair into a booster seat.
You know, not funny now, and not funny at restaurants when you have the waiter bring one over for me.
Oh, wow, looks like you guys are getting rid of Grover's old baby stuff.
Yeah.
We used to think about having another kid.
But by the time Grover was out of diapers, life got so busy, it just kind of never happened.
Yeah, plus we agreed we're happy with just having one.
After all, I'm an only child and I think we all know that I turned out pretty spectacular.
We also know that one of you is definitely enough.
- Aw, remember this little guy? - Oh, yeah.
Captain Cuddleduck.
- He was Grover's favorite.
- Yeah, we'd peek into his room at night, and there they'd be, curled up together.
Snug as two bugs in a rug.
Aw, that's adorable.
Peace out, Captain.
Well, uh, hold on.
Maybe we should keep him.
Why? Grover hasn't slept with him for years.
I know.
But it's just one thing to remind us of when he was little.
Okay, sure.
Besides, Cuddleduck is a veteran.
Welcome home, soldier.
What's this? Uh, it's a bottle warmer.
You use it to warm up a baby's milk.
Oh, yeah, we used to have one of those, too.
It was called an armpit.
I put one under there one time after playing basketball.
It got so hot it burned Marty's lip.
You know what? Maybe we should keep this, too.
It sounds like you guys aren't ready to get rid of some of this stuff.
Of course we are.
Gemma, what are you doing? I don't know.
My brain's saying "Let go," but my hand's aren't listening.
Okay, Gemma, let go of the high chair.
Oh, my I can't.
Why not? Because I think I want another baby.
What? Well, what do you know, Captain? Looks like you're headed back to the front lines.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Gem Gemma, we need to talk about this.
Having another baby is a huge decision.
I know.
And I know we agreed on only having one child.
But we also agreed on one taco night a week, and now we do it on Tuesdays and Fridays.
That is not true.
And Fajita Fridays is mucho diferente.
Besides, are you seriously trying to compare having another kid to that? I'm sorry.
I didn't know I was gonna feel this way.
But there was just something about giving away Grover's baby stuff that made me realize I don't think I want to be done yet.
But, Gemma, our lives are perfect right now.
We have great jobs, an amazing son.
We're the Three Musketeers every year for Halloween.
Another baby ruins the whole theme.
I'm just saying we have so many sweet memories of Grover growing up.
His first smile, his first steps, his first words.
His first smile, he spit up on us.
His first steps, he fell down the stairs.
And his first words were a four-letter one - when he was falling down those stairs.
- Uh, no.
That's what you think he said.
I still think he said Cuddleduck.
All right, my point is is I just think you're forgetting how hard it was.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't that bad.
Do you not remember getting up every two hours to feed him, the dirty diapers, the endless screaming? I mean, Gemma forgive my language, but it was a Cuddleducking nightmare.
Look, all I'm asking is for you to think about it.
But, look, for the record, I just don't think another baby is what we need right now.
What, another baby?! Are you guys crazy?! What about the Three Musketeers?! Don't worry, sweetie.
It's just something Dad and I are talking about.
Well, I vote no.
Although a puppy and an Xbox might help me get there.
Oh, hey, babe.
How did it go at Goodwill? Great.
In fact, while I was there, I picked you up an early birthday present.
Really, Calvin? You bought my birthday present from a thrift store? No, Tina.
I would never buy my baby something used.
It was on the free table.
Well, what is it? It is an antique leather-bound Bible - Oh.
- with gold lettering and brass corners.
Just like the one your grandmama used to have.
Wow.
Calvin, it's beautiful.
Thank you.
Yeah, don't thank me, thank God.
For blessing you with such an amazing husband.
You know, I still say it was my cousin Anita who stole that Bible during my grandma's funeral.
But you can't accuse a nun with no evidence.
Yeah.
Anita was hood before she was holy.
Whoa! What? Baby, there's money in here.
Let me see that.
Wow.
This is, like, $700, $800.
Forget the Good Book.
This is a great book.
[CHUCKLING.]
Well, Calvin, we can't keep this money.
We need to return it to its rightful owner.
Tina, it's an antique Bible from the Goodwill.
There's no way we can find out who it actually belongs to, especially if we don't look.
Well, fine.
If we can't return it, then God would want us to do something charitable with it.
You know, this kind of money can really make a difference in someone's life.
You're right.
Mine.
I'm gonna buy me a giant new flat-screen with this.
I'm warning you, Calvin.
This is a test from God.
And He is watching.
Exactly.
Which is why it's disrespectful to make Him watch this tiny-ass TV.
Oh.
Hey, Calvin.
What you doing? I'm looking at getting a new TV.
Trying to decide should I go LED or QLED.
What's the Q stand for? No idea.
I just know I deserve it.
Well, you're lucky that's the biggest decision you have to make today.
Gemma's still talking about having another kid and wants me to think about it.
[LAUGHS.]
Dave, when your wife tells you to think about it, there's nothing left to think about.
It's already been thunk.
I don't know.
You know, we-we have such a good thing going.
I just don't want anything to mess that all up.
Well, look on the bright side: now you can stop being those three weird pirates for Halloween.
You know, not to mention it would be even harder this time.
I mean, we already have a kid, and we're ten years older.
It's like she doesn't realize how much this is gonna affect our lives.
Yeah.
Well, you got to find a way to show her.
Yeah, well, how do I do that? Not my problem.
The only baby I care about right now is 65 inches long and made in Korea.
Oh, hey, babe.
- Just in time.
- For what? To watch me buy a new TV with our gift card from God.
Oh! Look at that.
He gave unto us free shipping.
Look, Calvin, I know you don't believe this is a test, but look where the money was stashed.
First Timothy.
"For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evils.
" Well, let's not forget what it says in Leviticus.
"Finders keepers, losers weepers.
" Okay.
Fine, Calvin, you keep making jokes.
But don't come running to me when the Lord starts punishing you.
I'll be fine, Tina.
Besides, if God didn't want me to have a new flat-screen, he wouldn't have blessed me with a laptop to order it on.
Well, it looks to me like God just logged you off.
- Ooh.
Hey, honey.
- Hey, sweetie.
- What's in the box? - Okay.
Well, if we are really considering having another baby, I figured we should make sure that we're ready.
So I got us this.
You bought a doll? Oh, no, no, no.
Not just a doll.
She's a Baby Be Sure.
Yeah, it's a robotic parenting simulator that you have to feed and take care of.
Oh, you mean those things they give high school kids to make 'em not want to have sex? Because if that's your goal, it's working.
No, no, no.
Look, I just thought I-I just thought that, before we do this, we should spend a few days to see what it's like to have a baby in the house again.
Oh, all right.
I see what you're doing here.
You're trying to remind me how hard it is so I'll change my mind.
Challenge accepted.
Okay.
All right.
Great.
'Cause, in that case, congratulations, Ms.
Johnson, it's a girl.
All right, turn her on.
Let's see what she's like.
- [BEEPING.]
- Whoa.
[COOING.]
- Aw.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Aw.
She's so cute.
[LOUD FLATULENCE.]
Did this thing just poop? Yeah.
I had to pay extra for that.
Dave? [INHALES.]
Hey, Marty.
Hey, man, I don't mean to get all up in your business, but why the hell do you have a Betsy Wetsy strapped to your chest? She's not a Betsy Wetsy.
She's a robot doll you take care of to see if you want kids.
Oh, yeah.
No, they gave us those in high school to discourage teen sex, but I think my Pokémon backpack took care of that for me.
I got it to show Gemma how hard it would be to have another kid, but she's doing amazing.
It's a disaster.
Okay, yeah, man.
It must really suck to be married to such an incredible wife and mother.
Gemma's not the problem.
It's it's this baby.
She's too easy to take care of.
She's not a Baby Be Sure, she's a Baby Let's Get It On.
Well, if you want to make it harder, you could always just kick it up a notch.
What do you mean? Well, these things run on simple software.
They can be programmed to act any way you want.
So, hypothetically, you could program this baby to drive Gemma crazy? Dave, I could program it to drive Gemma to Costco.
Okay.
I'm in.
But just know, I'm only doing this because I'm desperate.
Trust me, until you've worn a Pikachu backpack to prom, you don't know what desperate is.
Hey, Pop.
Oh.
How come you haven't put your new TV up yet? Thought it came in yesterday.
It did.
But you know what else happened yesterday? - What? - I banged my knee on the coffee table, got a summons for jury duty, then banged my knee again while throwing out the summons for jury duty.
What's your point? Other than you are a terrible citizen who needs to watch where he's going.
I'm just saying, I think your mom might be right.
God is angry with me for buying the TV with that money I found in a Bible.
Oh.
Please, Pop, I'm pretty sure God's got bigger fish to fry than worrying about you and your flat-screen.
Well, for other people, you'd probably be right, but in His eyes, I'm pretty high-profile.
Yeah, Pop, you are being ridiculous, man.
Oh, yeah? Then explain to me why I got a parking ticket yesterday.
Did you put money in the meter? No, I never put money in the meter.
But up until now, He didn't care.
Look, I'm telling you, Pop, bad things like that happen every day.
Mama is just in your head.
Maybe.
You know what? She is always trying to sneak in there and trick me into being a better person.
Well, that makes a lot more sense than you getting busted by the almighty meter maid in the sky.
You're right.
You're right.
Come on, man.
Help me out with this.
We'll put it up right now.
- All right.
- Grab that side.
BOTH: One, two, three.
- Whoa! - Oh.
On second thought you know, you're right.
[SHORT CHUCKLE.]
God is coming for your ass.
Good afternoon, sir.
Did someone order a devil baby? Great.
What'd you do to her? Well, I souped up her crying, maxed out her thrashing ability, and made her impossible to calm down.
Basically, she's every baby I ever sat next to on an airplane.
All right, well, how do I activate her? Oh, it's simple.
All you got to do is pat her on the head, and just like that, Gemma's baby becomes Rosemary's baby.
Thank you, Marty.
I owe you big time.
Oh, man, if you want to thank me, just, uh keep your doors locked.
I don't want that monster coming after its creator.
Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
- Hey, Marty.
Did you meet the newest member of the Johnson family? I did.
She's adorable.
A real computer chip off the old block.
You want to hold her? - No, thanks.
- Come on, she doesn't bite.
[LAUGHS.]
That's what you think.
Oh.
So, now that you two have spent some more time together, are you starting to feel better about this? Well, as of a few minutes ago, yes.
Great.
Well, why don't I take her for a while while you go relax? Okay, you two have fun.
And you be good for Mommy.
[WAILING.]
Whoa.
What happened? No idea.
But I'm sure she'll calm down.
Or not.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Pastor Williams, you got a minute? Yeah.
Calvin, come on in.
Who am I praying for this week? Dodgers or Lakers? Actually, I'm here about something else.
But I wouldn't be mad if LeBron got some help off the bench.
So, uh, what brings you in today? Well, I'm here to make a donation to the church.
A donation? You? Yeah.
What's so surprising about that? Nothing.
But just so you know, we're no longer accepting used couches or '80s movies on VHS.
You know what? It's not like that.
This is cash.
And don't pretend people weren't going crazy over that House Party box set.
Wow, Calvin, this is this is a lot of money.
And don't take this personally, but Seriously? You're checking to see if it's real? Just think of it as me giving God a closer look.
Don't worry, He knows all about it.
Tina snitched on me.
Well, Calvin, this is incredibly generous of you.
In fact, I would love to mention this in my sermon on Sunday.
Your gift might inspire others, and, if nothing else, you deserve to be celebrated.
Well, you know, I wouldn't say all that.
But if you said it, then who am I to argue with a man of God? Oh, and, uh feel free to put my name in the program, too.
You know, for the hearing impaired.
[THUNDER CRASHES.]
Actually, let's just make it anonymous.
Deaf people ain't trying to hear all that.
[DOLL WAILING.]
I don't know what to do.
This thing has been crying for four hours straight.
It's driving me crazy! - [GROANS.]
- Okay.
All right.
Well, look, I know it's hard.
But look on the bright side if it was a real baby, you'd probably be covered in spit-up.
Remember how awful that was? [WAILING.]
Wow.
And I thought the velocity on the other end was impressive.
Dave, you were right.
I was crazy to think we should do this again.
Can you just shut this thing off?! Yeah, of course.
What's wrong? Why isn't it stopping? I'm pressing the button.
It's not turning off.
Dave, it's getting worse! Ok I-I'm trying.
[WAILING CONTINUES.]
Make it stop! I can't! Marty never showed me how! What do you mean, Marty never showed you how? I didn't say Marty.
It must have been the baby.
Oh, my God, Gemma her first words.
Oh! What the hell did you do? Okay, fine.
I had Marty make the baby a little more difficult, but just because you were making it look so easy.
So in a way, it's a huge compliment to you - as a mom.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
I can't believe you would do something like this.
Well, what do you expect? You know, we had talked about this and agreed that we were done having kids.
And then all of a sudden you change your mind and I'm just supposed to be on board with it? [SCOFFS.]
All I asked you to do was to think about it.
Oh, come on, Gemma.
We both know it had already been thunk.
That is not true.
I would never force you to do something you don't want to.
But you didn't even give it a fair shot.
You're so focused on the hard parts, you're forgetting about all the good ones.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Dave, you brought home a robot baby that kicks and screams and poops.
But you know what it doesn't do? Well, we now know it doesn't fly.
It also doesn't laugh, or hold your finger with its tiny hand, or fall asleep on your chest.
It doesn't smile when you walk into the room, or look you in the eye and say "Daddy.
" But a real baby does all those things, and so much more.
I did love all those things.
Yeah.
So wouldn't it be nice to love them all over again? Yeah, maybe.
So now you'll really think about it? Yes.
I I will think about it.
Thank you.
Aw, man! If you guys are gonna try to have another baby, would you at least close the door? So you're really considering having another kid, huh? Yeah, I think so.
Good for you, man.
Having a second kid was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Oh, yeah? Absolutely.
One more person to do my chores for me.
Instead of a baby walker, I had Marty pushing a vacuum.
You know, that's a good idea.
If we still had that robot baby, we could've had Marty make it into a Roomba.
You got rid of the doll? Actually, no.
You know, it's really weird.
I came out here to look for it this morning and it was gone.
Huh.
I wonder where it went.
MARTY: Daddy! - [WAILING.]
- Get it off me! Get it off me! Get it off! Get it off me! - [YELLING.]
- [WAILING.]
See? I told you having a second kid was great.
If I didn't have Marty, I never would've seen that.
- [YELLING, SOBBING.]
- [WAILING.]