Duckman (1994) s03e17 Episode Script

(door creaks open) (whistles) (quacks) (engines droning) Well, Jimmy, I bet I know which bedtime story you'd like to hear tonight.
Duckman! Duckman! Duckman! What the hell are you staring at? He's funny.
And educational.
Hard to believe, but there was once a time when Duckman was virtually ignored by the general public, which had not yet discovered the brilliance of his complex, moral-laden misadventures.
Sadly, most of those people became sterile from years of watching Larry King, but that's another story.
Ah, here's an old favorite.
"Once upon a time, there was a clinically insane duck "and his monotonic pig partner.
Apparently, it was just another day at the office.
" Duckman, have I ever hurt you? Shamed you? Caused you great pain, suffering and/or humiliation? No more than anyone else, Cornilicious.
Why? No reason.
Quit trembling, Corny! A few more hems and haws and my latest kramdenesque moneymaking scheme will be unleashed upon the flesh-craving public: "Fashions by Duckman.
" 'Cause no one knows what a man likes better than another man.
Well, you know what I mean.
And now, the crème de la résistance.
"D" cells inserted into the "D" cups to keep things de-sirable, not to mention stimulating.
Duckman, this isn't a good grin idea.
(buzzing) People, even women chuckle.
(buzzing) May find this somewhat (buzzing) titillation offensive.
Relief.
I'm sorry, Duckman, but as the only person in town not currently in litigation against you, I must warn you that this outfit is lewd, sexist, and worst of all, it makes me look fat.
Pu-lease.
When the babe-inos see my creations on TV tonight, they'll snatch 'em up faster than my dedicated team of highly paid professionals can slap 'em together.
Hey-hey! No break-ee, Charlie.
Just one question: How do you plan to get these garments on TV tonight? Like all the great designers do.
Go to some local disaster and hawk them on camera when those heartless, immoral media maggots show up.
But how can you guarantee there'll be a local disaster? (sustained evil laughter) (siren wailing) Burn, baby, burn.
Yeah, yeah, lucky it's just a boring, old, abandoned warehouse.
Guess again, beak boy.
That's the old abandoned warehouse.
This is the fine arts museum that-- due to NEA budget cuts-- merely looks like an old, abandoned warehouse.
Oh, no! No! Was anybody hurt? Was anybody killed? More important, were there any witnesses? Relax, the volunteer fire department's got everything under control-- although the stress may be getting to the chief.
I didn't have time to change.
I can't believe it.
In my reckless lust for an audience, I've risked humiliating my family, caused millions of dollars in damage, placed countless lives in danger, but like them Buttafuocos say, "Ain't no such thing as bad publicity.
" (clearing throat) (grunts) Ladies, I'm standing here, in front of some smokey holocaust or whatever, to introduce "Fashions by Duckman.
" Whether you're putting out fires or starting one of your own, there's nothing hotter than our sexy springtime ensemble.
Here we see Cornfed wearing the revolutionary brassiere, which forms cleavage not only in front but also in back.
MOTHER: "Duckman's vaguely satanic fashion show "captured a larger audience than the Mars landing "and the Major DadReunion combined.
"This, of course, led to the shot heard round the world.
" Duckman, you animated sweat stain! I was happily enjoying Australian rules step aerobics when it was preempted by your felony of the week.
You have any idea how belittled your fashion freak show makes women feel?! Boo friggin' hoo! Like I'm supposed to take women and how they feel seriously? You want to be accepted for your minds, but you throw a hissy fit royale if someone isn't saying you look great 30 hours a day.
You say you want a nice guy, but you only give it up to the creeps.
You get to stay home, not go to war, live longer and have sex whenever you want.
So remind me again.
Exactly what is there to complain about?! Men! You say we're irrational, buy at least we think with the head on our shoulders.
Left to yourselves, you'd have blown up years ago from a horrific blend of gunpowder, diesel fuel and Aqua Velva.
Your idea of commitment is not yelling someone else's name during sex! MOTHER: "And then something strange happened.
You know, honey, she's got a point.
And another thing-- you never share your innermost feelings.
It's always sex, sports and pizza.
But those are my innermost feelings.
If you don't start thinking about your feelings, I'll scream! If you don't stop thinking about your feelings, I'll scream! I hate you! I hate you! I have always hated you! No one could hate me worse than I hate you.
Your mother was right! I should have (voices trail off) MOTHER: "Something about Duckman and Bernice "struck a chord within the country's consciousness.
"Maybe it was the tenor of society, "some primal awakening of the human psyche.
"Maybe it was just the cheap and barely believable device "of a desperate writer, "but whatever detente existed in the battle of the sexes "went the way of the dodo bird the Edsel and professional baseball.
" Professional what ball? An even sadder story, Jimmy.
Anyway "The Duckman-Bernice controversy swept the country.
"Breakups and divorces skyrocketed, "and things got so out of hand, they had to be settled in the U.
S.
Senate.
" Without us, you wouldn't have anyone to fix your flats, find your G-spots or tell you you're not fat which, uh, by the way, you are! (all gasp) All right! Yeah! Without us, you wouldn't have anyone to clean your wounds, to pick out your socks or tell you your Uh feet are huge.
Which, by the way, they're not! (all gasp) Yeah! That's right! Well, if living with us genitally challenged bogeymen is such a sucky thing, maybe you should just go live by yourselves! Maybe we will! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! (all yelling) (glass shattering) (yelling and screaming continues) "And so it came that men and women "could no longer live together, and the nation "was divided in half.
"The East, known for culture, went to the women; "the West, known for cattle, went to the men.
"People were needed to guard the border-- "those who were sexually confused.
(both screaming) "Throughout the country, there was shock "as people realized there was no turning back.
"And, as always, it's the children who suffer.
" (sobbing) "Painful as it was, "mothers said good-bye to their sons, fathers farewell to their daughters.
" Hear ye, hear ye! Two minutes until the closing of the gate.
I want you boys to know that I'll always love you.
It's not your fault you were born that way.
But, Aunt Bernice, if you go to the other side, you'll be leaving us with Turn off them waterworks, chill'uns.
I'll give you the love and guidance you've never gotten before.
But first, here's five bucks.
Go buy me some beer and bullets.
And bandages! Are you sure you're a woman? No penis for me, thanks.
Yes, this isn't Ajax.
It's, uh, my niece, Ajaxina.
Duckman, please.
The twins can fend for themselves, but I've got to take Ajax with me.
Who's going to feed him, clothe him, remind him to blink and swallow? Me.
I'm going to look after him as if he were my own son.
Thanks, Dad.
(in unison): The gate is now closing.
I guess there's nothing left to say Except Good-bye.
Hasta la vista, babies.
Don't let the gate hit your butts on the way out.
(cheering) Never forget.
We're men, and men are stronger, smarter and self-sufficienter than women.
We're not just homo sapiens, we're homos uh, superior.
Yes, we're going to make it after all, and we don't need women! (cheering) Honey, have you seen my shoes? (screaming) Banishment of women, arson, electroshock bras? Mom, how come Duckman seems more kindhearted than usual? This is one of the early Duckman stories, Jimmy.
He didn't blossom into a full-blown psychotic until much later.
Back in the old days, Duckman didn't even say (bleep).
No (bleep) way.
(bleep) yes.
But let's keep reading, sweetie.
"The iron door swung shut, "and the separation of the sexes was now complete.
"The men were tentative-- suddenly fearful of their newfound freedom.
" I'm horny.
I'm hungry.
Anyone know how to cook? I made pancakes once.
The stove exploded.
No, wait-- that was an episode of Home Improvement.
(others laugh) "But one person was completely happy.
" This is the life.
No more nagging from Bernice.
No more having to bathe.
No more awkward moments getting caught urinating on the neighbor lady's car tires.
What? It's a natural human urge.
Come on, loosen up.
Shed that dried-up, button-down exterior.
Get rid of that damn tie.
(grunting) Won't come unclipped.
It's as if it's tied around your neck.
You know, Duckman, I agree with something you said.
(gasping) This could be truly liberating.
Maybe this is the springtime of our souls.
The birth of a new ethos.
An opportunity to let our inner selves shine forth.
I feel naked.
Exactly.
Hey, everyone, look at me-- I'm naked.
Come on, everyone get naked.
Whee! ALL: Whee! (laughing) "At first, the women were also unsure.
Why hasn't he called? I knew he didn't really love me.
Who can I play mind games on now? How am I supposed to spend my evenings without tragically abusive one-night stands? (angry shouting) Wait! Stop! We didn't win our freedom from men overnight.
It was a long, hard battle, you hear me? Long and hard! Okay, bad choice of words.
The butch chick is right.
We've earned our freedom.
(cheering) "By the end of that first week, the women were ecstatic.
"The men exhilarated.
(air hissing) "The women soon had their own restaurants.
"The men theirs.
(men shouting and hooting, glass breaking) "Certain movies were popular on the women's side.
"And others on the men's.
"Of course, one thing still thrivedon both sides.
"Yes, everyone was happy and fulfilled.
"Bernice settled comfortably into a house with eight girlfriends.
" Chocolate blackout cake for breakfast? Isn't that fattening? ALL: Who cares? (laughing) "While the men's leaders settled into a handsome home designed and built by Duckman himself.
" (tires squealing) Wow! Check out that hog! Top of the morning, Corn-Guy.
You know, I was just thinking-- to the extent my around-the-clock drunkenness allows me to think-- we should have done this whole separation of the sexes thing years ago-- specifically three years ago, before all those sperm-in-the-reservoir paternity suits I had to settle.
Thanks to you, I still can't drink tap water.
It's amazing how things got so good so fast, but where there's a will, there's a way.
'Course when Betty here is willing, there's several ways.
(screams) I have to admit, these past few weeks have been liberating.
Now that I'm free from the constant distractions of women salivating over my macho intensity, I've discovered a serum that inhibits the aging process a formula for infinite energy and just how good a pair of chaps can make a man feel.
You know, Corn Silk, I can barely remember the old days when we lived side by side with not-men.
Life was harder then.
It used to take five quarters to make a dollar, you know.
Cars were steam-driven, as I recall.
(sniffles) Well, I'm just glad my kids will grow up with a better life than I had-- joyful and carefree, able to enjoy the simple, innocent pleasures of boyhood.
(screaming) (drums pounding) (grunting) (girls giggling) Huh? (giggling continues) (theme from Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony playing) More.
Tell me more.
How did Duckman screw up next, Mom? Actually, he didn't.
Duckman realized he was wrong, apologized sincerely and became the sweetest, most wonderful person the world has ever known.
(gasps) I'm sorry, sweetie.
Did I scare you? I was just joking.
Of course, Duckman screwed up and this time with his own children.
You see, that night, Charles, Mambo and Ajax went to report the strange creatures they had seen.
They're beautiful, Dad.
They're soft and sweet.
And bullets bounce right off them.
Wait.
No.
That's reinforced steel.
And these breasted men, I suppose they also had wings, and they were spewing fire.
Begone.
Such monsters do not exist.
They weren't monsters.
They were girls.
I won't have language like that in my castle.
Dad, it isn't right to make us go through life without a long-term emotional connection with a woman.
Hey, I never connected for more than a couple of minutes, and that's counting time for the sleeping pill to knock them out.
Trust me, kids, you're better off without the love cops.
We all are.
SPORTSCASTER: Stay tuned for our exclusive coverage of preseason ice basketball here on CNN, the all-sports network.
Meanwhile, Bernice had her hands full with the girls.
But, girlfriend Bernice, they didn't seem like disgusting muck-swilling insects.
Girlfriend Emily, you have much to learn about the three-legged ones.
Look around you.
Without they who pee standing up, we have truly made the women's collective emotional state a democratic sisterhood of love, trust, generosity and kindness.
Can you believe her hair? All I see is a pair of thighs holding up some overstuffed leotards.
(both giggling) Yes, although men and women pretended to revel in their newfound freedom their worlds were falling apart and soon took on the feel of an endless, dateless New Year's Eve.
(film projector whirring) (wolf howling) But, unknown to the adults, underground bands of youth secretly engaged in forbidden activities.
(laughter) Mmm mmm Weeks passed and then Dad? Dad? Dad? DUCKMAN: Over here, son, by the What is this stinking lump of garbage? CORNFED: Hey, ho.
(belching) Dad, we'd like to brush our teeth.
But we can't find the toothpaste.
And I can't find my teeth.
Hey, what do you want toothpaste for? You plan on using your mouth for something besides chewing, chugging, smoking or belching? ALL: Why, no, Dad.
Well, okay, then.
Girlfriend Bernice, I wonder if I could take a bath.
I'm afraid not.
Spiders crawled into the tubs, and we're all scared to go in.
But I thought women could do everything.
We've been astronauts, heads of state, soldiers You don't understand, dear.
These are spiders.
Why would you want to take a bath? Oh, uh, no reason.
None shall pass.
Unless you're a registered hermaphrodite.
Drat, what would Dad do in a situation like this? (screaming) Those scamps get more like their father every day.
(women giggling) Ajax, would you like to kiss me? Kiss? What is kiss? It's when you press your lips against someone else's.
Lips? What is lips? BERNICE: Girlfriends, I think it's time we talked to the men-- uh, for the sake of our children, of course.
(murmurs of agreement) Well, you know, maybe we could just talk to the women-- not 'cause we need to or anything.
It'd just be for the kids.
Oh, yeah.
Yes, yeah.
Yeah, yes.
(all gasp) So, what the hell do you want? What? Listen, we just want to talk about our feelings.
What? Clearly, the riff between the sexes has affected your ability to understand each other.
Allow me to translate.
We missed you.
Did you miss us? Only when we ran out of batteries, but then we got rechargeables.
Yes.
We were so lonely.
Listen, we don't care if we ever see you cellulite collection plates again.
We've thought about how terribly we acted, and we're sorry we hurt you.
Up yours, you bony bag of buzzard barf! We accept your apology.
You want to come crawling back? We'll let you.
We love you.
(all clamoring) And so, at last, the wall came down.
(grunting) (screams) (cheering) Uh hi.
So I guess we're all back together.
Yeah.
You know, we only came back 'cause of the kids.
We certainly didn't miss you balding, beering, boring, breasts-on-the-brain blowhards.
Yeah, if it wasn't for those whiny shrimps, we could have cared less about a bunch of hairy-lipped-legged-and-lapped lipo-lovers.
("Clair de Lune" playing) TOGETHER: Good to have you back.
(cheering) Oh, dear, look at the time.
Aw, can we read the one where Duckman becomes the antichrist? That's enough for tonight.
Mom, that story's so incredible.
Did it really happen? More important, did you learn something from it? Something about how we all need each other? Are you kidding? No offense, mom, but boys don't need anything from girls.
Maybe you're right.
Good night.
Wait.
You forgot my hug.
Maybe I did learn something.
Maybe I learned that we should listen to and respect everyone whether they're boys or girls.
That's right, Jimmy-- everyone except the Irish.
DUCKMAN: Look at me! I'm naked! Whee!