Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e17 Episode Script

Synced and corrected By Katniss Everdeen Come on, Gracie and Freddy, say, "Da-Da.
" Say "Avery.
" Say "Now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this son of York.
" Now say, "I'd like to dedicate this Tony award to my father who instilled in me a love of theater from a very young age.
" Stan, you've been trying to get the puppies to talk for weeks now.
Are you going to be disappointed if they never do? Avery, these are my children.
I will love them unconditionally.
If they don't talk, they'll win the Tony for lighting design.
Do I want to know? Wait a minute, are you just assuming we came from doing something ridiculous? Yes.
Then you'd be correct.
I discovered that Chloe's a mastermind at coming up with crazy fun things to do.
Like just now at the park playing Tic-Tac-Tourist.
Just stand here.
After we're done, the winning team gets to buy lunch for Hollywood's latest teen heart-throb.
Yeah, I'm better-looking in person.
Tyler, if you want a sister with ideas for fun things to do, there's a walking tour of the Botanical Gardens that Okay, never mind.
There's an Ernst Lubitsch marathon at the Moving on.
Oh! The Getty Museum has a new tapestry exhibit.
Why am I still talking? If you want fun things to do, you can play with the puppies.
True, they're not very interesting yet.
All they do right now is eat, sleep, and Da-Da sometimes like to bounce on a pillow.
Ahhh! Gracie talked! Gracie talked! Oh, my goodness! This is amazing! I can't believe it.
Da-Da.
How do you guys deal with this? It's a little freaky seeing words come out of a dog's mouth.
There's finally another talking dog in the world and it's my own daughter! Although when she becomes a teenager and starts to talk back to me, I might not be so excited.
Listen, young lady, I don't care if it is a full moon, If you wanted to be nocturnal, you should've been born a possum.
You're dating one?! Oh, where did I go wrong? But even before that challenge arises, there was one other little problem we had to deal with I can't believe Gracie can talk.
I knew she could do it! Figures it's the girl.
Wait.
What if someone else hears Gracie talking? Freddy! Get off that turntable.
Stan, what's my DJ equipment doing in the kitchen? It's not in the kitchen.
It's in Pasadena's hottest new club Kitchen.
Hollywood's latest teen heart-throb's at my club! This is gonna be great for business.
Guys.
Guys! As much as I want to know how you did all this, and ask why you didn't do it for my birthday party we have a bigger problem.
Gracie is talking.
If anyone sees her, she'll be taken away and experimented on.
Just like with me.
Great.
Now we have another secret to keep.
And it'll be even harder this time since Gracie isn't old enough to realize she can't talk in front of anyone but us.
Well, until she learns, I will not take my eyes off my puppies.
I will be diligent, I will be vigilant, I will be I like talking to you.
You always listen.
Plus, it helps you grow.
And I like playing with you because I'm tired of the kids always beating me.
Oh, come on! Da-Da.
No, no, sweetie, it's "Ma-Ma.
" Wait, what?! Did you hear that? Bennett, you'll never guess what happened.
A husband working from home unsuccessfully tried to get coffee without being ambushed by his wife? No, that's what's happening.
I'm talking about what happened.
A minute ago on the patio, Gracie made a sound that sounded exactly like "Da-Da.
" Ellen, that's not that strange.
The Internet is full of videos of dogs barking in ways that sound like words.
There's a corgi in Texas whose bark sounds like "Howdy, y'all!" Sure, it's a regional stereotype, but it's still adorable.
No, you have to hear this.
Come on, do it again, Gracie.
Yeah.
Look, I have to get back to work.
But tonight after dinner, let's talk about a hobby for you, hmm? Ugh.
And maybe talk about getting a new coffee pot.
Gracie, you're making me look bad.
Da-Da.
Dang it! She did it again.
She barked "Da-Da.
" Listen.
I swear, the bark sounded like someone talking.
Have you ever heard of something that sounds like a person but with no human intelligence behind it? Come on, Gracie, work with me.
Da-Da.
Seriously?! The dog talks.
The dog talks! I also see adult patients from time to time.
Since you'll only sound like a person in front of me, I'm gonna get you on video to show Bennett I'm not imagining things.
Okay, tour group that was Kitchen, the hottest new club in Pasadena.
Now who wants to clean the room of Hollywood's latest teen heart-throb? Well, at least his room is getting cleaned.
I got you a treat, yes, I did, but you gotta earn it.
Say, "Da-Da.
" "Da-Da.
" "Ooh, good job, Ellen!" This is surprisingly tasty.
Chicken and salmon together.
I would not have thought.
And it cleans my teeth? Ahh, you're not gonna do it, are you? That's it.
I give up.
Da-Da.
Yes! I knew if I hung in there long enough, you'd do it! The puppy talks! The puppy talks! Mama's not crazy.
Mama's not crazy.
Ooh! Get outta my shot.
Well, Stan, did you manage to keep the puppies away from Mom and Dad? Relax, Avery.
Everything went great.
Gracie got away at one point, but I'm pretty sure no damage was done.
Hey, Avery, your mom heard Gracie speak.
Ahhhh! No, no, no, sweetie.
Dogs can't really talk.
It's just a weird bark that makes it sound like the dog is talking.
Whew! Ahhhh! See? Stan has a weird bark, too.
Whew! The funny part is, your mom made a video of Gracie barking "Da-Da" and put it on the Internet.
Ahhh! I know, right? I was pretty shocked that your mom knew how to post anything to the Internet, too.
Tell me about it.
My wife can't even set the DVR.
Wow! Your mother really knows how to kick it old school.
Well, the video has only received And the good news is all the comments say "fake.
" Except for this one comment by DrBennettJamesPhD1234, which says "first.
" Oh, you're checking out that video Mom posted? I can't believe Dad wrote "first.
" He was, like, tenth.
I don't think he knows what that means.
Do I want to know? Wait a minute.
Are you just assuming we came back from doing something ridiculous? This time you're wearing gorilla costumes! You are observant.
Chloe came up with another crazy fun thing to do.
We ran through the zoo like we just escaped.
And next time we're gonna try it in these costumes.
Well, while you guys were buying bananas at the grocery store in those costumes How'd you know? Well, that's what I would've done.
So while you guys were doing that I was very effectively teaching Gracie how to be quiet.
Quiet.
Oh, my gosh, I just taught her another word! I'm such a fool! Quiet, fool.
This is bad.
Now people can't write off "Da-Da" as a weird bark if they hear her say other stuff.
Can you get Gracie to stop talking, Stan? I've tried, but she doesn't understand.
Quiet, fool.
She understands how to be sassy.
Now we really to have to keep Gracie away from people.
Kids, I have big news.
News so big I'm going to ignore the fact that you are apparently monkeying around without me.
Ha ha! Good one, Ell No! No time.
Graham Cavanaugh, host of Night Night with Graham Cavanaugh, saw my video with Gracie and wants us on his show.
Graham's producer said that even though there are lots of videos where it sounds like dogs are talking, what really drew them to mine was that they also thought I was funny.
Isn't that great, guys? Millions of people watch Graham's show! Millions of people are gonna see Gracie? Yeah, yeah.
Her, too.
Guys, your mom and Gracie are gonna be on Night Night with Graham Cavanaugh.
This is terrible.
Since it's about my puppies, I'm gonna take over here.
We need a plan! We need a plan so crazy it just might work.
This plan should be very smart.
Come on, Avery.
Everyone else is contributing.
What's wrong with you? I'm trying to think of an actual plan instead of just saying stuff.
Some people help.
Some people just make excuses.
Some people just make excuses.
Boy, that could get really annoying if she starts repeating everything we say.
You're right, Gracie, that was a hacky set-up.
Hacky? That's it.
What if Mom does her comedy? We'll encourage her to steal the show and take all the attention away from Gracie so Gracie will never have a chance to say anything on camera.
The producers did tell Mom she was funny for some reason.
Good plan, Tyler.
I came up with the plan.
Hmm, I don't remember it that way.
Starts repeating everything we say.
Timing.
This is pretty exciting, hon.
The only time I've been on TV is when I was on the Kiss Cam at a baseball game.
Unfortunately, I was right next to the San Diego Chicken.
I was spitting feathers till the fifth inning.
Ellen Jennings? I'm Leslie Lindemulder, producer.
Welcome to Night Night.
I see you brought your family.
All of them.
Including an additional dog.
Wonderful.
You know, I've always wanted to be on TV, because as a child, I was denied watching it in favor of marionette shows.
Little known fact about me, I was raised by bitter puppeteers.
I'll be right back.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie brought their kids.
They ate all the candy in the green room, and now they're somewhere in the duct work.
Did you say "duct work" or "duck work?" Because I'm known for my duck work.
They're so adorable at this age, aren't they? You know, this could be a big night for you, Mom.
A lot of famous careers have started out on late night television.
Remember, you do all the talking.
No one wants to hear a dog talk.
They want to hear you.
Look at her being all cute, trying to steal your thunder.
She is, isn't she? It is time for the world to discover what we've always known you are smart, funny, talented Why does your breath smell like chicken and salmon? You know, maybe I could talk to Graham about all the viral videos I've starred in.
My Donkey Laugh Lady commercial, that Halloween I got so scared I fear puked, "Linguini Limbs.
" Linguini Limbs? I'm a star.
A big, hot, gassy ball of wonderful.
Wait, you put Linguine Limbs online? Yeah.
Oh! "First.
" You are not first! All righty.
I got those Jolie-Pitt kids get out of the ducts.
I promised them they could braid my hair.
Now my Saturday's all set.
Speaking of kids, I'm a renowned child psychologist and author.
If you need an additional guest, I brought a copy of my book to plug.
That won't be necessary.
Don't you think this would look good in Graham's hands as he points it towards, I believe, camera two? We definitely have a spot for this.
Now let's go get you ready.
Okay.
If your mom becomes a famous comedienne after this and gets her own sitcom about a talking dog, I better get to audition as the wacky neighbor.
"Whoa, Ellen! You have a talking dog?" My next guests are a homemaker and a puppy who have captured the hearts of at least 200 people on the Internet.
But tonight, they'll be introduced to two million people.
Wait, who does Jon Stewart have on? Someone from the U.
N.
? Four million people! All right, please welcome Ellen Jennings and Gracie! Hey! Right over here.
That puppy has the cutest little face.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Hmm.
Okay, then.
Anyway, I've prepared a routine I'd like to do right now.
I was kind of hoping to hear the puppy talk, and not from that end.
Great, thanks.
Cameraman, follow me.
It's working.
Mom is taking all the attention away from Gracie.
Chloe! What? We hear Mommy's jokes all the time.
Fine.
Can't believe I'm on national TV.
I always thought it was a remote possibility.
Ha ha! Good one, Ell El Oh, no! Her own stomach is heckling her.
Mom, are you about to fear puke? Of course not.
Fear puke is for when you see scary things like ghosts, monsters, carnival folk.
I'm about to stage puke.
Stage puke? I thought you did community theater.
Yes, and the first four rows were considered a splash zone.
Now out of my way! Oh, is that seafood platter for everyone? Well, I'm glad we kept her mic on.
So, Gracie, your turn.
I mean to talk, not to hork like my ex-girlfriend after I proposed to her.
It wasn't me, it was the undercooked tenderloin.
But yes, she left me and I'm lonely.
Oh, no.
Gracie is gonna speak.
We have to get out there and distract Graham.
Doing what? I don't know.
Come on, pup, say "Da-Da" like in the video.
Or say, "This segment seemed like a good idea at the time.
" Graham, over here! Hey! Who are you? I'm the horker's daughter.
Sorry about your ex-girlfriend.
You're a great guy, you're gonna find somebody.
I have my own talent.
Ohhh! That's unnatural.
I'm her brother.
I have a talent, too.
Is it being a security guard? 'Cause apparently we don't have any of those.
Nope, I'm a professional BMX rider.
But I don't have my bike here, so you'll have to use your imagination.
Wheelie! "Bling-bling!" Whooo! If you're just tuning in from another show, go back.
Go back.
Who are you?! Dr.
Bennett James, world renowned child psychologist and author.
If you need to get a handle on out of control kids Dad, watch out!!! Hi! I believe camera two? Okay, everyone get off the stage.
Let's give Mr.
Cavanaugh his show back.
Kids, we need to go.
Parenting expert.
Yeah, you're doing a bang-up job.
Okay, I'm back.
As I was saying before, my name is El Oh, boy, still a little left in the basement.
Okay, let's hear this puppy say one word.
This is it, Tyler.
I can't watch.
I wonder if my online sales have spiked yet.
And we finish your week-long celebrity tour at the set of Night Night with Graham Cavanaugh.
Night Night with Graham Cavanaugh.
Before we run out of time, Gracie, this is your last chance to say something.
There's Graham Cavanaugh! Go get an autograph! Oh.
Guess I didn't have to do a high dive into a glass of water after all.
Well, that's all the time we have, folks.
Everyone's fired, including me.
Goodnight! And we're clear.
And now that we're both fired, we can finally be together.
I was joking about being fired.
So, how'd I do? That's all the time we have, folks.
Everyone's fired, including me.
Goodnight! Well, that turned out as well as I remembered it.
Too bad they never got to see Gracie talk.
Oh, what a shame.
Big loss.
Our plan worked.
Honey, it has been a long day.
Let's get you into bed for some much needed rest.
Well, since they ran out of time before I got to do my thing, do you think they want to have me back tomorrow? Your picture is up at the security desk.
Oh, should I go sign it? I can't believe we managed to take over the show enough to keep Gracie's secret safe.
I can't believe any of what happened, happened.
I can't believe I speak Spanish.
You study it at school.
Not very hard.
Gracie, you can't talk in front of anyone except us.
It means so much to me that I'm gonna be able to talk to my daughter.
It's just, I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you.
Okay, Da-Da.
I think she gets it.
Dogs develop faster than people.
Maybe she's at a point where she's finally able to understand.
All our worries are over.
He's gonna be a handful.
At least he can't talk.
There's the sugar.
Quiet, fool.
Avery was right Gracie did get it.
And soon, Freddy will too.
Not that it's gonna be easy.
Sometimes even I slip up.
So keeping the secret's always gonna be a challenge.
Although someday everyone's gonna know, when Ellen gets her sitcom and I play the wacky neighbor.
I'm ho-o-ome! It's about time! Where's my kibble?! So, Ellen, I need to go to my high school reunion.
Will you pretend to be my wife? Whoooo! I don't think you should do that, Ellen.
Whoa, Ellen! You have a talking dog? You could say he's my "pet project.
" Ha ha! Good one, Ellen! People will watch anything if it's well cast.