Batman (1966) s03e17 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
What's this? An ambush outside the home of millionaire Karnaby Katz? Where Catwoman, the Joker, and their evil cohorts lie wickedly in wait for Batgirl and the Caped Crusaders.
Where will we get in touch with you in case we find more clues? Where can I get in touch with you, Batman? Yes, that has been a problem, but we'll manage.
We have before.
Looking for something, Batgirl? Like this spark plug, perhaps? So you didn't leave.
Not only didn't we leave, but neither did our dependable Cats Paws.
Won't she break through that thin twine, Catwoman? I think not, Joker.
Those Cat's Whiskers, a fiendish invention of mine they automatically contract when placed in close contact with the heat of the body.
So in seconds, Batgirl will be strangled to death thereby ridding Gotham City of one-third of the Terrific Trio.
You see, when I do a job, I do it right.
And why didn't we attack them all while we were at it? There are only four of us and three of them.
The odds would be most perturbing.
Finished? Yes, Catwoman.
Soon, so is she.
Ha-ha-ha! Let's get back to the novelty company and plan our next cataclysmic move.
NARRATOR".
Free at last as the sprinkling system has caused the Cat Whiskers to expand .
.
.
rather than contract.
You both look a trifle harassed, sir, if I may say so.
Perhaps this snack will help.
No, thank you, Alfred.
You know I never mix crime-fighting with eating.
Besides, I don't think it'll help us solve our problem with Catwoman and Joker.
-I could force myself to take a bite.
- Yes, commissioner? -Batgirl just called me, Batman.
She wants you to meet her at the intersection of Cattail Lane and Ninelives Alley.
That's behind the novelty manufacturing center of Gotham City.
-She's on the other phone.
- Shall I tell her you'll be there? -By all means.
Right.
Cattail Lane, Ninelives Alley.
The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner.
Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that? An obscure, but nevertheless acceptable, synonym for "cat," Robin.
Let's go.
NARRATOR".
While the Dynamic Duo race back to Gotham City Catwoman and Joker have already put their plan into motion.
This is the map which will lead us to the gunpowder hidden over 200 years ago by Gargon Maltese, the famous crook.
This nightshirt is a map? It's perfectly obvious, Joker.
And thanks to it, we shall steal the gunpowder then blast our way in and out of the federal depository.
Well, it's a funny map without any printing on it.
It's the shape that's persuasive.
This is a chart of Phony Island, located on the southern tip of Gotham City.
Oh, and that X mark's the leeward end, and that's where the stuff is, right? Wrong.
X does not mark the spot.
It's the starting place.
To find the exact location, we must look at the crib.
It's written backwards and, heh-heh, in French.
Giggler, get my mirror.
Laugher, get my French dictionary.
Ooh.
That's the first time I ever heard a cat purr in French.
Skip the flattery, Joker, and give me the translation.
Oh.
"From X on the map, walk 50 meters north, then 50 feet right then try to find the wrong stone.
" Now, what's that supposed to mean? Exactly the opposite of what it says.
The poem said it's a fib.
Therefore, we walk 50 meters south, then 50 feet left to find the right stone.
Oh, it's easy when you know the key.
Well, shall we go? We shall, Joker.
- How about rushing the place, Batman? -Shh.
I think not, Robin.
All they've done so far is stolen a few items, attempted to kill you, me and Batgirl.
No, I think they plan something really big.
Here they come.
Meet us there, boys.
The Kitty Car only holds two.
- They're getting away.
-No, Robin.
I've adjusted the radar on the Batmobile to allow us to trace them.
By tuning in on sonic emanations from their motor we'll be able to stay up to five miles behind them and still know precisely where they are.
We'll stay out of their sight until they reach their destination.
Then and only then will we pounce on them.
To the Batmobile.
What about my Batgirl Cycle? It's hidden around the corner.
We'll pick it up later, Batgirl.
It'll be much faster if we all go together.
Hmm.
Cozy.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, Catwoman and Joker arrive at the Phony Island Lighthouse.
Formerly, a busy bastion of light, but now almost inoperative.
Look for something marked with an X.
I found it.
I found it.
I found the rock with the X mark.
Aha.
Good.
From here on in, it should be a piece of cake.
Now, 50 meters south and 50 feet left.
You know, the only trouble with keeping this lighthouse, Mr.
Keeper is that there isn't enough for a lighthouse keeper to keep keeping.
Mrs.
Keeper, I'm the lighthouse keeper.
- You just keep the lighthouse clean.
-Clean? All I do is vacuum the upstairs bedroom.
What kind of life is that for a stylish, attractive, sophisticated, intelligent woman? Mrs.
Keeper, when you married me, you know'd I was a lighthouse keeper.
- You know'd it'd be a lonely life.
-I thought it sounded romantic.
But there's nothing romantic about shipwrecks and seagulls.
Mrs.
Keeper, we haven't had a shipwreck in two days.
Of course, we haven't.
The light's out in the lighthouse half the time.
You'd think a lighthouse keeper would know how to keep his-- - Just stop talking.
-Stop talking? Then I'd really have nothing to do except vacuum the upstairs bedroom.
Well, at least stop talking to me.
Here, you can talk to our visitors.
Visitors? What visitors? There's a whole bunch of strangers headed in our direction.
Forty-six, 47, 48, 49, 50.
Now 50 feet left.
One, two, three, four Well, what do you know? Company.
I'd better get back upstairs and vacuum the bedroom.
Vacuum the bedroom? What are you going up there for? Every five minutes, you're going upstairs to do some vacuuming.
Forty-six, 47, 48, 49, 50.
Should be around here somewhere unless I counted wrong.
Maybe feet were smaller in those days.
You sure you figured everything? I never make a mistake.
Look what we found upstairs.
Unhand me, you underhanded bully.
Well, what do we have here? I am the lighthouse keeper.
This is my missus, Mrs.
Keeper.
And this is private property.
A lighthouse? Private property? Oh-ho-ho! Well, private public property.
It means you keep off! I think we've heard enough.
Let's get them.
No.
You're kaput.
Finis, defunct.
We're very much not defunct, Joker.
Neither is Batgirl.
This is some sort of perfidious trick.
I'll bet it's done with mirrors.
The mirror is broken, Catwoman.
The last cat has crossed our path.
From now on, all the luck is with us.
Unhand those two helpless people.
Look.
There it is.
The gunpowder.
It's all clearly marked.
- Gunpowder? - Put that match out, you fool.
It's going to explode.
- Let's get out of here.
-There's no time.
Stay calm, everybody.
Stay calm, everyone.
Holy return from oblivion.
We're still alive.
Yes, Robin.
Still alive.
In the split second before the actual detonation of the gunpowder I was able to infuse this one room with Anti-Blast Batpowder.
Oh, very clever.
I should say so.
But what about the upstairs bedroom? I just vacuumed it.
The city will make it up to you.
They'll take the cost of your home out of Catwoman and Joker's prison pay for making license plates.
That's what you say, Batman.
But I say we'll never see the inside of a prison again.
We're certainly never gonna see the inside of the federal depository and all that dough.
Maybe later, Joker.
But for now, I want benefit of counsel.
That's certainly your privilege, Catwoman.
Can I make my one phone call? Just don't try any of your old tricks.
Who are you calling? Lucky Pierre, the world's greatest and luckiest criminal attorney.
He's never lost a case.
- Is it a toll call? -No.
Only local.
This dime should take care of the telephone call, Mrs.
Keeper.
Thanks, Batman.
You're a perfect gentleman.
Hello, Pierre.
This is Catwoman.
C-A-T-W-O-M -A-N.
Batman just caught Joker and me in the middle of a robbery.
Hmm.
Difficult, but not insurmountable for Lucky Pierre.
Now, be still and don't utter a meow.
I'll see you in court.
And if all goes well, knock on wood I'll have you sprung before pussy-willow time.
Not good, huh? Listen, Joker, according to the pretrial briefs there's no way any jury in this world would fail to convict you.
Any jury? Well, almost any jury.
To beat this rap, you'd have to bribe every citizen of Gotham City.
And that takes dough.
Real dough.
Has the jury been chosen yet? Batman is in the anteroom, interviewing them now.
- Batman? -Yeah, Batman.
Because of his familiarity with the case, the DA has allowed him to handle the prosecution.
But I get my chance in a few minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury Uh, gentlemen of the jury we are gathered here today to prove that Catwoman Joker, and their men are guilty of several major offenses.
To wit: robbery, attempted murder assault and battery, mayhem and overtime parking.
I would like to call as my first witness, Little Louie Groovy.
Sure knows how to handle himself in the courtroom, commissioner.
Little Louie Groovy, take the stand.
Would you state your full name, please? Little Louie Groovy.
Mr.
Groovy, on the night of July 22nd of this year were you not robbed of a very valuable nightshirt? And was not assault committed upon your personage? Yeah.
Are the persons who performed these dastardly deeds present in this courtroom? Yeah.
For the record, would you point them out, please? Those cats over there.
The chick with the swinging outfit, the creep with the green hair, and those four clowns.
For the record, witness is pointing to the defendants.
He's so authoritative.
So confident.
The more you work with Batman, the more amazing he seems.
Cross-examination? No cross-examination.
I now call Karnaby Katz to the stand.
No cross-examination.
I call as my final witnesses, Mr.
and Mrs.
Keeper.
And that's your statement, Mr.
Keeper.
That's his statement, not mine.
I had just vacuumed the upstairs bedroom.
And now there's no bedroom upstairs anymore.
- Please, Mrs.
Keeper-- -No.
It's not any place.
That's my statement.
Cross-examination? No cross-examination.
Thank you.
I can't understand his tactics.
He hasn't cross-examined one of my witnesses.
He has something up his sleeve, all right.
They don't call him "Lucky Pierre" for nothing.
This is ridiculous.
Aren't you gonna offer some sort of defense? - I know what I'm doing, Joker.
-Oh! You're doing fine, Lucky.
Keep your cool.
Batman's about to sum up.
Gentlemen of the jury you've heard the evidence of 14 separate witnesses including Robin the Boy Wonder, and Batgirl.
Each one of them corroborating the other's story that those defendants are guilty of all the crimes with which they are charged.
In the interests of law, order justice, good fellowship, and the flag you must convict them to keep our streets safe from evil persons.
Thank you.
- You were great, Batman.
-Sit down, Robin.
Thank you.
- Yes, you learned your lessons well, Batman.
-Begorra.
Lucky Pierre is standing.
He's gonna let us have it now.
The defense waives summation in this case.
We stand on our plea of not guilty and we feel sure that the jury will bear out the truth in this case.
So be it.
Jury's ordered to the jury room for deliberation.
No need for that, Your Honor.
We have already made up our minds.
That's a good sign.
This should be some sort of legal record for convictions by a jury.
We find the defendants, Catwoman Joker, Giggler, Laughter, Smiley and Gus not guilty of any of the charges.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Order in the court.
Order, I say.
There's something very cat-fishy about this whole thing, Batman.
- I think it's a fix.
-That's the way the law is, Robin.
They've received a fair trial and been adjudged not guilty.
Every man is entitled to his day in court.
We must abide by the jury's decision.
Normally, after any case, I never make a statement to the jury.
However, today, I cannot resist.
Never in my 30 years on the Gotham City bench have I ever seen a more callous disregard for the facts in a case.
You are all to be chastised for making a travesty out of the judicial process.
Aw, stow it, judge.
The case is over.
Quit flapping your yap.
Yeah.
That's no foreman, that's Marvin the Moose.
He used to work with Catwoman.
And that second fellow is Dave the Dummy.
He's also worked with Catwoman.
Your Honor, I move for a new trial.
- On which of several grounds? -On the grounds of a prejudicial jury.
You don't know how prejudicial, Batman.
All right, now.
- What now? -You're on your way to prison, Catwoman.
Will you never learn that you cannot outwit the law? Maybe one day I will, Batman, perhaps.
You'll never succeed in circumventing justice, Catwoman.
Not as long as honest and dedicated law enforcers have a breath left.
Oh, forget the morals.
Just get us back to jail, so we don't have to listen to these corny jokes.
But morals are the stuff men are made of.
And until criminals learn that, our job will not be done.
However, if and when they do we'll be only too ready to hang up our capes and cowls.
At least we met some very interesting characters.
Little Louie Groovy, Karnaby Katz, Mr.
and Mrs.
Keeper.
Don't forget Lucky Pierre.
- Yeah.
-Yes.
If he hadn't gone so wrong, he might have had to find career in politics.
Won a gubernatorial race, or the White House even.
I guess it just wasn't in the books.
Speaking of books, I promised I'd call my daughter at the library.
- Ah.
-Bonnie? NARRATOR".
While at the library: Louie the Lilac.
What are you doing here? And what are you doing with that boutonniere? I remember the time you stunned my friend Princess Primrose with an invisible knockout spray.
This is not an invisible knockout spray, Miss Gordon.
It is essence of lilacs.
A scent which I intend to corner the perfume market of Gotham City.
I thought that the police commissioner's daughter should be my first recipient.
Gotham Public Library.
Oh, Daddy, am I glad you called.
You'll never guess who was just in here.
Louie the Lilac? Back in Gotham City? NARRATOR".
And Louie the Lilac is in indeed back in Gotham City and planning much more than just cornering the perfume market as you'll see in our next episode.