Bewitched (1964) s03e17 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen this photograph of the moon's surface was tak en two months ago by a camera aboard an unmanned space capsule.
Today, space technicians at the Cape are hopeful that this view of the moon, and even closer ones will be seen for the first time by human eyes.
Sam, not now.
I'm watching the moon probe.
- What? - I'm watching the moon probe.
When you turn the vacuum on, the set goes flooey.
I can't see! I can't see.
Can't you do that later? I've been waiting for weeks to give the house a thorough cleaning.
These rugs are filthy.
How can you worry about the dirt on the rugs when we're about to see the surface of the moon? The moon could use a vacuuming too, all that dust.
We have now received word from the Cape that the orbit and attitude of the space capsule are perfect.
In a matter of hours, astronauts aboard the spacecraft will have the closest view of the moon ever seen by the nak ed eye, thus bringing nearer the day when men will actually land on the moon.
Honey, why don't you forget about the housework.
Watch this with me.
It's interesting even for a sophisticated witch like you.
Well, I'd like to, darling, but I just can't.
It's like having a ringside seat for the discovery of America.
- Aren't you interested? - Well, certainly I'm interested.
But it's the same elliptical orbit, isn't it? Except this time the pilots will see for themselves the mile-high dust drifts and the lunar craters.
I am more interested in getting the refrigerator straightened out the oven scrubbed, the attic cleaned and the rugs vacuumed.
Anyway l've seen the moon.
She's seen the moon.
She's seen the moon? No, that's impossible.
With her, nothing's impossible.
Larry, I'd like to ask you something.
Is it more important than Jack Nicklaus getting an eagle on a 550-yard 5-par? - What do you think about the moon? - I think it's very nice.
Easy, now.
Stroke it easy.
You've got a downhill lie.
- I mean, about getting there.
- You really want to know what I think? Okay, I'll tell you what I think.
I think that the moon is very important.
But I wish they'd stop spending my money to get there.
Oh, come on, Lar.
Be serious.
I am serious.
Do you realize how big my tax bill is going to be this year? Larry, it's for the advancement of science.
- New frontiers, progress.
- Don't get me wrong.
If they could say "alakazam," snap their fingers and get there, I'd be for it.
Well, that's close.
- What? - Nothing.
I say forget it.
Larry, I know this is going to sound ridiculous but just suppose someone knew of a way of getting to the moon without spending all that money.
What do you think he should do about it? He should go down to the authorities, tell them what he knows.
I think it would be his patriotic duty.
That's what I was afraid you'd say.
But before he does it, I'll tell you what I think he should do.
I think he should go home, take a good, stiff drink a couple of aspirin and try to get some sleep.
Well, Larry, it was just a hypothetical question.
Of course it was.
Furthermore I don't think this person should come to work tomorrow until he's gotten all this stupid nonsense out of his skull! Well, I really got a rise out of you, didn't I? I was just putting you on.
Samantha, it's getting harder and harder to tell the difference between you and an ordinary household drudge.
Well, I'm sorry, Mother, but as long as you insist upon popping in unannounced, you'll just have to take me as I am.
I must say, I can't see where I went wrong.
I brought you up as a proper witch taught you the best incantations.
And here you are, married to a mortal doing the most menial tasks.
A fallen woman.
All right, Mother, out with it.
What's on your mind? I want you to come shopping with me.
That's what this is about, to get me to come shopping with you.
Well, if I'd simply invited you, Samantha, you'd have refused.
I'm afraid I have to anyway.
I can't leave Tabatha.
Well, I've already installed Hagatha upstairs to babysit.
- Mother, I have to clean the house.
- Good.
Now, let's compromise.
I'll let you clean the house as a drudge but only after you come shopping with me.
Well, all right.
But we mustn't be gone more than two hours.
Now, promise.
Marvellous.
We better change, dear.
Mother, wait a minute.
Where are we going? It's Sunday.
All the stores are closed.
Not where I'm taking you.
Follow me.
Nice of you to pop in, ladies.
Oh, Mother.
You didn't tell me we were going to Tokyo.
I'll never trust you again.
Darling, you said yourself the shops were all closed back home.
Here it isn't Sunday.
We've just crossed the International Date Line.
I am so happy to see you again.
- This is my daughter, Samantha.
- How do you do? I am honoured to make your acquaintance, Samantha-san.
Your mother and I have been long-time friends.
I've just come for some of your marvellous tea, Watanabe-san.
Of course.
Just a moment, please.
I keep in back for my special customers.
- He's a warlock? - Tokyo chapter.
And his tea is absolutely out of this world.
After this, we'll go to a marvellous restaurant.
They make the most divine squid mousse.
Well, I guess I should be going home.
I'll see you at the office tomorrow.
- Darrin? - What? That's the closet.
Well, there's nothing like a little trip to Japan to break up the morning.
Now, just let us relax and have a cup of this marvellous warlock tea.
Mother, dear, you are incorrigible.
Now, we've been gone all day, and now you want me to sit down and have tea.
I have to get the house clean.
What am I gonna tell Darrin? Well, tell him our rickshaw got caught in a traffic jam.
I'm certainly not going to mention Japan.
Then don't.
Do you have to give a schedule of where you've been every day, minute by minute? Well, of course not.
It's a Look, if I don't get started with the cleaning, I'll never get done.
You're welcome to stay.
And watch you do battle with grease and grime? No, thank you.
Well, ta-ta, darling.
Enjoy your tea.
Now the vacuuming and the attic.
Oh, I'll never make it.
Vacuum cleaner, I have a problem.
I can spend four hours pushing you around and cleaning the attic in which case I won't have any time to spend with Darrin or I can well, you know, get it all done in a flash and relax for the rest of the afternoon with my husband.
What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? Well, I thought you'd agree.
Now that dusty old attic.
- Sam, I'm home.
- I'll be right there.
Are you still vacuuming? Now, that's what I call really automatic.
Sam? Sam.
I thought we agreed that housework was to be done in the usual manner.
Oh, I must have left the motor on.
You also must have left detailed instructions.
- What happened to you? - I've been upstairs cleaning the attic.
It's very dirty up there, see? Did you clean the attic like you were vacuuming the rug? Oh, Darrin, really.
I just wanted us to have some time together and I thought I wouldn't be finished in time, so A little: Yes, just a little.
By the way, where have you been? I called you from Larry's.
Why are you questioning me like this? I'm not questioning you.
I just wanna know what you did while I was gone.
- Minute by minute? - Any way you like.
Well, let's see.
First, I cleaned the left side of the refrigerator.
- Then I cleaned the right side.
- Sam.
You're deliberately not answering my question.
I do not like being cross-examined by my husband.
- What? What? What is that? - What's what? - That, that.
- Oh, this? - That's Yeah.
- Nothing.
Do you usually wrap nothing in white tissue paper? Darrin, Mother came over and we went out to lunch at a nice little Japanese tearoom.
And that's the last question I'm going to answer until you apologize.
Sam, please.
One more question.
Where did you go? - You want to know where I went? - Yes.
All right, I'll tell you.
To the moon.
And one of these days To the moon.
How are you, Mr.
Stephens? What will it be today? Heartburn, headaches, lower-back pains, nasal congestion? You name it, I can fix it.
It's nothing like that.
I wanna ask a favour.
Well could you analyse these? Analyse? What kind of analyse? Look, Mr.
Stephens.
I'm a druggist, not a chemical engineer.
If I was a chemist, would I be open on Sunday afternoon? That's the point.
The laboratories are closed and I want to find out what this stuff is as soon as possible.
It It's a matter of national importance.
Looks like dust.
It looks like dust.
I want you to find out what that really is.
You mean, you might be allergic? Oh, that's right, Mr.
Grand.
I'm afraid I'm allergic.
And this, by you, is of national importance? Mr.
Grand, just find out what it is.
And this one That's supposed to be tea.
You're a good customer, Mr.
Stephens.
I'll see what I can do.
But I don't promise anything this afternoon.
My wife's brother's coming from out of town and to my wife, he's of national importance.
So I'm closing the store an hour earlier.
As soon as you can.
I'll be by in the morning.
And thank you, Mr.
Grand.
"Darrin since you insist on knowing where I am every minute Tabatha and I went to the market to pick up a few things for dinner.
Any further questions will have to wait until we get home.
Sam.
" It's terrible.
Terrible.
I feel like a stool pigeon an informer.
Spying on my own wife.
What happens if that stuff actually turns out to be from the moon? What do I do then? Report it to NASA? Of course, you know we don't waste time here at NASA.
We're in a race to the moon with the Russians.
We're gonna win, right? - Right, Ed.
- Look, I can't I can't give you these unless you promise not to ask where I got them.
- What is this, Stephens, conditions when the prestige of our country is involved? I can't reveal my s I cannot reveal my sources.
Unless you agree, no deal.
Mr.
Stephens, why should we want to pry into your private affairs? - Why, that's ridiculous, isn't it, Ed? - Of course, ridiculous.
Now, Mr.
Stephens, what's in the envelopes? Well, it looks like house dust and tea, but l House dust and tea, huh? We'll find out about that.
- Run them through the lab, Frank.
- Right, Ed.
Moon dust and lunar tea.
All right, Stephens, that's it.
Where'd you get it? - I can't tell you.
- Cut the jazz, Stephens.
You're in serious trouble.
- Where'd you get it? - I won't tell you.
- Who gave it to you? - No one.
- Does anybody else know about this? - No.
You're lying.
What did you tell him? I said it was his patriotic duty to go to the authorities and tell them everything he knew.
- Tell them, Darrin.
- I can't.
They won't let me watch the golf tournament if you don't tell them.
Don't try to worm out of this.
We know all about you, Stephens.
We have an account of your activities, hour by hour.
Listen, I'm just a simple neighbourhood druggist who has to stay open Sunday afternoons.
Never mind about that.
What about him? Oh, such a nice man.
Lovely wife, an adorable daughter.
Funny name, though.
Who could know that he was a spy? Your wife, what does she know about this? Nothing.
I swear she knows nothing about it.
Then where did you get it? I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate she.
Me.
She is involved.
Bring her in, Frank.
- Right, Ed.
- No! All right, Stephens, who's this woman? - I never saw her before in my life.
- Next.
How about this one? Her, I've seen.
Oh, Darrin, how could you? What's going to become of Tabatha? Sam, I'm sorry.
I tried to protect you, but they wormed it out of me.
We were only gone for a little while.
Mother wanted to get some tea.
You see? You wouldn't listen to me.
That's what comes of marrying a mortal.
They're so nosy and suspicious.
Always wanting to know what you're going to do every minute of the day.
You're right, Mother.
You're absolutely right.
I must admit it.
He was suspicious.
He did ask questions.
- No.
No! - Yes, yes! All right, Mrs.
Stephens, it's time.
Come along, Mrs.
Stephens, it's time.
Oh, no, no.
Not yet, please.
Just one more minute.
NASA can't wait, Mrs.
Stephens.
We're in a race.
It's time.
Leave her alone! It's my fault! For once, you're right, Dagwood.
It is your fault.
Oh, Darrin.
Darrin.
Darrin.
Darrin It's all my fault.
No, no! Darrin.
Darrin, wake up.
Darrin.
Oh, Sam.
Sam! You're You're here.
- They didn't take you.
- Who? - The NASA men.
- NASA men? That's a new one.
Is it anything like bogeyman? Oh, relax, sweetheart.
You just had a bad dream.
- Well, yeah.
Where's Tabatha? - She's upstairs, asleep.
- What were you dreaming about? - Well, the NASA men.
The space agency.
They were giving me the third degree about where did I get the moon dust.
- Moon dust? - Yeah.
And your mother was there, and Larry Tate was there, and Grand - Grand! - What's grand? Max Grand, the druggist.
I gave him the dust and the tea to be analysed.
Sam, why did you go to the moon, especially after we just talked about it? - Darrin, are you sure you're awake? - Come on, Sam.
While I was at Larry Tate's this morning you and your mother went to the moon.
When you came back you were covered with moon dust and had that package of lunar tea.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
And when I came back When I came back and I said: "Samantha, where have you been?" Did you not say, and I quote: "To the moon"? Darrin, if I told you I'd been to the North Star, would you believe me? - I was only kidding.
- Sam, when any other woman says: "I've been to the moon," you figure it's a figure of speech.
When you say, "I've been to the moon," that's something else altogether.
When I saw that dust, I knew you'd been to the moon.
Mother came by and she insisted I go shopping with her.
Shop? Sam.
It's Sunday.
All the stores are closed.
Not in Japan.
In Japan, it's Monday.
And that's where we went, and that's all there is to it.
Japan? Are you asking me to believe that? You believe I went to the moon, and you don't believe I went to Japan? You said you went to the moon.
Only because I was so annoyed at you for asking so many silly questions.
Then you haven't been to the moon? Not recently, no.
Sam.
I swear and affirm that I have not left the Earth today.
Really? - "Really" really? - "Really" really.
Oh, darling, that's marvellous.
I don't even feel so bad about being such a fool with Mr.
Grand.
Imagine, giving him ordinary house dust to analyse.
- I bet he thinks you're spooky.
- Yeah.
Ordinary house dust and ordinary Japanese tea.
Darrin.
Darrin, it isn't ordinary Japanese tea.
What? What is it, then? It's It's warlock tea.
It's warlock tea.
It's warlock tea! - Oh, Sam! - Well, Darrin Mr.
Grand is gonna analyse it and he's going to think I don't know what.
Well, I don't think there's anything to worry about.
He'll just think it's something he's never seen before and that'll be the end of that.
- Yeah.
I hope you're right.
I don't think you're right.
Hello? Mr.
Stephens, about that matter of national importance the stuff that looks like house dust? It is house dust.
No microfilm, no nothing.
Just house dust.
Well, thank you for your trouble, Mr.
Grand.
But that other stuff, the stuff that looks like tea That was a mistake.
That is tea.
That's where you're wrong.
I put it through every test I've got.
And there's something in it that is definitely not tea.
I even showed it to my brother-in-law, the one from Nassau.
NASA? Your brother-in-law's from NASA? Yeah.
He's visiting us for the weekend with the kids.
Mr.
Grand, don't do another thing.
Just forget it.
You've gone to enough trouble.
No trouble at all.
Look, we've got to pass your place on our way home.
We'll drop it off.
See you in a few minutes.
Mr.
Grand Sam, I wish you'd go upstairs and let me handle this.
Well, no.
I think it'll sound more logical coming from me.
- Keep your fingers crossed.
- They are.
Mr.
Grand, I want to apologize for causing you so much trouble especially since it was all an accident.
My mother's always been fond of home remedies.
You know how old-fashioned some mothers can be.
When she discovered that Darrin was allergic to dust she just had to give him one of her favourite home remedies.
She said it was some special kind of tea.
But Darrin's always been suspicious of home remedies.
That's why he gave it to you to analyse.
Well, it turns out that it's not tea at all.
No, no.
I talked to Mother, and she admitted that it was a special blend of herbs and spices that she got from a Japanese herbalist.
Now, I know they do come up with some strange concoctions.
- Lady.
- Yes? This stuff is more than strange.
Hey, what happened? There's no wind tonight.
Oh, it does come up suddenly sometimes, doesn't it? Oh, what a shame.
That was the last of it, too.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Stephens, I want you to meet my brother-in-law Harry Kahn, from Nassau.
- Hello.
How do you do.
You mean you don't have more of this? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid you'll just have to go back and tell them at the space agency.
What space agency? I own a string of cut-rate drugstores.
You mean you're not from NASA? Sure.
Nassau County, Long Island.
What's the matter with him? Oh, it must be his allergy.
Night air.
Very bad, you know.
Thank you so much, Mr.
Grand.
Mr.
Kahn, it was nice meeting you.
- Good night.
- Yes, nice meeting - Darrin, are you all right? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on.
I'll fix you a nice cup of tea.
No! No tea.
But how about a moonlight cocktail? Darrin? Come look at the lady in the moon.
What moon? Besides, it's a man in the moon.
How do you know it's a man? Everybody knows it's a man.
Just look at it.
Could be a lady.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you something.
You said that you hadn't been to the moon today but you didn't say that you'd never been to the moon.
Well, have you? - Have I what? - Been to the moon ever? Darrin, you don't want to know everything about me, do you? I mean, there are some things a wife should not tell a husband.
And whether or not she has been to the moon is one of them.