Call Me Kat (2021) s03e17 Episode Script

1
Wow, we are getting a lot
of love on Yelp lately.
"Kat's Café makes the
best keto smoothies in town.
"Special shout-out to
Randi, great service,
hot enough to be a basketball wife."
Yeah. I wrote that.
I got high last night
and posted a bunch of 'em.
I was gonna write that I
could have been a lady Avenger,
but that just felt like bragging.
"Three stars. Nice café, but
avoid the lady with glasses
if you're tight on time. She
doesn't know when to stop."
Posted by LadyAvenger.
You know, it's so lame how
people hide behind a keyboard,
but it is something to think about.
KAT: Oh, hey, what are
you doing down here?
Getting Martin Scatsese away from me.
I woke up, he's staring at me.
Got out of the shower,
he's staring at me.
Danced like nobody's watching,
guess who's staring at me.
He just got fixed yesterday,
so he can't be down
here with the other cats.
He might have caught
something at the vet.
And when you dance, remember
that our window is visible
from the Chipotle across the street,
so maybe dance like Garret's watching.
That explains why he's
always giving me free chips.
Are you sure Marty can't
stay down here with you?
Yes, please take him back up there
and remind him that
BDE comes from within.
- Hello, all.
- KAT: Hello.
- RANDI: Oh, hey, Sheila.
- MAX: Hey, Sheila.
Katharine, don't you look cute today.
Really?
What do you like?
Well, there's your, um
Randi, help me out.
How 'bout her shirt?
- She's not gonna buy that.
- (CHUCKLES)
Mother, what do you want?
I've been applying for
jobs, so if anyone calls
and asks about my time as
a flight attendant in 1974,
tell them I'm why they called
it "the friendly skies."
Why are you looking for a job?
Valley Hills is turning out to
be more expensive than I thought.
Apparently, the "all
you can drink" package
doesn't mean "all I can drink."
Well, that's why Carter
and I like Red Lobster.
"Unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits" means
unlimited Cheddar Bay Biscuits, bitch.
I'm confused. I thought
you had plenty of money.
Yes, but with inflation,
it makes it harder to
maintain my lifestyle.
My financial advisor says I
should give up my country club.
That's the problem with your generation.
You kids want everyone
to be as poor as you are.
Well, what kind of job
are you looking for?
I know there are life coaches,
are there life critics?
Well, I'm looking for something
entry-level, maybe in retail.
And if it doesn't work out,
I can always sleep with my boss
and make him buy my silence.
The same advice you gave at
my sixth grade career day.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪
Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪
- Mmm, looks good.
- Yeah.
Now, I know you're skeptical
about vegetarianism,
so I have made two sauces,
one with meat and the
other with meat substitute.
- See if you can tell which one
- This one. This one has meat.
Bu-But you didn't even
taste the other one
Don't need to. This one has meat.
Meat is good.
He's doing it again.
Oh. Give him a break.
He just had surgery.
Imagine if someone hacked the ornaments
off your Christmas tree.
- Hello.
- MAX: Hey, Sheila.
(GROANS) Mother, can you please stop
entering our apartment without knocking?
We could be doing the, you
know, electric boogaloo.
Until you're mature enough
to use the word "sex,"
you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
You want to join us?
This sauce has meat.
It's really good. Because of the meat.
No, I don't want to interrupt.
We can talk after.
Okay, this is freaking me out.
I'm gonna eat in the bedroom.
Seriously, Marty?
Now I can't eat in my underwear.
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
What do you want, Mother?
Oh, no, no, please, finish
your trough of simple carbs.
It's fine. They'll be better cold.
I applied for over a dozen jobs,
didn't even get an interview.
It's a sad day in America
when no one will hire a woman
just because she's in her late 40s.
(SIGHS)
Well, maybe your
financial advisor's right.
Maybe it's time to give
up the country club.
It's really just you eating
lunch with other women
whose faces don't move.
Oh, honey, these are trophy wives.
We're not eating lunch,
we're drinking it.
And that club is where
I met your father.
We got married there.
And now that he's gone,
it's where I feel closest to him.
I had no idea.
That's so sweet.
I can't believe no one
will even give me a chance.
- (SIGHS)
- Okay.
I've got an idea, and
it's probably stupid.
MAX: If it's what I think it
is, it's definitely stupid.
What if you worked at the café?
MAX: And there it is.
Really?
Hang on a second, let me
swallow this feeling of dread.
Yeah, it could be fun.
MAX: That's what Lincoln
said about the play.
Ooh.
- It is about to get real.
- (CHUCKLES)
Uh-oh, no condoms.
Are you serious?
Let me check under my Bible.
Oh, come on, Lord, do me a solid.
Dang it! (SCOFFS)
You can turned water into wine,
but you can't turn this
ChapStick into a condom?
How are we out? You love buying 'em.
You even peel the sticker
off and demand they do
a price check over the speaker.
Well, what's the point of having sex
if you can't let all your
friends at ValuMarket know?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, baby.
I know how much you wanted all of this.
Why are we still messing
around with condoms, anyway?
Maybe I should just
get back on the pill.
You hated that.
It messed with your hormones,
made you gain weight.
Although that extra junk was
perfectly arranged in your trunk.
Maybe we should talk
about getting a vasectomy.
Wow, that's a huge step.
Well, I know I don't want another kid.
I mean, you haven't
changed your mind, have you?
No. I mean, I like kids,
but I'm happy with the way things are.
Plus, I already have a child in my life.
Don't call me a child just
because I like cartoons,
water balloon fights, baby shampoo,
the circus and SpaghettiOs.
I was talking about CJ,
but you do still clap whenever
you see a train going by.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Little man is the best thing
that ever happened to me.
It'd just be tough to
do it again at my age.
I mean, I can't learn the
slang of another generation.
I just learned "skrrt!"
So, it sounds like we're
doing the vasectomy.
All right, cool.
Now we just got to figure out
which one of us is gonna get it.
(IMITATES FANFARE)
Sheila Silver, it is my
great honor to bestow upon you
- this Kat's Café apron.
- (SIGHS HEAVILY)
Wear it in good health,
machine wash cold
and don't try and sell it
on eBay it's watermarked.
An apron?
When God gives you a Lamborghini,
you don't put it under a tarp.
Yes, I like the way you think, Sheila.
Lady Avenger is gonna love you.
Uh F-Fine. Fine.
Well, I-I have just declared
today Apron-Free Friday.
- So, thank you both for complying with my policy.
- (CHUCKLES)
All right, Mother, I have
thrown a lot at you this morning,
but let's have some fun with the
Kat's Cat Café employee manual.
I'm not reading that.
Oh, you don't have to read it.
I also recorded it as an audiobook.
I do all the voices of the cats.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT): Like a-a
famous Russian Anna Cat-nokova.
She explains sick day policy.
I can't help but feel you're
wildly overcomplicating this job.
Oh, really? Oh, so you think it's easy
to make a medium flat white,
half oat milk, half two percent,
with an extra shot and
a Splenda, finished off
with a signature foam cat face?
Gordon Ramsay, if you ever
want to do a show about coffee,
I'm on Fox, you're on
Fox, let's make it happen.
I can make cocktails in my sleep.
- I think I can handle this.
- (SCOFFS)
Seriously, I have woken up
with a perfect martini in my hand.
That's when the doctor
cut off my Ambien.
Hey, I have to duck
out a little early today
to go to the doctor with Carter.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT): Mm, use personal
day, does not count as sick day.
(NORMAL VOICE): Is everything okay?
Yeah, it's just a
consultation for a vasectomy.
I just want to be there
so I can see his face
when he finds out exactly what that is.
Wow, pulling the trigger on a vasectomy.
Well, I guess not pulling
the trigger so much
- as, like, unloading the gun.
- (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, Carter doesn't really
want to have any more kids.
And what do you want?
Well, I guess I always
thought I would have kids,
but my life just turned out different,
and Carter and I have
a good thing going.
Good for you.
Children add nothing to your life
you can't get from a good
magazine subscription.
Mmm. This is really good.
But, uh, the foam art doesn't
look anything like a cat.
That's because it's
a middle finger, boss.
Excuse me, could I get a straw?
Oh, you don't want one.
They're all paper.
My daughter thinks
she's saving the planet
by ruining your drinking experience.
Feel good knowing
that you are protecting
the delicate ecosystem of the ocean.
But she's right suck fast,
they turn to mush like that.
What up, Kat? I grabbed your mail.
If your ValuPak is missing
the Souplantation coupon,
I hear that's been happening a lot.
Oh, hey.
Postcard from Phil. Max, your turn.
- Oh, look, they're in Australia.
- (GASPS)
(IMITATING PHIL): "G'day, y'all!"
(NORMAL VOICE): "Jalen and I
made friends with the fellas
from Thunder Down Under,
so we decided to visit.
Max, we showed 'em your
picture, and you have a job
- if you ever want one."
- (LAUGHTER)
Ooh, Thunder Down Under.
I'd like to get a look
at their didgeridoos.
(IMITATING PHIL): "Tell Sheila
their didgeridoos do not disappoint.
(NORMAL VOICE): Send my
love to Carter and Randi."
Aw, I miss Phil.
- He said my name first, he likes me more.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Did he say anything about me?
- Uh, yeah, take a look.
Oh. Uh, "Kat, send my last paycheck.
These boys from down
under don't want to see me
- in the same thong every night."
- (LAUGHS)
Oh, babe, we should get going.
- Oh. Good luck.
- Ooh, yeah.
And after, I was thinking we can
grab dinner from Souplantation.
Sadly, I do not have a coupon,
so it will cost us full price.
Aw. Who's this new guy?
Uh, I have no idea,
he's not one of ours.
Oh, I saw him wandering around out back,
and he looked kind of pathetic,
so I figured he'd fit right in.
Wait, you just found a stray cat
and threw him in with gen pop?
You can't do that. We
have quarantine protocols.
Well, how am I supposed to know that?
It's page one of the employee
manual, also track one.
Whiskers McGee, the Irish cat, sings:
Don't take in a stray,
until they get a spray ♪
They've got bugs and
germs and sometimes worms ♪
So give it three or four days, meow. ♪
Oh, man. They should have
these at Souplantation.
Boom, got my turkey chili.
Boom, hitting the garlic bread station.
Boom, back at the table.
And then boom, eating alone.
Hello, Carter, Randi.
Good to see you again.
Hi, Dr. Colman.
Uh, can you tell him what a vasectomy is
and who has to get it?
Wait, hold on. All right, we good.
Well, actually,
before I refer you to a urologist,
I'd recommend one more test.
- Okay, here comes the upselling.
- Mm-hmm.
You are worse than my weed guy.
If it's half-off, neither
one of us wants it, Reggie.
No, I noticed your
father had colon cancer
and your blood work came
back with some things
that I want to follow up on.
Oh, Lord, is this how I go?
I'm too young to die!
Randi, you better not
fall in love again.
I don't want that for you.
Okay, relax, you're not gonna die.
Oh, I swear to God, I
will haunt your fine ass.
Doctor, what's going on? Is it serious?
We just want to be on the safe side.
I'm referring you to Dr.
Monroe for a colonoscopy.
Aw, hell no.
I don't even like getting
my regular picture taken.
I understand your concern,
but this is a simple,
outpatient procedure.
And I'm sure Reggie can
help with your recovery.
Easy for you to say.
You're not the one getting the
camera shoved down his throat.
- Actually the camera goes
- No, no, no.
Don't ruin the surprise.
Excuse me, I've been waiting
20 minutes for a vanilla latte.
Right, sorry. I'm not ignoring you.
You are a very valuable customer.
I just, I completely
forgot all about you.
Hey, you feel like Mexican for dinner?
I think I can twerk my
way into a family pack.
Um, I'd really rather
you clean some tables,
maybe change the litter,
and I have seen you twerk,
- it's, like, worth maybe a veggie taco at best.
- (SCOFFS)
Well, where's Sheila and Randi?
Uh, Randi's with Carter
and my mother is MIA.
Fine. But for the record,
my milkshake brings all
the girls to the yard.
Ooh, I'm just in time.
Mother, where have you been?
You left for lunch over two hours ago.
I was working. Your
coffee vendor, Arturo,
came in earlier and I took him to lunch,
lunch turned into drinks,
and drinks turned into
he's taking me salsa
dancing next weekend.
Uh, how is that "working?"
It's called the art of
the schmooze, darling.
If I tickle his beans, you'll
get a discount on yours.
I did not hire you to
date the coffee vendor.
How much of a discount?
Where do you want these?
Um, you can just put 'em Uh, wait
Why are you itch Why am I itching?
BRANDI: Oh, my God, is that a flea?
KAT: A flea?!
W-we don't have fleas, Brandi.
'Cause if we had fleas I'd be itching
my leg and my arm and
the back of my neck,
but look, it's I'm fine. Nothing.
And then there's your
latte. There you go.
It's on the house. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, God.
- How are you not itching?
Between the gin and the
Botox, I can't feel a thing.
Look at this. I was
reading this article.
It says one of the signs of colon cancer
is passing excessive amounts of gas.
I think I had this since I was a kid.
Okay, you got to stay off WebMD.
This is like the time you
had a cyst on your shoulder
and convinced yourself you
were growing a second head.
Yeah, but when it popped, I
felt like I lost a brother.
Carter Two never got to see the ocean.
You're worrying about bad news
that you're probably never gonna get.
Yeah, but you don't know that, Randi.
I mean, it runs in my family,
like great hair and a smile
that makes people want to hug me.
Just because something
runs in your family
doesn't mean you're gonna get it, too.
I mean, look at my sister
she ugly and I'm hot.
I just can't stop thinking about my dad
and everything that he went through.
I can't get sick, Randi.
I got too much I want to do.
Teach CJ how to drive.
Dance with you at our wedding.
We're supposed to grow
old with each other.
And we will because they're
not gonna find anything.
And if they do, we're gonna deal with it
like we deal with
everything else: together.
Yeah, I guess.
No, look at me.
I love you.
And I'm gonna take care
of you no matter what.
Thank you, baby.
- Uh-oh.
- What's going on?
Laxative's kicking in.
Hey phone, play ocean
sounds really loud.
Do we really have to do all of
this just 'cause of some fleas?
Yes, we have a very strict protocol.
This is a Code Meow.
We're gonna disinfect everything,
deflea and isolate Kitten Kaboodle
that's right, I named him.
Do we have any more garbage
bags for these pillows?
Oh, no, those are fine,
I already vacuumed them.
Oh, this is not flea-related.
They're just ugly.
So far, I have found a dozen
fleas and a cigarette butt.
This cat has seen some things.
Don't blame K.K. for all of this.
It's not his fault. Is it, Mother?
Mm. I'd say the fault lies with
whoever had the brilliant
idea to combine a café
with America's least favorite pet.
(LAUGHS) Mm-mmm.
For your information, there are
58 million pet cats in America,
and that number is
probably underreported
because some very normal
ladies are ashamed to admit
how many they have.
That's a good point.
Sometimes I'm ashamed to
admit I have a daughter.
Oh, yeah?
Dad said Marci Connor's
boobs were nicer than yours.
All right, let's-let's all calm down.
- Let's take a deep breath
- No!
I've had it up to here
with your attitude.
Ever since I hired you,
you've been undermining me
and insulting me nonstop.
I thought that was our thing.
What am I not getting?
What you're not getting
is that when you're here
I'm not just your
daughter, I'm your boss.
I would appreciate you
treating me with respect.
I'll treat you with respect
when you've done something to earn it.
You know I hired you as a favor, right?
How am I supposed to take you seriously?
You're literally dressed as garbage.
Okay, that does it. You're fired.
- What?
- That's right!
And no exit interview.
You'll never know
what pluses and minuses
you brought to this team.
What are you looking at? You're next.
I don't even work here.
That's it! You're gone!
Carter.
Baby, wake up.
We only have 15 more
minutes left on free parking.
If you don't get up, it's
gonna be four dollars.
- Oh. I'm up. I'm up.
- (CHUCKLES)
Well, I have good news for you.
The doctor didn't find anything.
Oh. So, no cancer?
(SIGHS) Thank God.
Yep, you have a clean bill of health.
So looks like I'm stuck
with you forever. (LAUGHS)
You're so good to me.
I don't deserve you.
Oh, so the anesthesia is wearing off.
You're thinking straight.
I never met anyone like you.
Aw.
Maybe this is gonna sound crazy
What would you think if
we did start a family?
What?
I thought you didn't want to.
I know.
But after going through all this,
seeing how sweet, caring
and loving you are
it made me think
how lucky a kid would be
to get to call you Mom.
Carter.
But only if you want to.
Okay.
We'll talk about it.
Great.
So, postpone the vasectomy?
Aw, damn, too late.
I told them to do it
while you were under.
What? But we didn't agree
which one of us was gonna get it!
What are you doing?
I'm working.
The cats are fed, the
pastries are stocked,
and Arturo is one tasteful nude away
from giving you ten percent
off your next coffee order.
Uh, I'm pretty sure I fired you,
and based on the number
of times that I listened to
"Boss Bitch" afterwards,
I was feeling really good about it.
After I went home,
I got a call from one of
the jobs I applied for.
They asked me what
kind of employee I was.
I said I was reliable, punctual,
a team player, hardworking.
Were you applying for
a job at the firm of
Liar, Liar and Pants on Fire?
That's just it.
When I was younger, I
was all those things.
I mean, I was a working woman
in a time when it was very
hard to be taken seriously.
And I took pride in showing the world
that pretty girls could contribute, too.
I was just as good
as any of those uggos.
Yeah, life certainly is
stacked against the beautiful.
Thank you.
But the point is
I realized I hadn't been
that kind of employee for you.
And that made me feel
Guilty?
Ah, I'm not sure. This is all so new.
You did do me a favor, and
I didn't treat you very well.
You started this cat café
and made it last three years,
which seems both impossible
and worthy of my respect.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
You're not just my daughter,
you're a business owner.
And, dare I say it,
a boss bitch.
Well, in that case
Welcome back.
I already called you a boss bitch.
Don't make me call you a bitch, boss.
("PHARMACIST" BY 504ICYGIRL PLAYING)
All these little need
to stay up out my mix ♪
Every time they see me out ♪
All my diamonds make 'em sick ♪
Yeah, I'm still serving,
they know I'm a pharmacist ♪
All these people wanna be
me, tryna study my technique ♪
I don't gotta flex on
these , they go notice ♪
I ain't choose this life,
lil' , I was chosen ♪
In and out the bank, now
they think my money stolen ♪
And I'm weighing so much
pack got the scale broken ♪
Big boss so the
opps be so jealous ♪
I'm-a keep eating, that
why these anorexic ♪
Ain't no falling off 'cause
I'm way too connected ♪
What I spent on my necklace is
what I made before breakfast. ♪