The Wild Wild West (1965) s03e16 Episode Script

Come on.
Finish him, finish him, finish him! Refreshments, Mr.
West? Thank you, General Baldwin.
Excellent fight, Hendricks.
You're a credit to company B.
Lieutenant Carter, a fine string of fighters this month.
Why, thank you, sir.
Baker company's been practicing.
Well, meet James West.
Mr.
West tells me that he spent some time in the ring himself.
How do you do? We find it to be a first-rate conditioner for the men.
Well, if you'll excuse me, there's another bout coming up.
I think the rest of you should know why Mr.
West is here.
It seems the government is unhappy with Indian relations in the territory.
Mr.
West and his partner Mr.
Gordon are here to find out what the problem is.
My own sentiments are no secret.
The only good Indians are those in front of cigar stores and dead ones.
I don't agree with you, general.
I think the American Indian has made a tremendous contribution to this country.
Hey, soldier.
Over here, soldier.
You want something, ma'am? Oconee.
Yes, general? I want you to meet the Indian Department's answer to the problem.
Oconee is liaison man between us and the Indians.
How do you do, Oconee? It seems Mr.
West has a touching faith in your hordes of murdering vermin.
I'm sure that Oconee is aware that we have a peace treaty with the Indians, and according to my sources, they have no intention of breaking it.
Mr.
West, as long as our nation has entrusted me with the responsibility of protecting our gallant settlers, my official policy will always be that the only time we can lower our guard is when there isn't one single solitary redskin left alive.
Land sakes! What a sea of long faces.
Mr.
West.
Oh, it's so seldom we Army women get a chance to talk to someone from civilization.
Oh, Daddy, I call upon you to yield this prisoner to me, sir.
I question your wisdom in taking prisoners, but I yield.
Fie on you, Mr.
West.
You've been hiding from me.
Oh, not really.
Your father wanted to speak with me after dinner.
That's all Daddy the general has on his mind; his work.
You know, sometimes I wish he wasn't the most handsome and heroic man in the country.
Ever since he killed all those Indians, people just worship him.
He never has time for fun.
Well, that's the price of fame.
"Main event of the evening, "Private Stanislaus Heron of company A fighting Corporal Kanji White of company B.
" May the better man win.
Oh, Mr.
West, if I see any more bloodshed this evening, I'll just die.
Couldn't we just step outside for a breath of fresh air? I'd like to, Aimee, but this is the main event.
Mr.
West, please.
All right.
Where are you going, Miss Aimee? I'm going to get air, lieutenant.
Well, you can't go now.
You're going to miss one of my best fighters.
How many other fellas like Lieutenant Carter do you have dangling on a string? Now, that's a military secret, Mr.
West.
Make a wish.
After you.
That would be a little ol' waste of time, when everything I could possibly wish for is sitting right here- Aimee.
You move in fast, don't you, mister? Well, we've got range laws here, so do your grazing someplace else.
Lieutenant, I think we ought to talk- Talk? I don't want to talk.
I just want to fix- Put 'em up! Some soldiers here! Indians, everybody! Indians! Jim they left one behind.
I didn't realize Aimee was such a good shot.
You still don't know it.
She may have shot at him.
She didn't kill him.
Go on.
This one's been dead over an hour.
Oconee! Oconee! Where's that half-breed who's supposed to keep peace with the Indians? Get over here.
A message for your chief.
You tell Strong Bear if any of his brave move one more inch in our direction, I'll fertilize the Western badlands with their hides and bones, you hear? I hear, General.
But if I may make a suggestion, you should take a- You presume to make suggestions to me? Why, you- General.
West, I wish you were in my command.
Pity, isn't it, sir? You put that knife away.
I was weaned from the white man a long time ago, Mr.
West.
I can do without your help and your orders.
All right, you- Mr.
President.
Don't shoot, boys.
The country's got problems, but this isn't the way to solve them.
Welcome aboard, sir.
Jim.
Artemus.
It's good to see you both.
It's funny, I didn't notice a single one of your aides standing outside.
You didn't? No, sir.
It just so happens that I managed to escape them.
I wanted to come by and just have a little social visit, pass the time of day, and find out at firsthand how the Mighty Titan's making out.
Titan, sir? Yes, Titus Ord Baldwin, Major General of the United States Calvary.
Still as impressive as ever, I suppose.
Oh, very much so, sir, yes.
I'm not surprised, that's one of the things that the Mighty Titan always did best.
That's what we used to call him at West Point.
We were classmates.
Did you know that? No, sir.
No, sir.
He graduated with honors, top athlete, face and figure like a Greek god, most popular, most gifted, voted the cadet most likely to succeed.
Baldwin's got everything he ever set his sights on, except the Presidency of the United States, and he's not too far away from getting that right now.
America, the land of opportunity.
Sit down.
Thank you, sir.
Now, the only flea on the hound is that General Titus Ord Baldwin is bound and determined to sail his way into office on a small ocean of Indian blood.
We, uh, saw some evidence of that, sir.
Very recently too.
Uh, if I may be so bold as to ask a question of you, Mr.
President- Why don't I take away his command, right? Why don't I fire the man, hmm? Right.
If I did that, I'd play right into his hands.
Ever since he chewed up the Cheyenne at Wolf Mountain, he's been man of the hour in certain steamier political circles.
There's a lot of people that think right now he'd make a mighty good president.
Oh and if you fired him, you'd be accused of making it a totally political move, of course.
That's right.
Good luck, sir.
Yes.
The government, the country, would be torn apart with controversy.
It would ensure his election, and then he could proceed to exterminate the Indian without anyone lifting a finger to stop him.
He's well on his way to that now, sir.
An hour ago, five braves attacked the fort.
A very strange attack it was too, sir.
One of the braves was dead before the raid even began.
And another one, a live one, had a dolphin tattooed on his wrist.
That's not an Indian decoration, is it? I wouldn't think so, sir.
What about the Indian that was dead earlier? How do you account for that? Well, we've got a theory about that, Mr.
President.
We think that he was murdered somewhere off the fort, and the body was dragged on and dumped there.
It's beginning to sound like someone wants us to think that Strong Bear is trying to break his treaty with the government.
That's our opinion, sir.
See, we know that the dead Indian was one of Strong Bear's braves, but we're not at all sure about the identity of the other four.
It may be a very fruitful avenue of investigation, sir.
Strong Bear must keep the peace.
He must, regardless of the provocation.
And after tonight, there'll be plenty, if I know Baldwin.
West, Gordon, I want you to deliver another message to Strong Bear explaining that to him in the strongest possible terms.
Another message, sir? We've already sent him three.
May I ask what his response was to the others? I don't know.
None of the carriers ever returned.
Oh, Mr.
West! Mr.
West! Yoo-hoo! Honestly, did you ever see a more perfect day for a picnic? You mean, a picnic for you and me? I declare, what an old tease you are.
By the way, do you like rum cake? Now, would it matter if I didn't? Oh, goodness, no.
We'd still have petit fours and cucumber sandwiches and watercress and strawberry jam.
Uh, this young lady annoying you, mister? Oh, that's all right, I don't want to press charges, lieutenant, uh Greeley, fifth cavalry.
Just transferred in.
I declare, young gals today are getting more headstrong and impulsive every minute.
Now run along, gal.
Headstrong? Impulsive? I'll have you know you're sassin' Miss Aimee Baldwin.
Baldwin? Baldwin? You related to Enoch Baldwin, a lance corporal? No, just the daughter of the fort commander.
And when Daddy the General hears the way you just spoke to me, he'll have you drawn and quartered, Mr.
Neeley.
Uh, Greeley.
Greeley.
Well, now, I sure do regret that, ma'am, because that would look just terrible in my daddy's newspaper, wouldn't it? Newspaper.
You don't mean your daddy's Horace Greeley? Why, you guessed it.
Oh, well, Daddy just loves the New York Herald.
Well, now, isn't that a coincidence? So does my daddy.
Only he happens to be the editor of the Mobile Alabama, Weekly Gazette.
Mr.
West! Oh, Mr.
West! What do you want? I want to see Strong Bear, and I want you to take me to him.
You're one of General Baldwin's men.
Why don't you ask him? What do you really want? Peace.
Unless you take me to see Strong Bear, there's a very final war in the offering for your people.
My people? Who are my people, Mr.
West? I'm a half-breed, remember? Because of that, you're willing to let the whole Sioux people go to war? Not only willing but eager.
Now find yourself another guide.
Aimee, stay still.
Perfectly still.
Still, Aimee.
They want you to move.
But- So far they're missing you on purpose.
Don't be afraid.
I'm not.
I'm terrified.
Enough! Let 'em go! West, that meeting you wanted I'll arrange for it.
Why? Call it my admiration for your style under pressure.
Then there's the matter of your intervention with the general the other night, a small favor I never asked for, but nevertheless, I appreciate.
When do we leave? We don't.
I'll arrange to have Strong Bear at the Sulphur Springs Cave at 8:00.
You be there too.
All right.
You hate me, don't you? Naturally.
No, you're just saying that to be nice.
Down deep, you really do hate me, don't you? If you say so.
What I mean is if I- If I hadn't insisted on trailing after you the way I did, well, we wouldn't have had that horrible run-in with those grizzly old redskins.
Aimee, if you hadn't insisted on trailing after me, I probably wouldn't have gotten something I wanted very much from Oconee.
Well, then you mean you don't hate me? I'll go so far as to say I like you.
As you were, sergeant.
Sheesh Pretty scruffy little post you got here, if you don't mind my saying so.
Yes, sir, I've seen them all, and this is easily the scruffiest.
You transferring in, lieutenant? I'm afraid so.
If you'll be good enough to sign this duty roster.
Why, of course, sergeant.
Thank you.
Thank you, sergeant.
The, uh, colonel in? Uh, no, sir, but I expect him back soon, though.
Fine, I'll just wait in his office- No, sir.
Excuse me, lieutenant, but the colonel don't like for no one to do that.
Besides, it's locked.
Oh, all right.
Just tell Uncle Ted that I- I mean, tell the colonel that I was in to see him, would you? Uh, excuse me, sir.
The colonel? He's your uncle? My uncle? Of course not, sergeant.
Whatever gave you that idea? I can't imagine, lieutenant.
You just wait right here, lieutenant.
Uh, I'll tell the colonel you're here.
Fine.
Fine.
Thank you, sergeant.
What the devil do you mean telling the sergeant I'm your uncle? My uncle? Why, colonel, I distinctly told the sergeant you were not my uncle.
Lieutenant, you told me that, but- Goodness, what an adventure this morning was.
I can't wait to tell Daddy how you rescued me from those, those savages.
I wish you wouldn't do that.
Oh, Mr.
West, now, modesty in its proper place, but credit where credit is due, I always say.
Aimee, the fuse has been laid to an Indian war.
If you tell your father what happened, it could be the match to ignite that fuse.
Can't we stop for just a little minute? All right.
Just for a minute.
Well, fiddlesticks.
Now, you are a hero, and I intend to see that you get decorated for bravery.
Aimee, don't you understand? No, I guess you don't.
Well, all right.
It's too bad we won't be seeing each other anymore.
Why, whatever do you mean? Well, Aimee, figure it out for yourself.
if I become a hero, you'll have to tell your father I saw Oconee, and you know how he feels about Oconee.
I'll be barred from the fort, maybe even the territory.
Oh, well, that'd be terrible, And how odiously likely too.
Well, then it will be our own little secret, forever and ever.
Good.
Then it's settled.
On one condition.
That being? Would it be all right if I called you James instead of Mr.
West? Aimee, we better get out of here.
Oh, Daddy, wait till I tell you what happened to me today.
Silence, Aimee.
Mr.
West for the better part of a morning, I've been sending out search parties for my missing daughter, prepared for and fighting against all the fears of a parent, which I can see now were completely justified.
With your permission, sir.
All right, colonel.
Place Mr.
West under maximum security arrest.
Aimee.
Oh, a froggy did a-courtin' Go a-who A froggy did A- courtin' go- Make sure that you got that latched up real good, soldier.
Now, hold on there, soldier.
Let's let's just watch that, shall we? I beg your pardon? The recent unpleasantness is over.
I am on your side now.
There's no call to go looking for trouble.
Now look here- You tripped me, sir.
I don't know how you can tell in your present condition, but if you say so, I apologize.
Now, hold on, hold on.
What do you mean, my present condition? Are you trying to insinuate that I am drunk, sir? I happen to be an officer and a gentleman, sir.
I have never been sober in my whole- In my whole life.
Now what do you say to that? One word of advice, go sleep it off.
Wait a minute.
Do you realize who you're talking to? Do you? That is im-irrevelant and immaterial.
I happen to be a lieutenant.
And the point is, you can't tell me what to do.
You're right.
It's your problem.
You handle it your own way.
Now hold on here.
I ain't through with you yet.
Lieutenant, you're beginning to try my patience.
If you don't let go of that uniform, you're under arrest.
Under ar- You have no authority to tell me to do anything! Soldier, place this officer under arrest, charged with insubordination.
Wait a- I-I- I tell you, sir, you are making a terrible error.
I am innocent.
Just locking you up till you cool off.
There's nothing to cool off from.
I have never drawn a more sober breath in my- You, sir.
You tell them.
Do I look drunk to you? Come on, lieutenant, get ahold of yourself.
I tell you, you're making a terrible error! That man was neither an officer nor a gentleman! This would never happen if General Lee was still in command! Artie, what did you find out about the raid last night? It's all right.
We're the only two guests in the hotel.
Oh, fine.
Well, it's just as we figured; the Boston Tea Party all over again, only these men were soldiers.
Very convenient.
Yeah they ducked out of the back of Colonel Rath's office redskins, did their dirty work, came back in again to Colonel Rath's office, changed back to cavalry uniform.
Neat, but not gaudy.
Well, then it's what we suspected a staged raid to make it look like Strong Bear was breaking the treaty.
Right, so that the moral of the story to draw is the only good Indian is a dead Indian.
Colonel Rath what did you find out about him? He graduated from West Point, number 92 in a class of 93.
Past 10 years, he's been General Baldwin's aide.
Artie, do you think that Baldwin is calling the shots? I don't know anybody else who has more to gain, do you? I mean, if you want to be president, what better way than by kissing babies and killing Indians? Yeah.
Well, maybe I can throw a little sand in the general's political career.
Oconee has arranged a meeting, Artie, with Strong Bear for me tonight at Sulphur Springs Cave.
Oh, that's fine.
Jim? Yeah? Listen, whatever you do, I don't want you to think about those three other men that General Grant sent to contact Strong Bear.
No, I won't.
I mean, just because he put them to the stake doesn't necessarily mean he's going to kill you too.
No, it doesn't.
You just forget them.
Yeah, I will.
Don't dwell on them.
No, Artie, I won't.
Just put those poor devils right out of your mind.
Artie, all right! By the way Artie, how do you plan to escape? Oh, the usual way Guile.
Cunning.
Trickery.
Why, Miss Baldwin.
Why, Mr.
Neeley.
Uh, Greeley.
I don't suppose you know where James- Mr.
West- is.
Uh, well, as a matter of fact, he's not seeing any visitors today, you see, so, uhh, why don't you come back later, huh? Much later.
Why, he's escaped! Well, I will be hornswoggled, so he has.
Oh, dear, that ruins everything.
It does? Why, of course.
I almost had Daddy the general talked into letting Mr.
West out.
Oh.
He didn't say where he was going, did he? Well, no.
You see, he left in such a hurry.
Oh, dear.
I'll just have to go out and find him and bring him back here, so that Daddy the general can order his release.
Otherwise, he'll be shot on sight.
Well, uh, Miss Baldwin, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion Well, of course.
Why don't you just sort of not mention anything at all to Daddy the general about Mr.
West's escape? Why, that would be downright deceitful in a way.
Well, uh, well, yes, it would in a way, but on the other hand, it might save Mr.
West's life, in a way.
well, now, in that case, a herd of wild butterflies couldn't drag the truth out of me.
Good Uh, now, may I suggest to you that you leave before the guard comes back here and discovers that.
You know, I've never kept a secret from Daddy the general before.
No? No.
And it makes me feel so so wicked.
Bye.
Oh, there you are.
Say, how about some grub, eh? What are you doing in here? Well, I'm starving is what I'm doing.
What do you say, soldier, eh? How about trotting out a little grub? Where's Lieutenant Greeley? I don't know, is he supposed to bring my vittles down to me? Look, there's supposed to be a lieutenant in this cell.
There's nobody here but me, and I'm sure hungry, soldier.
What do you say, huh? How about trotting out a little bit of grub? I guess they must have taken him someplace else.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, what are you doing there? What are you doing? No, sir! No, sir, you're not opening this door and taking me out.
You let go of that! No, sir, I won't.
Let go of the door! I don't know how you got in here, but you ain't getting no handouts off of this fort, now you get out here! No, sir.
I was brought in here all right and legal.
I ain't gonna leave until I get my vittles, so there.
Wait a minute, what are you doing now? You change your mind? Wait a minute Now, where's that fellow who brought me in here yesterday? He ain't on duty now.
Well, you go ahead and fetch him, he'll tell you.
I'm a dangerous criminal.
I'm a murderer.
I can't be out of jail.
You gotta keep me in jail, 'cause I'll kill people! I'm terribly dangerous to leave out, and you know that.
No, sir! Back over there! Let go of that bench! You give me a roll! Time to give up! Get out of here! Get out of here! Greetings, West.
I have waited for you.
Greetings, Strong Bear.
Are you well? I am old, but I am alive.
You want to talk with me? I bring you greetings from President Grant.
Strong Bear, he's concerned over a rumor he heard that you might break the treaty.
Is that true? Such talk is a lie.
The president will be delighted to hear that.
There was an attack on the fort by Indians yesterday.
A soldier was killed.
The news of that came to me, but they were not of my people.
That, too, will delight the president.
Disappointed, West? I promised you Strong Bear.
He killed our great leader Strong Bear! Aah! Goodness gracious, James, whatever are you doing down there? This little piggy went to market and this little piggy stayed home and this little piggy had roast beef and this little piggy had What were you doing down there? The last person to ask me that question didn't wait for an answer.
Who was that? Sweet Aimee.
Is she involved in this? Up to her sweet neck.
And there's more.
Strong bear is in there with a knife in his back.
Oconee has convinced the Indians that I murdered him.
Ahh, that's what it was.
I figured it would be something like that.
He's called the conclave of the Sioux war chiefs.
If he gets them riled up, we're really in for a blood bath.
Where do you think they're headed, Artie? An educated guess, I say the flats around Temple Canyon.
That's the traditional burial grounds across the lake.
Come on.
Welcome to a funeral, Mr.
West.
Strong Bear's.
And your own.
Actually, it'll save a lot of messy explanations, having you killed on Indian land.
Now don't you agree? That's a stroke of genius.
You know, I never realized what an accomplished rabble-rouser Oconee was until I saw him work.
He's really rather good, isn't he? Oh, he's a master in, uhh in his own way.
And I assume he was the one that stuck the knife in Strong Bear's back.
It couldn't have been Aimee.
So you know about Aimee.
But does "daddy the general"? Does he realize that she's his campaign manager? Baldwin is a fool.
He thinks all it takes to be president is just to announce that he wants the job.
What's his reaction gonna be when he finds out what tactics you employed in his presidential campaign? After he's the chief executive, it will no longer matter.
Now, Mr.
West, you are beginning to bore me.
Greetings, brothers.
Listen to me.
That man's not chief! He's an imposter! Don't you realize it's a trick? Oconee speaks with tongue of snake.
I, Strong Bear, say to you, throw down your weapons and return to your tepees.
That man is an imposter! Look.
Come back! Come back, it's a white man's trick! Mr.
Gordon did a good job impersonating the dead.
Now, what do you do, Mr.
West? The question is what are you gonna do? There aren't any more bullets in that gun.
Let's not, Mr.
Gordon.
They're doing so well just the way they are, don't you think? Let her go, Artie.
There's a lot of room to run, but no place to go.
We'll get her later.
So knowing how much store the Indians set by the spirits, I figured that if Strong Bear had shown up, Oconee had lost the game.
Why, I think that's the bravest thing I ever heard of; just risking your lives like that.
And all because of that little snip of a girl wanting her daddy to be president.
And how come that General Baldwin didn't know what was going on? Well, he was so preoccupied with destroying the Indians, he didn't have time to realize he was being used by other people.
Listen, enough conversation about the past.
Let us simply discuss the present.
Ladies- Artie? Uh, ladies, would you be good enough to just step back here for a moment, please? We really won't be very long.
Thank you.
There we are.
Mr.
President.
Artemus.
Ah, Jim.
Sir.
Gentlemen, I waited until you got back to Washington to thank you personally for what you've done.
You saved us from a very dangerous situation.
Well, thank you very much, sir.
Sir, would you care for some wine? Why, thank you.
I- No, thank you.
Oh, but I do have something very interesting I'd like to read to you.
Jackson? "The undersigned, having been duly commissioned "by the President of the United States "on the 2nd of September, 1846, "hereby requests his resignation from said commission "be favorably considered for the following reasons: "A.
The traitorous acts "of a commissioned officer in my command "and the discredit to which these acts bring upon "the Army of the United States.
"B.
My desire to retire from the military "to devote myself to my family as a private citizen.
"Request release from active duty "effective the 6th of April, 1874.
"Respectfully signed, Titus Ord Baldwin, general of the 19th Calvary.
" Needless to say, I shall honor his request.
Of course, Mr.
President.
Well, thanks again for everything, and good night.
Good night to you, Mr.
President.
Good night to you, too, ladies.
Was that really President Grant? Oh, just imagine, the president himself coming to your train.
Yeah, he's very good about that.
My goodness, he could at least have given you some kind of reward for all you did.
Well, he said he'd leave that up to you girls.
Well, now, I think that's a splendid idea.