Two and a Half Men s03e16 Episode Script

- Morning.
- Morning.
- What are you making? - Breakfast.
Have you considered orange juice and a piece of toast? It's in there.
We got any marshmallows? And he wonders why he gets diarrhea.
Oh, man.
Did you forget to put the lid on again? Maybe.
- Well, clean it up.
- Okay.
- Is Jake up yet? - He's in the kitchen.
- Has he been looking for me? - Are you a marshmallow? - What? - He hasn't been looking for you.
Oh, good.
Sorry I'm late, but Kandi and I had morning sex.
- Good for you.
- Twice.
Congratulations.
She didn't even wake me up for the first one.
I almost missed it.
Well, I've always said a 22-year-old girl is like a good carpenter.
No wood gets wasted.
Well, I wouldn't put it so crudely, but yeah.
- Morning, buddy.
- Morning.
Why do you let him use the blender? I'm hoping he'll eventually stumble into a margarita.
Hey, here's a fun fact.
You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high.
And yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
And here's another fun fact.
I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you too.
That is a fun fact.
And you know what else? Her youth is like an aphrodisiac.
I feel younger, I feel more Oh, I don't know how to describe it.
Manly.
I know what you mean.
I'm performing at what can only be described as a very enhanced level.
- Right.
- You know, between-the-sheets-wise.
- You don't have to tell me.
- Yes, I do.
I have to tell everybody.
I'm just impressed you can keep up with her.
I thought she'd have worn you down to a few vertebrae in a pool of spinal fluid.
Well, you know, I exercise, I eat right And of course, I've always had a vast, untapped reservoir of sexual energy bubbling under the surface.
Truth be told, you could drill anywhere and hit a gusher.
Morning, brother.
We're here to tell you about The Good News.
Okay, but my news first.
See, I am dating this 22-year-old woman.
Incredible.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rose, what's up? I was taking a walk on the beach with my boyfriend and we thought we'd stop by.
Come on up, lamb chop.
This is ridiculous.
I still don't understand why we can't use the stairs over there.
- Don't try to change me, Gordon.
- I'm sorry.
So how's it going with you two? It's just great.
Gordon's my soul mate.
- He completes me.
We're inseparable.
- Yeah.
Wait here.
I wanna talk to Charlie alone.
- Charlie.
- Coming.
- Lamb chop? - I'm hot and juicy.
- What's up? - Don't play innocent with me.
- I can see the hurt in your eyes.
- What? - You have to let me go, Charlie.
- Okay.
- I'm with Gordon now.
I've moved on.
- Good.
And I know it may be hard for you to hear this but he satisfies all my needs.
Well, he is hot and juicy.
Oh, Charlie.
I can't bear to see you like this.
Like what? I know I shouldn't but I'm gonna give you one last chance.
One last chance for what? You're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Say what? Listen closely.
Once I go, I'm gone.
Really? I've never seen that side of you.
I've never had a man like Gordon.
I believe you.
- So? - "So," what? - Who's that? - Oh, that's Gordon, my boyfriend.
How come he's not allowed in? I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.
- Too late.
- You bringing him to my birthday party? What do you think, Charlie? Is the wound too fresh? I think I can handle it.
Cool.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go now.
- All right.
But before I do I think we need to decide just where we stand.
- You're kidding.
Rose has a boyfriend? - Yep.
A real one, or, like, Toby the astronaut? No, this one's real.
- What's he like? - Nice guy.
He has no idea how close he is to the woodchipper.
- Hello? Alan, you home? - Kandi? What are you doing here? I thought I'd surprise you with a booty call.
- Lower your voice.
- Booty call.
What's a booty call? Well, it's You know, this is more the kind of thing a son should learn from his father.
Oh, okay.
Maybe you should ask him now.
All right.
I'm going to hell.
Look, it's a really sweet gesture, but this is not a great time.
Hey, Dad, what's a booty call? Oh, hey.
Hey, Jake.
You You remember Kandi.
- Sure.
Hi, Kandi.
- Hi.
So, what's a booty call? I figured you didn't want me telling him.
Was I wrong? Well, Jake, it means that Kandi came by to do her laundry.
I don't see any laundry.
Good point, Charlie.
Always the eye for detail.
Well, you see, Jake in the Old West cowboys could be out on the dusty range for months at a time.
And they'd get mighty dirty.
So they'd They'd mosey into town with nothing but the clothes on their backs.
And they'd need to wash them.
So, what they'd do is they would go down to the creek and strip down until they were wearing nothing but their boots.
Why'd they keep their boots on? Rattlesnakes.
Anyway, in order to warn people who were swimming that, you know, the naked cowboy was on his way he would yell, or, if you will, call: "Booty.
Booty.
" Ergo, the booty call.
Alan, you really make history fun.
Well, thank you.
So when did it start meaning "casual sex"? Why don't you go play a video game or something? - Okay.
- Great.
Hey, Kandi, you wanna come to my birthday party tomorrow? - Sure.
How old are you gonna be? - Twelve.
Happy bar mitzvah.
Well, this works out well.
When you're not boinking her, she's got someone to play with.
Weren't you listening? Jake just invited Kandi to his birthday party.
Oh, don't worry.
You've still got the inside track.
No.
- I can't let her come to the party.
- Why not? Why not? My ex-wife is gonna be there.
All her miserable, middle-aged soccer-mom friends are gonna be there.
They're gonna take one look at Kandi's tight, young little body and they are gonna hate me, hate me with a white-hot hatred of burning hate.
Yeah, sure, it'll be a little tense at first but you can lighten the mood with your booty story.
That's powerful funny, partner.
Shut up.
Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice.
Does he wanna be loved or does he wanna get laid? Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice.
You got married.
And you wound up with neither.
But now, now fate has given you another chance.
Welcome it.
Embrace it.
Grab its pert little ass.
What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say: "Hey, look at this gorgeous 22-year-old woman I'm having sex with"? Oh, don't be silly.
You don't wanna rub their faces in it.
You just want them to know where yours has been.
- Oh, yeah, one more thing.
- Yeah? Booty.
Booty.
Uncle Charlie? Uncle Charlie, are you awake? Go away.
Don't you wanna be the first one to wish me a happy birthday? - Jake, I swear to God - Wait, not yet.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Okay, now.
Get out.
You can give me your present now if you want to.
If you leave immediately, I'll give you the gift of life.
All right.
- Hey, how come Dad's not in his room? - He's out with Kandi.
- When's he coming home? - Not for a while.
Why doesn't he just have sex with her here? What makes you think he's having sex with her? I don't know, common sense? All right.
The thing is, he's embarrassed about having that kind of relationship with somebody so much younger than him.
Why? I don't know, maybe he thinks he's setting a bad example for you.
What am I gonna do, start dating a 6-year-old? - Go back to sleep.
- I can't.
I'm too excited.
Well, you mind if I go back to sleep? - Okay.
I'll find something to do.
- Great.
- Maybe I'll try to make a pizza.
- Good for you.
Oh, crap.
Pierre? Have you seen Pierre? - Is Pierre a cat? - Yeah.
- Bathroom.
- Thanks.
Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, God.
Still worth it.
Hey, I'm watching that.
Yeah, right.
Happy birthday, you big dope.
- Why am I a big dope? - When did you finally fall asleep? How could I possibly know that? Now you got a party in a couple hours and you feel like hell, right? - Yeah.
- Happy birthday, you big dope.
Hey, am I old enough to have coffee now? Do you still think armpit farts are funny? - Yeah.
- Then no.
Come on, I could really use a pick-me-up.
- Okay, how do you want it? - I don't know, in a cup? Good choice.
- You feel better? - Yeah, I think it's working.
You know, Kandi, you don't have to feel obligated to go to this party.
It's just gonna be a lot of kids playing silly games.
Are there gonna be balloon animals? Because I love those.
No, Jake's a little old for that.
Balloon animals are a very underappreciated art form, Alan.
Just give me a minute to get ready.
Okay.
You know, it's probably gonna be a very, very dull party.
I wouldn't be going myself if I weren't related to the kid.
And without balloon animals, you gotta ask yourself: "Is it really worth the trip? " How do I look? I'm I'm sorry, I think I swallowed my tongue.
Thank you.
It's amazing.
My ex-wife would take hours getting ready and the end result wouldn't be nearly so this.
Maybe I can give her a few tips at the party.
Oh, gee.
- She doesn't respond well to tips.
- Okay.
Anything else? Well even before I say it, I know it sounds insane but do you think you could put on a few more clothes? - Don't I look okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah, you look terrific.
It's just, I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.
- About? - About Maybe if you just put on a jacket and a hat.
Do you have a poncho? - Are you ashamed of me? - No.
No, I'm proud of you.
In fact, I'm so proud that yesterday I almost signed up to be a Christian missionary in the Sudan.
But you don't want your family and friends to see me.
Good, you understand.
You know, Alan, my friends are judgmental too.
- About what? - About you.
None of them get why I'm with you.
Well at the risk of shining a light on something better left unexamined why are you with me? Because you're cute and smart and really, really grateful.
All true.
And if my friends can't understand that, well, then tough tomatoes.
- Kandi, you're a remarkable girl.
- Thank you.
Unfortunately, so am I.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
You wanna have a quickie in the car? Well, all right.
But this time let's pull over first.
Boring.
So where's Alan? He's supposed to be pitching in at this party.
I don't know, but I'm guessing that wherever he is, he's pitching.
So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you.
I have a new man in my life.
Oh, good for you, dear.
Does the man know yet? Hey, get your own, Red.
Nice outfit.
- Thanks.
Rose picked it out for me.
- How about that? You know, sometimes when we're having sex she calls out your name.
No kidding? What about the other times? She makes me call it out.
Boy, that really wasn't a quickie, was it? The first one was.
Anyway, so just to reiterate, today is Jake's day.
- It's not about us.
- I know.
So you can just relax.
And don't feel obligated to, you know, socialize or talk to anybody.
Don't worry, Alan.
I'm not gonna embarrass you.
Right, I know you won't.
So to summarize what I reiterated, we're just gonna play it cool, low-key.
Nothing to be gained by drawing attention to ourselves.
I got it.
Just don't ring the doorbell.
Sorry we're late but I was having sex with this gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Come in and say that again.
Jake? You in here? It's time to do the birthday cake.
Go away.
- Did you find him? - Yeah, he's in the bathroom.
- Is he okay? - I don't know.
- Jake, are you okay? - I'm fine.
Go away.
He's probably humiliated because his father is dating a Camp Fire Girl.
- Give it a rest, Judith.
- What's going on? - Jake won't come out of the bathroom.
- Come on out, honey.
- I can't.
- Why not? I just can't.
I was wondering where everyone snuck off to.
Whatever you're saying about me, you can say right to my face.
This isn't about you, Mom.
- Wish I could believe that.
- What's the holdup? - He won't come out of the bathroom.
- He sick? - Who won't come out? - Your grandson.
Why? Is he mad at me? - Jake, what have you had to eat today? - Just a little coffee and some vitamins.
- Coffee? You let him have coffee? - No.
You let him have coffee? - He had a sip.
- Well, wait a second.
- Why did you take vitamins? - I was tired.
Okay, but where did you find vitamins to take? In your medicine cabinet.
I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet.
Yeah, you do.
The little blue ones with a V on them.
- What's going on? I don't understand.
- The kid's gonna need another party hat.
SDl Media Group