All In The Family s03e17 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days I ain't wrong.
I'm gonna find that Sports Illustrated, I'm gonna get that article, and I'm gonna show it to you in black and white there and make you eat your words.
Get away from me.
The magazine is in this house someplace.
Edith, up there, are you looking for that magazine? EDITH: Yeah, I'm looking, Archie! I don't hear you looking, Edith.
But I'm looking! I don't hear you looking, Edith! Daddy, why are you wasting your time looking for that dumb magazine? Why? To show your dumb husband a thing or two.
I got a quarter bet with him here that Harvey Haddox pitched a perfect no-hit ball game.
Archie, he pitched a perfect game for 12 innings.
They got a hit off him in the 13th, and he lost the game.
That's not a perfect game.
I can still remember the headline out of that article there: "The day that Harvey Haddox was robbed of the no-hit game.
" That's right! He was robbed of the no-hit game, so he didn't pitch the no-hit game.
Certainly he did! If you was robbed of something, you had to have it in the first place in order to have somebody rob you of it.
Look what I found! Good, good.
Give me it.
What the hell is that? My five-year diary.
I don't want that! Get away from me! Ma, you keep a diary? Oh, not anymore, but during the war, every day while your father was in the Army-- How many times have I got to tell you? Air Corps, Air Corps, Air Corps! Oh, yeah, that's right.
You know what I used to call Archie? My fly-boy.
[GIGGLING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Aw, clam up, you.
I know what you done.
You hid that magazine so you wouldn't have to pay me the quarter.
Get outta here.
Listen to this: "May 21, 1943.
Dear diary: Had a letter today from Archie B.
" That's "B", shorthand for Bunker.
"Archie said I shouldn't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but him.
Isn't that romantic?" It is! "P.
S.
I don't have an apple tree, so I won't sit under my rubber plant.
" for her dingbat wings.
Come on, Mom, why don't you sit down and read us some more? All right A-ha! I think I know where that magazine is! MIKE: Why don't you forget it? You're wrong.
Get away from me, you.
Here's a good one.
"September 4th, 1943.
"Dear diary: Archie was in town on a pass.
"He took me to a U.
S.
O.
dance, and the funniest thing happened.
"I'll never forget it.
"But I'm tired now, dear diary, so I promise to tell you tomorrow.
" I wonder what happened.
Ma, why don't you read what you wrote the next day? Oh, yeah! Here it is: "September 5, 1943.
"Dear diary: It rained all day today.
Nothing much to tell you.
" What happened to the funniest thing you said you'd never forget? I guess I forgot.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Look what I found upstairs.
What is it, Archie? Ah, whilst looking for my magazine, which I didn't find, I ran across a hunk of homemade poetry.
Hey, hey, hey, where did you get that? Oh! In that box of junk in the bottom of your closet.
Give me that.
That's mine.
What do you mean? Don't you want to share it with the world? You got no right going into my room.
Hold it, hotshot.
You're only borrowing that room from me because Gloria happens to be your roommate.
But the room is still in my house, which means I got a right to search it.
We're living in the Watergate Hotel here.
You got no right snooping around in my things! I was only looking for one of my things, and I found this thing.
And wait till you get an earful of it there, Edith.
"No girl's as sweet As my true love You were sent From heaven above" All right, give it.
Come on.
"You fill my days All right, come on.
"With sheer delight Hand it over, will you? "Throughout the day, Throughout the night All right, come on.
Hand it over.
Ah, we got a regular Edgar Allan Polack here.
Come on, now! I'm not kidding around! Give me that.
That poem is personal.
Personal? I'll say it's personal.
Hey, Edith, wait till you hear the rest of this.
Oh, Archie "A touch of your lips, And my heart's on fire.
A glimpse of your--" I'm going to say the word "chests" here because we're in mixed company-- "A glimpse of your chests, And I'm mad with desire" Oh, my, I'm all goose bumps.
Ah, shut up.
Look, Archie, I'm telling you, I put up with a lot around here, but there is one thing I will not put up with, and that is having my privacy invaded.
Whoop-de-do.
Well, then, what about my privacy, Daddy? Michael wrote that poem to me.
To you, huh? Then why does it say up on top, "To Vicky"? Let me see that.
ARCHIE: Hey! It looks to me like the Meathead was glimpsing a few chests before he run across yours.
Who's Vicky? Ah, it's nobody, just a girl I used to know a long time ago.
Michael, you said you wrote this poem especially to me, and it wasn't "To Vicky" then, it was "To Gloria.
" Well, yeah, but it was my best poem! I wanted you to have it! Michael, you lied to me.
You never even really wrote me a poem.
Gloria, I did better than that.
I married you! That wasn't better.
You should have kept writing poems.
Hey, I don't have to take that from you! What else have you lied to me about? Nothing! That's a lie! Gloria.
please, what do you want from me? [SOBS.]
Michael! You gave me a used poem! Gloria, your father acts like a storm trooper, he turns our bedroom into a police state, and all you care about is a lousy poem?! Because you lied to me! How can I ever trust you again?! What about trusting your father? How are you gonna trust him again? The next thing you know, he's gonna be bugging our bed! The only bug in your bed is when you hop into it.
Oh, that's it! That's it.
I don't have to take that from you.
What do I need this for? I must be crazy! I'm not gonna stay in this house another minute.
Between you and your father, you're driving me crazy! Out there, I will be able to get a little freedom.
I will be able to get a little privacy.
You'll be able to apply for a little welfare too.
Goodbye, goodbye.
You can send my clothes to Lionel's.
Archie, he's leaving! Say something.
Bye! [YELLING INCOHERENTLY.]
[BAWLING.]
Ma Oh, oh [CHUCKLES.]
EDITH: He'll be back as soon as he gets over being mad.
Yeah, which should be around dinnertime.
Shut up! What? Shut up! If you hadn't been snooping where you didn't belong, I wouldn't have found out what I didn't want to know! You've been trying to get Michael out of this house for two years! Well, you got your wish, and I hope you're happy, you monster! What? Did you hear what your daughter said to her father? Yeah.
I couldn't help it.
I was standing right here.
What's she yelling at me for? That ain't my fault! Hey, little girl, it ain't my fault that the Meathead only had one poem in him, and then he spread it around like fertilizer which, by the way, it is.
Oh, Archie, I think you were wrong to go into their room.
After all, they got a right to their privacy.
Well, I happen to agree with my government.
If you ain't got nothing to be ashamed of, you don't need no privacy.
Mike's poem is personal, like my diary.
Oh! But if I want to read your diary, I can read it.
[GASPS.]
No, you can't! My diary is private.
Are you telling me that you would keep secrets from me? Some secrets, yes.
No secrets, no! We'll have this out right now.
I'm your husband, and I say to you, "Give me that diary.
" [GASPS.]
And I'm your wife, and I say, "no.
" GLORIA: I'm going to Trudy's.
Hold it, there, hold it.
You ain't going no place.
Take your hands off me.
Take your hands off her! I didn't touch her! Gloria I'm sorry, Ma, but there's nothing to stay here for anymore! [GASPS.]
Archie! Ain't you gonna stop her? No, I ain't! Oh! Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Where are you going? I'm her mother.
That's where I'm going.
Edith, you get back inside this door That's more like it.
And sit down in your chair here.
We're going to have a little talk about your daughter, mouthing off to me the way she done Who does she think she is-- [DOOR SLAMS.]
I'm in a nuthouse.
No, operator, operator, just listen to me, huh? The name of the party is Whiteman or Lightman or something like that.
The first name is Trudy, see? She lives at one of them apartments over there on Northern Boulevard.
Uh, listen to me.
I just want the address there.
I can't give you that.
I'm trying to find that out from you.
Whiteman, Lightman.
Can't you look-- Listen, can-- Listen, can-- [STAMMERS.]
Forget it! Uh, hello there, Jefferson.
This is Archie Bunker here.
Uh, put Lionel on the phone, huh? I know it's 1:00 a.
m.
, But youse people don't sleep on a Saturday night.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! There's no call to be using that kind of language here.
I didn't say nothing like L-Listen to me.
I'm just trying to find out where my son-in-law is.
I think he's over there.
Aw, what do you mean, you don't let whitey on the premises? I know he's over there.
J-- Hello? Hello? You crumb.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, well.
And about time.
I ought to let you stay out there, Edith.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Bunker.
Oh, hiya, Lionel.
Where's Mike? He went straight home to my house.
We just came from a movie.
Well, then your old man was lying to me.
I just called him up.
He told me on the phone Mike wasn't there.
But he didn't lie.
I didn't tell my father Mike was there.
He don't like the idea of white folks in the house.
Yeah, oh.
How'd you get Mike in there, with burnt caulk? No, no, we snuck him in the back way.
And he hid in the basement.
Yeah.
Gee, if your old man's so touchy about white people being there, ain't you taking an awful chance getting Mike in? Well, I'm just returning a favor.
What favor? Well, during the Civil War days, some of you white folks hid us out when we ran away.
That's right, but youse people was worth something.
Now, look, Mr.
Bunker, the reason I came over was to get Mike's books.
He needs them for an exam on Monday.
Well, it's too late for me to go looking for them up there in the room, you know.
Just tell him I'll throw them out on the stoop for him first thing in the morning.
Okay.
Uh, by the way, Lionel, as long as you're here, do you remember that little brunette girlfriend of Gloria's? Her name was Trudy, Trudy Uh, Trudy Brightman.
Brightman.
Brightman, yeah.
See you around, Lionel.
What about Trudy? Oh, uh, I don't know.
I ain't heard nothing.
You want me to tell Mike anything? Yeah.
Tell him to send us a card, Christmas and Easter.
Brightman, Brightman, Brightman.
That was "B" when I went to school.
Let's see.
Brightman and, uh, "B" and it ain't here.
Where would Edith write that name? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see here.
Here it is.
Brightman.
Under "G", for Gloria's girlfriend.
If you're happy And you know it, say "I am" I am If you're happy And you know it, say "I am" I am If you're happy And you know it Then your life will surely show it If you're happy And you know it, say "I am" I am! That was good, Ma.
Mrs.
Bunker, you're terrific.
Oh, my, that was fun.
I just love singing, especially songs.
Oh, more wine, Mrs.
Bunker? Oh, my, it is empty again.
Thank you.
Ma! You know, this is just like sitting around a campfire at camp, only we ain't itchy.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, I used to love them song-alings.
Sing-alongs, Ma.
Them too.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, I remember one song.
It was so funny.
Oh, sing it for us, please.
All right.
John Brown's baby Had a cold upon his chest John Brown's baby Had a cold upon his chest John Brown's baby Had a cold upon his chest And they rubbed it With camphorated oil That was supposed to be funny, Ma? Oh, I forgot.
It was funny when we acted it out.
Yeah, like this: John Brown's Had a [COUGHS.]
Upon his chest John Brown's Had a [COUGHS.]
Upon his chest John Brown's Had a [COUGHS.]
Upon his chest And they rubbed it With camphorated oil [INHALES DEEPLY.]
Ew.
[GIGGLING.]
Oh, Ma, Ma Ma, I think you ought to take it easy till the pizza gets here.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I won't sing anymore until after we eat.
Who's bringing the pizza? A couple of friends of mine down the block.
I wonder what's taking them so long.
It's really getting late.
I wonder how Michael is.
I think I'm going to call him over at Lionel's and Gloria, don't you dare.
He walked out on you, remember? Make him come to you.
But what if he doesn't? Oh, Gloria, I'm sure he will.
It's just like in the movies.
The husband always ran after the wife, and he said, "Please come back," and the wife always did.
Like William Powell and Myrna Loy Cary Grant and Irene Dunne Humphrey Bogart and Bette Davis? Yeah.
Only you were never too sure about Bette Davis.
Sometimes, she'd come back, but sometimes, she'd just die.
Oh, pizza! Hi, everybody.
Oh, Mrs.
Bunker, this is Betty Sue, and Joanie.
Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm telling you, it is so cold outside.
It's a good thing you bundled up.
That's right.
Oh, yes.
EDITH: Look at you-- you wore your pajamas.
Well, Trudy said, "come as you are.
" [GASPS.]
Oh, my! Then this must be a "come as you are" party.
[MUFFLED CHATTER.]
Gloria! Look who's here.
Oh, Michael Hey Pizza! Oh! Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How are you? I missed you.
I'm fine.
How did you know I was here? Well, from out of nowhere, Archie asked Lionel about Trudy, so I put two and two together.
Oh.
Uh, listen, I, uh, I brought you something.
I wrote you a fresh poem.
Oh, Michael.
Aw GLORIA: Oh, everybody, I want you to meet Michael.
He's my husband.
Michael, you know Trudy.
Yeah.
And you know me.
And this is Betty Sue and Joanie.
Michael.
I'm gonna read them the poem.
Oh, no, no.
[ALL PROTESTING.]
All right.
It's nothing, really.
"Oh, Gloria, "You made My life euphoria.
"I wanna Get more of ya.
Gloria, I adore ya.
" Oh, Michael, it's beautiful.
Michael, come here a minute.
I wanna talk to you.
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I was wrong too.
I was wrong too.
I should never have walked out on Archie, and I'm gonna tell him too if I ever see him again.
Aw, come on, Ma, cheer up.
All right.
Let's sing another song.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You all join in on the chorus.
A peanut sat On the railroad track His heart was all a-flutter Around the bend Came the 8:15 And now he's peanut butter It ain't gonna rain No more, no more Come on, everybody.
It ain't gonna rain no more How in the heck I'm gonna wash my neck When it ain't gonna rain No more? Oh, it ain't gonna rain No more, no more It ain't gonna rain No more Edith! You having a good time? Archie, you came back, just like in the movies! Take off that Chinky bathrobe.
No, Archie, we're having a "come as you are" party.
Let me introduce you.
You know Gloria, you know Mi-- Cut that out.
It's like an opium joint in here.
Bunch of Commies doing hijinks.
Gloria, you didn't tell me you had a daddy like that.
What you mean by that? Well, Mr.
Bunker, my sister and I are from Dallas, and our daddy would think you're a Communist.
ARCHIE: Why? Because you live in New York City.
Why don't you two sing him your daddy's favorite song? That's a terrific idea.
Betty Sue, Joanie, come on.
Don't be shy.
I don't want to hear no song.
Get away from me.
If Communism comes A-knocking at your door Don't answer it If Communism comes a-knocking At your neighbor's door Don't let him answer it For Democracy's the way To live each and every day So when Communism comes Just say You're not at home From Democracy We'll never, ever roam [CHEERING.]
Well, your daddy's favorite song is a damn good song.
But I know very well that youse two don't believe in it, see.
I know when my legs are being pulled by a couple o' little pinkos there.
And I think you ought to put some clothes on too.
I don't know why I'm looking at youse.
Come on.
I think we ought to go home now.
And that includes Gloria and Mike.
Come on.
Oh, wait a minute, Archie.
I want to tell you something.
I was wrong.
Of course you was wrong.
Well, don't you think you should say you was wrong too? Wrong about what? About Mike's privacy.
Everybody's got a right to their privacy.
I got a right to know whatever goes on with anybody under my roof! That's why we're not under your roof right now.
Archie, couldn't you say you was wrong? I said I was wrong.
I said I was wrong.
I said I was wrong.
Oh, well, in that case youse were all wrong, but I ain't.
Archie, we ain't coming home until you say we got a right to our privacy.
You know what that is, Edith? That is blackmail, blackmail-- which is a worser crime than the crime of searching his closet.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! So you admit you were wrong.
Huh? You said you committed a crime.
I never said anything.
You just said-- you just said that searching my closet was a crime.
I never said nothing about that.
Oh, Archie, say you was wrong.
I was wrong.
And I was wrong.
And I was wrong.
What is this, True Confessions? [MIMICKING.]
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
I was wrong.
He said it! I never said nothing! For he's a jolly Good fellow For he's a jolly good Fellow For he's a jolly good Fellow Shut up! Which nobody Can deny He said He was wrong Ah! Not that! [ARGUING.]
Oh, Archie, here's a poem you wrote to me.
I never wrote no poem.
Oh, yeah, listen.
"When skies are blue, I think of you, and in the rain, I think again.
" Oh, yeah, yeah.
"So please remember me, Dear Edith, When safe at home, These lines thou readeth.
" "Thou readeth.
" Oh, my.
Wouldn't it be nice if everybody talked like that in real life? No, Edith, it would be dumb.
Oh, I don't think so.
I'd love to hear you talk to me that way.
All right, Edith.
Wilt thou stifle thyself? [.]
ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.