American Housewife (2016) s03e17 Episode Script

1 TOGETHER: Happy Birthday, Dad! Aww.
Thanks, guys.
"Happy 80th Birthday.
" Anna-Kat, that's not my age.
Seemed like a reasonable guess.
And why is the tiger on the card attacking me? So many notes.
Do you want the card or not? And this is from me.
[Smacks lips.]
99 shares of CincoNext.
They're doing some really incredible things in the biotech space.
Each share trades at a penny, but over time, they could be worth millions.
Or nothing.
Or millions.
Happy Birthday, Dad! Aww.
It's a coupon for one clean room.
Hm.
I'm 9 years old.
What's your excuse? What? Dad's always riding me to clean my room, so now I will.
Actually, I love it, and I'm cashing it in now.
Go clean your room.
Damn.
I was really banking on you losing the coupon.
Three kids with three gifts all coming in under $1.
So what? Where's your gift? - Mom forgot! - No, I didn't! I would never, ever forget my husband's birthday.
KATIE: Okay, I did! Now lash out at the kids to draw attention away from it.
It is your father's birthday, and you're not even making him breakfast?! - All right! Okay.
- Okay.
Who raised you?! Don't answer that! I have your present, but I can't give it to you yet because it's a surprise.
For tonight.
- I knew it.
- Mm-hmm.
You're throwing me the birthday dinner party you've always promised me! Yeah, buddy! How'd you know?! Finally, an adult dinner party.
- Nay a salon, - Mm.
where we discuss art and wear scarves indoors! I've been asking for years, and now we're doing it! Now, only question left is which scarf should I wear? The real question is, which scarf should I hang myself with? KATIE: Guys, I messed up.
I forgot Greg's birthday.
Ohh! That's bad.
I did the same thing to Celeste, and that pretty much led to our divorce.
Well, that and all the other women you slept with who weren't your wife.
Hey, she knew I was an Aries when she married me.
Oh, my God, what a great defense.
- Did you use that in court? - I did.
But the judge was a Capricorn, so Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
No hablo cuckoo.
So, what's happening with Greg? I lied to him about forgetting his birthday, so now I have to throw him a dinner party.
Can you two make it? Ah! Richard and I will be there.
Anything to get away from the kids.
"Mom! Play board games with us!" I swear it's like they don't even know me.
I'm in, too.
Mind if I bring my new girlfriend? Her name is Crissy, she's a therapist, and I honestly think she could be the one.
Are you on Tinder right now? Wh I'm just browsing.
Oh, God.
Are you sure you didn't forget Dad's birthday? 'Cause this all seems very last-minute.
The caterers, which I ordered weeks ago, canceled on me this morning.
Anyone not believe that? Huh?! Anyone? That's what I thought.
Now, tonight is an adult night, so that means you are all going upstairs and staying there till morning.
But what if there's an earthquake or a rapture or an AI singularity? You are only allowed to come down if there's visible blood active bleeding.
You got to fill this cup above the line.
All right! Everybody upstairs! [Light music plays.]
Remember to clean your room for Dad.
I was going to! God! [Sighs.]
What is that thing where you've been asleep and you wake up years later and all of your kids are grown up and you've lost all that time? A coma? A coma.
- I'm ready for my salon! - Great! Because Doris and Angela are going to be here any second.
Doris and Angela? That's my salon? Who am I gonna have intellectual debates with? Angela is well-read.
She belongs to a lesbian book club.
She doesn't let me come because she thinks I'm going to make fun of their haircuts.
But they know it's not a normal dinner party, right? Because I'm reading a poem! [Doorbell rings.]
Hey, real quick if Doris asks you why we couldn't go to dinner last week, it was because of your hernia surgery.
Got it? Great.
I didn't have a hernia.
Why did you lie to Doris? I can't tell her the truth.
Dinners at her house are the worst! Richard is either on the phone or talking about his commute, - and Doris hits on you the entire time.
- No, she doesn't.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Why'd you have to go give me a hernia? I don't know! She sprang the invitation on me.
How am I supposed to keep up this lie? Just don't mention it.
And don't lift anything heavy.
[Exhales sharply.]
This is so stupid.
You know I hate it when you put me in these situations.
How am I supposed to act like I have a hernia? This'll help.
[Groans.]
[Straining.]
Hi! TOGETHER: Happy birthday, Greg! - Hi, everyone! - Happy birthday! - Hi.
- [Chuckling.]
- [Quietly.]
Have we been here long enough? - [Quietly.]
Shut up! Welcome! Let me take your coats.
- Oh! I'm so glad we could come.
- Thank you.
Good.
Hernia! I have a hernia.
His nether regions are still quite blown out.
Mm.
Okay, OCD girl, have at it.
Halloween, Christmas - this.
- [Chuckles.]
Can I borrow your phone charger? Sure, if you can find it.
This is disgusting.
[Gasps.]
My bib jersey! I've been looking everywhere for that! - Your what? - My bib jersey.
Whenever I eat something greasy in my room, I put on a jersey to protect my clothes.
Genius, right? I fear for your future.
Aah! I can't believe I touched your bib jersey! And there's nothing clean enough in here to wipe my hands on! Don't worry it's covered in so much old food, there's no way you touched fabric.
You should be in prison.
Uh, guys? The room is on fire.
[Gasps.]
Uh, Mom? KATIE: Visible blood! 'Kay.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Sighs.]
So, Richard, how are things? [Snapping fingers.]
[Scoffs.]
So, Crissy, Angela tells me that you are a therapist.
How do you like it? I think the better question is, how do you like being a mother? So, Richard, whatcha typing? Nothing? All right.
What are we going to do? Mom and Dad are going to kill us! Well, Dad's gonna lecture us, and then Mom's gonna take the doors off all our rooms.
That'd be really bad for you, Oliver.
I have nothing to hide.
But, at the same time, we do need to cover this up, and the only way we're gonna do that is if we stick together.
Like this slice of pizza attached to Taylor's math book? That's why third period is so confusing! - Oh.
Your hand is so big.
- Thanks.
I feel very safe right now.
- I'm so glad.
- [Chuckles.]
- Doris, let's compare hands.
- Oh! Ow! Knock it off! Oh, God.
Greg is going for one of his skinny poetry books.
Those are the worst kinds.
Who's in the mood for a sonnet? - No.
- Almost.
Changing subject.
So, Greg, you seem to be recovering nicely.
Recovering? [Smacks lips.]
From the hernia surgery that you had.
Oh, yes.
Well, the procedure went smoothly.
It was no big deal.
Katie said it was a very big deal, with a lot of complications.
Oh yeah.
It going smoothly actually was a complication because they expected it to be bad, but then when it looked like it was good, it threw everyone off, and because they were like, "Aah! Why isn't this going bad?" And then, um I started bleeding out of my butt.
- [Timer dings.]
- I'll get that.
[Oven door opens.]
[Groans.]
Mmm.
What? How are you carrying that if you just had hernia surgery? Oh, these darn pain meds give me a false sense of strength.
I hope I'm not bleeding from my butt again.
- What's going on?! - [Groans.]
Okay.
[Sighs.]
We lied.
Greg didn't have hernia surgery.
They're our friends.
We should tell them the truth.
Yes, thank you.
The real reason that we couldn't go to dinner last week is [Smacks lips.]
Greg and I were in couples therapy.
Our marriage is not great.
[Sighs.]
So, you two are in couples therapy? She's not being nosy.
That's a professional question.
- She's a doctor.
- I'm not a doctor.
I'm a psychologist.
But she knows how to play doctor.
[Chuckles.]
Now can we go? Richard, pretend to go to the bathroom and play on your phone, like you do at home.
Our marriage has been in trouble for quite some time.
I know it's shocking.
- Is it? - Makes sense to me.
Okay.
Please take your seats for dinner.
Katie, if I could talk to you for a second? We're gonna go talk about our terrible marriage.
So, that's coming clean to your friends? Just another lie? - I had to! - [Whines.]
You couldn't fake a hernia, so I had to pivot! Well, now everyone thinks our marriage is in trouble.
But it's not! You understand how lying works, right? But everyone bought it so easily.
No one was like, "Whaaaat?!" I wanted a "Whaaaat?!" Couples therapy is the perfect lie.
It's personal, so no one will ask any follow-up questions.
I don't like it one bit.
We won, Greg! Take the win! Enjoy it! And remember, we need to fake like we're in a rough patch.
Don't find me as delightful as you usually do.
That won't be hard.
Guys, I'm not trying to be cocky, but I think we did it.
Yeah, great job, Taylor.
But I also went and got this from the attic so we can paint over it.
Now we just need a screwdriver to open the can.
I'll just go downstairs and grab one.
But Mom told us to stay up here.
Trust me she won't even notice.
KATIE: Visible blood! 'Kay.
[Smacks lips.]
Okay! Um, we're gonna have to open the paint can with whatever's in here.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
I'm all out of pencils.
I give up.
[Sighs.]
Come on, Buttercup.
Use those chompers.
[Sighs.]
That's it.
You've embarrassed me in front of my family.
Tonight, you're sleeping with the LEGOs.
And that's how it's done, people.
- Oh, no! - [Gasps.]
Just so you know, what you two are doing is really healthy.
Thanks, but honestly, Katie and I have never been better.
The whole therapy thing is just preventative - like ant traps.
- [Door closes.]
That's a fun topic.
Let's talk about ants.
Did you know they can lift 30 times their body weight? Greg, look, there's no shame in therapy, okay? Some of the most prominent people in Westport see me.
I mean, should the Mayor be ashamed of his sessions? Isn't that a breach of client confidentiality? Shoot.
Don't be hard on yourself, Greg.
Any man would've been worn down by now.
- We totally get it.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, but what exactly do you totally get? Do you two think that I am the reason that we're in therapy? - Katie! - Katie! Greg, tell them that is not the case.
- It's the case.
- Mm.
Can I talk to you in your office for a second? We're gonna continue to talk about our terrible marriage and how it's her fault.
Poor Greg.
Oh, I hate to see them like this, but I love to watch him walk away.
- [Door opens.]
- [Smacks lips.]
Mnh.
"Poor Greg"? It should be "Poor Katie"! We won, Katie.
Take the win.
- Enjoy it! - You like this.
- This is a little victory for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Have your fun, but I just can't stand that they're judging me.
Doris is terrible to Richard, and Angela can't stay in a relationship to save her life.
If we tell the truth now, everyone is gonna think we're crazy.
You started this lie.
Now let's see it through.
Fine! And don't forget to be extra abusive to me so everyone knows that our marital problems are your fault.
That won't be a problem.
It says to blot.
Don't rub, or you'll make the stain worse.
- Can you help, please? - One sec.
I'm trying to get this paint off my Nordstrom's not Rack shirt.
There! It's ruined! Now help! Well, let's see how you like it! Joke's on you.
These are my bib pants! Guys! Holy [bleep.]
! Oh, my God.
It went through the wall.
What do we do now? First, we watch our language.
The drive is just the first leg.
Next up is the train.
If I catch the 7:21, I get into the city at 8:28.
But if I catch the 7:26, I get there at 8:45.
Please tell us more.
Unh-unh.
Stop punishing us by encouraging Richard to talk about his commute.
All we said was that therapy was a good thing! And that I'm the problem.
Right! You get it! Just so you know, you two are the ones who should be in couples therapy.
You can't keep your muskrat in its cage! What does that mean? You are so pretty.
And you bag on your husband constantly! You talk about me? Aww.
Okay, everyone, look.
Katie is projecting.
Sometimes we have pent-up anger, and we choose to lash out.
No! This is not what this is.
I lied.
Greg and I aren't in therapy.
I made the whole thing up just so I didn't have to tell you the truth.
The real reason we canceled is because dinners at your house are the worst! Ah! I'll put any dinner at my house up against this garbage party full of poetry and lies! And I suppose you lied about Greg's ruptured colon to get out of going to that sound bath with me.
Why are you always giving me medical problems? It's so easy to buy! You look disease-y, Greg.
Okay, look, everybody calm down.
You're right.
And to put this in perspective, perhaps a poetry reading.
[All groan.]
I think Anne Sexton said it best You think we're the only ones she lies to? - She forgot about your birthday.
- What? And she threw this dinner party at the last second as a cover.
I don't believe it.
Yeah, I do.
Come on, Richard.
We're leaving.
But it's finally fun! Crissy, let's go.
[Door closes.]
[Light music plays.]
You forgot my birthday and then lied about it.
I did.
But before you get too mad, remember - your blood pressure is high.
- Right.
Wait, is it? I don't know what to believe anymore! I'm glad you decided to come.
- We want to talk about last night.
- Yeah.
I'm confused.
You have a breakfast at home, and then you come here for another breakfast? Why is he not getting this? [Quietly.]
The pretty ones are sometimes slow.
Mnh.
Let's get down to it.
Katie needs to be stopped.
I agree.
Her lying has become a problem for all of us.
She needs to be confronted, and my pal Crissy can help.
Downgraded to "pal" already, huh? Yeah, well, I've been making eyes with the new waitress.
She's Oh.
Nope.
Nope, she's just putting in her contact lens.
My girlfriend, Crissy, can help.
I got your text.
Where's James Van Der Beek? Not here.
This is an intervention.
I shaved above the knee for this? We're here to talk about your lying.
I would love to, but I have to take Greg to his colonoscopy.
You have a real problem.
Katie, please have a seat.
[Sighs heavily.]
Your lying has caused a rift in your relationships, and you need to start telling the truth.
Maybe you need to start telling the truth.
- You're not licensed to do that.
- Fine.
Let's just get this over with.
Okay.
What are some of the lies that you've told Doris, Angela, and Greg? Okay.
Doris, remember you gave me money to bet on red when I went to Foxwoods? I lied.
You didn't lose.
I spent the money on a giant daiquiri.
Now, Doris, remember, what do we say? Thank you for your honesty.
You're welcome.
Angela, remember when you aligned my chakras and I told you it made me less aggravated with my kids? When I got home, I sat on Oliver.
Thank you for your honesty.
Greg, you know how I told you I stopped using veal in the meatloaf because you didn't want to eat little cows? - Don't say it.
Don't say it.
- Didn't stop.
So sad.
So tender.
Katie, why are you lying? You don't seem like the kind of person who's afraid to tell the truth.
No.
I'm not.
I can do some crowd work to prove it.
Hey, you! Laptop! For the last month, I have read that screenplay over your shoulder, and it is terrible.
If you're not afraid to tell the truth to a stranger, then why do you feel the need to lie to us, the people you love? I lie because I love you.
- What? - I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And I want to keep putting veal in my meatloaf.
Katie, you told a lot of truths today.
Are there any truths you haven't told yet? There are.
Doris, I know I have told you that you're too harsh, but the truth is you are the strongest person that I know.
Thank you for your honesty.
And, Angela, I know sometimes I make fun of you for being a softie but you are the kindest person I've ever met.
Thank you, Katie, for your honesty.
And, Greg, the truth is you are the best person that I know.
Period.
I love you.
And I am so sorry that I forgot your birthday.
That's okay.
I love you, too.
And while we're on this truth train, you seem like a nice person, so - get out now.
- Really? Are you gonna cheat on me? Girl, I don't know what you got going on today, but you are looking fine! Mm! If she didn't clean her room, you're going to read her poetry.
Culture should not be a punishment.
But it is.
You ready to show me the room yet? TAYLOR: Come on in! Anna-Kat, do you have any 6s? Sorry, Oliver.
Go fish! Taylor? What did you do? You cleaned your room! Cleaned and reorganized.
Well, technically, "reorganized" implies that it was once organized, but good job, kiddo.
- So good.
- [Chuckles.]
It looks great! How long are we gonna keep this a secret? Until I go to college.
No, until I go to college.
You're both saying the same thing.
[Chuckles.]
Happy birthday! From now on, I won't be such a liar.
- Thanks, babe.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
A coupon for one free intellectual salon.
You can invite all your boring friends.
You can talk about all the crap you want.
- You can wear whatever dumb outfit - Unh-unh-unh-unh.
You know what? To Hell with Crissy.
Maybe a healthy marriage is based on lies.
- Then ours is the best.
- [Chuckles.]
Thanks.
[Sighs.]
Now that Taylor's left, the house feels so empty.
But we can finally do what we want with this room! Let's get rid of this bed and put in a giant hot tub.
What the hell?! What the hell? "Dear Mom and Dad, by the time you read this, the statute of limitations will have run out.
Signed Taylor, Anna-Kat, and Oliver.
" Oh! That explains why Taylor had books in her room.
[Groans.]
Well, this is very troubling.
Mm.
We obviously can't have your salon tonight, Greg.
Then when?!